I feel as though some enormous weight has been lifted. I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I really feel like I'm done with all of this. I'm just done.
Oh, and I wasn't being paranoid on Monday night. He did see her (on the only night of the week that he wasn't with me).
On Tuesday, I had my "long" day. I taught two classes (on the First World War), did a little bit of research for a paper and went to AA. Narc has been waiting for a BitTorrent download of Jem and the Hollograms, and he texted me in the morning that it finally finished. He said that he would wait for me to watch. I texted him later in the afternoon asking how his martial arts class went. He didn't answer.
That left me with a bubble of anxiety in my stomach-- it both made me feel empty and shaky, but full of pressure at the same time. I tried to ignore it. Before AA, some guy was flirting with me. It was kind of nice. After the meeting, I went home, still anxious about everything, as I hadn't heard from Narc. It's not even like I wanted to hear from him or see him; it's just that I couldn't stand the thought of him being out with another girl. Before bed, I talked to StarGazer and then Pixie. Then I took a shower.
Just as I was climbing into bed, my phone buzzed. Narc said he was "wrapping in the West Village" and invited me over to watch Jem. I didn't want to be up super late, but I agreed to go, getting to his place at around 2:00 AM.
Everything seemed "normal."
The next morning, the "normalcy" continued. We had sex, lay in bed talking, and all was well. I couldn't get those racing thoughts out of my head, though-- the ones telling me that it is not okay and that I can't drop the ball on last week's ultimatum. So, I ventured to ask...
"Um... Narc... Have you given any thought to what we talked about last week?"
"Well, yeah, I guess," he answered.
"Do you have an answer for me?"
"Um... no. Well, not really. And to be honest, Hyde, I don't think I'm going to have an answer for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, but I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and so, I don't have an answer for you."
"If that's the case, then that IS your answer," I replied.
"No, it's not. It doesn't mean that I don't want to see you."
"Yeah, but I can't keep going like this," I said.
He climbed out of bed and moved into his desk chair, leaning forward on his knees. And we continued to talk in circles.
His "argument" (I tried to explain that we weren't "arguing"): We are just having fun together. If we're not going to get married and end up together, then why make a commitment? He loves me, so why do I want to throw everything away on some dumb principle?
I tried to explain how I felt-- that I love him and that it hurts for me to think of him being with other people; that I am giving him everything I would give to a boyfriend, but I am getting none of the security I need in return.
His response: If I were his girlfriend, it would mean vacations and fancy dinners and all that. We're not doing that, so why do I think he's like my boyfriend?
My reply: I don't need vacations or dinners or money or time. I just need commitment.
His answer: If I really love him like I say I do, then I'll just accept him for who he is and accept him how he is, and stop making demands of him that he doesn't want to meet.
My response: I wish I could, but I can't. I just physically can't do it anymore. I asked him if he remembered my panic attack on Saturday night. He did not. I started to cry a little again.
"Maybe I should just eject you from my life then, just like I've had to eject everyone else," he said.
"This is not you ejecting me. This is me walking away because I can't emotionally sustain this!" I insisted.
"I can't believe you're willing to throw away everything we have for this stupid label that you want to put on our relationship!" he exclaimed. "I'm not even dating anyone. There are no other women!"
"I don't want to argue that point again, Narc. I know there's something going on with LA-Girl and I don't want to get into that. I'm not the one throwing everything away. I'm asking you to help me stay. If you can't do that, then you're the one throwing it away."
"But I want to end up with someone in film," he said.
(Ugh!! Back to this!!)
"I don't know what to say to that," I sighed. "But seriously-- none of your previous girlfriends have been in film."
"Yeah, and look how all of that turned out!"
"I don't know, Narc..."
"So, if I'm at Cannes one day and meet some gorgeous French princess who's also a video geek, then I have to come back and break up with you first?" he asked.
"Um... yeah. If you meet the right girl, break up with me and be with her."
"That's ridiculous, Hyde. Won't that just be more painful? So, you're just basically putting off pain for later?"
"Yeah, I guess. But at least I would have some peace of mind right now."
I kept trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to continue to ignore my own feelings. Bottom line-- I will NOT tolerate this situation with LA-Girl. I'm not thinking about the future.
"All of my friends tell me to just drop this and to move on. But I don't want to do that," I said. "I'm hoping that you will tell me something different."
"I guess they're just worried about your feelings, Hyde."
The conversation went on like that for a while. He kept trying to make me seem irrational-- that if he made this commitment that I would get "crazy" and be paranoid if he even looked at another woman.
"That's not what this is about," I kept trying to explain.
Finally, I put it to him plainly:
"Look, Narc. What you have with me has to cost you something. Every relationship costs something. Like I said-- it won't cost you money and it won't cost you time. It will cost you commitment. That's the price."
"It will cost me the possibility of another opportunity if I can't flirt with women, or if I meet someone at a bar, if I can't take her home."
"Yes, I suppose it will. It will cost you opportunity. But, that's the price. I guess you just have to decide if having me in your life is worth it to you."
"I don't know why I'm even bothering to justify myself to you!" he cried. "I could be like James and fuck prostitutes and not even tell you anything!"
"That's not who you are," I said.
"Okay... it's not. But, still..."
I don't remember exactly how that conversation wrapped, but he went into the kitchen and I wiped away my last few tears in bed. He told me that he would be seeing his analyst on Friday and that he would give me an answer after that. Then, we met up on the couch for breakfast (which he prepared) and a mini-marathon of Jem. I felt strong.
I left his place at around 4:00, heading uptown for my voice lesson. Narc told me to text him later. It was an incredible lesson, but quite a workout. I did the whole thing standing on one leg. (Yes, my teacher has some interesting techniques!). Afterwards, I went straight to an AA Big Book meeting.
Perhaps it's God or perhaps it's coincidence, but the topic of that night's meeting? Sexual inventory. Reading through those pages in the book and hearing what other people had to share opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. Perhaps I was only ready to hear it for the first time that night.
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt?...
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not?
Narc had made me feel "selfish" that afternoon. ("If you really love me like you say, you'd let me be who I am," he said, over and over in my head). But I am NOT being selfish by asking for what I need. I am being selfish if I don't ask for what I need. Every time I ignore my own feelings or my own needs, there is less of me to give to my other friends, to my family, to my students, to my program, to newcomers in AA. Maybe I haven't done much to hurt Narc sexually, but the way that I am managing my sex-life is hurting those who occupy the other places in my life. I am depleting myself and giving myself tunnel-vision, and I've been doing it for a very, very long time. It is selfish of me when I DON'T demand what I need and when I don't stick up for myself in this relationship.
I left the meeting with a new perspective, feeling much stronger. Yes, I called Narc on my way home. But in my mind, for the first time, I felt at peace with the idea that I might be "done" with him. Part of me wants him to come back and tell me that he can't do it-- that he can't make the commitment. Then, I can walk away from it all. If he comes back to me and tells me that he will be my boyfriend, I have to ask myself if I even want a boyfriend who had to be pushed into the relationship that way... In any case, I am ready to have this gone from my life. I don't even feel all that scared anymore. Maybe this feeling is fleeting. Maybe it will be gone in the blink of an eye. But, I know that it is here right now. And so, I know that it is possible.
I was on the phone with Narc when I swung back into my building. We were negotiating where to have dinner. My super was at the door. I ended up telling Narc to come up to my place and we'd figure it out there. Back at home, I popped in the DVD of Sunday night's recital. Unfortunately, it was skipping all over the place, so I couldn't really get a sense of my performance. I have to get another copy.
Narc called at around 9:30 and told me he was outside my building. Nearly 10 minutes passed, and he hadn't buzzed up. It turns out that my super caught hold of him in the lobby and started asking him all sorts of questions-- first joking about where we were going out to eat (having eavesdropped on my earlier phone call) and then asking him where he went to college, what he studied, what kind of music he was into, etc. Very strange...
Narc and I ended up ordering in Thai food and watching American Idol. My mom called at one point and I answered the phone. She started asking me about how much weight I've lost and what I weigh right now.
"I can't really talk about that right now," I said.
When I hung up the phone, Narc gave me a funny look.
"Was that one of your 'supportive friends'?" he asked. "Were you talking about me?"
"No. It was my mom," I said. "And she asked about my weight. That's all."
"Oh."
Anyway, I played a little piano later (including the Zelda theme song) and then we watched The Colbert Report in bed. This morning, as we headed out onto the street, we passed my super again. I felt a little awkward.
Anyway, I'm getting reviewed this afternoon in class. We're covering the Russian Revolution. I'm sure it will be fine, but I always hate this observation day.
I wonder what Narc is going to say to me after his analysis tomorrow? I'm wondering how it is that I suddenly feel so strong and so over this.
Perhaps it is the magic of April. April is always the most transformative month for me. All major change happens in April. April got me sober two years ago. April started my weight loss last year. April is the resurrection.
To Be Alone in Winter is a Deadly Thing.
"SOL D'INVERNO E COSA DA MORIRE!"
No one is alone in April.
"NIUNO E SOLO L'APRIL."
(April is the cruelest month. Breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain. Winter kept us warm, covering Earth in forgetful snow, feeding A little life with dried tubers.)
April, come she will,
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain.
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