Ambivalence

Just back in from my (date?) with TT and I have to say-- I had a great time. There was no pressure, no attempted kisses (except for on the hand) and I only thought about Narc for maybe 20 minutes of the evening (although, when I did, it was painful and filling). An overall improvement, I'd say.

We met for dinner on his side of town, then to see There Will Be Blood in Times Square and then over to Cheers. (That part of the evening was not planned, but just somehow happened.)

I still feel weird at Cheers (no surprise there, I suppose). I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl and one of the Colombians. PumpedUp was a little drunk and kept hugging me and rubbing my back and holding my hand and telling me how wonderful I looked and wanting to introduce me to his new girlfriend. He said he hasn't spoken to IrishBird in three months now. It was strange that he confided in me. He told me that my eyes were brighter and that I was glowing and seemed happy. I told him it was good to hear-- it was a good reminder of why I got sober in the first place.

"You were so messed up then," he said. "I didn't want to be the one to say it to you, and I wasn't going to stop serving you, but every night I thought-- this girl has to stop."

"Yeah, I was really sick," I said.

"Are you happy now Hyde?"

"Um, yeah..."

I'm not sure why I never like to answer that question. Maybe the honest truth is that I don't know. In any case, I miss them over there. I don't miss the bar so much and I don't miss the karaoke nights. I miss the "family" that I had there for those few years. I told PumpedUp and ThursdayGirl that.

"We miss you too!" they said.

"Come by any time and I'll line you up shots of diet coke!" PumpedUp laughed.

I laughed too. I didn't want to tell him that I can't do a "shot" of anything-- even diet coke.

Anyway, I went to my first yoga class this afternoon-- something I've been wanting to try for a while. I was scared to go, but am glad that I did. I feel good that I walked through a fear and did something positive for myself.

Yesterday I had lunch with Contessa at the California Pizza Kitchen and then went to Fortunoff's and bought myself a ring with my birthday/Christmas money. Bezoukhoff came over at around 5:00 and we watched a Soviet film --Andre Rublev-- about a medieval Russian icon painter. It was long and strange. But Bezoukhoff gave me the DVD for my birthday, so I will have the chance to watch it again, mull over it and try to figure it out.

Afterwards, we headed to the West Village for Anxious and Bulgi's party. A friend of theirs threw the party in an apartment on West 8th Street. It was a strange building with a doorman/elevator man who was watching television in the lobby. Anxious looked pretty and she looked happy and that was nice. There was a lot of awkward cocktail party conversation going on, though, and it seemed like that was all there was to be had there.

At one point, the host's brother stopped the party for toasts. Everyone was trying to tell stories about the newlyweds, but almost everyone there had befriended Anxious and Bulgi after they were already a couple. I was the only one who knew them both independently before they knew each other. Some people were referring to the "juicy" story of the way they met. I think I am the only one (besides the two of them and the Stallion) who know all of the really juicy details though. I am happy for Anxious, but this whole thing leaves me with a strange feeling in my stomach-- it's probably just guilt/nostalgia/self-hatred/self-romanticizing ambivalence that I have about my drinking days-- the same discomfort I had in Cheers tonight.

Changing who you are as a person and committing to recovery is really fucking confusing sometimes.

After the party, Bezoukhoff and I headed to Marie's Crisis and then to the Monster where my favorite pianist was working. We were there until nearly 4:00 AM before we grabbed a bite at the Waverly Diner and then went home.

Anyway... I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I have to get some work done on this paper. I have to keep pressing forward and get it finished.

By the way-- I LOVED the movie tonight. The score was intense and kind of brilliant. The whole film seemed like what would come out if "America" (as a concept) underwent psychoanalysis. And I have a new crush on Daniel Day Lewis because he has such beautiful eyes and had an amazing timbre to his voice and his character drank and made me nervous. There were two scenes, though, in which he reminded me a lot of my dad and that kind of gave me the creeps.

Anyway... that's enough blogging for now. I need to try to get to bed before 4:30 AM. I seem to be settling back into my old bad habit of 4:00-5:00 AM bedtimes, and I don't want it to prevent me from being able to do my work.

Hope you are all well out there.

love,
h