So Be It

I've been scatter-brained all day today, but clearer about certain things. I overslept, left my lecture notes at home, had to fast until 2:30 in the afternoon...

When I woke up this morning, I had gotten a text from Narc sent at 6:50 AM.

Come down when you're up. Call, it said.

I know this has happened a million and one times before, but it left me feeling like crap. He goes out with his "real friends" for Halloween and I get the 7:00 AM blow job text message? Maybe Toy is right-- maybe I should start charging. I felt disgusted. I didn't want to see him.

I didn't respond.

Therapy was helpful this afternoon. We are talking about things that make me uncomfortable, but I have also been feeling a little more real.

After therapy I had to go have my blood drawn for a post-surgery check-up. Like I said, I was fasting, and they took fourteen viles of blood from me! I was so woozy when it was done. To make matters worse, they drew from both my arms. I'm sure it's going to bruise.

While I was sitting there with the needle stuck into me, watching that hot red fluid fill up the test tubes, my phone vibrated in my pocket. On my way out of the lab, my knees already weak, I checked the message. It was Narc, in a voice that made my knees even weaker. His voice was low and a little gravely and he called me "Hydeeeen," as he is sometimes prone to do. He wanted to see me.

I stumbled into a diner and ordered some melon and cottage cheese. I called my mom on the phone and we talked for a good 40 minutes before I hung up with her and decided to call Narc back. He wanted to see me.

"I'm not free right now," I said. "I'm finishing up in a diner. Then I have to go to Club Monaco to get BigSis a gift card for her birthday. And then I have AA later..."

"AA gets in the way of all our evenings," he said.

"I can come by after," I offered. (I really didn't want to.)

"But I wanted to see you earlier. I was trying to make dinner plans with Laurie for later."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Narc. I'm not free until later."

"Why don't you call me after AA?" he suggested.

"Fine," I agreed.

I asked him how his Halloween had been.

"It was fun. We went out to the bar. ModelChick came and dressed like a girl scout. Frenchie went as a geisha. It wasn't a late night though."

"Seemed like it from your 7:00 AM text..."

"That's because James and I came back to my place and played the new Mario Brothers. It is seriously THE work of art of the millennium. It's more gorgeous than any painting I've ever seen."

"Narc! I can't believe that."

The phone call went on for a few more minutes, but my heart was dead in my throat and so I was not myself.

I didn't want to see him.

I went through the rest of the day as planned. I had some time to kill before AA, so I went into a breathtaking church on 65th and Lex and just sat there.

It's a French-Gothic style church. I've passed it a million times, but have never gone in. And, as luck would have it, they're having a free concert of Faure's Requiem on Friday night!

Anyway, I was filling in for LashGirl on her literature commitment tonight, so AA was happily distracting with work for me to do. I got to talk to Hammer for a few minutes before the meeting, which was nice, as we have been playing phone tag. She told me about a strange dream that she had in which she and I were swimming in the ocean and Spinsterwitch was a mermaid on a nearby cruise-ship that had left the port without us!

Afterwards, I went out for dinner with Pixie and Yogarl. We sat and talked and sat and talked and sat and talked and I never called Narc back.

And now it is 11:00 PM and I've just gotten home. So, I just now called Narc. Of course, he didn't pick up. (I'm sure he's either mad at me for putting him off, or is out drinking and hasn't had a single thought of me. Either way, it sucks.) I still don't want to see him. I am going to change the rules. I am not going to be available to him unless I am truly available. He's going to have to respect my time. If that means this thing falls apart, then so be it. I can't be "Atlas" holding it all together anymore.

I told him in my message to call me by 11:15 or I was going to sleep. I mean it. (I think?) No-- I really do mean it.

Anyway, that's it for now.

love,
h

ADDENDUM:

I just got a text from Narc: "At amazing Jazz club-- sorry. Out for a bit, love to see you later, else next time."

So, I wrote back: "Cool. Text later if you want to see if I'm still up. Otherwise, next time, like you said."

UGH!