Despite the "drama" of the past few days, I'm relatively okay and even relatively happy. I've just been trying to keep busy.
Last night NDN had a dinner party. It was fun. I've become friendly with many of NDN's crew from his various events, but I hadn't seen most of them in quite some time. I invited StarGazer to the party and mostly just "held court," telling everyone about the latest Narc news. NDN had a cake there from the Buttercup Bake Shop. It was yumm....
I came back upstairs to my place at around 1:00 and puttered around my house unable to sleep until after 3:00 AM.
This morning I woke up at 9:30 AM so that I'd have time to have brunch with Hammer and the Alaskan before they left for Philly. The Alaskan is heading back to Portland next week and Hammer's family will be here visiting before she takes off for Paris in another week or two. We ate at Manatus-- a diner in the village where I'd eaten with Brick several times and even had a brunch there with Hammer the Alaskan and Narc. After brunch I walked them home and then headed back to my place.
I decided to paint my nails black. That's when the phone rang. I was shocked to see whose name came up on my screen... it was Brick!
"Hello?" I answered dubiously.
Brick greeted me with his usual nickname for me. I told him that I thought he wasn't talking to me and that I was really confused by his most recent disappearance and the fact that he ignored me at that meeting two weeks ago. He assured me that it was just his typical flakiness and that he wasn't mad at me or not wanting to be my friend. Then he dropped his big news-- he's moving to LA in August. We made a plan to get dinner on Thursday night.
"But what are you doing right now?" he asked.
"Nothing. Waiting for my nail polish to dry. How about you?"
"Going to get shoes."
He told me that his grandmother had passed away and that he was leaving for Michigan the next day.
"Do you want to meet me?" he asked.
"Where are you?"
"Soho."
"K. I can come down."
We hung up the phone. One second later the phone rang again. It was Brick.
"What's up?"
"You'll never guess what just happened!!"
"What???"
"I passed Narc on the street."
"What?!?!?" I was caught off guard.
"Where were you?"
"Bleeker and Sixth."
"I was just over there this morning!" I exclaimed. "Was he alone."
"Yeah. And he looked really disheveled. I know you like that look, but it was disheveled-not-good."
"Woah."
There was some weird convergence of forces happening. Brick and Narc always seem to disappear and reappear in my life at the same time. And now there seemed to be some strange metaphysical vortex at Bleeker and Sixth.
In any case, I hopped in a cab and headed to Soho.
I met Brick at the Prada store where he was getting shoes. We decided to get lunch together and walked over to Cowgirl. He looked different-- his hair was short and he was wearing a wife beater and baggy shorts. He lost a lot of weight and built up a lot of muscles in his chest and arms and he was really tanned. Despite all the time that has passed and despite all the ways in which I've felt terrible about our friendship, it was as if no time had passed at all. I think that Brick and I will always just share a certain bond... I can't explain to anyone what it's like to "count days" with someone, but Brick is it for me...
After lunch I decided to walk him back to his apartment in Chelsea. We caught each other up on our lives. Then I hung out with him in his apartment while he packed for Michigan. His mom wants him to sing the Ave Maria and the "Irish Blessing" at the funeral, so he tried them out on me. Then I walked him over to Penn Station. I wanted to meet his new boyfriend who was meeting him there, but everyone was in a rush with the trains, so it never happened.
Anyway, we said our goodbyes (until Thursday) and I headed back home.
Tonight I'm going to hear a punk band play in the East Village-- a group called "the Dead Betties." My friend A is a music publicist and he has something to do with that band. Pixie and I are meeting him downtown at around 11:00 PM.
So... that's it for now. I kept myself really busy today and relatively sane given yesterday's exchange with Narc.
I have on uber-dramatisch eyemakeup right now. I need to go eat some Chinese food and find something black to wear.
Until later...
-h-
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
And things go from bad to worse...
Hyde: Wanna come over late? After the dinner party?
Narc: May be seeing late movie, we'll see.
Hyde: I expect to be done midnight-ish. Just give me a heads up either way. But I want to see you.
Narc: PopStar back at my place tonight, as she has nowhere else to go, so may end up having "the talk" etc quite late. Will late you know.
Hyde: Ok. Whatever...
Narc: Well we have to work out the separation, which we haven't done yet. And it's not fair to her if she sees me sleeping elsewhere so soon after the breakup. Remember patience grasshopper...
Hyde: Thought you said it was "up to me" tonight. She's not my problem. I'm not gonna take backseat to her feelings. But I get the point. I won't offer myself again.
Narc: That was when I thought she was staying elsewhere tonight and not on my couch. Besides, the sooner we talk, the sooner it's over. Better this way, believe me.
I didn't write back.
But I am boiling. And hurting. Typical. And I'm still crazy.
Off to NDN's now. He's throwing a dinner party tonight.
love,
h
Narc: May be seeing late movie, we'll see.
Hyde: I expect to be done midnight-ish. Just give me a heads up either way. But I want to see you.
Narc: PopStar back at my place tonight, as she has nowhere else to go, so may end up having "the talk" etc quite late. Will late you know.
Hyde: Ok. Whatever...
Narc: Well we have to work out the separation, which we haven't done yet. And it's not fair to her if she sees me sleeping elsewhere so soon after the breakup. Remember patience grasshopper...
Hyde: Thought you said it was "up to me" tonight. She's not my problem. I'm not gonna take backseat to her feelings. But I get the point. I won't offer myself again.
Narc: That was when I thought she was staying elsewhere tonight and not on my couch. Besides, the sooner we talk, the sooner it's over. Better this way, believe me.
I didn't write back.
But I am boiling. And hurting. Typical. And I'm still crazy.
Off to NDN's now. He's throwing a dinner party tonight.
love,
h
Update
For better or for worse, we just "video chatted." He walked in front of his computer so his dick was in my face. I was embarrassed. We talked about nothing... movies... his movie... his friend James... how it ended with PopStar. Then he asked if I wanted him to come to my place. Somehow we got on the subject of porn... somehow we got on the subject of masturbation.
"I don't think this is good for me," I said. "I think I should go."
"I'll leave it up to you," he said. "Call me if you want to be with me tonight."
"It's up to me?" I asked, increduously.
"Yes, Hyde. It's up to you."
We logged off from our chat. One minute later the phone rang.
"So-- are you going to masturbate with me now, or what?" he asked.
I did...
I love cat and mouse with him. I don't want to analyze. I want to take a shower and not hate myself.
love,
h
"I don't think this is good for me," I said. "I think I should go."
"I'll leave it up to you," he said. "Call me if you want to be with me tonight."
"It's up to me?" I asked, increduously.
"Yes, Hyde. It's up to you."
We logged off from our chat. One minute later the phone rang.
"So-- are you going to masturbate with me now, or what?" he asked.
I did...
I love cat and mouse with him. I don't want to analyze. I want to take a shower and not hate myself.
love,
h
I Need Help
I love you guys. And I wish you were all here in my living room with me right now because I sure as hell could use the support. My reprieve from Narc was short lived. He texted me about an hour ago:
Still feeling miserable... Have to get out of the house though. Feel like some company?
I wrote back (God knows why) that I was heading into therapy. I was...
And then he replied...
Might meet a friend at the UN later, hence my call (near you). Good luck with session. Perhaps a coffee, etc. when out?
I didn't answer.
I want someone to save me from this. I want someone to do this all for me. But there is no one who can fix this situation for me except for me. I don't feel strong enough. I do and then I don't. I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish I weren't like this.
I am going to go pray now... pray for strength.
love,
h
Still feeling miserable... Have to get out of the house though. Feel like some company?
I wrote back (God knows why) that I was heading into therapy. I was...
And then he replied...
Might meet a friend at the UN later, hence my call (near you). Good luck with session. Perhaps a coffee, etc. when out?
I didn't answer.
I want someone to save me from this. I want someone to do this all for me. But there is no one who can fix this situation for me except for me. I don't feel strong enough. I do and then I don't. I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish I weren't like this.
I am going to go pray now... pray for strength.
love,
h
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Fin-de-Narc
I finally have some relief. That's not to say that I'm not sad, wistful, uncomfortable... but I'm relieved. For the first time ever, I feel okay with the fact that it is over. And so, perhaps, the obsession will lift and this time the ending will stick.
In any case, after that conversation on Wednesday night, I was left in knots, half hopeful and half despairing. My Id and my Super-Ego were in a perfect act of tug-of-war, leaving me paralyzed to act. In short, my "Ego" was going haywire.
I had a not-so-nice conversation with my sponsor about all of it on Thursday and then I left for Vermont on Friday. An update about the trip will follow. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc though... not for one second. Narc, Narc, Narc... and how I love him. But I was determined not to call him.
So, I was not in great shape.
On Sunday, he texted me at around 1:30 PM:
Just waking up. You?
And then:
Brunch?
As I was in VT, there was nothing to do except to tell him that I would call him when I got back.
Which I did.
He didn't answer the phone when I called. I felt anxious and unsure.
Hey Narc, it's me, I said. Just calling because I said I would. I'm back from Vermont and it's kind of late, so I guess I'm just going to get some dinner and take a shower and stuff. Call me back if you want.
He didn't call back, but he texted back an hour or so later:
Hey you, got your message, love to hang out. But given the mood I'm in, don't really trust myself around you just yet. Enjoy din. Will call in a bit.
I wrote back:
Ha ha... You are cute. Ok. Probably a good thing, given my mood too. Have a good night then and call whenever... I am teaching T, W, Th these days...
He didn't call. And I felt stupid for what I wrote. But it was done, so, that was that...
Not so, however, for my obsessive mind.
I continued to think about him all day on Monday until the point I thought I would explode. The ambiguity of it all, the unease of "Hyde and Narc," the roller coaster... I can't do it again. I can't, I can't, I can't! Regardless of what he wanted from me, I needed to get answers. Too much is dependent on my peace of mind. I have so much in my life right now, I can't afford to fall into the black hole of Narc obsession. So, I called him again.
Hey, it's me, I said. I just really wanted to talk to you about some things... I don't know... I don't want to leave this sort of message on your machine, but we need to talk. Call me back tonight if you can. I'm going to bed at around midnight. Otherwise, let's talk later in the week.
He didn't call me back. He didn't call me the next day either. And the knots in my stomach continued to twist themselves tighter, yanking me along with them.
Tuesday was an exhausting day for me. I didn't do much, but I felt on the verge of collapse. Narc inspires a nervous condition in me-- a sort of hysteria that it takes every ounce of myself to control. I don't have the energy to spare anymore. I wasn't up for the ride.
That night, laying in bed, I decided I had to do something.
You can't expect anything from him, Hyde! I told myself. Whatever you do has to be honest and has to be for your own peace of mind and you CAN NOT do something expecting a certain response from him.
I wasn't sure what to do, though. So, I fired off an email on impulse and felt both sick and good about it after. Here's what I said (in an only slightly edited format. I took out one part that was too personal)...
**************
Subject: All Things Considered
Message:
Hey,
I left you a message last night. I'm not sure whether or not you got it, but I decided to not wait for you to call me back. There are just a few things I needed to say without delay.
You disappeared for a long time. I had pretty much taken it as a sign that you didn't want to be in my life in any way at all. As much as it hurt, I was coming to terms with that and moving in other directions. I had accepted it. But now, I am a little confused by your messages to me this week. I'm not quite sure what's going on...
Do you want to be friends with me? Do you want to sleep with me? Do you want to stay in contact (in a weird ambiguous way) just in case at some point in the future you may want to be friends with and/or sleep with me? Are we even friends?
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but since you called me last Wednesday, I have been really thrown. It has messed with my equilibrium and I want to settle my mind somewhere. (As you know, "my equilibrium" is not an easy thing to come by!) It would give me some peace to know your intentions. (that, is, if you even know your own intentions...)
I'm not going to lie-- I had written you off, but you have reentered my thoughts. Hearing your voice... I don't know... I have been thinking about you a lot this week... I'm trying not to think about all that. It's just very hard for me not to know what to expect from you. I need to figure out what I want for my own life right now. And I guess what I'm asking is for you to be as open with me as you can.
If you don't want to answer this email and if you don't want to talk, I'll take that for what it is... I just feel better having said what I needed to say. I don't want anything from you, Narc, except to know what's going on... I can't wait for the phone to ring.
lots of love,
hyde
**************
And then I waited. I waited for a response. And when none came, I went to sleep. I am shocked at how well I slept last night. Just writing the email did give me peace of mind. I felt grateful. I felt a little liberated.
It doesn't matter whether or not he answers you, I thought. You told him the truth. No more games. And the truth is okay.
But perhaps truth brings truth... Because when I woke up, I did have an answer. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about his letter, except that I am very grateful for it.
**************
Hyde-- apologies for my lack of communication over the past few days, but I literally lost my voice a couple of days ago (who knows--one cigarette too many on a late evening out with the guys, I guess...) and am just now getting it back. Of course I could have written, yes, but honestly I'm dealing with the most terrible depression I've had in a long time (you know, the kind in which it's all you can manage to even get yourself up and out of bed in the morning), and yes, I did, at one point, think that I might finally need someone to talk to, and there really wasn't anyone else out there, and I thought, well, you know, it's been a while since I spoke with Hyde, maybe she might like to hang out and lend an ear, but then... After we spoke, I don't know--I'd assumed you'd (as your put it) "written me off" (as you should have long ago, in that one particular sense), but then, when you went into this thing about thinking how awkward it might be, for us to hang out (with certain kinds of thoughts possibly resurfacing)... I think it was right around that point that I realized it's probably always going to be this way, between us, and hence, I don't really know, then, how we can hope to maintain even a casual friendship as a result.
I mean, I don't know--I don't want it to sound as dire as all that... Of course I do still want to chat and/or hang out at some point in the future, and surely we'll do that, but if we're in even the slightest danger of falling back into bad old patterns from way back when, then perhaps it'd best for both of us if we beg off contact for a little while. PopStar is indeed still here in the apartment, we're working out a staged separation (as she has absolutely nowhere to go, and as I go can't exactly put her out on the street with her belongings)--and as you can imagine, it isn't exactly paradise, this thing of continuing to live with someone when it's already been decided it's over and all you have left to do is nail down the timeline and logistics for the Big Move Out (surely there's an Iraq War metaphor in there somewhere); but even so, I imagine it would, for you and I both, come off as a trifle odd for me to spend several hours unloading onto you about what a terrible mistake the whole Move In was in the first place (and then, worse, as I mentioned before, possibly fall back into bad old habits immediately after).
So yes, I'm glad we spoke for just a little while there the other day, and I'm sure we'll speak as friends at some point in the future, but in the meantime, probably best for both of us if I work all this out on my own, as this Book of Feelings really doesn't need to be re-opened...
'Til next time hon, take care, be well
--Narc
**************
I loved him for that letter. For respecting my boundaries, for telling me the truth about where he is, for shutting off the "game" of how we can best "use" each other and for slicing through the layers of his self-inflation. I loved him for his honesty. So, I wrote back:
**************
Ok. Thank you so much for letting me know. I really appreciate it. I want so much for you to be happy and I'm sorry for how you are feeling. B stayed living with me for a month and a half after we broke up for the same reason-- he had nowhere to go. So, I kind of know how that feels and it's awful. But please, take care of yourself. If you don't do it, no one else will.
I am so grateful for your honesty right now. I am going to continue on in the direction I was headed and perhaps your depression will lift... and then, who knows-- maybe in a few months a "friendship" thing might be a little more feasible. In any case, I don't want to lose touch altogether, as you will always hold a place in my heart.
I know that my saying "feel better" has absolutely no impact on your depression, so I won't say it... but I'll try to send you some positive energy. Good luck with everything.
And thanks again for answering my questions and for your honesty.
lots of love,
Hyde
**************
And I feel at peace with that. I really do. Pain... but peace.
It's time to end the wreckage and pick up the pieces. I can still love him, but I don't have to see him right now. I think I'm finally ready to really move on.
Love,
h
PS: I'm feeling really fragile right now, so while I always appreciate honest comments, please don't say anything mean about him... I'm doing my best. -h-
In any case, after that conversation on Wednesday night, I was left in knots, half hopeful and half despairing. My Id and my Super-Ego were in a perfect act of tug-of-war, leaving me paralyzed to act. In short, my "Ego" was going haywire.
I had a not-so-nice conversation with my sponsor about all of it on Thursday and then I left for Vermont on Friday. An update about the trip will follow. I couldn't stop thinking about Narc though... not for one second. Narc, Narc, Narc... and how I love him. But I was determined not to call him.
So, I was not in great shape.
On Sunday, he texted me at around 1:30 PM:
Just waking up. You?
And then:
Brunch?
As I was in VT, there was nothing to do except to tell him that I would call him when I got back.
Which I did.
He didn't answer the phone when I called. I felt anxious and unsure.
Hey Narc, it's me, I said. Just calling because I said I would. I'm back from Vermont and it's kind of late, so I guess I'm just going to get some dinner and take a shower and stuff. Call me back if you want.
He didn't call back, but he texted back an hour or so later:
Hey you, got your message, love to hang out. But given the mood I'm in, don't really trust myself around you just yet. Enjoy din. Will call in a bit.
I wrote back:
Ha ha... You are cute. Ok. Probably a good thing, given my mood too. Have a good night then and call whenever... I am teaching T, W, Th these days...
He didn't call. And I felt stupid for what I wrote. But it was done, so, that was that...
Not so, however, for my obsessive mind.
I continued to think about him all day on Monday until the point I thought I would explode. The ambiguity of it all, the unease of "Hyde and Narc," the roller coaster... I can't do it again. I can't, I can't, I can't! Regardless of what he wanted from me, I needed to get answers. Too much is dependent on my peace of mind. I have so much in my life right now, I can't afford to fall into the black hole of Narc obsession. So, I called him again.
Hey, it's me, I said. I just really wanted to talk to you about some things... I don't know... I don't want to leave this sort of message on your machine, but we need to talk. Call me back tonight if you can. I'm going to bed at around midnight. Otherwise, let's talk later in the week.
He didn't call me back. He didn't call me the next day either. And the knots in my stomach continued to twist themselves tighter, yanking me along with them.
Tuesday was an exhausting day for me. I didn't do much, but I felt on the verge of collapse. Narc inspires a nervous condition in me-- a sort of hysteria that it takes every ounce of myself to control. I don't have the energy to spare anymore. I wasn't up for the ride.
That night, laying in bed, I decided I had to do something.
You can't expect anything from him, Hyde! I told myself. Whatever you do has to be honest and has to be for your own peace of mind and you CAN NOT do something expecting a certain response from him.
I wasn't sure what to do, though. So, I fired off an email on impulse and felt both sick and good about it after. Here's what I said (in an only slightly edited format. I took out one part that was too personal)...
**************
Subject: All Things Considered
Message:
Hey,
I left you a message last night. I'm not sure whether or not you got it, but I decided to not wait for you to call me back. There are just a few things I needed to say without delay.
You disappeared for a long time. I had pretty much taken it as a sign that you didn't want to be in my life in any way at all. As much as it hurt, I was coming to terms with that and moving in other directions. I had accepted it. But now, I am a little confused by your messages to me this week. I'm not quite sure what's going on...
Do you want to be friends with me? Do you want to sleep with me? Do you want to stay in contact (in a weird ambiguous way) just in case at some point in the future you may want to be friends with and/or sleep with me? Are we even friends?
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but since you called me last Wednesday, I have been really thrown. It has messed with my equilibrium and I want to settle my mind somewhere. (As you know, "my equilibrium" is not an easy thing to come by!) It would give me some peace to know your intentions. (that, is, if you even know your own intentions...)
I'm not going to lie-- I had written you off, but you have reentered my thoughts. Hearing your voice... I don't know... I have been thinking about you a lot this week... I'm trying not to think about all that. It's just very hard for me not to know what to expect from you. I need to figure out what I want for my own life right now. And I guess what I'm asking is for you to be as open with me as you can.
If you don't want to answer this email and if you don't want to talk, I'll take that for what it is... I just feel better having said what I needed to say. I don't want anything from you, Narc, except to know what's going on... I can't wait for the phone to ring.
lots of love,
hyde
**************
And then I waited. I waited for a response. And when none came, I went to sleep. I am shocked at how well I slept last night. Just writing the email did give me peace of mind. I felt grateful. I felt a little liberated.
It doesn't matter whether or not he answers you, I thought. You told him the truth. No more games. And the truth is okay.
But perhaps truth brings truth... Because when I woke up, I did have an answer. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about his letter, except that I am very grateful for it.
**************
Hyde-- apologies for my lack of communication over the past few days, but I literally lost my voice a couple of days ago (who knows--one cigarette too many on a late evening out with the guys, I guess...) and am just now getting it back. Of course I could have written, yes, but honestly I'm dealing with the most terrible depression I've had in a long time (you know, the kind in which it's all you can manage to even get yourself up and out of bed in the morning), and yes, I did, at one point, think that I might finally need someone to talk to, and there really wasn't anyone else out there, and I thought, well, you know, it's been a while since I spoke with Hyde, maybe she might like to hang out and lend an ear, but then... After we spoke, I don't know--I'd assumed you'd (as your put it) "written me off" (as you should have long ago, in that one particular sense), but then, when you went into this thing about thinking how awkward it might be, for us to hang out (with certain kinds of thoughts possibly resurfacing)... I think it was right around that point that I realized it's probably always going to be this way, between us, and hence, I don't really know, then, how we can hope to maintain even a casual friendship as a result.
I mean, I don't know--I don't want it to sound as dire as all that... Of course I do still want to chat and/or hang out at some point in the future, and surely we'll do that, but if we're in even the slightest danger of falling back into bad old patterns from way back when, then perhaps it'd best for both of us if we beg off contact for a little while. PopStar is indeed still here in the apartment, we're working out a staged separation (as she has absolutely nowhere to go, and as I go can't exactly put her out on the street with her belongings)--and as you can imagine, it isn't exactly paradise, this thing of continuing to live with someone when it's already been decided it's over and all you have left to do is nail down the timeline and logistics for the Big Move Out (surely there's an Iraq War metaphor in there somewhere); but even so, I imagine it would, for you and I both, come off as a trifle odd for me to spend several hours unloading onto you about what a terrible mistake the whole Move In was in the first place (and then, worse, as I mentioned before, possibly fall back into bad old habits immediately after).
So yes, I'm glad we spoke for just a little while there the other day, and I'm sure we'll speak as friends at some point in the future, but in the meantime, probably best for both of us if I work all this out on my own, as this Book of Feelings really doesn't need to be re-opened...
'Til next time hon, take care, be well
--Narc
**************
I loved him for that letter. For respecting my boundaries, for telling me the truth about where he is, for shutting off the "game" of how we can best "use" each other and for slicing through the layers of his self-inflation. I loved him for his honesty. So, I wrote back:
**************
Ok. Thank you so much for letting me know. I really appreciate it. I want so much for you to be happy and I'm sorry for how you are feeling. B stayed living with me for a month and a half after we broke up for the same reason-- he had nowhere to go. So, I kind of know how that feels and it's awful. But please, take care of yourself. If you don't do it, no one else will.
I am so grateful for your honesty right now. I am going to continue on in the direction I was headed and perhaps your depression will lift... and then, who knows-- maybe in a few months a "friendship" thing might be a little more feasible. In any case, I don't want to lose touch altogether, as you will always hold a place in my heart.
I know that my saying "feel better" has absolutely no impact on your depression, so I won't say it... but I'll try to send you some positive energy. Good luck with everything.
And thanks again for answering my questions and for your honesty.
lots of love,
Hyde
**************
And I feel at peace with that. I really do. Pain... but peace.
It's time to end the wreckage and pick up the pieces. I can still love him, but I don't have to see him right now. I think I'm finally ready to really move on.
Love,
h
PS: I'm feeling really fragile right now, so while I always appreciate honest comments, please don't say anything mean about him... I'm doing my best. -h-
Resolution
The waiting paid off. Things are resolved with Narc. At least in a way that I can go forward.
Update to follow...
love,
h
Update to follow...
love,
h
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Waiting
I am waiting for something to happen right now. I am waiting, but I should go to sleep instead. I still haven't finished grading those papers? Can that be true? Yes, it is true. And I have to wake up at 6:00 AM tomorrow if I really want to finish.
There is too much to do... Too many people to think about. Sleep to be had.
All I want to do is wait.
and wait.
There is too much to do... Too many people to think about. Sleep to be had.
All I want to do is wait.
and wait.
To My Readers...
I just got back from a long weekend in Vermont, so I haven't been around in blogland for a few days. To make matters worse, my Internet connection is down, so I had to wait until I came in to teach this morning in order to get online.
I have a lot to write about, and hope that the cable guy can fix my connection this afternoon. He's supposed to come by at around Noon.
It is still such a relief for me to have this blog. I really need it. It's the only place I can process all of the stuff about Narc and have an instant audience of people who understand. It's hard to communicate my feelings on the subject to some of my new friends. So, I'm grateful for all of you!
I'll be back with more on Vermont and everything else either tonight or tomorrow.
Hope you all had a great weekend!
Lots of love,
h
I have a lot to write about, and hope that the cable guy can fix my connection this afternoon. He's supposed to come by at around Noon.
It is still such a relief for me to have this blog. I really need it. It's the only place I can process all of the stuff about Narc and have an instant audience of people who understand. It's hard to communicate my feelings on the subject to some of my new friends. So, I'm grateful for all of you!
I'll be back with more on Vermont and everything else either tonight or tomorrow.
Hope you all had a great weekend!
Lots of love,
h
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I am SO Fucking Confused!
It's never ending-- that turning of the wheels in my head, that is...
All week long I've been feeling edgy, slightly rebellious, slightly resentful. I understand giving up drinking. I remember very clearly what it did to my life. But giving up drama? Giving up self-indulgent moodiness? Giving up self-centerdness? Is that really the only way to stay sober? I'd like to think not...
I felt Narc slipping away this week... like a shadow. I was starting to feel a new self, really and truly. And with that new self was a waterfall of fear, drowning me, pounding my shoulders and blurring my vision. There is not much to do about the fear, though. After all, fearful or fearless, the future is coming.
So, I've decided to try to keep myself a little bit busier and a little bit calmer all at the same time. Yesterday was certainly a busy day. I taught in the morning (my favorite-- the Fin-de-Siecle "Crisis of Modernity"!) and then I came home, ate a few frozen strawberries, watched part of One Life to Live and turned around to meet Hammer down in the Village for lunch. We ate at Isle on Bleeker. I really miss talking to Hammer even when I don't talk to her for a few days... I'm just on a comfortable wavelength with her and there's nothing required of me. It's nice.
In any case, after lunch, I went back to her apartment where we bummed around for a while and then I headed into Midtown to meet Cherubino. Cherubino and I are now studying from the same voice teacher and she invited me to hear her lesson. It was great. She is a (coloratura?) mezzo and was tearing through some Purcell and Rossinni runs with magnificent gusto. We had a quick bite at the diner afterwards and then I headed back to my place to do a quick turnaround before meeting Dan at the movies.
Dan and I went to see Knocked Up. It was funny... I'm sure it was funny. But I probably shouldn't have seen it. It was sort of like one big mind-fuck, given my issues on that topic. It made me want to cry.
When we got out of the film, I needed to take a breather and splash some water on my face and recenter myself, so I headed into the ladies room. Coming out, I turned my phone one. I had one new message. It was Narc and he sounded strangely out of breath.
Uh, hey Hyde. It's Narc. It's about 8:30 on Wednesday. I'm trying your cell phone and, um... I guess I'll try your landline. Alright. Bye.
I can't tell you how weird it was to hear his voice-- to hear him same my name. I haven't heard his voice in FOUR MONTHS! I immediately felt weak in my knees. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I could hear myself gulping for air, but didn't feel any coming in. I came out of the bathroom. Dan was waiting for me right down the corridor. I signaled to him that I would be another minute, leaned against a wall and called Narc back.
"Hydeeen," he answered, with a drawn out rumble. His voice was rumbling.
"Narc," I said.
"It's so weird to hear your ring-tone again."
"Um... yeah. It's been a while," I said.
"So... I was out with friends, but I just had to come back. They're all out. All of them!"
He was definitely drunk.
"Listen, Narc... I'm actually out with a friend right now too. I just wanted to call back. Um..." I could barely speak. "Can I call you back later?"
"When?"
"Later."
"When?"
"In an hour."
"Yeah. Alright. Call me back."
I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was barely standing. I don't know what I would have done had Dan not been there. I explained to him what happened and told him that I felt faint.
"We need to find you a place where you can sit," he said. He gave me a huge hug. I was shaking.
Dan and I walked across the street to Starbucks. I felt dizzy, probably because of the desperate gulping for air.
You can feel your feelings. You don't need to drink. You CAN feel your feelings, I kept telling myself.
Dan and I sat down to talk it through. He calmed me down a lot. I was so grateful for him. In the midst of all that, Narc sent me a text:
Company tonight? Just friendly. Just thinking it would be nice.
I didn't know what to say. A thousand possible responses were racing through my mind. The good thing? They were all "no" answers, but I didn't know how to say no or even if I should answer at all. But I guess he didn't want to wait for a response, because he called a moment later. I took the call, figuring it was better to deal with it in Dan's company.
It was an awkward phone call and I don't think I can reproduce it here. Narc said he missed me and he wanted to hang out.
"What about your girlfriend?" I asked.
"That? That's over!" he said. "Over. Didn't I tell you that in the message?"
"No. Over as of when?"
"Oh, two to three weeks ago." His words were still slurring together. "She used me and abused me and then tossed me to the curb," he laughed. "My friends were right. They were all right. I don't know... Maybe everyone just has to date a pretty Russian chick once. It's a right of passage or something. Relationship puberty."
"Are you okay?" I ventured.
"Yeah... depressed, but I'm okay. Would be better if you were here."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Narc," I said. "But I don't think it's a good idea about tonight."
"Why not? What's the big deal?"
"You know my feelings for you," I said. "I just can't. Besides, I have to teach in the morning, and I'm with a friend right now. I'm being rude. I really have to get off the phone."
"Fine. FINE! Go be with your friend. I'll be fine," he said.
But now I felt guilty.
"I'll call you later."
"See you later?"
"I can't see you later, but I'll call you later."
When I got off the phone, Dan and I sat there on 2nd Avenue for another twenty minutes. I left a message for my sponsor. Narc texted me again:
Watching "Lost boys," watching Kiefer post 24... too funny.
It was as if nothing had happened between February and now.
I was on the verge of tears, but at the same time felt stronger than ever before. He reminded me to stay in the moment, to not think my way into making problems bigger than they are, and that I am okay. Finally, I had it in me to walk back to my place.
Dan suggested that I turn my phone off for the night, but I was reluctant. I had told Narc I would call him back and as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to. In any event, just as I was about to turn off my phone, it buzzed. It was BigSis. I had to take the call. I said goodnight to Dan with another hug and turned to head into the building.
Back at my place, I talked to BigSis on the phone for a while. After we hung up, waves of anxiety still welling in my chest, I closed my eyes and called him back.
"Hydeeeen...." he said, with that same drawn out rumble.
I wanted to melt. I hate that I wanted to melt, but I did.
This conversation was considerably longer... He asked if he could come over to my place. I said "no."
"It's not to be sexual," he said. "I just want to see you... I just need to be with someone right now."
"It's not good for me," I told him. "I still have feelings for you and I need to sort all of that out!"
"I thought you'd have that all sorted out by now!" he laughed. There was something cruel in his laugh. "I thought I'd find you the 'new and improved' Super-Hyde-- all trim and tough and 'Full Metal Jacket,'" he said.
"How do you know I'm not?" I laughed, despite the fact that two minutes in he was already hurting my feelings.
"You're not," he said, the words tripping together.
"You found me more honest," I told him. "And I'm not ready to see you. I need to process. I told you-- my heart is fixed where it is, but I'm done letting it lead me around by the nose."
"I gave up the booze, Hyde!" he said, suddenly changing the subject. "I gave up the booze, but now I'm back on. Now I'm drinking a nice--cold--glass of vodka and it's d-e-licious."
He clinked the ice cubes up against the side of the glass so that I could hear it through the phone. More cruelty.
"You gave up booze?" I asked, incredulously. "Since when?" "Since this morning. But now I'm back on. And it's great!"
He slurped his drink loudly enough that I could hear.
"Well, I hope you're enjoying the vodka," I laughed, a choke in my throat. "You'll have to enjoy it enough for both of us, because I'm still sober."
"Your not missing much," he said, seemingly shifting moods again. "It's not worth it. It's good in the moment. I mean-- don't get me wrong-- it's great in the moment. But then you're just more depressed than ever when it's gone."
"Yeah, I remember that part."
"How's your health?" I asked.
"My health?"
"Your health."
"I don't know Hyde," he slurred and laughed. "It sucks as much as anyone living in New York."
I'm not sure I understood that answer, but I laughed anyway.
"But your blood tests are all coming back okay? And you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah, yeah... I'm okay."
"Good."
"Hydeeen... Hydeeeen!" he said, repeating my name over and over.
"Narc, Narc, Narc," I nervously replied.
I told him that I had to get going because I had to wake up at 7:00 AM the next morning.
"You're teaching this summer? What's the point of being a professor? I thought you were supposed to get off!"
"Well, I needed the extra cash, I guess."
"I should get my hands on those malleable young minds," he said. "I'd make them all read The Man Without Qualities. I should mold their minds."
"Narc, it would scare the shit out of me to see you molding anyone's mind," I laughed. And this time, I really laughed.
"I'd tell them it's all bullshit. All that crap they learn. Bullshit!"
Hmmm... So, to summarize the number of ways in which I had been insulted up to that point-- He said he only wanted to be with someone (anyone?) because he was depressed.
-He said I wasn't mentally or physically fit (with his "Full Metal Jacket" comment)
-He taunted me with his vodka
-He said the only point to my job is free time int he summer and that teaching is bullshit.
Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. He said that he's been playing "Resident Evil IV" which just came out for Wii.
What was I thinking that his life had changed? Drunk, depressed and alone on a Wednesday night playing Resident Evil.
"That's the game were you were scared of the chainsaw guys," he explained.
"Yeah, I remember."
He mentioned that he saw me online once-- he saw my little "photobooth photo" I use for my IM icon.
"I never see you on there," I said.
And that was basically that.
After we hung up, it was nearly 1:00 AM. I wanted to blog, but my internet wasn't connecting. I checked my landline answering machine and heard the message he left. It was softer.
Wow. Very succinct.
Hey, Hyde. It's Narc.
I just called your cell, but got a same voice mail. So, now I'm trying your landline.
Well... Um... I don't know what to say.
Um... I broke up with PopStar and, uh.... We're all done and I guess I'm just... I guess I've got to thank your for something. And I went out with a couple of friends tonight-- went out drinking. And I just-- I just couldn't get into it. I don't know... Um... I couldn't join the camaraderie. And I came back. And I wanted to talk to you... wanted to talk to you about that. But you're out.
But... um... I'm sure you've written me off... long ago and rightfully so. But, um... I hope that you hear my message and maybe that you'll--
And then his message got cut off.
I felt myself melting even more. I was nauseated. I sent him a text.
Just heard the message you left on my home phone. It struck me. We need to talk at some point in the daylight hours. Waiting for sleep to come now.
He wrote back:
Ah yes, trading one drug for another... I want to see you, Hyde, but not if it's going to fuck up your shit...
My reply?
I'm confused about what you want from me. I used to think I understood you. But I can't fool myself anymore. That's why I want to talk things out at some point. To clear it up. Anyway, good night.
And I didn't hear from him again.
Anyway, I don't have time to blog much more right now, but I spoke to my sponsor about all of it today. She told me to go pick up trash in the street and to call some newcomers.
"That's what you have to do if you want to get better," she said.
"I don't know what I want when it comes to this," I told her. "I don't know if I want to get better."
She paused.
"Well, if that's the case, do what you want, but don't talk to me about it. Don't expect to me to help you if you choose to walk into pain. Don't ask me to pick up the pieces."
"I'm confused," I said.
"Maybe you should take another look at your fourth step."
I was glad she told me to "do what I want" and not to talk to her about it. It felt liberating, but it made me feel sick and guilty and bad.
I'm filled with so much confusion right now... so much ambivilence. I just don't know what I want anymore.
I can't fucking deal. I'm going to meet B for lunch.
later....
h
All week long I've been feeling edgy, slightly rebellious, slightly resentful. I understand giving up drinking. I remember very clearly what it did to my life. But giving up drama? Giving up self-indulgent moodiness? Giving up self-centerdness? Is that really the only way to stay sober? I'd like to think not...
I felt Narc slipping away this week... like a shadow. I was starting to feel a new self, really and truly. And with that new self was a waterfall of fear, drowning me, pounding my shoulders and blurring my vision. There is not much to do about the fear, though. After all, fearful or fearless, the future is coming.
So, I've decided to try to keep myself a little bit busier and a little bit calmer all at the same time. Yesterday was certainly a busy day. I taught in the morning (my favorite-- the Fin-de-Siecle "Crisis of Modernity"!) and then I came home, ate a few frozen strawberries, watched part of One Life to Live and turned around to meet Hammer down in the Village for lunch. We ate at Isle on Bleeker. I really miss talking to Hammer even when I don't talk to her for a few days... I'm just on a comfortable wavelength with her and there's nothing required of me. It's nice.
In any case, after lunch, I went back to her apartment where we bummed around for a while and then I headed into Midtown to meet Cherubino. Cherubino and I are now studying from the same voice teacher and she invited me to hear her lesson. It was great. She is a (coloratura?) mezzo and was tearing through some Purcell and Rossinni runs with magnificent gusto. We had a quick bite at the diner afterwards and then I headed back to my place to do a quick turnaround before meeting Dan at the movies.
Dan and I went to see Knocked Up. It was funny... I'm sure it was funny. But I probably shouldn't have seen it. It was sort of like one big mind-fuck, given my issues on that topic. It made me want to cry.
When we got out of the film, I needed to take a breather and splash some water on my face and recenter myself, so I headed into the ladies room. Coming out, I turned my phone one. I had one new message. It was Narc and he sounded strangely out of breath.
Uh, hey Hyde. It's Narc. It's about 8:30 on Wednesday. I'm trying your cell phone and, um... I guess I'll try your landline. Alright. Bye.
I can't tell you how weird it was to hear his voice-- to hear him same my name. I haven't heard his voice in FOUR MONTHS! I immediately felt weak in my knees. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. I could hear myself gulping for air, but didn't feel any coming in. I came out of the bathroom. Dan was waiting for me right down the corridor. I signaled to him that I would be another minute, leaned against a wall and called Narc back.
"Hydeeen," he answered, with a drawn out rumble. His voice was rumbling.
"Narc," I said.
"It's so weird to hear your ring-tone again."
"Um... yeah. It's been a while," I said.
"So... I was out with friends, but I just had to come back. They're all out. All of them!"
He was definitely drunk.
"Listen, Narc... I'm actually out with a friend right now too. I just wanted to call back. Um..." I could barely speak. "Can I call you back later?"
"When?"
"Later."
"When?"
"In an hour."
"Yeah. Alright. Call me back."
I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was barely standing. I don't know what I would have done had Dan not been there. I explained to him what happened and told him that I felt faint.
"We need to find you a place where you can sit," he said. He gave me a huge hug. I was shaking.
Dan and I walked across the street to Starbucks. I felt dizzy, probably because of the desperate gulping for air.
You can feel your feelings. You don't need to drink. You CAN feel your feelings, I kept telling myself.
Dan and I sat down to talk it through. He calmed me down a lot. I was so grateful for him. In the midst of all that, Narc sent me a text:
Company tonight? Just friendly. Just thinking it would be nice.
I didn't know what to say. A thousand possible responses were racing through my mind. The good thing? They were all "no" answers, but I didn't know how to say no or even if I should answer at all. But I guess he didn't want to wait for a response, because he called a moment later. I took the call, figuring it was better to deal with it in Dan's company.
It was an awkward phone call and I don't think I can reproduce it here. Narc said he missed me and he wanted to hang out.
"What about your girlfriend?" I asked.
"That? That's over!" he said. "Over. Didn't I tell you that in the message?"
"No. Over as of when?"
"Oh, two to three weeks ago." His words were still slurring together. "She used me and abused me and then tossed me to the curb," he laughed. "My friends were right. They were all right. I don't know... Maybe everyone just has to date a pretty Russian chick once. It's a right of passage or something. Relationship puberty."
"Are you okay?" I ventured.
"Yeah... depressed, but I'm okay. Would be better if you were here."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Narc," I said. "But I don't think it's a good idea about tonight."
"Why not? What's the big deal?"
"You know my feelings for you," I said. "I just can't. Besides, I have to teach in the morning, and I'm with a friend right now. I'm being rude. I really have to get off the phone."
"Fine. FINE! Go be with your friend. I'll be fine," he said.
But now I felt guilty.
"I'll call you later."
"See you later?"
"I can't see you later, but I'll call you later."
When I got off the phone, Dan and I sat there on 2nd Avenue for another twenty minutes. I left a message for my sponsor. Narc texted me again:
Watching "Lost boys," watching Kiefer post 24... too funny.
It was as if nothing had happened between February and now.
I was on the verge of tears, but at the same time felt stronger than ever before. He reminded me to stay in the moment, to not think my way into making problems bigger than they are, and that I am okay. Finally, I had it in me to walk back to my place.
Dan suggested that I turn my phone off for the night, but I was reluctant. I had told Narc I would call him back and as much as I didn't want to, I wanted to. In any event, just as I was about to turn off my phone, it buzzed. It was BigSis. I had to take the call. I said goodnight to Dan with another hug and turned to head into the building.
Back at my place, I talked to BigSis on the phone for a while. After we hung up, waves of anxiety still welling in my chest, I closed my eyes and called him back.
"Hydeeeen...." he said, with that same drawn out rumble.
I wanted to melt. I hate that I wanted to melt, but I did.
This conversation was considerably longer... He asked if he could come over to my place. I said "no."
"It's not to be sexual," he said. "I just want to see you... I just need to be with someone right now."
"It's not good for me," I told him. "I still have feelings for you and I need to sort all of that out!"
"I thought you'd have that all sorted out by now!" he laughed. There was something cruel in his laugh. "I thought I'd find you the 'new and improved' Super-Hyde-- all trim and tough and 'Full Metal Jacket,'" he said.
"How do you know I'm not?" I laughed, despite the fact that two minutes in he was already hurting my feelings.
"You're not," he said, the words tripping together.
"You found me more honest," I told him. "And I'm not ready to see you. I need to process. I told you-- my heart is fixed where it is, but I'm done letting it lead me around by the nose."
"I gave up the booze, Hyde!" he said, suddenly changing the subject. "I gave up the booze, but now I'm back on. Now I'm drinking a nice--cold--glass of vodka and it's d-e-licious."
He clinked the ice cubes up against the side of the glass so that I could hear it through the phone. More cruelty.
"You gave up booze?" I asked, incredulously. "Since when?" "Since this morning. But now I'm back on. And it's great!"
He slurped his drink loudly enough that I could hear.
"Well, I hope you're enjoying the vodka," I laughed, a choke in my throat. "You'll have to enjoy it enough for both of us, because I'm still sober."
"Your not missing much," he said, seemingly shifting moods again. "It's not worth it. It's good in the moment. I mean-- don't get me wrong-- it's great in the moment. But then you're just more depressed than ever when it's gone."
"Yeah, I remember that part."
"How's your health?" I asked.
"My health?"
"Your health."
"I don't know Hyde," he slurred and laughed. "It sucks as much as anyone living in New York."
I'm not sure I understood that answer, but I laughed anyway.
"But your blood tests are all coming back okay? And you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah, yeah... I'm okay."
"Good."
"Hydeeen... Hydeeeen!" he said, repeating my name over and over.
"Narc, Narc, Narc," I nervously replied.
I told him that I had to get going because I had to wake up at 7:00 AM the next morning.
"You're teaching this summer? What's the point of being a professor? I thought you were supposed to get off!"
"Well, I needed the extra cash, I guess."
"I should get my hands on those malleable young minds," he said. "I'd make them all read The Man Without Qualities. I should mold their minds."
"Narc, it would scare the shit out of me to see you molding anyone's mind," I laughed. And this time, I really laughed.
"I'd tell them it's all bullshit. All that crap they learn. Bullshit!"
Hmmm... So, to summarize the number of ways in which I had been insulted up to that point-- He said he only wanted to be with someone (anyone?) because he was depressed.
-He said I wasn't mentally or physically fit (with his "Full Metal Jacket" comment)
-He taunted me with his vodka
-He said the only point to my job is free time int he summer and that teaching is bullshit.
Anyway, the conversation went on for a while longer. He said that he's been playing "Resident Evil IV" which just came out for Wii.
What was I thinking that his life had changed? Drunk, depressed and alone on a Wednesday night playing Resident Evil.
"That's the game were you were scared of the chainsaw guys," he explained.
"Yeah, I remember."
He mentioned that he saw me online once-- he saw my little "photobooth photo" I use for my IM icon.
"I never see you on there," I said.
And that was basically that.
After we hung up, it was nearly 1:00 AM. I wanted to blog, but my internet wasn't connecting. I checked my landline answering machine and heard the message he left. It was softer.
Wow. Very succinct.
Hey, Hyde. It's Narc.
I just called your cell, but got a same voice mail. So, now I'm trying your landline.
Well... Um... I don't know what to say.
Um... I broke up with PopStar and, uh.... We're all done and I guess I'm just... I guess I've got to thank your for something. And I went out with a couple of friends tonight-- went out drinking. And I just-- I just couldn't get into it. I don't know... Um... I couldn't join the camaraderie. And I came back. And I wanted to talk to you... wanted to talk to you about that. But you're out.
But... um... I'm sure you've written me off... long ago and rightfully so. But, um... I hope that you hear my message and maybe that you'll--
And then his message got cut off.
I felt myself melting even more. I was nauseated. I sent him a text.
Just heard the message you left on my home phone. It struck me. We need to talk at some point in the daylight hours. Waiting for sleep to come now.
He wrote back:
Ah yes, trading one drug for another... I want to see you, Hyde, but not if it's going to fuck up your shit...
My reply?
I'm confused about what you want from me. I used to think I understood you. But I can't fool myself anymore. That's why I want to talk things out at some point. To clear it up. Anyway, good night.
And I didn't hear from him again.
Anyway, I don't have time to blog much more right now, but I spoke to my sponsor about all of it today. She told me to go pick up trash in the street and to call some newcomers.
"That's what you have to do if you want to get better," she said.
"I don't know what I want when it comes to this," I told her. "I don't know if I want to get better."
She paused.
"Well, if that's the case, do what you want, but don't talk to me about it. Don't expect to me to help you if you choose to walk into pain. Don't ask me to pick up the pieces."
"I'm confused," I said.
"Maybe you should take another look at your fourth step."
I was glad she told me to "do what I want" and not to talk to her about it. It felt liberating, but it made me feel sick and guilty and bad.
I'm filled with so much confusion right now... so much ambivilence. I just don't know what I want anymore.
I can't fucking deal. I'm going to meet B for lunch.
later....
h
Monday, June 18, 2007
Taking Stock
I think I've hit the "terrible two's."
I'm struggling lately in a whole new way and I really don't even know how to articulate what's going on with me... fear... confusion... depression. The chaos is calmed, the drama is dwindling, yet I feel desperate to crawl into bed and never come out.
I've also been feeling angrier lately-- irritated with people, frustrated, unhappy, and struggling with AA, feeling like what I'm going through now isn't the same as what other people are going through. It's not about "drinking," it's about everything else that I now have to deal with in life.
Yesterday I felt suicidal and imagined swallowing my whole bottle of lunesta. I can see now how that's selfish, and it's not really something I'm planning on doing, but my mind just wants an out... I want a way to opt out.
All of this is putting chinks in my spiritual armor. The tentative relationship with "god" that I was beginning to form seems to have disappeared. I feel like my needs aren't being met. I feel like there's no room for my feelings because in AA everyone tries to stay positive for the newcomer. I could talk to my sponsor, but my sponsor doesn't seem to think it's a good idea for me to curl up into a fetal position and stop functioning. I'm living with a newfound willfulness.
I'm physically uncomfortable and incredibly frustrated with my health situation and it's been maddening trying to deal with the medical establishment. Wasn't I supposed to get healthy in sobriety? Aren't I entitled to that? To a greater physical comfort after all of my work? I'm feeling bitter. Isn't life supposed to be more sweetness and light?
If I'm supposed to be feeling better, why am I often feeling worse? Why do I wish with more and more frequency that I could go back to some of what was?
I talked to my mom about all this the other day and she found a book called Second Year Sobriety. She ordered it for me and I started to read it today. It's funny... I've been feeling so misunderstood and alone lately, and yet there it was in black and white print-- that the second year can bring feelings of being misunderstood, different, separate, anger at AA...
The first thing the author suggests that I do... slow down and take stock of what I have accomplished this first year.
So, I have... And here it is.
I guess there are the basic miracles-- that I have learned to go to sleep at night without a boy or a bottle. I wash my face before bed now and don't ever wake up with my eyelids crusted closed and mascara coming out my nose. There's no more waking up in strange places, with strange bruises or mysterious used condoms on the floor. There's no more trying to recreate what happened in a blackout, or looking at my cat in the morning wishing he could tell me what he had seen, (while infinitely grateful for his silence on the matter).
When I leave my house I'm not desperately seeking a Red Bull/Gatorade cocktail to stabilize myself. I don't go to teach while coming down off coke, reeking of whisky, trying to process the alcohol out of my body. I am becoming more honest and open with my family (and myself). I am slowly, but surely crawling out of the hole I created in my studies and rebuilding my self-esteem.
And I've survived a hell of a lot without a drink... things I never thought I'd get through... Some of the things that happened this year, things I survived without drinking...
But it's hard. Because the lesson of the day is that a sober life is not necessarily a happy life. It's just one in which you are present and clear-minded, but you still have to deal with all the emotional crap that got blotted out while drinking. I don't know how to do that yet.
I'm feeling so much pressure to be better. To have some recovery. I'm not better. I'm not recovered. I'm still sick. I'm just sick and sober.
Sick and sober.
But reading this book has let me know that at least I'm not alone. One of the recovering addicts mentioned in the book puts it perfectly--
"It really amounts to working the First Step all over again. Surrendering to my powerless over who I am right at the moment. I can't pretend to have insights I don't have."
I do miss Narc. I'm angry and depressed and unhappy. I'm pissed off that I'm not feeling better. And I feel those things because I'm sober.
What a mixed blessing...
-h-
I'm struggling lately in a whole new way and I really don't even know how to articulate what's going on with me... fear... confusion... depression. The chaos is calmed, the drama is dwindling, yet I feel desperate to crawl into bed and never come out.
I've also been feeling angrier lately-- irritated with people, frustrated, unhappy, and struggling with AA, feeling like what I'm going through now isn't the same as what other people are going through. It's not about "drinking," it's about everything else that I now have to deal with in life.
Yesterday I felt suicidal and imagined swallowing my whole bottle of lunesta. I can see now how that's selfish, and it's not really something I'm planning on doing, but my mind just wants an out... I want a way to opt out.
All of this is putting chinks in my spiritual armor. The tentative relationship with "god" that I was beginning to form seems to have disappeared. I feel like my needs aren't being met. I feel like there's no room for my feelings because in AA everyone tries to stay positive for the newcomer. I could talk to my sponsor, but my sponsor doesn't seem to think it's a good idea for me to curl up into a fetal position and stop functioning. I'm living with a newfound willfulness.
I'm physically uncomfortable and incredibly frustrated with my health situation and it's been maddening trying to deal with the medical establishment. Wasn't I supposed to get healthy in sobriety? Aren't I entitled to that? To a greater physical comfort after all of my work? I'm feeling bitter. Isn't life supposed to be more sweetness and light?
If I'm supposed to be feeling better, why am I often feeling worse? Why do I wish with more and more frequency that I could go back to some of what was?
I talked to my mom about all this the other day and she found a book called Second Year Sobriety. She ordered it for me and I started to read it today. It's funny... I've been feeling so misunderstood and alone lately, and yet there it was in black and white print-- that the second year can bring feelings of being misunderstood, different, separate, anger at AA...
The first thing the author suggests that I do... slow down and take stock of what I have accomplished this first year.
So, I have... And here it is.
I guess there are the basic miracles-- that I have learned to go to sleep at night without a boy or a bottle. I wash my face before bed now and don't ever wake up with my eyelids crusted closed and mascara coming out my nose. There's no more waking up in strange places, with strange bruises or mysterious used condoms on the floor. There's no more trying to recreate what happened in a blackout, or looking at my cat in the morning wishing he could tell me what he had seen, (while infinitely grateful for his silence on the matter).
When I leave my house I'm not desperately seeking a Red Bull/Gatorade cocktail to stabilize myself. I don't go to teach while coming down off coke, reeking of whisky, trying to process the alcohol out of my body. I am becoming more honest and open with my family (and myself). I am slowly, but surely crawling out of the hole I created in my studies and rebuilding my self-esteem.
And I've survived a hell of a lot without a drink... things I never thought I'd get through... Some of the things that happened this year, things I survived without drinking...
- Narc shaking me and telling me not to go to AA because he "loves me"
- Narc getting really sick and becoming hospitalized and relying on me to get him through it (without so much as a "thank you.")
- B getting engaged
- All of the tension between me and B's fiance
- Losing Narc (in the various stages that it occurred)
- Brick blowing me off and ending our friendship for no reason
- The Fourth of July, my Birthday, New Year's Eve, St. Patty's Day and Cinco de Mayo
- Traveling
- The decision to switch sponsors (and telling my previous sponsor that I wanted to change!)
- Confusion letting TT kiss me despite my feelings for Narc
- Facing certain memories in therapy
- Dragging up my entire past in my fourth step (and sharing it all with someone in my fifth!)
- My first academic conference
- Speaking in front of 400 people at AA
- The anniversary of my dad's death
- The anniversary of the pregnancy termination
- The anxiety around my 1-year anniversary of sobriety
- All of the awful stress around the health stuff I've had to deal with in the past three months!!!
- And just the general state of loneliness, fear, apprehension and anger-- anger that is surfacing for the first time ever.
But it's hard. Because the lesson of the day is that a sober life is not necessarily a happy life. It's just one in which you are present and clear-minded, but you still have to deal with all the emotional crap that got blotted out while drinking. I don't know how to do that yet.
I'm feeling so much pressure to be better. To have some recovery. I'm not better. I'm not recovered. I'm still sick. I'm just sick and sober.
Sick and sober.
But reading this book has let me know that at least I'm not alone. One of the recovering addicts mentioned in the book puts it perfectly--
"It really amounts to working the First Step all over again. Surrendering to my powerless over who I am right at the moment. I can't pretend to have insights I don't have."
I do miss Narc. I'm angry and depressed and unhappy. I'm pissed off that I'm not feeling better. And I feel those things because I'm sober.
What a mixed blessing...
-h-
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Brian Eno
I am listening to Brian Eno. It reminds me of Narc's bedroom... the cool rumpled white sheets and the smell of the place. It's nice how places have smells that transcend description.
I remember once after one of those intellectual history seminars, while heading over for our "dutch treat" style dinner, ProfPP said something about Brian Eno and made some self-deprecating comment about how we (meaning me, Hammer, et al) wouldn't know who Brian Eno is because we are young.
This is what my memory sounds like.
The music right now feels like little drops of water plunking down into my blood stream... Silvering. Shadowy, now. It's impressions are so clear. My blood is running thin. The rain is shining. Shining and poisonous.
-h-
I remember once after one of those intellectual history seminars, while heading over for our "dutch treat" style dinner, ProfPP said something about Brian Eno and made some self-deprecating comment about how we (meaning me, Hammer, et al) wouldn't know who Brian Eno is because we are young.
This is what my memory sounds like.
The music right now feels like little drops of water plunking down into my blood stream... Silvering. Shadowy, now. It's impressions are so clear. My blood is running thin. The rain is shining. Shining and poisonous.
-h-
Friday, June 15, 2007
La vie en "rouge"
Yes, I have been busy! And not much in the mood for blogging, it seems. But I don't want to let everything go either, so I'll try to catch up to date...
Last weekend was fun... on Saturday I met an old college friend of NDN's and we all went for Dim Sum down in Chinatown. It was a strange gathering-- NDN's friend (AKA "BigFish") was an interesting character and he left NDN and I with much to gossip about afterwards.
On Saturday night I went out with some AA people to celebrate an anniversary... it was fun. Not much else to say about it.
Sunday was LilSis' bridal shower. We had it in an Armenian restaurant in Bayside. It's a cute little place where we went for Mother's Day once a few years ago. My parents rented out the place for the afternoon. My mom planned the party with the theme of "LilSis and JBC in the future" and she hired a psychic to come do readings. There's a tradition, in my family, of offering elaborate amateur entertainment at every party, and my mom and cousins Jail and Jol wrote some kind of mini-play about LilSis and JBC. Jail and Jol dressed up like them and sang a new version of "I Got You Babe." I had to play a psychic within the skit and predict the future for LilSis and JBC. It included bursting out into a song that my mom wrote to the tune of Peggy Lee's "Manana." Don't even ask... I was worried that the real psychic there would get offended when I dressed up like her, but she didn't seem to care...
Anyway, after that semi-absurd event (which LilSis seemed to appreciate), I headed back to the city and went to bed relatively early out of sheer exhaustion.
On Monday I was running around all morning dealing with some medical stuff that I don't really want to blog about. In the afternoon I met Hammer to see La Vie en Rose. I absolutely LOVED that movie. I loved her relationship with Marcel. I loved seeing a "whole human life" lived in her music. I loved watching her struggle to overcome and the ambivalence of a life that never has a "happily ever after." I don't know why it moved me so much, and I don't care to know, beyond that...
Here are some pictures from the film...
Anyway... I loved it so much that I went to see it again on Wednesday. I have been singing Edith Piaf songs all week long and I even bought some red lipstick yesterday. I am inspired. It is the reddest of red... really, really, red. I think I needed it. I think I'll wear it again today.
I don't really know how to describe the rest of my week except for "cranky." I have been thinking about Narc a lot (but then, what else is new, right?). I have also been trying to deal with this health stuff and that has me under a lot of stress. And then there's teaching-- on the one hand, it's fun to rip through a ton of material at super-speed, the way the summer course requires. On the other hand, it's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting to lecture for two and a half hours a day, racing through the 19th century by the week's end.
And then there is the topic of Tuesday night's "qualification." I was super stressed about it... there are nearly 400 people that come to that meeting! I wrote out something in advance and read it to Hammer and the Alaskan on Monday afternoon. When Tuesday came around, I found myself wanting to snap at everyone, probably because I was stressed. NDN came to the meeting and sat with Meema. Pixie said a prayer with me before I spoke. (I texted Brick asking him if he wanted to come, but he never responded. It's just a side note, but I think that is finally the end of that.) And then I spoke. And I don't know what came out of me, but something did. And it had nearly nothing in common with what I had prepared. But as I spoke, with each passing sentence I gained confidence. When it was over, everyone was so enthusiastic and complementary. Over and over people told me that I had a "really great message." One man, a newcomer, even came up to me and told me that he wrote down things that I said.
"I saw you at the diner last week," he said, "and you really helped me then too... Every time you speak it has such a calming effect on me. I just really wanted to thank you for that..."
Who would have thought?
In any case, it felt really good to get such positive feedback. After the meeting I headed over to the diner with the group to celebrate yet another friend's anniversary. I ended up sitting with two guys-- one named for a hero of the French Revolution and another just out of rehab, living in a halfway house in Brooklyn.
On Wednesday, like I said, I saw the movie again, and I spent part of the afternoon with B. Bezoukhoff came over that evening and we ate sushi (and fried ice cream) and sang some Gilbert and Sullivan and Soviet love songs to Lenin. (Like this classic little number that says "Lenin is alive and Lenin is always with you.")
Yesterday, after teaching, I forgot to eat all day, so by the time I got to therapy I was really irritable. I feel like I stopped believing in God this week for some reason, so that's mostly what I talked about. I would blog about it all, but I've already mentally struggled with it ad nauseam and I don't really want to go into again right now. I've been feeling rebellious, though... angry at AA and irritated at everyone and part of me wants to just say "fuck it!" to the whole thing. On the other hand, I can't deny how much my life has improved in sobriety and I don't want to do anything stupid either. So... with no other form of escapism available to me, movies about Edith Piaf and songs about Lenin will have to suffice. But I miss Narc and I hate that I still do. I can't wait to be over him!
Last night before AA I finished my seventh step... Moving right along with all of that... Afterwards, I met Dan for dinner at Blockhead's. It was good to see him, but I was exhausted.
And that takes us to today... My house is still a wreck. I haven't been eating regularly, opening my mail, doing the dishes or taking care of any of those "basic life" tasks that I worked so hard last summer to be able to manage. So, I think I need to drastically slow things down this week and practice a little more self-care. Maybe it will help me feel better overall. I was supposed to host a Roman banquet this weekend, but I cancelled it. I just can't manage everything right now. Besides, I have to go home on Sunday for Father's Day...
Right now I'm listening to this song-- when you have no answers, Lenin will help you.
Yeah? Well, where's Lenin when I need him?
love,
h
Last weekend was fun... on Saturday I met an old college friend of NDN's and we all went for Dim Sum down in Chinatown. It was a strange gathering-- NDN's friend (AKA "BigFish") was an interesting character and he left NDN and I with much to gossip about afterwards.
On Saturday night I went out with some AA people to celebrate an anniversary... it was fun. Not much else to say about it.
Sunday was LilSis' bridal shower. We had it in an Armenian restaurant in Bayside. It's a cute little place where we went for Mother's Day once a few years ago. My parents rented out the place for the afternoon. My mom planned the party with the theme of "LilSis and JBC in the future" and she hired a psychic to come do readings. There's a tradition, in my family, of offering elaborate amateur entertainment at every party, and my mom and cousins Jail and Jol wrote some kind of mini-play about LilSis and JBC. Jail and Jol dressed up like them and sang a new version of "I Got You Babe." I had to play a psychic within the skit and predict the future for LilSis and JBC. It included bursting out into a song that my mom wrote to the tune of Peggy Lee's "Manana." Don't even ask... I was worried that the real psychic there would get offended when I dressed up like her, but she didn't seem to care...
Anyway, after that semi-absurd event (which LilSis seemed to appreciate), I headed back to the city and went to bed relatively early out of sheer exhaustion.
On Monday I was running around all morning dealing with some medical stuff that I don't really want to blog about. In the afternoon I met Hammer to see La Vie en Rose. I absolutely LOVED that movie. I loved her relationship with Marcel. I loved seeing a "whole human life" lived in her music. I loved watching her struggle to overcome and the ambivalence of a life that never has a "happily ever after." I don't know why it moved me so much, and I don't care to know, beyond that...
Here are some pictures from the film...
Anyway... I loved it so much that I went to see it again on Wednesday. I have been singing Edith Piaf songs all week long and I even bought some red lipstick yesterday. I am inspired. It is the reddest of red... really, really, red. I think I needed it. I think I'll wear it again today.
I don't really know how to describe the rest of my week except for "cranky." I have been thinking about Narc a lot (but then, what else is new, right?). I have also been trying to deal with this health stuff and that has me under a lot of stress. And then there's teaching-- on the one hand, it's fun to rip through a ton of material at super-speed, the way the summer course requires. On the other hand, it's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting to lecture for two and a half hours a day, racing through the 19th century by the week's end.
And then there is the topic of Tuesday night's "qualification." I was super stressed about it... there are nearly 400 people that come to that meeting! I wrote out something in advance and read it to Hammer and the Alaskan on Monday afternoon. When Tuesday came around, I found myself wanting to snap at everyone, probably because I was stressed. NDN came to the meeting and sat with Meema. Pixie said a prayer with me before I spoke. (I texted Brick asking him if he wanted to come, but he never responded. It's just a side note, but I think that is finally the end of that.) And then I spoke. And I don't know what came out of me, but something did. And it had nearly nothing in common with what I had prepared. But as I spoke, with each passing sentence I gained confidence. When it was over, everyone was so enthusiastic and complementary. Over and over people told me that I had a "really great message." One man, a newcomer, even came up to me and told me that he wrote down things that I said.
"I saw you at the diner last week," he said, "and you really helped me then too... Every time you speak it has such a calming effect on me. I just really wanted to thank you for that..."
Who would have thought?
In any case, it felt really good to get such positive feedback. After the meeting I headed over to the diner with the group to celebrate yet another friend's anniversary. I ended up sitting with two guys-- one named for a hero of the French Revolution and another just out of rehab, living in a halfway house in Brooklyn.
On Wednesday, like I said, I saw the movie again, and I spent part of the afternoon with B. Bezoukhoff came over that evening and we ate sushi (and fried ice cream) and sang some Gilbert and Sullivan and Soviet love songs to Lenin. (Like this classic little number that says "Lenin is alive and Lenin is always with you.")
Yesterday, after teaching, I forgot to eat all day, so by the time I got to therapy I was really irritable. I feel like I stopped believing in God this week for some reason, so that's mostly what I talked about. I would blog about it all, but I've already mentally struggled with it ad nauseam and I don't really want to go into again right now. I've been feeling rebellious, though... angry at AA and irritated at everyone and part of me wants to just say "fuck it!" to the whole thing. On the other hand, I can't deny how much my life has improved in sobriety and I don't want to do anything stupid either. So... with no other form of escapism available to me, movies about Edith Piaf and songs about Lenin will have to suffice. But I miss Narc and I hate that I still do. I can't wait to be over him!
Last night before AA I finished my seventh step... Moving right along with all of that... Afterwards, I met Dan for dinner at Blockhead's. It was good to see him, but I was exhausted.
And that takes us to today... My house is still a wreck. I haven't been eating regularly, opening my mail, doing the dishes or taking care of any of those "basic life" tasks that I worked so hard last summer to be able to manage. So, I think I need to drastically slow things down this week and practice a little more self-care. Maybe it will help me feel better overall. I was supposed to host a Roman banquet this weekend, but I cancelled it. I just can't manage everything right now. Besides, I have to go home on Sunday for Father's Day...
Right now I'm listening to this song-- when you have no answers, Lenin will help you.
Yeah? Well, where's Lenin when I need him?
love,
h
Monday, June 11, 2007
Qualification
I was asked to speak at the big meeting on Tuesday night... to be the 10 minute speaker. I am really nervous. I know you're not supposed to write these things out in advance, but I just drafted my "qualification."
Later today I'm going to see that new biopic about Edith Piaf with Hammer. I'm still feeling blue, but am trying to stay "active" about things.
love,
h
Later today I'm going to see that new biopic about Edith Piaf with Hammer. I'm still feeling blue, but am trying to stay "active" about things.
love,
h
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Backwards
It's been a busy and a strange week. A lot of running around to different doctors... the emails with Narc... I don't know. I'm off to LilSis' bridal shower right now. I'm feeling depressed. 2 years ago today was when I terminated that pregnancy. I wish I weren't so sensitive or that dates didn't matter to me so much. Feeling a little sick...
Hopefully the day with my family and a meeting tonight will help me keep things in perspective.
love,
h
Hopefully the day with my family and a meeting tonight will help me keep things in perspective.
love,
h
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
The Case Continues
I am exhausted right now! Kind of tired beyond belief. I got very little sleep last night for a variety of reasons, and spent the day being emotionally worn out (in ways I don't really care to discuss). I made some major progress today towards a goal, though. And I suppose if that comes at the expense of some exhaustion, so be it. At around 5:00 PM I collapsed into a nap. I just woke up. It's nearly 8:00.
Before I hit the sheets, I wrote back to Narc's email from yesterday. (Was it really just from yesterday? It feels like I waited a week to respond!) To be fair, I also went onto bn.com and ordered the book that Spins suggested. Anyway, here's what I wrote to him:
Ha ha ha...! You know the PhD is a ways off. The INC's are moving along nicely though. ;)
The conference was actually a really great experience. I was nervous, but I'm glad that I did it. I found that I was pretty good on my feet, even when up against a bonafide "Ruskin scholar" (don't know if you ever read it, but my paper touches on Ruskin). And my advisor is still encouraging me to publish the paper. I just haven't had the time to make the necessary changes yet.
I have been insanely busy, but in a way that feels good. I sang at Carnegie Hall on Monday night... that was fun. I've just been moving along-- teaching, getting some writing done, doing voice, and still going to AA, of course, and changing and growing spiritually every day. That sounds kind of weird to write in an email, but I feel so different these days... even happy! I started to really feel it around the beginning of May. On Saturday I woke up charged and thinking about "fascism" and itching to read. So I did. It was a productive day, work-wise. It doesn't sound "exciting," but I haven't had that feeling in nearly four years. It's as if a fog is lifting. (An alcoholic fog? A depressive fog? Who knows... but I don't think it really matters what or why). I just can't wait to see what happens next.
(And just in case, in my spare time, I'm re-reading Nietzsche's "the Case Against Wagner." Perhaps I will finally eliminate the last of my latent Wagnerism! It's all about "praxis" these days!!!)
Oh-- and some really BIG changes in the works. I'm going to keep quiet on that, though, until I see if it all pans out... probably won't know for another few months.
Anyway... how are you doing "health"-wise? I still worry about you, you know. I'm excited and happy for all of the positive things that are happening on your end. And maybe, if enough time passes between now and when I see you again, you will be making your movie and I will be able to reveal what I have up my sleeve.
Keep in touch...
Lots of love,
Hyde
And then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had missed a few calls from NDN and had a text from Narc. Huh?
Hey, you have a MacBook now with a built in cam, right? You should add "Narc-1" to your iChat AV, then we can chat!
I repeat... HUH?
If he really wants to see me, he lives three miles away... what is this? My eyes are still sticky from my nap and my head is pounding, as I haven't eaten all afternoon. I need to go to the deli to forage for food. But, I guess I get what I ask for. I still haven't mentioned any of this to Cherubino. Maybe it's time? I'm not sure.
My heart is my heart is my heart.
love,
h
Before I hit the sheets, I wrote back to Narc's email from yesterday. (Was it really just from yesterday? It feels like I waited a week to respond!) To be fair, I also went onto bn.com and ordered the book that Spins suggested. Anyway, here's what I wrote to him:
Ha ha ha...! You know the PhD is a ways off. The INC's are moving along nicely though. ;)
The conference was actually a really great experience. I was nervous, but I'm glad that I did it. I found that I was pretty good on my feet, even when up against a bonafide "Ruskin scholar" (don't know if you ever read it, but my paper touches on Ruskin). And my advisor is still encouraging me to publish the paper. I just haven't had the time to make the necessary changes yet.
I have been insanely busy, but in a way that feels good. I sang at Carnegie Hall on Monday night... that was fun. I've just been moving along-- teaching, getting some writing done, doing voice, and still going to AA, of course, and changing and growing spiritually every day. That sounds kind of weird to write in an email, but I feel so different these days... even happy! I started to really feel it around the beginning of May. On Saturday I woke up charged and thinking about "fascism" and itching to read. So I did. It was a productive day, work-wise. It doesn't sound "exciting," but I haven't had that feeling in nearly four years. It's as if a fog is lifting. (An alcoholic fog? A depressive fog? Who knows... but I don't think it really matters what or why). I just can't wait to see what happens next.
(And just in case, in my spare time, I'm re-reading Nietzsche's "the Case Against Wagner." Perhaps I will finally eliminate the last of my latent Wagnerism! It's all about "praxis" these days!!!)
Oh-- and some really BIG changes in the works. I'm going to keep quiet on that, though, until I see if it all pans out... probably won't know for another few months.
Anyway... how are you doing "health"-wise? I still worry about you, you know. I'm excited and happy for all of the positive things that are happening on your end. And maybe, if enough time passes between now and when I see you again, you will be making your movie and I will be able to reveal what I have up my sleeve.
Keep in touch...
Lots of love,
Hyde
And then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had missed a few calls from NDN and had a text from Narc. Huh?
Hey, you have a MacBook now with a built in cam, right? You should add "Narc-1" to your iChat AV, then we can chat!
I repeat... HUH?
If he really wants to see me, he lives three miles away... what is this? My eyes are still sticky from my nap and my head is pounding, as I haven't eaten all afternoon. I need to go to the deli to forage for food. But, I guess I get what I ask for. I still haven't mentioned any of this to Cherubino. Maybe it's time? I'm not sure.
My heart is my heart is my heart.
love,
h
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Wounded
Hyde:
I just saw a commercial for "1408." Is that the one I'm supposed to get excited about? If so, I will... Btw-- How is your reality show deal, etc.? love, hyde
Narc:
1408 has tested quite well over the past few months--supposed to be a great, suspense-filled, scary movie, so we shall see... Reality show deal is done and out of our hands (at least as far as our part is concerned), as our guys in LA are pitching the project as we speak (apparently ABC is quite interested and has been taking meetings, but as for us--now it's just a waiting game). "The movie" moving along as well--incorporating, first money in etc all this week. How did your conference go? And where's that shiny new PhD?? Narc
Monday, June 4, 2007
"The Case Against Wagner"
Everything is completely fine. In fact, things are starting to feel GOOD... but I still want to scream. I still want something I can't have. I still can't stand it... can't breath.
Why can't I just accept what is?
I had a good weekend. Friday night's talent show was a lot of fun. Cherubino and I were a smash and it was fun to sing in front of people who had no idea I am a singer. Everyone was sort of bowled over.
Earlier in the day on Friday I went to a new meeting down near NYU and afterwards I had lunch with Pixie. We talked and talked for an hour or two... it was one of those rare but awesome "new friend" conversations in which you get to know another person, talk philosophy and feel the energy of the world around you. We ate at Dojo. When lunch was through I was off to therapy where I complained about needing an "unconversion" experience* to get rid of my Wagnerian obsession with liebestod (and thereby ceasing to exist post-Narc.)
*(I know that term "unconversion" experience probably doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's an inside joke to myself... something to do with John Ruskin in Turin).
After the talent show, Cherubino came back to my place and we watched "Dangerous Liaisons" with StarGazer until nearly 3:00 AM. Cherubino fell asleep before it was through. It made me think of Liu. I first saw that movie with her when she was living in Colorado. And I have to say-- that movie is just plain hot.
On Saturday something really good happened. I woke up thinking again for the first time in years. I mean it... I didn't realize it had been missing until Saturday. I woke up wanting to work on one of my incompletes. I had some thoughts racing through my head about Fascism. I wanted to read. The alcoholic fog is still lifting and sometimes, like on Saturday, I can feel a major shift in my brain. I remember it happened to me before once back in the fall... I was listening to some baroque music and found that my brain could once again pick apart the orchestration in a way I hadn't been able to do since before I drank. It's really, really scary how much alcohol took away from me... how much I hadn't even realized was missing.
I went to meet Hammer down at the Tea Spot (and drank Butter Truffle tea) and I read a little about opera and fascism and chatted with Hammer. Afterwards I went back to her apartment and painted a watercolor of a really creepy dream I had about ChoirMan. I left the painting there, as not to carry its bad energy with me. Hammer was working on a delightful series of paintings about a carrot and a soybean. It was awesome. (Who's awesome? Why, she and the Alaskan are awesome!)
From there I headed over to AA. I took Slope's commitment for her, cleaning up the coffee tables, as she hasn't been around as much lately. After the meeting I went out for a bite with Civyl, LashGirl and some others. It was raining hard outside and I walked without an umbrella. I liked it. The rain splashed around on my chest and in my hair and it felt cold and I felt really alive-- again, in a way I haven't felt in a long time... maybe years.
Today I went over to school to do some paperwork and to copy syllabi's. I'm teaching a new class that starts tomorrow. On my way home, I stopped at the art store and bought my own sketch book and a set of watercolor pencils, since I had so much fun with Hammer and the Alaskan. Then I came home and painted... or drew... I guess I drew, since I was using pencils. At 6:00 I headed back out... I sang at Carnegie Hall tonight!
I met the rest of my choir in one of the orchestra rehearsal rooms where we polished off a few last parts of the "Zanetto" chorus. There's something about the sound love in a-minor. From there, it was up to the balcony. For some reason, they had us singing from the balcony and not on stage. I was glad though, as I got to wear my jeans and sneakers. And then I came home... and I ate dinner and watched some TV... and I felt anxious.
And I feel anxious.
I saw a commercial on TV yesterday for the Stephen King movie "1408." Narc told me about it a while back-- said that it's supposed to be genuinely scary. I can't stop thinking of him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be thinking of him anymore. But, he's still in my every thought. I don't want it anymore. Is this ever going to get any better? I hate it. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be in love anymore. I've started re-reading Nietzsche's "The Case Against Wagner." I'm hoping it'll help.
During the first half of tonight's concert, the mezzo sang "Acerba volutta" from Adriana Lecouvreur.
Waiting brings back intense pleasure, sweet torment, enduring pain, quick offense, fire, ice, trembling, rage and fear to my loving breast!
Every echo, every shadow in the incandescent night conspires against my impatient soul: completely suspended between doubt and desire, it measures eternity in the moment.
Will he come? Has he forgotten me? Is he hurrying? Or perhaps he's changing his mind?
There, he's coming! No, it's the sound of the stream mingled with the sigh of a sleeping tree.
Oh vagrant star of the Orient, do not wane. Smile at the universe and, if he is not lying, guide my love!
Wait a minute... Isn't Adriana Lecouvreur a "verismo" opera? Maybe Nietzsche's "Case Against Wagner" can't save me after all. Oh well... I think it's to bed with knots in my stomach... again.
Again... again...
Maybe this is the way of the world. If these are the terms, I'll have to accept. But I'm tired of being hungry... of always craving something else. Will I ever feel whole? Really whole? I don't know.
To bed, though. As I like to tell NDN, "tomorrow is another day."
love,
h
Why can't I just accept what is?
I had a good weekend. Friday night's talent show was a lot of fun. Cherubino and I were a smash and it was fun to sing in front of people who had no idea I am a singer. Everyone was sort of bowled over.
Earlier in the day on Friday I went to a new meeting down near NYU and afterwards I had lunch with Pixie. We talked and talked for an hour or two... it was one of those rare but awesome "new friend" conversations in which you get to know another person, talk philosophy and feel the energy of the world around you. We ate at Dojo. When lunch was through I was off to therapy where I complained about needing an "unconversion" experience* to get rid of my Wagnerian obsession with liebestod (and thereby ceasing to exist post-Narc.)
*(I know that term "unconversion" experience probably doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's an inside joke to myself... something to do with John Ruskin in Turin).
After the talent show, Cherubino came back to my place and we watched "Dangerous Liaisons" with StarGazer until nearly 3:00 AM. Cherubino fell asleep before it was through. It made me think of Liu. I first saw that movie with her when she was living in Colorado. And I have to say-- that movie is just plain hot.
On Saturday something really good happened. I woke up thinking again for the first time in years. I mean it... I didn't realize it had been missing until Saturday. I woke up wanting to work on one of my incompletes. I had some thoughts racing through my head about Fascism. I wanted to read. The alcoholic fog is still lifting and sometimes, like on Saturday, I can feel a major shift in my brain. I remember it happened to me before once back in the fall... I was listening to some baroque music and found that my brain could once again pick apart the orchestration in a way I hadn't been able to do since before I drank. It's really, really scary how much alcohol took away from me... how much I hadn't even realized was missing.
I went to meet Hammer down at the Tea Spot (and drank Butter Truffle tea) and I read a little about opera and fascism and chatted with Hammer. Afterwards I went back to her apartment and painted a watercolor of a really creepy dream I had about ChoirMan. I left the painting there, as not to carry its bad energy with me. Hammer was working on a delightful series of paintings about a carrot and a soybean. It was awesome. (Who's awesome? Why, she and the Alaskan are awesome!)
From there I headed over to AA. I took Slope's commitment for her, cleaning up the coffee tables, as she hasn't been around as much lately. After the meeting I went out for a bite with Civyl, LashGirl and some others. It was raining hard outside and I walked without an umbrella. I liked it. The rain splashed around on my chest and in my hair and it felt cold and I felt really alive-- again, in a way I haven't felt in a long time... maybe years.
Today I went over to school to do some paperwork and to copy syllabi's. I'm teaching a new class that starts tomorrow. On my way home, I stopped at the art store and bought my own sketch book and a set of watercolor pencils, since I had so much fun with Hammer and the Alaskan. Then I came home and painted... or drew... I guess I drew, since I was using pencils. At 6:00 I headed back out... I sang at Carnegie Hall tonight!
I met the rest of my choir in one of the orchestra rehearsal rooms where we polished off a few last parts of the "Zanetto" chorus. There's something about the sound love in a-minor. From there, it was up to the balcony. For some reason, they had us singing from the balcony and not on stage. I was glad though, as I got to wear my jeans and sneakers. And then I came home... and I ate dinner and watched some TV... and I felt anxious.
And I feel anxious.
I saw a commercial on TV yesterday for the Stephen King movie "1408." Narc told me about it a while back-- said that it's supposed to be genuinely scary. I can't stop thinking of him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be thinking of him anymore. But, he's still in my every thought. I don't want it anymore. Is this ever going to get any better? I hate it. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be in love anymore. I've started re-reading Nietzsche's "The Case Against Wagner." I'm hoping it'll help.
During the first half of tonight's concert, the mezzo sang "Acerba volutta" from Adriana Lecouvreur.
Waiting brings back intense pleasure, sweet torment, enduring pain, quick offense, fire, ice, trembling, rage and fear to my loving breast!
Every echo, every shadow in the incandescent night conspires against my impatient soul: completely suspended between doubt and desire, it measures eternity in the moment.
Will he come? Has he forgotten me? Is he hurrying? Or perhaps he's changing his mind?
There, he's coming! No, it's the sound of the stream mingled with the sigh of a sleeping tree.
Oh vagrant star of the Orient, do not wane. Smile at the universe and, if he is not lying, guide my love!
Wait a minute... Isn't Adriana Lecouvreur a "verismo" opera? Maybe Nietzsche's "Case Against Wagner" can't save me after all. Oh well... I think it's to bed with knots in my stomach... again.
Again... again...
Maybe this is the way of the world. If these are the terms, I'll have to accept. But I'm tired of being hungry... of always craving something else. Will I ever feel whole? Really whole? I don't know.
To bed, though. As I like to tell NDN, "tomorrow is another day."
love,
h
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
I just watched the HBO movie... I cried. It was devastating.
Now I'm off to meet Hammer (and the Alaskan?) at the Tea Spot.
love,
h
Now I'm off to meet Hammer (and the Alaskan?) at the Tea Spot.
love,
h
Friday, June 1, 2007
Tidbits
Tonight is BarMan's last night ever doing karaoke over at Cheers. I wish I could go, but I will be singing in my talent show. He's been there for three years... he got there right after the summer I met Narc... right after I got addicted to coke again that summer... right when I started hanging out at Cheers... the start of my "bottom" in drinking, I guess you could say. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it... I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything right now.
In other news, I am reading The Brothers Karamazov (I think I already mentioned that once?) and I got a mini-crush on one of the brothers from a few sentences I read yesterday (while sugar crashing in the waiting room during my glucose tolerance test).
"Dmitri Fyodorovich, with his big and resolute strides, went over to the window, sat down on the only remaining chair, not far from Father Paissy, and, leaning forward with his whole body, at once prepared to listen to the continuation of the conversation he had interrupted."
I am a dork. I'm also running late, so that's it for now...
Thank God my grades have been turned in... that's what's foremost on my mind this morning.
lots of love,
h
PS: BARMAN JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL... IT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT FOR FRIDAY KARAOKE BUT HE'S STILL GOING TO BE AROUND BARTENDING AND DOING KARAOKE ON SATRUDAY. THAT WAS REALLY ANTICLIMACTIC.
In other news, I am reading The Brothers Karamazov (I think I already mentioned that once?) and I got a mini-crush on one of the brothers from a few sentences I read yesterday (while sugar crashing in the waiting room during my glucose tolerance test).
"Dmitri Fyodorovich, with his big and resolute strides, went over to the window, sat down on the only remaining chair, not far from Father Paissy, and, leaning forward with his whole body, at once prepared to listen to the continuation of the conversation he had interrupted."
I am a dork. I'm also running late, so that's it for now...
Thank God my grades have been turned in... that's what's foremost on my mind this morning.
lots of love,
h
PS: BARMAN JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL... IT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT FOR FRIDAY KARAOKE BUT HE'S STILL GOING TO BE AROUND BARTENDING AND DOING KARAOKE ON SATRUDAY. THAT WAS REALLY ANTICLIMACTIC.
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