To Make a Long Story Short...

I haven't posted in nearly a week! Maybe it's because I'm sick. Maybe it's because I've been busy... In any case, I'd figure I'd try to write something today...

I never told you about that "date" with TT, did I? I met him after class last Wednesday at the new pub where IrishBird is working. A few of the regulars from Cheers were there-- Manwich, the bouncer, Shay and her sister, etc. Anyway, we ate dinner, sang a few tunes (it was karaoke night) and I decided to take off at around 11:00.

All throughout the dinner, TT was doing little things, like brushing up against my leg, but overall, it wasn't bad. Then he walked me to get a cab. The conversation was as stiff and awkward as ever and as we stood there, staring down Sixth Avenue, the wind in our eyes, not a cab was in sight. We waited... awkwardly... awkwardly... and then he broke the silence.

"I think the universe is trying to send me a message," he said.

"Oh? What's that?"

"That I should kiss you."

He leaned down and did just that.

I wasn't quite sure what to do, as I didn't want to kiss him, nor did I want to repel him. So, I was moderately pliable. Afterwards, I didn't say anything. I think that made the "awkwardness" even worse, so he tried to fix it up by kissing me again, but that did nothing to improve the situation. I again didn't say anything, instead peering forward into the traffic scanning for a cab.

"I didn't mean to maul you," he stammered apologetically.

"Oh, not at all!" I laughed. "I could have fended you off if it was 'mauling.'"

He laughed, but as if he didn't want to. Again, neither of us said another word. Finally, I broke the silence.

"Maybe I'll take the bus," I suggested. "It's not a long walk from here to 42nd."

"Okay," he agreed.

It was good to have something to do-- walking towards a goal.

TT was carrying a bag from "Midtown Comics."

"What's in the bag?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

The answer was two comic book figurines and two comic magazines. He showed me the figurines.

"This Superman looks kind of mad," I said.

"Yeah, he's an evil futuristic superman," he explained.

"So.... comic magazines?" I continued. "Are those comic books themselves, or are they magazines about comic books?"

(As you can see, the conversation was like pulling teeth!)

"No, they're actual comics!" he pulled them from the bag to show me. I feigned interest.

When we got to the bus stop, there were a few little old ladies standing about, clasping theater programs-- we were near the theater district and the evening shows must have just let out. The only problem? No bus in sight.

We waited and waited and waited.

"Why is it so hard to get home tonight?" I finally exclaimed in frustration. "Maybe I'll just walk."

"We've only been here seven minutes," he said.

"Really? I don't know why it seems like so much longer. Probably because I'm so tired. Yeah-- sorry I'm being cranky. I'm just really tired."

"Awww... that's okay," he said. "If you need to rest, you can rest on me."

He put his arm around me and pulled my head onto his chest. TT is about 6'4" so it was height appropriate. I was really tired. And it did feel good to be resting on someones chest. But, then I started to think... there were the voices again.

Hyde!?!, They were calling. Why are you standing on 42nd Street with your head on some man's chest?!?! And what about Narc?

Ugh! I just wanted to get home. I peeled myself out of his embrace and nervously looked for the bus once more. I think he could tell I was growing tense. He pulled me back onto his chest. I closed my eyes again.

"Wait-- over there!" his voice was a sharp intrusion-- a moment of reason, penetrating through my detached and spinning thoughts.

"What?"

"A cab! On the other side."

"I don't think we can get it," I said. "I'll just walk."

"No! We can! Take my hand."

I grabbed onto TT's hand as if we were Jack and Rose on the sinking Titanic and he made a mad rush into the crosstown traffic, pulling me along behind him until we arrived, breathlessly at the door of the cab heading (of course) the wrong way into the night.

TT put me in the cab. He tried to hastily grab one last kiss, which didn't really work, and I was off.

And that was that.

And that night I missed Narc more than ever.

Anyway... as for the rest of the week?

On Thursday I had a special treat in the afternoon-- GoldenFinch was going to be in the city with her husband and BabyBird! I told her that NiS was in town, so the whole bunch of us (plus Anxious) met up near Columbia at Cafe Pertutti. And I have to say-- I have a new love in my life-- BabyBird! He is the most beautiful, perfect baby ever. I love him!!! It was a little surreal to be back up in that neighborhood all together. I really felt the weight of how much time has passed.

From there I rushed off to AA. I was happy to see Meema because I had a present for her-- a silver and gold hand-made pendant that I got her for her anniversary. After AA, I went out with a few of the ladies to celebrate LashGirl's six-month anniversary. I was still feeling insecure about what StarGazer had told me about the previous weekend (that a lot of the girls were gossiping) but that night, I talked to StarGazer on the phone and she assured me that it had nothing to do with me. Phew!

That night, I started to feel run down. My back was aching and I was exhausted beyond belief. So, it was home and to bed with a new episode of Ugly Betty. (By the way-- my sister won't get over the fact that I once said that I loved Betty and Daniel's relationship. "Now I know why you have problems with men!" she keeps telling me.)

Friday was a particularly busy day. I met StarGazer for coffee at noon and we went to a midtown meeting. Afterwards I had to rush off to therapy. Even though I didn't manage to bring up my discomfort with the hypnosis stuff from the previous week, it was a good session. From there, I headed immediately to my voice lesson. I enjoyed the lesson, but not as much as I usually do, as my low energy was clear and holding my body in place to sing felt like a bit of a strain.

After that, I went home to pretty myself for a big event-- Meema's one year anniversary watch! My home group has a tradition of meeting the night before each member's one year anniversary to "watch" that person bring in the year. We always meet at the same diner and it's from 9:00 PM - midnight. I couldn't believe it was time for Meema's year already!!!

I got there right around 9:00. She had saved me a seat next to her husband. Talis was there, of course, which was a little uncomfortable for me. But I just hung out with my friends there-- Cherubino, Lana, LashGirl, StarGazer, Slope, Civyl and a whole slew of others I haven't named. The biggest treat for me, though, was that Bartelby came! I don't know if you guys remember him-- he was in group therapy with me last summer in the outpatient program. He seemed to be doing really well.

At 10 minutes to midnight, Meema got to give a speech about where she was a year ago and about the journey that she's been on this past year. She took a moment to say thank you to me and she went on about what a good friend that I've been to her and what she has learned from me this year, etc. It was so moving that I started to cry. Any tension that was there between me and Talis dissolved at that moment too, because she was able to see how much I care about Meema. It was an incredible night. I am so proud of her.

Saturday was kind of a lousy day for me (nice use of WWI slang, I must say) because it was the first day that I felt really sick. I overslept past the women's meeting that I like to go to, and I spent most of the day feeling terrible, slathering my aching back with bengay and popping Advil and Drixoral like there's no tomorrow. (Okay-- I wasn't that haphazard about it. I took it as indicated.) But I really didn't do much with the day, instead saving all my strength for the evening... Hammer and I had plans to go see Turandot!

From the first chords that came crashing down, my blood ran faster. I forgot how much I love that opera! I had swapped my usual matinee tickets for these, so we were seated in a box-- room for four, but we were the only two there! It was nice to be able to stretch out (and eat our salmon and chocolate in private!).

Hammer was telling me all about Archie and Betty and Veronica and about the Alaskan's musings on the subject-- a perfect introduction to Turandot with its opposing man-eating ice princess and docile slave girl. I had a lot of thoughts on all of that at the time, but lack the energy to articulate them right now... After the opera, we ventured down towards what had once been "Wizard territory" and enjoyed some more conversation at Starbucks.

And then, on Sunday, it was home to Long Island for my stepbrother's birthday party. He'll be 20 on Wednesday and my parents invited his friends (from before the accident), his "girlfriend," my stepfather's family and my relatives on my mom's side and Bro-in-Law's family over for an outdoor picnic lunch. Even though I was feeling sick, I had a good time. It was nice to be around little kids, it was nice to be outside (I know-- I can't believe I just said that either) and best of all, it was nice to see my stepbrother looking happy.

But by the end of the day, I was wiped. I came home, ate Chinese food and went to bed by 9:00 PM. This morning I woke up, taught, came back home by 10:00 AM and went back to bed until 2:00 PM. I'm feeling pretty miserable and can't do much of anything except lay around. Hopefully it will pass soon.

So... that's it for now. I'll try to write more frequently!

lots of love,

h

PS: Mystic-- I haven't had a chance yet to go searching for that music, but I promise I will. :)