"Conflict is the original meaning of being-for-others"

Thanks, Sartre.

I don't want to be in conflict anymore.

Um... Yeah.

I'm kind of embarrassed to even write this post.

So... I finished off Tuesday rather miserably. I went to AA and tried to be happy, but ended up blabbing to too many people about the nature of my "break-up." Then I went home and in my despair wrote Bezoukhoff a series of absurd texts.

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed at around midnight.

Something opened my eyes at around 4:00 AM. I realized it was a voice mail beeping on my cell phone. I was groggy, but checked the message. Obviously, it was Narc.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um... I'm actually in your 'hood. Uh... I'm right near you. Uh... Yeah-- some talking involved. Anyway, give me a call back. Alright. Bye.

I didn't know what any of that meant, but I heard music in the background, so I figured he was drunk and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Just as I did, the phone rang again.

"What is it?" I asked, still half asleep.

"I love you and I miss you," he said.

"It's only been a day..."

"I want to renegotiate," he said.

"What does that even mean?"

"I think I'm willing to commit. I want to renegotiate and I'm willing to commit."

"What?"

"Let me come and see you, Hyde."

"Are you serious, though? You really want to commit to me?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Come over."

He did. I opened the door still half asleep. I gave him a diet coke and he smoked a cigarette. He said that on Monday after that awful cab ride, when he went to his tarot class, they were studying two cards-- the Lovers and the Chariot.

"We were in that chariot," he said.

"Huh?"

"We were 'the lovers' in that chariot-- that taxi-- the bridge between the material world and the nearest star."

"What are you talking about?"

"Spiritual and material. If the Earth were a grain of sand right here, the sun would be a grapefruit 60 feet away. And the nearest star? As far as LA. Think about it..."

I asked him what all of this meant to him. He said that his tarot teacher did a reading for him about this situation. The card that represented him was the "Four of Wands." The card that represented me was the "Ten of Swords," pulled upside down.






























He explained to me that from his position, he thought that we were fine-- that we were friends and that we were having fun. That was the "top" card, so it was the exterior of our situation. He sees now that for me it was like "sleeping on a bed of nails."

(You only see that NOW? I wanted to shout. Haven't I been telling you for four years that I'm in pain about a lot of this?)

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Hyde," he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I never meant to hurt you."

It was sweet, I guess, but I couldn't help but think it was all a little theatrical. I think alcoholically and I know what it's like to convince myself of a feeling, even if it's not a deep rooted feeling. I had the sense that he was convincing himself to feel remorse, only for the aesthetic of the scene in which we were suddenly both playing a role.

"I know you didn't hurt me intentionally," I said.

I convinced him to come to bed, as I was drop dead tired (having taken a sleeping pill). I figured the discussion would be more productive in the light of day anyway.

The next morning we had lots and lots of sex and then started to talk. Everything is uglier in the light of day, though.

I asked him to clarify what he meant by "willing to commit."

"I won't sleep with anyone else right now," he said.

"What does 'right now' mean?" I asked.

"Right now means right now! This is what you wanted, Hyde. This is what you asked for and now you have it-- I won't sleep with anyone else, okay?"

"Um... Yeah, but, what does that mean? You won't kiss anyone else?"

"Yes. I won't make out with anyone else."

He looked angry.

"Are you angry with me, Narc?"

"A little," he said, looking away.

"Why??? Don't be mad at me. Can I have a hug?"

He gave me one.

"Just don't push it, Hyde," he said. "You have what you wanted. The more you push it right now, the more I'm getting pissed off."

"I'm not pushing anything!" I insisted. "I'm just trying to clarify."

"I thought I was pretty clear. And to be honest, this is getting more and more repulsive."

"Repulsive? What's repulsive? Making a commitment to me?"

"You giving me an ultimatum," he answered, sourly.

"It's not really an ultimatum, Narc. I'm just saying what I can and can't deal with."

"It is an ultimatum."

"Well, fine!" I exclaimed. "Even if it is, you've been giving me an ultimatum this entire time-- accept things on your terms, or go away."

"I never told you to go away," he said.

"Whatever..."

I was getting dressed, putting on my makeup in the bathroom. He was sitting on my living room couch, staring at the ceiling.

"What are you doing today?" I called over to him.

"Going home; hanging out; waiting for you to get done with your voice lesson. Then you're coming downtown and we're eating dinner at Mai House."

"Uh... okay."

I felt like I had to go have dinner with him at Mai House, even though I had plans for AA that night. "I'm giving you what you asked for!" he said. So, that's it? Now things are back to normal? I owe it to him since he's the one who "conceded?"

Why do I feel like I didn't get what I asked for? Why do I feel like I won nothing at all?

We left my place together, each getting into separate cabs. I headed over to school where I made small talk with Bezoukhoff before therapy.

Therapy was good. When I left I felt clear and strong. I realized that there are certain things that I know that I want. I'm going to list them here:

1. I want to be able to count on uninterrupted sleep so that I can approach my school work with a well rested brain
2. I want to be able to count on a going to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can make plans for the morning, like exercise or breakfast and remember to take my vitamins.
3. I want to devote myself to my scholarly work and to spend more time in the library. I want brain space to think about historical questions in my spare time and to be free of Narc-anxiety.
4. I want to spend enough time in my own apartment that I can make a routine for keeping it neat and orderly.
5. I want to wear something other than black shirts, sneakers and jeans every day-- to feel pretty again and to do my makeup and hair and not always be rolling out of bed at his place, or exhausted at my place, stepping into dirty laundry.
6. I want to feel wanted and to have a good self-esteem.
7. I don't want to be in conflict anymore.
8. (I want a real boyfriend-- a companion.)

Now, the question is-- are those things possible if I don't completely break from Narc? I don't know. A huge piece of me says "no, no they're not." But an equally huge piece of me remembers how miserable I was just 12 hours into a break-up. And I feel guilty, because he said he's giving me what I want. How do I ask for more?

Ugh...

So, for the rest of the day yesterday, I tried to just be myself and stay out of my mind's conflict. I went for a walk with Bezoukhoff; I had a great voice lesson (and loved singing the Aida!); and I had coffee with Cherubino.

And yes-- I had dinner with Narc at Mai House. I told him that I bought the solo version of guitar hero because I figured he wouldn't be coming over anymore. I told him that I had given Cherubino my mermaid tarot to hold onto. He didn't like either of those things. Nothing was normal. It's like a page has been turned and we are in a new chapter that we shouldn't be in.

I don't feel jealous of LA-Girl anymore. He said he won't sleep with her. I just feel tired.

We watched American Idol last night and went to sleep without sex.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out today. I feel pretty in my clothes and started teaching about Fascism.

VJ is going to have her baby any day now and Hammer just won two great fellowships-- a lot of money to write her dissertation. Three of the five professors I need have agreed to sit on my orals committee.

As for Narc? He's going to see some film preview this evening at Lincoln Square. I have a feeling he's taking LA-Girl, although he didn't tell me that part. I honestly don't care.

I don't want conflict anymore. I don't want to "be for others."

Um... that's it for now. I'm too confused to come up with any formal conclusion or bottom line for this post.

love,
h