Escalation, Regression

I'm not in very good shape. Not at all. I don't even really have the energy to explain. At the same time, I'm totally fine. Everything is just totally fine. Nobody would notice that I'm in terrible shape.

Narc called me late on Sunday night-- around 2:00 AM. He came over. I asked him how his wine tasting thing was. He told me that he took LA-Girl and that afterwards she came back to his place and they polished off two bottles of wine. Then she passed out (in his bed) and so he slept next to her. He said they were fully clothed. I asked him if he kissed her; he said no. I asked him if he put his arms around her; he said yes.

I am so entirely grossed out.

Anyway, it was a rough night for me. We talked in circles about it. He kept trying to assure me that he's not interested in this girl, that he loves me, etc. But I know better. I told him that my intuition told me years ago that PopStarChick was trouble, but I ignored that intuition. My intuition told me that Laurie was trouble. I can sense these shifts in his energy. I told him that. I told him that the first time PopStar appeared on my radar was June, 2005. And Laurie? Things turned with her this past fall. He admitted that I was right-- that my intuition was pretty much dead on.

"But, am I supposed to live my life by your intuition, Hyde?" he asked.

"No. But I'M supposed to live my life by my intuition."

He kept telling me that he loves me and that he and LA-Girl are "just friends."

"Just friends?" I exclaimed. "Aren't we 'just friends'???"

He didn't really answer that.

The bottom line-- he told me that he really likes this girl, that she's cute and that he likes to flirt with her, so she's going to be a part of his life.

"I don't want her to be a part of my life," I said. "But you're a part of my life, Narc, and if she's a part of yours, I only see one solution."

"What? That I get rid of her? It's not going to happen," he said.

"No, that I get rid of you. Although I can't believe I'm even saying that."

"This is SO stupid, Hyde!" he said. "You want to end our relationship over this girl that I'm not even interested in! If you want to be all dramatic and find a reason to be in pain and make melodrama, go right ahead. But that's your business."

"I'm not being dramatic," I said. "I just don't want to get hurt. I ignored my feelings last time, and it hurt like hell. I don't want to get hurt."

I brought up the whole thing with PopStar. He got defensive.

"YOU were intimate with other people too," he said.

"What? When?"

"I remember your blog, Hyde."

"What? KHill peed on my hand while I was wasted, two and a half years ago on the street on Second Avenue and you're calling that intimate? That's insane."

"How do I know your blog isn't filled with stories like that."

"You want to know what my blog's filled with Narc?"

"What?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

"It's about you. It's about now I love you. If you read it, you'd probably think I was ridiculous. But that's what it's about."

"Yeah, maybe I would," he said.

When we were heading to bed, I showed him how I had cleaned up my closets.

"Wow! There will be nothing left on your agenda to get your life in order by 30," he laughed. (That had been my stated goal.)

"Yes, there's still something left."

"What?"

"Fall in love with someone other than you," I said.

"That's real nice," he muttered. "Thanks."

Later, we got in bed. I didn't want to take my clothes off.

"Just take your clothes off," he said.

"I can't. I feel weird."

"Can't you feel weird with your clothes off?"

"No."

He tried to snuggle me. I was trying not to cry.

"What do you want, Hyde? A marriage proposal?"

"No. I just want to feel special," I said.

"Well, I can't promise you that I can make you feel special. But I can promise you that I love you, okay? You know that I love you."

"I don't know," I said.

Then I tried to kiss him. Maybe I just wanted validation. He didn't want to kiss. He wanted to go to sleep.

"Why don't you want to kiss me?" I asked.

"I'm tired," he said. "It doesn't mean anything. Stop analyzing."

He passed out and was snoring so loudly that I couldn't sleep. I was up until nearly 6:00 AM. I had to go remove myself and sleep on my own couch.

The next morning, I crawled back into bed with him at around 10:30 AM. When he woke up, he had an erection. I thought he wanted to have sex, but instead he just wanted to masturbate in my mouth. Nice.

We stayed in bed though and later had sex too. I don't know what I was thinking about.

He said we had to get food.

"But not Indian," I said. "I had that yesterday."

"So did I!" he said. "And I left the containers all out in my living room."

"That's not like you," I smiled. "You're always so neat!"

"Well, not to bring up a sore subject, but LA-Girl left the stuff out. She stayed at my place all day on Sunday until I had to leave for M's birthday dinner. So, we had lunch."

I felt like I was going to puke.

For the rest of the afternoon, I thought I might have a panic attack. I didn't let on though. We talked about masochistic love. I was really nice to him and tried to make things as normal as possible. He knew I was sad though. He could see the sadness.

He took a shower and wanted me to come in with him. I didn't want to. I gave him a blow job before he went in, and then while he was in there, I took a razor and cut my ankle. It helped. I felt a little better.

"It's nothing, Hyde," he said again when he came out of the shower.

I didn't have time to bandage myself up, and I didn't want him to see what I had done. I was worried that the cuff of my jeans were going to get stained on the inside.

"It's not nothing to me," I answered.

"I don't know what you want to do, then," he said.

"I have to talk to my therapist. Maybe when you're done playing with her, we can resume as usual."

"I'm not playing with her," he said.

"Narc, I know you like her. You have other female friends that I don't care about. I'm not a crazy jealous person. But I know you're into her. You had a date."

"It wasn't a date."

"What do you call it when you take a girl to a wine tasting, bring her back to your place, get drunk and then go to sleep with her in your arms?"

"It wasn't like that. She just passed out," he said.

"But you slept with your arms around her."

"It's just nice to feel another person once in a while," he said. "It's a guy thing."

"I don't want to sleep in your bed when another girl has slept there the night before. And I don't want to sleep in your arms when another girl has slept there the night before."

"Again, Hyde-- this is your little drama. It's not a big deal."

Anyway, it went on like that until he had to leave for his class.

After he left, I spoke to a few of my girlfriends from AA. Then I had to leave to meet Jake for dinner. TT had sent me a text, though: At Cheers. Please stop by.

So, on my way to meet Jake, I stopped in at Cheers. TT gave me a big hug hello and bought me a soda. As I could only stay for a few minutes, I promised to come back on my way home.

Jake and I met at an awesome little place in Little Korea-- Bon Chon Chicken. It was atmospheric. We ate chicken and caught up on life. Afterwards, we had Pinkberry and walked back to my neighborhood. I asked Jake if he wanted to come with me to Cheers. I thought I could use some cheering up by getting attention from TT.

TT seemed glad to see me and gave me another hug hello. I introduced him to Jake and then made my way over to the bar to get us drinks. I got held up saying hello to the old cast of characters-- PumpedUp, ThursdayGirl, BarMan, one of the Columbians, etc. By the time I went to look for TT again, I found him drunk-dancing with some girl. He was all over her, kissing her neck and dipping her in his dance. I have to say-- I was a little bewildered. Jake was laughing at me, as the situation was so utterly ridiculous. He said we should get up and dance too.

"What! No-- no use in making drama. But I don't get what this is about."

Anyway, at some point, the drunk girl he was dancing with disappeared and I approached TT to say hi.

"It looks like you've got a tall, handsome fella," he said. "Why don't you go work that thing."

Now it was starting to make sense.

"I'm not with Jake!" I laughed. "We've been friends for 10 years-- since college. He lives with his girlfriend!"

"Maybe it's just his height," said TT. "I'm not used to guys being as tall as I am. I guess it's intimidating." (They are both about 6'4")

This was so strange though. I talked to TT for a moment or two longer, but there was nothing to say given this weird dynamic.

"I think it's going to be one of those mornings tomorrow with a bad judgement call," he said.

I wasn't sure if he meant that he had made a bad judgement call, that the drunk girl he had been dancing with had made a bad judgement call. It wasn't at all clear. He was a little incoherent.

Anyway, in the midst of all that, Narc texted me to see what I was up to. I don't know why, but I wrote him back (something about the John Adams show on HBO first).

Missing you tonight, I said.

As for tonight, welcome to come down if you like, will be up for a bit, he answered.

I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I felt. I told him I would call him when I left Cheers.

At midnight, Jake and I headed home. I stopped in to say hi to NDN and his friend before going back to my place. Then I texted Narc:

Yeah, I think I'll come. Don't want to be by myself right now. Leaving in 5...

I almost couldn't breathe as I was approaching his building.

You can do this. You can do this, Hyde, I kept telling myself. I didn't want to be there since that girl had just been there. I felt sick about it. But there had to be a first time, right? Just get in there and erase her energy, I repeated.

Narc and I watched some TV. That movie "Dead Again" was on. At around 2:30 AM, I told him I had to get to bed. I had to teach the next day.

We got in bed. This time I slept naked. It was strange. We had sex. It felt good, but in a masochistic way. This morning I got up and got dressed and things felt almost normal. They are normal, I guess. How is this any different from what's been going on the entire time?

He hugged me goodbye when I left. I was wearing my winter coat and he was naked. I liked that I had a barrier on. He seemed more vulnerable that way.

Anyway, since then, I've been here at school doing midterm reviews. And I'm enjoying the fact that my ankle is all scratched up. I like looking at it. I like feeling the sting. But I hate that I indulged that part of myself. It's a bad habit that I thought I had put to bed a long time ago.

Bottom line-- I can't wait for therapy tomorrow. I really, really need help right now. But overall, I'm okay, I guess. One of my friends in AA suggested I do another fourth step but just on my relationship with Narc. I think I will. Obviously it needs a thorough house-cleaning. Oh, and in other news, the Alaskan just gave Hammer an engagement ring. I've only seen it via cell-phone photo, but it looks beautiful. It's diamond with a cabochon ruby.

Um... so that's it.

More later when there's more to tell.

love,
h