Once again...

I'm tired of this blog at this address. It happens...

I'm starting over again. You can find me here.

cheers!
h

Ich Hab' Die Ganze Nacht Geweint...

I must be self-obsessed because I've been watching Season 1 of "Sex and the City" and every episode that I see pertains immediately to me.

There's nothing I can do except admire my new haircut while listening to Marlene Dietrich tracks and chain-smoke cigarettes. Even though Marlboro Reds are strong enough to burn my tongue sometimes, the smoke they produce is deliciously thick.

Still not feeling it with Narc. No attraction. Am I done? Maybe. Is he done? Maybe. I slept there last night, but neither one of us really wanted to have sex. I lay there, unable to fall asleep, wondering what the whole point of it is if we're not having sex. I mean... that's what we were, to me... That's the aspect of my personality that needed him. Without it, I still love him in a way, but I don't need him. And if I don't need him, there's no reason for me to prioritize him when I have so much fucking work to do. I contemplated leaving. I contemplated saying something. But, for what? I don't know when I fell asleep.

Anyway, tomorrow is BigSis' baby shower. I spent waaaay too much money on her presents-- money I don't really have. I was just excited to buy things for my niece.

Have to run now. Heading to AA on the Upper West...

=h=

...docendo discimus...

I've been working my ass off this week. Somehow I feel as if I've just awakened from a long sleep and have realized how much work there is to do! This Intellectual History course is still monopolizing my life. I need to find time to get those last incompletes done and start prepping for my orals.

I talked to Hammer on the phone yesterday. It seems that she's having a fun and productive research summer in Paris. I miss her over here though...

On Friday, Narc and I ate at Sabarsky. On Saturday I went to NJ for my friend's baby shower and got into a fight with my sisters and my mom. It led to a mini-breakdown and a lot of tears on Saturday night, but it was ultimately cathartic-- a good, healthy cry that I apparently needed. I stayed over Narc's that night and we went to the movies the next day. We grocery shopped at Whole Foods. I'm still feeling "out of love" with him. It's freaky. My fingers are crossed that it sticks. How liberating that would be...!

And since then, I've just been working... I bought some new clothes on Monday. I had dinner with Anxious last night. B found out that he's having a girl. BigSis' baby shower is this coming Saturday.

I think I like my new haircut after all. I feel like a different person-- a scholar, a woman, worldly somehow... Or just a New York City grad student. I kind of like it.

Hmmm...

"You love until you don't"

Well, life is just rolling along. (As is my CD transfer... I'm now about to do Wagner's entire Ring cycle...)

Yesterday in class, a really annoying student kept trying to argue with me that Nietzsche was an anti-Semite.

Tonight Narc and I are going to hear Britta Phillips in concert at the Zipper Factory. I'm excited because she did the voice of "Jem" in Jem & the Holograms. I'm not familiar with her stuff otherwise. Narc got us the tickets a few weeks ago.

Things with Narc are weird. He hasn't had a drink in a few weeks and I feel like things have gotten routine between us because of it. It's not exactly passion-less, but it kind of is. How the hell did that happen? I keep thinking of that Regina Spektor song-- "You love until you don't." Maybe it's as simple as that. He's having a lot of post-acute withdrawal symptoms and actually acknowledged that he's feeling it.

Yesterday we went to go see the Batman movie in IMAX in the morning. Afterwards, after his doctor appointment, we ate lunch in the West Village. For some reason, I found myself being passive aggressive and bringing up things that happened three years ago. When I realized what I was doing, I apologized for it.

"I don't mean to be dragging up unpleasant things from the past," I said. "I guess I just have really unresolved feelings about it."

"I don't even remember any of that," he said nonchalantly. "It must have effected you a lot more than it effected me. So sensitive, Hyde!"

He said it in a way that was meant to diminish what I felt.

"Sensitive? I don't think so," I said. "I practically had to numb myself out to put up with all of it. In fact, I had very little emotional reaction given the massive amount of emotional pain that I was in."

The subject of the Exhibitionist came up.

"Being mad at her is like being mad about a discarded napkin," he said. "She's nothing..."

"I'm not mad at her," I said. "I'm mad at you, I guess. I think I'm just really mad at you. I was in a lot of pain. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it."

He didn't answer, but looked uncomfortable.

"There's no point in doing this right now, though," I said. "I'm just sorry if I was being passive aggressive."

I don't know why I am starting to feel things only now. I don't know why I don't feel passion for him right now. I don't know what to make of any of it, except that "you love until you don't."

Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we're supposed to get lunch at the Cafe Sabarsky. Hammer and I had always said we would eat there together, but I doubt that's ever going to happen at this point. I haven't talked to her in months.

This weekend I have another baby shower to attend and then I'm off to Stonybrook for GoldenFinch's 30th birthday.

As for this afternoon, I have to go make some photocopies and then teach a class on late-19th century sociology before the concert.

So... I'm off to keep rolling...

-h-

Monumental

I've started the somewhat monumental task of transferring my CD collection onto iTunes. Obviously, I had already done this in part, as every time I cared to hear a particular CD I would load it into the computer. But I never before undertook the entire project.

I must have at least 400 CD's. They take up a lot of shelf space. I want them out of my apartment. I'm trying to unclutter the place and get some better energy flowing.

So far, I've been working on the transfer for about a week-- every time I sit down to write a lesson plan, I try to copy a few CD's. I just finished my lesson on Social Darwinism and 19th century racism. I am listening to some Johnny Cash right now. I own nine Johnny Cash albums and haven't heard any of them in a long time. Some of the songs are so simple... so beautiful. Others make me laugh and think of AIR7 and of spring break in New Orleans a long time ago...

Yes... that was a long time ago.

love,
h

The Beach Bum

I'm still here... apparently just a lot less inspired to blog. I've been busy... I spent most of the week that I last posted with Narc. We went grocery shopping at the new "Whole Foods" that opened in Tribeca and experimented with his George Foreman grill. I ended up seeing the Exhibitionist again later that weekend again. She "dropped by" his place while I was there, going on and on about how she had just broken up with her 50-something, rich, producer boyfriend.

"I blew it!" she said. "The huge loft apartment, the shopping, the trips..."

Then she and Narc went on a bit about how in your 20's, women have all the power but once you're in your 30's and beyond, men have all the power. And what are relationships? An exchange of sex for cash. I hate when Narc gets into that line of thinking, and I usually argue with him. But with the Exhibitionist, I see where he gets it. She IS like that. I just kept my mouth shut for the most part and tried not to puke.

That weekend I went to Long Island on Saturday for my cousin's 1-year-old birthday party and then came back to the city to attend a pre-Bastille Day party hosted by my friend NV. NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika were there. NDN was trying very hard to make some new friends.

(The "e" is sticking on my laptop as I'm trying to write this and it's realllly annoying!)

Anyway, I continued to spend nearly all my free time with Narc until Tuesday when his ex-girlfriend arrived from New Orleans. I have been feeling very lonely and existentially out of sorts lately. Of all people, I called Narc to talk about it on Sunday night.

"I think I just want a boyfriend," I told him.

I don't know why I went to him. Maybe I feel like there's no one else there sometimes.

On Wednesday I chopped off my hair. It was really damaged and I've been avoiding this moment for as long as possible, but in the end, if I want my healthy thick long hair back, I have to retire my flat-iron and start over. I still can't quite get used to it, but whatever...

For most of the week, I slaved away writing lectures for my class. On Thursday I was on my way to the school where I used to teach to clean out my office, when I got a phone call. It was a guy from AA who has a crush on me. I picked up on that a few months ago, but we've only had a few conversations. Once he sent me a really cute text that I looked "pretty" at a meeting. It turns out he's taking a class at the same college where I'm teaching this summer. We're both there at the same time on most weeknights. He asked if I wanted to get coffee or dinner after class.

"Sure!" I said.

But when we hung up, I thought about how nervous he had sounded on the phone and realized that it was probably a date.

It was... But I tried to keep it casual by suggesting a diner and immediately grabbing the tab to pay half. We didn't have that much to talk about until we got on the subject of our old-ways. He told me about all of the psychedelic drugs he did. Anyway, afterwards, we awkwardly parted ways on the street corner. I know you're probably thinking that I should give this guy a chance, but I'm not attracted to him... at least not right now.

Narc had sent me a text that his ex was going to stay with some other friends that night. He asked if I wanted to come down (and bring him Mint Milano cookies!). I went over there.

While I was on the phone with my mom trying to arrange a train-pickup for the next day, someone beeped into my phone on call waiting. It was the guy with whom I had been on the date/non-date.

"What's up?"

"Um... I just wanted to call to tell you something," he said.

"What?"

"Well... um... I was thinking and... Well... I really should have paid the whole bill. I mean, I regret that I didn't do that; I mean, I don't know why I didn't do that..."

I felt really bad at that point, for whatever part I was playing in all this.

"Don't worry about it!" I said, continuing the confusion for him. "It's not a big deal. I had fun. I'll talk to you later."

Basically, I got through that conversation ASAP.

As for this weekend-- I went to the beach every day.

On Friday I went out to Long Island with my mom and LilSis. We went to ToBay and ate crab cakes and I started reading Anna Karenina. I absolutely love it. Liu promised I would. Why, on Earth, haven't I read it before now???

On the train back to the city, I was completely overwhelmed by the crowds headed to the Billy Joel concert. I have been so sick of the crowds in this city lately... too many people! I feel like my old irritable self, when I used to go around quoting "No Exit" and stepping on people's toes. I think it may be because I've hardly been going to meetings since this new class started. I mean, don't get me wrong-- I absolutely love New York. But even the best of friends can sometimes be on bad terms.

I went right to AA from the train, still full of beach grime, only stopping for some Pinkberry and to pick up some corn on the cob for my friend Drew's barbecue after the meeting. The guy with whom I had the date was there, and I said hello to him, but after that we barely said two words.

Drew is house-sitting for her boss' friend-- an absolutely awesome triplex on the Upper West Side. There was a little backyard, bohemian floor tiles, two enormous cats and a Scottish Terrier-- supposedly the brother of George Bush's dog. StarGazer came with her boyfriend, and it was nice to finally get to meet him. Pixie was there too, and a number of new girls, many of whom are counting days.

I left there sometime after midnight. TT had texted me that he was at Cheers, so I decided to poke my head in. On my way out of the cab, I encountered a drunk guy and two girls waiting to get in. It was none other than KHill. Weird. I said hi to him and he nearly didn't recognize me. ThursdayGirl was there and was raving about how good I look. (New haircut and all!) I have to say-- it feels good to go back to a place where I was rock bottom and so fucking crazy and to have them acknowledge the change. Somehow it makes the enormity of it all so much more real to me.

I stayed out that night until after 3:00 AM and on Saturday got up to head out to Brighton Beach to meet Anxious, who is back in town for the summer. (In case you forgot, about six months ago, she moved to LA to do a PhD program in Spanish language and lit). NDN and Tamika stopped by in the morning and brought me a coffee.

The train took a while to get all the way out to Brighton Beach and the crowds were thick. I hated all the people around me again. Plus it was so fucking hot out!! But once I got there and felt the breeze off the water, and heard the rhythm of the sea, it was all OK.

Anxious and BulgarianGuy and I ate lunch on the boardwalk before he took off and we moved down onto the sand. I tried to take a dip in the water, but I saw some jellyfish and got scared. Mostly, we just sat on the beach and talked and talked. We've been friends for over ten years. I sometimes forget how good it feels just to talk to someone who knows you without having to explain anything.

On Saturday night, I went straight from the beach to Benihana in Midtown for my friend AGrub's birthday dinner. AGrub is really BigSis' friend, so she and Bro-in-Law were there. (So was her friend, English, who I haven't seen in a while). BigSis is really starting to get big with her pregnancy. I'm so excited for my niece!!

On our way out of the restaurant a somewhat drunk and slightly belligerent Tracy Morgan bumped into us on his way in. That was kind of strange...

In any case, I went home to shower and change after that. And at around 12:45 AM, I went back out to meet NDN and Tamika who were at a party for her friend at a nearby bar. The crowds outside the bar were really annoying though. The line to get in was long and the people were drunk. I didn't want to be there, so I just left.

I was feeling restless though, and really irritable. I had gotten dressed to go out and so I wanted to go out and do something, but I didn't want to deal with the crowds at that bar. I started to walk home and passed by "Overlook." So... I decided to go in. In retrospect, it really wasn't a "sober" decision-- especially since I was feeling so moody and disconnected. But that's the very reason why I felt driven away from going home and being cozy. In any case, I didn't want to sit at the bar surrounded by alcohol and people. I don't know what I wanted-- I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't stand people either.

So... I got a diet coke and took it to a booth in the back of the bar near the pool table. Then I just sipped it and mulled... sipped it and mulled... I was brooding, I guess you could say.

It wasn't long before a really cute, smiling guy found me and asked why I was sitting alone. I started to chat with him. He's from Holland and works for some big bank. His company sent him here for a few months. His companions at the pool table were both Belgian. We probably talked for about 45 minutes before he asked for my number. I didn't feel like myself. I kind of wanted to punch someone in the face. But, I tried to act sane and smiled and gave him my number. I probably won't pick up if he calls.

At around 2:30 AM I excused myself and went home.

This morning I woke up and watched a few episodes of "The Sopranos" (I'm in Season 5) before heading back out into the heat wave and back onto the subway to meet Pixie and a new AA, "Laurie" at Coney Island. More beach time!! I read my book the whole way there on the train and was happy in a simple sort of way. Overall, I had a great day. I'm so glad I went. The sand felt good between my toes, and in the same way it was great to talk to Anxious--an old friend-- it was great to have moments of discovery with these newer friends. After a few hours of surf and sand, we grabbed a slice of pizza and got onto the subway.

I got out at Union Square, said goodbye to the girls and bought Narc a piece of lapis lazuli at one of the flea market stands there. Then I came home, ate my leftover Benihana for dinner and answered some emails. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight and wake up early tomorrow to get some work done.

So... I'm kind of caught up on my blogging now, right?

Hope you're all well out there!!

lots of love,
h

Working (it) Out

Oh, man! I'm exhausted!! I just started teaching a new class yesterday and it is working me to the bone. I posted my syllabus, as that's pretty much all I've been thinking about this week.

Last week was a tough one. I went through a lot of different emotions, went to a few Al-Anon meetings, was weepy and depressed, skipped out on my camping trip, and fostered resentments at everyone. All the while, I spent every free minute with Narc. He bought "Rock Band" and we made a band called "Ultramarine."

I think that this week, doing work and thinking about ideas are good for me. It makes me "me." I've also been doing a lot of yoga. (Well, not exactly a lot, but at least a lot more...)

Last night Narc and I watched the "Glitter and Gold" episode of Jem and the Holograms. I was entirely shocked to realize that I had whole chunks of dialogue memorized. How could I have retained it from only watching it one time, twenty years ago??

Who knows...

Oh-- I have a little story. The other day as I was arriving at Narc's I saw the Exhibitionist on my way out.

"Exhibitionist!" I called out to her.

She looked really confused.

"I'm Hyde... Narc's friend? How are you?"

"Oh! Oh my god! You lost so much weight!" she said. "You look great."

"Er, um... thanks."

"Not that you looked bad before, but..."

"Yeah, I guess I've been trying to get healthy."

She just kept looking at me as though she were shocked and still off guard. After that we exchanged a few words about Narc, about his health, about the last time he was in the hospital compared to this time, about his new acquisition of Rock Band. It was kind of an awkward conversation. It was also very clear that I had spent a lot of time with him. She hadn't seen him in months.

"Wow, you look great," she repeated several more times, seemingly startled, before taking her leave of me.

When I got upstairs, I told Narc that I had bumped into her. I think he had hoped we would miss each other. I told him about our conversation. A few minutes later, Narc got a text.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said.

"What did she say?"

"Probably just wants to tell me she bumped into you."

When he opened the text, he wouldn't let me read it.

"What did she say???"

"It's nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"No, really! Tell me!"

It took a little more convincing, but he ultimately showed me the text.

Just bumped into Hyde, she wrote. She looks great. Lost a lot of weight. You should marry that one. She loves you!

Narc was embarrassed, I think, but I just laughed. I don't want to marry him. And I hate her shallow world and her shallow values, that somehow NOW I'm marriage material for him, whereas I wasn't when I weighed more. At the same time, I couldn't help but find myself secretly pleased and feeling somehow vindicated by her comment. And I didn't like that in myself. I don't know what that feeling was all about.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more right now. I only wanted to stop by because I miss blogging (sort of) and I wish I had more of an impulse to write right now. I guess I'm just going through something else at the moment-- something that doesn't want to be sorted out on paper. (Or, more precisely... on the computer).

love,
h

My Syllabus

HIST 3222:
EUROPEAN INTELLECTUAL HISTORY:
THE ENLIGHTENMENT TO THE PRESENT

Course Description:

This course will introduce students to significant texts, thinkers and the primary themes of Modern European Intellectual History. We will approach ideas as a reflection of specific historical contexts, rooting them in social, political, cultural, artistic and economic movements. Beginning with the roots of modern thought in the Scientific Revolution and the Enlightenment, we will trace the relationship between “Scientific Rationalism” and “anti-Rationalist” thought throughout the 19th and 20th centuries before ending with a discussion of major late 20th century intellectual movements.

SCHEDULE OF CLASSES:

UNIT ONE: ENLIGHTENMENT ROMANTICISM & REVOLUTION

Tuesday, July 8th: Introduction to the Course

Lecture on: The Scientific Revolution and the Age of Reason

Required Readings:
Pgs. 3-14: Introduction to Intellectual History, Methodology and Interpretation
Pgs. 249-257: On the Scientific Revolution

Optional readings:
Primary Sources:
Roger Cotes, Preface to Sir Isaac Newton’s “Principia” (pg. 237)
Rene Descartes, The Principles of Philosophy (pg. 315)
John Locke, Essay Concerning Human Understanding (pg. 329)
Sir Joshua Reynolds, Discourses on Painting (pg. 381)

Wednesday, July 9th: The Fall of the Ancien Regime: Political Theory and Revolution

Readings:
Pgs. 357-363: On the Enlightenment

Primary Sources: Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan (pg. 337)
John Locke, Second Treatise on Government
Immanuel Kant: What is Enlightenment?
Baron de Montesquieu, Spirit of the Laws (pg. 414)
Jean Jacques Rousseau, The Social Contract (pg. 419)
Abbé de Sièyes, What is the Third Estate?


Thursday, July 10th: Romanticism

Readings:
Overview of Kant's Aesthetic Theory

Primary Sources:
Madame de Stäel, Germany (pg. 460)
William Blake, Annotations to Sir Joshua Reynolds’ “Discourses” (pg. 474)
Johann Goethe: Faust (excerpts)
William Wordsworth: Tintern Abbey
Images of Romanticism in Painting


UNIT TWO: THE RATIONAL 19th CENTURY


Tuesday, July 15th: Industrial Change and 19th Century Political Ideologies

Readings:
Pgs. 451-460: On “The Century of Becoming”

Primary Sources:
Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations (pg. 433)
Edmund Burke, Reflections on the Revolution in France (pg. 475)
Joseph DeMaistre, The Divine Origins of Constitutions
Jeremy Bentham, On the Principle of Utility (pg. 487)
Robert Owen, The New Moral Order (pg. 501)
Giusseppi Mazzini, On the Duties of Man (pg. 539)


Wednesday, July 16th: Hegel, Marx and the Idea of History

Readings:
Primary Sources:
GWF Hegel: The Dialectic of History
Karl Marx, On Man and History (pg. 528)
Friedrich Engels: The Condition of the Working Class in England in 1844
Herr Eugen Dühring’s Revolution in Science (pg. 534)
Marx & Engels, The Communist Manifesto


Thursday, July 17th: The Idea of Progress: Positivism & Realism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Samuel Smiles, Self-Help (pg. 494)
Herbert Spencer, Social Statics (pg. 499)
Auguste Comte, The Positive Philosophy (pg. 506)
A General View of Positivism
Claude Bernard, Introduction to the Study of Experimental Medicine (pg. 514)
Emile Zola, The Experimental Novel (pg. 519)
The Paintings of Gustav Courbet


UNIT THREE: THE “IRRATIONAL” 19TH CENTURY


Tuesday, July 22nd: Imperialism, Nationalism & Social Darwinism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species and The Descent of Man (pg. 546)
Karl Pearson, National Life from the Standpoint of Science (pg. 576)
Heinrich von Treitschke, Politics (pg. 580)
Houston Stewart Chamberlain, Foundations of the 19th Century (pg. 586)
Joseph Conrad: The Heart of Darkness
Rudyard Kipling, The White Man’s Burden
Pears Soap Advertisement I
Pears Soap Advertisement II
Pears Soap Advertisement III

Wednesday, July 23rd: The Crisis of Faith: Nietzsche & the “Death of God”

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Friedrich Nietzsche, On the Death of God (pg. 590)
The Gay Science
Thus Spake Zarathustra
The Genealogy of Morals
Ernst Haeckel, The Riddle of the Universe (pg. 563)
Wilhelm Dilthey, On Historical Relativism (pg. 595)
Alfred Fouillée, The Reaction Against Positivism (pg.598)


Thursday, July 24th: Mass Politics and 19th Century Sociology

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Gustave le Bon, The Crowd Man (pg. 603)
Graham Wallas, Nature in Politics (pg. 607)
Doestoevsky: Notes From Underground
Part I: Underground, chapter 1
Part II: A Propos of the Wet Snow, chapter 1
Georg Simmel: The Metropolis and Mental Life
Emil Durkheim: The Elementary Forms of Religious Life (Introduction)
Max Weber: TBA


UNIT FOUR: MODERNISM

Tuesday, July 29th: Psychology and the Modern Consciousness

Readings:
Pgs. 623-634: On “The Age of Anxiety”

Primary Sources:
Sigmund Freud, Various Selections (pg. 690)
Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents (pg. 695)
Carl Jung, On the Collective Unconscious, (pg. 698)
Philipp Frank, On The Crisis and Science and Logical Positivism (pg. 664)
Franz Kafka: The Metamorphosis, chapter 1
Bertrand Russell: Philosophic Consequences of Relativity


Wednesday, July 30th: The First World War, Modernism & the Arts

Readings:
Primary Sources:
F.T. Marinetti: The Futurist Manifesto
Wassily Kandinsky: Concerning the Spiritual in Art, conclusion
A Surrealist Manifesto: The Declaration of January 27, 1925
Siegfried Sassoon: Attack
T.S. Eliot: The Wasteland
Ernst Friedrich: War Against War (look through images)
WWI Poster


Thursday, July 31st: Politics in the Interwar Era

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Vladimir Lenin: What is to be Done? (pg. 705)
Vladimir Lenin: On Socialism and Religion and On Ethics (pg. 709-710)
Alfredo Rocco: On the Political Doctrine of Fascism (pg. 718)
Benito Mussolini: The Doctrine of Fascism (pg. 724)
Adolph Hitler: Mein Kampf (pg. 728)
Alfred Rosenberg: The Myth of the 20th Century (pg. 729)


UNIT FIVE: WORLD WAR II & THE POSTWAR WORLD

Tuesday, August 5th: Existentialism and Cultural Pessimism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Jean Paul Sartre: Existentialism (pg. 657)
Søren Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling
Karl Jaspers: Way to Wisdom (pg. 661)
C. Virgil Gheorghiu: The Twenty-Fifth Hour (pg. 760)
Martin Heidegger: Existence and Being
Albert Camus: The Absurd Man


Wednesday, August 6th: Postwar Politics and Ethics

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Judge Charles E. Wyzanski, Jr.: Nuremberg in Retrospect
Hannah Arendt: The Origins of Totalitarianism
The UNESCO Questionnaire on Ideological Conflicts Concerning Democracy T(pg. 732)
Winston Churchill: On the Congress of Europe (pg. 737)


Thursday, August 7th: De-Colonization and Revolution

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Franz Fanon, The Wretched of the Earth
Black Skin, White Masks (handout)
Albert Memmi, The Colonizer and the Colonized (handout)
Arthur Koestler: Conversion to Communism (pg. 743)
Jean Paul Sartre: Materialism and Revolution (pg. 746)
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex
Leon Trotsky, The Permanent Revolution


UNIT SIX: POSTMODERN THOUGHT

Tuesday, August 12th: What is Post-modernism?

Readings: TBA

Wednesday, August 13th: Post-structuralism & Critical Theory

Readings: TBA

Thursday, August 14th: FINAL EXAM

Ad vitam paramus

I've had no time to blog lately. I still don't have time. Come to think of it-- I've never really had time. But it seems, right now, like there are not very many places to go with this. I'm a jumble of thoughts, a jumble of feelings, a jumble of jumble. Jumble.

Narc is in the hospital. Again. He was admitted five days ago. On Thursday we had plans to see a midnight showing of "Wall-E." He texted me at around 9:30 that he was having a very bad panic attack. He had a similar attack when I was in Texas-- the day after he was out partying himself into oblivion for CouchSleeper's birthday. Apparently he called LAGirl to help him out when I was away and she didn't get back to him for four days. He says he hates her now-- that she is just as duplicitous as all of the other women. Molded in the PopStar mold. It upsets me that it upsets him that much. He cares more than I'd like him to.

In any case, his friend Steve was with him at Cercle Rouge on Thursday when the "panic attack" began. They called 911, given the fact that he had life-threatening pulmonary embolisms a year and a half ago. When I got there, the EMTs had already arrived. Narc was hooked up to an oxygen mask. He said he couldn't feel anything in his arms or hands. Steve and I rode with him to the hospital.

Steve left at around midnight. Narc was set up in the ER and I stayed with him. There was a lot of drama there that night-- a few belligerent drunks making a scene, a couple who had been jumped on the F-train, a homeless guy who was demanding that a pair of shoes be returned to him, a girl who fell off a ladder... I stayed by his side, waiting while they ran all sorts of tests. At around 3:30 AM they came back with the results of his CT scan. He had clotting in his lungs again. The panic attacks were not panic attacks after all-- rather they were a response to a lack of oxygen passing through his lungs and an increased strain on his heart. They wanted to admit him.

Narc and I were both starving (as we were meeting for a dinner which had never been consumed) and now that he was being checked into the hospital, he wanted all sorts of things-- his laptop, a change of clothes, some books and DVDs. I dashed down to his place, picked everything up, got us some food at the deli and made it back to the ER by 4:00 AM. I stayed until around 5:00 when I finally sneaked in some sleep back at home. The next morning I brought him brunch. He was still in the ER. I spent most of the day there. I had to leave to go to LilSis' birthday party at Bartini. I wore a pink sequined shirt that reminds me of "Jem & the Hollograms."

By Saturday Narc had his own room. I brought him some food and spent a few hours there in the morning. Then I had to head out to Long Island. My stepbrother is now 21 and has graduated from all state-funded education. But, given the extent of the brain damage that he suffered and his physical disabilities, he still needs to be in some sort of program. My parents found one that does theater with disabled young adults-- people with all sorts of neurological disorders, etc. They performed "Guys and Dolls" this year and we all went to see the show. I have never seen anything more inspiring or life-affirming. I was in tears at many moments. I just don't have the words right now to really convey what it meant to me. But I was filled with a sense of "spirit" and the triumph of "life-force" over adversity.

Anyway, we all went out to eat at Benihana for a second round of birthday celebrations for LilSis before I headed back to the city. On the taxi line at Penn Station, I bumped into my stepsisters-- Jewel and Toots. I rarely ever see them anymore, as the bad blood is mounting between their mother and my mother and LilSis has even gotten involved in all that. It's bad... really bad. I try to stay out of it. (Although I once wrote about it here). They were excited to see me and happened to be going to a bar just a few blocks from where I live. I told them that I'd try to stop by. But when I called my mom on my way home and mentioned the plan to her, she made me feel guilty about it. My family has a sort of "mafioso loyalty," that might also be referred to as intense "enmeshment." I caved in to it and didn't meet my stepsisters, but it gave me a little resentment against my mom. I still have to sort all of that out.

On Sunday I went back to spend the afternoon with Narc. From his window at St. Vincent's we could see the hustle and bustle of the Gay Pride Parade in the West Village. I left there at around 4:00 to meet Cherubino at Union Square, but went back to the hospital at around 6:30 PM. When I got back, CouchSleeper and Narc's friend Monika were there-- the girl he bought a horse for back in February. I felt a little awkward with her, but totally comfortable with Couchy, so it was alright. Anyway, they both left by 8:00 and I stayed with him until around 9:00 PM.

This morning I went back to the hospital again, after making a pit stop at his apartment to pick up some more things for him. I brought him a sandwich from Subway as per his request. I have been running around for him like a chicken with her head cut off and I have very mixed feelings about doing it. On the one hand, I want to scream-- "You couldn't even invite me to your birthday party, yet I'm taking your food orders every day and going to your apartment on demand!" On the other hand, I love him and he's my friend and he's sick and I love being able to be there for him. There's a part of me that just delights in rising to the occasion when I'm asked to be a martyr. But I'm feeling a lot of strain and a lot of anxiety. I'm not sleeping very well. Even when I do sleep, I seem to wake still tired.

I'm worried about his drinking-- I'm worried that he won't stop and that he'll just get sick on the Coumadin if he drinks on it. Or that he'll stop taking the medication so that he can drink and then he'll suddenly die. Or I'm worried that he'll stop drinking and then our relationship will end because he'll change. I know that's a sick and crazy thought (and a selfish one!) but it's not a real "thought"-- it's more like a fear. I am sick and full of fear. The night that he was in the ER, he said that he might have a problem with alcohol. He even said: "Maybe I should read that book of yours one of these days." But in the morning, that seemed to have gone away. He insisted that a lifetime of Coumadin was probably just a scam for the doctors to earn money for the drug companies. I think he is scared too. His liver enzymes are up. I wonder what the numbers are. I wonder if they are as bad as mine were.

Tomorrow B is leaving town for about five weeks. I haven't seen or heard from Bezoukhoff in about a month either. I am so grateful to have my family, to have my sponsor and to have my sponsee. But so much is changing and so fast.

I went to yoga today with my friend Drew from AA. I haven't been in a while. It felt like those muscles were just breathing, just awakening for the first time. There was a burn of newness about the whole thing. In some ways I feel like that about my whole life-- that I'm just opening my eyes to the world-- that the oxygen is just now first hitting my lungs. The light is bright and I'm uncomfortable. I think I need to go to Al-anon but I don't want to find time for the meeting because I want to stay available to sit all day in the hospital with Narc. I haven't gotten any work done and I start teaching next week. I'm SO unprepared!! I was supposed to go camping this weekend but I don't want to go because I don't want to be out of reach.

"Of course you should go," he shrugs as if it doesn't matter-- as if he doesn't need me at all.

So many lies. There are so many lies in the way that I live my life.

I don't want to go because I desperately want things calm around here. I desperately crave routine. Only, I don't know how to carve one out for myself. I want to organize my apartment. I want to have quiet dinners. I want a stable boy. I want to enjoy my work.

I'm starting to feel very stressed out, just in the process of writing this post. I think that's why I've been blogging less. I need to walk away from the computer right now. I think I want to go watch some television.

Hope you are all well out there.

lots of love,
h

Oh-- by the way-- I got that job I interviewed for last week. Hooray for me.

The Lone-Star State

Today I am grateful for the most delicious apricot spread from le Pain Quotidienne. Yum, Yum, Yum!! As I type, I have a "hair mask" of conditioner on my head and "Interview with a Vampire" is on TV. I used to love this movie; now it is hopelessly hokey.

Anyway, I had a great time in Texas. My first night there, (after a brief trip to an enormous supermarket!) Liu took me out for Tex Mex, which she insisted was different from any Mexican food to be found in New York City. She is very particular about her tortillas. We went out with a friend of hers from work and a bunch of his friends. They took us around to some of the gay bars in Houston. We met a strange guy named Peter (a straight guy who just happens to spend his time on the gay circuit). He told us all about his forays into ultimate fighting. Liu's friend Matthew became very confessional to me. A lot of interesting things happened. Suffice it to say, it was a strange night overall, but good to be back out on the town with Liu just like the old days!

On Thursday, Liu's friend D came over and the three of us sang for a few hours. D is one of Liu's oldest friends. I've heard a lot about her over the years, but had never had the chance to meet her. We did our best to sightread some strangely arranged SSA trios before it was time to go out for the evening. Whereas we had gone into the city on Wednesday night, on Thursday is was time for the country bars!

Our first destination was "Big Texas," a dance hall and saloon. I was very happy to be able to smoke inside and quickly commenced to chain smoke for the rest of the evening. (Again-- just like the old days!). The place was pretty empty. There were a few bands playing. I liked one of the singers. (He pointed to me from the stage and later gave me a free t-shirt). At one point, some cowboy came up to the three of us, hoping for a dance. We all three insisted that we didn't know how to two-step, but he kept saying that he could teach us. Finally, due to the fact that this was basically a one-time experience for me, I agreed. The dance floor was circular-- like a running track and we made our way around it a few times. When we tired of that place, we headed over to "Tumbleweeds," a much more happening saloon. There, the dance floor was jam packed and we didn't dare try to break in to all that. Instead, we parked ourselves at a little table near to the dance floor to watch everything that was going on. It was a dangerous spot to be in-- three girls with no men. We had to fend off the suitors who viciously and persistently were upon us. Most of them couldn't take "no" for an answer. There were beer bottles and cowboy hats everywhere. Finally, we moved to a more remote part of the bar, hoping to stay out of the line of fire. Despite the pestering men, I had a great time. One of them told me that I looked like a "yankee." I doubt it though-- he only said that after I told him I was from NY.

On Friday it was off to Galveston. It was a really interesting town. In some ways it felt like the Jersey shore. But there was a whole other side to it-- a historic district with gorgeous old mansions. We parked and got ice cream and poked around a store called "the Golden Mermaid." Then we headed over to tour some of the big houses-- first "Bishop's Palace," built by the Greshem family and then "Ashton Villa" built by the Browns. It was eerily fascinating to hear about the lives of these people and to imagine their social world and their time-- all before the big hurricane of 1900-- a hurricane that killed 8,000 people and ended Galveston's day in the sun. After that, the town basically went into decline. One of the most interesting characters we encountered was "Bettie Brown." Liu had a few more details about her, as she had taken those tours before. I definitely want to learn more about it all.

After touring the houses, we got a bite to eat at a little seafood joint near the seawall and then we headed over to East Beach to lounge around on the gulf. Pelicans swooped down into the sea and jumping fish hopped up over the quiet waves. I've started reading Ulysses and made my way through a few more pages. All three of us waded out in the water, as far as we dare go.

On Saturday Liu and I lounged around, chatted all day and watched Nights of Cabiria. I loved it and can still hear Cabiria crying "Wanda!" in my head. That night, she got tickets for us, her friend Joey and her boyfriend (the Cowboy, in case you forgot!) to go see Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors Tour." It was a great show, including not only Cyndi, but Joan Jett and the B-52's and Andy Bell from Erasure. We sat outside on a huge lawn overlooking an amphitheater.

On Sunday, Liu and I just hung out some more, watching dvd's of Madonna's "Drowned" tour, and excerpts from the Zeferelli Traviata and parts of Aida. I got to make my amends to her and we had a really good chat about the way things were and the way things have changed. Then she took me to the airport.

I have more to say about what's been happening on the Narc front, but I think I'll leave that for a separate post. There were also some difficult things that happened-- my sponsee had a little emotional crisis while I was gone and Bro-in-Law's cousin passed away from cancer. But, I don't want to get overly analytical-- not even about the trip to Texas. This post will stay about friendship and getting out of the city and experiencing new things.

I have to say-- going anywhere else always reminds me that I am indelibly a New Yorker right through to the bone!

love,
h

PS: I have an interview in the morning for a teaching job at a great school for Spring 2009. Wish me luck!!

To Texas!

Things are a little all over the place right now. Feel like I'm in the midst of a giant mental transition. Weird week with Narc, weird week with seeing babies/pregnant people everywhere.

Weird, weird, weird.

I'm off to Texas tomorrow to visit Liu. I'm feeling more and more like a fish out of water whenever I leave the island of Manhattan. We'll see how I handle Houston.

Hope you are all well out there...!

love,
h

The Great Back-and-Forth

Sorry for causing your withdrawal, Shorty! That has certainly not been the intention of my absence. It has been helpful for me not to obsess over every little detail of every Narc-interaction by writing it all down here. That said, I miss blogging when I stay away...

Anyway, a lot has been going on. For starters, Bezoukhoff proposed to a girl he's only been dating for a few weeks. I think I'll call her "Medici." I asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do.

"We just click," he said.

God bless him for that!

Things with Narc have been up and down as always. He basically disappeared a few weeks ago-- we went from seeing each other on a semi-daily basis to not seeing each other at all. I think I mentioned that in my last post, as it had already started then. I texted him a few times telling him that I missed him in a "casual" way, and he responded in an equally casual way with something to the effect of: am sure will see you soon, hon!

In any case, the more days that passed, the more anxious I felt. I ended up seeing him on Friday, May 30th and I found out that he had met some new girl (and went on a date with her?)-- a friend of his friend-- and that he was playing phone tag with her all week, while avoiding me. This information made me sick to my stomach, but in a numb way. Who the fuck knows where I emotionally store this stuff at this point... I stayed over his place that night, but didn't talk to him for the next few days after that. On Saturday I went to Bro-in-Law's 30th birthday party and on Sunday I hung out with StarGazer at her apartment for a while and then went to a party at Medici's place in Astoria.

On Monday, Anxious was in town and we met for lunch at Bloomingdale's. I bought a new perfume-- "Bronze Goddess" and I am now obsessed with it. I also bought a bronzer for summer. I'm pretty pale and usually go for wintry looks, so we'll see if I can pull it off.

I sent Narc a text that afternoon:
Is something going on with you???

He wrote back an hour or so later:
Working hon! Weren't you the one who said "with this offer, why aren't you spending every moment on your script...?" Looking to finish this week then. Call soon.

So, I replied:
I'm glad that you're working. I just have the feeling that something else is going on with you. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get out of this...

Trying to get my life together, finally! Surely you know the feeling, he said.

I didn't respond.

On Tuesday after AA, I had dinner with my friend NV. He marveled at the fact that I am still seeing Narc and we had a long talk about it. I really felt my feet at the edge of an enormous cliff, about to take the leap. After what happened with his birthday, not even I can pretend that we have any shot at any sort of future. Still, I feel immobilized and full of fear. NV suggested that I make some lists-- what are some good things that Narc has done for me and what are some bad thing that he's done. Why should I stay with him, and why shouldn't I? I came home and made the lists and nearly posted them here on this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't click "publish post."

I called my mom later that night and told her that I am lonely. I am. I want a companion and Narc is never going to be that person for me. I was feeling abandoned, but strange. The world seemed to expand in size with each passing day that I didn't hear from him.

On Wednesday I had plans to meet up with B before my voice lesson. He was going to come with me to my lesson and then the two of us were heading over to a "Summer Sing"-- an impromptu singing of the Brahms Requiem. I have a new cell phone and fumbled when it rang on Wednesday afternoon, inadvertently answering it, before I could see who it was that was calling. I was mildly shocked to hear Narc's voice on the other end of the line after his prolonged absence.

"It's been a little while," he said.

"Yeah."

I felt and sounded like a robot.

"Well, I'm not doing anything today," he said. "I'm just lounging around down here, so..."

("So...? So, what?" I wanted to ask. "So... come suck your dick?")

"I'm busy this afternoon," I said. "I'm going to my voice lesson and then to some choral thing with B. I can't hang out."

"Oh, well, no problem, hon! Just give me a call when you're done with all that."

"Yeah... okay, whatever."

I felt unsettled and scared and pissed at myself and pissed at him when I hung up the phone. I headed over to my voice lesson even so. My sponsee called while I was in the cab and being of service to her really helped me take my mind off of my own self-obsession.

I had a decent lesson and B and I had fun at the Brahms rehearsal. A lot of people came over to talk to me at the break and then at the end of the run-through because I stood out as a skilled singer. B seemed annoyed when some guy was talking to me at the end and rudely interrupted us by waving his arms. That prompted a mini-spat between me and B, but it blew over. I was just trying to reach out and make conversation with new people mostly because my mom had told me that if I felt lonely I should try to have a more open energy and talk to everyone I meet.

When I got home that night, I sent Narc a text-- only because he was expecting me to call.

Just back home, but think I'm in for the night...

It took him a little while to respond.

As you like hon. Talk in a bit, he said.

That made me crazy. It made me anxious. I don't know why, but this is clearly the crux of my sickness when it comes to him. I couldn't bear it. So, I wrote back again.

unless you feel like coming up here... I said.

He didn't answer, and so I felt worse and worse. I wrote to him again:
Just let me know soon or I'll assume that's a "no..."

He called around midnight and said that he had been out with his friend Steve at Cercle Rouge.

"If you're down for the night, I don't have to come," he said.

I felt torn and anxious.

"Just come up here, okay?"

I met him at Cheers. He was drinking Jack Daniels with just a splash of diet coke. It looked like iced tea. We sat there and chatted for a while.

"It's over between me and my mom," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"We had it out this week. Actually, she mentioned you," he smiled.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I called her because I needed some cash and she was being awful about it," he explained. "So, I told her to forget it-- that I could borrow from you or CouchSleeper or whoever. And she actually said not to bother you-- 'Don't borrow money from Hyde. She's such a nice girl... and not after what you put her through when you were in the hospital!' Can you believe her?"

"Wait-- what? Why would she say that?"

"She thinks I put her through something... that I put you through something. I was the one who was sick!" he said. "I was the one going through something. She's always been like this though."

"Narc, you and I have been through a lot... A lot of uncomfortable things and a lot of pain... But showing up for you when you were sick was NOT an inconvenience. It was not a trouble for me. That's ridiculous."

"That's my mother," he said. "And she called me a few days later. She was drunk. She told me not to contact her again-- that she would set something up with the bank that would automatically deposit money for me, so we won't ever have to talk again."

I felt terrible for him and gave him a hug. I just slung my arms around his neck and held on. But, I still thought it was phenomenally weird that his mother even remembered me, let alone brought me up, let alone defended me. So strange...

We stayed there a while longer while Narc had at least another six or seven drinks. FightingMensch was there drinking at the other end of the bar. I haven't seen him in forever! At some point, he was totally blitzed and on his way out. He stopped by to say hello. He told me that he got married.

"Really? Congrats! Who did you marry?"

"Some chick. She likes to shop."

"That's great, congrats," I said again.

"You've lost a lot of weight," he pointed out. "Is that rude of me to say? I mean, is it rude to say it?"

He smiled a drunken, bleary smile.

"No, FightingMensch, it's okay. I think at this point, I've lost enough weight that it would be rude if you were not to say anything."

"But you're healthy, though, right?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm healthy. Very happy."

"Still off the bottle? And you're not seeing that guy anymore are you?"

Oh, god, this was about to get awkward.

"Um... no... everything's good now," I said.

"You're not still seeing that guy?"

He was repeating himself in the way that only drunk people do.

"I hope you're not seeing that guy, Hyde. He was no good for you."

"I'm not seeing him. It's all okay now."

Narc wasn't saying anything through all of this, but I could feel him tensing up. Maybe it was my own tension. Whatever it was, I wanted the moment to pass.

When FightingMensch stumbled out, I turned to Narc.

"Did you hear what he said?"

"Um... no... I wasn't listening," he said.

"What he said about me not seeing that guy anymore?"

"Oh-- whatever."

"You know who he was talking about?"

"No..."

"He was talking about you, Narc!"

We went outside to smoke a cigarette.

"Why would he think I'm so awful?"

"All the shit that used to go down between us-- I got drunk and had a big mouth. I was always heartbroken. You just 'weren't that into me.'"

"If it helps, Hyde, I wasn't 'that into' anyone."

"I doesn't help," I laughed. "But, I showed up with choke marks once... and a black eye once. Remember? They thought that was from you. Also, all the craziness when I was pregnant."

"Oh, man! That guy probably wanted to punch me in the face!"

"That's why I didn't tell him it was you."

Anyway, we came home, had a lot of sex and that was Wednesday night.

On Thursday we had sushi for lunch and then I met up with my sponsor. We played some guitar hero and then I went to AA. When I got out, Narc had left me a message. He invited me to come down to watch some Hitchcock movies. I got there at around 10:00 PM and we watched To Catch a Thief.

On Friday we left his place together, taking the subway uptown. We both had therapy, but in different parts of town. In the afternoon I wandered around Union Square and bought an awesome book called "Apartment Therapy." That night I went to go hear my friend Drew give her first qualification at AA. She was great. Afterwards she wanted to go out. We headed down to the West Village and ate at Isle. Then we parked ourselves at Marie's Crisis and sang the night away. I had a great time getting to know her better. She's got about five months in the program and we have a lot in common. At Marie's the pianist has officially learned my name and told me that his mother's first name is similar to mine. My cell phone battery died just before 1:00 AM, as I forgot to charge it the night before at Narc's. I was slightly anxious about it, but tried to convince myself to stay present, to stay in the moment, and reminded myself that Narc and I didn't have any plans and I don't have to be constantly available.

When I got home at around 3:45 AM and plugged in my phone, I saw that I had missed several texts from Narc. He apparently had gone to Cheers looking for me. He left me a voice message at around 1:30 AM and another several hours later. In the second message, he was so drunk, so obliterated that he couldn't speak. It was a little scary. I dropped the phone and raced out the door to Cheers. The doors were locked, but I banged on the window. BarMan answered.

"Your boyfriend's in the bathroom," the bouncer said.

I went back there and knocked on the door.

"Narc? Narc! Are you okay?"

He finally emerged, his eyes bulging and bloodshot, barely able to walk. I took his hand and led him to the door. PumpedUp looked at me incredulously. I suddenly felt very foolish for a whole slew of reasons.

Back at my place, Narc just wanted to make out and have more and more and more sex, which entailed a lot of sloppy drunk pawing. All of that kept me up until well after 5:00 AM. When he finally passed out, he snored so loudly that I couldn't get to sleep.

On Saturday we slept in until at least 4:00 PM. I cleaned my kitchen for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening while he watched TV. It felt cozy and domestic to me and I felt myself receding into fantasy land, but I was happy for the moment.

In the afternoon, both my mom and Cherubino called and I didn't mention to either that I was with Narc at that moment. I just couldn't deal with it there and then.

"Interesting that you didn't say you were with me," he said.

"Why, are you offended?"

"I'm just saying-- you're supposed to be all about honesty with your whole AA thing and you're not being honest."

"I'm not being dishonest."

"I bet your mom doesn't even know that you've been seeing me since we split in April," he said.

"That's not true. I told her I was seeing you again. She knows how upset I was about your birthday. Besides, why do you care?"

"I don't!" he insisted. "I"m just saying... you're trying to be all honest, so..."

"It just causes aggravation, Narc. They're just going to tell me not to see you."

"Why would they say that?"

"Are you serious? Because this relationship causes me pain. Because you don't want to be with me-- you've made that clear. And they think I deserve more than that."

He didn't say anything.

"Besides, you've done that to me a hundred times!"

"Not really."

"Yes... you're always doing that. I'll be at your house and you'll get on the phone with someone and say you're just bumming around at home or whatever and leave out the fact that I'm there."

"It's not intentional if I did that," he said.

"Not intentional? You even did it in writing!!"

I reminded him of his blog entry from three years ago.

"I spent the whole weekend with you and then you went and wrote about how you did nothing all weekend so you jumped at the chance to have dinner with the Exhibitionist."

"I wouldn't have done that," he said.

"Let's check it out!"

I went online and read him his entry.

"If I wrote that, then we must not have spent the weekend together."

"Oh, really? Well, let's go take a look at my blog from that weekend!"

I read to him how I had met him on Friday night, what he had been wearing, where we had gone for brunch on Saturday, etc.

My point was made.

That night, we headed over to Hooters for a bite to eat. Mostly, we went there as a joke. The food was so heavy that it was practically inedible. And Narc started downing Jack Daniels just to stabilize himself. He didn't remember me getting him home the night before.

We relocated from midtown down to his neighborhood, ending up at The Odeon for dessert. He must have had five or six whiskeys in the hour and wasn't even tipsy. I pointed out that he needed all that just to feel "normal."

"Yeah, I guess my tolerance for Jack is pretty high," he laughed.

It scares me though.

I felt love, but I felt moody.

"Why didn't you invite me to your birthday, Narc!" I asked again, after turning the words over in my head silently for half an hour.

"I didn't DO anything for my birthday!"

"That's not true."

We had the same dumb-ass, pointless conversation yet again. We dropped the subject, unresolved, yet again.

Then we went back to his place for bed.

On Sunday I headed out to Long Island to spend the day with my family. My mom took me shopping for swimsuits at Macy's and then I joined my sisters and grandpa and brothers-in-law lolling around in the pool to escape the sweltering heat that has been upon us. My step-dad came home and barbecued. It was a nice afternoon.

I got back to the city at around 9:00 PM on Sunday night. I showered and changed and headed back downtown to meet Narc again. We watched North by Northwest. He made me a little dish of yogurt and berries and honey.

This morning we slept in and then had lunch at Megu. Afterwards, I went with him while he got his hair cut. Over lunch he told me that I should write a book out of my blog. I like the idea, but told him that I suck as an editor, always struggle with the fact that I can't leave anything out, and would have no idea how to create an overarching storyline.

"I can help you with that," he said. So, later on in the afternoon, he gave me an hour-long lesson about screenwriting structure. I sat at his counter and took notes. It was kind of sweet.

This evening I met up with my sponsee and then had dinner with NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika. NDN has a car for his job, so he drove us over the George Washington Bridge for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey. The portions were fucking enormous! I really like Tamika. She seems like a cool girl and her temperament compliments NDN. I found out that Tamika's best friend is dating a guy who lived in my suite in college my junior year. Weird... After dinner, we stopped briefly at the storage facility (or what NDN likes to call his "drug den") and then came back home.

And that about brings you all up to date on my life. I'm too tired to process anything beyond that for now. Writing such an extensive catch-up has wiped me out! I'm listening to Purcell's music for Queen Mary's funeral. It is dim and quiet in my apartment with just the hum of my airconditioner, soft Baroque melodies and Mr. Rochester's big green eyes. I am hoping the heat wave will pass soon. Next week I'm off to Texas to visit Liu. I'm really excited for the trip.

Anyway, I hope you are all well out there.

lots of love!
h

Start of Summer

It's been a while since I've posted, huh? It's actually kind of liberating not to be Über-documenting my life. Things have been pretty good. I just finished my semester, turning in all of the grades for my students yesterday. Hey-- it's the first time I did it early. The deadline isn't until midnight tonight!

Things are going really well with my sponsee. It feels great to be helping her; I can actually see all of my emotional and spiritual growth; and she has told me that she feels a lot better since we've been working together. Yay!

Um... what else? I finished that mega paper I was working on all semester and turned it in on May 19th. Given the deadline, it was not exactly what I would have wanted to produce, but it wasn't half bad and I got it done on time.

I barely slept at all that week. I was up super late that Monday working on the paper and then I met Narc and his friend Mike at a bar in my neighborhood. On Wednesday (the 21st), I went to see Indiana Jones with Narc at midnight. The next night, I went out with a huge crowd from the history department at my school. I ended up staying out until nearly 4:00 AM. It was a strange night. Some guy from the Poly Sci department told me that he has a problem with drugs and can't stop. Weird that he talked to me about it. Also-- I met a tattooed timpani player. (If you don't recall, I've always said that I want to marry a tattooed timpani player. I wrote about it a year ago here. Not that I want to marry this guy-- it was just weird to meet one.) That guy got really, really drunk and I offered for him to crash on my couch. He could barely walk. I don't know why I made the offer. Because I'm nuts?

Anyway, it was an interesting night.

On Friday I qualified at a women's meeting. Later that night I went out for TT's birthday. He got a little drunk and was being a little "touchy-feely" but never actually made a move. I was feeling edgy and not in the mood to go home, but not in the mood to stay at Cheers either. So, I went down to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show tunes until really late. I met a bunch of wacky drunk Australians who kept wanting to pose for pictures with me because I am a good singer. It was entertaining. Narc texted me at around 3:00 AM and I ended up meeting him at Grace closer to 4:00 AM.

So... it was an exhausting week!

This weekend I went to my sister's niece's 1st Communion party on Saturday night and then just worked on grading papers for the rest of the weekend. BigSis and I went shopping on Sunday and I bought some high-heeled shoes. I am normally a sneakers/Doc Martins only girl, but she insisted that I need "sexy" shoes, now that I've lost a ton of weight. I have to say-- she was right about the fact that shoes can transform you. I wore my new shoes to AA last night (as it was May anniversary night) and a million people told me that I looked gorgeous. One guy even sent me a text this morning repeating it. I feel awkward when people compliment me, but it still feels good. :)

I haven't seen Narc since I left his place on Saturday morning. I'm not sure why, but we just seem to have cooled this week. I think it's a good thing. I've slept by myself in my own bed for the past four nights in a row and although it felt weird on night two, it felt normal by night four. And it should feel normal!

Yesterday morning I went with Big-Sis and Bro-in-Law to their sonogram appointment. I had my first glimpse of my future niece! She was playing with her feet and moving her mouth open and shut like a little guppy. It was so amazing and such a miracle. It filled me with such a sense of serenity and well-being. It must just be a God thing. I'm still feeling it today.

Anyway, I have to head out to a voice lesson in a few. I'm looking forward to a lot this summer. I'm heading to TX in mid-June to visit Liu. And I signed up for a rafting/camping weekend with some AA friends in July. I'm teaching a class on 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History and that starts in July. I better get started on planning that course! Plus, I have two other INCs to wrap up, God-willing.

So... that's it for now. Hope you are all well out there!!

love,
h

Guess what??

I have my first sponsee!

:)

h

I heart Status Quo

For a girl who's trying to wean herself from blogging, I'm not doing too well...

Anyway-- how to make a long story short? I caved in short order. I didn't talk to or hear from Narc at all on Monday or Tuesday. By Tuesday night I felt sick. Tuesday was a strange day overall. My cab got in a little accident on my way to teach. I walked from teaching to AA, across Central Park and bumped into another woman from my home group who kept me company. It's weird-- I was feeling grounded and calm on the one hand (perhaps the effect of my sobriety anniversary) and I also felt angry and more and more sure that this thing with Narc is over and not what I want. But it all brought on a new sort of terror that rolled over me in waves. I felt like I was standing in front of an enormous gaping void, or being asked to walk off of some kind of cliff and believe that I wouldn't fall. I was anxious and nauseated and sad.

I don't like being uncomfortable.

I was watching American Idol. David Cook started to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and I started to bawl. So... on an impulse I called. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Instead, he texted me back.

Narc: Just saw missed call. What's up?

Hyde: I don't know. Just wanted to talk to you. Don't know what I was going to say. Guess I miss you. Watching Idol...

Narc: Miss you too, but unfortunately don't know if I have anything new to say or offer you...

Hyde: :( This sucks. I hate it. I have been sad all day.

Narc: I know it sucks but don't know what else to say... Wish you were here. Burying myself in GTA otherwise for the distraction

Hyde: I love you.

Narc: Love you too.

(A few minutes went by while I cried some more)

Narc: E's people turned us down today as well. Alas. No London.

Hyde: I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not doing too well, to be honest. Want to be together tonight and ignore all this completely just for the night?

Narc: I think we can do that...

Hyde: K. Am on my way.

And so it goes... And so-- I went.

On Wednesday we went to Battery Park to feed his favorite ducks. We got sandwiches from the Bouley bakery and sat in the shade and ate them. I had a great voice lesson later that afternoon. And I had sushi with Bezoukhoff for dinner. Back at my place, Bezoukhoff and I listened to "Miss Saigon" and joked about putting up an online dating profile for me.

"What the fuck?" I said. "Maybe I should just do it."

So... I did. But honestly, you guys-- I don't think I'm ready for that. Not in the middle of all this.

Anyway, at around 12:30 AM, Narc texted me that he was downstairs at Cheers. So, Bezoukhoff and I went to meet him. They are trying out something new-- "Rock Band" on Wednesday nights. Narc and I did two numbers-- he on voice and I on guitar.

Deee-niii-aaall!!!!

So-- he came back to my place and kicked back and I heated up food for him and slept in his arms and swallowed those feelings of degradation and rejection and lived in the moment as much as I could.

Thursday was an interesting day. I worked for a really long time on my paper, B and I saw Iron Man (for the second time) and I went to the history department party at school. I saw Hammer there-- I haven't seen her in ages!! I chatted with my advisor for a while and played some trivia with Bezoukhoff's new crew of friends in the department. Afterwards I went out for drinks with them. Bezoukhoff, just having broken up with his girlfriend of six years, seems to have found new love in our department! He was romancing a girl (I have to choose a name for!) and I chatted with a few of the students that I didn't know very well. We headed across the street and did a few karaoke songs, and that was fun. From there I went uptown to my AA group's anniversary watch for one of our members. I ended up talking to a newcomer for a long time at the diner.

Anyway, I didn't talk to Narc that night, as he went to a taping of The Daily Show and then out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I actually had a voice mail from him when I woke up-- one that he left while wasted, at around 7:00 AM.

But Friday was a work day for me. I worked and worked. I went to the New York Public Library and worked and worked. It sucked, lugging my laptop around in the rain. Then, that night I went to an AA meeting on the Upper West Side. Afterwards, I went out for dinner with a big group. We went to Ruby Foo's to celebrate Cherubino's 4-year anniversary. Narc texted me a few times, but I told him I wasn't free until later.

Back at my place, I talked to another newcomer on the phone for a long time and then went downstairs to meet NDN's new girlfriend. She seems really nice. The two of them went up to some little bed and breakfast on the Hudson this weekend, so we'll have to see how all of that develops. I hung out with them until just after 1:00 AM. Narc was out with CouchSleeper at that point and invited me to join them.

I did. I met them at "Grace" in Tribeca and we hung out there until around 3:30 AM or so. CouchSleeper got pretty drunk and was singing tunes from West Side Story. He used to be a professional horn player and even played in a production of Aida, which he had me listen to on his iPod.

Back at Narc's place, I took a shower and then we had super, amazing sex, which only made me sad because it all has to end. I know that we love each other-- it was the kind of amazing sex you can only have once you love each other-- but it has to end.

I don't think we got to sleep until after 6:00 AM!

Anyway, today I had a lot more work to do on my paper. While I was still at his place earlier in the day, his friend J-- some girl that lives in his building-- came down to watch Point Break.

"Are you guys open-minded?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure..."

"Want some?"

She took out a bag of coke and waved it in the air. Oh my fucking god, my stomach flipped over. I've been around a lot of alcohol since I've been sober, but the coke plucked some wire or nerve in my brain. It was boring into me.

"No thanks," I said.

"Yeah, none for me either," Narc half-laughed. "Hyde is on the straight and narrow and I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe I'll have a bump later or something, but none for now."

The idea of Narc doing coke later made me feel sick. I worry about him. He's really out of shape and had that blood clot problem that landed him in the hospital. I swear, he's going to kill himself. (My therapist asked me if that's what I'm waiting for).

His friend seemed embarrassed and put it back into her purse, but I couldn't forget that it was there. I had to get out.

"I don't think I'll get too much work done with the movie on," I said. "I better take off."

So... I did. It was a good thing. I had a lot of work to do anyway.

Tonight it's raining and I'm safe and sound in my house. But I know that he's out with his friend Robyn and CouchSleeper again and it makes me feel uneasy. All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong-- dis-ease.

But I don't want to stare that gulf in the face again. It scared the shit out of me.

I love him I hate him I love him I hate him.

Fuck it. It's not about him. I'm scared. And I love Status Quo.

-h-

The Litmus Test

So, it was an eventful weekend-- the end to an eventful week. On Saturday evening, I was heading out to Jake's birthday dinner when I made a pit-stop at the ATM. It wouldn't let me withdraw any money, telling me that I had "exceeded the daily limit." The only problem? I hadn't left my house that day. After an hour or so on the phone with Chase it turns out that someone in China had been stealing my money for two days and had taken about $1000. I still can't access my own bank account. It sucks.

In any case, I continued on and met Jake and his friends for dinner and then drinks at Forbidden City, followed by a stroll around the East Village, ending up at a dismal karaoke place on St. Mark's. The whole time I was anxious about the fact that Narc was ignoring me on his birthday. I had made it abundantly clear at least half a dozen times in the last month or so that it was important to me to be invited out this year and that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't invite me. The last few times I mentioned it, he told me that he didn't have anything planned for his birthday.

He was out Friday night and never answered my birthday text. I wrote again on Saturday morning and he never answered. I wrote again at around 4:00 PM that I was worried about him. That time he answered, telling me that he was getting lunch with CouchSleeper and would call later. I texted again around 9:00 PM and then again at around 11:00 PM, this time writing that "I guess he didn't want to meet up after all." I was sick about it though. I had been waiting for quite some time to see how he would handle his birthday.

At around 12:30 AM, I went into the bathroom at Forbidden City and called him. Obviously, he didn't pick up.

"It's me," I said. "And I have to tell you-- I'm really disappointed. You knew how important it was for me to see you on your birthday, or at least to get a phone call, and... Well, I don't know what else there is to say about it, except that I'm sad and very, very disappointed. I can't do this anymore, Narc. I don't want to have this conversation with myself in a voice mail and certainly not on your birthday, but we need to talk. This isn't working for me. We really need to talk."

At least I managed, somehow, to have a good time with Jake and the others. At the end of the night, it was just me and Jake, and P and her fiancee. P is a friend from college that I rarely ever see. I'm more in touch with her through other people. Jake and I made a pact that if we're both still single at 45 that we would marry each other.

"My 45 or your 45?" I asked (as he's a few years older than I am).

"Your 45," he said.

"Fine."

I thought it was funny.

Anyway, we all got a slice of pizza, went to the karaoke place and then I headed home at around 2:00 AM.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

At 2:30 AM or so, Narc called. He was wasted. I was furious.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He wanted to come up to my place. I told him "no." He said he was coming anyway. I told him not to and that I would tell my doorman not to let him in. I was FURIOUS.

We started to fight.

"Fuck you, Hyde!" he said.

"No! Fuck YOU!!!"

I hung up the phone on him. He called back. The whole thing repeated three or four times.

"It's no big deal," he said. "I was just out with CouchSleeper, Mike and LAGirl. I want to see YOU now. I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you."

"You have to be KIDDING me!" I exclaimed. "You were out with LAGirl? Is this a fucking joke? I don't even care anymore, Narc. Get the fuck away from me."

I hung up on him again. He sent me a text. It was after 3:00 AM.

Don't ever talk to me again. Ever. You dumb fucking whore, he wrote.

I didn't answer him.

He called a few minutes later.

I didn't pick up.

"Hyde, what's going on?" he slurred in his message. "This is not a fucking big deal..." He went on like that for a while.

I ignored it and went to sleep.

The next day I headed out to Long Island for Mother's day. He called and texted mid-afternoon, saying "Give a call when you can," but I continued to ignore him. I didn't want to let him interrupt my time with my family. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sick. I was still furious. Finally!!! The anger has arrived!

I had a lovely afternoon with my family and got back to the city at around 9:00 PM. I called him.

"So... what were we fighting about last night?" he asked.

"You're going to act like you don't remember?"

"I don't."

"So, you don't remember calling me a 'dumb fucking whore'?"

"Oh... I did? Why was I mad?"

"That's all you have to say?"

"What else do you want me to say? I was drunk!"

"How about: Oh my god, I can't believe I called you that! I'm SORRY."

"Whatever, Hyde-- I was drunk. It doesn't count. It doesn't mean anything."

"Whatever."

I told him why I was upset-- about the birthday, about the fact that I had told him over and over and over and over and over that it hurts my feelings not to be invited, about the fact that it hurts even more that he invited LAGirl.

"I didn't invite her. She invited herself... she just called me."

"I called you too! But you ignored me all day!!!"

He got defensive, arguing everything he could think of from "you wouldn't have wanted to be there, we were drinking" to "I didn't make any plans, it just happened" to "I don't have to justify myself to you!" to "I don't owe you anything-- it was MY birthday!"

I just stayed calm and kept repeating my point-- that even if it was thoughtlessness and not cruelty, that thoughtlessness was the problem-- that he couldn't/wouldn't ever consider my feelings. I reminded him that I found girls' phone numbers on bar-napkins in his kitchen and that I knew that LAGirl had been at his place on Thursday and he never mentioned it to me.

"And as for your birthday," I went on, "If I were your girlfriend, you would have invited me," I said.

"Obviously. But you're not!!"

"That's exactly my point, Narc. This makes no sense. You've made a commitment not to have sex with anyone else; I sleep with you almost every night; I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me; we've been together for four years. This makes no sense!!"

"I don't know, Hyde. I DO love you, but I love a lot of my friends."

"You don't love me differently than you love your other friends?"

"No. Well, sort of... But, you're not a priority. You're not the focus of my life. I mean, I thought we had this chill thing between us."

"We have such different experiences of this relationship, it's ridiculous," I laughed. "And there's no point in arguing or debating. The bottom line is that I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't be with you anymore unless I'm your girlfriend. I need the honor, respect, recognition, security and all of it that comes with being your 'girlfriend.' Do you think I'd be jealous of LAGirl if you told her that you had a girlfriend?"

"She knows you exist," he said.

"Yeah-- that you're fucking some girl? Nice."

"I love you and I want you in my life," he said.

"Me too. But I'm done with this."

He got angry and accused me of manipulating him-- of trying to force his hand with another ultimatum.

"I'm not!" I insisted. "I love you. I honestly want you to be happy. I want you to make right choices for you. I don't want to force anyone to be my boyfriend. I'm just saying that this is horrible for my self esteem. I feel like I'm not good enough for you."

"I'm the one who's not good enough for YOU!" he said. "I can't give you what you want-- we have different goals for the future."

"Narc, this is killing me and it has to stop. I have to take care of myself. It's my responsibility. And as I see it, we have three choices-- keep the status quo--"

"Which keeps you in pain," he interjected.

"Stop seeing each other,"

"Which would be incredibly painful for both of us," he said.

"Or change the situation to make it bearable for me."

He was quiet.

"I don't know what that means or what I can do."

"I want a boyfriend Narc."

He kept trying to convince me to see him that night. He knows that he owes me money and my account is blocked, so he said he wanted to pay me back.

"I don't know," I said. "I'll call you later and let you know."

We hung up the phone shortly after that. Then he texted me, about an hour later.

Narc: So...What's the plan?

Hyde: I think I need to wait until we work this out. My self-esteem needs it. You could just mail me the money? Or drop it with my doorman when you can...?

Narc: Are you sure? I mean, going to see you again at some point soon anyway... Don't like the thought of you not having money.

Hyde: Yeah. I'm sure. This situation and my feelings about you and me are way more important to me than immediate money. If I run out, I can prob borrow from NDN...

Narc: Ok, will miss sleeping next to you tonight.

Hyde: Will miss you too. But please just give it all some thought. The more I sit with it, the clearer everything is becoming.

Narc: I can think about it, but I just don't know if I'll come up with anything.

Hyde: If you can't you can't. You can only do what's right for you. But let me know. I can only do what's right for me.

Narc: Well, I know I love you and am feeling lonely and wish you were here now. That' s about it...

Hyde; Me too.

Then, half an hour later:

Narc: Also, those phone numbers and e-mail addresses you saw were three-- two girls and one guy, all of whom I met as a group, just to clarify...

Hyde: Ok.

And that was it.

Yesterday I went to the library all day and gave a presentation in my class that night. Today is the last day of teaching classes, although I still have to give the final exams.

But, his birthday. I wanted so badly for him not to disappoint me. I told him over and over and over before it got here, hoping he would get the point. It was a litmus test for me and he failed.

This may be the end. I wonder when it will resolve. I'm not going to call him. I wonder when I'll hear from him.

love,
h