Cherry Blossom Blue

Today was a full and beautiful day. I slept in (for once!) and then met BigSis for lunch in Madison Square Park. I love that our relationship is changing every day and that we're still getting closer. She said to me the other day that she and I share a closeness that she doesn't have with anyone else in the world. It's because we pretty much grew up as twins.

After that, I went to therapy. It was a rewarding session. He helped me see that a lot of what I've been obsessing about this week has been about distracting myself from the guilt I've been feeling about my upcoming anniversary. "Survivor's Guilt" is what he called it. And it doesn't help that my anniversary is only two days after the anniversary of my dad's death. It's quite a week...

From there I headed downtown to meet Hammer for our third attempt at the cherry blossoms in Brooklyn. Our first try was on Sunday, but we were turned off by the crowds. Our second attempt was on Wednesday, but we were deterred by the gray skies and chilly weather. Today was perfect-- a cherry blossom blue sky and none of the weekend crowds!

The blossoms were absolutely beautiful. We stretched out on the lawn and painted with Hammer's water colors. A chubby blond three year old approached and wanted to play with our paints. He wanted to paint a "blue warthog." Needless to say, the warthog never fully materialized. I named my painting "sakura" in honor of both the blossoms and the creepy Japanese song by the same name that I used to play on the piano. Oh-- and I did manage to get a little work in on my Fourth Step.

Anyway, after that, we were "spit out" of the gardens into some random Brooklyn neighborhood (as Hammer put it). But we managed to find the subway and took it to Atlantic Avenue from where we walked to Juniors for dinner and cheesecake. On the way back to the city Hammer drew me a really funny picture of something inappropriate for the blog (something that we agreed never to mention again!). And from there it was back to her place to bum around and watch Ugly Betty and The Daily Show. I did a little more work on my Fourth Step and Hammer regaled me with stories from previous blog entries.

After that, I headed uptown to celebrate the one year anniversary of my friend BA. When I got to the diner, I felt like I had entered into some sort of dream world. There were so many people there and so much energy. It was hard to switch into that kind of social mode, coming straight out of "self-reflection" and "tv-mode" with Hammer. I sat with LashGirl and made her laugh by singing "Someday My Prince Will Come" with a 1930's warble in my voice. I also hung out with Pixie, Meema and a few others. BA spoke about his experiences this year just before midnight. It was really moving. Everyone smiled at me and said "You're next!" I didn't quite know what to do with the attention. I've been feeling down on myself lately and not really wanting people to look at me.

In any case, I headed home at around 12:15 AM. As I was about to get into the cab, some guy on his bike nearly slammed into the cab door. Then, the cab driver asked me if I thought his cab smelled like urine. I said "no." He said I was a nice girl and asked where my family was from. We ended up getting in a long discussion about how my parents met.

TT had left me a message earlier in the evening that he would be at Cheers. I should have headed straight home (as I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety and I have been having a lot of feelings I don't know how to deal with) but I stopped into Cheers anyway. He was really happy to see me. I really don't understand why he likes me. Maybe I should stop trying to understand. It's flattering, though, that he still does... BarMan was there and told me that he quit drinking for 16 days as a "cleanse" and that he lost 15 lbs. That's a little crazy. ThursdayGirl was there too. PumpedUp was the most happy to see me.

"You're just the girl I've been looking for!" he exclaimed.

"What... why?" I asked.

He asked me if I would be willing to host a little BBQ party for the Cheers staff on my roof. I told him "of course." They needed a nice place outdoors and nearby. PumpedUp has certainly done enough for me over the years that it's my pleasure to do something nice for him.

In any case, at around 1:00, I told TT that I had to head home. I have a women's meeting I want to go to in the morning, and I already feel the insomnia creeping up, certainly not helped by the fact that I've had about 10 diet cokes since 11:00 PM.

But overall, it was a beautiful day. ThursdayGirl smiled when I told her my year was approaching.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

I wanted to say no. I assumed the answer was no. But that's not true. I was happy-ish today... happy in some ways. And being happy in some ways is the same as being sad in some ways. Neither one should be the only way I define myself.

"I am happy," I told her.

"Last time you saw Narc?"

"February 26th."

"And your last drink?"

"May 9th of last year!"

"I'm so proud of you," she smiled.

I'm loathe to say it. I'm really loathe to say it... but I'm proud of me too. I never thought I could do it. But perhaps, this is just the beginning.

love,
h