Blah, blah... avoidance....

"This too shall pass."

Whether things are good or things are bad, they too shall pass...

And I seem to have lost the energy and momentum of last week... just when I though I had turned some sort of "permanent" corner.

Nothing is wrong, per say, but I'm feeling depressed. The slip-sliding started on Saturday night and I officially landed in the hole this morning-- deep and hard enough that I couldn't really get out of bed today.

I suspect that a huge piece of this is Narc, as much as I struggle not to allow my craziness about him to colonize my life. When he left here on Saturday he told me to call him later that evening. When I did call, he didn't pick up and didn't call back. I texted him and tried him one more time (at around 1:00 AM) to tell him that I was going to bed. He never responded.

Yesterday I sent him a text message. He didn't answer.

I know it doesn't mean anything, but I hate when he acts like I don't exist because I have trouble letting it go. It's annoying. ("It's not just annoying, it's MEAN, Hyde!" Brick said this afternoon.)

I mean, I don't understand him when he does this. How hard is it to write back and say "actually, I want some time to myself tonight?" Or "sorry, I made plans with someone else?" But, I suppose I know how he is and this is how he has always been, and so I'm only hurting myself with these expectations.

Not that it matters... everything is fine.

Fine.

But today I couldn't get up.

Actually-- I had trouble waking up yesterday too. Yesterday I slept until 2:00 PM. That's what happens when I don't set an alarm. All I did yesterday was meet B to go to a contemplative candlelight Taizé service in the evening. In any case, today I made sure to set my alarm. I woke up at 9:00 AM but stayed in bed until noon. Then I got up for a little while, but ended up napping again from 1:00 -3:00 PM. Fucking ridiculous!

By the time I woke up again at 3:00, I was even more depressed because I hadn't done anything with myself.

I learned in AA that "right thinking" follows "right action" and not the other way around. So, I wrested myself up and made myself make a "to-do" list and then I graded a few papers for students with incompletes. But I still feel awful.

I've barely eaten today. I have no food in my house except for pretzel rods and nuts and so that's all I've had. I can't even build up the incentive to order in dinner.

There is one thing that has brought me pleasure today-- I've been listening to the soundtrack for Sweeny Todd (the original recording from the '70's). I haven't listened to it in a few years, but remembered how wonderful it is when I saw the movie last week. I love "Gothic musicals." It's got the darkness of Jekyll and Hyde but is much more musically complex (obviously). Also-- I downloaded the sheet music for Sondheim's "Being Alive" from Company which is one of the most beautiful pieces of music and lyrics ever written. Unfortunately, it's written for a man so it doesn't sit right in my voice. Who cares... I've been singing it anyway. (Except the E-flat is still broken on my piano and that was depressing me too.)

So... blah. Blah, blah, blah. That's where I'm at today.

I hate him.

Nah, that's not true. I love him. He left his watch here and I put it on today.

I just hate having to engage with the world right now. If I'm in the groove, life is brilliant. But if I fall out, it is SO fucking hard to find my way back in.

Tomorrow I have that meeting with my department chair. I'm anxious about it. Maybe some of the depression is about that too. AVOIDANCE seems to be my most basic defense. Depression, for me, is often not true depression; but rather it's just avoidance.

Um... that's it for now.

love,
h