The Calm at the End of the Storm

I always thought that when this moment really came, it would kill me. Instead, I find myself quietly at peace. Don't get me wrong-- my stomach is still in knots and my heart is still broken, but I'm okay. (I'm okay?!?!) I'm okay!

I know it's going to hurt for a while. But I if I could give up drinking, I can give up Narc.

I don't want to make this blog about Narc anymore. I only wanted to tell you that I feel good about things, that I'm sure that he loves me, and that I'm finally feeling a little closure. I texted him yesterday in the morning:

I'm glad your health is improving. Good luck with all of the change. Keep in touch. And lots of love.

Surprisingly, he answered a few hours later:

Lots of love to you too. You're going to make waves at that conference... I can feel it..!

I appreciated that from him. I know how limited he is. I don't know... I just love him so much and I want him to find his happiness out there. I want to find my happiness out there. And I always knew that it wouldn't be with each other. We both knew that. So, if it had to end at some point, it had to end. It's ending now... And I'm at peace because I still love him. I'm not angry. And I know that he loves me. It just wasn't meant to be for us. I'm at peace with closing this chapter, even though it still hurts. It may hurt for a long time.

Last night after AA, a guy named Bob who was celebrating his 20 year anniversary invited everyone back to his apartment for a party. I didn't want to go. I wanted to go home and be pensive. But, taking my sponsor's suggestion, I had to work against my instinct to isolate. So, I went. It was strange to be at a NY apartment party with the same plastic cups and the same "bar" set up in the kitchen, only with soda. It was a pizza party. In some ways, I liked it-- it was like being in the sixth grade-- pizza, cake and soda and lots of friends in one place. A lot of people showed up to the party-- at least 50 or so. It was a good chance to talk to some group members that I haven't yet gotten to know. I also spent a good deal of time chatting with StarGazer and with my sponsor.

Anyway, I have to run because Slope is qualifying this afternoon and I want to jump in the shower before I go over there.

I'm still not sure how to feel what I'm feeling (or even how to identify it!) and I'm a little drained and mentally distracted. So... I may be a little all over the place for the next few weeks. I'm definitely very sensitive right now. But, thanks for all of the love and support, as always!

love,
h