Giving Birth (and Conscious Contact)

I gave birth today... to a 23 page rough draft. I was in labor for nearly six hours.

Last night I went down to see Narc. We hadn't spoken all weekend and I was worried that there was a reason for that. There wasn't. Turns out that he was home all weekend mostly playing video games. (I can TOTALLY identify with Spins right now!).

Anyway, I went down there last night and brought him Häagan Daz-- chocolate chip cookie dough-- or something like that, as per his request. I was relieved to see that the beard is back. We watched Music and Lyrics, a cheesy but sweet romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. We talked. I gave him some music off my iPod (the "Once" soundtrack-- the same thing Hammer wanted the other day). Narc was humming "The Masochism Tango." I started singing it.

"What? You know that song? How do you know all the words, Hyde?" he asked.

I just laughed.

Things feel normal right now. Really normal and just fine. Things feel good. I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is in this very moment. And then we went to bed and it was exciting and I was happy.

This morning we woke up relatively early but stayed in bed for an extra hour before finally pulling ourselves up and out. Narc has a new coffee pot and brewed us some freshly ground Starbucks coffee and brought me mine in bed. I drank a red bull on my way out the door.

I finally got to the library around 11:15-ish. I sat down in a chair and didn't rise (not to stretch, not even to pee!) for nearly six hours. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I hadn't had anything to drink except for the coffee and red bull. But, I pulled it off-- I finished the rough draft of the paper. I am so "all or nothing" it's disgusting... but at least I got it done.

Afterwards, I didn't even have the chance to go home because I had plans to meet BigSis at her office at 5:30. I walked there, feeling a little bit woozy from the work and the lack of nutrition. We went to CPK for dinner and then over to a meditation workshop. BigSis' therapist recommended the New York Insight Meditation Center to her to learn more about Buddhist meditation and tonight they had a special workshop about meditation in recovery. It was called "The Buddha and Bill W" or something like that... It was strange to meet people from other 12-step fellowships. It was also a little strange to be there with my sister who's not working a 12-step program. But I find it interesting that those things made me a little uncomfortable-- that at this point, I am so naturally comfortable around alcoholics but not necessarily others.

I don't know how much I got out of the whole thing, except two points stuck with me. The first one was that the women presenting the workshop did not refer to the way we behaved in active addiction as "bad behavior;" rather, they used the term "unskilled actions." Thinking of it that way really allows me to stop beating up on myself (which I like to do on a fairly regular basis). It was comforting and forgiving and I liked that.

The other thing I really liked is that the instructors didn't tell us to "quiet our minds," rather, simply to "watch our minds." I tried my best to do just that. My thoughts rarely settled down and I was only able to get my focus onto my breath for a few seconds here and there. But watching the crazy pattern of my thoughts, and not judging it, I felt like I could see myself just slightly from the outside. I felt like I was getting to know myself. I felt a little separated from identifying myself as my mind... there was definitely some sort of "higher self" watching my mind. And that was pretty cool. Because I've been searching SO hard for a "higher power." I've been working and working and working to hold onto whatever moments of connection and "conscious contact" I experience. But quite often, it's hard for me to untangle which voice is my mind's voice and which is the voice of a higher power coming from within. It's hard to "get to know" my higher power when I often don't know how to access it. But, today I learned that through meditation, I can get to know myself and perhaps by seeing my own crazy and fluttering thought patterns, I can untangle them from that other voice that actually is my higher power. I guess what I'm saying is that for the first time tonight, it clicked that through observing my mind, I can start to develop that conscious contact with God.

In any case, I don't often like to write about this stuff because it sort of transcends language for me. Even now, I feel like I didn't articulate all of that very well. The thought in my head is a lot more complicated. And as a verbose girl and an academic, I don't like feeling inarticulate. So, I'll stop there.

Right after the meditation practice, I had to head uptown to an anniversary watch. I am on the "watch committee" this year. There are about five of us, and basically, every time someone has an anniversary, one of us has to be there for the whole thing and introduce the celebrant and bring out their cake, etc. We have a really huge home group, so there are watches every week. Tonight was a triple. I got there shortly after 9:00 and stayed until midnight, as was my duty. I was soooo tired, having not been home since the night before. But it felt good to do service. Also, I got a chance to talk to a newcomer for an hour or so and not only did I help her and make her more comfortable, but it kept things in perspective for me.

Well, that's it for now. I'm tired and need to collapse into bed. Tomorrow morning I have to wake up early and edit the damn paper that I birthed this afternoon. I have cat hair in my eyes from hugging my cat too closely when I got home. (I don't know which is a greater eye irritant-- cat hair or semen... lol).

Tomorrow it's supposed to be 66 degrees here. This weather is fucked up. I want back my freezing January!

Good night all...

love,
h