My sponsor suggested that I keep busy, and keeping busy I am!
This morning I taught two classes. It's midterm week, so I didn't have to lecture. Instead, I worked on my 4th step while my students took their exams.
After that, I stopped in at St. Paul's-- the church near the school where I teach.
From there, I headed downtown to meet my "sober niece"-- my sponsor's other sponsee's sponsee... These things get complicated, I suppose. She's got just about 30 days. We went out for lunch and she talked and talked. I think she really needed someone to listen, so that's what I did. It was nice. It reminded me that I actually have come pretty far. She was talking about how she couldn't go to Florida to visit her sister because she didn't have an ID and couldn't get herself to the DMV to get one. I remembered how long it took me to return my library books and start opening my mail.
A friend of mine chairs a meeting that my home group brings to a local mental institution and can't do the meeting next week. She asked me to fill in for her. I'm nervous about it, so I decided to go this week and observe. That was the next stop in my busy afternoon.
After that meeting, I headed back to my place where I met Anxious for an afternoon of coffee and catching up. She has been applying for PhD programs to study Spanish Literature and just found out that she didn't get into any programs in NY, but was accepted to UCLA with an amazing package. It looks like she and Bulgi will be heading to the West coast next fall!
By 6:00 I was exhausted, but the day was still not done. I headed over to my regular Thursday night meeting where I cheerfully reported the days events to my sponsor.
I have to say, I'm shocked. I'm SHOCKED that I'm okay. I would even venture to say that I spent most of the day happy!
But then he started to creep back into my thoughts. There was a boy (albeit a gay boy) sitting in front of me at the meeting tonight and he had a red beard the exact shade of red. His hair crept over his ears just a little bit. He had the same defined lips. And I started to feel queasy. I miss him a lot. I don't want to talk about him, write about him, but I can't help it. I miss being physically near him. I was thinking about his hands... about his cuticles. I was thinking about when I used to go over to his place and he would put his feet up on my lap and I would rub his feet for him, and what they felt like through his socks... and in my hands. I thought about how his beard felt when I would hold his face and kiss him. It made me want to make out with the boy sitting in front of me. There I was lusting after some poor newcomer just because he was a trigger for me.
So, I'm home now and watching Ugly Betty, and I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be okay. I have no control over this. I have no control over him. But it's hard to miss someone so physically... so viscerally... and to know that you will never share that same physicality with him ever again.
Speaking of endings, I texted Brick yesterday too-- I told him that I assumed that we are no longer friends as he is no longer talking to me. I told him that it hurts. He didn't write back until this morning. He said he's just "working his program" right now. I didn't know that meant ditching me as a friend. I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe I did nothing wrong. I can't seem to get angry at Narc, but I'm angry at Brick.
Anyway, I should get off the topic before I get in over my head. I should get back to Ugly Betty. I should get to bed soon. After all, tomorrow I have to take my sponsor's suggestion again and keep myself a busy bee!
love,
h
4 comments:
I watched Ugly Betty too. It's one of the few shows I stay hooked on.
You are doing great. Keep it up!
Are you planning a party for your first year of sobriety?
So you don't have to be okay, you just need to continue to try to live your life.
I remember working with a client who was going through a break-up. She couldn't get angry at her ex...I ended up being angry a lot in the room with her. But, eventually, it happened. It was almost a year later, but it happened.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a disguised "I Told you so". I remember saying to you that if you went to the program things would get better and you relationship with Narc would find resolution.
Now I want to tell you that you will feel that desire and lust and love and all those things you felt with Narc again. Only this time they will be better. I am batting a 100 you know. Just check out all the things I said about Spinny.
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I have had the same reaction re. The Boy v. The Friend break-up...I think it has to do with an expectation. Despite caring about our respective boys, we also knew, deep down, that they were not as, shall we say, committed as we were. Our friends, however, we expect to be there for us. Cuz that's what friends are for...they aren't for leaving. It's not supposed to work that way, and I am sorry that it is happening to you.
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