(Pardon the clumsy writing. I am in the middle of a game of scrabble).
Well, I don't really want to talk about the debacle with my department chair because it will put me in a bad mood. Besides, I don't have to meet with him until tomorrow, so who knows how all of that will turn out.
In terms of the Narc story? On Friday I went to the movies by myself-- I went to see No Country for Old Men. (I didn't like it as much as I hoped to!). In any case, Narc had not responded to any of my texts while I was sick. I was feeling sad and a little lonely, but also a little strong and so I decided to change his name in my phone book to "Rejection." That way, whenever "Rejection" called, I would have to make a decision whether or not to answer and take full responsibilities for the emotional consequences of answering "Rejection's" call.
Rejection did finally text me while I was in the movie. He answered a "how are you?" that I had posed two days earlier. I wrote him back that I'd give him a call when I got out of the theater.
We talked on the phone for a little while after that while I poked around in Old Navy. He asked if I wanted to come down and spend the night. I agreed. I think I got to his place at around 10:00 PM. We watched the third Indiana Jones movie. He wasn't feeling well-- he caught the cold that seems to be going around NY. He had a hacking cough that night, and a fever and chills. He woke me up in the morning to go to Duane Reade to get him some cold medicine.
When I got back, we hung out for the rest of the day and watched movies. He wanted to watch Kieslowski's Red because he had a dream a few weeks before that he met a young ingenue and her name was "Irene Jacob." At some point, I had to start working on my syllabus, so I did that for a few hours while he played some Zelda.
At around 8:00 I left to go to Hammer's party. I was the first one there. She and the Alaskan had cleaned up the apartment and made it look so pretty and they had such pretty food out on display. Hammer even made a paella. It was a fun party. I got to talk to No-Eyebrows, a girl that Hammer and Bezoukhoff and I had classes with our first year in the program. Velma was also there, another former classmate... and two more guys from our program-- one that Hammer and Velma call "the Niii-rd" and a guy called BeardFace. I mostly talked to them at the party, even though Hammer had some other interesting friends there too!
I was still a little run down from being sick all last week, though, and so I couldn't stay that late. Besides, Narc texted me to come back to his place. But this is where I went a little crazy. When I opened my phone to check his text, it said that it was from "Rejection V---l" ("V---l" is his last name.)
My stomach completely dropped down to the floor and my knees felt weak. Obviously, at some point, he had looked in my phone, he saw that he was listed as "Rejection" and he changed the entry by adding his last name. I was mortified. And I was shocked that he had acted "normally" all afternoon, not letting on. I didn't know what to do. I tried to explain to Hammer what had happened. She said to act "normal" myself. So, I did. I just wrote back and pretended that nothing was wrong. He asked me to bring ice cream over. I agreed.
So, it was back to his place at around 12:30 AM, in massive denial about the weird dynamics between us. We watched a little more TV and then went to bed.
The next day, I didn't plan on staying there all day, but somehow I ended up not leaving. I went back to Duane Reade to buy myself some underwear and to get him a humidifier and some more medicine (and red bull for both of us). He made me coffee. Then we hung out, ordered in food, I worked on my syllabus some more and it was a nice day... He was finally starting to feel a little better.
It was that night while the SAG Awards were on that I got the crazy email from my psycho department chair. I felt a huge cry coming on, so I called my mom. Then, I couldn't help it-- sitting right there on his couch, I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. My mom managed to calm me down, but I don't think Narc had any idea why I was crying. After nearly an hour, I finally hung up with my mom. He asked if he could see the email that prompted the downpour.
"The guy's a dick," he said. "You can't care what people like that say to you."
We watched the rest of the awards show and cuddled and went to bed.
On Monday afternoon, I finally left there. It was like leaving some magic space, some secret bubble, and going back into the "real world." I hadn't even been to an AA meeting in all that time. But I had to get home and back to myself and I had my first class of the semester scheduled that night.
Unfortunately, when I got to class there was a sign posted on the wall that the teacher would be out until next week. So, I came back home, collapsed into bed after an amazing shower and got some sleep.
Yesterday was my first day of teaching for the semester. It was fine, except for the fact that I was running around all morning last minute photocopying my syllabus and then I had to try to dodge my department chair, as I don't want to see him before tomorrow. I forgot to eat all day and by the time I was done teaching (at around 5:00) I was a little woozy. I went to the diner and then went to AA.
Last night, the last Tuesday of the month, we were celebrating anniversaries, so Pixie's parents were at the meeting. I had already met them a few weeks before at her play, but it's nice that they came for her.
Later that night, I talked to Anxious on the phone for a while and then to Brick.
"I'm obsessed with you right now, Hyde!" Brick said.
Aww... nice to know that someone is thinking of me. It's so weird that everyone's in LA all of a sudden...
Anyway, today I had to go have some blood drawn for my six month post-op check up next Wednesday. They took 16 tubes of blood-- again, I was left feeling woozy. It was okay, though, because I had lunch with B soon after. Now I'm home and playing Scrabble online with Hammer. She says she's addicted. I hope it doesn't happen to me. I just have no time for another addiction this semester!
Anyway, wish me luck in my meeting tomorrow. Hopefully I'll survive to tell about it.
love,
h
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
More on that later...
I am so super busy all of a sudden... the semester has descended upon me like a bolt of lightning.
I got screamed at by my department chair in an ALL CAPS EMAIL on Sunday night. It sucked. I have to meet with him on Thursday. Hopefully there will be no screaming in person. More on that later.
I spent the entire weekend with Narc (Friday-Monday). A little drama there, but again-- I'll report on that later.
Oh-- and I went to Hammer's birthday party on Saturday night. Sunday was her birthday. Happy Birthday Hammer! More on that later too.
I have to run right now... I wish I had time to blog. I am boiling over and very anxious. Much to say.
love,
h
I got screamed at by my department chair in an ALL CAPS EMAIL on Sunday night. It sucked. I have to meet with him on Thursday. Hopefully there will be no screaming in person. More on that later.
I spent the entire weekend with Narc (Friday-Monday). A little drama there, but again-- I'll report on that later.
Oh-- and I went to Hammer's birthday party on Saturday night. Sunday was her birthday. Happy Birthday Hammer! More on that later too.
I have to run right now... I wish I had time to blog. I am boiling over and very anxious. Much to say.
love,
h
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Question of Time
Yay! So, I made a rather quick recovery. I woke up this morning feeling halfway normal. Thank God for that, because I had stuff I wanted to do today-- namely attend ProfPP's Intellectual History Seminar.
I met Hammer at a cafe near school at 11:30 where we ate a bite for lunch and caught up on her sister's wedding and her trip to FL with the Alaskan. Then we headed over to the seminar. The topic was modernity-- specifically questions of "the acceleration of time" and also whether the idea of "modernity" is a necessary precursor for the idea of "history" as a discipline in its current form. It was the usual group of academics doing their thing, talking around the round table, but a few of the ideas flying by were interesting and I jotted some things down for further thought.
Hammer and I hung out for a few minutes at school after it was over, then we ate some Pinkberry and then I came back home.
Tonight I went to AA-- my first meeting in nearly a week! I really needed it and it felt good to see everyone again. Tomorrow is StarGazer's birthday so a few of us went out after the meeting to an Italian restaurant. I was really tired (as I am still halfway bed-ridden) but I managed to pull it off, as I usually do.
As for Narc, he is still ignoring me and I am trying to deny the fact that it is making me anxious. It is not making me nearly as anxious as it would have made me a year ago or worse-- two years ago! But I can't help it-- I feel bad and twisted and out of control. Control, control, control... when will I accept that I have none and give up on pining for it?
One last item of note for today-- B got his green card!!!!!!!!! For years and years and years I had anxiety that B would be forced to leave the country in the Spring of 2008, when his grad school student visa expires. That date loomed above me like an ominous cloud. Now, 2008 is here, and none of that matters... he's a married man and he has a GREEN CARD! Huzzah! At least that part of me can rest easy tonight.
Well, that's it for now... I'm looking forward to a nice weekend. I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow and Hammer's having a birthday party on Saturday night.
lots of love,
h
I met Hammer at a cafe near school at 11:30 where we ate a bite for lunch and caught up on her sister's wedding and her trip to FL with the Alaskan. Then we headed over to the seminar. The topic was modernity-- specifically questions of "the acceleration of time" and also whether the idea of "modernity" is a necessary precursor for the idea of "history" as a discipline in its current form. It was the usual group of academics doing their thing, talking around the round table, but a few of the ideas flying by were interesting and I jotted some things down for further thought.
Hammer and I hung out for a few minutes at school after it was over, then we ate some Pinkberry and then I came back home.
Tonight I went to AA-- my first meeting in nearly a week! I really needed it and it felt good to see everyone again. Tomorrow is StarGazer's birthday so a few of us went out after the meeting to an Italian restaurant. I was really tired (as I am still halfway bed-ridden) but I managed to pull it off, as I usually do.
As for Narc, he is still ignoring me and I am trying to deny the fact that it is making me anxious. It is not making me nearly as anxious as it would have made me a year ago or worse-- two years ago! But I can't help it-- I feel bad and twisted and out of control. Control, control, control... when will I accept that I have none and give up on pining for it?
One last item of note for today-- B got his green card!!!!!!!!! For years and years and years I had anxiety that B would be forced to leave the country in the Spring of 2008, when his grad school student visa expires. That date loomed above me like an ominous cloud. Now, 2008 is here, and none of that matters... he's a married man and he has a GREEN CARD! Huzzah! At least that part of me can rest easy tonight.
Well, that's it for now... I'm looking forward to a nice weekend. I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow and Hammer's having a birthday party on Saturday night.
lots of love,
h
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I'm Still Here
Alas...! I am still sick in bed. Although, this thing has finally moved from general aches to an old-fashioned head cold. So-- with enough cold medicine, I'm hoping to be up and about tomorrow. There's a seminar I want to go to hosted by ProfPP. A well known historian will be there speaking. Hammer will be there too and it'll be nice because I haven't seen her in forever!!
So... not much has been happening. I've been watching Season 1 of "Dexter" on Netflix. B recommended it. It's kind of creepy, but entertaining. It's given me something to do... other than be with myself.
Um... what else... Nothing. Nothing much at all. I ordered a ton of Smart-water and red bull and soda and protein shakes and of course they all arrived yesterday and today-- when I am too sick and weak to lift the boxes and unpack everything.
The only thing I did successfully yesterday was go to therapy. I think that being sick somehow "weakened" my emotional defenses.
Haven't seen Narc in a while (since Sat night). Just as well, since I'm too sick to see him anyway.
Well, that's it for now. Just thought I'd drop in on blogland.
love,
h
So... not much has been happening. I've been watching Season 1 of "Dexter" on Netflix. B recommended it. It's kind of creepy, but entertaining. It's given me something to do... other than be with myself.
Um... what else... Nothing. Nothing much at all. I ordered a ton of Smart-water and red bull and soda and protein shakes and of course they all arrived yesterday and today-- when I am too sick and weak to lift the boxes and unpack everything.
The only thing I did successfully yesterday was go to therapy. I think that being sick somehow "weakened" my emotional defenses.
Haven't seen Narc in a while (since Sat night). Just as well, since I'm too sick to see him anyway.
Well, that's it for now. Just thought I'd drop in on blogland.
love,
h
Monday, January 21, 2008
Notes from my Sick Bed
I seem to have come down with a cold. I've got a sore throat and I'm bed bound feeling feverish and sick. Ugh! It's been fucking freezing out over the past few days. Last night, waiting on the train platform, my toes got a little frost bite. (Actually, I think it's "frost nip" as it wasn't all that serious).
In any case, I'm not in the mood to write much, but I figured I'd just get something out...
On Friday I went to the movies by myself (which I never do). I also ate some Russian food with NDN.
On Saturday, I woke up early to go to another meditation at the NY Insight Meditation Center with my mom, BigSis and her friend English. It was definitely an interesting experience. It's very strange to get to see the way your own mind works. I find that focusing on my breathing makes me think about voice lessons which makes me think about the arias I'm trying to memorize which makes me start running them in my head. It's incredible how my brain doesn't want to let go of being "productive."
Afterwards, we all ate lunch at a nearby coffee shop before my mom dropped me back off at home.
That night, NDN and I agreed to go to a birthday party that Meema was throwing for her mother-in-law. The party was up in Hastings-on-Hudson, so Meema was driving us up there. She came by my place at around 5:30 with another friend from AA (named Jesser). After printing a few things out on my computer and fussing and primping a little, we were all set to go.
The party wasn't set to begin until 8:30 PM, but we were there early to help set up. It was held in a beautiful hall. Meema was wearing a stunning gold dress. It was an interesting party-- a lot of speeches. Meema had asked me to perform Schubert's Ave Maria, which of course, I did. I got a standing ovation and a lot of fawning. It was nice. Meema's husband's drunk cousin became enamored with me after the song, though, and that was kind of "awkward" to say the least. When we were leaving, I offered him the obligatory hug good bye and he sort of licked my cheek. It was really gross.
We didn't end up leaving the party until 2:30 AM and at that point, I was a little upset. I had no idea how late the party was going to run, but after midnight, there was no more chance to take a train back so we were basically stuck there until Meema could leave. Plus, I had spoken to Narc earlier in the afternoon and he had invited me to come down there that night. I told him about the party, but guess-timated that I'd be at his place by 2:00 AM or so.
In any case, NDN and I were up to our usual shenanigans-- he texting his new "lover" and I texting Narc. I ended up writing Narc some really dirty texts-- things that I never say and that I'm too embarrassed to put up here on the blog. I wasn't sure how he'd respond. This was all at around 2:00 AM. He didn't really address what I wrote in the texts; rather, he only told me that he'd be home from the bar in ten minutes.
To make a long story short, I got to his place at around 3:00 AM. I was all revved up and ready t o have some crazy sex.
"Come into the bedroom," he said. "I'm just about turning in for the night."
(So far so good.)
I took off my makeup and plugged in my cell phone and brushed my teeth all while chatting with him about the party.
"How did the singing go?" he asked.
"Actually-- it was great."
I climbed into bed with him; he pulled me tight.... no sex. I was totally confused. I tried to initiate, but he wouldn't respond to me. It was the most classic move he could have pulled-- never to give me the upper hand. In any case, it made me smile. I tried my best to fall asleep before the clock struck 5:00 AM. We got to have our crazy sex in the morning.
I had to leave his place by noon, though. I wish I didn't have to, as he was planning to just bum around and watch Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. But my mom had gotten the whole family tickets to see Evita on its national tour out on Long Island. She was throwing an "Argentine Banquet" before the show.
She made steaks with chimmichurri sauce and some kind of Argentine rice and had a spread of Argentine appetizers. Her secretary "D" came with her daughter and so did my steppdad's sister and her family (husband and three kids). And then, of course, there was my family-- my parents, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law and JBC.
The play was fun because we were all together and I got to sit next to my 9-year-old cousin who was endlessly inquisitive, but I couldn't stand the voice on the actress who played Eva. Oh well...
BigSis and Bro-in-Law drove me to a train in their neighborhood to get back to the city. The wind-chill made temperatures below zero-degrees, and that's when my toes almost froze off. It was also probably the last straw (combined with the lack of sleep on Saturday night) that let this stupid virus take hold in my usually robust body. B is sick too, right now, so maybe something is going around.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm off to try to eat a tangerine and take some Tylenol. I feel like shit. I just want to lay here and watch TV.
love,
h
In any case, I'm not in the mood to write much, but I figured I'd just get something out...
On Friday I went to the movies by myself (which I never do). I also ate some Russian food with NDN.
On Saturday, I woke up early to go to another meditation at the NY Insight Meditation Center with my mom, BigSis and her friend English. It was definitely an interesting experience. It's very strange to get to see the way your own mind works. I find that focusing on my breathing makes me think about voice lessons which makes me think about the arias I'm trying to memorize which makes me start running them in my head. It's incredible how my brain doesn't want to let go of being "productive."
Afterwards, we all ate lunch at a nearby coffee shop before my mom dropped me back off at home.
That night, NDN and I agreed to go to a birthday party that Meema was throwing for her mother-in-law. The party was up in Hastings-on-Hudson, so Meema was driving us up there. She came by my place at around 5:30 with another friend from AA (named Jesser). After printing a few things out on my computer and fussing and primping a little, we were all set to go.
The party wasn't set to begin until 8:30 PM, but we were there early to help set up. It was held in a beautiful hall. Meema was wearing a stunning gold dress. It was an interesting party-- a lot of speeches. Meema had asked me to perform Schubert's Ave Maria, which of course, I did. I got a standing ovation and a lot of fawning. It was nice. Meema's husband's drunk cousin became enamored with me after the song, though, and that was kind of "awkward" to say the least. When we were leaving, I offered him the obligatory hug good bye and he sort of licked my cheek. It was really gross.
We didn't end up leaving the party until 2:30 AM and at that point, I was a little upset. I had no idea how late the party was going to run, but after midnight, there was no more chance to take a train back so we were basically stuck there until Meema could leave. Plus, I had spoken to Narc earlier in the afternoon and he had invited me to come down there that night. I told him about the party, but guess-timated that I'd be at his place by 2:00 AM or so.
In any case, NDN and I were up to our usual shenanigans-- he texting his new "lover" and I texting Narc. I ended up writing Narc some really dirty texts-- things that I never say and that I'm too embarrassed to put up here on the blog. I wasn't sure how he'd respond. This was all at around 2:00 AM. He didn't really address what I wrote in the texts; rather, he only told me that he'd be home from the bar in ten minutes.
To make a long story short, I got to his place at around 3:00 AM. I was all revved up and ready t o have some crazy sex.
"Come into the bedroom," he said. "I'm just about turning in for the night."
(So far so good.)
I took off my makeup and plugged in my cell phone and brushed my teeth all while chatting with him about the party.
"How did the singing go?" he asked.
"Actually-- it was great."
I climbed into bed with him; he pulled me tight.... no sex. I was totally confused. I tried to initiate, but he wouldn't respond to me. It was the most classic move he could have pulled-- never to give me the upper hand. In any case, it made me smile. I tried my best to fall asleep before the clock struck 5:00 AM. We got to have our crazy sex in the morning.
I had to leave his place by noon, though. I wish I didn't have to, as he was planning to just bum around and watch Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. But my mom had gotten the whole family tickets to see Evita on its national tour out on Long Island. She was throwing an "Argentine Banquet" before the show.
She made steaks with chimmichurri sauce and some kind of Argentine rice and had a spread of Argentine appetizers. Her secretary "D" came with her daughter and so did my steppdad's sister and her family (husband and three kids). And then, of course, there was my family-- my parents, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law and JBC.
The play was fun because we were all together and I got to sit next to my 9-year-old cousin who was endlessly inquisitive, but I couldn't stand the voice on the actress who played Eva. Oh well...
BigSis and Bro-in-Law drove me to a train in their neighborhood to get back to the city. The wind-chill made temperatures below zero-degrees, and that's when my toes almost froze off. It was also probably the last straw (combined with the lack of sleep on Saturday night) that let this stupid virus take hold in my usually robust body. B is sick too, right now, so maybe something is going around.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm off to try to eat a tangerine and take some Tylenol. I feel like shit. I just want to lay here and watch TV.
love,
h
Friday, January 18, 2008
Divinely Human
The past few days have been really busy. And now I'm afraid I might be a little run down.
My meeting with the department chair on Tuesday was great, although a little awkward. Basically, he agreed to everything I needed him to agree to-- including letting me retake a class so that I can have registered status this Spring. I found out yesterday that it is going to be a little more difficult than I thought because the VP office still wants to put a block on my registration until my professors grade the two papers I handed in this past month. I'm going to have to figure out some way to handle all that... On my way out of the department lounge I bumped into ProfPP. I hadn't seen him in a looooong time. So, we had an awkward "how have you been?" exchange as well.
Um... what else? I went to see Narc that night. (It was the same day as those wasted 8:00 AM phone calls). He texted me while I was in AA to come down and watch the premier of Idol. When I got there, James answered the door. Again-- a little awkward. (Seems to be the most fitting word for my every emotion in this post!). The two of them had started watching the show without me, so I joined them on the couch and we watched the rest. I later found out that the night before they had hung out just the two of them. Narc blacked out halfway through, but James apparently hired some hooker and Narc screamed at her and kicked her out of the apartment (b/c James was planning on charging everything to the running account he keeps with Narc.) I am glad that sort of life doesn't make sense to me anymore. It's another planet.
When James left, Narc and I watched a little more TV and fucked around and then went to bed pretty early (and fucked around some more). It was a strange night. Three times in the middle of the night, I was awakened by him having sex with me. That is not something he usually does. I didn't mind. In fact, I kind of loved it... but it was strange. Because in the morning he said that he had trouble sleeping.
"Oh really? Why's that?" I asked.
"Because I was having nightmares all night long," he said.
"What kind of nightmares?"
"That I was on line for some spa. I think James was there. Anyway, there were these pins sticking out of my arm. When I went to pull them out, I found that they were really long and were threaded up half the length of my arm under my skin. It was really painful to pull them out. And then I realized that they were stuck in all over my body."
"Eww..."
Neither one of us mentioned the middle-of-the-night sex.
The more time that passes, though, the more deeply I love him and the calmer I feel about all of it. I think I am finally accepting the way things are. Maybe that's because things are relatively calm between us right now, though. Who knows... it's become pretty volatile pretty fast in the past, I guess...
Anyway, I left there at around 11:00 AM because I had plans to meet Bezoukhoff for coffee (which turned into breakfast.) I hadn't seen him in a while, as he has been spending a lot of time in DC. ("Cheating on NY," I told him). We met in the East 20's, ate and then poked around a few vintage and consignment shops. They had some interesting objects, including some of those old 1950's fat-jiggler exercise machines. We parted ways when he was headed off to meet the professor he works for.
At 4:00 PM I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but I am constantly disappointed in myself for being a "low energy" person. You need tons of energy to support the voice correctly, and I sometimes wish I were one of those people who talked really fast and sped around bouncing off walls. Instead, I'm more of a sedentary thinker-type. In any case, I tried to use my AA learned "act 'as if'" skills and fabricated as much energy as possible. It did the trick well enough for me to sing an Aida that Cherubino said "she'd pay money to hear" when she showed up early for her 5:00 PM lesson.
From there, it was straight to Penn Station. I had an appointment to make my amends to LilSis and JBC out on Long Island. The train pulled in at around 7:15 PM. They picked me up in LilSis' new car. (She finally traded in the car she has been driving since high school!). We went to a diner and chatted and I had a really good time with them. They were both telling me about their jobs. Also, JBC has a friend who is suffering from untreated drug addiction and they asked my advice. It's kind of mind blowing that I have become someone who can help with that! It felt good.
I didn't make the amends there in the diner, though, because I wanted to do theirs separately. So, back at my parents house, I took them each into my stepdad's office and did my thing. JBC said "of course it's all okay" and gave me a hug. LilSis (who has the emotional defense of being a little more "digital") told me that it was "very thorough." Then she asked if I was scared to have to tell people my emotions like that and make myself vulnerable.
"Yes. It is scary. Especially because in our family we don't like to talk about feelings about anything real," I said.
She agreed.
The most amazing thing, though, is that I am changing that in my family. I am being an agent of change. Things have always been "just the way they are." "Just because..." But they don't have to be. My recovery really is my family's recovery and I love that. I like being a sort of bridge between the "human" and "divine." That's how I like to imagine my "mission" anyway.
My stepbrother was there eating dinner with my stepdad and he was thrilled to see me. So, I took him over to the piano and we played some songs before he had to go to bed. He is really getting better and better. He is able to walk the length of the hallway now with NO support. It really is a fucking miracle.
I texted Narc on the train ride home, but he didn't answer. I think I got back to my place at around midnight. It had been a long day.
Yesterday I woke up a little reluctant to start the day. I think it was because I was asked to speak at an AA meeting and I was nervous. I talked to B on the phone for a while and then to Pixie and both conversations made me feel better. So, by noon, I felt up to the task.
The meeting was one I had never been to. It was in a run down church basement about twenty blocks or so from my place. I was one of the first ones there. A man arrived, dressed rather well, and he started a conversation with me.
"Do you know where I got these clothes?" he asked.
"Um, no... Where?" I smiled.
"From a Roman Catholic Priest!" he exclaimed.
He went on to tell me that he is homeless, that last night he ate a wrap-sandwich out of the garbage (strangely emphasizing the fact that it was a "wrap") and that he is being screwed by the government and the VA. He said that he was a Vietnam-vet.
"But I threw my fucking medals away!"
Another man there told him to watch his language because there was a "lady in the room." This led the Vet to profusely apologize while I blushed and kept awkwardly insisting that it "really was okay."
What the fuck am I going to say to these people now? I kept thinking. I have nothing to offer them. My story can't compare. This is going to be awful. This is an embarrassing mess!
But, the meeting started to fill up and thankfully some women arrived, which made me feel a little more at ease. By the time I was supposed to begin, the room was filled. And I just opened my mouth and spoke and something came out. And heads around the room were nodding in agreement and identification and people laughed and all eyes were locked onto me. After I spoke it went into an open discussion and everyone who shared told me what a "gripping" and "beautiful" story I had. I can't tell you how good it felt to realize that I did have something to offer after all. Those lessons are all around me these days.
I felt so wonderful after the meeting. It was such a rush to have to such rewarding feedback from everyone. I was supposed to go meet a newcomer (who had just relapsed) for coffee but while I was walking there, she called. She said she had double booked and sounded really stressed about it, so I told her we could reschedule. I had a jam-packed AA day planned anyway.
I went home and showered and rested up a bit and then went over to my regular Thursday night meeting (where I have a commitment). I'm glad I was there because I saw a girl there who had come in in December but had since disappeared, also having relapsed. I found her after the meeting and told her to come out to the anniversary "watch" that night. I had to be there for the whole thing, as I was chairing it that evening.
She agreed and we headed up to the diner after the meeting (with about thirty other people!). It was great to talk to her. We were also sitting with another new girl who is only 19. I can't imagine coming in to get sober at that age. At 19, my worst drinking and drugging was just beginning! Neither of them stayed until the end, but I was there until midnight. Narc texted me at some point about some TV show that was on. I wrote him back and asked how he was, but he never answered. He seems to be in "ignore-mode" lately... until he feels like seeing me, that is.
When I got home from the watch, NDN came up to my apartment and we hung out for a while and caught up until around 1:30 AM. He is in his final days as a "man of leisure" as he starts his new job soon.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little run down today, and think I may just take it easy-- do my laundry, finish my syllabus, etc. I'm stressing a little about finding a topic for my research paper this semester. But I love that. I actually have the emotional space and the brain space to think about my academics, to care about my paper topic, to actually be a graduate student again!!! It's so amazing to have that back. I thought it would never come. Also-- there's a movie I really want to see and it's been out since October, so I'm pretty sure it's going to disappear any day-- Before the Devil Knows You're Dead with Philip Seymour Hoffman. I absolutely love him. The movie is playing in the East Village at 4:20, so maybe I'll drag myself out to go see it.
Well, I guess that's it for now... I'll be back with more when there's more happening!
love,
h
My meeting with the department chair on Tuesday was great, although a little awkward. Basically, he agreed to everything I needed him to agree to-- including letting me retake a class so that I can have registered status this Spring. I found out yesterday that it is going to be a little more difficult than I thought because the VP office still wants to put a block on my registration until my professors grade the two papers I handed in this past month. I'm going to have to figure out some way to handle all that... On my way out of the department lounge I bumped into ProfPP. I hadn't seen him in a looooong time. So, we had an awkward "how have you been?" exchange as well.
Um... what else? I went to see Narc that night. (It was the same day as those wasted 8:00 AM phone calls). He texted me while I was in AA to come down and watch the premier of Idol. When I got there, James answered the door. Again-- a little awkward. (Seems to be the most fitting word for my every emotion in this post!). The two of them had started watching the show without me, so I joined them on the couch and we watched the rest. I later found out that the night before they had hung out just the two of them. Narc blacked out halfway through, but James apparently hired some hooker and Narc screamed at her and kicked her out of the apartment (b/c James was planning on charging everything to the running account he keeps with Narc.) I am glad that sort of life doesn't make sense to me anymore. It's another planet.
When James left, Narc and I watched a little more TV and fucked around and then went to bed pretty early (and fucked around some more). It was a strange night. Three times in the middle of the night, I was awakened by him having sex with me. That is not something he usually does. I didn't mind. In fact, I kind of loved it... but it was strange. Because in the morning he said that he had trouble sleeping.
"Oh really? Why's that?" I asked.
"Because I was having nightmares all night long," he said.
"What kind of nightmares?"
"That I was on line for some spa. I think James was there. Anyway, there were these pins sticking out of my arm. When I went to pull them out, I found that they were really long and were threaded up half the length of my arm under my skin. It was really painful to pull them out. And then I realized that they were stuck in all over my body."
"Eww..."
Neither one of us mentioned the middle-of-the-night sex.
The more time that passes, though, the more deeply I love him and the calmer I feel about all of it. I think I am finally accepting the way things are. Maybe that's because things are relatively calm between us right now, though. Who knows... it's become pretty volatile pretty fast in the past, I guess...
Anyway, I left there at around 11:00 AM because I had plans to meet Bezoukhoff for coffee (which turned into breakfast.) I hadn't seen him in a while, as he has been spending a lot of time in DC. ("Cheating on NY," I told him). We met in the East 20's, ate and then poked around a few vintage and consignment shops. They had some interesting objects, including some of those old 1950's fat-jiggler exercise machines. We parted ways when he was headed off to meet the professor he works for.
At 4:00 PM I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but I am constantly disappointed in myself for being a "low energy" person. You need tons of energy to support the voice correctly, and I sometimes wish I were one of those people who talked really fast and sped around bouncing off walls. Instead, I'm more of a sedentary thinker-type. In any case, I tried to use my AA learned "act 'as if'" skills and fabricated as much energy as possible. It did the trick well enough for me to sing an Aida that Cherubino said "she'd pay money to hear" when she showed up early for her 5:00 PM lesson.
From there, it was straight to Penn Station. I had an appointment to make my amends to LilSis and JBC out on Long Island. The train pulled in at around 7:15 PM. They picked me up in LilSis' new car. (She finally traded in the car she has been driving since high school!). We went to a diner and chatted and I had a really good time with them. They were both telling me about their jobs. Also, JBC has a friend who is suffering from untreated drug addiction and they asked my advice. It's kind of mind blowing that I have become someone who can help with that! It felt good.
I didn't make the amends there in the diner, though, because I wanted to do theirs separately. So, back at my parents house, I took them each into my stepdad's office and did my thing. JBC said "of course it's all okay" and gave me a hug. LilSis (who has the emotional defense of being a little more "digital") told me that it was "very thorough." Then she asked if I was scared to have to tell people my emotions like that and make myself vulnerable.
"Yes. It is scary. Especially because in our family we don't like to talk about feelings about anything real," I said.
She agreed.
The most amazing thing, though, is that I am changing that in my family. I am being an agent of change. Things have always been "just the way they are." "Just because..." But they don't have to be. My recovery really is my family's recovery and I love that. I like being a sort of bridge between the "human" and "divine." That's how I like to imagine my "mission" anyway.
My stepbrother was there eating dinner with my stepdad and he was thrilled to see me. So, I took him over to the piano and we played some songs before he had to go to bed. He is really getting better and better. He is able to walk the length of the hallway now with NO support. It really is a fucking miracle.
I texted Narc on the train ride home, but he didn't answer. I think I got back to my place at around midnight. It had been a long day.
Yesterday I woke up a little reluctant to start the day. I think it was because I was asked to speak at an AA meeting and I was nervous. I talked to B on the phone for a while and then to Pixie and both conversations made me feel better. So, by noon, I felt up to the task.
The meeting was one I had never been to. It was in a run down church basement about twenty blocks or so from my place. I was one of the first ones there. A man arrived, dressed rather well, and he started a conversation with me.
"Do you know where I got these clothes?" he asked.
"Um, no... Where?" I smiled.
"From a Roman Catholic Priest!" he exclaimed.
He went on to tell me that he is homeless, that last night he ate a wrap-sandwich out of the garbage (strangely emphasizing the fact that it was a "wrap") and that he is being screwed by the government and the VA. He said that he was a Vietnam-vet.
"But I threw my fucking medals away!"
Another man there told him to watch his language because there was a "lady in the room." This led the Vet to profusely apologize while I blushed and kept awkwardly insisting that it "really was okay."
What the fuck am I going to say to these people now? I kept thinking. I have nothing to offer them. My story can't compare. This is going to be awful. This is an embarrassing mess!
But, the meeting started to fill up and thankfully some women arrived, which made me feel a little more at ease. By the time I was supposed to begin, the room was filled. And I just opened my mouth and spoke and something came out. And heads around the room were nodding in agreement and identification and people laughed and all eyes were locked onto me. After I spoke it went into an open discussion and everyone who shared told me what a "gripping" and "beautiful" story I had. I can't tell you how good it felt to realize that I did have something to offer after all. Those lessons are all around me these days.
I felt so wonderful after the meeting. It was such a rush to have to such rewarding feedback from everyone. I was supposed to go meet a newcomer (who had just relapsed) for coffee but while I was walking there, she called. She said she had double booked and sounded really stressed about it, so I told her we could reschedule. I had a jam-packed AA day planned anyway.
I went home and showered and rested up a bit and then went over to my regular Thursday night meeting (where I have a commitment). I'm glad I was there because I saw a girl there who had come in in December but had since disappeared, also having relapsed. I found her after the meeting and told her to come out to the anniversary "watch" that night. I had to be there for the whole thing, as I was chairing it that evening.
She agreed and we headed up to the diner after the meeting (with about thirty other people!). It was great to talk to her. We were also sitting with another new girl who is only 19. I can't imagine coming in to get sober at that age. At 19, my worst drinking and drugging was just beginning! Neither of them stayed until the end, but I was there until midnight. Narc texted me at some point about some TV show that was on. I wrote him back and asked how he was, but he never answered. He seems to be in "ignore-mode" lately... until he feels like seeing me, that is.
When I got home from the watch, NDN came up to my apartment and we hung out for a while and caught up until around 1:30 AM. He is in his final days as a "man of leisure" as he starts his new job soon.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little run down today, and think I may just take it easy-- do my laundry, finish my syllabus, etc. I'm stressing a little about finding a topic for my research paper this semester. But I love that. I actually have the emotional space and the brain space to think about my academics, to care about my paper topic, to actually be a graduate student again!!! It's so amazing to have that back. I thought it would never come. Also-- there's a movie I really want to see and it's been out since October, so I'm pretty sure it's going to disappear any day-- Before the Devil Knows You're Dead with Philip Seymour Hoffman. I absolutely love him. The movie is playing in the East Village at 4:20, so maybe I'll drag myself out to go see it.
Well, I guess that's it for now... I'll be back with more when there's more happening!
love,
h
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
In Photos
My day yesterday "in photos." (I'll flesh it all out in a post to follow...)
This is the view from my bed-- it's what I saw when I opened my eyes and lay there, trying to avoid having to engage with the world.
When I finally did get up, I went to therapy. The next pic is of the building where my therapist's office is located.
When I left therapy I headed to school to meet with my department chair. (The meeting went very well, by the way!). I took some pictures on my way there around 34th Street.
Anyway, I forgot to take pictures for the rest of the afternoon. But on my way to AA, I tried to catch some of the remaining Christmas lights on Park Avenue, so I shot this from a cab. (It didn't come out all that well).
This next picture is my favorite for the day. It's a picture of the church where I went to AA.
I ended up going over to Narc's place that night. I took this picture of the outside of his building.
They just remodeled his lobby and it's a little strange. Here's a picture of what I saw as I entered his building. (PS: His doorman thought it was really weird that I was snapping photos!)
And this last picture is of some really yummy squid I ate the other day. (The Green River Roll belonged to Pixie.)
THE END!
This is the view from my bed-- it's what I saw when I opened my eyes and lay there, trying to avoid having to engage with the world.
When I finally did get up, I went to therapy. The next pic is of the building where my therapist's office is located.
When I left therapy I headed to school to meet with my department chair. (The meeting went very well, by the way!). I took some pictures on my way there around 34th Street.
Anyway, I forgot to take pictures for the rest of the afternoon. But on my way to AA, I tried to catch some of the remaining Christmas lights on Park Avenue, so I shot this from a cab. (It didn't come out all that well).
This next picture is my favorite for the day. It's a picture of the church where I went to AA.
I ended up going over to Narc's place that night. I took this picture of the outside of his building.
They just remodeled his lobby and it's a little strange. Here's a picture of what I saw as I entered his building. (PS: His doorman thought it was really weird that I was snapping photos!)
And this last picture is of some really yummy squid I ate the other day. (The Green River Roll belonged to Pixie.)
THE END!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Resurfacing
I'm still laying in bed (with my laptop). Haven't started the day. But the phone rang twice this morning-- once at 7:58 AM and once at 8:08 AM. Yep... Narc resurfaced. I didn't pick up, but he left two messages. He was wasted beyond belief-- probably high on something too. I can't believe I was tempted to call him back... I can't believe that I calculated in my head whether or not I had time to go down there for a few hours before starting the rest of my day.
"Learned helplessness" indeed. I just felt so grateful to hear from him at all-- that the "out of my control" absence of him had temporarily ended-- that I felt willing to do the ridiculous and to compromise myself.
At least I stay put. At least the "self-care" voice has gotten strong enough to prevent me from completely sabotaging myself.
I'm off to therapy this morning to try to "unlearn" some of that helplessness. Or something like that... Then I have that 2:15 meeting with my department chair. Yikes.
All in all, I'm glad to have to get up and do things today. The depression is still there, but it is made SO much better by having to move.
I talked to Brick on the phone for a while last night. He works for TMZ and had to go to the courthouse yesterday with all of the other paparazzi to get the scoop on Britney. My image of LA is so stereotyped right now.
I'm gonna try to take some pics around the city as I go through my day today, as per AbbaGirl's request. If for no other reason, than that it will give me something to think about.
Ok... time to get out of bed now.
I wonder if I'll hear from him later. (Arghh! I hate when I get stupid like this).
love,
h
"Learned helplessness" indeed. I just felt so grateful to hear from him at all-- that the "out of my control" absence of him had temporarily ended-- that I felt willing to do the ridiculous and to compromise myself.
At least I stay put. At least the "self-care" voice has gotten strong enough to prevent me from completely sabotaging myself.
I'm off to therapy this morning to try to "unlearn" some of that helplessness. Or something like that... Then I have that 2:15 meeting with my department chair. Yikes.
All in all, I'm glad to have to get up and do things today. The depression is still there, but it is made SO much better by having to move.
I talked to Brick on the phone for a while last night. He works for TMZ and had to go to the courthouse yesterday with all of the other paparazzi to get the scoop on Britney. My image of LA is so stereotyped right now.
I'm gonna try to take some pics around the city as I go through my day today, as per AbbaGirl's request. If for no other reason, than that it will give me something to think about.
Ok... time to get out of bed now.
I wonder if I'll hear from him later. (Arghh! I hate when I get stupid like this).
love,
h
Monday, January 14, 2008
Blah, blah... avoidance....
"This too shall pass."
Whether things are good or things are bad, they too shall pass...
And I seem to have lost the energy and momentum of last week... just when I though I had turned some sort of "permanent" corner.
Nothing is wrong, per say, but I'm feeling depressed. The slip-sliding started on Saturday night and I officially landed in the hole this morning-- deep and hard enough that I couldn't really get out of bed today.
I suspect that a huge piece of this is Narc, as much as I struggle not to allow my craziness about him to colonize my life. When he left here on Saturday he told me to call him later that evening. When I did call, he didn't pick up and didn't call back. I texted him and tried him one more time (at around 1:00 AM) to tell him that I was going to bed. He never responded.
Yesterday I sent him a text message. He didn't answer.
I know it doesn't mean anything, but I hate when he acts like I don't exist because I have trouble letting it go. It's annoying. ("It's not just annoying, it's MEAN, Hyde!" Brick said this afternoon.)
I mean, I don't understand him when he does this. How hard is it to write back and say "actually, I want some time to myself tonight?" Or "sorry, I made plans with someone else?" But, I suppose I know how he is and this is how he has always been, and so I'm only hurting myself with these expectations.
Not that it matters... everything is fine.
Fine.
But today I couldn't get up.
Actually-- I had trouble waking up yesterday too. Yesterday I slept until 2:00 PM. That's what happens when I don't set an alarm. All I did yesterday was meet B to go to a contemplative candlelight Taizé service in the evening. In any case, today I made sure to set my alarm. I woke up at 9:00 AM but stayed in bed until noon. Then I got up for a little while, but ended up napping again from 1:00 -3:00 PM. Fucking ridiculous!
By the time I woke up again at 3:00, I was even more depressed because I hadn't done anything with myself.
I learned in AA that "right thinking" follows "right action" and not the other way around. So, I wrested myself up and made myself make a "to-do" list and then I graded a few papers for students with incompletes. But I still feel awful.
I've barely eaten today. I have no food in my house except for pretzel rods and nuts and so that's all I've had. I can't even build up the incentive to order in dinner.
There is one thing that has brought me pleasure today-- I've been listening to the soundtrack for Sweeny Todd (the original recording from the '70's). I haven't listened to it in a few years, but remembered how wonderful it is when I saw the movie last week. I love "Gothic musicals." It's got the darkness of Jekyll and Hyde but is much more musically complex (obviously). Also-- I downloaded the sheet music for Sondheim's "Being Alive" from Company which is one of the most beautiful pieces of music and lyrics ever written. Unfortunately, it's written for a man so it doesn't sit right in my voice. Who cares... I've been singing it anyway. (Except the E-flat is still broken on my piano and that was depressing me too.)
So... blah. Blah, blah, blah. That's where I'm at today.
I hate him.
Nah, that's not true. I love him. He left his watch here and I put it on today.
I just hate having to engage with the world right now. If I'm in the groove, life is brilliant. But if I fall out, it is SO fucking hard to find my way back in.
Tomorrow I have that meeting with my department chair. I'm anxious about it. Maybe some of the depression is about that too. AVOIDANCE seems to be my most basic defense. Depression, for me, is often not true depression; but rather it's just avoidance.
Um... that's it for now.
love,
h
Whether things are good or things are bad, they too shall pass...
And I seem to have lost the energy and momentum of last week... just when I though I had turned some sort of "permanent" corner.
Nothing is wrong, per say, but I'm feeling depressed. The slip-sliding started on Saturday night and I officially landed in the hole this morning-- deep and hard enough that I couldn't really get out of bed today.
I suspect that a huge piece of this is Narc, as much as I struggle not to allow my craziness about him to colonize my life. When he left here on Saturday he told me to call him later that evening. When I did call, he didn't pick up and didn't call back. I texted him and tried him one more time (at around 1:00 AM) to tell him that I was going to bed. He never responded.
Yesterday I sent him a text message. He didn't answer.
I know it doesn't mean anything, but I hate when he acts like I don't exist because I have trouble letting it go. It's annoying. ("It's not just annoying, it's MEAN, Hyde!" Brick said this afternoon.)
I mean, I don't understand him when he does this. How hard is it to write back and say "actually, I want some time to myself tonight?" Or "sorry, I made plans with someone else?" But, I suppose I know how he is and this is how he has always been, and so I'm only hurting myself with these expectations.
Not that it matters... everything is fine.
Fine.
But today I couldn't get up.
Actually-- I had trouble waking up yesterday too. Yesterday I slept until 2:00 PM. That's what happens when I don't set an alarm. All I did yesterday was meet B to go to a contemplative candlelight Taizé service in the evening. In any case, today I made sure to set my alarm. I woke up at 9:00 AM but stayed in bed until noon. Then I got up for a little while, but ended up napping again from 1:00 -3:00 PM. Fucking ridiculous!
By the time I woke up again at 3:00, I was even more depressed because I hadn't done anything with myself.
I learned in AA that "right thinking" follows "right action" and not the other way around. So, I wrested myself up and made myself make a "to-do" list and then I graded a few papers for students with incompletes. But I still feel awful.
I've barely eaten today. I have no food in my house except for pretzel rods and nuts and so that's all I've had. I can't even build up the incentive to order in dinner.
There is one thing that has brought me pleasure today-- I've been listening to the soundtrack for Sweeny Todd (the original recording from the '70's). I haven't listened to it in a few years, but remembered how wonderful it is when I saw the movie last week. I love "Gothic musicals." It's got the darkness of Jekyll and Hyde but is much more musically complex (obviously). Also-- I downloaded the sheet music for Sondheim's "Being Alive" from Company which is one of the most beautiful pieces of music and lyrics ever written. Unfortunately, it's written for a man so it doesn't sit right in my voice. Who cares... I've been singing it anyway. (Except the E-flat is still broken on my piano and that was depressing me too.)
So... blah. Blah, blah, blah. That's where I'm at today.
I hate him.
Nah, that's not true. I love him. He left his watch here and I put it on today.
I just hate having to engage with the world right now. If I'm in the groove, life is brilliant. But if I fall out, it is SO fucking hard to find my way back in.
Tomorrow I have that meeting with my department chair. I'm anxious about it. Maybe some of the depression is about that too. AVOIDANCE seems to be my most basic defense. Depression, for me, is often not true depression; but rather it's just avoidance.
Um... that's it for now.
love,
h
Saturday, January 12, 2008
What's Normal Continues...
I spent most of the day today cleaning my house. My living room is beautiful; the Christmas tree is gone; and I am listening to Leonard Cohen's "Who By the Fire."
Even though I "went to bed happy" the other night, I had some trouble falling asleep. My insomnia seems to be rearing its ugly head a little bit. On Friday morning I did my exercise bike and watched some TV before heading out to meet Joe, a friend from AA, at a meeting on the Lower East Side. The sky was bellowing with thunder and flashing with lightning. It was very dramatisch and I loved it.
The meeting was held in a yoga studio and so we had to take our shoes off before going in. As luck would have it, I was wearing my über-lace up Doc Martins. It was a good meeting with a different crowd than what I'm used to. I was surprised to see Pixie at the meeting as well. Afterwards, she and Joe and I went for a walk. Joe and I had plans to see her play later that afternoon. Obviously, she had to head over there earlier. So, Joe and I ate fried chicken and chatted for a while and smoked a few cigarettes and then went to the theater-- PS 122. Pixie is part of a theater company and was both a co-writer, a producer and a performer in this play. It won all sorts of awards at some Fringe Festivals and they had performed a run in Edinburgh a few years ago. In any case, it was a beautiful play (albeit a different kind of theater experience than what I'm used to!) and it was awesome to get to see her many talents in action.
Two other women from our home group came to see the show also and afterwards we all headed over to Telephone Bar across the street. Pixie's parents were there along with her Aunt Carol, so we all ended up sitting together. It was nice.
When the meal was done, our AA friends left for a speaking engagement, her parents headed back to NJ and Pixie, Joe and I walked over to a coffee shop near Washington Square Park to play scrabble. I had so much fun (and won the game, might I add). By the time I got home, I was exhausted-- partially from the lack of sleep and the long day, but also partially because I felt a little nauseated. I decided to go to bed early.
As usual, I had trouble falling asleep. I was tossing and turning quite a bit before I got up, took a shower and tried again. Then, at about 2:15 AM Narc called me.
"I'm coming to you, Hyde!" he announced.
"What? Wait-- where are you?"
But he had hung up. He sounded drunk.
I jumped up out of bed to clear the history files on my computer, and called him back to see when he planned on arriving. He didn't pick up. I called him back twice more and sent him a text, but I never heard from him. So, I finally decided to go back to sleep.
Just as I was drifting off, at nearly 3:30 AM, I heard the buzzer.
"I'm smashed!" he exclaimed as I opened the door.
I kissed him and asked him where he had been. He wasn't that smashed because we managed to have a semi-coherent conversation. Then, it was into bed for us.
This morning I slept in late with him. The only thing on my agenda was to clean my house. We screwed around all morning and showered together and then I set about fixing up my living room. I undecorated the tree (which made me sad), changed the cat litter and started to sweep all the floors. Narc was laying on the couch watching Legends of the Fall. I ordered us food from Energy Kitchen.
At some point, I went downstairs to ask the building staff if they could help me remove the tree. One of the porters came up with a garbage bag that was clearly nowhere near big enough to do the trick. He left it covering the top portion of the tree and went for more supplies. My poor weeping tree looked like a hooded prisoner from Abu Ghraib. The porter came back with the Super. The Super started giving directions to me and the porter who were holding out a new, larger sheet of plastic.
"You can get up and help too!" he barked at Narc.
So, Narc grabbed a corner of the plastic sheet. I was kind of uncomfortable.
At last the job was done and I finished sweeping up the floors.
Narc and I lolled around for most of the rest of the afternoon, doing our usual thing and watching TV in my living room. He checked his email this morning and found that he had an email from the director Mark Romanek. He was super psyched. It was definitely exciting. An hour or so ago he left to go have dinner with the Exhibitionist. I guess they had plans. I don't know why he's still friends with her. The more I hear about her, the more she sounds like a bitter, shallow, manipulative person with no integrity and no compassion for her fellow human beings. But... whatever... To each his own, right?
As he was headed for the door, he told me to call him later.
"Tonight?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm going home after dinner with the Exhibitionist. Probably just gonna play some Zelda."
"Okay. Well, I don't know what my plans are yet," I said. "But yeah-- I'll call you about maybe coming over later."
So... that's it for now. I don't know what my plans are for the night. I only know that right now I have to go hang up the mountains of clothes covering the furniture in my bedroom.
Hope you are all enjoying the weekend!
love,
h
PS: Brick wrote THIS. I love his "celeb-gossip" lingo and tone!
Even though I "went to bed happy" the other night, I had some trouble falling asleep. My insomnia seems to be rearing its ugly head a little bit. On Friday morning I did my exercise bike and watched some TV before heading out to meet Joe, a friend from AA, at a meeting on the Lower East Side. The sky was bellowing with thunder and flashing with lightning. It was very dramatisch and I loved it.
The meeting was held in a yoga studio and so we had to take our shoes off before going in. As luck would have it, I was wearing my über-lace up Doc Martins. It was a good meeting with a different crowd than what I'm used to. I was surprised to see Pixie at the meeting as well. Afterwards, she and Joe and I went for a walk. Joe and I had plans to see her play later that afternoon. Obviously, she had to head over there earlier. So, Joe and I ate fried chicken and chatted for a while and smoked a few cigarettes and then went to the theater-- PS 122. Pixie is part of a theater company and was both a co-writer, a producer and a performer in this play. It won all sorts of awards at some Fringe Festivals and they had performed a run in Edinburgh a few years ago. In any case, it was a beautiful play (albeit a different kind of theater experience than what I'm used to!) and it was awesome to get to see her many talents in action.
Two other women from our home group came to see the show also and afterwards we all headed over to Telephone Bar across the street. Pixie's parents were there along with her Aunt Carol, so we all ended up sitting together. It was nice.
When the meal was done, our AA friends left for a speaking engagement, her parents headed back to NJ and Pixie, Joe and I walked over to a coffee shop near Washington Square Park to play scrabble. I had so much fun (and won the game, might I add). By the time I got home, I was exhausted-- partially from the lack of sleep and the long day, but also partially because I felt a little nauseated. I decided to go to bed early.
As usual, I had trouble falling asleep. I was tossing and turning quite a bit before I got up, took a shower and tried again. Then, at about 2:15 AM Narc called me.
"I'm coming to you, Hyde!" he announced.
"What? Wait-- where are you?"
But he had hung up. He sounded drunk.
I jumped up out of bed to clear the history files on my computer, and called him back to see when he planned on arriving. He didn't pick up. I called him back twice more and sent him a text, but I never heard from him. So, I finally decided to go back to sleep.
Just as I was drifting off, at nearly 3:30 AM, I heard the buzzer.
"I'm smashed!" he exclaimed as I opened the door.
I kissed him and asked him where he had been. He wasn't that smashed because we managed to have a semi-coherent conversation. Then, it was into bed for us.
This morning I slept in late with him. The only thing on my agenda was to clean my house. We screwed around all morning and showered together and then I set about fixing up my living room. I undecorated the tree (which made me sad), changed the cat litter and started to sweep all the floors. Narc was laying on the couch watching Legends of the Fall. I ordered us food from Energy Kitchen.
At some point, I went downstairs to ask the building staff if they could help me remove the tree. One of the porters came up with a garbage bag that was clearly nowhere near big enough to do the trick. He left it covering the top portion of the tree and went for more supplies. My poor weeping tree looked like a hooded prisoner from Abu Ghraib. The porter came back with the Super. The Super started giving directions to me and the porter who were holding out a new, larger sheet of plastic.
"You can get up and help too!" he barked at Narc.
So, Narc grabbed a corner of the plastic sheet. I was kind of uncomfortable.
At last the job was done and I finished sweeping up the floors.
Narc and I lolled around for most of the rest of the afternoon, doing our usual thing and watching TV in my living room. He checked his email this morning and found that he had an email from the director Mark Romanek. He was super psyched. It was definitely exciting. An hour or so ago he left to go have dinner with the Exhibitionist. I guess they had plans. I don't know why he's still friends with her. The more I hear about her, the more she sounds like a bitter, shallow, manipulative person with no integrity and no compassion for her fellow human beings. But... whatever... To each his own, right?
As he was headed for the door, he told me to call him later.
"Tonight?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm going home after dinner with the Exhibitionist. Probably just gonna play some Zelda."
"Okay. Well, I don't know what my plans are yet," I said. "But yeah-- I'll call you about maybe coming over later."
So... that's it for now. I don't know what my plans are for the night. I only know that right now I have to go hang up the mountains of clothes covering the furniture in my bedroom.
Hope you are all enjoying the weekend!
love,
h
PS: Brick wrote THIS. I love his "celeb-gossip" lingo and tone!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Going to Bed Happy
It has been a good day. It has been a good week. I like my life this week and have absolutely nothing to complain about.
How's that for an unusual start to a "Hyde" blog entry?
The first bit of good news? This afternoon I finished my paper!!! The semester of Fall, 2005 has now officially been completed. It's a huge relief. Three papers down and only four to go (unless I can get one of those dropped). It's difficult and a little depressing to realize what damage I did to myself and to my academics with all of the drugs and the drinking, but on the other hand, it feels amazing and spiritually rewarding to be able to see the progress in my recovery. I am meeting with my department chair next week to figure out a schedule for getting through the rest.
On Tuesday I went to therapy and then back to the library to edit the paper. It took me three hours and I only got through half the editing that day. Then I went to AA and afterwards to another anniversary watch for a friend in my home group. There, I spent most of the time talking to two random guys in the group. Those watches are great for meeting new people that I wouldn't necessarily talk to at a meeting.
Anyway, I got home at around 11:30 PM. I was exhausted. I was also stressed out about the fact that I only had six hours before I had to wake up the next day. I had been asked to speak at a meeting on Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM, so I set my alarm for 6:00. I wasn't thinking about the qualification in particular, but rather, it was a subtle tension. I was more stressed about the fact that I couldn't fall asleep. As anyone who has experienced insomnia knows-- the more hours that go by, the more stressed you get that you're not sleeping yet, the harder it is to get to sleep.
At around 2:00 AM, I figured I'd give up trying. Perhaps my time would be better served by a little more work on my paper. Just as I was climbing out of bed, I got a text message. It was from Narc, of course. He said he was in my neighborhood and asked if he could come over. I told him I had to be up at 6:00 and we messaged back and forth a little bit, coordinating before he decided to come over anyway. He must have gotten here closer to 3:00 AM. He had clearly had a few drinks, but wasn't really drunk. We both smoked a few cigarettes; he noted that the mound of clothes on my dining table made it look like a closet; we had some sex; and then we went to sleep at around 4:00 AM.
Things seem to be calm between us at the moment and I like it that way. I was able to enjoy listening to his breath. I wanted so badly to say "I love you," but I don't want to mess things up when they seem to be so finely balanced in an "okay" place. So, I mouthed it to myself, my face buried in his neck, as I tried once again to fall asleep.
And then the alarm went off at 6:00.
Perhaps it was because I barely had gotten 2 hours of rest, but I was strangely energized. I downed a coffee and headed to the meeting. I'm not sure what I said there, but something came out of my mouth-- something that everyone said they were grateful to hear. So... I guess I did okay. One woman commented that she couldn't imagine me behaving in the ways I described. It made me feel good-- I really do have the chance to re-invent myself and there's no reason for anyone to ever again see the ways in which I degraded myself.
I got back home at around 9:00. Narc was still snoring in my bed. So, I climbed back in and dozed off again for another few hours.
Later that afternoon, we parted ways as I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B. We saw Sweeny Tood at Lincoln Square. I was slightly disappointed. Well-- I didn't really expect it to be better than it was... I just sort of hoped. Anyway, after the movie, we ate at a diner, poked around Patelson's and then I went to my voice lesson.
We worked quite a bit on the aria from Aida and then on the Massenet. I am shocked at how easy and free the high-C is for me to sing. The more I work on my voice, the easier the high notes become. I know that probably sounds kind of obvious, but after years of telling yourself what your voice can and can't do, those notes always appear somehow magical-- a minor miracle. After my voice lesson, I went to a Big Book study meeting. Afterwards, I had the chance to catch up with StarGazer for a little while.
By the time I got home that night, I was WIPED!!
But... somehow, even wiped, I wasn't in the mood for sleep. I took a shower and was watching TV when just after midnight the phone rang. It was Narc. We talked for a while (he had been to see some Tarot master that afternoon-- a consult for his movie; I gave him my review of Sweeny Todd) and then he asked me to come over. So... I did. But first, I had to drop off NDN's sweater at his door and catch up on the phone with Brick. He is about 25 days back now and I'm very proud of him.
Narc and I bummed around at his place for a while, watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and having sex before we finally went to bed at around 3:00 AM.
This morning my alarm went off at 8:00, as I had an appointment to pray with Pixie. But we missed each other (she was on the phone with someone else when I called) and then I went back to bed. When I woke up, I had messages from my doorman telling me that Con Ed had come by the building to shut off my power, but had agreed to wait one more day. I couldn't believe it, as my bill was paid. I had to call them and sort it all out. Thank god, it's taken care of now.
Narc and I left his place at around 1:00 PM-- he to the Blue Goose for lunch with James and I to the library to finish my paper.
I was there until 6:30 when the paper got turned in. HOORAY!! And then I headed straight to AA. It was a good meeting. On the way home, I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone and picked up a Subway sandwich for dinner (which I ate while watching "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1-- sadder and more serious a show than I had expected).
Finally I am ready to rest. I like being this busy. I like running on little sleep. I always have. It's a "Hyde-ish" life. That busy life, all of that richness has been lost for so many years. I was busy in a different way-- it all became replaced with partying. All of that partying became replaced with the mental fog and mandatory cocoon of early recovery. But for the first time, I am feeling tinges of my life returning-- MY life... with its rhythm... with the ebbs and flows that I love.
Being so productive feels great. Things being okay with Narc feels great. Being really active in AA feels great. Finally getting a little exercise feels great. All of the weight I've lost in the past few months feels great.
I have accomplished so much.
I remember the nights I used to bring a bottle into bed in order to be able to sleep-- anything to knock myself out.
Tonight I'm going to bed alone. And I'm going to bed happy.
love,
h
How's that for an unusual start to a "Hyde" blog entry?
The first bit of good news? This afternoon I finished my paper!!! The semester of Fall, 2005 has now officially been completed. It's a huge relief. Three papers down and only four to go (unless I can get one of those dropped). It's difficult and a little depressing to realize what damage I did to myself and to my academics with all of the drugs and the drinking, but on the other hand, it feels amazing and spiritually rewarding to be able to see the progress in my recovery. I am meeting with my department chair next week to figure out a schedule for getting through the rest.
On Tuesday I went to therapy and then back to the library to edit the paper. It took me three hours and I only got through half the editing that day. Then I went to AA and afterwards to another anniversary watch for a friend in my home group. There, I spent most of the time talking to two random guys in the group. Those watches are great for meeting new people that I wouldn't necessarily talk to at a meeting.
Anyway, I got home at around 11:30 PM. I was exhausted. I was also stressed out about the fact that I only had six hours before I had to wake up the next day. I had been asked to speak at a meeting on Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM, so I set my alarm for 6:00. I wasn't thinking about the qualification in particular, but rather, it was a subtle tension. I was more stressed about the fact that I couldn't fall asleep. As anyone who has experienced insomnia knows-- the more hours that go by, the more stressed you get that you're not sleeping yet, the harder it is to get to sleep.
At around 2:00 AM, I figured I'd give up trying. Perhaps my time would be better served by a little more work on my paper. Just as I was climbing out of bed, I got a text message. It was from Narc, of course. He said he was in my neighborhood and asked if he could come over. I told him I had to be up at 6:00 and we messaged back and forth a little bit, coordinating before he decided to come over anyway. He must have gotten here closer to 3:00 AM. He had clearly had a few drinks, but wasn't really drunk. We both smoked a few cigarettes; he noted that the mound of clothes on my dining table made it look like a closet; we had some sex; and then we went to sleep at around 4:00 AM.
Things seem to be calm between us at the moment and I like it that way. I was able to enjoy listening to his breath. I wanted so badly to say "I love you," but I don't want to mess things up when they seem to be so finely balanced in an "okay" place. So, I mouthed it to myself, my face buried in his neck, as I tried once again to fall asleep.
And then the alarm went off at 6:00.
Perhaps it was because I barely had gotten 2 hours of rest, but I was strangely energized. I downed a coffee and headed to the meeting. I'm not sure what I said there, but something came out of my mouth-- something that everyone said they were grateful to hear. So... I guess I did okay. One woman commented that she couldn't imagine me behaving in the ways I described. It made me feel good-- I really do have the chance to re-invent myself and there's no reason for anyone to ever again see the ways in which I degraded myself.
I got back home at around 9:00. Narc was still snoring in my bed. So, I climbed back in and dozed off again for another few hours.
Later that afternoon, we parted ways as I headed to the Upper West Side to meet B. We saw Sweeny Tood at Lincoln Square. I was slightly disappointed. Well-- I didn't really expect it to be better than it was... I just sort of hoped. Anyway, after the movie, we ate at a diner, poked around Patelson's and then I went to my voice lesson.
We worked quite a bit on the aria from Aida and then on the Massenet. I am shocked at how easy and free the high-C is for me to sing. The more I work on my voice, the easier the high notes become. I know that probably sounds kind of obvious, but after years of telling yourself what your voice can and can't do, those notes always appear somehow magical-- a minor miracle. After my voice lesson, I went to a Big Book study meeting. Afterwards, I had the chance to catch up with StarGazer for a little while.
By the time I got home that night, I was WIPED!!
But... somehow, even wiped, I wasn't in the mood for sleep. I took a shower and was watching TV when just after midnight the phone rang. It was Narc. We talked for a while (he had been to see some Tarot master that afternoon-- a consult for his movie; I gave him my review of Sweeny Todd) and then he asked me to come over. So... I did. But first, I had to drop off NDN's sweater at his door and catch up on the phone with Brick. He is about 25 days back now and I'm very proud of him.
Narc and I bummed around at his place for a while, watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and having sex before we finally went to bed at around 3:00 AM.
This morning my alarm went off at 8:00, as I had an appointment to pray with Pixie. But we missed each other (she was on the phone with someone else when I called) and then I went back to bed. When I woke up, I had messages from my doorman telling me that Con Ed had come by the building to shut off my power, but had agreed to wait one more day. I couldn't believe it, as my bill was paid. I had to call them and sort it all out. Thank god, it's taken care of now.
Narc and I left his place at around 1:00 PM-- he to the Blue Goose for lunch with James and I to the library to finish my paper.
I was there until 6:30 when the paper got turned in. HOORAY!! And then I headed straight to AA. It was a good meeting. On the way home, I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone and picked up a Subway sandwich for dinner (which I ate while watching "Celebrity Rehab" on VH1-- sadder and more serious a show than I had expected).
Finally I am ready to rest. I like being this busy. I like running on little sleep. I always have. It's a "Hyde-ish" life. That busy life, all of that richness has been lost for so many years. I was busy in a different way-- it all became replaced with partying. All of that partying became replaced with the mental fog and mandatory cocoon of early recovery. But for the first time, I am feeling tinges of my life returning-- MY life... with its rhythm... with the ebbs and flows that I love.
Being so productive feels great. Things being okay with Narc feels great. Being really active in AA feels great. Finally getting a little exercise feels great. All of the weight I've lost in the past few months feels great.
I have accomplished so much.
I remember the nights I used to bring a bottle into bed in order to be able to sleep-- anything to knock myself out.
Tonight I'm going to bed alone. And I'm going to bed happy.
love,
h
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Giving Birth (and Conscious Contact)
I gave birth today... to a 23 page rough draft. I was in labor for nearly six hours.
Last night I went down to see Narc. We hadn't spoken all weekend and I was worried that there was a reason for that. There wasn't. Turns out that he was home all weekend mostly playing video games. (I can TOTALLY identify with Spins right now!).
Anyway, I went down there last night and brought him Häagan Daz-- chocolate chip cookie dough-- or something like that, as per his request. I was relieved to see that the beard is back. We watched Music and Lyrics, a cheesy but sweet romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. We talked. I gave him some music off my iPod (the "Once" soundtrack-- the same thing Hammer wanted the other day). Narc was humming "The Masochism Tango." I started singing it.
"What? You know that song? How do you know all the words, Hyde?" he asked.
I just laughed.
Things feel normal right now. Really normal and just fine. Things feel good. I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is in this very moment. And then we went to bed and it was exciting and I was happy.
This morning we woke up relatively early but stayed in bed for an extra hour before finally pulling ourselves up and out. Narc has a new coffee pot and brewed us some freshly ground Starbucks coffee and brought me mine in bed. I drank a red bull on my way out the door.
I finally got to the library around 11:15-ish. I sat down in a chair and didn't rise (not to stretch, not even to pee!) for nearly six hours. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I hadn't had anything to drink except for the coffee and red bull. But, I pulled it off-- I finished the rough draft of the paper. I am so "all or nothing" it's disgusting... but at least I got it done.
Afterwards, I didn't even have the chance to go home because I had plans to meet BigSis at her office at 5:30. I walked there, feeling a little bit woozy from the work and the lack of nutrition. We went to CPK for dinner and then over to a meditation workshop. BigSis' therapist recommended the New York Insight Meditation Center to her to learn more about Buddhist meditation and tonight they had a special workshop about meditation in recovery. It was called "The Buddha and Bill W" or something like that... It was strange to meet people from other 12-step fellowships. It was also a little strange to be there with my sister who's not working a 12-step program. But I find it interesting that those things made me a little uncomfortable-- that at this point, I am so naturally comfortable around alcoholics but not necessarily others.
I don't know how much I got out of the whole thing, except two points stuck with me. The first one was that the women presenting the workshop did not refer to the way we behaved in active addiction as "bad behavior;" rather, they used the term "unskilled actions." Thinking of it that way really allows me to stop beating up on myself (which I like to do on a fairly regular basis). It was comforting and forgiving and I liked that.
The other thing I really liked is that the instructors didn't tell us to "quiet our minds," rather, simply to "watch our minds." I tried my best to do just that. My thoughts rarely settled down and I was only able to get my focus onto my breath for a few seconds here and there. But watching the crazy pattern of my thoughts, and not judging it, I felt like I could see myself just slightly from the outside. I felt like I was getting to know myself. I felt a little separated from identifying myself as my mind... there was definitely some sort of "higher self" watching my mind. And that was pretty cool. Because I've been searching SO hard for a "higher power." I've been working and working and working to hold onto whatever moments of connection and "conscious contact" I experience. But quite often, it's hard for me to untangle which voice is my mind's voice and which is the voice of a higher power coming from within. It's hard to "get to know" my higher power when I often don't know how to access it. But, today I learned that through meditation, I can get to know myself and perhaps by seeing my own crazy and fluttering thought patterns, I can untangle them from that other voice that actually is my higher power. I guess what I'm saying is that for the first time tonight, it clicked that through observing my mind, I can start to develop that conscious contact with God.
In any case, I don't often like to write about this stuff because it sort of transcends language for me. Even now, I feel like I didn't articulate all of that very well. The thought in my head is a lot more complicated. And as a verbose girl and an academic, I don't like feeling inarticulate. So, I'll stop there.
Right after the meditation practice, I had to head uptown to an anniversary watch. I am on the "watch committee" this year. There are about five of us, and basically, every time someone has an anniversary, one of us has to be there for the whole thing and introduce the celebrant and bring out their cake, etc. We have a really huge home group, so there are watches every week. Tonight was a triple. I got there shortly after 9:00 and stayed until midnight, as was my duty. I was soooo tired, having not been home since the night before. But it felt good to do service. Also, I got a chance to talk to a newcomer for an hour or so and not only did I help her and make her more comfortable, but it kept things in perspective for me.
Well, that's it for now. I'm tired and need to collapse into bed. Tomorrow morning I have to wake up early and edit the damn paper that I birthed this afternoon. I have cat hair in my eyes from hugging my cat too closely when I got home. (I don't know which is a greater eye irritant-- cat hair or semen... lol).
Tomorrow it's supposed to be 66 degrees here. This weather is fucked up. I want back my freezing January!
Good night all...
love,
h
Last night I went down to see Narc. We hadn't spoken all weekend and I was worried that there was a reason for that. There wasn't. Turns out that he was home all weekend mostly playing video games. (I can TOTALLY identify with Spins right now!).
Anyway, I went down there last night and brought him Häagan Daz-- chocolate chip cookie dough-- or something like that, as per his request. I was relieved to see that the beard is back. We watched Music and Lyrics, a cheesy but sweet romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. We talked. I gave him some music off my iPod (the "Once" soundtrack-- the same thing Hammer wanted the other day). Narc was humming "The Masochism Tango." I started singing it.
"What? You know that song? How do you know all the words, Hyde?" he asked.
I just laughed.
Things feel normal right now. Really normal and just fine. Things feel good. I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is in this very moment. And then we went to bed and it was exciting and I was happy.
This morning we woke up relatively early but stayed in bed for an extra hour before finally pulling ourselves up and out. Narc has a new coffee pot and brewed us some freshly ground Starbucks coffee and brought me mine in bed. I drank a red bull on my way out the door.
I finally got to the library around 11:15-ish. I sat down in a chair and didn't rise (not to stretch, not even to pee!) for nearly six hours. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I hadn't had anything to drink except for the coffee and red bull. But, I pulled it off-- I finished the rough draft of the paper. I am so "all or nothing" it's disgusting... but at least I got it done.
Afterwards, I didn't even have the chance to go home because I had plans to meet BigSis at her office at 5:30. I walked there, feeling a little bit woozy from the work and the lack of nutrition. We went to CPK for dinner and then over to a meditation workshop. BigSis' therapist recommended the New York Insight Meditation Center to her to learn more about Buddhist meditation and tonight they had a special workshop about meditation in recovery. It was called "The Buddha and Bill W" or something like that... It was strange to meet people from other 12-step fellowships. It was also a little strange to be there with my sister who's not working a 12-step program. But I find it interesting that those things made me a little uncomfortable-- that at this point, I am so naturally comfortable around alcoholics but not necessarily others.
I don't know how much I got out of the whole thing, except two points stuck with me. The first one was that the women presenting the workshop did not refer to the way we behaved in active addiction as "bad behavior;" rather, they used the term "unskilled actions." Thinking of it that way really allows me to stop beating up on myself (which I like to do on a fairly regular basis). It was comforting and forgiving and I liked that.
The other thing I really liked is that the instructors didn't tell us to "quiet our minds," rather, simply to "watch our minds." I tried my best to do just that. My thoughts rarely settled down and I was only able to get my focus onto my breath for a few seconds here and there. But watching the crazy pattern of my thoughts, and not judging it, I felt like I could see myself just slightly from the outside. I felt like I was getting to know myself. I felt a little separated from identifying myself as my mind... there was definitely some sort of "higher self" watching my mind. And that was pretty cool. Because I've been searching SO hard for a "higher power." I've been working and working and working to hold onto whatever moments of connection and "conscious contact" I experience. But quite often, it's hard for me to untangle which voice is my mind's voice and which is the voice of a higher power coming from within. It's hard to "get to know" my higher power when I often don't know how to access it. But, today I learned that through meditation, I can get to know myself and perhaps by seeing my own crazy and fluttering thought patterns, I can untangle them from that other voice that actually is my higher power. I guess what I'm saying is that for the first time tonight, it clicked that through observing my mind, I can start to develop that conscious contact with God.
In any case, I don't often like to write about this stuff because it sort of transcends language for me. Even now, I feel like I didn't articulate all of that very well. The thought in my head is a lot more complicated. And as a verbose girl and an academic, I don't like feeling inarticulate. So, I'll stop there.
Right after the meditation practice, I had to head uptown to an anniversary watch. I am on the "watch committee" this year. There are about five of us, and basically, every time someone has an anniversary, one of us has to be there for the whole thing and introduce the celebrant and bring out their cake, etc. We have a really huge home group, so there are watches every week. Tonight was a triple. I got there shortly after 9:00 and stayed until midnight, as was my duty. I was soooo tired, having not been home since the night before. But it felt good to do service. Also, I got a chance to talk to a newcomer for an hour or so and not only did I help her and make her more comfortable, but it kept things in perspective for me.
Well, that's it for now. I'm tired and need to collapse into bed. Tomorrow morning I have to wake up early and edit the damn paper that I birthed this afternoon. I have cat hair in my eyes from hugging my cat too closely when I got home. (I don't know which is a greater eye irritant-- cat hair or semen... lol).
Tomorrow it's supposed to be 66 degrees here. This weather is fucked up. I want back my freezing January!
Good night all...
love,
h
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Ambivalence
Just back in from my (date?) with TT and I have to say-- I had a great time. There was no pressure, no attempted kisses (except for on the hand) and I only thought about Narc for maybe 20 minutes of the evening (although, when I did, it was painful and filling). An overall improvement, I'd say.
We met for dinner on his side of town, then to see There Will Be Blood in Times Square and then over to Cheers. (That part of the evening was not planned, but just somehow happened.)
I still feel weird at Cheers (no surprise there, I suppose). I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl and one of the Colombians. PumpedUp was a little drunk and kept hugging me and rubbing my back and holding my hand and telling me how wonderful I looked and wanting to introduce me to his new girlfriend. He said he hasn't spoken to IrishBird in three months now. It was strange that he confided in me. He told me that my eyes were brighter and that I was glowing and seemed happy. I told him it was good to hear-- it was a good reminder of why I got sober in the first place.
"You were so messed up then," he said. "I didn't want to be the one to say it to you, and I wasn't going to stop serving you, but every night I thought-- this girl has to stop."
"Yeah, I was really sick," I said.
"Are you happy now Hyde?"
"Um, yeah..."
I'm not sure why I never like to answer that question. Maybe the honest truth is that I don't know. In any case, I miss them over there. I don't miss the bar so much and I don't miss the karaoke nights. I miss the "family" that I had there for those few years. I told PumpedUp and ThursdayGirl that.
"We miss you too!" they said.
"Come by any time and I'll line you up shots of diet coke!" PumpedUp laughed.
I laughed too. I didn't want to tell him that I can't do a "shot" of anything-- even diet coke.
Anyway, I went to my first yoga class this afternoon-- something I've been wanting to try for a while. I was scared to go, but am glad that I did. I feel good that I walked through a fear and did something positive for myself.
Yesterday I had lunch with Contessa at the California Pizza Kitchen and then went to Fortunoff's and bought myself a ring with my birthday/Christmas money. Bezoukhoff came over at around 5:00 and we watched a Soviet film --Andre Rublev-- about a medieval Russian icon painter. It was long and strange. But Bezoukhoff gave me the DVD for my birthday, so I will have the chance to watch it again, mull over it and try to figure it out.
Afterwards, we headed to the West Village for Anxious and Bulgi's party. A friend of theirs threw the party in an apartment on West 8th Street. It was a strange building with a doorman/elevator man who was watching television in the lobby. Anxious looked pretty and she looked happy and that was nice. There was a lot of awkward cocktail party conversation going on, though, and it seemed like that was all there was to be had there.
At one point, the host's brother stopped the party for toasts. Everyone was trying to tell stories about the newlyweds, but almost everyone there had befriended Anxious and Bulgi after they were already a couple. I was the only one who knew them both independently before they knew each other. Some people were referring to the "juicy" story of the way they met. I think I am the only one (besides the two of them and the Stallion) who know all of the really juicy details though. I am happy for Anxious, but this whole thing leaves me with a strange feeling in my stomach-- it's probably just guilt/nostalgia/self-hatred/self-romanticizing ambivalence that I have about my drinking days-- the same discomfort I had in Cheers tonight.
Changing who you are as a person and committing to recovery is really fucking confusing sometimes.
After the party, Bezoukhoff and I headed to Marie's Crisis and then to the Monster where my favorite pianist was working. We were there until nearly 4:00 AM before we grabbed a bite at the Waverly Diner and then went home.
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I have to get some work done on this paper. I have to keep pressing forward and get it finished.
By the way-- I LOVED the movie tonight. The score was intense and kind of brilliant. The whole film seemed like what would come out if "America" (as a concept) underwent psychoanalysis. And I have a new crush on Daniel Day Lewis because he has such beautiful eyes and had an amazing timbre to his voice and his character drank and made me nervous. There were two scenes, though, in which he reminded me a lot of my dad and that kind of gave me the creeps.
Anyway... that's enough blogging for now. I need to try to get to bed before 4:30 AM. I seem to be settling back into my old bad habit of 4:00-5:00 AM bedtimes, and I don't want it to prevent me from being able to do my work.
Hope you are all well out there.
love,
h
We met for dinner on his side of town, then to see There Will Be Blood in Times Square and then over to Cheers. (That part of the evening was not planned, but just somehow happened.)
I still feel weird at Cheers (no surprise there, I suppose). I saw BarMan and ThursdayGirl and one of the Colombians. PumpedUp was a little drunk and kept hugging me and rubbing my back and holding my hand and telling me how wonderful I looked and wanting to introduce me to his new girlfriend. He said he hasn't spoken to IrishBird in three months now. It was strange that he confided in me. He told me that my eyes were brighter and that I was glowing and seemed happy. I told him it was good to hear-- it was a good reminder of why I got sober in the first place.
"You were so messed up then," he said. "I didn't want to be the one to say it to you, and I wasn't going to stop serving you, but every night I thought-- this girl has to stop."
"Yeah, I was really sick," I said.
"Are you happy now Hyde?"
"Um, yeah..."
I'm not sure why I never like to answer that question. Maybe the honest truth is that I don't know. In any case, I miss them over there. I don't miss the bar so much and I don't miss the karaoke nights. I miss the "family" that I had there for those few years. I told PumpedUp and ThursdayGirl that.
"We miss you too!" they said.
"Come by any time and I'll line you up shots of diet coke!" PumpedUp laughed.
I laughed too. I didn't want to tell him that I can't do a "shot" of anything-- even diet coke.
Anyway, I went to my first yoga class this afternoon-- something I've been wanting to try for a while. I was scared to go, but am glad that I did. I feel good that I walked through a fear and did something positive for myself.
Yesterday I had lunch with Contessa at the California Pizza Kitchen and then went to Fortunoff's and bought myself a ring with my birthday/Christmas money. Bezoukhoff came over at around 5:00 and we watched a Soviet film --Andre Rublev-- about a medieval Russian icon painter. It was long and strange. But Bezoukhoff gave me the DVD for my birthday, so I will have the chance to watch it again, mull over it and try to figure it out.
Afterwards, we headed to the West Village for Anxious and Bulgi's party. A friend of theirs threw the party in an apartment on West 8th Street. It was a strange building with a doorman/elevator man who was watching television in the lobby. Anxious looked pretty and she looked happy and that was nice. There was a lot of awkward cocktail party conversation going on, though, and it seemed like that was all there was to be had there.
At one point, the host's brother stopped the party for toasts. Everyone was trying to tell stories about the newlyweds, but almost everyone there had befriended Anxious and Bulgi after they were already a couple. I was the only one who knew them both independently before they knew each other. Some people were referring to the "juicy" story of the way they met. I think I am the only one (besides the two of them and the Stallion) who know all of the really juicy details though. I am happy for Anxious, but this whole thing leaves me with a strange feeling in my stomach-- it's probably just guilt/nostalgia/self-hatred/self-romanticizing ambivalence that I have about my drinking days-- the same discomfort I had in Cheers tonight.
Changing who you are as a person and committing to recovery is really fucking confusing sometimes.
After the party, Bezoukhoff and I headed to Marie's Crisis and then to the Monster where my favorite pianist was working. We were there until nearly 4:00 AM before we grabbed a bite at the Waverly Diner and then went home.
Anyway... I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I have to get some work done on this paper. I have to keep pressing forward and get it finished.
By the way-- I LOVED the movie tonight. The score was intense and kind of brilliant. The whole film seemed like what would come out if "America" (as a concept) underwent psychoanalysis. And I have a new crush on Daniel Day Lewis because he has such beautiful eyes and had an amazing timbre to his voice and his character drank and made me nervous. There were two scenes, though, in which he reminded me a lot of my dad and that kind of gave me the creeps.Anyway... that's enough blogging for now. I need to try to get to bed before 4:30 AM. I seem to be settling back into my old bad habit of 4:00-5:00 AM bedtimes, and I don't want it to prevent me from being able to do my work.
Hope you are all well out there.
love,
h
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Willoughby & Brandon
(or Brandon & Willoughby)
It has been quite a week. I guess a few words about New Year's Eve to start...
It was the eve of Pixie's one-year-of-sobriety anniversary as well. My group has a tradition of gathering at a specific diner from 9:00 PM-midnight on the eve of each member's first year. We basically just hang out and talk and eat and then at 15 minutes to midnight, the celebrant talks about where he or she was at that time last year and how life has changed. Pixie's celebration was especially exciting because everyone was in a festive mood. A lot of people were heading to a huge AA dance being held down in Soho, but they stopped by the diner first, dressed to the nines. A giant, hot, sweaty, sober dance is not exactly my scene, so I decided to skip the dance and was at the diner in jeans, but I did wear turquoise mascara and my most dramatic sparkly chandelier earrings.
Anyway, I had a great time there, talking to people I don't usually get to spend that much time with. I have been really close to Pixie for the past eight months or so, and when she spoke, it was especially meaningful for me. I felt completely at peace and surrounded by amazing people-- a real family. So, that's where I was at midnight. Oh-- and my mom and BigSis called shortly after midnight to wish me a Happy New Year.
Afterwards, another group member, Bob, threw a "grilled cheese" party at his place. His apartment is not far from the diner where we were gathered. And he has a HUGE place-- two apartments on either side of the hallway in a pre-war building. Each apartment was at least 5 or 6 rooms big, and he designated one side for smoking and one for non-smoking. I ended up spending most of the evening talking to a muscle-bound makeup artist who told me that he did seven years for armed robbery. I swear-- in AA you meet the most interesting people.
I stayed at that party until around 2:30 or so. The atmosphere was beautiful-- tons of candles and twisted candelabras everywhere, stuffed animal heads on the walls, and strange music (I swear-- every time I'm at Bob's place I hear Barry White!) A lot of people were arriving late, after the dance in Soho. But, my friend Matty and I decided to come back to my place to hang out for a while.
Back at home we just sat on the couch and talked (mostly about boys... and life). Then TT called. He was leaving Cheers and wanted to stop by to say hi. He arrived just as Matty was on her way out the door. And then TT and I just sat on the couch and talked.
TT kept apologizing that he was tipsy, but he really didn't seem it to me. What was interesting, though, was that for the first time in a million years with him, I felt like we had some conversation chemistry. I felt like I saw a real personality in him. Who knows-- maybe there is something there for us after all. He makes me feel good about myself, in any case. He left around 4:30 AM, having invited me over to watch DVDs at his place on Saturday night. When we stood for him to say goodbye he gave me a strong and lingering hug and then kissed my forehead and then kissed my hand. Hmmm... Don't get me wrong-- I am still desperately in love with Narc, but I'm trying to see beyond it if I can...
Anyway, that was New Year's Eve.
The next day, NDN and I went to see Juno in the afternoon. It was a cute movie. NDN was scheming to figure out a way to transform an acquaintance into a lover (he has since found success and some very good sex!). So, he and I poured over a few text messages before I headed to AA.
Once again, it felt amazing to be at an AA meeting. Maybe it was the welcoming of the New Year, but I again felt protected and belonging and "locked in" by a family. After the meeting, Pixie and I went out for dinner with two women I didn't know. It turns out that one of them knows a childhood friend of mine who I haven't seen since the fifth grade!
When I got home that night, Narc IM'd me. He was still at Canyon Ranch. He told me that they were having a chill and mellow time, but that he and James had "hopped the wall" to head into town on New Years Eve where they had their last alcohol "for a very long time."
Well I'm back tomorrow afternoon, if you want to head over tomorrow early eve or what not, he said.
I agreed.
On Wednesday I did some work on my paper. Then I went to therapy. God, how I missed therapy! And it had only been one week without a session! I was so glad to start to process a lot of what was happening. The last time I was there was way before Christmas-- the week Narc wasn't talking to me. After therapy I stopped for a quick bite in La Parisienne and then went to my voice lesson.
I was in better physical shape this week at the lesson and even had a new aria assigned-- "O patria mia" from Aida. It's awesome... and it hits a high-C on the last page. Yay!
I was expecting to head to Narc's after the lesson, but he hadn't responded to the text I sent him at 4:30. So, I called him on his cell phone and his home phone, leaving messages in both places. He texted me back: Just getting in, going for din. Call you in a bit.
With Narc, that could mean one hour or three... so, I headed to AA. My home group holds a Big Book study meeting on Wednesday nights and I never go, but I figured I might as well check it out, as it's a new year and they'd be starting from the beginning. Plus, the Wednesday night meeting is really close to where I live. And, as it turns out, I was glad I went. I think I may go back next week too!
When I left the meeting, the temperature outside had plummeted. It was brutal, lung-freezing cold... cold that stung and beat and hurt. And I sort of loved it. So, I walked home. I still hadn't heard from Narc.
Let the waiting game begin... I hate when even the best laid plans become a waiting game with him. But, I really have very little control over it. So, rather than fret and get sick, I did my best to enjoy my evening, eating dinner, watching some TV, and reading the first few chapters of a book recommended to me by a woman in AA. (I'd tell you the title, but I'm a little embarrassed.)
I never heard from him.
Now I was really upset-- first of all because I had cancelled plans with Hammer in order to see Narc, and second of all because I was tired and wanted to wind down but couldn't, given the possibility that he'd call. So, I decided to try to re-take control of my evening.
I sent him a text at about 10:30 PM: Think I'm in for the night now. Not sure what you're up to, but I'm tired. So, some other time...
Strangely enough, I heard back from him right away.
Narc: Just wrapped 2 hour massage, back in now. You're in for the night?
Hyde: Well, hadn't heard from you so just left that msg & decided not to wait up. You needed a massage after the spa weekend? Kind of funny...
He didn't answer for a few minutes, so I just called him. We talked for a few minutes about his trip and about what I did for New Year's. Then I headed down there.
I wasn't prepared for what I found-- NARC WAS BEARDLESS!!! He said he shaved it off in order to get a facial, but that I shouldn't worry as it was already on its way back. It was weird and a little unsettling. He looked really different without the beard, in ways that it's difficult to describe. In any case, he was in the middle of some email correspondence about making his movie, so I waited in the living room and read The Idiot while he finished up.
When he came back out, we bummed around for a while watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's kind of an awesome show. It was cold, so we snuggled under the blanket. Narc told me that he is officially on his new regime of healthy living and hyper-productivity. He wants to lose 40 lbs and finish two scripts and one essay before the move to LA in March. (I still can't believe it's happening. I feel queasy about it). He said that he and James had made the pact together, but that as soon as they were back in NYC, James hit the bars for a night of sex, drugs and booze, booze, booze. Even though I don't think that moving across the country and becoming a workaholic will make Narc happy, I'm proud of him for his willingness to try it all. And who knows-- maybe I'm just a cynic and everything will work out exactly as he's planning for it to. In any case, he took a few classes at the spa and came home with a watercolor painting and a re-discovered obsession with the Tarot.
Anyway, we got to bed around 2:30 AM and had really amazing sex. I can't help but be in love with him. Then this morning, I woke him up with a blow job and we had amazing sex again. Yup... I love him.
We decided to go out for lunch today, but he had a million lists to make and emails to read and then he looked through hundreds of pictures of tarot decks online before we could get out of the house. I got bored waiting. I sang some arias under my breath and paced his living room. Finally, we were out into the freezing cold-- first to the bank for him to deposit some checks, and then for lunch at the Sun Cafe.
Narc told me that he had a dream that he was visited by an angel or guide named "Patrick" and that he was told that the next place he lives will "bring out his true self." Narc asked the guide where that place was, and Patrick told him he would know because there would be "papers (or pages) of birds." Strange...
After that, I told him I had to head home to get some work done on my INC. He said he wanted to go to Century 21 to buy a warmer scarf. I told him I'd walk him there.
Narc has a beautiful black cashmere coat, but it's missing a button and another is loose. In this weather, you want to be able to pull your coat as tight as possible. (As I told Narc-- this weather is like rough sex with God-- painful but exhilarating). He asked me if I knew where to buy buttons. We found him a tailor-- a little old Chinese lady who sewed the buttons while we waited. Narc and I sat on a bench in the tiny shop. I watched our reflection in the mirror. I put my head on his shoulder. We laughed at the ubiquitous "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar" flyer in the window. The old Chinese lady finished sewing the coat.
Back out into the cold.
I walked Narc the rest of the way to Century 21 before he kissed me goodbye and put me into a cab. Then I headed home to try to work on a paper and watch NDN iron his suit jacket while filling me in on details about his newfound "lover." After that I went to AA.
And now, I'm home again. Narc texted me that he bought three scarves. My living room is cold because an entire wall is made up of windows.
Tomorrow night I have plans with Bezoukhoff and then Anxious and Bulgi are throwing themselves a wedding/going away party. For now, I'm going to go crawl under the covers and watch some TV. I have to get up early tomorrow if I'm going to put in a full day of work on my INC.
Still feeling good about the New Year...
lots of love,
h
It has been quite a week. I guess a few words about New Year's Eve to start...
It was the eve of Pixie's one-year-of-sobriety anniversary as well. My group has a tradition of gathering at a specific diner from 9:00 PM-midnight on the eve of each member's first year. We basically just hang out and talk and eat and then at 15 minutes to midnight, the celebrant talks about where he or she was at that time last year and how life has changed. Pixie's celebration was especially exciting because everyone was in a festive mood. A lot of people were heading to a huge AA dance being held down in Soho, but they stopped by the diner first, dressed to the nines. A giant, hot, sweaty, sober dance is not exactly my scene, so I decided to skip the dance and was at the diner in jeans, but I did wear turquoise mascara and my most dramatic sparkly chandelier earrings.
Anyway, I had a great time there, talking to people I don't usually get to spend that much time with. I have been really close to Pixie for the past eight months or so, and when she spoke, it was especially meaningful for me. I felt completely at peace and surrounded by amazing people-- a real family. So, that's where I was at midnight. Oh-- and my mom and BigSis called shortly after midnight to wish me a Happy New Year.
Afterwards, another group member, Bob, threw a "grilled cheese" party at his place. His apartment is not far from the diner where we were gathered. And he has a HUGE place-- two apartments on either side of the hallway in a pre-war building. Each apartment was at least 5 or 6 rooms big, and he designated one side for smoking and one for non-smoking. I ended up spending most of the evening talking to a muscle-bound makeup artist who told me that he did seven years for armed robbery. I swear-- in AA you meet the most interesting people.
I stayed at that party until around 2:30 or so. The atmosphere was beautiful-- tons of candles and twisted candelabras everywhere, stuffed animal heads on the walls, and strange music (I swear-- every time I'm at Bob's place I hear Barry White!) A lot of people were arriving late, after the dance in Soho. But, my friend Matty and I decided to come back to my place to hang out for a while.
Back at home we just sat on the couch and talked (mostly about boys... and life). Then TT called. He was leaving Cheers and wanted to stop by to say hi. He arrived just as Matty was on her way out the door. And then TT and I just sat on the couch and talked.
TT kept apologizing that he was tipsy, but he really didn't seem it to me. What was interesting, though, was that for the first time in a million years with him, I felt like we had some conversation chemistry. I felt like I saw a real personality in him. Who knows-- maybe there is something there for us after all. He makes me feel good about myself, in any case. He left around 4:30 AM, having invited me over to watch DVDs at his place on Saturday night. When we stood for him to say goodbye he gave me a strong and lingering hug and then kissed my forehead and then kissed my hand. Hmmm... Don't get me wrong-- I am still desperately in love with Narc, but I'm trying to see beyond it if I can...
Anyway, that was New Year's Eve.
The next day, NDN and I went to see Juno in the afternoon. It was a cute movie. NDN was scheming to figure out a way to transform an acquaintance into a lover (he has since found success and some very good sex!). So, he and I poured over a few text messages before I headed to AA.
Once again, it felt amazing to be at an AA meeting. Maybe it was the welcoming of the New Year, but I again felt protected and belonging and "locked in" by a family. After the meeting, Pixie and I went out for dinner with two women I didn't know. It turns out that one of them knows a childhood friend of mine who I haven't seen since the fifth grade!
When I got home that night, Narc IM'd me. He was still at Canyon Ranch. He told me that they were having a chill and mellow time, but that he and James had "hopped the wall" to head into town on New Years Eve where they had their last alcohol "for a very long time."
Well I'm back tomorrow afternoon, if you want to head over tomorrow early eve or what not, he said.
I agreed.
On Wednesday I did some work on my paper. Then I went to therapy. God, how I missed therapy! And it had only been one week without a session! I was so glad to start to process a lot of what was happening. The last time I was there was way before Christmas-- the week Narc wasn't talking to me. After therapy I stopped for a quick bite in La Parisienne and then went to my voice lesson.
I was in better physical shape this week at the lesson and even had a new aria assigned-- "O patria mia" from Aida. It's awesome... and it hits a high-C on the last page. Yay!
I was expecting to head to Narc's after the lesson, but he hadn't responded to the text I sent him at 4:30. So, I called him on his cell phone and his home phone, leaving messages in both places. He texted me back: Just getting in, going for din. Call you in a bit.
With Narc, that could mean one hour or three... so, I headed to AA. My home group holds a Big Book study meeting on Wednesday nights and I never go, but I figured I might as well check it out, as it's a new year and they'd be starting from the beginning. Plus, the Wednesday night meeting is really close to where I live. And, as it turns out, I was glad I went. I think I may go back next week too!
When I left the meeting, the temperature outside had plummeted. It was brutal, lung-freezing cold... cold that stung and beat and hurt. And I sort of loved it. So, I walked home. I still hadn't heard from Narc.
Let the waiting game begin... I hate when even the best laid plans become a waiting game with him. But, I really have very little control over it. So, rather than fret and get sick, I did my best to enjoy my evening, eating dinner, watching some TV, and reading the first few chapters of a book recommended to me by a woman in AA. (I'd tell you the title, but I'm a little embarrassed.)
I never heard from him.
Now I was really upset-- first of all because I had cancelled plans with Hammer in order to see Narc, and second of all because I was tired and wanted to wind down but couldn't, given the possibility that he'd call. So, I decided to try to re-take control of my evening.
I sent him a text at about 10:30 PM: Think I'm in for the night now. Not sure what you're up to, but I'm tired. So, some other time...
Strangely enough, I heard back from him right away.
Narc: Just wrapped 2 hour massage, back in now. You're in for the night?
Hyde: Well, hadn't heard from you so just left that msg & decided not to wait up. You needed a massage after the spa weekend? Kind of funny...
He didn't answer for a few minutes, so I just called him. We talked for a few minutes about his trip and about what I did for New Year's. Then I headed down there.
I wasn't prepared for what I found-- NARC WAS BEARDLESS!!! He said he shaved it off in order to get a facial, but that I shouldn't worry as it was already on its way back. It was weird and a little unsettling. He looked really different without the beard, in ways that it's difficult to describe. In any case, he was in the middle of some email correspondence about making his movie, so I waited in the living room and read The Idiot while he finished up.
When he came back out, we bummed around for a while watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's kind of an awesome show. It was cold, so we snuggled under the blanket. Narc told me that he is officially on his new regime of healthy living and hyper-productivity. He wants to lose 40 lbs and finish two scripts and one essay before the move to LA in March. (I still can't believe it's happening. I feel queasy about it). He said that he and James had made the pact together, but that as soon as they were back in NYC, James hit the bars for a night of sex, drugs and booze, booze, booze. Even though I don't think that moving across the country and becoming a workaholic will make Narc happy, I'm proud of him for his willingness to try it all. And who knows-- maybe I'm just a cynic and everything will work out exactly as he's planning for it to. In any case, he took a few classes at the spa and came home with a watercolor painting and a re-discovered obsession with the Tarot.
Anyway, we got to bed around 2:30 AM and had really amazing sex. I can't help but be in love with him. Then this morning, I woke him up with a blow job and we had amazing sex again. Yup... I love him.
We decided to go out for lunch today, but he had a million lists to make and emails to read and then he looked through hundreds of pictures of tarot decks online before we could get out of the house. I got bored waiting. I sang some arias under my breath and paced his living room. Finally, we were out into the freezing cold-- first to the bank for him to deposit some checks, and then for lunch at the Sun Cafe.
Narc told me that he had a dream that he was visited by an angel or guide named "Patrick" and that he was told that the next place he lives will "bring out his true self." Narc asked the guide where that place was, and Patrick told him he would know because there would be "papers (or pages) of birds." Strange...
After that, I told him I had to head home to get some work done on my INC. He said he wanted to go to Century 21 to buy a warmer scarf. I told him I'd walk him there.
Narc has a beautiful black cashmere coat, but it's missing a button and another is loose. In this weather, you want to be able to pull your coat as tight as possible. (As I told Narc-- this weather is like rough sex with God-- painful but exhilarating). He asked me if I knew where to buy buttons. We found him a tailor-- a little old Chinese lady who sewed the buttons while we waited. Narc and I sat on a bench in the tiny shop. I watched our reflection in the mirror. I put my head on his shoulder. We laughed at the ubiquitous "Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar" flyer in the window. The old Chinese lady finished sewing the coat.
Back out into the cold.
I walked Narc the rest of the way to Century 21 before he kissed me goodbye and put me into a cab. Then I headed home to try to work on a paper and watch NDN iron his suit jacket while filling me in on details about his newfound "lover." After that I went to AA.
And now, I'm home again. Narc texted me that he bought three scarves. My living room is cold because an entire wall is made up of windows.
Tomorrow night I have plans with Bezoukhoff and then Anxious and Bulgi are throwing themselves a wedding/going away party. For now, I'm going to go crawl under the covers and watch some TV. I have to get up early tomorrow if I'm going to put in a full day of work on my INC.
Still feeling good about the New Year...
lots of love,
h
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
A Good Start
It's nearly 5:00 AM and I'm about to head to bed. I just wanted to stop and say that this has been one of the best New Year's Eves of my entire life, if not the best. I feel good about myself, about my friends, about my life. I had an amazing time tonight. And it was interesting, strange, fun, full of friends, full of partying, and even held a surprise ending. AND I was sober!!! All that and sober! Fucking amazing. There are miracles after all.
More on tonight's festivities tomorrow.
But so far, 2008 is going just fine!
Lots of love,
h
More on tonight's festivities tomorrow.
But so far, 2008 is going just fine!
Lots of love,
h
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