Thanksgiving

A lot has been going on over the past few days... On Saturday night, I went to a birthday dinner for B. StarGazer came with me. It was at a little Burmese place in the East Village. I had a good time, but I have to say-- B has a really odd group of friends.

Afterwards, StarGazer and I went for a walk. We stopped by the Perry Street Workshop (a place for AA meetings) and we saw a guy almost choke to death before another guy frantically saved him with the Heimlich maneuver, all while some girl was screaming "Call 911!!"

The street outside was packed with snow, even though it hasn't snowed here. It was odd, but I later found out that it was because they were filming a scene for the Sex in the City movie over there.

After that I went to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show-tunes for the next two hours. I sighted SingMan across the piano. We made acknowledging eye-contact, but that was about it.

Later that night, I went down to see Narc. It was fine. Well... fine. Nothing new there. I was so hyper after the singing that my arrival there felt a little like a downer. The next afternoon we went out for Vietnamese food and talked and talked and talked (about mostly nothing, however...).

Later that day, I curled up in bed, ignored the rain and finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.

On Monday I went to therapy in the morning-- a sort of "emergency" extra session since I'm going through so much confusion with all of this Narc shit right now. My therapist has an interesting theory about my behavior-- He suggested that because of the chaos I grew up with that it's important to me to be 100% unswerving and stable and devoted and never, ever break a promise, because I am being the parent that I wished for. So, I am being that way to Narc... but in doing so, I trap myself. Anyway, it was more developed than that, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now.

Then, I started to do a little reading in preparation for my next paper. I also got a pedicure. Later that night, I met StarGazer, Pixie and Meema at a diner on the Upper West Side before heading over to a show at the Beacon Theater-- The Swell Season-- Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and a group of backup musicians including a cellist and a violinist. Martha Wainright opened for them. The concert was fucking amazing. I haven't had a live music experience like that in a long time. It made me want to write poetry. Pixie was crying next to me the whole time. I love being friends with emotional and slightly fucked up girls. We definitely all "get" each other.

I got into bed at around 1:00 AM last night and fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour or so later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He wanted me to come down and watch Scarface with him.

"I'm asleep though," I said, wanting to be convinced.

"You can sleep on the couch while we watch," he said. "Just come cuddle with me."

"I don't know..."

"Well, I don't want to drag you here."

"That's not very convincing, Narc!"

"Hyde, just come here now!" he said, finally delivering the bossiness I love from him.

"Ok."

As you can see, I send mixed signals and don't really help myself at all.

So, I went. We watched Scarface. I dozed off on the couch. He cooked a sausage and drank "King's Tea." We went to bed and had lots of sex.

Maybe I'm still in love with him? I thought. No... I'm not. Well, yes, I am. I feel so comfortable with him. My body wants to be next to his. It's just natural. That's not love. That's habit. But I DO love him. So what? What does that have to do with anything?

Anyway, we woke up this morning and had more sex. Narc asked where I wanted to go for lunch. We had been joking about going to "Hooters" the night before (something that made me nostalgic for my days with VJ!). Suddenly, though, James called and Narc turned around and made lunch plans with him without saying a word to me about it! He didn't apologize or invite me. I don't know why I was surprised. It was just a bitter reminder that Narc is Narc is Narc. So, I got dressed with a grimace on my face and blew out of there as quickly as possible.

AA was fun tonight. After the meeting I went out with a group of friends to the diner and stayed until just after midnight. I want to go get into bed and catch up on my soap opera. But I figured if I didn't update now, I might not until after the holiday... and by then, my whole world may have changed. Who knows what fate will throw in my path!

Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to catch up with Hammer. Then I have a voice lesson and then I'm heading out to Long Island.

In case I'm not back sooner, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all! We all have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful just for being able to feel grateful. Just for being able to feel anything at all.

I'm starting to understand the beauty of life on life's terms... acceptance... even if not everything is the way I want it to be.

love,
h

By the way-- my cat's personality is changing. Is it possible for a cat's personality to change? He is so much more aggressive about getting my attention lately. He used to ignore me a lot more. Strange...