Well, all of the "well wishes" and "cheerful thoughts" must have worked, because on Tuesday, I had a much better day! Most of the day was spent in a faculty workshop over at the college where I teach. The department is working on redeveloping the major and there are some serious changes being made to the curriculum in terms of the required courses. It was nice because I hardly ever talk to any of the other faculty there. Usually I just come in, duck into my office, duck out to teach my class and get out of there as fast as possible. I forgot that there are other interesting people around-- historians no less!
Anyway, that went on until about 3:00 PM. After that I had to dash home and change my clothes. My AA group celebrates anniversaries on the last Tuesday of the month, so yesterday was my day to get up there at the podium and speak for a minute. I met my sponsor before the meeting to rehearse something-- she is an opera singer, as am I, and we are going to perform a duet in little talent show on Friday. We rehearsed it down in the church basement. My only qualm? We are singing Mozart and while she is a Mozart mezzo, it is increasingly difficult for me to do Mozart. With each year, I feel like my voice becomes bigger and more unwieldy and it just sounds a little silly on Mozart. I was trying to explain this to Cherubino (think about it people... I named her Cherubino!) and I'm not sure whether or not she understood why I was feeling insecure about it. In any case, I'm excited for Friday...
My mom, BigSis and Bro-in-Law came to the meeting. I saved them seats up front and eagerly anticipated their arrival, as it was a "first" for both my mom and Bro-in-Law. I was glad they were there. Afterwards, people congratulated me and told me that I spoke eloquently. I felt good. I felt grounded and whole and "at home." That "at home" feeling is a tough one for me. As I child I used to cry and cry and say "I want to go home!" which would always perplex my mother who would try to soothe me by pointing out that I already was home. Anyway, last night, for once, I finally felt as if I had "arrived."
After the meeting, my family members headed home, Meema dashed off to pack (she's leaving town for the weekend. Sadly, her husband's grandmother just died), and I headed out with Slope and StarGazer to Dos Caminos. Slope told us some funny story about how she once drank a whole pot of cheese fondue at Dos Caminos when she was stoned. I had hoped to meet up with Dan later on in the night, but by that that point I was desperately tired, so I had to postpone our reunion.
Tomorrow I am off to the lab for (another?) glucose tolerance test. I also have to get tested for something that required me to collect my urine for a 24 hour period, so I couldn't venture far from my house today. Dan came by at around lunch time. I was glad to see him and am glad he's back in town.
At around 4:00 PM, B came over. (See? I was well entertained while home-bound having to pee in a jar). He was coming from a cello lesson and wanted to practice some things with me playing on piano accompaniment. I played him the Little Mermaid "techno mix" that I made with Hammer and the Alaskan the other night and he laughed. It's kind of ridiculous and makes me laugh every time I hear it too. Even Hammer couldn't fall asleep on the couch the night we made it because she kept laughing. B was thoroughly entertained despite the fact that we were both in a rather cranky mood.
After he left, I ate some cherries and then headed out to choir practice, my fingers crossed that I wouldn't have to pee until I made it back home. (I brought a Snapple bottle just in case, but thankfully it went un-utilized.) The conductor for Monday night's performance was there to rehearse us. His style? Sheer Italian melodrama. In his words? "I want you to ebb and swell with the music so much that you get seasick!" Now, that's my kind of man.
Anyway, I just watched the season finale of House and that made me sad. Now I'm listening to Eartha Kitt. She makes me smile.
That's it for now. I'm trying to ignore the knots in my stomach that won't seem to ever go away. I have to confess... I spent a good portion of the afternoon obsessively thinking about you know who, but I'm doing my best to keep it manageable. Broken hearts have to heal, right? Life has to go on? Right? I'm betting on it...
love,
h
PS: My sponsor thinks I have a major fear of becoming quotidian. She keeps trying to assure me that I needn't fear. Will "keep it simple" make me boring? Maybe it will... Or maybe she's right... Whatever. One reason for my stomach to be in knots is enough for tonight.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
The here and now
Ok. It's official. Today was spent being depressed.
Last night, the Alaskan, Hammer and I made a techo track out of the Little Mermaid. Now, that was fun. I think this summer is going to be filled with a lot more "garage band."
But I seriously need to do something to pull myself out of this rut RIGHT NOW.
-h-
Last night, the Alaskan, Hammer and I made a techo track out of the Little Mermaid. Now, that was fun. I think this summer is going to be filled with a lot more "garage band."
But I seriously need to do something to pull myself out of this rut RIGHT NOW.
-h-
Sunday, May 27, 2007
The Circle Game
So, here's my feeble attempt at getting this blog up to date. So much has been going on... But so much of it is unquantifiable... not the type of drama that makes for the best blogging.
Anyway, let's start with last week, I guess...
For the second half of the week I worked like a dog to finish my fourth step, write a paper and teach the last few classes before finals. On Saturday, I held a brunch to celebrate my first year of sobriety. I invited my immediate family and my closest friends both in and out of AA. Of course, having guests also means that I spent a good portion of the week cleaning up in preparation. Last Friday I went to see LilSis graduate from law school and that evening Bezoukhoff entertained me while I cleaned the house. I went to bed after midnight and woke up at 7:00 AM to keep at it.
LilSis was the first to arrive on Saturday morning (shortly followed by Hammer) and she helped me finish up by swiffering the floors while Hammer made a supermarket run. Finally, more and more guests began to arrive. It was such a great party. My house looked beautiful, my friends and family looked beautiful... and I felt (wait-- could it be?) happy! Yes, I was happy that day.
Hammer organized a little "speech" ceremony mid-brunch. She said the most kind and loving things about me. She also gave me a "sushi pillow." I'll have to post a picture of it. It was so sweet. NDN wrote me a poem (a "ditty!" It was amazing!) and a few others made speeches as well-- Meema, Cherubino, Leseco, my mom and BigSis. BigSis actually started to cry while she was speaking. My family is not all that openly emotional, so it was kind of strange and difficult to handle, but at the same time, I felt so proud of my accomplishment and so close to everyone. It was especially nice for me to have people from all of my different worlds there-- my family (including my stepfather and stepbrother) and my Columbia friends (GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Contessa and her fiancee, B, Jake, etc.) my friends from the grad school years (Hammer, Bezoukhoff, NDN, etc) and my AA friends.
Afterwards, my sponsor (Cherubino) stayed over while I did last minute work on my fourth step. We were set to begin my fifth step bright and early on Sunday morning! She read a book while I worked. Finally, exhausted after a very lovely day, I fell into bed.
On Sunday we were off and running. I never, ever imagined what the 5th step experience would be like. My fourth step was so "fearless, searching and thorough" that we spent 11 hours on Sunday reading the fifth step and didn't even get all of it done! We took two small half hour breaks--one to pick up sandwiches and coffee and another to make a run for dinner. Cherubino prepared a salad and put out the sushi for us while I kept going. I felt so drained... so outside of the framework of space and time... as if I had pulled ten "all-nighters," but was growing lighter and more exhausted with each additional hour. Finally, it was done. She hugged me at the end. It surprised me, although I'm not quite sure why. She told me that I would have to spend the next hour in contemplation and re-reading the first five steps. I took a shower which felt like an eternity and then collapsed into my bed, flopping down on my stomach.
The sky outside was an electric blue. The Chrysler building was an icy glowing white. Hanging beside it was a little yellow sliver of moon. I looked out the window, its bottom half fogging up from the shaking chill of the air conditioner. The world was quiet. And I felt grateful. I just soaked in the silence and said my thank you's and cried a little, although I didn't feel the tears at all.
The next morning I woke up to a world all the same and all different, off to administer the first exam of finals week. I caught a student cheating. He tried to give me every excuse in the book, but I held my own and refused to let it go just for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I hated it, but was proud of myself. Later on in the day I met Cherubino on the Upper West Side to finish up with the last of my "fears" list. We sat in Starbucks baking in the sun that streamed in from the West. At long last, we were done. I walked her to the subway. On the way we stopped in at Loehmann's and then at Urban Outfitters. Finally, she headed her way and I mine. I was off to my Monday night meditation meeting.
On Tuesday I woke up to give another exam followed by a trip to the doctor and then lunch with Hammer at the new California Pizza Kitchen on Park Avenue South. Hammer and I talked for a long time and she showed me the new draft of her dissertation prospectus that she had been working on over the weekend. Afterwards I had to head home to change quickly before my meeting-- I had been asked to "open" the meeting. After the meeting I bumped into a few guys who had been at the mental health institution where I had qualified and then chaired a few meetings. They were really excited to see me there.
"Hyde does a lot of service there," one of them told Meema.
It felt good... and strange.
Afterwards I had dinner with LashGirl and Civyl. I enjoyed making them laugh with my crazy stories, including the tale of how I met Narc. But at the same time, it felt strange. I miss the old Hyde. I still think I need her sometimes. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about all of this change. I'm trying to just "go with it," but it's confusing.
By Wednesday I was exhausted. I hadn't really had any rest over the weekend between cleaning my house, hosting a party and the emotional exhaustion of my fifth step. I woke up that morning with a cough and the chills and spent the entire day snuggled in my bed. I had strange dreams on and off throughout the afternoon.
That night, I had to head out to rehearse with my choir. It was that evening that I got the text from Narc. I felt sick... sick beyond belief. I felt paralyzed and excited and guilty and scared. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. All I can say is that I'm still "crazy about him." He literally makes me crazy. I just did my best to surround myself by support. After rehearsal I spoke to Cherubino and then NDN and then Stargazer and then I had a nice long catch-up with Liu.
I somehow managed not to answer the text. I don't know how... I don't know... But it certainly threw me out of orbit and I don't yet feel back to normal.
On Thursday I gave my last exam of the semester and then ran back to the doctor for some blood tests. At AA that night, I was filling in for both Meema and Stargazer with service commitments and it felt good to do service... it really did make me feel closer to everyone there and it helped to get my mind off my Narc-obsessing.
Friday was another day of rest for me. I felt sick-- Wednesday's sickness returned and I spent most of the day in bed, trying to grade papers here and there, but for the most part doing nothing. I watched The Picture of Dorian Gray--a 1945 movie with Angela Lansbury playing Sybil Vane! It was kind of wild. My favorite part? When Dorian frequents a 1945 version of a Victorian opium den. No drugs, of course-- just a dingy room with a man playing the Moonlight Sonata and foreign women coming on to him. It made me smile. I also finally put together the evite for my Rome themed party-- I'm going to have it in June at my mom's pool.
Yesterday was work, work, work for me. NDN came up to my place and studied for his GMAT and my mom came in to help me grade the multiple choice sections of the exams. We worked pretty much straight through the day.
Today I met B for lunch. We ate pinoy food-- I had tapsilog-- my favorite breakfast! Afterwards, he watched the Mets game over here while I cleaned the house. I was fighting with the computer all morning trying to restore my old iTunes playlists so I would still have Narc's lists. I lost them when I did the transfer to my new computer.
"Why don't you just email him and ask him for them?" B suggested. "This is such a waste of time!"
"You really think I should write to him?"
"Yeah, why not?"
B clearly did not get it. I pretended I didn't either.
"You really think so?" I asked again, convincing myself. "Okay... I will."
I drafted an email with some added "if it's not too much trouble" and "I hope you're well."
"Take that crap out," B advised.
"Okay."
I fixed up my letter. Here's what I was left with:
Hey--
I have a favor to ask you-- I recently switched over to a Mac and lost the playlists in my iTunes library. That includes a bunch of playlists that you gave me. I wanted to recreate them, but don't remember exactly what is on them. Would you mind sending me a listing of what you put on each of those playlists?
They are your "Oceans" soundtrack, and your Ambient, Lounge and Party mixes.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks.
Love,
Hyde
Afterwards I felt sick, sick, sick! I felt dizzy and just wanted to lay on the floor. B was shocked at my reaction. He didn't understand.
"It's just an email," he said. "Don't give in to the drama."
"Will you sing Carousel with me?" I asked.
He agreed. It helped.
Because I'm crazy, I made myself write a text to my sponsor:
Sent him an email. Found an excuse & did it. Want to pretend it didn't happen. Wanted to lie to you about it. There it is. I feel so much worse.
Finally, at around 3:00 PM he left. Just before he did, I checked my email. Narc had written back!
So you finally got the Mac eh? Good job indeed! No doubt you'll love that machine far more than you ever did the ol' PC, to be sure...
Text files attached, let me know if you have trouble opening and/or reading them.
How are things otherwise? (Conference etc?)
Narc
Well, I tried to resume normalcy, but I couldn't quite swing it. I just cleaned up and tried to breathe. Finally, ready to scream from being up in my own head (it's at moments like that I want a fucking drink!) I called NDN. He came up here and chatted me up while I made my bed. Then he went back to work.
As for me, I distracted myself a while longer and then wrote back:
They open, but are all scrambled to read. :( Is there any other way you could send them? Thanks. As for me-- things are going well.
love,
hyde
Anyway, that brings me up to the present. Some of the staff from Cheers are coming over to my roof in an hour or so for a Memorial Day barbecue. I told PumpedUp I would "host" so that they could use the space. I really don't feel like hanging out with them right now. I'm not in the best head space. Ugh. I wish so intensely for what I can't have. I wish I would just stop wishing!
Well.... that's it. Have a great holiday weekend.
Love,
h
Anyway, let's start with last week, I guess...
For the second half of the week I worked like a dog to finish my fourth step, write a paper and teach the last few classes before finals. On Saturday, I held a brunch to celebrate my first year of sobriety. I invited my immediate family and my closest friends both in and out of AA. Of course, having guests also means that I spent a good portion of the week cleaning up in preparation. Last Friday I went to see LilSis graduate from law school and that evening Bezoukhoff entertained me while I cleaned the house. I went to bed after midnight and woke up at 7:00 AM to keep at it.
LilSis was the first to arrive on Saturday morning (shortly followed by Hammer) and she helped me finish up by swiffering the floors while Hammer made a supermarket run. Finally, more and more guests began to arrive. It was such a great party. My house looked beautiful, my friends and family looked beautiful... and I felt (wait-- could it be?) happy! Yes, I was happy that day.
Hammer organized a little "speech" ceremony mid-brunch. She said the most kind and loving things about me. She also gave me a "sushi pillow." I'll have to post a picture of it. It was so sweet. NDN wrote me a poem (a "ditty!" It was amazing!) and a few others made speeches as well-- Meema, Cherubino, Leseco, my mom and BigSis. BigSis actually started to cry while she was speaking. My family is not all that openly emotional, so it was kind of strange and difficult to handle, but at the same time, I felt so proud of my accomplishment and so close to everyone. It was especially nice for me to have people from all of my different worlds there-- my family (including my stepfather and stepbrother) and my Columbia friends (GoldenFinch, her husband and BabyBird, Contessa and her fiancee, B, Jake, etc.) my friends from the grad school years (Hammer, Bezoukhoff, NDN, etc) and my AA friends.
Afterwards, my sponsor (Cherubino) stayed over while I did last minute work on my fourth step. We were set to begin my fifth step bright and early on Sunday morning! She read a book while I worked. Finally, exhausted after a very lovely day, I fell into bed.
On Sunday we were off and running. I never, ever imagined what the 5th step experience would be like. My fourth step was so "fearless, searching and thorough" that we spent 11 hours on Sunday reading the fifth step and didn't even get all of it done! We took two small half hour breaks--one to pick up sandwiches and coffee and another to make a run for dinner. Cherubino prepared a salad and put out the sushi for us while I kept going. I felt so drained... so outside of the framework of space and time... as if I had pulled ten "all-nighters," but was growing lighter and more exhausted with each additional hour. Finally, it was done. She hugged me at the end. It surprised me, although I'm not quite sure why. She told me that I would have to spend the next hour in contemplation and re-reading the first five steps. I took a shower which felt like an eternity and then collapsed into my bed, flopping down on my stomach.
The sky outside was an electric blue. The Chrysler building was an icy glowing white. Hanging beside it was a little yellow sliver of moon. I looked out the window, its bottom half fogging up from the shaking chill of the air conditioner. The world was quiet. And I felt grateful. I just soaked in the silence and said my thank you's and cried a little, although I didn't feel the tears at all.
The next morning I woke up to a world all the same and all different, off to administer the first exam of finals week. I caught a student cheating. He tried to give me every excuse in the book, but I held my own and refused to let it go just for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I hated it, but was proud of myself. Later on in the day I met Cherubino on the Upper West Side to finish up with the last of my "fears" list. We sat in Starbucks baking in the sun that streamed in from the West. At long last, we were done. I walked her to the subway. On the way we stopped in at Loehmann's and then at Urban Outfitters. Finally, she headed her way and I mine. I was off to my Monday night meditation meeting.
On Tuesday I woke up to give another exam followed by a trip to the doctor and then lunch with Hammer at the new California Pizza Kitchen on Park Avenue South. Hammer and I talked for a long time and she showed me the new draft of her dissertation prospectus that she had been working on over the weekend. Afterwards I had to head home to change quickly before my meeting-- I had been asked to "open" the meeting. After the meeting I bumped into a few guys who had been at the mental health institution where I had qualified and then chaired a few meetings. They were really excited to see me there.
"Hyde does a lot of service there," one of them told Meema.
It felt good... and strange.
Afterwards I had dinner with LashGirl and Civyl. I enjoyed making them laugh with my crazy stories, including the tale of how I met Narc. But at the same time, it felt strange. I miss the old Hyde. I still think I need her sometimes. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about all of this change. I'm trying to just "go with it," but it's confusing.
By Wednesday I was exhausted. I hadn't really had any rest over the weekend between cleaning my house, hosting a party and the emotional exhaustion of my fifth step. I woke up that morning with a cough and the chills and spent the entire day snuggled in my bed. I had strange dreams on and off throughout the afternoon.
That night, I had to head out to rehearse with my choir. It was that evening that I got the text from Narc. I felt sick... sick beyond belief. I felt paralyzed and excited and guilty and scared. I don't even know how to begin to describe it. All I can say is that I'm still "crazy about him." He literally makes me crazy. I just did my best to surround myself by support. After rehearsal I spoke to Cherubino and then NDN and then Stargazer and then I had a nice long catch-up with Liu.
I somehow managed not to answer the text. I don't know how... I don't know... But it certainly threw me out of orbit and I don't yet feel back to normal.
On Thursday I gave my last exam of the semester and then ran back to the doctor for some blood tests. At AA that night, I was filling in for both Meema and Stargazer with service commitments and it felt good to do service... it really did make me feel closer to everyone there and it helped to get my mind off my Narc-obsessing.
Friday was another day of rest for me. I felt sick-- Wednesday's sickness returned and I spent most of the day in bed, trying to grade papers here and there, but for the most part doing nothing. I watched The Picture of Dorian Gray--a 1945 movie with Angela Lansbury playing Sybil Vane! It was kind of wild. My favorite part? When Dorian frequents a 1945 version of a Victorian opium den. No drugs, of course-- just a dingy room with a man playing the Moonlight Sonata and foreign women coming on to him. It made me smile. I also finally put together the evite for my Rome themed party-- I'm going to have it in June at my mom's pool.
Yesterday was work, work, work for me. NDN came up to my place and studied for his GMAT and my mom came in to help me grade the multiple choice sections of the exams. We worked pretty much straight through the day.
Today I met B for lunch. We ate pinoy food-- I had tapsilog-- my favorite breakfast! Afterwards, he watched the Mets game over here while I cleaned the house. I was fighting with the computer all morning trying to restore my old iTunes playlists so I would still have Narc's lists. I lost them when I did the transfer to my new computer.
"Why don't you just email him and ask him for them?" B suggested. "This is such a waste of time!"
"You really think I should write to him?"
"Yeah, why not?"
B clearly did not get it. I pretended I didn't either.
"You really think so?" I asked again, convincing myself. "Okay... I will."
I drafted an email with some added "if it's not too much trouble" and "I hope you're well."
"Take that crap out," B advised.
"Okay."
I fixed up my letter. Here's what I was left with:
Hey--
I have a favor to ask you-- I recently switched over to a Mac and lost the playlists in my iTunes library. That includes a bunch of playlists that you gave me. I wanted to recreate them, but don't remember exactly what is on them. Would you mind sending me a listing of what you put on each of those playlists?
They are your "Oceans" soundtrack, and your Ambient, Lounge and Party mixes.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks.
Love,
Hyde
Afterwards I felt sick, sick, sick! I felt dizzy and just wanted to lay on the floor. B was shocked at my reaction. He didn't understand.
"It's just an email," he said. "Don't give in to the drama."
"Will you sing Carousel with me?" I asked.
He agreed. It helped.
Because I'm crazy, I made myself write a text to my sponsor:
Sent him an email. Found an excuse & did it. Want to pretend it didn't happen. Wanted to lie to you about it. There it is. I feel so much worse.
Finally, at around 3:00 PM he left. Just before he did, I checked my email. Narc had written back!
So you finally got the Mac eh? Good job indeed! No doubt you'll love that machine far more than you ever did the ol' PC, to be sure...
Text files attached, let me know if you have trouble opening and/or reading them.
How are things otherwise? (Conference etc?)
Narc
Well, I tried to resume normalcy, but I couldn't quite swing it. I just cleaned up and tried to breathe. Finally, ready to scream from being up in my own head (it's at moments like that I want a fucking drink!) I called NDN. He came up here and chatted me up while I made my bed. Then he went back to work.
As for me, I distracted myself a while longer and then wrote back:
They open, but are all scrambled to read. :( Is there any other way you could send them? Thanks. As for me-- things are going well.
love,
hyde
Anyway, that brings me up to the present. Some of the staff from Cheers are coming over to my roof in an hour or so for a Memorial Day barbecue. I told PumpedUp I would "host" so that they could use the space. I really don't feel like hanging out with them right now. I'm not in the best head space. Ugh. I wish so intensely for what I can't have. I wish I would just stop wishing!
Well.... that's it. Have a great holiday weekend.
Love,
h
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Hypnogogia
I've always had trouble with sleep.
My mom tells me that when I was little I used to have night terrors. Ever since I was seven or eight, I've struggled with insomnia. The hardest part is falling asleep-- I sometimes get the strange sensation of falling. Often, in that half asleep/half awake phase, I am filled with terror and aware of some presence and try to jerk myself out of it, which makes it hard to fall asleep afterwards. I'm scared to go back into that state. Just last week, I had a really bad episode in which I was in some sort of in-between sleep and I felt someone talking to me in my room (through the cable box, believe it or not!) and I wanted to wake up desperately, but couldn't pull myself out of the sleep. It was frightening. Also, lately I've been waking up with tingling in my hands. I've even had the occasional episode when I've been aware of someone in the room with me-- positive that it had to be a ghost or some kind of spirit, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe in those things.
I talked to my doctor about all of this earlier in the week. She said that I show signs of being a lucid dreamer. She also said that I might have the ability to "micro-dream" or fall into REM sleep too fast. But what I'm experiencing in that half-sleep state has a name... it's called "Hypnogogia." It's strange to have a name to put to it after all this time. Maybe I'm not seeing ghosts after all.
B swears that I am "closer to the dreamworld than most," as he put it. We were talking on the phone last night and he told me that he thinks I'm a "mystic" who doesn't know it. I thought that was funny, but kind of a romantic idea, so I won't object! He said that he senses a really strong "goddess" energy from me. I'm not sure what to make of that (as someone who frequently victimizes herself in her own life narrative). I certainly don't feel like a "goddess." But in any case, it was really sweet.
One time, we went together to see a psychic and she told me that I was a witch in a former life-- a healer of some kind. (Maybe Spins has some thoughts on the subject?) I wrote it off, or so I thought... I guess the idea stuck with me to some extent. I certainly don't think I have any "witching" abilities in this life, but I do have really strong intuitions, dreams, and memories of previous lives. Whether they're just invented, I can't say.
Anyway, that's it for now. I have to get back to grading papers. And one of these days I'm going to post the long update that's due... A lot has happened this week.
Hope you are all well!
love,
h
My mom tells me that when I was little I used to have night terrors. Ever since I was seven or eight, I've struggled with insomnia. The hardest part is falling asleep-- I sometimes get the strange sensation of falling. Often, in that half asleep/half awake phase, I am filled with terror and aware of some presence and try to jerk myself out of it, which makes it hard to fall asleep afterwards. I'm scared to go back into that state. Just last week, I had a really bad episode in which I was in some sort of in-between sleep and I felt someone talking to me in my room (through the cable box, believe it or not!) and I wanted to wake up desperately, but couldn't pull myself out of the sleep. It was frightening. Also, lately I've been waking up with tingling in my hands. I've even had the occasional episode when I've been aware of someone in the room with me-- positive that it had to be a ghost or some kind of spirit, even though I'm not entirely sure I believe in those things.
I talked to my doctor about all of this earlier in the week. She said that I show signs of being a lucid dreamer. She also said that I might have the ability to "micro-dream" or fall into REM sleep too fast. But what I'm experiencing in that half-sleep state has a name... it's called "Hypnogogia." It's strange to have a name to put to it after all this time. Maybe I'm not seeing ghosts after all.
B swears that I am "closer to the dreamworld than most," as he put it. We were talking on the phone last night and he told me that he thinks I'm a "mystic" who doesn't know it. I thought that was funny, but kind of a romantic idea, so I won't object! He said that he senses a really strong "goddess" energy from me. I'm not sure what to make of that (as someone who frequently victimizes herself in her own life narrative). I certainly don't feel like a "goddess." But in any case, it was really sweet.
One time, we went together to see a psychic and she told me that I was a witch in a former life-- a healer of some kind. (Maybe Spins has some thoughts on the subject?) I wrote it off, or so I thought... I guess the idea stuck with me to some extent. I certainly don't think I have any "witching" abilities in this life, but I do have really strong intuitions, dreams, and memories of previous lives. Whether they're just invented, I can't say.
Anyway, that's it for now. I have to get back to grading papers. And one of these days I'm going to post the long update that's due... A lot has happened this week.
Hope you are all well!
love,
h
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Roerich
The director of the Russian Choir I used to sing with called me this week. They are doing a production of Mascagni's Zanetto with MidAmerica Productions at Carnegie Hall. He asked if I wanted to sing with them-- it's only a few rehearsals and the concert is on June 4th. So, I agreed. They are currently rehearsing at the Nicholas Roerich museum, so that's where I was when the text from N came in.
This is my favorite painting at the museum. Roerich was one of those theosophists-- of the Madame Blavatsky crowd.
This is my favorite painting at the museum. Roerich was one of those theosophists-- of the Madame Blavatsky crowd.Anyway, I have a lot to update here, but I'm too exhausted and too shaken right now to do it. I need to drink some Perrier and lay in bed and watch some TV.
Then I need to try to remember that I live in reality now and it doesn't have to be that bad.
love,
h
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Blog, then delete...
I was sitting in choir practice at 8:18 PM when the following text arrived on my phone:
You psyched about the "Idol" results tonight? Picked Jordin as my horse several weeks ago, with Blake to come in second. Right so far...
I felt sick. I called my sponsor. I cried in the cab on my way home. I didn't watch the "Idol" results. I didn't text him back. And now that I've blogged it, I'm going to delete it from my phone.
Despite everything, I still love him.
h
You psyched about the "Idol" results tonight? Picked Jordin as my horse several weeks ago, with Blake to come in second. Right so far...
I felt sick. I called my sponsor. I cried in the cab on my way home. I didn't watch the "Idol" results. I didn't text him back. And now that I've blogged it, I'm going to delete it from my phone.
Despite everything, I still love him.
h
Friday, May 18, 2007
Celebrations
I've been cleaning my house for a few hours now and my hands are chapped from all the bleach. Why? You may ask... I'm having a million people over here tomorrow for a brunch to celebrate my anniversary.
But today was a day of celebrations too... LilSis graduated from law school!!! It was very exciting. She looked super-adorable in her robe with its hefty hood.
This week has been exhausting beyond belief for a whole slew of reasons. I'm not sure what happened to my blogging rhythm, but it's getting harder and harder to get myself to keep track of everything that happens. So much has changed since I started blogging... not just in my own life, but with my readers too. It seems that everyone is in a different place. Some people have disappeared altogether.
I wrote a paper on British taxation and handed it in on Wednesday. I did it in one afternoon at a cafe called "Grounded," sitting with Hammer while she read Simone de Beauvoir and we both took note of the dramatic weather. We ate lunch at the Corner Bistro. It reminded me of N (because of this day two years ago!) and I'm still not sure what to do with all of those feelings. It's like-- they just have nowhere to go.
Anyway, I'm too busy to dwell on it, really... I've been working my ass off for school and teaching and AA and I'm finally going to read my 5th Step on Sunday! I can't wait!!! I want my 4th step off my back already.
Well, that's it for now... I better get back to cleaning before I lose my momentum.
Oh-- and congrats to VJ! She has her Master's now! How masterful she is... :)
love,
Hyde
Oh-- PS: Spinster asked what my painting was about. It was a Jekyll and Hyde painting. It was about exorcising my past. The old, sick, self-destructive me is floating out of the new more serene me. If only it were all true, though... I still have to stop learning how to equate love with self destruction.
PPS: Do any of you besides me and Hammer watch Ugly Betty? I have a crush on Daniel. Ha ha... Too bad the season just ended. Not only is he "unavailable" because he's fictional, but now he's not even on TV anymore. Figures...
But today was a day of celebrations too... LilSis graduated from law school!!! It was very exciting. She looked super-adorable in her robe with its hefty hood.
This week has been exhausting beyond belief for a whole slew of reasons. I'm not sure what happened to my blogging rhythm, but it's getting harder and harder to get myself to keep track of everything that happens. So much has changed since I started blogging... not just in my own life, but with my readers too. It seems that everyone is in a different place. Some people have disappeared altogether.
I wrote a paper on British taxation and handed it in on Wednesday. I did it in one afternoon at a cafe called "Grounded," sitting with Hammer while she read Simone de Beauvoir and we both took note of the dramatic weather. We ate lunch at the Corner Bistro. It reminded me of N (because of this day two years ago!) and I'm still not sure what to do with all of those feelings. It's like-- they just have nowhere to go.
Anyway, I'm too busy to dwell on it, really... I've been working my ass off for school and teaching and AA and I'm finally going to read my 5th Step on Sunday! I can't wait!!! I want my 4th step off my back already.
Well, that's it for now... I better get back to cleaning before I lose my momentum.
Oh-- and congrats to VJ! She has her Master's now! How masterful she is... :)
love,
Hyde
Oh-- PS: Spinster asked what my painting was about. It was a Jekyll and Hyde painting. It was about exorcising my past. The old, sick, self-destructive me is floating out of the new more serene me. If only it were all true, though... I still have to stop learning how to equate love with self destruction.
PPS: Do any of you besides me and Hammer watch Ugly Betty? I have a crush on Daniel. Ha ha... Too bad the season just ended. Not only is he "unavailable" because he's fictional, but now he's not even on TV anymore. Figures...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Pretty Things with Hammer
I still don't like leaving anything Narc-related up as my last post... Guess it's still too hard for me to confront. So, I'm going to post some pictures! A few pics from the day Hammer and I went to see the cherry blossoms, and one picture of a watercolor I made at Hammer's house. Enjoy!
The Man of my Dreams
Dream-O-Meter...
I had a really strange dream just before I woke up this morning. I don't have time to write it all out now, but I have to say something before I forget it all...
I dreamed that Narc finally called me. He wanted to meet me for lunch. I was thrilled and overwhelmed.
"I've missed you so much," he said. "I was wrong not to call you. And I want to see you."
I agreed to meet him, but for some reason we had to go for lunch with BigSis as well and some other people (I can't remember who else was there.)
The restaurant we chose was on top of an enormous hill. Narc met us on the bottom. He gave me the longest hug when I saw him. I buried my head between his neck and shoulder.
"I don't ever want to leave this kweba," I said.
(That's really strange, I have to note, because that's something I used to say to B. "Kweba" means "cave" in Tagalog.)
"I don't want you to either he said," laughing at me and kissing my hair.
We started to walk up the hill. My sister and the others were ahead of us and Narc lagged behind to talk to me. (Something he would NEVER have done in real life!)
"I have to say, I'm confused," he began.
"About what?"
"About marriage. I want to marry PopStarChick, but she doesn't want to marry. She looked at me square in the eye and told me that she's in no rush."
In my dream, I was crestfallen. He didn't want to be with me. But I swallowed it down and tried to give him the friendliest advice possible.
"It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, Narc. Maybe she just needs more time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She's very young. I didn't know what I wanted at that age."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed. "I wanted to buy her a ring, but I guess I have to return it."
(Again, this is strange because I was having a conversation with B yesterday about wedding jitters, etc. and I was trying my best to be very encouraging about his relationship with Drippy.)
A woman from my AA group was walking up the hill behind us.
"Hi, Hyde!" she said. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"
"Oh... um, yeah-- this is Narc," I said.
It turns out we were going to the same restaurant. The walk up the hill was talking forever and I was exhausted. I didn't want the woman from AA to eavesdrop on any more of my conversation with Narc.
"Really, the reason why I wanted to see you," he began again, "is that I'm moving."
"What???"
"Yeah. I'm moving to San Jose. I don't think PopStar wants to come with me, but I just need to get out of New York."
I felt panicked in the dream... panicked to lose him, but again, I tried my best not to let on.
"Of course you can come out and visit," he said. "I knew you'd be sad, so I wanted to tell you in person."
(Again, this Narc is CLEARLY not based on any reality).
When we finally got to the restaurant, I was frustrated to have to share that emotional moment with BigSis and the others who were sitting at the table. I wanted to cry and throw my arms around Narc, but I didn't want to make a display in front of the others. Narc was sitting next to me and sensed that something was wrong.
"Come here," he said, pulling my head down onto his chest.
His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and I could feel some of his chest hairs against my cheek. He was rubbing my head to soothe me. Then he started to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"She likes that," he said to my sister.
"Shh..." he tried to soothe me. "You can just stay here on dib dib."
(Again, this is like B-- he used to tuck my hair behind my ear affectionately all the time, and "dib dib" is a word for "chest.")
"San Jose? Really?" I whispered. "Won't you miss New York?"
I started to think about following him to San Jose. Would it be viable?
And then I woke up.
I'm a little freaked out by the blending of B and Narc in that dream. Which of them was it supposed to be?
I still miss Narc so much...
So much.
love,
h
I had a really strange dream just before I woke up this morning. I don't have time to write it all out now, but I have to say something before I forget it all...
I dreamed that Narc finally called me. He wanted to meet me for lunch. I was thrilled and overwhelmed.
"I've missed you so much," he said. "I was wrong not to call you. And I want to see you."
I agreed to meet him, but for some reason we had to go for lunch with BigSis as well and some other people (I can't remember who else was there.)
The restaurant we chose was on top of an enormous hill. Narc met us on the bottom. He gave me the longest hug when I saw him. I buried my head between his neck and shoulder.
"I don't ever want to leave this kweba," I said.
(That's really strange, I have to note, because that's something I used to say to B. "Kweba" means "cave" in Tagalog.)
"I don't want you to either he said," laughing at me and kissing my hair.
We started to walk up the hill. My sister and the others were ahead of us and Narc lagged behind to talk to me. (Something he would NEVER have done in real life!)
"I have to say, I'm confused," he began.
"About what?"
"About marriage. I want to marry PopStarChick, but she doesn't want to marry. She looked at me square in the eye and told me that she's in no rush."
In my dream, I was crestfallen. He didn't want to be with me. But I swallowed it down and tried to give him the friendliest advice possible.
"It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, Narc. Maybe she just needs more time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She's very young. I didn't know what I wanted at that age."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed. "I wanted to buy her a ring, but I guess I have to return it."
(Again, this is strange because I was having a conversation with B yesterday about wedding jitters, etc. and I was trying my best to be very encouraging about his relationship with Drippy.)
A woman from my AA group was walking up the hill behind us.
"Hi, Hyde!" she said. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"
"Oh... um, yeah-- this is Narc," I said.
It turns out we were going to the same restaurant. The walk up the hill was talking forever and I was exhausted. I didn't want the woman from AA to eavesdrop on any more of my conversation with Narc.
"Really, the reason why I wanted to see you," he began again, "is that I'm moving."
"What???"
"Yeah. I'm moving to San Jose. I don't think PopStar wants to come with me, but I just need to get out of New York."
I felt panicked in the dream... panicked to lose him, but again, I tried my best not to let on.
"Of course you can come out and visit," he said. "I knew you'd be sad, so I wanted to tell you in person."
(Again, this Narc is CLEARLY not based on any reality).
When we finally got to the restaurant, I was frustrated to have to share that emotional moment with BigSis and the others who were sitting at the table. I wanted to cry and throw my arms around Narc, but I didn't want to make a display in front of the others. Narc was sitting next to me and sensed that something was wrong.
"Come here," he said, pulling my head down onto his chest.
His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and I could feel some of his chest hairs against my cheek. He was rubbing my head to soothe me. Then he started to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"She likes that," he said to my sister.
"Shh..." he tried to soothe me. "You can just stay here on dib dib."
(Again, this is like B-- he used to tuck my hair behind my ear affectionately all the time, and "dib dib" is a word for "chest.")
"San Jose? Really?" I whispered. "Won't you miss New York?"
I started to think about following him to San Jose. Would it be viable?
And then I woke up.
I'm a little freaked out by the blending of B and Narc in that dream. Which of them was it supposed to be?
I still miss Narc so much...
So much.
love,
h
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The Rich Mundane
It's been quite a week. As you all know, on Tuesday I celebrated my anniversary with my home group. On Wednesday, the actual day, I went back to the place where I did outpatient and went to the AA meeting there. The meeting chair asked me to come back and speak. Later in the afternoon I went to see Spiderman 3 with B.
On Thursday, after teaching, I went up to see a diabetes specialist at Columbia Presbyterian with my mom. I have a lot to think about in that department, but I don't really want to process all of it here on the blog.
That night, I got my one-year coin at my home-group's meeting. It felt really good. Afterwards, I came back and made shrimp and linguine in white clam sauce (inspired by the many varieties of clam sauce I've had a la NDN) and I dined with Bezoukhoff and StarGazer. It was so much fun. We laughed about some of my "dramatic" writing from earlier years and we all watch a few episodes of Season 1 of Rome. I forgot that there's a naked Mark Antony shower scene. I was happy...
On Friday I met Hammer for some delicious pinkberry and then headed over to therapy. My therapist told me that I should re-read Dostoevsky. I asked him why. He said because I want to "aestheticize my life." I liked the suggestion, whether or not it will prove fruitful. Afterwards I met Hammer at Borders and picked up a copy of The Brothers Karamazov which I have since started to read. I forgot how much I like to read novels.
Afterwards Hammer and I walked back to my place in the disgustingly humid weather. We bumped into PumpedUp on the street.
That night, I met NDN to go to synagogue. We went to a place that neither of us has been before. We sat with a girl who lives on the 10th floor of our building. Afterwards, NDN took me out to dinner at The Palm! We ate lamb chops and ENORMOUS crab legs and creamed spinach and potatoes and had clams casino for an appetizer. We both agreed that we loved the maitre-d' and we were brainstorming ways on how to become friends with him.
After that, we bummed around my apartment for a while, but I was exhausted and needed to get to sleep.
On Saturday I woke up bright and early to head out to Long Island for a "bridal makeup" workshop that my mom signed us up for. It was bizarre on many levels. For one thing, the woman teaching us what colors to use and how to best compliment our skin tone, etc. had the most awful bleached blond white hair on a very orange complexion with darkly lined lips. I didn't have too much confidence in her, but I did learn a few things about how to keep makeup holding up for hours. Given that I'm a makeup artist extraordinaire (at least I like to think so), it's a good thing to know...
After that, BigSis went home, but I went back to my mom's to do LilSis' makeup for her friend's wedding that night. (BigSis' car had been vandalized and she had to pick it up from the shop.) JBC, my mom and I ate eggplant rollatini for lunch. Then my mom drove me back to the train and I happily read Karamozov on my way home.
There's more to say... for example, why I'm annoyed at my sponsor and all about Mother's day, but I have to go. I poured out a bottle of carrot oil into my hair and it's starting to drip down my neck. I have to go jump into the shower before it makes a mess.
Oh-- and in terms of Narc's birthday? I did call and leave a message. But it was a fairly neutral message. Now that's it for me. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm not going to contact him again... (At least not unless he contacts me first and I don't see that happening any time soon).
I hate transition, but I guess it's just a fact of life, n'est pas?
Love,
H
On Thursday, after teaching, I went up to see a diabetes specialist at Columbia Presbyterian with my mom. I have a lot to think about in that department, but I don't really want to process all of it here on the blog.
That night, I got my one-year coin at my home-group's meeting. It felt really good. Afterwards, I came back and made shrimp and linguine in white clam sauce (inspired by the many varieties of clam sauce I've had a la NDN) and I dined with Bezoukhoff and StarGazer. It was so much fun. We laughed about some of my "dramatic" writing from earlier years and we all watch a few episodes of Season 1 of Rome. I forgot that there's a naked Mark Antony shower scene. I was happy...
On Friday I met Hammer for some delicious pinkberry and then headed over to therapy. My therapist told me that I should re-read Dostoevsky. I asked him why. He said because I want to "aestheticize my life." I liked the suggestion, whether or not it will prove fruitful. Afterwards I met Hammer at Borders and picked up a copy of The Brothers Karamazov which I have since started to read. I forgot how much I like to read novels.
Afterwards Hammer and I walked back to my place in the disgustingly humid weather. We bumped into PumpedUp on the street.
That night, I met NDN to go to synagogue. We went to a place that neither of us has been before. We sat with a girl who lives on the 10th floor of our building. Afterwards, NDN took me out to dinner at The Palm! We ate lamb chops and ENORMOUS crab legs and creamed spinach and potatoes and had clams casino for an appetizer. We both agreed that we loved the maitre-d' and we were brainstorming ways on how to become friends with him.
After that, we bummed around my apartment for a while, but I was exhausted and needed to get to sleep.
On Saturday I woke up bright and early to head out to Long Island for a "bridal makeup" workshop that my mom signed us up for. It was bizarre on many levels. For one thing, the woman teaching us what colors to use and how to best compliment our skin tone, etc. had the most awful bleached blond white hair on a very orange complexion with darkly lined lips. I didn't have too much confidence in her, but I did learn a few things about how to keep makeup holding up for hours. Given that I'm a makeup artist extraordinaire (at least I like to think so), it's a good thing to know...
After that, BigSis went home, but I went back to my mom's to do LilSis' makeup for her friend's wedding that night. (BigSis' car had been vandalized and she had to pick it up from the shop.) JBC, my mom and I ate eggplant rollatini for lunch. Then my mom drove me back to the train and I happily read Karamozov on my way home.
There's more to say... for example, why I'm annoyed at my sponsor and all about Mother's day, but I have to go. I poured out a bottle of carrot oil into my hair and it's starting to drip down my neck. I have to go jump into the shower before it makes a mess.
Oh-- and in terms of Narc's birthday? I did call and leave a message. But it was a fairly neutral message. Now that's it for me. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm not going to contact him again... (At least not unless he contacts me first and I don't see that happening any time soon).
I hate transition, but I guess it's just a fact of life, n'est pas?
Love,
H
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I Did It!
One year down, the rest of my life to go... Okay... I'll stick to one day at a time.
But, I did it!!! I can't believe I did it! 365 days without a drink... Fucking unbelievable.
I just got back from celebrating with my home group. BigSis came and so did Hammer. Hammer just helped me arrange the armfuls of flowers I came home with. A little different from our antics a year ago...
Life is confusing. But, I did it... And nothing can take that away from me.
love,
h
But, I did it!!! I can't believe I did it! 365 days without a drink... Fucking unbelievable.
I just got back from celebrating with my home group. BigSis came and so did Hammer. Hammer just helped me arrange the armfuls of flowers I came home with. A little different from our antics a year ago...
Life is confusing. But, I did it... And nothing can take that away from me.
love,
h
Monday, May 7, 2007
A Day in the Life
I love life on life's terms. I really do.
Today is the seventeenth anniversary of when my dad died. I lost my office keys and was locked out this morning. I couldn't check my email. I taught a class about the "discovery" of the New World and felt white bourgeois guilt at not being able to cover the history of the native civilizations. Then when I got home, my computer crashed.
Luckily, Dan's friends are in the business of saving lives when computers crash, so I called them and they're coming to salvage my hard-drive on Wednesday.
In the afternoon I met Hammer in SoHo. She came with me to the Apple Store. My stomach shot through with pain being there, as it all reminded me too much of Narc, but I bought a computer and it is beautiful. I love it.
Afterwards, Hammer and I ate lunch at a bar/cafe where I once met TT for a date and where Hammer's friend sat and wrote her wedding vows. Hammer helped me carry the computer to a cab, but a bunch of obnoxious girls stole the first cab. Hammer wanted to give them the finger, but sort of chickened out at the last minute.
When I got home, I figured out how to video conference with Hammer and we three-way chatted with the Alaskan and then I had a brief video conference with the Alaskan. I got to show him my enormous Mark Antony poster.
Then I went to my meeting-- a meditation meeting. Everyone was approaching me with hugs and smiles for my upcoming anniversary. When I saw Pilman, I asked him about Brick.
"Have you seen him around?" I asked. "Is he still sober."
"He is," he said.
I can't help but think about Brick these days. Something about that relationship got to me in a really primal way.
So, after meeting with my sponsor briefly, as I walked home, I decided to call him. I remembered that his 90 days were approaching and I left him a message telling him that I am proud of him and can't think of my one year anniversary without thinking of him. Then I went to pick up Chinese food.
Waiting for my order, my phone rang. It was Brick. I hadn't spoken to him in months. It was great to hear his voice. I think I understand now... I understand that he can't be what I wanted him to be and I can't expect it of him. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I told him to come to my anniversary watch. He said that he had texted me back when I wrote to him a week or two ago. I never got the text. Ah, the snags in modern communication!
And that's that. I'm going to eat my Chinese food now. And then I'm going to sleep. Perhaps I'll rest a little easier tonight knowing that my father can finally rest in peace. What killed him and what killed his father and what killed probably countless others of my ancestors is not going to kill me. I stopped it. Today was sad and today was glad and today was frustrating and today was happily surprising. It was just life.
A long, long time ago (back in December, '05) I wrote a post about an adventure that NDN and I were seeking one weekend. It prompted a discussion about "adventure" and NDN asked Mr. Mystic what he considered an adventure to be. Mr Mystic replied:
NDN, the simplest way for me to describe my Idea of an Adventure, would be in the dictionary form, “an unusual, exiting, and daring experience. Have I had any? I am in one right now it’s called Life.
I think I finally understand what he means...
love,
h
Today is the seventeenth anniversary of when my dad died. I lost my office keys and was locked out this morning. I couldn't check my email. I taught a class about the "discovery" of the New World and felt white bourgeois guilt at not being able to cover the history of the native civilizations. Then when I got home, my computer crashed.
Luckily, Dan's friends are in the business of saving lives when computers crash, so I called them and they're coming to salvage my hard-drive on Wednesday.
In the afternoon I met Hammer in SoHo. She came with me to the Apple Store. My stomach shot through with pain being there, as it all reminded me too much of Narc, but I bought a computer and it is beautiful. I love it.
Afterwards, Hammer and I ate lunch at a bar/cafe where I once met TT for a date and where Hammer's friend sat and wrote her wedding vows. Hammer helped me carry the computer to a cab, but a bunch of obnoxious girls stole the first cab. Hammer wanted to give them the finger, but sort of chickened out at the last minute.
When I got home, I figured out how to video conference with Hammer and we three-way chatted with the Alaskan and then I had a brief video conference with the Alaskan. I got to show him my enormous Mark Antony poster.
Then I went to my meeting-- a meditation meeting. Everyone was approaching me with hugs and smiles for my upcoming anniversary. When I saw Pilman, I asked him about Brick.
"Have you seen him around?" I asked. "Is he still sober."
"He is," he said.
I can't help but think about Brick these days. Something about that relationship got to me in a really primal way.
So, after meeting with my sponsor briefly, as I walked home, I decided to call him. I remembered that his 90 days were approaching and I left him a message telling him that I am proud of him and can't think of my one year anniversary without thinking of him. Then I went to pick up Chinese food.
Waiting for my order, my phone rang. It was Brick. I hadn't spoken to him in months. It was great to hear his voice. I think I understand now... I understand that he can't be what I wanted him to be and I can't expect it of him. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I told him to come to my anniversary watch. He said that he had texted me back when I wrote to him a week or two ago. I never got the text. Ah, the snags in modern communication!
And that's that. I'm going to eat my Chinese food now. And then I'm going to sleep. Perhaps I'll rest a little easier tonight knowing that my father can finally rest in peace. What killed him and what killed his father and what killed probably countless others of my ancestors is not going to kill me. I stopped it. Today was sad and today was glad and today was frustrating and today was happily surprising. It was just life.
A long, long time ago (back in December, '05) I wrote a post about an adventure that NDN and I were seeking one weekend. It prompted a discussion about "adventure" and NDN asked Mr. Mystic what he considered an adventure to be. Mr Mystic replied:
NDN, the simplest way for me to describe my Idea of an Adventure, would be in the dictionary form, “an unusual, exiting, and daring experience. Have I had any? I am in one right now it’s called Life.
I think I finally understand what he means...
love,
h
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Cherry Blossom Blue
Today was a full and beautiful day. I slept in (for once!) and then met BigSis for lunch in Madison Square Park. I love that our relationship is changing every day and that we're still getting closer. She said to me the other day that she and I share a closeness that she doesn't have with anyone else in the world. It's because we pretty much grew up as twins.
After that, I went to therapy. It was a rewarding session. He helped me see that a lot of what I've been obsessing about this week has been about distracting myself from the guilt I've been feeling about my upcoming anniversary. "Survivor's Guilt" is what he called it. And it doesn't help that my anniversary is only two days after the anniversary of my dad's death. It's quite a week...
From there I headed downtown to meet Hammer for our third attempt at the cherry blossoms in Brooklyn. Our first try was on Sunday, but we were turned off by the crowds. Our second attempt was on Wednesday, but we were deterred by the gray skies and chilly weather. Today was perfect-- a cherry blossom blue sky and none of the weekend crowds!
The blossoms were absolutely beautiful. We stretched out on the lawn and painted with Hammer's water colors. A chubby blond three year old approached and wanted to play with our paints. He wanted to paint a "blue warthog." Needless to say, the warthog never fully materialized. I named my painting "sakura" in honor of both the blossoms and the creepy Japanese song by the same name that I used to play on the piano. Oh-- and I did manage to get a little work in on my Fourth Step.
Anyway, after that, we were "spit out" of the gardens into some random Brooklyn neighborhood (as Hammer put it). But we managed to find the subway and took it to Atlantic Avenue from where we walked to Juniors for dinner and cheesecake. On the way back to the city Hammer drew me a really funny picture of something inappropriate for the blog (something that we agreed never to mention again!). And from there it was back to her place to bum around and watch Ugly Betty and The Daily Show. I did a little more work on my Fourth Step and Hammer regaled me with stories from previous blog entries.
After that, I headed uptown to celebrate the one year anniversary of my friend BA. When I got to the diner, I felt like I had entered into some sort of dream world. There were so many people there and so much energy. It was hard to switch into that kind of social mode, coming straight out of "self-reflection" and "tv-mode" with Hammer. I sat with LashGirl and made her laugh by singing "Someday My Prince Will Come" with a 1930's warble in my voice. I also hung out with Pixie, Meema and a few others. BA spoke about his experiences this year just before midnight. It was really moving. Everyone smiled at me and said "You're next!" I didn't quite know what to do with the attention. I've been feeling down on myself lately and not really wanting people to look at me.
In any case, I headed home at around 12:15 AM. As I was about to get into the cab, some guy on his bike nearly slammed into the cab door. Then, the cab driver asked me if I thought his cab smelled like urine. I said "no." He said I was a nice girl and asked where my family was from. We ended up getting in a long discussion about how my parents met.
TT had left me a message earlier in the evening that he would be at Cheers. I should have headed straight home (as I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety and I have been having a lot of feelings I don't know how to deal with) but I stopped into Cheers anyway. He was really happy to see me. I really don't understand why he likes me. Maybe I should stop trying to understand. It's flattering, though, that he still does... BarMan was there and told me that he quit drinking for 16 days as a "cleanse" and that he lost 15 lbs. That's a little crazy. ThursdayGirl was there too. PumpedUp was the most happy to see me.
"You're just the girl I've been looking for!" he exclaimed.
"What... why?" I asked.
He asked me if I would be willing to host a little BBQ party for the Cheers staff on my roof. I told him "of course." They needed a nice place outdoors and nearby. PumpedUp has certainly done enough for me over the years that it's my pleasure to do something nice for him.
In any case, at around 1:00, I told TT that I had to head home. I have a women's meeting I want to go to in the morning, and I already feel the insomnia creeping up, certainly not helped by the fact that I've had about 10 diet cokes since 11:00 PM.
But overall, it was a beautiful day. ThursdayGirl smiled when I told her my year was approaching.
"Are you happy?" she asked.
I wanted to say no. I assumed the answer was no. But that's not true. I was happy-ish today... happy in some ways. And being happy in some ways is the same as being sad in some ways. Neither one should be the only way I define myself.
"I am happy," I told her.
"Last time you saw Narc?"
"February 26th."
"And your last drink?"
"May 9th of last year!"
"I'm so proud of you," she smiled.
I'm loathe to say it. I'm really loathe to say it... but I'm proud of me too. I never thought I could do it. But perhaps, this is just the beginning.
love,
h
After that, I went to therapy. It was a rewarding session. He helped me see that a lot of what I've been obsessing about this week has been about distracting myself from the guilt I've been feeling about my upcoming anniversary. "Survivor's Guilt" is what he called it. And it doesn't help that my anniversary is only two days after the anniversary of my dad's death. It's quite a week...
From there I headed downtown to meet Hammer for our third attempt at the cherry blossoms in Brooklyn. Our first try was on Sunday, but we were turned off by the crowds. Our second attempt was on Wednesday, but we were deterred by the gray skies and chilly weather. Today was perfect-- a cherry blossom blue sky and none of the weekend crowds!
The blossoms were absolutely beautiful. We stretched out on the lawn and painted with Hammer's water colors. A chubby blond three year old approached and wanted to play with our paints. He wanted to paint a "blue warthog." Needless to say, the warthog never fully materialized. I named my painting "sakura" in honor of both the blossoms and the creepy Japanese song by the same name that I used to play on the piano. Oh-- and I did manage to get a little work in on my Fourth Step.
Anyway, after that, we were "spit out" of the gardens into some random Brooklyn neighborhood (as Hammer put it). But we managed to find the subway and took it to Atlantic Avenue from where we walked to Juniors for dinner and cheesecake. On the way back to the city Hammer drew me a really funny picture of something inappropriate for the blog (something that we agreed never to mention again!). And from there it was back to her place to bum around and watch Ugly Betty and The Daily Show. I did a little more work on my Fourth Step and Hammer regaled me with stories from previous blog entries.
After that, I headed uptown to celebrate the one year anniversary of my friend BA. When I got to the diner, I felt like I had entered into some sort of dream world. There were so many people there and so much energy. It was hard to switch into that kind of social mode, coming straight out of "self-reflection" and "tv-mode" with Hammer. I sat with LashGirl and made her laugh by singing "Someday My Prince Will Come" with a 1930's warble in my voice. I also hung out with Pixie, Meema and a few others. BA spoke about his experiences this year just before midnight. It was really moving. Everyone smiled at me and said "You're next!" I didn't quite know what to do with the attention. I've been feeling down on myself lately and not really wanting people to look at me.
In any case, I headed home at around 12:15 AM. As I was about to get into the cab, some guy on his bike nearly slammed into the cab door. Then, the cab driver asked me if I thought his cab smelled like urine. I said "no." He said I was a nice girl and asked where my family was from. We ended up getting in a long discussion about how my parents met.
TT had left me a message earlier in the evening that he would be at Cheers. I should have headed straight home (as I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety and I have been having a lot of feelings I don't know how to deal with) but I stopped into Cheers anyway. He was really happy to see me. I really don't understand why he likes me. Maybe I should stop trying to understand. It's flattering, though, that he still does... BarMan was there and told me that he quit drinking for 16 days as a "cleanse" and that he lost 15 lbs. That's a little crazy. ThursdayGirl was there too. PumpedUp was the most happy to see me.
"You're just the girl I've been looking for!" he exclaimed.
"What... why?" I asked.
He asked me if I would be willing to host a little BBQ party for the Cheers staff on my roof. I told him "of course." They needed a nice place outdoors and nearby. PumpedUp has certainly done enough for me over the years that it's my pleasure to do something nice for him.
In any case, at around 1:00, I told TT that I had to head home. I have a women's meeting I want to go to in the morning, and I already feel the insomnia creeping up, certainly not helped by the fact that I've had about 10 diet cokes since 11:00 PM.
But overall, it was a beautiful day. ThursdayGirl smiled when I told her my year was approaching.
"Are you happy?" she asked.
I wanted to say no. I assumed the answer was no. But that's not true. I was happy-ish today... happy in some ways. And being happy in some ways is the same as being sad in some ways. Neither one should be the only way I define myself.
"I am happy," I told her.
"Last time you saw Narc?"
"February 26th."
"And your last drink?"
"May 9th of last year!"
"I'm so proud of you," she smiled.
I'm loathe to say it. I'm really loathe to say it... but I'm proud of me too. I never thought I could do it. But perhaps, this is just the beginning.
love,
h
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Maxima Enim, Patientia Virtus
There is a fierce lightning storm outside right now. I love it when the weather gets intense.
I just read an email from my friend NiS. He's living in Paris right now. He said he's been reading through my "Ghosts of Hyde" blog. I'm glad that he wrote to me. I'm thinking about what he said. And I have a lot of feelings right now... they're all sort of hovering above me and I can't quite make any of them out.
I'm just glad for the lightning.
The blinds are pulled down in my living room, but I can still peek through the bottom of one window and watch the blurred tail-lights of the traffic dripping down second avenue. The cars are darting about, like little neon fish in a tank.
I made a decision to do something today that I think is going to change things. But I can't do it just yet... so I'm not going to talk about it. I need to be patient.
"In God's time, not your time," as my sponsor would say.
"Patience is a virtue."
I'm just grateful for the terrifying thunder.
I have a new fantasy, as I told Hammer the other day-- I want to marry a tattooed timpani player.
love,
h
I just read an email from my friend NiS. He's living in Paris right now. He said he's been reading through my "Ghosts of Hyde" blog. I'm glad that he wrote to me. I'm thinking about what he said. And I have a lot of feelings right now... they're all sort of hovering above me and I can't quite make any of them out.
I'm just glad for the lightning.
The blinds are pulled down in my living room, but I can still peek through the bottom of one window and watch the blurred tail-lights of the traffic dripping down second avenue. The cars are darting about, like little neon fish in a tank.
I made a decision to do something today that I think is going to change things. But I can't do it just yet... so I'm not going to talk about it. I need to be patient.
"In God's time, not your time," as my sponsor would say.
"Patience is a virtue."
I'm just grateful for the terrifying thunder.
I have a new fantasy, as I told Hammer the other day-- I want to marry a tattooed timpani player.
love,
h
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