Hypnogogia

I've always had trouble with sleep.

My mom tells me that when I was little I used to have night terrors. Ever since I was seven or eight, I've struggled with insomnia. The hardest part is falling asleep-- I sometimes get the strange sensation of falling. Often, in that half asleep/half awake phase, I am filled with terror and aware of some presence and try to jerk myself out of it, which makes it hard to fall asleep afterwards. I'm scared to go back into that state. Just last week, I had a really bad episode in which I was in some sort of in-between sleep and I felt someone talking to me in my room (through the cable box, believe it or not!) and I wanted to wake up desperately, but couldn't pull myself out of the sleep. It was frightening. Also, lately I've been waking up with tingling in my hands. I've even had the occasional episode when I've been aware of someone in the room with me-- positive that it had to be a ghost or some kind of spirit, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe in those things.

I talked to my doctor about all of this earlier in the week. She said that I show signs of being a lucid dreamer. She also said that I might have the ability to "micro-dream" or fall into REM sleep too fast. But what I'm experiencing in that half-sleep state has a name... it's called "Hypnogogia." It's strange to have a name to put to it after all this time. Maybe I'm not seeing ghosts after all.

B swears that I am "closer to the dreamworld than most," as he put it. We were talking on the phone last night and he told me that he thinks I'm a "mystic" who doesn't know it. I thought that was funny, but kind of a romantic idea, so I won't object! He said that he senses a really strong "goddess" energy from me. I'm not sure what to make of that (as someone who frequently victimizes herself in her own life narrative). I certainly don't feel like a "goddess." But in any case, it was really sweet.

One time, we went together to see a psychic and she told me that I was a witch in a former life-- a healer of some kind. (Maybe Spins has some thoughts on the subject?) I wrote it off, or so I thought... I guess the idea stuck with me to some extent. I certainly don't think I have any "witching" abilities in this life, but I do have really strong intuitions, dreams, and memories of previous lives. Whether they're just invented, I can't say.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to get back to grading papers. And one of these days I'm going to post the long update that's due... A lot has happened this week.

Hope you are all well!

love,
h