I'm Lost

I presented my prospectus last night, but it left me more confused than ever. I hate having to stand up behind half formed ideas. I hate having to pretend that I have opinionated arguments to make about subjects that I have barely begun to process. The feedback I got was helpful, but I am left with the sinking feeling that I'm really not interested in my subject matter and I don't want to get boxed into something I find uninteresting for my dissertation. In any case, I wrote a detailed email to my advisor this afternoon. Hopefully he'll be able to help me.

Yesterday I did a little shopping-- classic retail therapy!! It was nice to walk around outside in short sleeves, with my new Prada sunglasses and my iPod. Spring! :)

After class I came home, ordered dinner that I didn't eat, showered and got ready for bed. Narc had texted me a few times that day, but still, I was feeling anxious. It's becoming more and more clear that I do this to myself. But I don't know how to stop.

He texted me at around midnight, inviting me over. Despite the fact that I was already in bed, I decided to go. He had been basically doing nothing all day-- went to his Tarot class, was reading a book in some restaurant/bar that evening. We tried to start Season 3 of "Lost," but were having difficulty with the streaming. So, we went to bed around 2:00.

I was exhausted beyond belief. I fell asleep fast and had strange dreams that I was travelling with my husband, some military guy and we had to escape political persecution. I was hauling huge duffel bags on my shoulders, although I didn't know what was in them. I was much older in my dream-- in my mid-late 40's. Anyway, we escaped to Poland and then I opened the bags to find they were body bags and my adult children were in them. One of the children was still alive though. I don't remember a good chunk of what came after that, but the dream ended with my "husband" getting impaled on barbed wire trying to escape from a second location. Who the fuck knows what any of that is about!!

So, this morning, I packed up my stuff and headed off to teach. The classroom was so stifling hot that I could barely stand, let around move around animatedly and lecture. I did most of the lecture sitting down. Maybe not the most dynamic performance, but I really did feel as if I would faint otherwise.

Tonight I've got AA, etc. I'm not feeling well, though, and sort of wish I could just go home and skip the rest of my day. I think my body is weak from continually fighting this UTI. I still have to pick up the third prescription I've had called in for me over this.

I'm tired. I'm confused from doing too much 10th step. I'm anxious and paranoid about my relationships. I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know when I'm going to start my second two papers. I'm watching too much "Lost."

Um... the end.

love,
h