Willoughby & Brandon

(or Brandon & Willoughby)

It has been quite a week. I guess a few words about New Year's Eve to start...

It was the eve of Pixie's one-year-of-sobriety anniversary as well. My group has a tradition of gathering at a specific diner from 9:00 PM-midnight on the eve of each member's first year. We basically just hang out and talk and eat and then at 15 minutes to midnight, the celebrant talks about where he or she was at that time last year and how life has changed. Pixie's celebration was especially exciting because everyone was in a festive mood. A lot of people were heading to a huge AA dance being held down in Soho, but they stopped by the diner first, dressed to the nines. A giant, hot, sweaty, sober dance is not exactly my scene, so I decided to skip the dance and was at the diner in jeans, but I did wear turquoise mascara and my most dramatic sparkly chandelier earrings.

Anyway, I had a great time there, talking to people I don't usually get to spend that much time with. I have been really close to Pixie for the past eight months or so, and when she spoke, it was especially meaningful for me. I felt completely at peace and surrounded by amazing people-- a real family. So, that's where I was at midnight. Oh-- and my mom and BigSis called shortly after midnight to wish me a Happy New Year.

Afterwards, another group member, Bob, threw a "grilled cheese" party at his place. His apartment is not far from the diner where we were gathered. And he has a HUGE place-- two apartments on either side of the hallway in a pre-war building. Each apartment was at least 5 or 6 rooms big, and he designated one side for smoking and one for non-smoking. I ended up spending most of the evening talking to a muscle-bound makeup artist who told me that he did seven years for armed robbery. I swear-- in AA you meet the most interesting people.

I stayed at that party until around 2:30 or so. The atmosphere was beautiful-- tons of candles and twisted candelabras everywhere, stuffed animal heads on the walls, and strange music (I swear-- every time I'm at Bob's place I hear Barry White!) A lot of people were arriving late, after the dance in Soho. But, my friend Matty and I decided to come back to my place to hang out for a while.

Back at home we just sat on the couch and talked (mostly about boys... and life). Then TT called. He was leaving Cheers and wanted to stop by to say hi. He arrived just as Matty was on her way out the door. And then TT and I just sat on the couch and talked.

TT kept apologizing that he was tipsy, but he really didn't seem it to me. What was interesting, though, was that for the first time in a million years with him, I felt like we had some conversation chemistry. I felt like I saw a real personality in him. Who knows-- maybe there is something there for us after all. He makes me feel good about myself, in any case. He left around 4:30 AM, having invited me over to watch DVDs at his place on Saturday night. When we stood for him to say goodbye he gave me a strong and lingering hug and then kissed my forehead and then kissed my hand. Hmmm... Don't get me wrong-- I am still desperately in love with Narc, but I'm trying to see beyond it if I can...

Anyway, that was New Year's Eve.

The next day, NDN and I went to see Juno in the afternoon. It was a cute movie. NDN was scheming to figure out a way to transform an acquaintance into a lover (he has since found success and some very good sex!). So, he and I poured over a few text messages before I headed to AA.

Once again, it felt amazing to be at an AA meeting. Maybe it was the welcoming of the New Year, but I again felt protected and belonging and "locked in" by a family. After the meeting, Pixie and I went out for dinner with two women I didn't know. It turns out that one of them knows a childhood friend of mine who I haven't seen since the fifth grade!

When I got home that night, Narc IM'd me. He was still at Canyon Ranch. He told me that they were having a chill and mellow time, but that he and James had "hopped the wall" to head into town on New Years Eve where they had their last alcohol "for a very long time."

Well I'm back tomorrow afternoon, if you want to head over tomorrow early eve or what not, he said.

I agreed.

On Wednesday I did some work on my paper. Then I went to therapy. God, how I missed therapy! And it had only been one week without a session! I was so glad to start to process a lot of what was happening. The last time I was there was way before Christmas-- the week Narc wasn't talking to me. After therapy I stopped for a quick bite in La Parisienne and then went to my voice lesson.

I was in better physical shape this week at the lesson and even had a new aria assigned-- "O patria mia" from Aida. It's awesome... and it hits a high-C on the last page. Yay!

I was expecting to head to Narc's after the lesson, but he hadn't responded to the text I sent him at 4:30. So, I called him on his cell phone and his home phone, leaving messages in both places. He texted me back: Just getting in, going for din. Call you in a bit.

With Narc, that could mean one hour or three... so, I headed to AA. My home group holds a Big Book study meeting on Wednesday nights and I never go, but I figured I might as well check it out, as it's a new year and they'd be starting from the beginning. Plus, the Wednesday night meeting is really close to where I live. And, as it turns out, I was glad I went. I think I may go back next week too!

When I left the meeting, the temperature outside had plummeted. It was brutal, lung-freezing cold... cold that stung and beat and hurt. And I sort of loved it. So, I walked home. I still hadn't heard from Narc.

Let the waiting game begin... I hate when even the best laid plans become a waiting game with him. But, I really have very little control over it. So, rather than fret and get sick, I did my best to enjoy my evening, eating dinner, watching some TV, and reading the first few chapters of a book recommended to me by a woman in AA. (I'd tell you the title, but I'm a little embarrassed.)

I never heard from him.

Now I was really upset-- first of all because I had cancelled plans with Hammer in order to see Narc, and second of all because I was tired and wanted to wind down but couldn't, given the possibility that he'd call. So, I decided to try to re-take control of my evening.

I sent him a text at about 10:30 PM: Think I'm in for the night now. Not sure what you're up to, but I'm tired. So, some other time...

Strangely enough, I heard back from him right away.

Narc: Just wrapped 2 hour massage, back in now. You're in for the night?

Hyde: Well, hadn't heard from you so just left that msg & decided not to wait up. You needed a massage after the spa weekend? Kind of funny...

He didn't answer for a few minutes, so I just called him. We talked for a few minutes about his trip and about what I did for New Year's. Then I headed down there.

I wasn't prepared for what I found-- NARC WAS BEARDLESS!!! He said he shaved it off in order to get a facial, but that I shouldn't worry as it was already on its way back. It was weird and a little unsettling. He looked really different without the beard, in ways that it's difficult to describe. In any case, he was in the middle of some email correspondence about making his movie, so I waited in the living room and read The Idiot while he finished up.

When he came back out, we bummed around for a while watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's kind of an awesome show. It was cold, so we snuggled under the blanket. Narc told me that he is officially on his new regime of healthy living and hyper-productivity. He wants to lose 40 lbs and finish two scripts and one essay before the move to LA in March. (I still can't believe it's happening. I feel queasy about it). He said that he and James had made the pact together, but that as soon as they were back in NYC, James hit the bars for a night of sex, drugs and booze, booze, booze. Even though I don't think that moving across the country and becoming a workaholic will make Narc happy, I'm proud of him for his willingness to try it all. And who knows-- maybe I'm just a cynic and everything will work out exactly as he's planning for it to. In any case, he took a few classes at the spa and came home with a watercolor painting and a re-discovered obsession with the Tarot.

Anyway, we got to bed around 2:30 AM and had really amazing sex. I can't help but be in love with him. Then this morning, I woke him up with a blow job and we had amazing sex again. Yup... I love him.

We decided to go out for lunch today, but he had a million lists to make and emails to read and then he looked through hundreds of pictures of tarot decks online before we could get out of the house. I got bored waiting. I sang some arias under my breath and paced his living room. Finally, we were out into the freezing cold-- first to the bank for him to deposit some checks, and then for lunch at the Sun Cafe.

Narc told me that he had a dream that he was visited by an angel or guide named "Patrick" and that he was told that the next place he lives will "bring out his true self." Narc asked the guide where that place was, and Patrick told him he would know because there would be "papers (or pages) of birds." Strange...

After that, I told him I had to head home to get some work done on my INC. He said he wanted to go to Century 21 to buy a warmer scarf. I told him I'd walk him there.

Narc has a beautiful black cashmere coat, but it's missing a button and another is loose. In this weather, you want to be able to pull your coat as tight as possible. (As I told Narc-- this weather is like rough sex with God-- painful but exhilarating). He asked me if I knew where to buy buttons. We found him a tailor-- a little old Chinese lady who sewed the buttons while we waited. Narc and I sat on a bench in the tiny shop. I watched our reflection in the mirror. I put my head on his shoulder. We laughed at the ubiquitous "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar" flyer in the window. The old Chinese lady finished sewing the coat.

Back out into the cold.

I walked Narc the rest of the way to Century 21 before he kissed me goodbye and put me into a cab. Then I headed home to try to work on a paper and watch NDN iron his suit jacket while filling me in on details about his newfound "lover." After that I went to AA.

And now, I'm home again. Narc texted me that he bought three scarves. My living room is cold because an entire wall is made up of windows.

Tomorrow night I have plans with Bezoukhoff and then Anxious and Bulgi are throwing themselves a wedding/going away party. For now, I'm going to go crawl under the covers and watch some TV. I have to get up early tomorrow if I'm going to put in a full day of work on my INC.

Still feeling good about the New Year...

lots of love,
h