The Circle Game

So, here's my feeble attempt at getting this blog up to date. So much has been going on... But so much of it is unquantifiable... not the type of drama that makes for the best blogging.

Anyway, let's start with last week, I guess...

For the second half of the week I worked like a dog to finish my fourth step, write a paper and teach the last few classes before finals. On Saturday, I held a brunch to celebrate my first year of sobriety. I invited my immediate family and my closest friends both in and out of AA. Of course, having guests also means that I spent a good portion of the week cleaning up in preparation. Last Friday I went to see LilSis graduate from law school and that evening Bezoukhoff entertained me while I cleaned the house. I went to bed after midnight and woke up at 7:00 AM to keep at it.

LilSis was the first to arrive on Saturday morning (shortly followed by Hammer) and she helped me finish up by swiffering the floors while Hammer made a supermarket run. Finally, more and more guests began to arrive. It was such a great party. My house looked beautiful, my friends and family looked beautiful... and I felt (wait-- could it be?) happy! Yes, I was happy that day.

Hammer organized a little "speech" ceremony mid-brunch. She said the most kind and loving things about me. She also gave me a "sushi pillow." I'll have to post a picture of it. It was so sweet. NDN wrote me a poem (a "ditty!" It was amazing!) and a few others made speeches as well-- Meema, Cherubino, Leseco, my mom and BigSis. BigSis actually started to cry while she was speaking. My family is not all that openly emotional, so it was kind of strange and difficult to handle, but at the same time, I felt so proud of my accomplishment and so close to everyone. It was especially nice for me to have people from all of my different worlds there-- my family (including my stepfather and stepbrother) and my Columbia friends (GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Contessa and her fiancee, B, Jake, etc.) my friends from the grad school years (Hammer, Bezoukhoff, NDN, etc) and my AA friends.

Afterwards, my sponsor (Cherubino) stayed over while I did last minute work on my fourth step. We were set to begin my fifth step bright and early on Sunday morning! She read a book while I worked. Finally, exhausted after a very lovely day, I fell into bed.

On Sunday we were off and running. I never, ever imagined what the 5th step experience would be like. My fourth step was so "fearless, searching and thorough" that we spent 11 hours on Sunday reading the fifth step and didn't even get all of it done! We took two small half hour breaks--one to pick up sandwiches and coffee and another to make a run for dinner. Cherubino prepared a salad and put out the sushi for us while I kept going. I felt so drained... so outside of the framework of space and time... as if I had pulled ten "all-nighters," but was growing lighter and more exhausted with each additional hour. Finally, it was done. She hugged me at the end. It surprised me, although I'm not quite sure why. She told me that I would have to spend the next hour in contemplation and re-reading the first five steps. I took a shower which felt like an eternity and then collapsed into my bed, flopping down on my stomach.

The sky outside was an electric blue. The Chrysler building was an icy glowing white. Hanging beside it was a little yellow sliver of moon. I looked out the window, its bottom half fogging up from the shaking chill of the air conditioner. The world was quiet. And I felt grateful. I just soaked in the silence and said my thank you's and cried a little, although I didn't feel the tears at all.


The next morning I woke up to a world all the same and all different, off to administer the first exam of finals week. I caught a student cheating. He tried to give me every excuse in the book, but I held my own and refused to let it go just for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I hated it, but was proud of myself. Later on in the day I met Cherubino on the Upper West Side to finish up with the last of my "fears" list. We sat in Starbucks baking in the sun that streamed in from the West. At long last, we were done. I walked her to the subway. On the way we stopped in at Loehmann's and then at Urban Outfitters. Finally, she headed her way and I mine. I was off to my Monday night meditation meeting.


On Tuesday I woke up to give another exam followed by a trip to the doctor and then lunch with Hammer at the new California Pizza Kitchen on Park Avenue South. Hammer and I talked for a long time and she showed me the new draft of her dissertation prospectus that she had been working on over the weekend. Afterwards I had to head home to change quickly before my meeting-- I had been asked to "open" the meeting. After the meeting I bumped into a few guys who had been at the mental health institution where I had qualified and then chaired a few meetings. They were really excited to see me there.

"Hyde does a lot of service there," one of them told Meema.

It felt good... and strange.

Afterwards I had dinner with LashGirl and Civyl. I enjoyed making them laugh with my crazy stories, including the tale of how I met Narc. But at the same time, it felt strange. I miss the old Hyde. I still think I need her sometimes. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about all of this change. I'm trying to just "go with it," but it's confusing.

By Wednesday I was exhausted. I hadn't really had any rest over the weekend between cleaning my house, hosting a party and the emotional exhaustion of my fifth step. I woke up that morning with a cough and the chills and spent the entire day snuggled in my bed. I had strange dreams on and off throughout the afternoon.

That night, I had to head out to rehearse with my choir. It was that evening that I got the text from Narc. I felt sick... sick beyond belief. I felt paralyzed and excited and guilty and scared. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. All I can say is that I'm still "crazy about him." He literally makes me crazy. I just did my best to surround myself by support. After rehearsal I spoke to Cherubino and then NDN and then Stargazer and then I had a nice long catch-up with Liu.

I somehow managed not to answer the text. I don't know how... I don't know... But it certainly threw me out of orbit and I don't yet feel back to normal.

On Thursday I gave my last exam of the semester and then ran back to the doctor for some blood tests. At AA that night, I was filling in for both Meema and Stargazer with service commitments and it felt good to do service... it really did make me feel closer to everyone there and it helped to get my mind off my Narc-obsessing.


Friday was another day of rest for me. I felt sick-- Wednesday's sickness returned and I spent most of the day in bed, trying to grade papers here and there, but for the most part doing nothing. I watched The Picture of Dorian Gray--a 1945 movie with Angela Lansbury playing Sybil Vane! It was kind of wild. My favorite part? When Dorian frequents a 1945 version of a Victorian opium den. No drugs, of course-- just a dingy room with a man playing the Moonlight Sonata and foreign women coming on to him. It made me smile. I also finally put together the evite for my Rome themed party-- I'm going to have it in June at my mom's pool.

Yesterday was work, work, work for me. NDN came up to my place and studied for his GMAT and my mom came in to help me grade the multiple choice sections of the exams. We worked pretty much straight through the day.

Today I met B for lunch. We ate pinoy food-- I had tapsilog-- my favorite breakfast! Afterwards, he watched the Mets game over here while I cleaned the house. I was fighting with the computer all morning trying to restore my old iTunes playlists so I would still have Narc's lists. I lost them when I did the transfer to my new computer.

"Why don't you just email him and ask him for them?" B suggested. "This is such a waste of time!"

"You really think I should write to him?"

"Yeah, why not?"

B clearly did not get it. I pretended I didn't either.

"You really think so?" I asked again, convincing myself. "Okay... I will."

I drafted an email with some added "if it's not too much trouble" and "I hope you're well."

"Take that crap out," B advised.

"Okay."

I fixed up my letter. Here's what I was left with:

Hey--

I have a favor to ask you-- I recently switched over to a Mac and lost the playlists in my iTunes library. That includes a bunch of playlists that you gave me. I wanted to recreate them, but don't remember exactly what is on them. Would you mind sending me a listing of what you put on each of those playlists?

They are your "Oceans" soundtrack, and your Ambient, Lounge and Party mixes.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks.

Love,
Hyde

Afterwards I felt sick, sick, sick! I felt dizzy and just wanted to lay on the floor. B was shocked at my reaction. He didn't understand.

"It's just an email," he said. "Don't give in to the drama."

"Will you sing Carousel with me?" I asked.

He agreed. It helped.

Because I'm crazy, I made myself write a text to my sponsor:

Sent him an email. Found an excuse & did it. Want to pretend it didn't happen. Wanted to lie to you about it. There it is. I feel so much worse.

Finally, at around 3:00 PM he left. Just before he did, I checked my email. Narc had written back!

So you finally got the Mac eh? Good job indeed! No doubt you'll love that machine far more than you ever did the ol' PC, to be sure...

Text files attached, let me know if you have trouble opening and/or reading them.

How are things otherwise? (Conference etc?)

Narc

Well, I tried to resume normalcy, but I couldn't quite swing it. I just cleaned up and tried to breathe. Finally, ready to scream from being up in my own head (it's at moments like that I want a fucking drink!) I called NDN. He came up here and chatted me up while I made my bed. Then he went back to work.

As for me, I distracted myself a while longer and then wrote back:

They open, but are all scrambled to read. :( Is there any other way you could send them? Thanks. As for me-- things are going well.

love,
hyde

Anyway, that brings me up to the present. Some of the staff from Cheers are coming over to my roof in an hour or so for a Memorial Day barbecue. I told PumpedUp I would "host" so that they could use the space. I really don't feel like hanging out with them right now. I'm not in the best head space. Ugh. I wish so intensely for what I can't have. I wish I would just stop wishing!

Well.... that's it. Have a great holiday weekend.

Love,
h