The Great Back-and-Forth

Sorry for causing your withdrawal, Shorty! That has certainly not been the intention of my absence. It has been helpful for me not to obsess over every little detail of every Narc-interaction by writing it all down here. That said, I miss blogging when I stay away...

Anyway, a lot has been going on. For starters, Bezoukhoff proposed to a girl he's only been dating for a few weeks. I think I'll call her "Medici." I asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do.

"We just click," he said.

God bless him for that!

Things with Narc have been up and down as always. He basically disappeared a few weeks ago-- we went from seeing each other on a semi-daily basis to not seeing each other at all. I think I mentioned that in my last post, as it had already started then. I texted him a few times telling him that I missed him in a "casual" way, and he responded in an equally casual way with something to the effect of: am sure will see you soon, hon!

In any case, the more days that passed, the more anxious I felt. I ended up seeing him on Friday, May 30th and I found out that he had met some new girl (and went on a date with her?)-- a friend of his friend-- and that he was playing phone tag with her all week, while avoiding me. This information made me sick to my stomach, but in a numb way. Who the fuck knows where I emotionally store this stuff at this point... I stayed over his place that night, but didn't talk to him for the next few days after that. On Saturday I went to Bro-in-Law's 30th birthday party and on Sunday I hung out with StarGazer at her apartment for a while and then went to a party at Medici's place in Astoria.

On Monday, Anxious was in town and we met for lunch at Bloomingdale's. I bought a new perfume-- "Bronze Goddess" and I am now obsessed with it. I also bought a bronzer for summer. I'm pretty pale and usually go for wintry looks, so we'll see if I can pull it off.

I sent Narc a text that afternoon:
Is something going on with you???

He wrote back an hour or so later:
Working hon! Weren't you the one who said "with this offer, why aren't you spending every moment on your script...?" Looking to finish this week then. Call soon.

So, I replied:
I'm glad that you're working. I just have the feeling that something else is going on with you. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get out of this...

Trying to get my life together, finally! Surely you know the feeling, he said.

I didn't respond.

On Tuesday after AA, I had dinner with my friend NV. He marveled at the fact that I am still seeing Narc and we had a long talk about it. I really felt my feet at the edge of an enormous cliff, about to take the leap. After what happened with his birthday, not even I can pretend that we have any shot at any sort of future. Still, I feel immobilized and full of fear. NV suggested that I make some lists-- what are some good things that Narc has done for me and what are some bad thing that he's done. Why should I stay with him, and why shouldn't I? I came home and made the lists and nearly posted them here on this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't click "publish post."

I called my mom later that night and told her that I am lonely. I am. I want a companion and Narc is never going to be that person for me. I was feeling abandoned, but strange. The world seemed to expand in size with each passing day that I didn't hear from him.

On Wednesday I had plans to meet up with B before my voice lesson. He was going to come with me to my lesson and then the two of us were heading over to a "Summer Sing"-- an impromptu singing of the Brahms Requiem. I have a new cell phone and fumbled when it rang on Wednesday afternoon, inadvertently answering it, before I could see who it was that was calling. I was mildly shocked to hear Narc's voice on the other end of the line after his prolonged absence.

"It's been a little while," he said.

"Yeah."

I felt and sounded like a robot.

"Well, I'm not doing anything today," he said. "I'm just lounging around down here, so..."

("So...? So, what?" I wanted to ask. "So... come suck your dick?")

"I'm busy this afternoon," I said. "I'm going to my voice lesson and then to some choral thing with B. I can't hang out."

"Oh, well, no problem, hon! Just give me a call when you're done with all that."

"Yeah... okay, whatever."

I felt unsettled and scared and pissed at myself and pissed at him when I hung up the phone. I headed over to my voice lesson even so. My sponsee called while I was in the cab and being of service to her really helped me take my mind off of my own self-obsession.

I had a decent lesson and B and I had fun at the Brahms rehearsal. A lot of people came over to talk to me at the break and then at the end of the run-through because I stood out as a skilled singer. B seemed annoyed when some guy was talking to me at the end and rudely interrupted us by waving his arms. That prompted a mini-spat between me and B, but it blew over. I was just trying to reach out and make conversation with new people mostly because my mom had told me that if I felt lonely I should try to have a more open energy and talk to everyone I meet.

When I got home that night, I sent Narc a text-- only because he was expecting me to call.

Just back home, but think I'm in for the night...

It took him a little while to respond.

As you like hon. Talk in a bit, he said.

That made me crazy. It made me anxious. I don't know why, but this is clearly the crux of my sickness when it comes to him. I couldn't bear it. So, I wrote back again.

unless you feel like coming up here... I said.

He didn't answer, and so I felt worse and worse. I wrote to him again:
Just let me know soon or I'll assume that's a "no..."

He called around midnight and said that he had been out with his friend Steve at Cercle Rouge.

"If you're down for the night, I don't have to come," he said.

I felt torn and anxious.

"Just come up here, okay?"

I met him at Cheers. He was drinking Jack Daniels with just a splash of diet coke. It looked like iced tea. We sat there and chatted for a while.

"It's over between me and my mom," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"We had it out this week. Actually, she mentioned you," he smiled.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I called her because I needed some cash and she was being awful about it," he explained. "So, I told her to forget it-- that I could borrow from you or CouchSleeper or whoever. And she actually said not to bother you-- 'Don't borrow money from Hyde. She's such a nice girl... and not after what you put her through when you were in the hospital!' Can you believe her?"

"Wait-- what? Why would she say that?"

"She thinks I put her through something... that I put you through something. I was the one who was sick!" he said. "I was the one going through something. She's always been like this though."

"Narc, you and I have been through a lot... A lot of uncomfortable things and a lot of pain... But showing up for you when you were sick was NOT an inconvenience. It was not a trouble for me. That's ridiculous."

"That's my mother," he said. "And she called me a few days later. She was drunk. She told me not to contact her again-- that she would set something up with the bank that would automatically deposit money for me, so we won't ever have to talk again."

I felt terrible for him and gave him a hug. I just slung my arms around his neck and held on. But, I still thought it was phenomenally weird that his mother even remembered me, let alone brought me up, let alone defended me. So strange...

We stayed there a while longer while Narc had at least another six or seven drinks. FightingMensch was there drinking at the other end of the bar. I haven't seen him in forever! At some point, he was totally blitzed and on his way out. He stopped by to say hello. He told me that he got married.

"Really? Congrats! Who did you marry?"

"Some chick. She likes to shop."

"That's great, congrats," I said again.

"You've lost a lot of weight," he pointed out. "Is that rude of me to say? I mean, is it rude to say it?"

He smiled a drunken, bleary smile.

"No, FightingMensch, it's okay. I think at this point, I've lost enough weight that it would be rude if you were not to say anything."

"But you're healthy, though, right?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm healthy. Very happy."

"Still off the bottle? And you're not seeing that guy anymore are you?"

Oh, god, this was about to get awkward.

"Um... no... everything's good now," I said.

"You're not still seeing that guy?"

He was repeating himself in the way that only drunk people do.

"I hope you're not seeing that guy, Hyde. He was no good for you."

"I'm not seeing him. It's all okay now."

Narc wasn't saying anything through all of this, but I could feel him tensing up. Maybe it was my own tension. Whatever it was, I wanted the moment to pass.

When FightingMensch stumbled out, I turned to Narc.

"Did you hear what he said?"

"Um... no... I wasn't listening," he said.

"What he said about me not seeing that guy anymore?"

"Oh-- whatever."

"You know who he was talking about?"

"No..."

"He was talking about you, Narc!"

We went outside to smoke a cigarette.

"Why would he think I'm so awful?"

"All the shit that used to go down between us-- I got drunk and had a big mouth. I was always heartbroken. You just 'weren't that into me.'"

"If it helps, Hyde, I wasn't 'that into' anyone."

"I doesn't help," I laughed. "But, I showed up with choke marks once... and a black eye once. Remember? They thought that was from you. Also, all the craziness when I was pregnant."

"Oh, man! That guy probably wanted to punch me in the face!"

"That's why I didn't tell him it was you."

Anyway, we came home, had a lot of sex and that was Wednesday night.

On Thursday we had sushi for lunch and then I met up with my sponsor. We played some guitar hero and then I went to AA. When I got out, Narc had left me a message. He invited me to come down to watch some Hitchcock movies. I got there at around 10:00 PM and we watched To Catch a Thief.

On Friday we left his place together, taking the subway uptown. We both had therapy, but in different parts of town. In the afternoon I wandered around Union Square and bought an awesome book called "Apartment Therapy." That night I went to go hear my friend Drew give her first qualification at AA. She was great. Afterwards she wanted to go out. We headed down to the West Village and ate at Isle. Then we parked ourselves at Marie's Crisis and sang the night away. I had a great time getting to know her better. She's got about five months in the program and we have a lot in common. At Marie's the pianist has officially learned my name and told me that his mother's first name is similar to mine. My cell phone battery died just before 1:00 AM, as I forgot to charge it the night before at Narc's. I was slightly anxious about it, but tried to convince myself to stay present, to stay in the moment, and reminded myself that Narc and I didn't have any plans and I don't have to be constantly available.

When I got home at around 3:45 AM and plugged in my phone, I saw that I had missed several texts from Narc. He apparently had gone to Cheers looking for me. He left me a voice message at around 1:30 AM and another several hours later. In the second message, he was so drunk, so obliterated that he couldn't speak. It was a little scary. I dropped the phone and raced out the door to Cheers. The doors were locked, but I banged on the window. BarMan answered.

"Your boyfriend's in the bathroom," the bouncer said.

I went back there and knocked on the door.

"Narc? Narc! Are you okay?"

He finally emerged, his eyes bulging and bloodshot, barely able to walk. I took his hand and led him to the door. PumpedUp looked at me incredulously. I suddenly felt very foolish for a whole slew of reasons.

Back at my place, Narc just wanted to make out and have more and more and more sex, which entailed a lot of sloppy drunk pawing. All of that kept me up until well after 5:00 AM. When he finally passed out, he snored so loudly that I couldn't get to sleep.

On Saturday we slept in until at least 4:00 PM. I cleaned my kitchen for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening while he watched TV. It felt cozy and domestic to me and I felt myself receding into fantasy land, but I was happy for the moment.

In the afternoon, both my mom and Cherubino called and I didn't mention to either that I was with Narc at that moment. I just couldn't deal with it there and then.

"Interesting that you didn't say you were with me," he said.

"Why, are you offended?"

"I'm just saying-- you're supposed to be all about honesty with your whole AA thing and you're not being honest."

"I'm not being dishonest."

"I bet your mom doesn't even know that you've been seeing me since we split in April," he said.

"That's not true. I told her I was seeing you again. She knows how upset I was about your birthday. Besides, why do you care?"

"I don't!" he insisted. "I"m just saying... you're trying to be all honest, so..."

"It just causes aggravation, Narc. They're just going to tell me not to see you."

"Why would they say that?"

"Are you serious? Because this relationship causes me pain. Because you don't want to be with me-- you've made that clear. And they think I deserve more than that."

He didn't say anything.

"Besides, you've done that to me a hundred times!"

"Not really."

"Yes... you're always doing that. I'll be at your house and you'll get on the phone with someone and say you're just bumming around at home or whatever and leave out the fact that I'm there."

"It's not intentional if I did that," he said.

"Not intentional? You even did it in writing!!"

I reminded him of his blog entry from three years ago.

"I spent the whole weekend with you and then you went and wrote about how you did nothing all weekend so you jumped at the chance to have dinner with the Exhibitionist."

"I wouldn't have done that," he said.

"Let's check it out!"

I went online and read him his entry.

"If I wrote that, then we must not have spent the weekend together."

"Oh, really? Well, let's go take a look at my blog from that weekend!"

I read to him how I had met him on Friday night, what he had been wearing, where we had gone for brunch on Saturday, etc.

My point was made.

That night, we headed over to Hooters for a bite to eat. Mostly, we went there as a joke. The food was so heavy that it was practically inedible. And Narc started downing Jack Daniels just to stabilize himself. He didn't remember me getting him home the night before.

We relocated from midtown down to his neighborhood, ending up at The Odeon for dessert. He must have had five or six whiskeys in the hour and wasn't even tipsy. I pointed out that he needed all that just to feel "normal."

"Yeah, I guess my tolerance for Jack is pretty high," he laughed.

It scares me though.

I felt love, but I felt moody.

"Why didn't you invite me to your birthday, Narc!" I asked again, after turning the words over in my head silently for half an hour.

"I didn't DO anything for my birthday!"

"That's not true."

We had the same dumb-ass, pointless conversation yet again. We dropped the subject, unresolved, yet again.

Then we went back to his place for bed.

On Sunday I headed out to Long Island to spend the day with my family. My mom took me shopping for swimsuits at Macy's and then I joined my sisters and grandpa and brothers-in-law lolling around in the pool to escape the sweltering heat that has been upon us. My step-dad came home and barbecued. It was a nice afternoon.

I got back to the city at around 9:00 PM on Sunday night. I showered and changed and headed back downtown to meet Narc again. We watched North by Northwest. He made me a little dish of yogurt and berries and honey.

This morning we slept in and then had lunch at Megu. Afterwards, I went with him while he got his hair cut. Over lunch he told me that I should write a book out of my blog. I like the idea, but told him that I suck as an editor, always struggle with the fact that I can't leave anything out, and would have no idea how to create an overarching storyline.

"I can help you with that," he said. So, later on in the afternoon, he gave me an hour-long lesson about screenwriting structure. I sat at his counter and took notes. It was kind of sweet.

This evening I met up with my sponsee and then had dinner with NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika. NDN has a car for his job, so he drove us over the George Washington Bridge for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey. The portions were fucking enormous! I really like Tamika. She seems like a cool girl and her temperament compliments NDN. I found out that Tamika's best friend is dating a guy who lived in my suite in college my junior year. Weird... After dinner, we stopped briefly at the storage facility (or what NDN likes to call his "drug den") and then came back home.

And that about brings you all up to date on my life. I'm too tired to process anything beyond that for now. Writing such an extensive catch-up has wiped me out! I'm listening to Purcell's music for Queen Mary's funeral. It is dim and quiet in my apartment with just the hum of my airconditioner, soft Baroque melodies and Mr. Rochester's big green eyes. I am hoping the heat wave will pass soon. Next week I'm off to Texas to visit Liu. I'm really excited for the trip.

Anyway, I hope you are all well out there.

lots of love!
h