The Grand Illusion

I was feeling empowered last night-- empowered and run down at the same time.

So, like I said, I got into bed at 11:30 or so and started to drift off to sleep. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He said he really wanted to see me. I told him that I was already drifting off. He said he left James at the Jazz club because James had just rung up the coke dealer, and Narc didn't want that kind of night.

"I could come to you, Hyde. I could be there in 10 minutes. I would like to see you."

"Um.... well, ok."

I hopped out of bed, cleared my computer history, swept the makeup containers off my bed, straightened out the pillows and took a breath. Then the doorman buzzed me.

I answered the door in my underpants and socks-- it's what I had been sleeping in.

"Hyde, you should be naked," he said, sweeping past me. "Take off the rest of your clothes."

"Ok."

Narc took off his coat and sat down on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.

"Your elevator is Orwellian," he said.

"It is?"

"Come over here and undress me."

"Undress you?"

He was in a strange mood and I was sleepy. I complied, kneeling to pull off his shoes and socks. When I had finished, he stood there staring me in the eyes.

"God, I love you," he said. "You know that I love you, don't you?"

I shook my head "no."

"I do. Of course I do. How could you not know that I do?"

I just stood there, not saying anything. Narc said he would be right back.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm going to pee. I want to be able to enjoy this moment. But I don't want you to move. Don't move until I come back."

I laughed to myself. We've both seen Secretary.

Anyway, he came back. I hadn't moved. What followed is way too personal to detail on the blog, but he was incredibly loving and in an incredibly strange mood. He kept calling me a "mermaid." "My sweet, sweet mermaid," he was saying. He put his head on my belly and my chest and was clinging to me. He kept telling me that I was beautiful. He put his hands around my waist.

"You're really losing weight," he said. "Are you still going to love me when you're done?"

"Are you still going to love me?" I asked. I didn't know what to say.

"Of course, of course," he murmured. "I love you now."

We had sex for a while. Then we sat on the couch.

"I'm going to ask you something a little misogynistic," he said.

"What?"

I was bracing myself for something bad.

"Can you go get me some cigarettes and an ashtray?"

"Narc! Of course! How is that misogynistic? You know I like doing things for you."

He wanted to go into the shower. I said "ok." Some strange sexual things ensued. Like I said-- a weird, weird night.

I don't think this has changed anything. I haven't changed my sentiment at all since my last post. But I let myself enjoy last night for what it was-- a moment in time.

Later, when we got in bed, it was more of the same.

"I love you, Hyde," he kept whispering.

"Do you really?" I asked.

"How can you even ask that?" he said, again.

What am I supposed to think?

Anyway, it wasn't broken when we got up this morning. He put his arms around my waist and snuggled me in so close. We got up at around 9:30 (when Hammer called) and laid around for most of the morning being insanely decadent. I told him I had to meet Contessa for lunch at 1:00, so he called and made a lunch plan with the Exhibitionist. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we left the house.

So, here I am-- just back from lunch with Contessa. We went for sushi. She talked a bit about her new-married life.

So, here I am-- not about to go back on the progress I've made. I don't care that he says he "loves me." (Well, obviously I care. Obviously it kills me and melts me!) But, I still need to be treated with respect. I still don't want to set myself up for more pain. I still don't want to compromise my own needs, my own schedule, my own health, my own work, my own relationships for him.

As beautiful as last night was, it exists in a time capsule and I can't let it deter me.

B is coming with me to the Faure concert tonight.

That's it for now.

love,
h