Resurfacing

I'm still laying in bed (with my laptop). Haven't started the day. But the phone rang twice this morning-- once at 7:58 AM and once at 8:08 AM. Yep... Narc resurfaced. I didn't pick up, but he left two messages. He was wasted beyond belief-- probably high on something too. I can't believe I was tempted to call him back... I can't believe that I calculated in my head whether or not I had time to go down there for a few hours before starting the rest of my day.

"Learned helplessness" indeed. I just felt so grateful to hear from him at all-- that the "out of my control" absence of him had temporarily ended-- that I felt willing to do the ridiculous and to compromise myself.

At least I stay put. At least the "self-care" voice has gotten strong enough to prevent me from completely sabotaging myself.

I'm off to therapy this morning to try to "unlearn" some of that helplessness. Or something like that... Then I have that 2:15 meeting with my department chair. Yikes.

All in all, I'm glad to have to get up and do things today. The depression is still there, but it is made SO much better by having to move.

I talked to Brick on the phone for a while last night. He works for TMZ and had to go to the courthouse yesterday with all of the other paparazzi to get the scoop on Britney. My image of LA is so stereotyped right now.

I'm gonna try to take some pics around the city as I go through my day today, as per AbbaGirl's request. If for no other reason, than that it will give me something to think about.

Ok... time to get out of bed now.

I wonder if I'll hear from him later. (Arghh! I hate when I get stupid like this).

love,
h