Breaking Through

Spring is here... finally in a less "drippy" way. Today is actually a nice day to be outside. I met Dan this morning at the Museum of Modern Art where we took in an exhibit called "Comic Abstraction" and a retrospective of art by Jeff Wall. From there, we headed down to the East Village to a little Ramen Noodle Shop for lunch, over to Astor Place for some "bubble tea," and then parted ways.

I haven't been blogging as much lately because I don't particularly feel like reflecting. I'm still plowing through my Fourth Step the best I can and taking it one minute at a time.

Now that the Narc drama is for the most part done, the real fun can begin. A lot of older issues-- issues so deep that I can't and won't write about them online-- are starting to come up for me. I had a pretty difficult therapy session on Friday. Last night I went to my Aunt's house for Passover and it was strange-- as if I were feeling two things at once-- part of me felt good and positive and more honest than I've ever been with my family. Another piece of me felt separated and distant and misunderstood and hopeless. My entire family has "food issues" and it's sometimes hard to be around them at big food holidays. Even when there's not a word spoken, judgement can be passed.

I was in a decent mood on the train ride back, but once I got to my corner, I had a burning desire to drink. I didn't want to drink, per say, but I really wanted to "check out" more than anything. I felt intolerably depressed and desperate. I just felt trapped-- in my body, in my life... Things aren't the way I want them to be. It took a lot of praying to ground myself again-- to get myself to start to accept that I am not the one who gets to control the way things are.

So, instead of going for a drink, I crawled into bed (in an enormous cloud of gloom) and watched the series finale of Rome. I am so sad that it's over. I'm such a dork-- I bought a HUGE (4 ft x 6 ft) Mark Antony poster on EBay. I have no idea where the fuck I'm going to put it. NDN and Hammer both suggested that I hang it over my bed! Ha ha...

I've been to a lot of meetings this week and have made "friends" with some new-comers. I can't believe that I almost have a year! It's so nice to have that time and to be able to help people who are counting days. I met two women in particular at the Saturday morning meeting who I think will become regular friends. I saw them again on Saturday night and then one of them again at the Sunday night meeting.

Speaking of Sunday night-- there was kind of a strange incident. After the meeting, I went to the diner with a bunch of people from my group. A girl I didn't know came along and sat across from me. She was sullen and anti-social and while she was reading the menu she made some strange abstract singing/whining sounds. Then, suddenly, in a very flat voice, she looked to me.

"Do you have a cell phone?" she asked.

Her monotone disturbed me.

"Um, yeah..."

"Can I borrow it?"

"Um, sure..."

I lent her my phone. She set about writing a text message and held onto the phone for a good ten minutes. Then she got up from the table. I must have given her a strange look because she felt the need to explain.

"My backpack and my coat are still here," she said in the same monotone. "I'm not going to steal your phone."

"Oh, I know," I said, feigning assurance. "I just don't want you to take it outside. It's raining and it will get wet."

"I won't," she said.

Then she went into the vestibule. I could still see her through the glass. She was laughing and moving around strangely and pressing all sorts of buttons on the phone.

Of all people to be seated next to me, was Merlin. He started to laugh.

"I wouldn't give my phone out like that to anyone," he said.

"But she asked..."

I was starting to feel uncomfortable. The crazy girl stayed in the vestibule with my phone for a good 20 minutes until I could make eye-contact with her. Finally, she came back inside and continued to fiddle with the phone. I need to learn how to stick up for myself. It's amazing that I couldn't! Put a few drinks in me, and I would have had my phone back with some nasty comment in no time! But this is what I'm like sober? Strange...

Anyway, at some point, StarGazer and I wanted to go, so I stood up, put on my coat and mustered as much aggression as I could into my voice.

"Can I have my phone back? I have to go."

She half-ignored me, giving me a sullen nod.

"No, really... I need my phone back. I'm leaving."

"Okay, fine... Just let me finish writing my friend this address."

By the time I got it back, she must have had it for at least 45 minutes. StarGazer and I got into a cab together, of course, jumping to see what she had done with the phone.

It was the strangest thing... that whole time she wrote some long nonsensical text message and had recorded a sound-clip of herself singing some long whiny song. That's what she was doing the whole time in the vestibule!

The bottom line-- the fellowship in AA is great, but sometimes you end up eating with, talking with and giving your number to the kind of crazy people that you would normally cross the street to avoid. It's hard to know how high to keep your defenses in a situation like that. But I learned my lesson-- I have to have harder edges.

Anyway, after that, I hung out with NDN, watching Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic and eating stale popcorn.

I guess that's basically it for now. I'm afraid if I write any longer, I'm going to have to delve into my internal thoughts and most of those are about self-loathing, or missing Narc, or fear... I do miss him terribly, but I suppose it's going to take a while.

Hope you are all well out in the blog-o-sphere.

Love,

h

PS: I decided I'm too lazy to get my hair done this week, and as I'm do for a color boost, I'm doing it myself. As I write, I've got the dye on my head. Ha ha....