I was asked to speak at the big meeting on Tuesday night... to be the 10 minute speaker. I am really nervous. I know you're not supposed to write these things out in advance, but I just drafted my "qualification."
Later today I'm going to see that new biopic about Edith Piaf with Hammer. I'm still feeling blue, but am trying to stay "active" about things.
love,
h
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Backwards
It's been a busy and a strange week. A lot of running around to different doctors... the emails with Narc... I don't know. I'm off to LilSis' bridal shower right now. I'm feeling depressed. 2 years ago today was when I terminated that pregnancy. I wish I weren't so sensitive or that dates didn't matter to me so much. Feeling a little sick...
Hopefully the day with my family and a meeting tonight will help me keep things in perspective.
love,
h
Hopefully the day with my family and a meeting tonight will help me keep things in perspective.
love,
h
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
The Case Continues
I am exhausted right now! Kind of tired beyond belief. I got very little sleep last night for a variety of reasons, and spent the day being emotionally worn out (in ways I don't really care to discuss). I made some major progress today towards a goal, though. And I suppose if that comes at the expense of some exhaustion, so be it. At around 5:00 PM I collapsed into a nap. I just woke up. It's nearly 8:00.
Before I hit the sheets, I wrote back to Narc's email from yesterday. (Was it really just from yesterday? It feels like I waited a week to respond!) To be fair, I also went onto bn.com and ordered the book that Spins suggested. Anyway, here's what I wrote to him:
Ha ha ha...! You know the PhD is a ways off. The INC's are moving along nicely though. ;)
The conference was actually a really great experience. I was nervous, but I'm glad that I did it. I found that I was pretty good on my feet, even when up against a bonafide "Ruskin scholar" (don't know if you ever read it, but my paper touches on Ruskin). And my advisor is still encouraging me to publish the paper. I just haven't had the time to make the necessary changes yet.
I have been insanely busy, but in a way that feels good. I sang at Carnegie Hall on Monday night... that was fun. I've just been moving along-- teaching, getting some writing done, doing voice, and still going to AA, of course, and changing and growing spiritually every day. That sounds kind of weird to write in an email, but I feel so different these days... even happy! I started to really feel it around the beginning of May. On Saturday I woke up charged and thinking about "fascism" and itching to read. So I did. It was a productive day, work-wise. It doesn't sound "exciting," but I haven't had that feeling in nearly four years. It's as if a fog is lifting. (An alcoholic fog? A depressive fog? Who knows... but I don't think it really matters what or why). I just can't wait to see what happens next.
(And just in case, in my spare time, I'm re-reading Nietzsche's "the Case Against Wagner." Perhaps I will finally eliminate the last of my latent Wagnerism! It's all about "praxis" these days!!!)
Oh-- and some really BIG changes in the works. I'm going to keep quiet on that, though, until I see if it all pans out... probably won't know for another few months.
Anyway... how are you doing "health"-wise? I still worry about you, you know. I'm excited and happy for all of the positive things that are happening on your end. And maybe, if enough time passes between now and when I see you again, you will be making your movie and I will be able to reveal what I have up my sleeve.
Keep in touch...
Lots of love,
Hyde
And then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had missed a few calls from NDN and had a text from Narc. Huh?
Hey, you have a MacBook now with a built in cam, right? You should add "Narc-1" to your iChat AV, then we can chat!
I repeat... HUH?
If he really wants to see me, he lives three miles away... what is this? My eyes are still sticky from my nap and my head is pounding, as I haven't eaten all afternoon. I need to go to the deli to forage for food. But, I guess I get what I ask for. I still haven't mentioned any of this to Cherubino. Maybe it's time? I'm not sure.
My heart is my heart is my heart.
love,
h
Before I hit the sheets, I wrote back to Narc's email from yesterday. (Was it really just from yesterday? It feels like I waited a week to respond!) To be fair, I also went onto bn.com and ordered the book that Spins suggested. Anyway, here's what I wrote to him:
Ha ha ha...! You know the PhD is a ways off. The INC's are moving along nicely though. ;)
The conference was actually a really great experience. I was nervous, but I'm glad that I did it. I found that I was pretty good on my feet, even when up against a bonafide "Ruskin scholar" (don't know if you ever read it, but my paper touches on Ruskin). And my advisor is still encouraging me to publish the paper. I just haven't had the time to make the necessary changes yet.
I have been insanely busy, but in a way that feels good. I sang at Carnegie Hall on Monday night... that was fun. I've just been moving along-- teaching, getting some writing done, doing voice, and still going to AA, of course, and changing and growing spiritually every day. That sounds kind of weird to write in an email, but I feel so different these days... even happy! I started to really feel it around the beginning of May. On Saturday I woke up charged and thinking about "fascism" and itching to read. So I did. It was a productive day, work-wise. It doesn't sound "exciting," but I haven't had that feeling in nearly four years. It's as if a fog is lifting. (An alcoholic fog? A depressive fog? Who knows... but I don't think it really matters what or why). I just can't wait to see what happens next.
(And just in case, in my spare time, I'm re-reading Nietzsche's "the Case Against Wagner." Perhaps I will finally eliminate the last of my latent Wagnerism! It's all about "praxis" these days!!!)
Oh-- and some really BIG changes in the works. I'm going to keep quiet on that, though, until I see if it all pans out... probably won't know for another few months.
Anyway... how are you doing "health"-wise? I still worry about you, you know. I'm excited and happy for all of the positive things that are happening on your end. And maybe, if enough time passes between now and when I see you again, you will be making your movie and I will be able to reveal what I have up my sleeve.
Keep in touch...
Lots of love,
Hyde
And then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had missed a few calls from NDN and had a text from Narc. Huh?
Hey, you have a MacBook now with a built in cam, right? You should add "Narc-1" to your iChat AV, then we can chat!
I repeat... HUH?
If he really wants to see me, he lives three miles away... what is this? My eyes are still sticky from my nap and my head is pounding, as I haven't eaten all afternoon. I need to go to the deli to forage for food. But, I guess I get what I ask for. I still haven't mentioned any of this to Cherubino. Maybe it's time? I'm not sure.
My heart is my heart is my heart.
love,
h
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Wounded
Hyde:
I just saw a commercial for "1408." Is that the one I'm supposed to get excited about? If so, I will... Btw-- How is your reality show deal, etc.? love, hyde
Narc:
1408 has tested quite well over the past few months--supposed to be a great, suspense-filled, scary movie, so we shall see... Reality show deal is done and out of our hands (at least as far as our part is concerned), as our guys in LA are pitching the project as we speak (apparently ABC is quite interested and has been taking meetings, but as for us--now it's just a waiting game). "The movie" moving along as well--incorporating, first money in etc all this week. How did your conference go? And where's that shiny new PhD?? Narc
Monday, June 4, 2007
"The Case Against Wagner"
Everything is completely fine. In fact, things are starting to feel GOOD... but I still want to scream. I still want something I can't have. I still can't stand it... can't breath.
Why can't I just accept what is?
I had a good weekend. Friday night's talent show was a lot of fun. Cherubino and I were a smash and it was fun to sing in front of people who had no idea I am a singer. Everyone was sort of bowled over.
Earlier in the day on Friday I went to a new meeting down near NYU and afterwards I had lunch with Pixie. We talked and talked for an hour or two... it was one of those rare but awesome "new friend" conversations in which you get to know another person, talk philosophy and feel the energy of the world around you. We ate at Dojo. When lunch was through I was off to therapy where I complained about needing an "unconversion" experience* to get rid of my Wagnerian obsession with liebestod (and thereby ceasing to exist post-Narc.)
*(I know that term "unconversion" experience probably doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's an inside joke to myself... something to do with John Ruskin in Turin).
After the talent show, Cherubino came back to my place and we watched "Dangerous Liaisons" with StarGazer until nearly 3:00 AM. Cherubino fell asleep before it was through. It made me think of Liu. I first saw that movie with her when she was living in Colorado. And I have to say-- that movie is just plain hot.
On Saturday something really good happened. I woke up thinking again for the first time in years. I mean it... I didn't realize it had been missing until Saturday. I woke up wanting to work on one of my incompletes. I had some thoughts racing through my head about Fascism. I wanted to read. The alcoholic fog is still lifting and sometimes, like on Saturday, I can feel a major shift in my brain. I remember it happened to me before once back in the fall... I was listening to some baroque music and found that my brain could once again pick apart the orchestration in a way I hadn't been able to do since before I drank. It's really, really scary how much alcohol took away from me... how much I hadn't even realized was missing.
I went to meet Hammer down at the Tea Spot (and drank Butter Truffle tea) and I read a little about opera and fascism and chatted with Hammer. Afterwards I went back to her apartment and painted a watercolor of a really creepy dream I had about ChoirMan. I left the painting there, as not to carry its bad energy with me. Hammer was working on a delightful series of paintings about a carrot and a soybean. It was awesome. (Who's awesome? Why, she and the Alaskan are awesome!)
From there I headed over to AA. I took Slope's commitment for her, cleaning up the coffee tables, as she hasn't been around as much lately. After the meeting I went out for a bite with Civyl, LashGirl and some others. It was raining hard outside and I walked without an umbrella. I liked it. The rain splashed around on my chest and in my hair and it felt cold and I felt really alive-- again, in a way I haven't felt in a long time... maybe years.
Today I went over to school to do some paperwork and to copy syllabi's. I'm teaching a new class that starts tomorrow. On my way home, I stopped at the art store and bought my own sketch book and a set of watercolor pencils, since I had so much fun with Hammer and the Alaskan. Then I came home and painted... or drew... I guess I drew, since I was using pencils. At 6:00 I headed back out... I sang at Carnegie Hall tonight!
I met the rest of my choir in one of the orchestra rehearsal rooms where we polished off a few last parts of the "Zanetto" chorus. There's something about the sound love in a-minor. From there, it was up to the balcony. For some reason, they had us singing from the balcony and not on stage. I was glad though, as I got to wear my jeans and sneakers. And then I came home... and I ate dinner and watched some TV... and I felt anxious.
And I feel anxious.
I saw a commercial on TV yesterday for the Stephen King movie "1408." Narc told me about it a while back-- said that it's supposed to be genuinely scary. I can't stop thinking of him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be thinking of him anymore. But, he's still in my every thought. I don't want it anymore. Is this ever going to get any better? I hate it. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be in love anymore. I've started re-reading Nietzsche's "The Case Against Wagner." I'm hoping it'll help.
During the first half of tonight's concert, the mezzo sang "Acerba volutta" from Adriana Lecouvreur.
Waiting brings back intense pleasure, sweet torment, enduring pain, quick offense, fire, ice, trembling, rage and fear to my loving breast!
Every echo, every shadow in the incandescent night conspires against my impatient soul: completely suspended between doubt and desire, it measures eternity in the moment.
Will he come? Has he forgotten me? Is he hurrying? Or perhaps he's changing his mind?
There, he's coming! No, it's the sound of the stream mingled with the sigh of a sleeping tree.
Oh vagrant star of the Orient, do not wane. Smile at the universe and, if he is not lying, guide my love!
Wait a minute... Isn't Adriana Lecouvreur a "verismo" opera? Maybe Nietzsche's "Case Against Wagner" can't save me after all. Oh well... I think it's to bed with knots in my stomach... again.
Again... again...
Maybe this is the way of the world. If these are the terms, I'll have to accept. But I'm tired of being hungry... of always craving something else. Will I ever feel whole? Really whole? I don't know.
To bed, though. As I like to tell NDN, "tomorrow is another day."
love,
h
Why can't I just accept what is?
I had a good weekend. Friday night's talent show was a lot of fun. Cherubino and I were a smash and it was fun to sing in front of people who had no idea I am a singer. Everyone was sort of bowled over.
Earlier in the day on Friday I went to a new meeting down near NYU and afterwards I had lunch with Pixie. We talked and talked for an hour or two... it was one of those rare but awesome "new friend" conversations in which you get to know another person, talk philosophy and feel the energy of the world around you. We ate at Dojo. When lunch was through I was off to therapy where I complained about needing an "unconversion" experience* to get rid of my Wagnerian obsession with liebestod (and thereby ceasing to exist post-Narc.)
*(I know that term "unconversion" experience probably doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's an inside joke to myself... something to do with John Ruskin in Turin).
After the talent show, Cherubino came back to my place and we watched "Dangerous Liaisons" with StarGazer until nearly 3:00 AM. Cherubino fell asleep before it was through. It made me think of Liu. I first saw that movie with her when she was living in Colorado. And I have to say-- that movie is just plain hot.
On Saturday something really good happened. I woke up thinking again for the first time in years. I mean it... I didn't realize it had been missing until Saturday. I woke up wanting to work on one of my incompletes. I had some thoughts racing through my head about Fascism. I wanted to read. The alcoholic fog is still lifting and sometimes, like on Saturday, I can feel a major shift in my brain. I remember it happened to me before once back in the fall... I was listening to some baroque music and found that my brain could once again pick apart the orchestration in a way I hadn't been able to do since before I drank. It's really, really scary how much alcohol took away from me... how much I hadn't even realized was missing.
I went to meet Hammer down at the Tea Spot (and drank Butter Truffle tea) and I read a little about opera and fascism and chatted with Hammer. Afterwards I went back to her apartment and painted a watercolor of a really creepy dream I had about ChoirMan. I left the painting there, as not to carry its bad energy with me. Hammer was working on a delightful series of paintings about a carrot and a soybean. It was awesome. (Who's awesome? Why, she and the Alaskan are awesome!)
From there I headed over to AA. I took Slope's commitment for her, cleaning up the coffee tables, as she hasn't been around as much lately. After the meeting I went out for a bite with Civyl, LashGirl and some others. It was raining hard outside and I walked without an umbrella. I liked it. The rain splashed around on my chest and in my hair and it felt cold and I felt really alive-- again, in a way I haven't felt in a long time... maybe years.
Today I went over to school to do some paperwork and to copy syllabi's. I'm teaching a new class that starts tomorrow. On my way home, I stopped at the art store and bought my own sketch book and a set of watercolor pencils, since I had so much fun with Hammer and the Alaskan. Then I came home and painted... or drew... I guess I drew, since I was using pencils. At 6:00 I headed back out... I sang at Carnegie Hall tonight!
I met the rest of my choir in one of the orchestra rehearsal rooms where we polished off a few last parts of the "Zanetto" chorus. There's something about the sound love in a-minor. From there, it was up to the balcony. For some reason, they had us singing from the balcony and not on stage. I was glad though, as I got to wear my jeans and sneakers. And then I came home... and I ate dinner and watched some TV... and I felt anxious.
And I feel anxious.
I saw a commercial on TV yesterday for the Stephen King movie "1408." Narc told me about it a while back-- said that it's supposed to be genuinely scary. I can't stop thinking of him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be thinking of him anymore. But, he's still in my every thought. I don't want it anymore. Is this ever going to get any better? I hate it. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to be in love anymore. I've started re-reading Nietzsche's "The Case Against Wagner." I'm hoping it'll help.
During the first half of tonight's concert, the mezzo sang "Acerba volutta" from Adriana Lecouvreur.
Waiting brings back intense pleasure, sweet torment, enduring pain, quick offense, fire, ice, trembling, rage and fear to my loving breast!
Every echo, every shadow in the incandescent night conspires against my impatient soul: completely suspended between doubt and desire, it measures eternity in the moment.
Will he come? Has he forgotten me? Is he hurrying? Or perhaps he's changing his mind?
There, he's coming! No, it's the sound of the stream mingled with the sigh of a sleeping tree.
Oh vagrant star of the Orient, do not wane. Smile at the universe and, if he is not lying, guide my love!
Wait a minute... Isn't Adriana Lecouvreur a "verismo" opera? Maybe Nietzsche's "Case Against Wagner" can't save me after all. Oh well... I think it's to bed with knots in my stomach... again.
Again... again...
Maybe this is the way of the world. If these are the terms, I'll have to accept. But I'm tired of being hungry... of always craving something else. Will I ever feel whole? Really whole? I don't know.
To bed, though. As I like to tell NDN, "tomorrow is another day."
love,
h
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
I just watched the HBO movie... I cried. It was devastating.
Now I'm off to meet Hammer (and the Alaskan?) at the Tea Spot.
love,
h
Now I'm off to meet Hammer (and the Alaskan?) at the Tea Spot.
love,
h
Friday, June 1, 2007
Tidbits
Tonight is BarMan's last night ever doing karaoke over at Cheers. I wish I could go, but I will be singing in my talent show. He's been there for three years... he got there right after the summer I met Narc... right after I got addicted to coke again that summer... right when I started hanging out at Cheers... the start of my "bottom" in drinking, I guess you could say. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it... I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything right now.
In other news, I am reading The Brothers Karamazov (I think I already mentioned that once?) and I got a mini-crush on one of the brothers from a few sentences I read yesterday (while sugar crashing in the waiting room during my glucose tolerance test).
"Dmitri Fyodorovich, with his big and resolute strides, went over to the window, sat down on the only remaining chair, not far from Father Paissy, and, leaning forward with his whole body, at once prepared to listen to the continuation of the conversation he had interrupted."
I am a dork. I'm also running late, so that's it for now...
Thank God my grades have been turned in... that's what's foremost on my mind this morning.
lots of love,
h
PS: BARMAN JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL... IT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT FOR FRIDAY KARAOKE BUT HE'S STILL GOING TO BE AROUND BARTENDING AND DOING KARAOKE ON SATRUDAY. THAT WAS REALLY ANTICLIMACTIC.
In other news, I am reading The Brothers Karamazov (I think I already mentioned that once?) and I got a mini-crush on one of the brothers from a few sentences I read yesterday (while sugar crashing in the waiting room during my glucose tolerance test).
"Dmitri Fyodorovich, with his big and resolute strides, went over to the window, sat down on the only remaining chair, not far from Father Paissy, and, leaning forward with his whole body, at once prepared to listen to the continuation of the conversation he had interrupted."
I am a dork. I'm also running late, so that's it for now...
Thank God my grades have been turned in... that's what's foremost on my mind this morning.
lots of love,
h
PS: BARMAN JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL... IT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT FOR FRIDAY KARAOKE BUT HE'S STILL GOING TO BE AROUND BARTENDING AND DOING KARAOKE ON SATRUDAY. THAT WAS REALLY ANTICLIMACTIC.
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