Divinely Human

The past few days have been really busy. And now I'm afraid I might be a little run down.

My meeting with the department chair on Tuesday was great, although a little awkward. Basically, he agreed to everything I needed him to agree to-- including letting me retake a class so that I can have registered status this Spring. I found out yesterday that it is going to be a little more difficult than I thought because the VP office still wants to put a block on my registration until my professors grade the two papers I handed in this past month. I'm going to have to figure out some way to handle all that... On my way out of the department lounge I bumped into ProfPP. I hadn't seen him in a looooong time. So, we had an awkward "how have you been?" exchange as well.

Um... what else? I went to see Narc that night. (It was the same day as those wasted 8:00 AM phone calls). He texted me while I was in AA to come down and watch the premier of Idol. When I got there, James answered the door. Again-- a little awkward. (Seems to be the most fitting word for my every emotion in this post!). The two of them had started watching the show without me, so I joined them on the couch and we watched the rest. I later found out that the night before they had hung out just the two of them. Narc blacked out halfway through, but James apparently hired some hooker and Narc screamed at her and kicked her out of the apartment (b/c James was planning on charging everything to the running account he keeps with Narc.) I am glad that sort of life doesn't make sense to me anymore. It's another planet.

When James left, Narc and I watched a little more TV and fucked around and then went to bed pretty early (and fucked around some more). It was a strange night. Three times in the middle of the night, I was awakened by him having sex with me. That is not something he usually does. I didn't mind. In fact, I kind of loved it... but it was strange. Because in the morning he said that he had trouble sleeping.

"Oh really? Why's that?" I asked.

"Because I was having nightmares all night long," he said.

"What kind of nightmares?"

"That I was on line for some spa. I think James was there. Anyway, there were these pins sticking out of my arm. When I went to pull them out, I found that they were really long and were threaded up half the length of my arm under my skin. It was really painful to pull them out. And then I realized that they were stuck in all over my body."

"Eww..."

Neither one of us mentioned the middle-of-the-night sex.

The more time that passes, though, the more deeply I love him and the calmer I feel about all of it. I think I am finally accepting the way things are. Maybe that's because things are relatively calm between us right now, though. Who knows... it's become pretty volatile pretty fast in the past, I guess...

Anyway, I left there at around 11:00 AM because I had plans to meet Bezoukhoff for coffee (which turned into breakfast.) I hadn't seen him in a while, as he has been spending a lot of time in DC. ("Cheating on NY," I told him). We met in the East 20's, ate and then poked around a few vintage and consignment shops. They had some interesting objects, including some of those old 1950's fat-jiggler exercise machines. We parted ways when he was headed off to meet the professor he works for.

At 4:00 PM I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but I am constantly disappointed in myself for being a "low energy" person. You need tons of energy to support the voice correctly, and I sometimes wish I were one of those people who talked really fast and sped around bouncing off walls. Instead, I'm more of a sedentary thinker-type. In any case, I tried to use my AA learned "act 'as if'" skills and fabricated as much energy as possible. It did the trick well enough for me to sing an Aida that Cherubino said "she'd pay money to hear" when she showed up early for her 5:00 PM lesson.

From there, it was straight to Penn Station. I had an appointment to make my amends to LilSis and JBC out on Long Island. The train pulled in at around 7:15 PM. They picked me up in LilSis' new car. (She finally traded in the car she has been driving since high school!). We went to a diner and chatted and I had a really good time with them. They were both telling me about their jobs. Also, JBC has a friend who is suffering from untreated drug addiction and they asked my advice. It's kind of mind blowing that I have become someone who can help with that! It felt good.

I didn't make the amends there in the diner, though, because I wanted to do theirs separately. So, back at my parents house, I took them each into my stepdad's office and did my thing. JBC said "of course it's all okay" and gave me a hug. LilSis (who has the emotional defense of being a little more "digital") told me that it was "very thorough." Then she asked if I was scared to have to tell people my emotions like that and make myself vulnerable.

"Yes. It is scary. Especially because in our family we don't like to talk about feelings about anything real," I said.

She agreed.

The most amazing thing, though, is that I am changing that in my family. I am being an agent of change. Things have always been "just the way they are." "Just because..." But they don't have to be. My recovery really is my family's recovery and I love that. I like being a sort of bridge between the "human" and "divine." That's how I like to imagine my "mission" anyway.

My stepbrother was there eating dinner with my stepdad and he was thrilled to see me. So, I took him over to the piano and we played some songs before he had to go to bed. He is really getting better and better. He is able to walk the length of the hallway now with NO support. It really is a fucking miracle.

I texted Narc on the train ride home, but he didn't answer. I think I got back to my place at around midnight. It had been a long day.

Yesterday I woke up a little reluctant to start the day. I think it was because I was asked to speak at an AA meeting and I was nervous. I talked to B on the phone for a while and then to Pixie and both conversations made me feel better. So, by noon, I felt up to the task.

The meeting was one I had never been to. It was in a run down church basement about twenty blocks or so from my place. I was one of the first ones there. A man arrived, dressed rather well, and he started a conversation with me.

"Do you know where I got these clothes?" he asked.

"Um, no... Where?" I smiled.

"From a Roman Catholic Priest!" he exclaimed.

He went on to tell me that he is homeless, that last night he ate a wrap-sandwich out of the garbage (strangely emphasizing the fact that it was a "wrap") and that he is being screwed by the government and the VA. He said that he was a Vietnam-vet.

"But I threw my fucking medals away!"

Another man there told him to watch his language because there was a "lady in the room." This led the Vet to profusely apologize while I blushed and kept awkwardly insisting that it "really was okay."

What the fuck am I going to say to these people now? I kept thinking. I have nothing to offer them. My story can't compare. This is going to be awful. This is an embarrassing mess!

But, the meeting started to fill up and thankfully some women arrived, which made me feel a little more at ease. By the time I was supposed to begin, the room was filled. And I just opened my mouth and spoke and something came out. And heads around the room were nodding in agreement and identification and people laughed and all eyes were locked onto me. After I spoke it went into an open discussion and everyone who shared told me what a "gripping" and "beautiful" story I had. I can't tell you how good it felt to realize that I did have something to offer after all. Those lessons are all around me these days.

I felt so wonderful after the meeting. It was such a rush to have to such rewarding feedback from everyone. I was supposed to go meet a newcomer (who had just relapsed) for coffee but while I was walking there, she called. She said she had double booked and sounded really stressed about it, so I told her we could reschedule. I had a jam-packed AA day planned anyway.

I went home and showered and rested up a bit and then went over to my regular Thursday night meeting (where I have a commitment). I'm glad I was there because I saw a girl there who had come in in December but had since disappeared, also having relapsed. I found her after the meeting and told her to come out to the anniversary "watch" that night. I had to be there for the whole thing, as I was chairing it that evening.

She agreed and we headed up to the diner after the meeting (with about thirty other people!). It was great to talk to her. We were also sitting with another new girl who is only 19. I can't imagine coming in to get sober at that age. At 19, my worst drinking and drugging was just beginning! Neither of them stayed until the end, but I was there until midnight. Narc texted me at some point about some TV show that was on. I wrote him back and asked how he was, but he never answered. He seems to be in "ignore-mode" lately... until he feels like seeing me, that is.

When I got home from the watch, NDN came up to my apartment and we hung out for a while and caught up until around 1:30 AM. He is in his final days as a "man of leisure" as he starts his new job soon.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little run down today, and think I may just take it easy-- do my laundry, finish my syllabus, etc. I'm stressing a little about finding a topic for my research paper this semester. But I love that. I actually have the emotional space and the brain space to think about my academics, to care about my paper topic, to actually be a graduate student again!!! It's so amazing to have that back. I thought it would never come. Also-- there's a movie I really want to see and it's been out since October, so I'm pretty sure it's going to disappear any day-- Before the Devil Knows You're Dead with Philip Seymour Hoffman. I absolutely love him. The movie is playing in the East Village at 4:20, so maybe I'll drag myself out to go see it.

Well, I guess that's it for now... I'll be back with more when there's more happening!

love,
h