Getting what I asked for...

So, I made it through the night and today is another day. Um... well, I only "made it through" depending on how you interpret that statement. I did leave him a message. I told him that I wanted to talk to him to explain what I had said earlier that morning.

I was talking to VJ about all of this on the phone last night and she said that she always feels better in these situations when the ball is in her court-- when she hasn't been the last one to make contact. That makes sense, but for some reason, I feel better when I'm waiting for him. If he's waiting for me, there's too much pressure on me to do something; my action or inaction has too much impact. It scares me.

I felt a little relief after I left the message. Of course, he didn't call me back. He probably won't for a while. But then again, isn't that what I asked for?

Here is the rock:
I DON'T WANT SPACE

Here is the hard place:
I CAN'T COPE WITH HIM PURSUING SOMEONE ELSE.

And here I am in between the two, with nowhere to go.

I am obsessing today. I am distracted and my heart is racing. I can't eat much, but I kind of like the feeling of being emptied.

It's only day two... Day TWO! I keep telling myself. Think about day 2 when you stopped drinking. Life is NOTHING like Day 2 now! It has to get better. It has to get better.

But will it? Will I allow it to? Do I want it to? I want to stop hurting, but I don't want to lose him.

Last year at this time was the exact moment when he told me that PopStar was back. Well, he didn't really tell me upfront. Instead, he just stopped talking to me. I was confused and devastated. And so, I wrote him a letter:

I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt. I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.

Thanks.
Hyde

His reply after days of torment and silence:

Always fretting, you are!! Worry not my dear, just been extraordinarily busy as of late--haven't been keeping with quite a few people as a result (yourself included). Also, PopStar just back in from Moscow, so figuring out all of that etc. Pushing on with a few projects, will write or give a call soon.

--Narc

And then I just wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I wanted to slice myself to shreds. It's all there in the archives... all over last March!

I texted this to my sponsor almost exactly a year ago:

I'm dying. I want to text him so badly. Going to take a shower to keep myself away from the phone. I feel like I'm white knuckling it with Narc. It's maddening!!

How is it that I'm in the exact same space today.

How do I let myself do this over and over and over? How do I numb out the past and get amnesia about all of it? Just when I'm proud of myself for changing so much in my life, I'm reminded of my tendencies to live the same day, the same moment, the same emotion over and over and over and over. What is that about???

I guess reading the archives is helping a little. It's helping me to realize how long I've been suffering over all this. It's helping me remember that this does not make me feel good.

(But I don't care, says the little voice in my head. I don't care if I feel bad. I just want to be with him.)

I don't know...

In any case, I did my best to function yesterday. I went to my voice lesson, but my body was entirely deflated. I could only drag enough breath from my gut to power my voice through a few measures. I was pushing and my throat was closed. My shoulders wouldn't hold up. My teacher cut the lesson short at 45 minutes.

"You're just in no shape to sing today!" she remarked.

So, I went to Old Navy and bought a few things. It helped a little. Then I watched "Lost" in bed. I wonder if he's watching too...

(It's only been a day since you've seen him, Hyde! Stop this ridiculous romanticizing of your "separation"!)

This morning I prayed on the phone with Pixie. Then I dragged myself up and out to teach. We are doing Italian and German Unification, but I didn't really enjoy it. I just wanted to get through.

Brick is in town this weekend, though, and I'm going to get to see him tomorrow morning! I haven't seen him since July. Oh-- and it's his birthday today. He's got around 50 days sober again (I think). I just hope and pray that he gets it and finds happiness.

In other news, I'm upset with B. I'm feeling a little abandoned by old friends, but don't want to get into all of that here. It's just painful and seems to underscore all of these feelings I'm having about Narc.

But really-- how did I let this post get so utterly depressing? Didn't I empower myself when I said I needed space? Wasn't I in fact asking for what I need? Why is it so hard to remember that? Why does it hurt so much when it's only what I asked for?

I can't wait for today to be over. I want to go home. I need to get some sleep if I'm going to get through the insanely busy weekend ahead. Not only am I meeting up with Brick tomorrow, but I am going to a writing seminar at school and then I'm meeting another old friend--IronChef. She's back in town after 18 months in Taiwan.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I spewed out all of what I had to spew at the computer screen. I'm going to go try to do something productive now, before teaching my next class.

love,
h