The Rest of Yesterday...

Cherubino got to my place at around 9:00 AM. We bought egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches at the deli and watched the bum DVD of our recital again. I tried to eliminate all obvious traces of him in my apartment. My iTunes crashed and my entire library disappeared. That distracted me for a while, trying to recover it. The playlists are gone though-- including his playlists. My higher power at work? I don't like to think so...

My mom got to the apartment just after 12:00 PM. I tried on those vintage dresses I bought on Friday and put on a little fashion show. I was so tired.

Cherubino went home and my mom and I took off for Long Island. She took me shopping at a place near her office in Garden City.

"Break up shopping," she said. "You need a whole new look!"

Shopping is exhausting. It kept me occupied.

At around 5:00 PM we were driving back to my parents house with bags of clothes. My phone buzzed. It was him.

I will always love you too, he wrote. I hate that we can't see each other anymore. Miss you already.

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say anything for some time. My mom had to stop at the local pharmacy to pick up something for my stepbrother's leg brace. While we were there I wrote back.

Thank you for saying that. It means so much to me.

Narc: You sure you don't want me to come by?

Hyde: I'm on Long Island till tomorrow. Didn't want to be alone. Love you, but don't know what's left to say between us now. Hasn't it all been said?

Narc: I don't know, I guess... Just wondering if we're really doing the right thing.

Hyde: I don't know, Narc. I only know that I can't go on feeling like I did--how things were. I just can't. What do you think? Maybe space will bring clarity.

Anyway, by that time, we had gotten back to my parents place, and my mom and I were chatting with LilSis in the kitchen-- some drama about my stepfather's ex wife and how she had screamed at LilSis the other day. In the middle of all that, my phone rang. Guess who it was, of all people? The Stallion. Isn't that strange? I hadn't heard from him in months and months-- maybe even a year.

I took the call quickly, but told him that I couldn't talk. He said that he'll be in NY in a few weeks. I told him to call me to catch up at some point, but to be honest, I have nothing to say to him either and no real interest in seeing him.

For the rest of the day, I tried to distract myself. I played the piano for my stepbrother because he loves it. I ate some leftover Chinese food. I tried on my new clothes for LilSis. I was starting to feel better. By 10:00 PM I was dropping dead of exhaustion. I must have fallen asleep at around 10:30.

This morning I woke up and my mom had bagels waiting. She got me a "flagel"-- a very Long Island item--it's a flat bagel designed to be less doughy and I guess save the diner those extra calories. Since then, I've just been hanging out here trying not to think too much about anything. I scheduled in some extra AA meetings this week and also plan to go back to finish up that starter pack of yoga that I never followed through with. Those classes aren't until the week of April 21st though.

Anyway, that's it for now. Not sure if I'll be in the mood to blog or not. Guess I'll just take things as they come.

As for Anonymous' comment on the last post-- I wish I felt ready to date someone else. I just don't.

love,
h