Et Resurrexit

So, as usual, I've been confused. But at least I've been confused and busy. There hasn't been that much time to dwell on anything at all.

On Wednesday after that disconcerting and disheartening text exchange with Narc, I headed into my voice lesson and somehow managed to pull off some fabulous singing. When I emerged, I called Bezoukhoff to see if he wanted to meet up. I sang him a rendition of Pace, pace and he noted a considerable improvement in my technique. Yay! After that, I had to recount to him the latest twists and turns in the never ending Narc-saga (de rigeur!), followed by some "comfort" food at the Comfort Diner. Once back at my apartment, we enjoyed some youtube entertainment (including this gem) and ordered an English-subtitled DVD set of Schtirlitz (whom I once wrote about here). As for Narc? Despite that afternoon's text-drama, he sent me a few "normal" texts that night-- prosaic commentary about HBO's In Treatment, and that sort of thing.

The next day was a long one. Bezoukhoff had given me some new and interesting ideas for a paper, so I set about pulling articles to read while administering midterm exams. (Trotsky calling Stalin a Bonapartist and all that jazz...) At least teaching didn't require the boundless reams of energy as usual. All I had to do was sit there and read those articles while my students took their exams. Still, the day seemed to stretch on eternally. By the time I got to AA, I was wiped out, craving home and a hot shower like never before. As for Narc? He had texted me in the afternoon, seeking my company. However, as I was busy all day, I promised to call when AA was through. He was at Blaue Gans and invited me down. I re-dressed, dried my hair, applied my makeup, packed an overnight bag and eventually made it out of my house.

When I got there, Narc was sitting at the bar. He was wearing a rose colored shirt, a tiny cordial glass set in front of him. He was disappointed that I had just missed his friend the Shark.

That's odd, I thought. He has never wanted me to meet the Shark before... Stop over-analyzing, Hyde!

"I'm curious what you would think of him," he said. "You two are such complete and utter opposites. You're two totally different aspects of my life."

"Really? How so?" I asked. "How are we opposites?"

"Well, the Shark is super aggressive," he explained. "He cuts people up and cuts people down for the fun of it. That's why he's so good in the court room. This guy is all about making money. He used to be a fierce rugby player. You can see it-- he's huge; he's intense and he's got this shaved head... Anyway, all of that competitiveness is now everywhere in his regular life."

"And how would you describe me?" I smiled.

"You? You're very soft, Hyde."

"Soft?"

"Pliable. You're flexible for people, warm, nurturing. You're a caretaker. Not competitive at all. Your energy is inviting and sweet. I can't picture you on a 'stage' like the Shark's courtroom. That is, unless maybe it's singing opera."

"Don't forget that I teach," I laughed. "I'm on a stage several times a week. And as for being pliable and flexible? Most people would say I'm super stubborn!"

"I didn't mean being soft was a bad thing," he scoffed. "I just meant that you're really nurturing and put yourself out there."

"No, I know that Narc. I'm just saying, it's interesting because I'm not like that in every part of my life. I'm definitely like that with you though. I guess we all ever know just a part of each other... To be honest, I have no idea how I'd sum you up if someone ever asked!"

He had clearly had a few drinks, although he wasn't drunk. I ordered a diet coke and waited for him to finish the one in front of him. It smelled like pine trees.

"I'm just in a strange mood today," he said. "I've been crying all afternoon."

"Crying? What happened?"

That was certainly out of left field!

"Just a memory that came up, that's all. I want to tell you about it, but not here. Not now. It's just been a depressing week."

"Yeah, I know. I've been depressed this week too," I said, giving him a certain look. "It hasn't been an easy one."

I wanted to say more, but I didn't. After that, the subject turned. We sat at the bar for a while longer, chatting about a whole slew of things before heading back to his place.

Ah! Thursday night! We were both excited about the new episode of Lost awaiting us. However, before we ever had the chance to turn it on, the conversation turned to Narc's disturbing memory. I don't want to talk about it specifically or in detail, as I don't think that's fair to him, but I can tell you this-- it was certainly strange. He remembered a girl (Allison S.) being bullied by some really horrible boys and Narc did nothing to stop it. As he was telling me this story, he started to cry. His eyes were red and he was choking. I've never seen anything like it. To be honest, I've only ever seen Narc cry once before and that was three years ago. Unsure of how to react, I tried to reassure him that he was just a kid when it happened; I tried to hug him and listen. But this very conversation opened dozens of dark passageways. For both of us, it led to discussion of parents, disappointments, old wounds and childhood in general.

Part of me wonders if it wasn't all just a little bit convenient for this memory to disturb him on that very night. There was clearly a rift between us over LAGirl. I had clearly made my anger and discontent known. And here was something to restore it all back to normal. To make Hyde the "nurturer," the "soft, pliable" lover that I am somehow supposed to be. Whether or not it was intentional, it worked. It called on me to forget my anger. It erased the hard place in my heart that it has taken so long for me to uncover.

In any case, we chain-smoked and talked about the "Allison S. story" for at least a few hours before the darkness lifted and the conversation turned entirely to other things. I told Narc of some strange dreams. The first was about my sister. (Have I told you all that BigSis is pregnant? I found out a few weeks ago, but it was supposed to be a secret until now). Anyway, in my dream, BigSis was driving a car and I was in the passenger seat. She drove us right off a cliff. The car was suspended in the air for quite some time and we were both aware that we were going to die, with only a slight chance of survival.

"Cover your head!" I screamed, thinking of all the brain damage suffered by my stepbrother in his car accident.

"I can't! I have to hold onto the baby!" she called back.

She let go of the wheel and held down on her stomach as tight as she could. I felt really guilty that I was able to cover my head but that she couldn't. I felt guilty and helpless and I waited for the fall.

In a second dream, Narc was interviewing me.

"When is the first time you knew that I meant anything to you?" he asked, with a pen and paper poised.

"Um... August, 2004--right before you disappeared to the Dominican Republic on that so-called 'blind date,'" I said.

He jotted down my answer.

"And when's the first time you knew I meant everything to you?"

"That's easy!" I laughed. "November 19, 2004-- the KGB Bar night."

Anyway, on Thursday night I told him about both of those dreams.

"What's the KGB bar night?" he asked.

"Narc! You know it-- the night we went up on your roof."

I told him the story again. I was a little embarrassed in midst of it, but it felt good to be so honest. I want to have no qualms about making my feelings clear. I think it's important that he knows how I have experienced the past few years-- that my experience of this relationship is different than his, but that it's consistent. That way, he can't think that I'm being "irrational" for feeling pain about this thing with LAGirl; that way, he can't think that his perception is the only perception.

Talking about all of those memories brought up the night that we met. Even that night, we remember differently. He remembers a lot more about the sex than I do; he remembers what we talked about before and after; he remembers every position. I was so high on coke at that point that it's a blur. I remember more about our first conversations in the bar and immediately back at his place. It is all so strange.

In any case, we had sex and then went to bed. He told me that he loves me. I loved it and hated it at once. I felt indulgent, but also guilty for ignoring the part of me that is desperately trying to cling to my anger-- to my truth.

The next morning as I was brushing my teeth, I decided to be bold.

"Can I ask you something?" I began.

"Yeah, sure. What?"

"Um... Is there any particular reason why my toothbrush is back in your cabinet?"

Oh man, did I just say that?

"What do you mean?" he asked, seemingly ruffled. "Didn't you put it there?"

"Um, no, Narc. I always put it back under the sink."

"Does it matter?" he laughed.

This was awkward.

"Don't you remember having a very explicit conversation about it? Don't you remember telling me that my toothbrush had to be kept under the sink, lest it make some kind of statement?"

"Oh. Uh-- yeah, I guess," he muttered. "I mean, at the time I felt like there should just be my toothbrush in there, I guess. But... now it doesn't bother me. I don't know, Hyde..."

"Ok. I was just asking," I said.

Later, we headed over to Megu for lunch-- that fancy Japanese place he took me to a few weeks ago. I told him that I cut my ankle the other day. (I'm sure he saw it the night before anyway). He didn't ask me why. He only told me that he had another friend who struggled with cutting and put it down for years, but then picked up again when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend.

"Yeah, it's hard," I said.

I didn't know what else to say. I don't think he did either. I just didn't want to feel weird about it.

After lunch, I graded papers at his place for a few hours while he watched TV. The evening fell. It was time for another meal.

Narc wanted to find a pint of Guinness, but there are no "proper" Irish pubs in his neighborhood. We walked around for a while in search of one, only to find the sole neighborhood pub closed down for renovations. Finally, we settled on Mai House on Franklin Street.

The food there was really excellent. But while we were eating, somehow the subject of birthdays came up.

"Speaking of birthdays, can I ask you something?" I interjected.

(Uh oh. Another "Can I ask you something...")

"Yeah, sure."

"Why don't you ever invite me to your birthday parties?"

It was an uncomfortable question. But somehow, I just asked it.

"Um... I don't know, Hyde. I mean, I don't really have birthday parties," he stammered. "It's just a few friends..."

"Yeah, but why don't you invite me?"

"I don't send out invitations," he laughed.

"No, really-- why haven't you ever asked me to come?"

"Well, it's just a few of us. Just a few close friends, you know?"

"Close friends? You spend waaaaay more time with me than you do with anyone else."

"It's not a measure of friendship," he said.

I just looked at him plainly.

"Look, I don't know, Hyde!" he said, starting to get defensive. "You probably wouldn't want to come-- that's why. I mean, everyone would be drinking."

"First of all, this is the fourth birthday I'll have known you for. I haven't been sober for that long. Besides, that can't really have anything to do with it. You drink around me all the time. And even if I wouldn't want to come, you could still invite me and let that be my call."

"You want to come? Fine, so come this year. I think we're going to see Indiana Jones or something."

"I don't want to impose, Narc. I only wanted to know why you had never asked me."

I was hoping I hadn't ruined the night by being so forward. Either way, I didn't regret the conversation. But I was glad when we were somehow able to move on.

NDN was texting me that he felt really sick. I called him when we left the restaurant. Narc wanted to stop at a deli, so we did a little grocery shopping while I checked in with NDN on the phone.

As for the rest, everything was fine that night... sort of.

Narc kept talking about some costume party he had been invited to for the following night. He has a new friend, R-- some architect he met at Blaue Gans. R invited him to the party. Narc asked LAGirl to come along. It stung. I wish it didn't, but it did. Furthermore, I saw that he had sent her a text, asking her: spend the weekend with me. I couldn't let on that I had seen it. Later, she wrote him something back telling him that she couldn't go to the party because she would be perpetually busy until the "end of term." I guess she's in school or something. Either way, it doesn't sound like she's interested in him.

But, I had to crush my feelings somewhere and tuck them away into oblivion so that I wouldn't explode or once again, vomit my soul out into the toilet bowl. It hurt.

Oh well... can't dwell, right?

The next morning I had to wake up relatively early to meet Contessa and her husband for brunch up in Inwood. Bezoukhoff and I and Contessa and her husband all had tickets to see Pomerium at the Cloisters (the medieval museum). I met them for brunch at a cafe up on 187th street (quite a haul from Tribeca!) and then we walked through the park to the museum and met up with Bezoukhoff. Contessa told me that I have the "perfect family." I had to laugh. In any case, she seems to be doing okay, considering what she must be feeling with the loss of her father.

The concert was beautiful. They sang Renaissance motets about the Passion and Resurrection. My favorite composer was Gesualdo. He had quite a dramatic bio too! Afterwards, we all walked around the museum for a bit before Contessa and her husband had to take off. Bezoukhoff and I continued meandering and I contemplated plucking out my eyebrows and shaving back my hairline so that I could become a medieval beauty. I at least want to get myself some medieval headgear. After two hours or so, I bought a book called Wonderful Blood in the bookstore, we grabbed lunch at a nearby diner and then hopped in a cab back downtown to meet B and his wife at church for the Easter Vigil.

Bezoukhoff and I got there first, but we found B without too much of a problem. His wife seemed startled when I said hello. It's always awkward for me to see her because I know that she hates me just for the very fact of my existence. It's an uncomfortable feeling. In any case, the service was beautiful in a restrained, Anglican kind of way. Afterwards, B asked if we wanted to go out for a bite, but I had to turn them down, as I had to dash off to Pixie's party.

Pixie held her birthday dinner at a Union Square restaurant called Japonais. She invited about ten girls. I brought Bezoukhoff along, which momentarily felt awkward, but it all worked out in the end. I realized being there, how much time I've spent away from AA fellowship lately. I miss it and I think it's no good for me to be investing so much of my time into Narc. It's got to be a poor investment! On the other hand, I can't seem to stop myself...

By the time dinner was through, I was absolutely exhausted. I hadn't been home since Thursday, I was grimy and dizzy and tired and couldn't wait to crawl into bed.

On Easter morning I overslept. I had to dash out of the house, slightly disoriented and only once I was in the taxi did I realize that I had forgotten my wallet. Thankfully, I had about $15 jammed into my jeans pocket-- just enough to pay for the cab and get me on the train to see my family.

At my parents house, I had a mini shopping spree! (Well, sort of...) I had stored a lot of clothes there a while back-- clothes that have been too small on me for years, but now fit. So, I got try everything on and it was a lot of fun. I came home with half of a new wardrobe!

At 1:00 PM we went over to Bro-in-Law's parents' house for Easter dinner. It was a really nice afternoon. I love playing with his sister's kids (D&D). And I got to have my first ever go at "Guitar Hero." I loved it!! I loved it so much that I left there determined to get myself some kind of game system so that I could play at home. JBC volunteered his old Ps2. Fantastic!

Meanwhile, Narc and I were texting all afternoon. He has a funny idea about making a live-action Jem & the Holograms movie, and my sisters and I were trying to construct the perfect cast. I also got to make my amends to Bro-in-Law, and that went really well. He is just so amazing. He told me that he feels like I'm a sister and that he's just grateful to get to know me even more now that I'm sober. He said that he loves me and that he's proud of me. I feel so lucky to have him in my family.

I didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM that night, after waiting on a very long and cold taxi line at Penn Station. I was carrying a duffel full of all of those clothes plus the Ps2! Back home, after showering and chatting for a while with a friend from AA, I gave Narc a call. Of course, he invited me down. I think I arrived at around 1:00 AM, sandwiches, Doritos, Gatorade, red bull and ice cream in tow. We stayed up for a while talking and watching TV. He was excited about my acquisition of a PlayStation. (Remember, he can "love, love, LOVE" me if I become a "gamer chick").

The next afternoon we headed over to Chinatown for soup dumplings, bubble tea and video game shopping. Over lunch, I semi-convinced Narc to make a pact with me that we will both be more productive, get more sleep and wake up earlier this week. At the game shop, we picked up "God of War" and FF12. Then we headed back to my place to set up the system.

Narc got it all arranged in pretty short order. He introduced me to Final Fantasy 12 and before I knew it, I had been playing for four hours. I'm not sure if this is all such a good idea for someone like me with an addictive personality and a PhD to finish. In any case, he skipped his tarot class to stay with me while I played. At 9:00 PM, I could play no more and so we headed over to Rosa Mexicana for dinner. Narc called his friend Smith who lives on the Upper East Side, inviting him to join us, but Smith was otherwise occupied. After dinner, we stopped in at Cheers because Narc wanted a pint of Guinness. I guess he's on a Guiness kick... BarMan was there, but otherwise the place was pretty empty. I was glad that Narc reminded me that it was PumpedUp's birthday. I always like to leave him a card and a little something. This year I gave him a chocolate "Wonka egg." Ha ha...

Anyway, back at my place, Narc insisted that we try out "God of War."

"Aren't I supposed to be monogamous to one game at a time?" I asked. "Isn't that what you told me this afternoon?"

"Well, you have to try them all out first and then see which one you want to be monogamous with!" he laughed.

"Oh, is that how it works?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's never the way I do it. I usually try only one and if it's okay, I just decide to stick with it."

We popped the game in, waited a second and--

nothing.

The system wouldn't read the disc. Not easily defeated, we tried again.

Nothing.

Then the color went out and the screen went fuzzy. It would appear that my newly acquired PS2 was already fried. I was crestfallen. So was he.

Still, not easily defeated (I said I was stubborn, right?) I went online to see if anyone else had suffered similar problems. The one suggestion I kept coming across was that we clean the lens. That, however, was easier said than done. It required dismantling the system and I all I had for tools was my tiny "matryoshka" hammer. Yet, somehow, after about an hour, we managed to remove all the screws (even with one of them slightly stirpped.) Both of us were half delerious with chapped hands from grabbing on to the tiny screwdrivers so tightly. Once we finally got the thing apart, I couldn't find any rubbing alcohol. This project, which we wouldn't give up on, sent us back out at 2:00 AM to Duane Reade for the alcohol and compressed air. We finally got the lens cleaned, finally got the system put back together, finally plugged it in and-- color was back!

And then... the color was gone.

:(

I was so sad. It was still broken. No "God of War" for me.

Narc promised that tomorrow morning he'll take me back to Chinatown and we'll get a new "used" PS2. I hope it's not too much money.

Anyway, after that there wasn't much else to do except go to bed. We had made a deal to both have productive days, so the alarm was set and this morning we were up with a groan.

We got dressed while Highlander was blaring on the TV and then I came here to teach. I am still obsessed with looking medieval, so I've been shopping around online for a caul or coronet or fillet or snood. Like I said-- it's all about the headgear.

Um... well, that's it for now. Hope everyone has had a happy Easter and that we are all able to die to death and spiritually resurrect ourselves for yet another year. And I hope I figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life... in short order.

lots of love,

h