It's been a while since I've posted, huh? It's actually kind of liberating not to be Über-documenting my life. Things have been pretty good. I just finished my semester, turning in all of the grades for my students yesterday. Hey-- it's the first time I did it early. The deadline isn't until midnight tonight!
Things are going really well with my sponsee. It feels great to be helping her; I can actually see all of my emotional and spiritual growth; and she has told me that she feels a lot better since we've been working together. Yay!
Um... what else? I finished that mega paper I was working on all semester and turned it in on May 19th. Given the deadline, it was not exactly what I would have wanted to produce, but it wasn't half bad and I got it done on time.
I barely slept at all that week. I was up super late that Monday working on the paper and then I met Narc and his friend Mike at a bar in my neighborhood. On Wednesday (the 21st), I went to see Indiana Jones with Narc at midnight. The next night, I went out with a huge crowd from the history department at my school. I ended up staying out until nearly 4:00 AM. It was a strange night. Some guy from the Poly Sci department told me that he has a problem with drugs and can't stop. Weird that he talked to me about it. Also-- I met a tattooed timpani player. (If you don't recall, I've always said that I want to marry a tattooed timpani player. I wrote about it a year ago here. Not that I want to marry this guy-- it was just weird to meet one.) That guy got really, really drunk and I offered for him to crash on my couch. He could barely walk. I don't know why I made the offer. Because I'm nuts?
Anyway, it was an interesting night.
On Friday I qualified at a women's meeting. Later that night I went out for TT's birthday. He got a little drunk and was being a little "touchy-feely" but never actually made a move. I was feeling edgy and not in the mood to go home, but not in the mood to stay at Cheers either. So, I went down to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show tunes until really late. I met a bunch of wacky drunk Australians who kept wanting to pose for pictures with me because I am a good singer. It was entertaining. Narc texted me at around 3:00 AM and I ended up meeting him at Grace closer to 4:00 AM.
So... it was an exhausting week!
This weekend I went to my sister's niece's 1st Communion party on Saturday night and then just worked on grading papers for the rest of the weekend. BigSis and I went shopping on Sunday and I bought some high-heeled shoes. I am normally a sneakers/Doc Martins only girl, but she insisted that I need "sexy" shoes, now that I've lost a ton of weight. I have to say-- she was right about the fact that shoes can transform you. I wore my new shoes to AA last night (as it was May anniversary night) and a million people told me that I looked gorgeous. One guy even sent me a text this morning repeating it. I feel awkward when people compliment me, but it still feels good. :)
I haven't seen Narc since I left his place on Saturday morning. I'm not sure why, but we just seem to have cooled this week. I think it's a good thing. I've slept by myself in my own bed for the past four nights in a row and although it felt weird on night two, it felt normal by night four. And it should feel normal!
Yesterday morning I went with Big-Sis and Bro-in-Law to their sonogram appointment. I had my first glimpse of my future niece! She was playing with her feet and moving her mouth open and shut like a little guppy. It was so amazing and such a miracle. It filled me with such a sense of serenity and well-being. It must just be a God thing. I'm still feeling it today.
Anyway, I have to head out to a voice lesson in a few. I'm looking forward to a lot this summer. I'm heading to TX in mid-June to visit Liu. And I signed up for a rafting/camping weekend with some AA friends in July. I'm teaching a class on 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History and that starts in July. I better get started on planning that course! Plus, I have two other INCs to wrap up, God-willing.
So... that's it for now. Hope you are all well out there!!
love,
h
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I heart Status Quo
For a girl who's trying to wean herself from blogging, I'm not doing too well...
Anyway-- how to make a long story short? I caved in short order. I didn't talk to or hear from Narc at all on Monday or Tuesday. By Tuesday night I felt sick. Tuesday was a strange day overall. My cab got in a little accident on my way to teach. I walked from teaching to AA, across Central Park and bumped into another woman from my home group who kept me company. It's weird-- I was feeling grounded and calm on the one hand (perhaps the effect of my sobriety anniversary) and I also felt angry and more and more sure that this thing with Narc is over and not what I want. But it all brought on a new sort of terror that rolled over me in waves. I felt like I was standing in front of an enormous gaping void, or being asked to walk off of some kind of cliff and believe that I wouldn't fall. I was anxious and nauseated and sad.
I don't like being uncomfortable.
I was watching American Idol. David Cook started to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and I started to bawl. So... on an impulse I called. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Instead, he texted me back.
Narc: Just saw missed call. What's up?
Hyde: I don't know. Just wanted to talk to you. Don't know what I was going to say. Guess I miss you. Watching Idol...
Narc: Miss you too, but unfortunately don't know if I have anything new to say or offer you...
Hyde: :( This sucks. I hate it. I have been sad all day.
Narc: I know it sucks but don't know what else to say... Wish you were here. Burying myself in GTA otherwise for the distraction
Hyde: I love you.
Narc: Love you too.
(A few minutes went by while I cried some more)
Narc: E's people turned us down today as well. Alas. No London.
Hyde: I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not doing too well, to be honest. Want to be together tonight and ignore all this completely just for the night?
Narc: I think we can do that...
Hyde: K. Am on my way.
And so it goes... And so-- I went.
On Wednesday we went to Battery Park to feed his favorite ducks. We got sandwiches from the Bouley bakery and sat in the shade and ate them. I had a great voice lesson later that afternoon. And I had sushi with Bezoukhoff for dinner. Back at my place, Bezoukhoff and I listened to "Miss Saigon" and joked about putting up an online dating profile for me.
"What the fuck?" I said. "Maybe I should just do it."
So... I did. But honestly, you guys-- I don't think I'm ready for that. Not in the middle of all this.
Anyway, at around 12:30 AM, Narc texted me that he was downstairs at Cheers. So, Bezoukhoff and I went to meet him. They are trying out something new-- "Rock Band" on Wednesday nights. Narc and I did two numbers-- he on voice and I on guitar.
Deee-niii-aaall!!!!
So-- he came back to my place and kicked back and I heated up food for him and slept in his arms and swallowed those feelings of degradation and rejection and lived in the moment as much as I could.
Thursday was an interesting day. I worked for a really long time on my paper, B and I saw Iron Man (for the second time) and I went to the history department party at school. I saw Hammer there-- I haven't seen her in ages!! I chatted with my advisor for a while and played some trivia with Bezoukhoff's new crew of friends in the department. Afterwards I went out for drinks with them. Bezoukhoff, just having broken up with his girlfriend of six years, seems to have found new love in our department! He was romancing a girl (I have to choose a name for!) and I chatted with a few of the students that I didn't know very well. We headed across the street and did a few karaoke songs, and that was fun. From there I went uptown to my AA group's anniversary watch for one of our members. I ended up talking to a newcomer for a long time at the diner.
Anyway, I didn't talk to Narc that night, as he went to a taping of The Daily Show and then out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I actually had a voice mail from him when I woke up-- one that he left while wasted, at around 7:00 AM.
But Friday was a work day for me. I worked and worked. I went to the New York Public Library and worked and worked. It sucked, lugging my laptop around in the rain. Then, that night I went to an AA meeting on the Upper West Side. Afterwards, I went out for dinner with a big group. We went to Ruby Foo's to celebrate Cherubino's 4-year anniversary. Narc texted me a few times, but I told him I wasn't free until later.
Back at my place, I talked to another newcomer on the phone for a long time and then went downstairs to meet NDN's new girlfriend. She seems really nice. The two of them went up to some little bed and breakfast on the Hudson this weekend, so we'll have to see how all of that develops. I hung out with them until just after 1:00 AM. Narc was out with CouchSleeper at that point and invited me to join them.
I did. I met them at "Grace" in Tribeca and we hung out there until around 3:30 AM or so. CouchSleeper got pretty drunk and was singing tunes from West Side Story. He used to be a professional horn player and even played in a production of Aida, which he had me listen to on his iPod.
Back at Narc's place, I took a shower and then we had super, amazing sex, which only made me sad because it all has to end. I know that we love each other-- it was the kind of amazing sex you can only have once you love each other-- but it has to end.
I don't think we got to sleep until after 6:00 AM!
Anyway, today I had a lot more work to do on my paper. While I was still at his place earlier in the day, his friend J-- some girl that lives in his building-- came down to watch Point Break.
"Are you guys open-minded?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, sure..."
"Want some?"
She took out a bag of coke and waved it in the air. Oh my fucking god, my stomach flipped over. I've been around a lot of alcohol since I've been sober, but the coke plucked some wire or nerve in my brain. It was boring into me.
"No thanks," I said.
"Yeah, none for me either," Narc half-laughed. "Hyde is on the straight and narrow and I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe I'll have a bump later or something, but none for now."
The idea of Narc doing coke later made me feel sick. I worry about him. He's really out of shape and had that blood clot problem that landed him in the hospital. I swear, he's going to kill himself. (My therapist asked me if that's what I'm waiting for).
His friend seemed embarrassed and put it back into her purse, but I couldn't forget that it was there. I had to get out.
"I don't think I'll get too much work done with the movie on," I said. "I better take off."
So... I did. It was a good thing. I had a lot of work to do anyway.
Tonight it's raining and I'm safe and sound in my house. But I know that he's out with his friend Robyn and CouchSleeper again and it makes me feel uneasy. All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong-- dis-ease.
But I don't want to stare that gulf in the face again. It scared the shit out of me.
I love him I hate him I love him I hate him.
Fuck it. It's not about him. I'm scared. And I love Status Quo.
-h-
Anyway-- how to make a long story short? I caved in short order. I didn't talk to or hear from Narc at all on Monday or Tuesday. By Tuesday night I felt sick. Tuesday was a strange day overall. My cab got in a little accident on my way to teach. I walked from teaching to AA, across Central Park and bumped into another woman from my home group who kept me company. It's weird-- I was feeling grounded and calm on the one hand (perhaps the effect of my sobriety anniversary) and I also felt angry and more and more sure that this thing with Narc is over and not what I want. But it all brought on a new sort of terror that rolled over me in waves. I felt like I was standing in front of an enormous gaping void, or being asked to walk off of some kind of cliff and believe that I wouldn't fall. I was anxious and nauseated and sad.
I don't like being uncomfortable.
I was watching American Idol. David Cook started to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and I started to bawl. So... on an impulse I called. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Instead, he texted me back.
Narc: Just saw missed call. What's up?
Hyde: I don't know. Just wanted to talk to you. Don't know what I was going to say. Guess I miss you. Watching Idol...
Narc: Miss you too, but unfortunately don't know if I have anything new to say or offer you...
Hyde: :( This sucks. I hate it. I have been sad all day.
Narc: I know it sucks but don't know what else to say... Wish you were here. Burying myself in GTA otherwise for the distraction
Hyde: I love you.
Narc: Love you too.
(A few minutes went by while I cried some more)
Narc: E's people turned us down today as well. Alas. No London.
Hyde: I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not doing too well, to be honest. Want to be together tonight and ignore all this completely just for the night?
Narc: I think we can do that...
Hyde: K. Am on my way.
And so it goes... And so-- I went.
On Wednesday we went to Battery Park to feed his favorite ducks. We got sandwiches from the Bouley bakery and sat in the shade and ate them. I had a great voice lesson later that afternoon. And I had sushi with Bezoukhoff for dinner. Back at my place, Bezoukhoff and I listened to "Miss Saigon" and joked about putting up an online dating profile for me.
"What the fuck?" I said. "Maybe I should just do it."
So... I did. But honestly, you guys-- I don't think I'm ready for that. Not in the middle of all this.
Anyway, at around 12:30 AM, Narc texted me that he was downstairs at Cheers. So, Bezoukhoff and I went to meet him. They are trying out something new-- "Rock Band" on Wednesday nights. Narc and I did two numbers-- he on voice and I on guitar.
Deee-niii-aaall!!!!
So-- he came back to my place and kicked back and I heated up food for him and slept in his arms and swallowed those feelings of degradation and rejection and lived in the moment as much as I could.
Thursday was an interesting day. I worked for a really long time on my paper, B and I saw Iron Man (for the second time) and I went to the history department party at school. I saw Hammer there-- I haven't seen her in ages!! I chatted with my advisor for a while and played some trivia with Bezoukhoff's new crew of friends in the department. Afterwards I went out for drinks with them. Bezoukhoff, just having broken up with his girlfriend of six years, seems to have found new love in our department! He was romancing a girl (I have to choose a name for!) and I chatted with a few of the students that I didn't know very well. We headed across the street and did a few karaoke songs, and that was fun. From there I went uptown to my AA group's anniversary watch for one of our members. I ended up talking to a newcomer for a long time at the diner.
Anyway, I didn't talk to Narc that night, as he went to a taping of The Daily Show and then out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I actually had a voice mail from him when I woke up-- one that he left while wasted, at around 7:00 AM.
But Friday was a work day for me. I worked and worked. I went to the New York Public Library and worked and worked. It sucked, lugging my laptop around in the rain. Then, that night I went to an AA meeting on the Upper West Side. Afterwards, I went out for dinner with a big group. We went to Ruby Foo's to celebrate Cherubino's 4-year anniversary. Narc texted me a few times, but I told him I wasn't free until later.
Back at my place, I talked to another newcomer on the phone for a long time and then went downstairs to meet NDN's new girlfriend. She seems really nice. The two of them went up to some little bed and breakfast on the Hudson this weekend, so we'll have to see how all of that develops. I hung out with them until just after 1:00 AM. Narc was out with CouchSleeper at that point and invited me to join them.
I did. I met them at "Grace" in Tribeca and we hung out there until around 3:30 AM or so. CouchSleeper got pretty drunk and was singing tunes from West Side Story. He used to be a professional horn player and even played in a production of Aida, which he had me listen to on his iPod.
Back at Narc's place, I took a shower and then we had super, amazing sex, which only made me sad because it all has to end. I know that we love each other-- it was the kind of amazing sex you can only have once you love each other-- but it has to end.
I don't think we got to sleep until after 6:00 AM!
Anyway, today I had a lot more work to do on my paper. While I was still at his place earlier in the day, his friend J-- some girl that lives in his building-- came down to watch Point Break.
"Are you guys open-minded?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, sure..."
"Want some?"
She took out a bag of coke and waved it in the air. Oh my fucking god, my stomach flipped over. I've been around a lot of alcohol since I've been sober, but the coke plucked some wire or nerve in my brain. It was boring into me.
"No thanks," I said.
"Yeah, none for me either," Narc half-laughed. "Hyde is on the straight and narrow and I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe I'll have a bump later or something, but none for now."
The idea of Narc doing coke later made me feel sick. I worry about him. He's really out of shape and had that blood clot problem that landed him in the hospital. I swear, he's going to kill himself. (My therapist asked me if that's what I'm waiting for).
His friend seemed embarrassed and put it back into her purse, but I couldn't forget that it was there. I had to get out.
"I don't think I'll get too much work done with the movie on," I said. "I better take off."
So... I did. It was a good thing. I had a lot of work to do anyway.
Tonight it's raining and I'm safe and sound in my house. But I know that he's out with his friend Robyn and CouchSleeper again and it makes me feel uneasy. All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong-- dis-ease.
But I don't want to stare that gulf in the face again. It scared the shit out of me.
I love him I hate him I love him I hate him.
Fuck it. It's not about him. I'm scared. And I love Status Quo.
-h-
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Litmus Test
So, it was an eventful weekend-- the end to an eventful week. On Saturday evening, I was heading out to Jake's birthday dinner when I made a pit-stop at the ATM. It wouldn't let me withdraw any money, telling me that I had "exceeded the daily limit." The only problem? I hadn't left my house that day. After an hour or so on the phone with Chase it turns out that someone in China had been stealing my money for two days and had taken about $1000. I still can't access my own bank account. It sucks.
In any case, I continued on and met Jake and his friends for dinner and then drinks at Forbidden City, followed by a stroll around the East Village, ending up at a dismal karaoke place on St. Mark's. The whole time I was anxious about the fact that Narc was ignoring me on his birthday. I had made it abundantly clear at least half a dozen times in the last month or so that it was important to me to be invited out this year and that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't invite me. The last few times I mentioned it, he told me that he didn't have anything planned for his birthday.
He was out Friday night and never answered my birthday text. I wrote again on Saturday morning and he never answered. I wrote again at around 4:00 PM that I was worried about him. That time he answered, telling me that he was getting lunch with CouchSleeper and would call later. I texted again around 9:00 PM and then again at around 11:00 PM, this time writing that "I guess he didn't want to meet up after all." I was sick about it though. I had been waiting for quite some time to see how he would handle his birthday.
At around 12:30 AM, I went into the bathroom at Forbidden City and called him. Obviously, he didn't pick up.
"It's me," I said. "And I have to tell you-- I'm really disappointed. You knew how important it was for me to see you on your birthday, or at least to get a phone call, and... Well, I don't know what else there is to say about it, except that I'm sad and very, very disappointed. I can't do this anymore, Narc. I don't want to have this conversation with myself in a voice mail and certainly not on your birthday, but we need to talk. This isn't working for me. We really need to talk."
At least I managed, somehow, to have a good time with Jake and the others. At the end of the night, it was just me and Jake, and P and her fiancee. P is a friend from college that I rarely ever see. I'm more in touch with her through other people. Jake and I made a pact that if we're both still single at 45 that we would marry each other.
"My 45 or your 45?" I asked (as he's a few years older than I am).
"Your 45," he said.
"Fine."
I thought it was funny.
Anyway, we all got a slice of pizza, went to the karaoke place and then I headed home at around 2:00 AM.
I'm sure you can guess what happened next.
At 2:30 AM or so, Narc called. He was wasted. I was furious.
"What do you want?" I asked.
He wanted to come up to my place. I told him "no." He said he was coming anyway. I told him not to and that I would tell my doorman not to let him in. I was FURIOUS.
We started to fight.
"Fuck you, Hyde!" he said.
"No! Fuck YOU!!!"
I hung up the phone on him. He called back. The whole thing repeated three or four times.
"It's no big deal," he said. "I was just out with CouchSleeper, Mike and LAGirl. I want to see YOU now. I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you."
"You have to be KIDDING me!" I exclaimed. "You were out with LAGirl? Is this a fucking joke? I don't even care anymore, Narc. Get the fuck away from me."
I hung up on him again. He sent me a text. It was after 3:00 AM.
Don't ever talk to me again. Ever. You dumb fucking whore, he wrote.
I didn't answer him.
He called a few minutes later.
I didn't pick up.
"Hyde, what's going on?" he slurred in his message. "This is not a fucking big deal..." He went on like that for a while.
I ignored it and went to sleep.
The next day I headed out to Long Island for Mother's day. He called and texted mid-afternoon, saying "Give a call when you can," but I continued to ignore him. I didn't want to let him interrupt my time with my family. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sick. I was still furious. Finally!!! The anger has arrived!
I had a lovely afternoon with my family and got back to the city at around 9:00 PM. I called him.
"So... what were we fighting about last night?" he asked.
"You're going to act like you don't remember?"
"I don't."
"So, you don't remember calling me a 'dumb fucking whore'?"
"Oh... I did? Why was I mad?"
"That's all you have to say?"
"What else do you want me to say? I was drunk!"
"How about: Oh my god, I can't believe I called you that! I'm SORRY."
"Whatever, Hyde-- I was drunk. It doesn't count. It doesn't mean anything."
"Whatever."
I told him why I was upset-- about the birthday, about the fact that I had told him over and over and over and over and over that it hurts my feelings not to be invited, about the fact that it hurts even more that he invited LAGirl.
"I didn't invite her. She invited herself... she just called me."
"I called you too! But you ignored me all day!!!"
He got defensive, arguing everything he could think of from "you wouldn't have wanted to be there, we were drinking" to "I didn't make any plans, it just happened" to "I don't have to justify myself to you!" to "I don't owe you anything-- it was MY birthday!"
I just stayed calm and kept repeating my point-- that even if it was thoughtlessness and not cruelty, that thoughtlessness was the problem-- that he couldn't/wouldn't ever consider my feelings. I reminded him that I found girls' phone numbers on bar-napkins in his kitchen and that I knew that LAGirl had been at his place on Thursday and he never mentioned it to me.
"And as for your birthday," I went on, "If I were your girlfriend, you would have invited me," I said.
"Obviously. But you're not!!"
"That's exactly my point, Narc. This makes no sense. You've made a commitment not to have sex with anyone else; I sleep with you almost every night; I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me; we've been together for four years. This makes no sense!!"
"I don't know, Hyde. I DO love you, but I love a lot of my friends."
"You don't love me differently than you love your other friends?"
"No. Well, sort of... But, you're not a priority. You're not the focus of my life. I mean, I thought we had this chill thing between us."
"We have such different experiences of this relationship, it's ridiculous," I laughed. "And there's no point in arguing or debating. The bottom line is that I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what?"
"I can't be with you anymore unless I'm your girlfriend. I need the honor, respect, recognition, security and all of it that comes with being your 'girlfriend.' Do you think I'd be jealous of LAGirl if you told her that you had a girlfriend?"
"She knows you exist," he said.
"Yeah-- that you're fucking some girl? Nice."
"I love you and I want you in my life," he said.
"Me too. But I'm done with this."
He got angry and accused me of manipulating him-- of trying to force his hand with another ultimatum.
"I'm not!" I insisted. "I love you. I honestly want you to be happy. I want you to make right choices for you. I don't want to force anyone to be my boyfriend. I'm just saying that this is horrible for my self esteem. I feel like I'm not good enough for you."
"I'm the one who's not good enough for YOU!" he said. "I can't give you what you want-- we have different goals for the future."
"Narc, this is killing me and it has to stop. I have to take care of myself. It's my responsibility. And as I see it, we have three choices-- keep the status quo--"
"Which keeps you in pain," he interjected.
"Stop seeing each other,"
"Which would be incredibly painful for both of us," he said.
"Or change the situation to make it bearable for me."
He was quiet.
"I don't know what that means or what I can do."
"I want a boyfriend Narc."
He kept trying to convince me to see him that night. He knows that he owes me money and my account is blocked, so he said he wanted to pay me back.
"I don't know," I said. "I'll call you later and let you know."
We hung up the phone shortly after that. Then he texted me, about an hour later.
Narc: So...What's the plan?
Hyde: I think I need to wait until we work this out. My self-esteem needs it. You could just mail me the money? Or drop it with my doorman when you can...?
Narc: Are you sure? I mean, going to see you again at some point soon anyway... Don't like the thought of you not having money.
Hyde: Yeah. I'm sure. This situation and my feelings about you and me are way more important to me than immediate money. If I run out, I can prob borrow from NDN...
Narc: Ok, will miss sleeping next to you tonight.
Hyde: Will miss you too. But please just give it all some thought. The more I sit with it, the clearer everything is becoming.
Narc: I can think about it, but I just don't know if I'll come up with anything.
Hyde: If you can't you can't. You can only do what's right for you. But let me know. I can only do what's right for me.
Narc: Well, I know I love you and am feeling lonely and wish you were here now. That' s about it...
Hyde; Me too.
Then, half an hour later:
Narc: Also, those phone numbers and e-mail addresses you saw were three-- two girls and one guy, all of whom I met as a group, just to clarify...
Hyde: Ok.
And that was it.
Yesterday I went to the library all day and gave a presentation in my class that night. Today is the last day of teaching classes, although I still have to give the final exams.
But, his birthday. I wanted so badly for him not to disappoint me. I told him over and over and over before it got here, hoping he would get the point. It was a litmus test for me and he failed.
This may be the end. I wonder when it will resolve. I'm not going to call him. I wonder when I'll hear from him.
love,
h
In any case, I continued on and met Jake and his friends for dinner and then drinks at Forbidden City, followed by a stroll around the East Village, ending up at a dismal karaoke place on St. Mark's. The whole time I was anxious about the fact that Narc was ignoring me on his birthday. I had made it abundantly clear at least half a dozen times in the last month or so that it was important to me to be invited out this year and that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't invite me. The last few times I mentioned it, he told me that he didn't have anything planned for his birthday.
He was out Friday night and never answered my birthday text. I wrote again on Saturday morning and he never answered. I wrote again at around 4:00 PM that I was worried about him. That time he answered, telling me that he was getting lunch with CouchSleeper and would call later. I texted again around 9:00 PM and then again at around 11:00 PM, this time writing that "I guess he didn't want to meet up after all." I was sick about it though. I had been waiting for quite some time to see how he would handle his birthday.
At around 12:30 AM, I went into the bathroom at Forbidden City and called him. Obviously, he didn't pick up.
"It's me," I said. "And I have to tell you-- I'm really disappointed. You knew how important it was for me to see you on your birthday, or at least to get a phone call, and... Well, I don't know what else there is to say about it, except that I'm sad and very, very disappointed. I can't do this anymore, Narc. I don't want to have this conversation with myself in a voice mail and certainly not on your birthday, but we need to talk. This isn't working for me. We really need to talk."
At least I managed, somehow, to have a good time with Jake and the others. At the end of the night, it was just me and Jake, and P and her fiancee. P is a friend from college that I rarely ever see. I'm more in touch with her through other people. Jake and I made a pact that if we're both still single at 45 that we would marry each other.
"My 45 or your 45?" I asked (as he's a few years older than I am).
"Your 45," he said.
"Fine."
I thought it was funny.
Anyway, we all got a slice of pizza, went to the karaoke place and then I headed home at around 2:00 AM.
I'm sure you can guess what happened next.
At 2:30 AM or so, Narc called. He was wasted. I was furious.
"What do you want?" I asked.
He wanted to come up to my place. I told him "no." He said he was coming anyway. I told him not to and that I would tell my doorman not to let him in. I was FURIOUS.
We started to fight.
"Fuck you, Hyde!" he said.
"No! Fuck YOU!!!"
I hung up the phone on him. He called back. The whole thing repeated three or four times.
"It's no big deal," he said. "I was just out with CouchSleeper, Mike and LAGirl. I want to see YOU now. I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you."
"You have to be KIDDING me!" I exclaimed. "You were out with LAGirl? Is this a fucking joke? I don't even care anymore, Narc. Get the fuck away from me."
I hung up on him again. He sent me a text. It was after 3:00 AM.
Don't ever talk to me again. Ever. You dumb fucking whore, he wrote.
I didn't answer him.
He called a few minutes later.
I didn't pick up.
"Hyde, what's going on?" he slurred in his message. "This is not a fucking big deal..." He went on like that for a while.
I ignored it and went to sleep.
The next day I headed out to Long Island for Mother's day. He called and texted mid-afternoon, saying "Give a call when you can," but I continued to ignore him. I didn't want to let him interrupt my time with my family. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sick. I was still furious. Finally!!! The anger has arrived!
I had a lovely afternoon with my family and got back to the city at around 9:00 PM. I called him.
"So... what were we fighting about last night?" he asked.
"You're going to act like you don't remember?"
"I don't."
"So, you don't remember calling me a 'dumb fucking whore'?"
"Oh... I did? Why was I mad?"
"That's all you have to say?"
"What else do you want me to say? I was drunk!"
"How about: Oh my god, I can't believe I called you that! I'm SORRY."
"Whatever, Hyde-- I was drunk. It doesn't count. It doesn't mean anything."
"Whatever."
I told him why I was upset-- about the birthday, about the fact that I had told him over and over and over and over and over that it hurts my feelings not to be invited, about the fact that it hurts even more that he invited LAGirl.
"I didn't invite her. She invited herself... she just called me."
"I called you too! But you ignored me all day!!!"
He got defensive, arguing everything he could think of from "you wouldn't have wanted to be there, we were drinking" to "I didn't make any plans, it just happened" to "I don't have to justify myself to you!" to "I don't owe you anything-- it was MY birthday!"
I just stayed calm and kept repeating my point-- that even if it was thoughtlessness and not cruelty, that thoughtlessness was the problem-- that he couldn't/wouldn't ever consider my feelings. I reminded him that I found girls' phone numbers on bar-napkins in his kitchen and that I knew that LAGirl had been at his place on Thursday and he never mentioned it to me.
"And as for your birthday," I went on, "If I were your girlfriend, you would have invited me," I said.
"Obviously. But you're not!!"
"That's exactly my point, Narc. This makes no sense. You've made a commitment not to have sex with anyone else; I sleep with you almost every night; I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me; we've been together for four years. This makes no sense!!"
"I don't know, Hyde. I DO love you, but I love a lot of my friends."
"You don't love me differently than you love your other friends?"
"No. Well, sort of... But, you're not a priority. You're not the focus of my life. I mean, I thought we had this chill thing between us."
"We have such different experiences of this relationship, it's ridiculous," I laughed. "And there's no point in arguing or debating. The bottom line is that I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what?"
"I can't be with you anymore unless I'm your girlfriend. I need the honor, respect, recognition, security and all of it that comes with being your 'girlfriend.' Do you think I'd be jealous of LAGirl if you told her that you had a girlfriend?"
"She knows you exist," he said.
"Yeah-- that you're fucking some girl? Nice."
"I love you and I want you in my life," he said.
"Me too. But I'm done with this."
He got angry and accused me of manipulating him-- of trying to force his hand with another ultimatum.
"I'm not!" I insisted. "I love you. I honestly want you to be happy. I want you to make right choices for you. I don't want to force anyone to be my boyfriend. I'm just saying that this is horrible for my self esteem. I feel like I'm not good enough for you."
"I'm the one who's not good enough for YOU!" he said. "I can't give you what you want-- we have different goals for the future."
"Narc, this is killing me and it has to stop. I have to take care of myself. It's my responsibility. And as I see it, we have three choices-- keep the status quo--"
"Which keeps you in pain," he interjected.
"Stop seeing each other,"
"Which would be incredibly painful for both of us," he said.
"Or change the situation to make it bearable for me."
He was quiet.
"I don't know what that means or what I can do."
"I want a boyfriend Narc."
He kept trying to convince me to see him that night. He knows that he owes me money and my account is blocked, so he said he wanted to pay me back.
"I don't know," I said. "I'll call you later and let you know."
We hung up the phone shortly after that. Then he texted me, about an hour later.
Narc: So...What's the plan?
Hyde: I think I need to wait until we work this out. My self-esteem needs it. You could just mail me the money? Or drop it with my doorman when you can...?
Narc: Are you sure? I mean, going to see you again at some point soon anyway... Don't like the thought of you not having money.
Hyde: Yeah. I'm sure. This situation and my feelings about you and me are way more important to me than immediate money. If I run out, I can prob borrow from NDN...
Narc: Ok, will miss sleeping next to you tonight.
Hyde: Will miss you too. But please just give it all some thought. The more I sit with it, the clearer everything is becoming.
Narc: I can think about it, but I just don't know if I'll come up with anything.
Hyde: If you can't you can't. You can only do what's right for you. But let me know. I can only do what's right for me.
Narc: Well, I know I love you and am feeling lonely and wish you were here now. That' s about it...
Hyde; Me too.
Then, half an hour later:
Narc: Also, those phone numbers and e-mail addresses you saw were three-- two girls and one guy, all of whom I met as a group, just to clarify...
Hyde: Ok.
And that was it.
Yesterday I went to the library all day and gave a presentation in my class that night. Today is the last day of teaching classes, although I still have to give the final exams.
But, his birthday. I wanted so badly for him not to disappoint me. I told him over and over and over before it got here, hoping he would get the point. It was a litmus test for me and he failed.
This may be the end. I wonder when it will resolve. I'm not going to call him. I wonder when I'll hear from him.
love,
h
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Happenings
Congratulations to me-- yesterday was the two year anniversary of my sobriety.
I spent most of the day working on a paper at Narc's place; then I went to a meeting and then my best friends all met at a diner on the Upper West Side to mark the occasion. It was a great night, despite the rain.
Wednesday was the anniversary of when my dad passed away. A tough day altogether. I woke up at Narc's, left him on the Lower East Side in a cab, took the Circle Line Cruise to be reflective on the water, had a voice lesson, prayed, and then Narc came back over here. I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was appreciative. He said he never ate one before. (He also recently told me that he has never slow danced).
Other than that, I am super stressed about wrapping up the semester. Things with Narc and I still aren't good, even though we hang out nearly every day. He is still hanging out with LAGirl and it still makes me sick and sad. Today is his birthday and I texted him last night just after midnight. He hasn't answered and he hasn't called today either. I'm sure he's spending it with his other friends (or maybe even LAGirl-- I know she was at his place the other day) and not with me. Again... sick and sad.
But I don't want to dwell. I'm tired of dwelling.
In other news, B got a full time tenure-track job teaching writing at a local college in the fall; NDN has a girlfriend for the first time in a while; Bezoukhoff broke up with his girlfriend... um... and I guess that's it for the moment.
Just wanted to pop in and say something, even though I am trying to stop dwelling and obsessing! Ok... off to get dressed now. Am going to try to make my own independent plan today, even though it's N's birthday. I'm going to take my laptop to a cafe and work on my paper. Then I'm going to go to the AA meeting tonight. Then, my friend Jake is having a birthday dinner and karaoke thing tonight, so I can always go to that if I'm not too tired. Tomorrow I'm off to Long Island for Mother's Day.
Hope you're all well!
love,
h
I spent most of the day working on a paper at Narc's place; then I went to a meeting and then my best friends all met at a diner on the Upper West Side to mark the occasion. It was a great night, despite the rain.
Wednesday was the anniversary of when my dad passed away. A tough day altogether. I woke up at Narc's, left him on the Lower East Side in a cab, took the Circle Line Cruise to be reflective on the water, had a voice lesson, prayed, and then Narc came back over here. I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was appreciative. He said he never ate one before. (He also recently told me that he has never slow danced).
Other than that, I am super stressed about wrapping up the semester. Things with Narc and I still aren't good, even though we hang out nearly every day. He is still hanging out with LAGirl and it still makes me sick and sad. Today is his birthday and I texted him last night just after midnight. He hasn't answered and he hasn't called today either. I'm sure he's spending it with his other friends (or maybe even LAGirl-- I know she was at his place the other day) and not with me. Again... sick and sad.
But I don't want to dwell. I'm tired of dwelling.
In other news, B got a full time tenure-track job teaching writing at a local college in the fall; NDN has a girlfriend for the first time in a while; Bezoukhoff broke up with his girlfriend... um... and I guess that's it for the moment.
Just wanted to pop in and say something, even though I am trying to stop dwelling and obsessing! Ok... off to get dressed now. Am going to try to make my own independent plan today, even though it's N's birthday. I'm going to take my laptop to a cafe and work on my paper. Then I'm going to go to the AA meeting tonight. Then, my friend Jake is having a birthday dinner and karaoke thing tonight, so I can always go to that if I'm not too tired. Tomorrow I'm off to Long Island for Mother's Day.
Hope you're all well!
love,
h
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Disappearing Hyde
I don't know what to write right now or even how to write about myself. In a way, I think it's better for me to stop chronicling every conversation, every text message, every obsession. I am thinking about starting a new blog that focuses only on my intellectual life and not on my personal life. I need the reinforcement.
Anyway, I've been insanely busy. Last weekend my mom threw a huge birthday party for my stepbrother's 21st birthday. A lot of his old friends came-- from before the accident. It was really nice. That night, Narc came up and we did karaoke at Cheers. The next night I went to a big disco party organized by my AA group. I wore a fabulous '70's dress that I picked up at a thrift shop, along with silver glitter platforms that I bought in Spain when I was 16.
I hung out with Narc almost all week this week. I went for dumplings with him on Sunday afternoon. On Monday we lounged at his place and watched Eyes Wide Shut. It's his favorite movie and he gave me some running commentary. On Tuesday, I taught all day, went to AA and then went back to Narc's. On Wednesday we went to see the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. I smelled the lilacs and we strolled around the Japanese pond. From there I went straight to a voice lesson (where I worked on "Ritorna vincitor") and then to yoga and then to my Flamenco class. (Planta, tacon, golpe!) Then at midnight, I met Narc and his friend Alexandra at Cercle Rouge. She was pretty drunk. He and I hung out and ate dinner and then I watched him play some "Grand Theft Auto IV" and we watched the Idol results.
Um... so, that's it for now. I'm back in my office, having just taught one class on the Holocaust. I may be here a little less often. Like I said-- I don't think it's helpful right now for me to indulge in my obsessive thinking. There's so much going on this month-- all of my writing deadlines, the anniversary of my dad's death (on May 7th), my sobriety anniversary (on May 9th), Narc's birthday (on May 10th), Mother's Day (on May 11th), and oh yeah-- ALL OF MY WRITING DEADLINES. I'm a little stressed.
But I hope you are all happy and healthy out in Blogland. I am in surprisingly good spirits.
love,
h
PS: James actually is moving to LA (this week, I think), and apparently his mom has set him up with some gig as a male escort. Oy...
Anyway, I've been insanely busy. Last weekend my mom threw a huge birthday party for my stepbrother's 21st birthday. A lot of his old friends came-- from before the accident. It was really nice. That night, Narc came up and we did karaoke at Cheers. The next night I went to a big disco party organized by my AA group. I wore a fabulous '70's dress that I picked up at a thrift shop, along with silver glitter platforms that I bought in Spain when I was 16.
I hung out with Narc almost all week this week. I went for dumplings with him on Sunday afternoon. On Monday we lounged at his place and watched Eyes Wide Shut. It's his favorite movie and he gave me some running commentary. On Tuesday, I taught all day, went to AA and then went back to Narc's. On Wednesday we went to see the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. I smelled the lilacs and we strolled around the Japanese pond. From there I went straight to a voice lesson (where I worked on "Ritorna vincitor") and then to yoga and then to my Flamenco class. (Planta, tacon, golpe!) Then at midnight, I met Narc and his friend Alexandra at Cercle Rouge. She was pretty drunk. He and I hung out and ate dinner and then I watched him play some "Grand Theft Auto IV" and we watched the Idol results.
Um... so, that's it for now. I'm back in my office, having just taught one class on the Holocaust. I may be here a little less often. Like I said-- I don't think it's helpful right now for me to indulge in my obsessive thinking. There's so much going on this month-- all of my writing deadlines, the anniversary of my dad's death (on May 7th), my sobriety anniversary (on May 9th), Narc's birthday (on May 10th), Mother's Day (on May 11th), and oh yeah-- ALL OF MY WRITING DEADLINES. I'm a little stressed.
But I hope you are all happy and healthy out in Blogland. I am in surprisingly good spirits.
love,
h
PS: James actually is moving to LA (this week, I think), and apparently his mom has set him up with some gig as a male escort. Oy...
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