Going to Bed Happy

It has been a good day. It has been a good week. I like my life this week and have absolutely nothing to complain about.

How's that for an unusual start to a "Hyde" blog entry?

The first bit of good news? This afternoon I finished my paper!!! The semester of Fall, 2005 has now officially been completed. It's a huge relief. Three papers down and only four to go (unless I can get one of those dropped). It's difficult and a little depressing to realize what damage I did to myself and to my academics with all of the drugs and the drinking, but on the other hand, it feels amazing and spiritually rewarding to be able to see the progress in my recovery. I am meeting with my department chair next week to figure out a schedule for getting through the rest.

On Tuesday I went to therapy and then back to the library to edit the paper. It took me three hours and I only got through half the editing that day. Then I went to AA and afterwards to another anniversary watch for a friend in my home group. There, I spent most of the time talking to two random guys in the group. Those watches are great for meeting new people that I wouldn't necessarily talk to at a meeting.

Anyway, I got home at around 11:30 PM. I was exhausted. I was also stressed out about the fact that I only had six hours before I had to wake up the next day. I had been asked to speak at a meeting on Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM, so I set my alarm for 6:00. I wasn't thinking about the qualification in particular, but rather, it was a subtle tension. I was more stressed about the fact that I couldn't fall asleep. As anyone who has experienced insomnia knows-- the more hours that go by, the more stressed you get that you're not sleeping yet, the harder it is to get to sleep.

At around 2:00 AM, I figured I'd give up trying. Perhaps my time would be better served by a little more work on my paper. Just as I was climbing out of bed, I got a text message. It was from Narc, of course. He said he was in my neighborhood and asked if he could come over. I told him I had to be up at 6:00 and we messaged back and forth a little bit, coordinating before he decided to come over anyway. He must have gotten here closer to 3:00 AM. He had clearly had a few drinks, but wasn't really drunk. We both smoked a few cigarettes; he noted that the mound of clothes on my dining table made it look like a closet; we had some sex; and then we went to sleep at around 4:00 AM.

Things seem to be calm between us at the moment and I like it that way. I was able to enjoy listening to his breath. I wanted so badly to say "I love you," but I don't want to mess things up when they seem to be so finely balanced in an "okay" place. So, I mouthed it to myself, my face buried in his neck, as I tried once again to fall asleep.

And then the alarm went off at 6:00.

Perhaps it was because I barely had gotten 2 hours of rest, but I was strangely energized. I downed a coffee and headed to the meeting. I'm not sure what I said there, but something came out of my mouth-- something that everyone said they were grateful to hear. So... I guess I did okay. One woman commented that she couldn't imagine me behaving in the ways I described. It made me feel good-- I really do have the chance to re-invent myself and there's no reason for anyone to ever again see the ways in which I degraded myself.

I got back home at around 9:00. Narc was still snoring in my bed. So, I climbed back in and dozed off again for another few hours.

Later that afternoon, we parted ways as I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B. We saw Sweeny Tood at Lincoln Square. I was slightly disappointed. Well-- I didn't really expect it to be better than it was... I just sort of hoped. Anyway, after the movie, we ate at a diner, poked around Patelson's and then I went to my voice lesson.

We worked quite a bit on the aria from Aida and then on the Massenet. I am shocked at how easy and free the high-C is for me to sing. The more I work on my voice, the easier the high notes become. I know that probably sounds kind of obvious, but after years of telling yourself what your voice can and can't do, those notes always appear somehow magical-- a minor miracle. After my voice lesson, I went to a Big Book study meeting. Afterwards, I had the chance to catch up with StarGazer for a little while.

By the time I got home that night, I was WIPED!!

But... somehow, even wiped, I wasn't in the mood for sleep. I took a shower and was watching TV when just after midnight the phone rang. It was Narc. We talked for a while (he had been to see some Tarot master that afternoon-- a consult for his movie; I gave him my review of Sweeny Todd) and then he asked me to come over. So... I did. But first, I had to drop off NDN's sweater at his door and catch up on the phone with Brick. He is about 25 days back now and I'm very proud of him.

Narc and I bummed around at his place for a while, watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and having sex before we finally went to bed at around 3:00 AM.

This morning my alarm went off at 8:00, as I had an appointment to pray with Pixie. But we missed each other (she was on the phone with someone else when I called) and then I went back to bed. When I woke up, I had messages from my doorman telling me that Con Ed had come by the building to shut off my power, but had agreed to wait one more day. I couldn't believe it, as my bill was paid. I had to call them and sort it all out. Thank god, it's taken care of now.

Narc and I left his place at around 1:00 PM-- he to the Blue Goose for lunch with James and I to the library to finish my paper.

I was there until 6:30 when the paper got turned in. HOORAY!! And then I headed straight to AA. It was a good meeting. On the way home, I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone and picked up a Subway sandwich for dinner (which I ate while watching "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1-- sadder and more serious a show than I had expected).

Finally I am ready to rest. I like being this busy. I like running on little sleep. I always have. It's a "Hyde-ish" life. That busy life, all of that richness has been lost for so many years. I was busy in a different way-- it all became replaced with partying. All of that partying became replaced with the mental fog and mandatory cocoon of early recovery. But for the first time, I am feeling tinges of my life returning-- MY life... with its rhythm... with the ebbs and flows that I love.

Being so productive feels great. Things being okay with Narc feels great. Being really active in AA feels great. Finally getting a little exercise feels great. All of the weight I've lost in the past few months feels great.

I have accomplished so much.

I remember the nights I used to bring a bottle into bed in order to be able to sleep-- anything to knock myself out.

Tonight I'm going to bed alone. And I'm going to bed happy.

love,
h