Nausea

So, I'm back in my office, in between classes-- the only place I seem to want to sit down and blog these days. I had a busy weekend. (Maybe it wasn't busy... maybe it only seemed that way).

On Thursday night I was anxious and depressed because I knew that Narc was out with friends, including LA-Girl. I texted him and he never texted me back. I know he went to some movie premiere and I'm pretty sure he brought her. So-- even if he's not fucking her, he's still kind of dating her.

I woke up on Friday feeling pissed off. I went to the history department lounge to get some work done and B came and met me there. I barely got any work done even though I was there all day. My brain just doesn't want to wrap itself around this paper!! Narc texted me at around noon, something like "Dying... need Gatorade...and Hyde!" But I was angry, so I ignored it. I didn't write back until several hours later, telling him that I was in the library. He said to call when I got out.

When I did call, I heard sirens in the background.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"In a cab on my way to you."

"Narc! How did you know I was going to be home? I'm just on my way home now."

"I figured if you weren't home, I'd hang out at Cheers and wait for you," he said.

I thought it was kind of pushy.

Anyway, we got to my place at around the same time. Then we headed out to a local pub to get dinner and he had a few drinks. I wanted to check out a piano bar that opened just a few blocks from me, where I know one of the pianists. So, we headed over there at around 11:00 or so.

There were hardly any people there-- me, Narc and a handful of others, so the pianist kept calling me up to sing solo numbers and it was nice because it boosted my self-esteem, getting to sing in front of people to floods of compliments. I think Narc had fun too. He was acting sweet and I felt really close to him. After I sang one song, he looked so proud of me that I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

From there, we went over to Cheers and sang U2's "One" in karaoke. They have some new Friday night karaoke girl, but BarMan was behind the bar. Some girl tried to buy coke off me in line for the bathroom. You should have seen her face when I told her I was "sober." I thought it was really funny.

The next day, we woke up and decided to make a stew in my slow cooker. Narc dubbed it the "Braveheart Stew." It actually came out really good, although it took six hours to cook. It was fun cooking with him. For the rest of the afternoon, I tried to do some school work while he played video games. We named our guitar hero band "Smart Water." (Although, as I pointed out to Bezoukhoff-- perhaps it is evidence of a problem when the only thing we have in common is STILL the type of beverage we like to consume.)

On Saturday night I had to leave for a little while to go to a friend's 1-year of sobriety celebration. Narc stayed behind at my place. We went to bed by 2:00 AM.

On Sunday I was supposed to resume work on my paper, but found myself endlessly procrastinating. We ate leftover stew and watched A Streetcar Named Desire. Narc checked his online banking and started freaking out that of the $5000 he just got at the beginning of the month, only $800 was left. I suspect that wining and dining other women isn't good for his wallet.

He left my place at around 5:30 PM and I felt depressed. I should have gotten some work done, but instead, I watched TV for a few hours before falling asleep. Oh-- and Pixie called and read me a mega-10th step. Our conversation really helped me a lot.

Yesterday was a strange day. I had to speak at an AA meeting downtown in the afternoon. When I got there, I found out it was a topic meeting and quickly had to throw something together. Pixie and StarGazer came to hear me. At the meeting, some 19 year old girl came up and asked me if I was looking for a sponsee. I told her I was and asked her if she wanted to have coffee after the meeting. It was a little disturbing though, as I suspect she has some mental illness other than alcoholism. She said that she only started drinking so that she could join AA. She wanted to make herself into an alcoholic. She also told me that she molested a little girl once and already "made an amends" to that girl's mother. I suspect that she's not an alcoholic at all, but rather, is just seeking attention somehow. If that's the case, I can't help her and to be honest-- don't want to. In any event, I gave her my phone number and invited her to my home group's meeting tonight. I'm not sure that she'll come. I asked my sponsor's sponsor for advice about it and he told me to set very firm boundaries and to ask her to write a detailed first step. If her problem is really other than alcohol, I can refer her elsewhere.

So... after that bizarre coffee date, I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff. I actually managed to pull my un-gelled ideas together into some kind of basic outline-- enough so that I was able to email my advisor with it today. We stayed in the library until around 6:30. Then we headed downtown for dinner and a movie.

I texted Narc earlier in the afternoon that I would be downtown, if he wanted to meet up later, but to let me know by 10:00. He wrote back that he had Tarot class until 9:00 and might be "working" afterwards. I know that he has seen LA-Girl the past several Mondays and I knew that he was trying to arrange a meeting with her again. It made me feel sick.

Bezoukhoff and I ate at Isle-- my first meal of the day. Before that, I had been running on three pretzel rods, a red bull, a double espresso and a piece of sugar free gum. (Sorry, NDN!)

The movie was really interesting and definitely worth seeing. It raised questions about the relationship between sexuality and trauma on a culture-wide level, and also about the nature of memory. It left me with a lot to think about.

Afterwards, we walked over to The Tea Spot to process the movie together. We talked about the film for a while and then about history and then about Narc and then about Bezoukhoff's relationship stuff. I have to say-- I was feeling sick again that I hadn't heard from Narc. I was sure he was with LA-Girl.

We stayed there, chatting over tea, until 11:00 PM when the guy behind the counter kicked us out.

My anxiety was mounting and I felt sicker than ever. I really thought I might throw up over it all. I called him and he didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

Just five minutes later the phone rang. I was surprised to see that it was him.

"Where are you?" I asked. "It sounds like you're out."

"Yeah-- I'm just in this place downtown. Um... I stopped for a drink and a burger on my way home from my class."

"Downtown where? I'm already in a cab on my way back to midtown."

"I'm actually on Second Avenue."

"How'd you end up there?" I asked. (Knowing, full well, that LA-Girl lives in the East Village).

"I just wandered over here on my way home."

"But your Tarot school is near Penn Station. How did you end up all the way across town when you were on the West Side and you live on the West Side?"

"I don't know... I sometimes like to walk through Union Square to poke through the bookstore."

"Which bookstore?"

Anyway, the conversation went on like that. I felt barely functional on the phone. I contemplated telling him how sick I felt, but I didn't say anything.

"Well, since you're already on your way home, another night then," he said.

I was sure he said that because he was out with her.

"No, I don't mind meeting you where you are," I said.

(Is this a good idea, Hyde? You really aren't feeling well).

"Well, I'm going to get up early," he said.

"I don't mind getting up early! I have to teach tomorrow," I interjected.

I basically left him little choice but to say "fine, come on down here."

When I got there, he was indeed at the bar by himself, but when the bill came it said he had ordered buffalo wings and a burger and three beers. That's a lot for one person to consume alone, but it wasn't clear evidence of two. (I hate that I am thinking this way!!! It's fucked up.)

He looked so tired and so depressed. It was actually a little frightening. I asked what was wrong and he said that his class did another reading for him and they were all badgering him and wouldn't leave him alone and they misrepresented him. When I asked how so, he shrugged it off and wouldn't give me an answer.

We left the bar and stopped at a deli for sandwiches and junk food (a clue that he couldn't have eaten all that, right?) and then went back to his place. We ate, watched the Colbert Report and went to sleep. He didn't sleep well and kept getting up in the night. Then he woke me up this morning at 9:00.

He is trying to get a certain actress to do his film and it turns out that LA-Girl has a friend who knows the actress' agent in London. She set up a phone call for him and I guess he wanted me to leave before he made the call. At least, that's what he said. It seems strange to me, though, and I can't help but think that there's something more going on. He said he might have to go to London in a few days and if he does, that he's going with his friend the Shark. That also sounds suspect. I'm pretty sure he will ask (or has asked) LA-Girl to go with him if he has to go.

Ugh. This is fucking miserable.

Anyway, I left there, came to my office, wrote a quiz, emailed my advisor and now here I am, about to go teach the second round of Fascism and Stalinism.

My class starts in two minutes and I still have to run spellcheck on this thing, so I'll leave it at that.

love,
h

PS: BigSis found out that there's a 90% chance she's having a girl. I am super psyched.