Apotheosis

I keep thinking of that word... "Apotheosis." I don't know why. Probably because I miss Narc. And I miss having someone on whom I can dump my devotional aspirations.

I had dinner with my sponsor, Leseco, StarGazer and a few others last night. My sponsor (Cherubino) and her "sober-brother" had been to see the Bill W. meets Bob play that's on here in NY now. I forget the title of the play.

"Are you a Bill or a Bob?" they were asking around the table.

"What's the difference?" I asked Cherubino.

"You're definitely a Bob," she said.

"Which is--?"

"Bob blames himself for all of his problems. Bill blames everyone else."

I laughed. (Narc would definitely be a "Bill" then). The entire conversation was kind of silly and and dumb. But it reminded me of when my friends from college and I used to do try to analyze each others personalities based on our favorite movement of the Mozart Requiem.

Anyway, I'm a little depressed today and don't feel like writing much. I'm just grateful that I got those exams graded. I've been typing up my old diaries. I'm already almost back to 2002. If you ever feel like procrastinating, you can go check it out here. I've got diaries on my bedroom shelf going back to 1995. It's kind of a massive undertaking...

Okay. I'm going to return to my gloomy isolation now and then maybe rouse myself into doing something with my evening.

love,
h

PS: I bought season 1 of Rome and it just arrived. I am SO crushing on Mark Anthony still...

Wagnerian!

Guess what?!?

I had a voice lesson today and she said I'm a Wagnerian Soprano.

WTF?!?!?

I'm off to sing Elsa's Dream.

PS: I'm not a super big soprano--no Brunnhilde-- but a regular dramatic (Elsa, Sieglinda, etc.)

Loose Ends

A blast from the past... from exactly a year ago, actually.

I was at my meeting last night, politely applauding my way through the stream of day-counters, when guess what I heard?

"Hi, I'm Merlin and I'm an alcoholic."

Merlin!?! Do you guys remember him? He was that super strange guy I met while at a party with NDN and Narc just about exactly a year ago. (If you forgot, you can read about it here.) In any case, I said hi to him after the meeting, and I think it scared him a little... It kind of blew my mind.

Meema qualified at the meeting and she was great. She talked about what had helped her most in sobriety and one of things she named was me! It was so sweet that I actually started tearing up. It was a huge meeting and afterwards, several people mentioned it to me. Her husband came to hear her speak and it was nice-- usually I only hear her complain about her problems with her husband, but she was so loving about him in her qualification and he was so proud of her that I got to see an entire other side of their relationship. It reminded me not to be so swift to pass judgement.

Slope and Lana and I went out to eat after the meeting. We walked to Houston's at the CitiCorp center. While we were waiting for our table, I noticed a little jazz trio near the bar, and I recognized the pianist! It was the guy who plays Mondays and Fridays down at Monster-- the same one who once told me he was the duc de Saint-Simon. I went over to him to say hi.

"What are you doing in Midtown?" I asked.

He thought that was really funny.

I had a nice time with Slope and Lana last night, but I was sharply aware of how much younger they are. It's not that they're immature... they're not. They're just younger. And it shows. I felt a little out of place. At one point we realized that the year I got arrested for buying coke, Lana was only 11! That freaked me out.

Anyway... also yesterday, I said my final goodbyes to Brick. He disappointed me so deeply, but I am really starting to see how this whole 4th step/ 10th step thing works. My part in it all is so glaringly clear to me that I can't blame him. I knew from day one what he was like.

You all know how he has completely blown me off (for no apparent reason) ever since he started to feel more comfortable in AA. Well, yesterday afternoon he sent me a text:

Hey... would u mind emailing me my updated resume and cover letter?

I couldn't believe the gall he has to ask me for a favor! He is absolutely ridiculous. It got me so fuming mad that I nearly punched a wall.

Later in the afternoon I was talking to Meema. She agreed that Brick's behavior is inexplicably self-centered and outrageous, and she convinced me that I wouldn't feel better unless I said something. So... I called Brick and left him a message, telling him that I thought he had a lot of nerve to ask me for a favor when he hasn't contacted me in over a month except to demand his clothing back and to tell me he has no time for me.

He was too much of a coward to call me back, instead sending me a text: That is the only place I saved them...

Now I was really mad. So, I wrote back to him: So. rewrite them. I don't want to be nice to you. You hurt me. Sorry...

His reply? It is not about being nice... it is about giving me what is mine... i don't hate u... i care about u... but our friendship was too toxic and guilt ridden.

Again, I found this whole thing to be ludicrous. The only thing "guilt ridden" about our friendship was the fact that Brick felt guilty when I complained that he blew me off four or five times in a row. I have to say, though-- he's right about the relationship being toxic. I'll give him that.

Anyway, I thought about the whole thing and didn't want it on my conscience and didn't want to have to deal with him ever again, so I called him one more time. Predictably, he didn't pick up.

"It's Hyde," I said. "I'll send you your stuff, but only for the sake of doing the right thing, and not having it on my head-- for my own sobriety and not because I want to be nice to you..."

(I know... But I'm only halfway better...).

"I've told you that you really hurt me," I went on. "You were one of my best friends. And if you found our relationship to be 'toxic and guilt ridden' then the very least you could have done was said that to me and ended the relationship upfront as opposed to ignoring me and confusing me and hurting me the way you did. Anyway, I hope that this is the last thing that you need from me because I don't ever want to hear from you after this. Good luck with your sobriety and take care..."

And that's that. For some reason, it is coming easy to me now... I don't want to see him ever again.

Last night I was up late grading midterms (so I got no reprieve from my sleepless state the night before!). And I kind of slipped and texted Narc. I am so determined not to obsess about him that I don't really want to write to him, but for the sake of being thorough, here's what I said:

Do you remember a year ago you met me at my friend's bday in Chelsea and there was a really weird guy there we got coke from? (The same night we went to Biddy Early's & you debated that guy on Joyce). Anyway, I saw the strange coke guy at AA tonight. SO surreal, I had to tell you...

He wrote back pretty quickly: They guy who texted you with "Who dis?" Yeah, I remember him. Pretty funny...

I can't believe Narc remembered a detail that I had forgotten! For some fucked up reason, it warmed my heart. I'm still so crazy about him, but fighting tooth and nail for my sanity.

I wrote back:

Ha ha! I forgot that part. But I went up & said hi to him today & think I completely freaked him out. Of course, he didn't remember... Anyway, I'm back to grading midterms. Sweet dreams.

I had to end the conversation conclusively. Otherwise, I know Narc... I would try to continue texting, he would ignore some question of mine and just decide he was "done" with the coverstaion and I would be left hanging-- nauseated and anxious, trying to fall asleep with the phone in my hand.

Ugh. In any case, there was no point in texting him to begin with and I kind of feel shitty that I did it. Old habits just die hard, I guess.

This morning, while I was teaching, I had to give a student a makeup exam. She sat through the class and took the entire exam. Afterwards, as I was gathering up my papers, preparing to return to my office, she approached me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I'm really embarrassed to say this," she said, "but I took the wrong exam."

"What do you mean you took the wrong exam?"

"I was supposed to take the one on ancient history and instead I took the other one-- the one on French Revolution and stuff..."

"And you only realized this just now?" I asked, incredulously.

"Yeah," she mumbled. "I thought it looked a little unfamiliar and afterwards I checked my study sheet and realized that none of the stuff I studied was on the test I took."

She is a fucking moron. I'm sorry, but that does it. I am officially over feeling bad when a student fails one of my tests. If anyone can be that plainly moronic, it clearly has nothing to do with what I do in the classroom!

Anyway, I have a lot more midterms to grade today, reading to do for class, a voice lesson at 4:00 pm (yay! But I'm scared...) and class tonight. Then, I have to finish that conference paper by tomorrow... Oh yeah-- and the never ending Fourth Step. So much to do on so little sleep! I'm off in search of caffeine.

Love,

h

Sleepless Nights

My eyes are stinging and red today. Just another sign of Spring, I guess. I couldn't sleep at all last night. But despite how much work I have to do this week, I started a new (and totally unnecessary) project. I've decided to type up my old journals as a back-dated blog (of course leaving out any entries inappropriate for the Internet). Last night, in the dead of night, I typed up my entire diary dating June, 2004-June 2005. Most of it is from the summer of 2004-- before I started the Annals.

Anyway, that's it for now. Gotta go teach...

-h-

"Stirring Dull Roots with Spring Rain"

I hate that the spring is coming. Everything is dripping and melting-- the last snow is sliding off scaffolding everywhere and plopping down in huge, gross, raindrops into my hair as I try to navigate the crowded streets.

Nothing happens in the Spring.

GoldenFinch called me to cheer me up the other day.

"I know you must need it," she said in her voicemail. "April is coming. I know you hate April."

I used to walk around bitterly quoting that "April is the cruellest month."

Who the hell did I think I was?

(breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain. Winter kept us warm, covering Earth in forgetful snow, feeding A little life with dried tubers.)

Anyway, this weekend was a bit of a strange one. In therapy on Friday, I started out talking about Narc and ended up talking about all of the boys I dated in college-- in particular, AIR7. Suffice it to say, they were all unpleasant memories. Afterwards, I had plans to go out for coffee with B and Drippy. I asked Bezoukhoff to come along as emotional backup.

Drippy decided to arrange an outing to Postcrypt-- the coffee house in the basement of St. Paul's Chapel at Columbia.


(This picture is from the Internet, but at least it give you a sense of what the place looks like).

Anyway, I thought it was a strange choice, given that B and I both went to Columbia and the whole campus and neighborhood is filled with personal memories for us.

Bezoukhoff and I approached them on College Walk where I greeted Drippy with a smile. She was pretty awkward in return. I wasn't feeling up to my task of "bridging the gulf," given the afternoon's therapy session, but I did my best. I have to say-- I didn't like being back up at Columbia. I felt surrounded by ghosts-- ghosts of my former self. It was especially strange being on the campus at night and being there with B. I felt a lump in my chest.

I remembered long evenings sitting in B's dorm room-- he'd be playing Barber's Adagio for Strings or Brahms' German Requiem, the halogen light turned down low. He'd be working on some paper or philosophizing about some reading he did for class. And I'd be sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, my knees pulled up to my chest, debating him on the issue at hand and burning my wrist with a lighter. What happened to those two?

We ate at the Bengal Cafe (where I've only ever ordered vegetable korma) and the awkward conversation continued. When B got up to go to the bathroom, I tried to ask Drippy about the wedding, but she answered me with little more that one word answers.

"What is your color scheme?" I asked.

"Red, gold and orange," she said.

"Oh really? That's nice. My sister is going with reddish colors too. She's getting married this year."

Silence.

"So... Um... how many bridesmaids are you having?"

And so, it went on like that.

Anyway, after we ate, we headed over to the chapel. That brought on a whole new slew of menacing old memories-- I haven't been down in that church basement since running around down there before choir concerts. Lifetimes ago. Ghosts.

I really liked the singer we heard-- Thea Hopkins. She was selling her Cd's there and chivalrous, sweet Bezoukhoff bought me one.

Even so, it was hard not to get depressed during her performance. All of her songs were pretty mellow and the ones about love made me think of Narc. I am trying to accept my own grieving of that loss. I am trying to allow myself to do it, but I've never been very good at allowing myself to mourn-- at allowing myself to have any feelings at all. I also felt weird being there with B. He and I were last at Postcrypt together eight years ago. I wanted to let myself feel close to him. I wanted to be able to grab onto his arm. I wanted to become that girl that I was again-- the girl who trusted no one in the world to see her the way that B could. Everything would be okay as long as we could go through it together. But I'm not that girl anymore. And there was Drippy sitting on his other side and Bezoukhoff on my other side. A jarring reminder of the present. I cupped my hands around the votive candle on the table. I used to hold my fingertips and my wrists over restaurant candles. B would always poke me to make me stop. I kept myself from it this time.

All in all, it was a strange night. As we were leaving, B and Drippy suddenly rushed ahead, which made the evening's denouement all the more awkward.

And that was that.

On Saturday morning I rolled out of bed with a groan in time to make the 9:15 am Women's meeting. Meema came to that meeting for the first time. I was glad she was able to. She and her husband finally moved into their new place in Long Island City, so she's no longer commuting from Westchester. Anyway, afterwards, I went for brunch with Slope and two other women and then headed out to meet BigSis. I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but earlier in the week, BigSis sent me a text which really took me by surprise:

Just thinking of how lucky i am to have u as my sister.

We are not super affectionate in my family among siblings (it's a little different with my mom), so I was dumbfounded when I got the text. But I am chalking it up to a "gift of sobriety." I may have lost Narc, but I keep trying to tell myself that there's a lot to be gained.

Anyway, BigSis invited me to see one of her clients perform in a high school production of Gypsy. (BigSis is a therapist and works both privately and through a high school here in the city). It was a lot of fun. High school theater has so much heart. And it reminded me of my own days of community theater with BigSis when I was in high school.

Afterwards, we chatted over french onion soup (we realized after having been seated that we couldn't afford any entrees at the restaurant of choice!) and then I headed home.

Despite all of the activity and despite my new found friendships with the women in AA and the time spent with BigSis, I found myself sliding into depression. I wanted him... I really wanted him. I didn't know what to do with myself. I watched some TV. I didn't know what to do with myself. I layed in bed and polished my nails. I didn't know what to do with myself. So... I did what I used to do...

I put on some makeup and I went over to Cheers.

I know it sounds bad... it sounds worse that it was. It was only 8:30 and I went over there because BarMan was playing a gig to raise money for his friend's trip to build houses in Africa. I sat at the end of the bar and had a few diet cokes. I said hi to Manwich and ThursdayGirl and Masseuse and PreppyGirl. But, it was depressing. I don't belong there anymore.

The whole spirit of Cheers feels different now that IrishBird is gone. They've added some photos, redecorating the place, and they are really playing up IrishBird's replacements, which I found rather irritating. The world of Cheers that I knew is gone. Just like the world I knew at Columbia, where B and I used to live together, that's gone too. The whole weekend was turning into an exercise in uncomfortable revisits to my past lives. They all hurt. There's a reason that I've been fighting so hard for change.

I felt surrounded by the ghost of myself... oppressed by her... suffocated. I had to get out of there. So, I said my goodbyes, gave BarMan a kiss and left by 9:00.

I went back home. I still felt stifled.

I got into bed and started to re-watch episodes of Rome. I called a woman from the program-- a red-headed graduate of FIT. I need a name for her... I'll call her Lorelei. We talked for about an hour. She said that I saved her from her own isolating. Her roommate had gone out of town for the week and she was holing up, eating grilled cheese and indulging in a little too much self-pity. It helped to talk to her because I was able to explain that craving that I was having... That absolute craving for SOMETHING... for MORE... for ANYTHING... It's a craving that I hear people talk about in the rooms of AA all the time. But never before have I met anyone who understands that feeling in exactly the same way. So, it was nice to have Lorelei to commiserate with.

Later on, I laughed when I got a text from Hammer. She and the Alaskan were out at some German pub, eating schnitzel. The Alaskan and I got into a mini-debate over which of the men on Rome are most lust-worthy. I said "Mark Antony" all the way, while he advocated Octavian. (He also added that he finally understands my relationship with N!) He has a crush on Cleopatra. I have to say, I kind of hate her because in my mind, if Narc is Antony, then I am Attia and PopStar is Cleopatra.

Anyway, Hammer and the Alaskan made me laugh.

Strangely, I also got a text from Double-T on Saturday inviting me to hang out over at Cheers. I wrote back to him telling him I had already been there, and was at home for the night, cozy in bed.

On Sunday, I slept in until 2:00 pm. I didn't want to wake up... not ever again! But, I did. And I eventually dragged myself out of the house. I had to get out of my neighborhood, but I felt lonely and crazy and invisible. I went down to the West Village and ate lunch at Cafe Reggio and then sat at the Tea Spot all afternoon and worked on my Fourth Step. I have over 100 pages of resentments alone! I am one resentful girl! I finished the day with a meeting at night and then it was home and to bed.

I'm not quite sure how to feel right now, what to write, or anything. I bought a journal yesterday (and a fabulous feather headband), and I think I may try to journal by hand for a bit and then type it all up for the blog. I'm just not comfortable right now. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm still thinking about him all the time, and wondering for how long I will have to be in mourning like this.

Anyway, there's no point in dwelling on it. I should get going... back out into the drippy, melting spring weather. I have a ton of midterms to grade.

Love,
h

The Busy Bee

My sponsor suggested that I keep busy, and keeping busy I am!

This morning I taught two classes. It's midterm week, so I didn't have to lecture. Instead, I worked on my 4th step while my students took their exams.

After that, I stopped in at St. Paul's-- the church near the school where I teach.

From there, I headed downtown to meet my "sober niece"-- my sponsor's other sponsee's sponsee... These things get complicated, I suppose. She's got just about 30 days. We went out for lunch and she talked and talked. I think she really needed someone to listen, so that's what I did. It was nice. It reminded me that I actually have come pretty far. She was talking about how she couldn't go to Florida to visit her sister because she didn't have an ID and couldn't get herself to the DMV to get one. I remembered how long it took me to return my library books and start opening my mail.

A friend of mine chairs a meeting that my home group brings to a local mental institution and can't do the meeting next week. She asked me to fill in for her. I'm nervous about it, so I decided to go this week and observe. That was the next stop in my busy afternoon.

After that meeting, I headed back to my place where I met Anxious for an afternoon of coffee and catching up. She has been applying for PhD programs to study Spanish Literature and just found out that she didn't get into any programs in NY, but was accepted to UCLA with an amazing package. It looks like she and Bulgi will be heading to the West coast next fall!

By 6:00 I was exhausted, but the day was still not done. I headed over to my regular Thursday night meeting where I cheerfully reported the days events to my sponsor.

I have to say, I'm shocked. I'm SHOCKED that I'm okay. I would even venture to say that I spent most of the day happy!

But then he started to creep back into my thoughts. There was a boy (albeit a gay boy) sitting in front of me at the meeting tonight and he had a red beard the exact shade of red. His hair crept over his ears just a little bit. He had the same defined lips. And I started to feel queasy. I miss him a lot. I don't want to talk about him, write about him, but I can't help it. I miss being physically near him. I was thinking about his hands... about his cuticles. I was thinking about when I used to go over to his place and he would put his feet up on my lap and I would rub his feet for him, and what they felt like through his socks... and in my hands. I thought about how his beard felt when I would hold his face and kiss him. It made me want to make out with the boy sitting in front of me. There I was lusting after some poor newcomer just because he was a trigger for me.

So, I'm home now and watching Ugly Betty, and I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be okay. I have no control over this. I have no control over him. But it's hard to miss someone so physically... so viscerally... and to know that you will never share that same physicality with him ever again.

Speaking of endings, I texted Brick yesterday too-- I told him that I assumed that we are no longer friends as he is no longer talking to me. I told him that it hurts. He didn't write back until this morning. He said he's just "working his program" right now. I didn't know that meant ditching me as a friend. I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe I did nothing wrong. I can't seem to get angry at Narc, but I'm angry at Brick.

Anyway, I should get off the topic before I get in over my head. I should get back to Ugly Betty. I should get to bed soon. After all, tomorrow I have to take my sponsor's suggestion again and keep myself a busy bee!

love,
h

The Calm at the End of the Storm

I always thought that when this moment really came, it would kill me. Instead, I find myself quietly at peace. Don't get me wrong-- my stomach is still in knots and my heart is still broken, but I'm okay. (I'm okay?!?!) I'm okay!

I know it's going to hurt for a while. But I if I could give up drinking, I can give up Narc.

I don't want to make this blog about Narc anymore. I only wanted to tell you that I feel good about things, that I'm sure that he loves me, and that I'm finally feeling a little closure. I texted him yesterday in the morning:

I'm glad your health is improving. Good luck with all of the change. Keep in touch. And lots of love.

Surprisingly, he answered a few hours later:

Lots of love to you too. You're going to make waves at that conference... I can feel it..!

I appreciated that from him. I know how limited he is. I don't know... I just love him so much and I want him to find his happiness out there. I want to find my happiness out there. And I always knew that it wouldn't be with each other. We both knew that. So, if it had to end at some point, it had to end. It's ending now... And I'm at peace because I still love him. I'm not angry. And I know that he loves me. It just wasn't meant to be for us. I'm at peace with closing this chapter, even though it still hurts. It may hurt for a long time.

Last night after AA, a guy named Bob who was celebrating his 20 year anniversary invited everyone back to his apartment for a party. I didn't want to go. I wanted to go home and be pensive. But, taking my sponsor's suggestion, I had to work against my instinct to isolate. So, I went. It was strange to be at a NY apartment party with the same plastic cups and the same "bar" set up in the kitchen, only with soda. It was a pizza party. In some ways, I liked it-- it was like being in the sixth grade-- pizza, cake and soda and lots of friends in one place. A lot of people showed up to the party-- at least 50 or so. It was a good chance to talk to some group members that I haven't yet gotten to know. I also spent a good deal of time chatting with StarGazer and with my sponsor.

Anyway, I have to run because Slope is qualifying this afternoon and I want to jump in the shower before I go over there.

I'm still not sure how to feel what I'm feeling (or even how to identify it!) and I'm a little drained and mentally distracted. So... I may be a little all over the place for the next few weeks. I'm definitely very sensitive right now. But, thanks for all of the love and support, as always!

love,
h

Starting Over

Welcome to my new beginning.

The picture up top isn't as pretty as over at The Annals, but my life is kind of like that right now-- a little blurry and rough around the edges. Nothing is nearly as romanticized, but nor am I nearly as delusional.

I chose "St. Cecilia" because she's a woman inspired. She is surrounded by the angels of music, by nature and by her higher power. She is not pushed to the side pining over a Narcissist. And she's reading and meditating (or sleeping, depending on how you interpret it), but those are all activities with which I would do well to spend more time.

I'm not sure what this blog is going to become. I only know that it can no longer be what it was.

If I have some time over the next few weeks, I'll see about fine-tuning the template.

love,
h