The Litmus Test

So, it was an eventful weekend-- the end to an eventful week. On Saturday evening, I was heading out to Jake's birthday dinner when I made a pit-stop at the ATM. It wouldn't let me withdraw any money, telling me that I had "exceeded the daily limit." The only problem? I hadn't left my house that day. After an hour or so on the phone with Chase it turns out that someone in China had been stealing my money for two days and had taken about $1000. I still can't access my own bank account. It sucks.

In any case, I continued on and met Jake and his friends for dinner and then drinks at Forbidden City, followed by a stroll around the East Village, ending up at a dismal karaoke place on St. Mark's. The whole time I was anxious about the fact that Narc was ignoring me on his birthday. I had made it abundantly clear at least half a dozen times in the last month or so that it was important to me to be invited out this year and that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't invite me. The last few times I mentioned it, he told me that he didn't have anything planned for his birthday.

He was out Friday night and never answered my birthday text. I wrote again on Saturday morning and he never answered. I wrote again at around 4:00 PM that I was worried about him. That time he answered, telling me that he was getting lunch with CouchSleeper and would call later. I texted again around 9:00 PM and then again at around 11:00 PM, this time writing that "I guess he didn't want to meet up after all." I was sick about it though. I had been waiting for quite some time to see how he would handle his birthday.

At around 12:30 AM, I went into the bathroom at Forbidden City and called him. Obviously, he didn't pick up.

"It's me," I said. "And I have to tell you-- I'm really disappointed. You knew how important it was for me to see you on your birthday, or at least to get a phone call, and... Well, I don't know what else there is to say about it, except that I'm sad and very, very disappointed. I can't do this anymore, Narc. I don't want to have this conversation with myself in a voice mail and certainly not on your birthday, but we need to talk. This isn't working for me. We really need to talk."

At least I managed, somehow, to have a good time with Jake and the others. At the end of the night, it was just me and Jake, and P and her fiancee. P is a friend from college that I rarely ever see. I'm more in touch with her through other people. Jake and I made a pact that if we're both still single at 45 that we would marry each other.

"My 45 or your 45?" I asked (as he's a few years older than I am).

"Your 45," he said.

"Fine."

I thought it was funny.

Anyway, we all got a slice of pizza, went to the karaoke place and then I headed home at around 2:00 AM.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

At 2:30 AM or so, Narc called. He was wasted. I was furious.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He wanted to come up to my place. I told him "no." He said he was coming anyway. I told him not to and that I would tell my doorman not to let him in. I was FURIOUS.

We started to fight.

"Fuck you, Hyde!" he said.

"No! Fuck YOU!!!"

I hung up the phone on him. He called back. The whole thing repeated three or four times.

"It's no big deal," he said. "I was just out with CouchSleeper, Mike and LAGirl. I want to see YOU now. I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you."

"You have to be KIDDING me!" I exclaimed. "You were out with LAGirl? Is this a fucking joke? I don't even care anymore, Narc. Get the fuck away from me."

I hung up on him again. He sent me a text. It was after 3:00 AM.

Don't ever talk to me again. Ever. You dumb fucking whore, he wrote.

I didn't answer him.

He called a few minutes later.

I didn't pick up.

"Hyde, what's going on?" he slurred in his message. "This is not a fucking big deal..." He went on like that for a while.

I ignored it and went to sleep.

The next day I headed out to Long Island for Mother's day. He called and texted mid-afternoon, saying "Give a call when you can," but I continued to ignore him. I didn't want to let him interrupt my time with my family. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sick. I was still furious. Finally!!! The anger has arrived!

I had a lovely afternoon with my family and got back to the city at around 9:00 PM. I called him.

"So... what were we fighting about last night?" he asked.

"You're going to act like you don't remember?"

"I don't."

"So, you don't remember calling me a 'dumb fucking whore'?"

"Oh... I did? Why was I mad?"

"That's all you have to say?"

"What else do you want me to say? I was drunk!"

"How about: Oh my god, I can't believe I called you that! I'm SORRY."

"Whatever, Hyde-- I was drunk. It doesn't count. It doesn't mean anything."

"Whatever."

I told him why I was upset-- about the birthday, about the fact that I had told him over and over and over and over and over that it hurts my feelings not to be invited, about the fact that it hurts even more that he invited LAGirl.

"I didn't invite her. She invited herself... she just called me."

"I called you too! But you ignored me all day!!!"

He got defensive, arguing everything he could think of from "you wouldn't have wanted to be there, we were drinking" to "I didn't make any plans, it just happened" to "I don't have to justify myself to you!" to "I don't owe you anything-- it was MY birthday!"

I just stayed calm and kept repeating my point-- that even if it was thoughtlessness and not cruelty, that thoughtlessness was the problem-- that he couldn't/wouldn't ever consider my feelings. I reminded him that I found girls' phone numbers on bar-napkins in his kitchen and that I knew that LAGirl had been at his place on Thursday and he never mentioned it to me.

"And as for your birthday," I went on, "If I were your girlfriend, you would have invited me," I said.

"Obviously. But you're not!!"

"That's exactly my point, Narc. This makes no sense. You've made a commitment not to have sex with anyone else; I sleep with you almost every night; I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me; we've been together for four years. This makes no sense!!"

"I don't know, Hyde. I DO love you, but I love a lot of my friends."

"You don't love me differently than you love your other friends?"

"No. Well, sort of... But, you're not a priority. You're not the focus of my life. I mean, I thought we had this chill thing between us."

"We have such different experiences of this relationship, it's ridiculous," I laughed. "And there's no point in arguing or debating. The bottom line is that I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't be with you anymore unless I'm your girlfriend. I need the honor, respect, recognition, security and all of it that comes with being your 'girlfriend.' Do you think I'd be jealous of LAGirl if you told her that you had a girlfriend?"

"She knows you exist," he said.

"Yeah-- that you're fucking some girl? Nice."

"I love you and I want you in my life," he said.

"Me too. But I'm done with this."

He got angry and accused me of manipulating him-- of trying to force his hand with another ultimatum.

"I'm not!" I insisted. "I love you. I honestly want you to be happy. I want you to make right choices for you. I don't want to force anyone to be my boyfriend. I'm just saying that this is horrible for my self esteem. I feel like I'm not good enough for you."

"I'm the one who's not good enough for YOU!" he said. "I can't give you what you want-- we have different goals for the future."

"Narc, this is killing me and it has to stop. I have to take care of myself. It's my responsibility. And as I see it, we have three choices-- keep the status quo--"

"Which keeps you in pain," he interjected.

"Stop seeing each other,"

"Which would be incredibly painful for both of us," he said.

"Or change the situation to make it bearable for me."

He was quiet.

"I don't know what that means or what I can do."

"I want a boyfriend Narc."

He kept trying to convince me to see him that night. He knows that he owes me money and my account is blocked, so he said he wanted to pay me back.

"I don't know," I said. "I'll call you later and let you know."

We hung up the phone shortly after that. Then he texted me, about an hour later.

Narc: So...What's the plan?

Hyde: I think I need to wait until we work this out. My self-esteem needs it. You could just mail me the money? Or drop it with my doorman when you can...?

Narc: Are you sure? I mean, going to see you again at some point soon anyway... Don't like the thought of you not having money.

Hyde: Yeah. I'm sure. This situation and my feelings about you and me are way more important to me than immediate money. If I run out, I can prob borrow from NDN...

Narc: Ok, will miss sleeping next to you tonight.

Hyde: Will miss you too. But please just give it all some thought. The more I sit with it, the clearer everything is becoming.

Narc: I can think about it, but I just don't know if I'll come up with anything.

Hyde: If you can't you can't. You can only do what's right for you. But let me know. I can only do what's right for me.

Narc: Well, I know I love you and am feeling lonely and wish you were here now. That' s about it...

Hyde; Me too.

Then, half an hour later:

Narc: Also, those phone numbers and e-mail addresses you saw were three-- two girls and one guy, all of whom I met as a group, just to clarify...

Hyde: Ok.

And that was it.

Yesterday I went to the library all day and gave a presentation in my class that night. Today is the last day of teaching classes, although I still have to give the final exams.

But, his birthday. I wanted so badly for him not to disappoint me. I told him over and over and over before it got here, hoping he would get the point. It was a litmus test for me and he failed.

This may be the end. I wonder when it will resolve. I'm not going to call him. I wonder when I'll hear from him.

love,
h