"To Conquer Death you Only Have to Die"

Yesterday was one for the books...

After I posted in the afternoon, I went to class and then to AA. BigSis' friend AGrub came to the meeting with me, just to "check it out." After he left, we were having elections. While they were counting the ballots, everyone waited restlessly. There must have been at least 200 people there.

"Hey, R-- got any entertainment for us?" our meeting chair shouted out to the guy who plans most of our group activities.

"How about Cherubino and Hyde sing something?" he suggested.

Everyone started cheering, and although I didn't want to, I found myself peer-pressured into the front of the room. But where was Cherubino?? I didn't see her anywhere.

"Go on, Hyde! Sing something!!"

I so, so, SO didn't want to. I hate doing anything unprepared, let alone singing without accompaniment, sheet music or a lot of time to mentally overcome my shyness and stage fright. Yet there, I was, suddenly in front of a microphone staring out at the crowd. So... I sang. They cheered. Everyone congratulated me like mad afterwards. But I felt sick and flushed and the whole thing was absolutely surreal.

On my way home, Narc called. He was wasted beyond belief. I could barely understand anything he was saying. But I somehow ended up agreeing to let him come over.

Back at my place, I called Cherubino to process the whole singing thing with her. She told me to "write it out" and call her back before 11:00 PM.

Then the doorbell rang. Narc was stumbling into the walls. I poured him a glass of water and lit him a cigarette.

"Take off your clothes," he said.

"Not yet, Narc. I just got home. I need to unwind first."

He started to kiss me. It was like taking the "first drink"-- a chemical reaction. He almost dropped his cigarette. I burned the tip of my finger. Unmanageabilty.

"Well, I'm going to take off my clothes, then," he said.

We stood there for a while-- making out in the space between my dining table and my kitchen counter. He stripped my clothes off me. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I was afraid he was going to fall down and crack open his head. So... I led him into the bedroom.

We had sex, but he was really very drunk and every time I tried to look in his eyes, they were unfocused and rolling back. He was sloppy and smelled sweet and sour-- like old whiskey, sugar and smoke.

"I love you," I said.

He said something back that was incomprehensible. I thought he was going to pass out.

"Will you rub my back?" he asked? "Do you have massage oil?"

I was surprised at this request.

"Um... yeah... let me go find some."

I gave him a massage and he passed out cold in the middle. I felt a little sick. I went to go look for my cell phone to call back my sponsor to go over my singing fear/resentment. I couldn't find my phone anywhere. It was almost 11:00 PM.

Shit, shit, shit! Where was my phone???

I picked up Narc's phone so that I could call mine and find it by the ring. His phone had two missed calls. One was from Laurie. It bothered me. I snooped. I looked at his sent messages. He had a whole bunch of affectionate messages sent to her.

"I'm sorry if I seem too forward sometimes love," one of them said. "Just wish you would let go a bit and let me love you. Promise you won't get hurt."

Obviously that sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Is there any other way to interpret that? But I swallowed down my feelings, called my sponsor and didn't say a word about Narc.

When I hung up the phone with her, I felt empty and spent and spinning. I felt sick and dark. I called Pixie and talked some of it through with her.

"If you don't want him to be there right now, ask him to leave," she said. "And you're not alone. I'm here. You can call me at any moment. And God is with you right there in your apartment."

I agreed to try.

I went back into the bedroom. Narc was still flopped on his stomach snoring into my pillow.

"Narc... wake up," I nudged softly. He didn't even flinch.

"Narc! Narc!" I insisted a little louder. I started to push his arm a little.

He was stone cold knocked out. There was no point to this. I called Pixie back. We agreed that I would sleep on the couch and call her if I needed anything else. I dragged a comforter and pillows over to the sofa. I was so uncomfortable... so much pain, so much fear, so much anxiety, so much confusion. I kept trying to remind myself of what she had told me-- that I wasn't alone. It was then that StarGazer called. I lay there huddled in on the couch and told her what had happened. It feels good to have such amazing friends. Finally, after 1:00 AM, I was able to drift off to sleep.

At around 6:00 AM, I heard him moving around from the bathroom to the kitchen. I opened my eyes.

"Narc? Is that you?"

"Yeah... What are you doing out here?" he asked.

"I was mad at you."

"Come back to bed, Hyde," he said. He was still clearly half asleep. So was I.

"I don't know."

"Well, stay out here if you want, but I'm going back to bed. And I think you should come with me."

"Umm.... well, ok."

I followed him into the bedroom and he snuggled me close, but I kept on my underwear and tank top as a defense. I was asleep again within minutes.

This morning I woke up at around 9:00 AM. He was still in a deep sleep. At around 10:30 I tried to nudge him awake.

"Mmm... not just yet," he said.

"Narc, I want to talk to you though," I whispered.

He didn't respond.

"Narc-- I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Did I just say that? Who made me say that?

He opened one eye and looked down at me. I felt tears starting to well up in my own.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, calmly.

"I just... I just don't think this is working anymore," I stammered. "I mean-- it's painful, right?"

"Who's in pain?" he asked. "What's painful?"

"I am... I'm in pain. Pain, pain, pain. And it can't have a good ending."

"Nothing has a good ending, Hyde," he smiled. "It all ends in death."

"Death doesn't have to be a bad thing," I murmured.

I suddenly regretted having opened this can of worms.

"I just don't feel good in it. I mean-- you know that I... the feelings I have for you... and you want something else. I mean... I just don't think it's healthy. I can't..."

He didn't respond. So, I just put my head down in the pillow and cried.

He started to stroke my hair and pulled me in close. I could feel my hot tears on his chest soaking back into my own eyelashes. He put his hand down my underwear. I didn't say anything either.

You're not going anywhere, he was saying in the silence. You belong to me. I didn't protest.

So... we had sex. But I was still crying.

"What do you think about what I said?" I asked afterwards.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "You know I love being with you. And I thought you were cool with everything. I mean, I know that you had feelings for me in the past, but I thought that since we got back together it was understood that we were just having fun together."

"Did I say that?" I asked.

"Yeah, you did."

"Well, if I ever said that, maybe I wanted to believe it. But come on, Narc... You know how I feel about you. I've been in love with you for three years. Don't pretend you don't know that."

Anyway, some time later, I insisted we get out of bed.

"Today is B's birthday," I explained. "I have to meet him for lunch and then work on my paper and then go to a voice lesson and then meet my friend NV to go to the opera tonight."

"What are you seeing?"

"Vanessa. It's Samuel Barber."

I got up and started to get dressed. He masturbated while he watched me dress. It was a little weird. I felt sad.

Finally, he got up and got dressed too. I was lacing up my boots.

"Can we finish this discussion?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure..." he said.

The whole thing was so uncomfortable though.

"I just don't want to sit around waiting for my heart to be broken."

"How can your heart be broken, Hyde? There are no surprises here. It's not like one day I'm just going to drop it on you that I'm going away."

"You have in the past!"

"I have not... only once maybe, when we had a talk similar to this one. And that's only because I want you to be happy."

"I just know you're going to date someone else one of these days and it's going to hurt."

"What about you?" he asked. "Why don't you date someone else?"

"I can't if I'm in love with you!"

He just stared back at me.

"I know you have a crush on Laurie," I said.

"What? No-- Laurie and I are just friends."

"No, Narc... You have a crush on her. Remember, you called me by her name?"

"There's nothing between me and Laurie that I know of."

"That you know of? Well, say that if you want, but I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. It just hurts."

"Hyde, what do you want?"

"I just feel like half a person when I'm with you, Narc. I'm not whole. I'm not even half... I'm just a part... a piece... sex. There's nothing else you value about me. And I have to deny my own feelings all the time. I don't want to be in love with you, but I am. And I always try to make that go away, but I can't make it!"

"I care about you," he said. "I do."

"I guess I know that," I said. "I mean-- I know you care about me. If you didn't, or if I didn't know that, I wouldn't still be here."

" And I love being with you," he said. "But you want me to value you? I don't know what you want me to say to that..."

"Maybe you could find some ways to show it?"

"How do you want me to show it?"

I wasn't sure how to answer his question.

"This is not a one night stand anymore, Narc. It's NOT a one night stand!"

"But it's not a marriage either."

I started laughing out loud.

"A marriage?! God, no! Who is saying that? I just want it to be more whole-- more real... I want to feel respected... valued."

"What does that even mean, though, Hyde?"

"I used to think you and I were so similar," I said. "I used to think we're so similar, but we're not."

"We're definitely not," he said.

"I know... we're not. We think about things differently. Way different things factor into our decision making. I mean-- I know we're not compatible in a relationship, but the way I think gets overwhelmed by my heart. My heart doesn't care. I pulled that lever to love you three years ago this month and I can't un-pull it!"

"You should un-pull it."

"I can't."

"Well, first of all-- I don't think we're incompatible," he said.

"We are."

"No... we're not. We're just not what the other is looking for in the opposite sex."

"How do you know what I'm looking for?"

"Well, you're not looking for me, Hyde! I drink every night... my lifestyle... always going out... I'm not what you want."

"And what are you looking for?"

"Someone that makes me burn to do things I need to do," he said. "I need a really strong woman. Strong and motivated..."

I didn't say anything.

"We just don't find those things that we need in each other," he went on.

"I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship with you, Narc. Trust me-- I know that you're not what I want in the long term. You're not what I want on paper."

"Then what are you asking me for?" he asked.

Again, I didn't know what to say. What AM I asking him for? What DO I want from him? Have I ever even bothered to work out my own answers to those questions?

"I don't know how to answer that," I told him. "Maybe we could finish this conversation once I've had time to think. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about it."

He smiled at that.

"I just want to feel more whole," I went on. "I want to feel like you want all of me in whatever it is we do... it's not just you, but I need that in all my relationships. We don't do things like friends. We don't act like friends."

"If we act like friends and we're having sex, then that's a relationship," he said.

"You've said that before, but it's not true. It's just respect and appreciation."

We were sitting on my bed. He was in his overcoat. I had been downloading my paper onto my laptop while we were talking.

"You're going to be late to meet B," he said.

"Yeah, I know. Can we talk about this more in a few days?"

"Of course," he said.

I went into the living room and pulled on my coat.

"Do you think it's cold outside?"

"I don't' know."

"Can I have a hug?"

"Of course."

I swung my arms up around his neck and buried my face in that cavern between his cheek and shoulder.

We walked out to the elevator together. I put on another coat of lip gloss.

I got the first cab. He gave me another hug.

"I'll talk to you in a few days, hon," he said.

It was awkward.

And then I went to lunch with B.

love,
h