Who knows...

At last... I finally have a moment to post something. (Although I probably should be catching up on some reading for my research paper, but whatever...) Things are a million times better than when I posted last week and I suppose I should remember that-- that no matter how bad I'm feeling at any given time, it most certainly will pass.

Anyway, a lot has been happening. On Thursday I was anxiously awaiting contact from Narc after sending that text to him on Wednesday night-- that I wanted to explain why I needed space. He called at around 3:30 while I was in my office. He sounded like he had just gotten out of bed.

"My office-mate is here, so I really can't talk right now," I said. "Can I call you later tonight?"

"Sure."

"After AA-- around 9:00?"

"Yeah, fine."

So, I managed to slog through the rest of the day. I was happy to see StarGazer at AA-- a friendly face, solace from the chaos in my head. When I got out of the meeting, Narc had sent me a text telling me that he had gone to dinner with his friend Smith. I wrote back that he should call me before midnight or else we could talk the next day. I didn't want to try to do this over a drunken phone call at 3:00 AM.

I went home that night and watched old episodes of The Sopranos. Surprisingly, Narc called at around 11:30.

"What's up?" he said.

"Not much... just here watching TV."

"I think I have to break it off with ModelChick and James."

"What?"

"Yeah-- I found out that James fucked her. I specifically asked him not to."

We talked about that for a while longer. ModelChick is Narc's ex-girlfriend and still friend. Apparently James used to hit on her and Narc specifically asked him not to sleep with her. He said that he was determined to completely end his relationship with both of them. I felt bad for him. But then again, he chooses the shittiest people to spend his time with.

Because we were talking about James (and what a whore he can be) Narc mentioned LA-Girl (in the context of James fucking her in LA). I took my opening and just blurted it out.

"Yeah, LA-Girl..." I muttered. "Narc-- are you dating her?"

My heart was in my throat after I said it.

"What? No!" he exclaimed.

"Because that's what I wanted to talk to you about," I went on. "I think you're dating her."

"I'm not. Why would you think that?"

"Because you said your Oscar party was just guys and then later said she was there. And then on Friday when I asked you what you were up to, you blatantly ignored my question and that was the night you saw her..."

"She just came by on Oscar night!" he said. "It's not like I invited her-- she just stopped by!"

"She knew where you lived?"

"Well, no-- she called about doing the movie and then I told her I had people over and she should swing by. It wasn't a big deal. And on that Friday I met her for a meeting about the movie at Flor del Sol. She only came back here so we could print the script. It wasn't a date. And that's the only time I saw her."

I wanted to say that I KNEW he saw her again on Monday night, but I couldn't.

"Look, it's not about the specifics," I said. "Obviously, you're not my boyfriend, you can date whomever you want. I'm just saying-- I'm uncomfortable. I haven't been sleeping well at your house. Remember how I woke up so early on Sunday?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"And then again on Wednesday-- I just woke up alert. I didn't feel right. I don't feel right being in a sexual relationship with someone who is dating or pursuing somebody else."

"I'm not dating or pursuing LA-Girl."

"Well, if not LA-Girl, then whoever... but the point is that I feel too vulnerable being sexually intimate with you and not knowing if at any moment I'm going to turn around and you'll be gone. You're not the only one who got hurt from that whole thing with PopStar, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Narc! I was seeing you for three years and you know that I love you. And then one day you told me in a text message that you were dating PopStar and had to disappear for a while."

"Well, I couldn't very well go on seeing both of you at the same time."

"I know, but there could have been some discussion... some warning! And then, while I was in bed with you a few months after that, you told me you were getting married. I'm just saying, Narc... it hurt. I won't go through it again. I just won't go through it."

"At some point, we'll both have to be dating someone else," he answered.

"I know. But as soon as it's on the horizon, I want out. I'm just asking you-- out of friendship, out of respect for me, if you are interested in someone else or start to date someone else, please, please, please tell me so that I can protect myself emotionally. It's one thing if we're both in between people and fucking around. It's another if you're seeing someone. I don't want to be in that."

"That's fair," he said. "But, Hyde-- I'm not dating LA-Girl. You know everything about me! I probably tell you too much already. Seriously, why would I date her? She fucked James and she has herpes."

"I don't know... I just had to say what I had to say."

"Well, okay."

There was a considerable pause.

"So... do you want to come down?" he asked.

"I don't think I can tonight. I'm meeting Brick pretty early tomorrow and I need sleep. I've been exhausted from all this... waiting to talk to you, you know..."

"I would have called sooner, but I was passed out when you left that message. I was out with James before that. It's when I found out about him and ModelChick."

"Yeah, ok. Let's just check in tomorrow or whatever."

And that was that.

So, I went to bed that night with a measure of peace.

The next morning, my phone rang at 8:30.

"Hyde!!! I'm almost to your house!!"

It was Brick. I hadn't seen him since July. Thursday was his birthday and he was in town visiting his boyfriend, friends and family. It was awesome to see him again. He was the exact same Brick-- a whirlwind. He was shocked at how much weight I've lost, so that was kind of fun. We hung out at my place for a little while and then walked up to the Morning Star Diner (one of our former favorite haunts) and got breakfast. After breakfast, Brick needed to go find LA Dodger hats because he forgot to bring them from LA for his nephews and niece. So, we walked over to a place on 5th Avenue where he picked up the hats and had the kids' initials embroidered. At around 11:30, we said goodbye and I headed off to school.

Hammer and some other students had organized a writing workshop in which several well-published professors from our department would give writing tips and suggestions to students. It was a great event and it was good to feel some department-community for once. The highlight of the afternoon, though, was ProfFascism. We had him in our first year and he used to be super straight-laced. He's a good looking guy in his late 30's and used to be clean shaven and wear a suit and tie and a wedding ring every day. On Friday he showed up kind of rumpled, with the "sexy stubble" and a mega tattoo snaking down his entire forearm onto his hand. Oh-- and there was no wedding ring. It was a total transformation. I would definitely be crushing on him if we had him for class now.

After the workshop, I had to leave right away and head downtown to meet my friend IronChef. IronChef is a few years older than I am. She had been my boss at my first job out of college-- at a major music management company. The last time I saw her, a year and a half ago, she was leaving for Taiwan to work for the Taipei cultural ministry. Now, she was back, having quit that job. We met in SoHo at a little cafe and caught up on both of our lives. She's hoping to stay in NY permanently, but of course has to get the visa stuff straightened out. She already has one job offer from another very prestigious music management company. I'm sure she'll figure it all out!

When I left the cafe, it was raining and I was carrying a stack of library books. I tried my best to shield them with my coat. Cabs were scarce, as I was not far from the Holland Tunnel. I finally managed to find one, although I walked as far as Church Street and was semi-drenched.

I settled in back at home, showered and ate something and before long, Narc sent me a text. I asked him if he had "broken up" with James. He said he had tried, but James brought another friend to lunch, so it had to wait. Then he invited me down.

It was a nice night. Things seemed back to "normal," although I suppose there is really no such thing as "normal" when it comes to me and Narc. We watched some Lost, hung out for a bit and eventually went to bed.

On Saturday morning, I had to leave his place around noon in order to meet the rest of my family for my cousin's birthday lunch. Jol, the youngest of my cousins is a student at NYU and just turned 21. We met at Pete's Tavern on Irving Place. My mom had an old friend that lives nearby (the friend with whom she met my dad, actually), and so she gave her friend a call. She came down to the restaurant to say hi, and that was kind of interesting. The lunch was nice and it's always good to see my sisters and the boys. Unfortunately, I had to cut it short because I had signed up for an AA bowling trip taking place across town.

So, I raced across town to Port Authority (where I had horrible memories of coming down off coke the morning I went to go see Hammer in DC) and went up to the bowling alley. There were so many of us there. It was awesome! And everyone was having so much fun. I joined a game and was the high scorer. (That's not saying much, though, with a score of 111).

After bowling, Pixie and I caught up for a bit, as she shared a cab with me back to the East Side. She was headed to our group's Saturday night meeting, but I couldn't go, as I had plans with NDN.

NDN is working a new job now, for which he has been given a company car. He wanted to go off and find some kind of "adventure" that would make use of the car. He decided to take me to Valentino's-- a little Italian restaurant up in Yonkers that he used to frequent with his family as a kid. When I knocked on his door at around 7:30, he was a sight to behold. He was dressed entirely like a guido, and I have to say-- it rather suited him. He is such a weirdo, sometimes, that I have to laugh. Even though I was not in "costume," we hit the road and it wasn't long before we were dining on some delicious zuppa di pesce. It was definitely well worth the trip for the laughs alone. NDN thinks the place has ties to the mob and the bouncer at the door seemed to fit his theory.

Anyway, we were home by around 10:30 PM and I was exhausted!! Even so, I could hardly sleep that night. I just felt so wound up. I think it was 4:00 AM (not helped by the fact that we turned the clocks) by the time I got some rest.

The next day, when I opened my eyes, it was 1:51 PM. Shit!! I was late to meet Brick and his friends for brunch!! Brick had scheduled a 2:00 PM brunch at Norma's (in the Parker Meridian hotel). I sent him a text, got dressed as fast as I could and hopped in a cab. It was nice to meet his other people-- people I've heard so much about, especially his boyfriend. One of his other friends from college is also in the program, so I took her number. Afterwards, I gave Brick a sad hug goodbye and was on my way.

I stopped off in Sabon for a little more retail therapy before getting home. Narc and I had been texting throughout the afternoon and at around 8:00 PM, he invited me to come down and meet him at Blaue Gans. I wasn't really prepared for the night that I was given once I got there.

Narc had been meeting with the DP for his movie (if it ever gets made!!). When I arrived, he was outside on the street smoking. I waited for him to finish and then we took our seats at the bar. I asked him if he had done his "breakup" yet with either James or ModelChick.

"James, not yet, but ModelChick-- yeah, today on the phone."

We talked about that for a long time. He was really upset with them both and kept going on about the poor quality of people in his life.

"The worst part is, that I could have seen this coming!" he said.

"No, that's the best part," I told him. "That part is in your control. This doesn't have to happen again."

He talked for a while more about how he wants to rid his life of all of the "duplicitous" people in it.

"You really see who your friends are in a time of crisis," he said. "When I was in the hospital last year, James didn't come once to see me."

"But you do have real friends," I said. "CouchSleeper was there all the time."

And so was I! I wanted to add, but didn't.

I didn't have to add it. Narc thought it too. He put his arm around me. He ordered me something to eat. He was being so affectionate towards me that night.

Back at his place, things got stranger. Perhaps, though, it was all just a mirage. Who knows.

"We watch too much TV together," he said. "And I don't want that to be what we're about."

"I agree."

"So, let's do something else."

"Ok. I'm game. What do you want to do?"

Narc suggested listening to the new NIN album (just released on their website) and watching Brian Eno's "77 Million Paintings."

"Come here," he said, pulling me in close on his chest. He kissed me.

"I love you," he said.

"What?"

"I love you so much. I don't tell you that enough, Hyde. But, I love you and I always have."

I didn't really know what to say.

"I love you too," I said. But the words sounded strange coming out of my mouth.

"You've always been there for me... no matter what," he said, before kissing me again.

I can't tell you for how long I've been starving to hear those words. Here they were, and I had no fucking clue where to put them!

The night went on like that. We made out for a few hours. It was so intense. I don't want to record it all here. I'd rather it be ephemeral and magical-- like one of those 77 million paintings that will never reappear.

We listened to a piece that he had composed in college. I think he was a little embarrassed I would criticize it. But everything was so beautiful and he made himself so vulnerable.

He wasn't drunk at all when we got to his place, but he poured himself a few more at his apartment. And he was getting tipsy.

"If you're going to be my girl, Hyde," he said, "if I'm going to love, love you... you have to be more of a gamer chick."

"You don't love, love me?"

"I do love, love you. But if I'm going to love, love, LOVE you..."

"Ok... So what's a gamer chick?"

("Your girl?" What does that mean?!?!)

"A gamer!" he said. "You've got to beat some games."

"Narc, I really suck at those games. I don't even know how to use the controllers. But I can try."

"That's all I ask!" he exclaimed. "I only ask that you try! I'd try to play piano for you, you know."

That was the weirdest analogy ever, but ok....

"Yeah, but I wouldn't expect you to be able to sit down and play Beethoven in one night," I smiled.

"Just willingness."

"I'm definitely willing," I answered.

So, he put on Heavenly Sword. It was a gorgeous game, and I played for a while, but it was almost 3:00 AM and I was super tired.

"Can't we go to bed soon?" I asked.

"Not until you pass this part! I know you can do it!"

I had to sit there trying to master some canon-shooting scene while he cheered me on. I was desperately happy when I got it on the fourth try, but only because I wanted to go to bed and I felt like I was losing control of the situation.

I was happy back in bed with him though. He pulled me close in the dark.

"I like sleeping next to you, Hyde."

"I like sleeping here too. I always sleep well here."

"I don't want you to ever, ever go to sleep here again not knowing how much I love you," he said. "I always love you. Always!!"

"Ok, Narc."

"And you can sleep here every night if you want."

"Thank you."

"I will never leave you," he said.

I tried to close my ears to it, so that my head wouldn't explode. I can't even begin to explain how many emotions and thoughts were racing across my brain all at once.

Just let yourself be happy right now, Hyde. Just let it go and enjoy this moment and go to sleep.

The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I found my toothbrush in the cabinet next to his-- this after he had specifically told me (a few months ago) that it had to be stored under the sink so that it didn't have any "meaning." Strange.

He was equally loving in the morning, even free of all the alcohol. And it was perfect being intimate with him. When I left, he kissed me and told me that he would see me later and to call when I got through with my obligations. (Huh? What the fuck is going on??)

All of that said and done, I couldn't stick around all day. I was supposed to meet Hammer to do some work, but had to cancel and get to school to meet a Professor. After that, I grabbed coffee with B and then headed up to Columbia to hear Catherine Hall, a British historian, give a lecture.

The talk was very interesting-- she was applying the methodology of a social historian to the subject matter of intellectual historians. Perhaps I will blog more about that later.

When I got out, I texted Narc.

At BG with Smith. Come by? he replied.

So... he was inviting me to meet him while he was out with a friend other than James??? Again-- what the fuck is going on? I told him I had to stop home first, but eventually got down there at around 9:45 PM.

Smith said that he had met me before and that he knew who I was. I smiled and said "nice to see you again," but I don't think I've met him. I wouldn't forget something like that-- you know me and my obsessive chronicling and obsessvie memory! Narc put his hand on my leg, as if we were a couple. They were talking about getting shares out in the Hamptons this summer.

Back at his place a little while later, I ate an orange and polished my nails. He smoked a few cigarettes. We watched The Prestige. He performed a really awesome card trick (and I owed him a kiss at the end). It all felt almost real. Then we went to sleep at around 1:00 AM and I left this morning to come teach. He has already texted me to "call later." I don't know how to process all this. He's acting like I'm his girlfriend.

Anyway, I've been talking to Cherubino at it and that has all been giving me a lot of anxiety and some resentment. I want to write more about that, but I have to go teach in another ten minutes and don't have time. So, I'll leave it at that for now.

Who knows...

love,
h