I heart Status Quo

For a girl who's trying to wean herself from blogging, I'm not doing too well...

Anyway-- how to make a long story short? I caved in short order. I didn't talk to or hear from Narc at all on Monday or Tuesday. By Tuesday night I felt sick. Tuesday was a strange day overall. My cab got in a little accident on my way to teach. I walked from teaching to AA, across Central Park and bumped into another woman from my home group who kept me company. It's weird-- I was feeling grounded and calm on the one hand (perhaps the effect of my sobriety anniversary) and I also felt angry and more and more sure that this thing with Narc is over and not what I want. But it all brought on a new sort of terror that rolled over me in waves. I felt like I was standing in front of an enormous gaping void, or being asked to walk off of some kind of cliff and believe that I wouldn't fall. I was anxious and nauseated and sad.

I don't like being uncomfortable.

I was watching American Idol. David Cook started to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and I started to bawl. So... on an impulse I called. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Instead, he texted me back.

Narc: Just saw missed call. What's up?

Hyde: I don't know. Just wanted to talk to you. Don't know what I was going to say. Guess I miss you. Watching Idol...

Narc: Miss you too, but unfortunately don't know if I have anything new to say or offer you...

Hyde: :( This sucks. I hate it. I have been sad all day.

Narc: I know it sucks but don't know what else to say... Wish you were here. Burying myself in GTA otherwise for the distraction

Hyde: I love you.

Narc: Love you too.

(A few minutes went by while I cried some more)

Narc: E's people turned us down today as well. Alas. No London.

Hyde: I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not doing too well, to be honest. Want to be together tonight and ignore all this completely just for the night?

Narc: I think we can do that...

Hyde: K. Am on my way.

And so it goes... And so-- I went.

On Wednesday we went to Battery Park to feed his favorite ducks. We got sandwiches from the Bouley bakery and sat in the shade and ate them. I had a great voice lesson later that afternoon. And I had sushi with Bezoukhoff for dinner. Back at my place, Bezoukhoff and I listened to "Miss Saigon" and joked about putting up an online dating profile for me.

"What the fuck?" I said. "Maybe I should just do it."

So... I did. But honestly, you guys-- I don't think I'm ready for that. Not in the middle of all this.

Anyway, at around 12:30 AM, Narc texted me that he was downstairs at Cheers. So, Bezoukhoff and I went to meet him. They are trying out something new-- "Rock Band" on Wednesday nights. Narc and I did two numbers-- he on voice and I on guitar.

Deee-niii-aaall!!!!

So-- he came back to my place and kicked back and I heated up food for him and slept in his arms and swallowed those feelings of degradation and rejection and lived in the moment as much as I could.

Thursday was an interesting day. I worked for a really long time on my paper, B and I saw Iron Man (for the second time) and I went to the history department party at school. I saw Hammer there-- I haven't seen her in ages!! I chatted with my advisor for a while and played some trivia with Bezoukhoff's new crew of friends in the department. Afterwards I went out for drinks with them. Bezoukhoff, just having broken up with his girlfriend of six years, seems to have found new love in our department! He was romancing a girl (I have to choose a name for!) and I chatted with a few of the students that I didn't know very well. We headed across the street and did a few karaoke songs, and that was fun. From there I went uptown to my AA group's anniversary watch for one of our members. I ended up talking to a newcomer for a long time at the diner.

Anyway, I didn't talk to Narc that night, as he went to a taping of The Daily Show and then out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I actually had a voice mail from him when I woke up-- one that he left while wasted, at around 7:00 AM.

But Friday was a work day for me. I worked and worked. I went to the New York Public Library and worked and worked. It sucked, lugging my laptop around in the rain. Then, that night I went to an AA meeting on the Upper West Side. Afterwards, I went out for dinner with a big group. We went to Ruby Foo's to celebrate Cherubino's 4-year anniversary. Narc texted me a few times, but I told him I wasn't free until later.

Back at my place, I talked to another newcomer on the phone for a long time and then went downstairs to meet NDN's new girlfriend. She seems really nice. The two of them went up to some little bed and breakfast on the Hudson this weekend, so we'll have to see how all of that develops. I hung out with them until just after 1:00 AM. Narc was out with CouchSleeper at that point and invited me to join them.

I did. I met them at "Grace" in Tribeca and we hung out there until around 3:30 AM or so. CouchSleeper got pretty drunk and was singing tunes from West Side Story. He used to be a professional horn player and even played in a production of Aida, which he had me listen to on his iPod.

Back at Narc's place, I took a shower and then we had super, amazing sex, which only made me sad because it all has to end. I know that we love each other-- it was the kind of amazing sex you can only have once you love each other-- but it has to end.

I don't think we got to sleep until after 6:00 AM!

Anyway, today I had a lot more work to do on my paper. While I was still at his place earlier in the day, his friend J-- some girl that lives in his building-- came down to watch Point Break.

"Are you guys open-minded?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure..."

"Want some?"

She took out a bag of coke and waved it in the air. Oh my fucking god, my stomach flipped over. I've been around a lot of alcohol since I've been sober, but the coke plucked some wire or nerve in my brain. It was boring into me.

"No thanks," I said.

"Yeah, none for me either," Narc half-laughed. "Hyde is on the straight and narrow and I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe I'll have a bump later or something, but none for now."

The idea of Narc doing coke later made me feel sick. I worry about him. He's really out of shape and had that blood clot problem that landed him in the hospital. I swear, he's going to kill himself. (My therapist asked me if that's what I'm waiting for).

His friend seemed embarrassed and put it back into her purse, but I couldn't forget that it was there. I had to get out.

"I don't think I'll get too much work done with the movie on," I said. "I better take off."

So... I did. It was a good thing. I had a lot of work to do anyway.

Tonight it's raining and I'm safe and sound in my house. But I know that he's out with his friend Robyn and CouchSleeper again and it makes me feel uneasy. All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong-- dis-ease.

But I don't want to stare that gulf in the face again. It scared the shit out of me.

I love him I hate him I love him I hate him.

Fuck it. It's not about him. I'm scared. And I love Status Quo.

-h-