Lots and lots has been going on. I gave him an ultimatum and a few days to decide-- make a commitment and be in a "relationship" with me, or I'm done. I can not do this LA-Girl thing. It's just not going to happen.
Oh-- and I finished all twelve steps. Huzzah!
Off to sing in a recital tonight. Feeling pretty in my clothes.
love,
h
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Plan A
I'm in a pretty good mood today. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm running on only four hours of sleep. I like teaching the start of World War I. It's like watching some enormous vicious man-eating flower unfold, petal by petal.
The other day I got an email from another woman who studies voice with my voice teacher. She said that she knows me from Columbia-- that we sang together in the Opera Ensemble when we were undergrads. Her name was unfamiliar to me, but I went onto Facebook to look her up, and I sort of remember her. She's also listed as friends with my friend, NiS. But here's the weirder part-- she's friends with the Smolderer! That creepy guy who used to hit on me in Cheers! It is so completely random. Sometimes NY is such a small village.
Anyway, it's been a nice week (that is, if I ignore its undertones. But, I've got plenty of practice with that!). On Tuesday night after my long day and after AA, I ended up going back down to Narc's place. I didn't get there until 12:30 AM or so, as I was on the phone with my mom forever. She was telling me some story about how she and my stepfather just bought a winning lotto ticket on their trip to Puerto Rico and that she wants to give her winnings ($200 or so) to the woman who was cleaning the town square in whatever town they were visiting.
On Wednesday morning, Narc and I ate lunch at Mocca and then headed back to Chinatown to see if we could figure out what to do with my busted PS2. The guys in the shop said that they wouldn't be able to fix it, but they were selling used Playstation 2's for $95. That was way more than I wanted to spend, but since I already had AV cables and controllers, they said they'd bring it down to $60. Narc had some games he wanted to sell back, so he contributed them to my fund. I ended up walking out of there with a "new" used PS2 and a copy of Okami all for the cost of $37!!
From there he went off to do his martial arts class (I'm so proud of him for finally going!) and I went straight to therapy. I love therapy so much these days. I wish I could go every day! After that I had a voice lesson in which I worked endlessly to float that damn B-flat. It is right on my break. My voice kept wanting to flip up and sing a C.
"I've never met a voice that wanted to sing a high-C more than yours!" my voice teacher exclaimed.
I've got to practice this a million more times if I'm going to brave it on Sunday night. I can sing a B-flat at full volume, no problem. It's the floating it that's hard for me.
Anyway, after that, I originally planned to go to AA, but instead decided to come home to finish grading midterms. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I got side tracked by trying out God of War. It was awesome. Granted, I was playing on the "easy" level, but I defeated the three-headed Hydra and passed level-1 all by myself. I was very proud. But it was also an enormous waste of time. By the time I put the controller down, it was already 10:30 PM and I hadn't even started the grading.
I went down to NDN's place, had a couple of bites of old Chinese food for dinner, got a quick update on the happenings in his life, and then set about grading exams while he did whatever work he had to do. Narc texted me at around 11:00 PM. He said he wanted to come up to my place. (Twice in one week? Ok...) But while NDN was on the phone with American Express, I got another text from Narc that he was having a Guinness night-cap at Cheers. I dashed off to meet him.
He was a little bit tipsy when I got there, having just come from drinks with friends. But he was in a good mood-- a better mood than I've seen him in for a long time. And I loved it. I just love him. PumpedUp was there and thanked me for the birthday card. He greeted Narc; I felt a tinge of discomfort, remembering all of the tales he has heard about me and Narc over the years. But, whatever... Narc and I went outside to smoke. I was freezing, as I had run across the street with no coat. Narc gave me his. It was sweet.
Before long, NDN came down to join us. He and Narc debated the merits of Full Metal Jacket and the origins of that new movie 21. Narc had a few more beers and then we headed back home. (Did I mention that I love him? I forgot what it was like to be out with him at a bar, with him in "public" mode. I miss it!). I picked up my exams at NDN's place and finished grading half while Narc played a little God of War. Who knows-- maybe he'll be more willing to come to my place more often now that I have the PS2.
Last night was just awesome. I loved being with him. I felt super close to him when we were intimate. It was just beautiful and perfect.
We didn't get to bed until around 4:00 AM, though. And this morning I had to wake up at 8:00 AM to resume grading. I promised my students their midterms back. Thankfully I got them done-- and in time to have some morning sex too. All is well with the world, except that I have to go get some Plan B.
What was Plan A again? Denial?
Anyway, that's it for now.
love,
h
The other day I got an email from another woman who studies voice with my voice teacher. She said that she knows me from Columbia-- that we sang together in the Opera Ensemble when we were undergrads. Her name was unfamiliar to me, but I went onto Facebook to look her up, and I sort of remember her. She's also listed as friends with my friend, NiS. But here's the weirder part-- she's friends with the Smolderer! That creepy guy who used to hit on me in Cheers! It is so completely random. Sometimes NY is such a small village.
Anyway, it's been a nice week (that is, if I ignore its undertones. But, I've got plenty of practice with that!). On Tuesday night after my long day and after AA, I ended up going back down to Narc's place. I didn't get there until 12:30 AM or so, as I was on the phone with my mom forever. She was telling me some story about how she and my stepfather just bought a winning lotto ticket on their trip to Puerto Rico and that she wants to give her winnings ($200 or so) to the woman who was cleaning the town square in whatever town they were visiting.
On Wednesday morning, Narc and I ate lunch at Mocca and then headed back to Chinatown to see if we could figure out what to do with my busted PS2. The guys in the shop said that they wouldn't be able to fix it, but they were selling used Playstation 2's for $95. That was way more than I wanted to spend, but since I already had AV cables and controllers, they said they'd bring it down to $60. Narc had some games he wanted to sell back, so he contributed them to my fund. I ended up walking out of there with a "new" used PS2 and a copy of Okami all for the cost of $37!!
From there he went off to do his martial arts class (I'm so proud of him for finally going!) and I went straight to therapy. I love therapy so much these days. I wish I could go every day! After that I had a voice lesson in which I worked endlessly to float that damn B-flat. It is right on my break. My voice kept wanting to flip up and sing a C.
"I've never met a voice that wanted to sing a high-C more than yours!" my voice teacher exclaimed.
I've got to practice this a million more times if I'm going to brave it on Sunday night. I can sing a B-flat at full volume, no problem. It's the floating it that's hard for me.
Anyway, after that, I originally planned to go to AA, but instead decided to come home to finish grading midterms. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I got side tracked by trying out God of War. It was awesome. Granted, I was playing on the "easy" level, but I defeated the three-headed Hydra and passed level-1 all by myself. I was very proud. But it was also an enormous waste of time. By the time I put the controller down, it was already 10:30 PM and I hadn't even started the grading.
I went down to NDN's place, had a couple of bites of old Chinese food for dinner, got a quick update on the happenings in his life, and then set about grading exams while he did whatever work he had to do. Narc texted me at around 11:00 PM. He said he wanted to come up to my place. (Twice in one week? Ok...) But while NDN was on the phone with American Express, I got another text from Narc that he was having a Guinness night-cap at Cheers. I dashed off to meet him.
He was a little bit tipsy when I got there, having just come from drinks with friends. But he was in a good mood-- a better mood than I've seen him in for a long time. And I loved it. I just love him. PumpedUp was there and thanked me for the birthday card. He greeted Narc; I felt a tinge of discomfort, remembering all of the tales he has heard about me and Narc over the years. But, whatever... Narc and I went outside to smoke. I was freezing, as I had run across the street with no coat. Narc gave me his. It was sweet.
Before long, NDN came down to join us. He and Narc debated the merits of Full Metal Jacket and the origins of that new movie 21. Narc had a few more beers and then we headed back home. (Did I mention that I love him? I forgot what it was like to be out with him at a bar, with him in "public" mode. I miss it!). I picked up my exams at NDN's place and finished grading half while Narc played a little God of War. Who knows-- maybe he'll be more willing to come to my place more often now that I have the PS2.
Last night was just awesome. I loved being with him. I felt super close to him when we were intimate. It was just beautiful and perfect.
We didn't get to bed until around 4:00 AM, though. And this morning I had to wake up at 8:00 AM to resume grading. I promised my students their midterms back. Thankfully I got them done-- and in time to have some morning sex too. All is well with the world, except that I have to go get some Plan B.
What was Plan A again? Denial?
Anyway, that's it for now.
love,
h
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Et Resurrexit
So, as usual, I've been confused. But at least I've been confused and busy. There hasn't been that much time to dwell on anything at all.
On Wednesday after that disconcerting and disheartening text exchange with Narc, I headed into my voice lesson and somehow managed to pull off some fabulous singing. When I emerged, I called Bezoukhoff to see if he wanted to meet up. I sang him a rendition of Pace, pace and he noted a considerable improvement in my technique. Yay! After that, I had to recount to him the latest twists and turns in the never ending Narc-saga (de rigeur!), followed by some "comfort" food at the Comfort Diner. Once back at my apartment, we enjoyed some youtube entertainment (including this gem) and ordered an English-subtitled DVD set of Schtirlitz (whom I once wrote about here). As for Narc? Despite that afternoon's text-drama, he sent me a few "normal" texts that night-- prosaic commentary about HBO's In Treatment, and that sort of thing.
The next day was a long one. Bezoukhoff had given me some new and interesting ideas for a paper, so I set about pulling articles to read while administering midterm exams. (Trotsky calling Stalin a Bonapartist and all that jazz...) At least teaching didn't require the boundless reams of energy as usual. All I had to do was sit there and read those articles while my students took their exams. Still, the day seemed to stretch on eternally. By the time I got to AA, I was wiped out, craving home and a hot shower like never before. As for Narc? He had texted me in the afternoon, seeking my company. However, as I was busy all day, I promised to call when AA was through. He was at Blaue Gans and invited me down. I re-dressed, dried my hair, applied my makeup, packed an overnight bag and eventually made it out of my house.
When I got there, Narc was sitting at the bar. He was wearing a rose colored shirt, a tiny cordial glass set in front of him. He was disappointed that I had just missed his friend the Shark.
That's odd, I thought. He has never wanted me to meet the Shark before... Stop over-analyzing, Hyde!
"I'm curious what you would think of him," he said. "You two are such complete and utter opposites. You're two totally different aspects of my life."
"Really? How so?" I asked. "How are we opposites?"
"Well, the Shark is super aggressive," he explained. "He cuts people up and cuts people down for the fun of it. That's why he's so good in the court room. This guy is all about making money. He used to be a fierce rugby player. You can see it-- he's huge; he's intense and he's got this shaved head... Anyway, all of that competitiveness is now everywhere in his regular life."
"And how would you describe me?" I smiled.
"You? You're very soft, Hyde."
"Soft?"
"Pliable. You're flexible for people, warm, nurturing. You're a caretaker. Not competitive at all. Your energy is inviting and sweet. I can't picture you on a 'stage' like the Shark's courtroom. That is, unless maybe it's singing opera."
"Don't forget that I teach," I laughed. "I'm on a stage several times a week. And as for being pliable and flexible? Most people would say I'm super stubborn!"
"I didn't mean being soft was a bad thing," he scoffed. "I just meant that you're really nurturing and put yourself out there."
"No, I know that Narc. I'm just saying, it's interesting because I'm not like that in every part of my life. I'm definitely like that with you though. I guess we all ever know just a part of each other... To be honest, I have no idea how I'd sum you up if someone ever asked!"
He had clearly had a few drinks, although he wasn't drunk. I ordered a diet coke and waited for him to finish the one in front of him. It smelled like pine trees.
"I'm just in a strange mood today," he said. "I've been crying all afternoon."
"Crying? What happened?"
That was certainly out of left field!
"Just a memory that came up, that's all. I want to tell you about it, but not here. Not now. It's just been a depressing week."
"Yeah, I know. I've been depressed this week too," I said, giving him a certain look. "It hasn't been an easy one."
I wanted to say more, but I didn't. After that, the subject turned. We sat at the bar for a while longer, chatting about a whole slew of things before heading back to his place.
Ah! Thursday night! We were both excited about the new episode of Lost awaiting us. However, before we ever had the chance to turn it on, the conversation turned to Narc's disturbing memory. I don't want to talk about it specifically or in detail, as I don't think that's fair to him, but I can tell you this-- it was certainly strange. He remembered a girl (Allison S.) being bullied by some really horrible boys and Narc did nothing to stop it. As he was telling me this story, he started to cry. His eyes were red and he was choking. I've never seen anything like it. To be honest, I've only ever seen Narc cry once before and that was three years ago. Unsure of how to react, I tried to reassure him that he was just a kid when it happened; I tried to hug him and listen. But this very conversation opened dozens of dark passageways. For both of us, it led to discussion of parents, disappointments, old wounds and childhood in general.
Part of me wonders if it wasn't all just a little bit convenient for this memory to disturb him on that very night. There was clearly a rift between us over LAGirl. I had clearly made my anger and discontent known. And here was something to restore it all back to normal. To make Hyde the "nurturer," the "soft, pliable" lover that I am somehow supposed to be. Whether or not it was intentional, it worked. It called on me to forget my anger. It erased the hard place in my heart that it has taken so long for me to uncover.
In any case, we chain-smoked and talked about the "Allison S. story" for at least a few hours before the darkness lifted and the conversation turned entirely to other things. I told Narc of some strange dreams. The first was about my sister. (Have I told you all that BigSis is pregnant? I found out a few weeks ago, but it was supposed to be a secret until now). Anyway, in my dream, BigSis was driving a car and I was in the passenger seat. She drove us right off a cliff. The car was suspended in the air for quite some time and we were both aware that we were going to die, with only a slight chance of survival.
"Cover your head!" I screamed, thinking of all the brain damage suffered by my stepbrother in his car accident.
"I can't! I have to hold onto the baby!" she called back.
She let go of the wheel and held down on her stomach as tight as she could. I felt really guilty that I was able to cover my head but that she couldn't. I felt guilty and helpless and I waited for the fall.
In a second dream, Narc was interviewing me.
"When is the first time you knew that I meant anything to you?" he asked, with a pen and paper poised.
"Um... August, 2004--right before you disappeared to the Dominican Republic on that so-called 'blind date,'" I said.
He jotted down my answer.
"And when's the first time you knew I meant everything to you?"
"That's easy!" I laughed. "November 19, 2004-- the KGB Bar night."
Anyway, on Thursday night I told him about both of those dreams.
"What's the KGB bar night?" he asked.
"Narc! You know it-- the night we went up on your roof."
I told him the story again. I was a little embarrassed in midst of it, but it felt good to be so honest. I want to have no qualms about making my feelings clear. I think it's important that he knows how I have experienced the past few years-- that my experience of this relationship is different than his, but that it's consistent. That way, he can't think that I'm being "irrational" for feeling pain about this thing with LAGirl; that way, he can't think that his perception is the only perception.
Talking about all of those memories brought up the night that we met. Even that night, we remember differently. He remembers a lot more about the sex than I do; he remembers what we talked about before and after; he remembers every position. I was so high on coke at that point that it's a blur. I remember more about our first conversations in the bar and immediately back at his place. It is all so strange.
In any case, we had sex and then went to bed. He told me that he loves me. I loved it and hated it at once. I felt indulgent, but also guilty for ignoring the part of me that is desperately trying to cling to my anger-- to my truth.
The next morning as I was brushing my teeth, I decided to be bold.
"Can I ask you something?" I began.
"Yeah, sure. What?"
"Um... Is there any particular reason why my toothbrush is back in your cabinet?"
Oh man, did I just say that?
"What do you mean?" he asked, seemingly ruffled. "Didn't you put it there?"
"Um, no, Narc. I always put it back under the sink."
"Does it matter?" he laughed.
This was awkward.
"Don't you remember having a very explicit conversation about it? Don't you remember telling me that my toothbrush had to be kept under the sink, lest it make some kind of statement?"
"Oh. Uh-- yeah, I guess," he muttered. "I mean, at the time I felt like there should just be my toothbrush in there, I guess. But... now it doesn't bother me. I don't know, Hyde..."
"Ok. I was just asking," I said.
Later, we headed over to Megu for lunch-- that fancy Japanese place he took me to a few weeks ago. I told him that I cut my ankle the other day. (I'm sure he saw it the night before anyway). He didn't ask me why. He only told me that he had another friend who struggled with cutting and put it down for years, but then picked up again when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend.
"Yeah, it's hard," I said.
I didn't know what else to say. I don't think he did either. I just didn't want to feel weird about it.
After lunch, I graded papers at his place for a few hours while he watched TV. The evening fell. It was time for another meal.
Narc wanted to find a pint of Guinness, but there are no "proper" Irish pubs in his neighborhood. We walked around for a while in search of one, only to find the sole neighborhood pub closed down for renovations. Finally, we settled on Mai House on Franklin Street.
The food there was really excellent. But while we were eating, somehow the subject of birthdays came up.
"Speaking of birthdays, can I ask you something?" I interjected.
(Uh oh. Another "Can I ask you something...")
"Yeah, sure."
"Why don't you ever invite me to your birthday parties?"
It was an uncomfortable question. But somehow, I just asked it.
"Um... I don't know, Hyde. I mean, I don't really have birthday parties," he stammered. "It's just a few friends..."
"Yeah, but why don't you invite me?"
"I don't send out invitations," he laughed.
"No, really-- why haven't you ever asked me to come?"
"Well, it's just a few of us. Just a few close friends, you know?"
"Close friends? You spend waaaaay more time with me than you do with anyone else."
"It's not a measure of friendship," he said.
I just looked at him plainly.
"Look, I don't know, Hyde!" he said, starting to get defensive. "You probably wouldn't want to come-- that's why. I mean, everyone would be drinking."
"First of all, this is the fourth birthday I'll have known you for. I haven't been sober for that long. Besides, that can't really have anything to do with it. You drink around me all the time. And even if I wouldn't want to come, you could still invite me and let that be my call."
"You want to come? Fine, so come this year. I think we're going to see Indiana Jones or something."
"I don't want to impose, Narc. I only wanted to know why you had never asked me."
I was hoping I hadn't ruined the night by being so forward. Either way, I didn't regret the conversation. But I was glad when we were somehow able to move on.
NDN was texting me that he felt really sick. I called him when we left the restaurant. Narc wanted to stop at a deli, so we did a little grocery shopping while I checked in with NDN on the phone.
As for the rest, everything was fine that night... sort of.
Narc kept talking about some costume party he had been invited to for the following night. He has a new friend, R-- some architect he met at Blaue Gans. R invited him to the party. Narc asked LAGirl to come along. It stung. I wish it didn't, but it did. Furthermore, I saw that he had sent her a text, asking her: spend the weekend with me. I couldn't let on that I had seen it. Later, she wrote him something back telling him that she couldn't go to the party because she would be perpetually busy until the "end of term." I guess she's in school or something. Either way, it doesn't sound like she's interested in him.
But, I had to crush my feelings somewhere and tuck them away into oblivion so that I wouldn't explode or once again, vomit my soul out into the toilet bowl. It hurt.
Oh well... can't dwell, right?
The next morning I had to wake up relatively early to meet Contessa and her husband for brunch up in Inwood. Bezoukhoff and I and Contessa and her husband all had tickets to see Pomerium at the Cloisters (the medieval museum). I met them for brunch at a cafe up on 187th street (quite a haul from Tribeca!) and then we walked through the park to the museum and met up with Bezoukhoff. Contessa told me that I have the "perfect family." I had to laugh. In any case, she seems to be doing okay, considering what she must be feeling with the loss of her father.
The concert was beautiful. They sang Renaissance motets about the Passion and Resurrection. My favorite composer was Gesualdo. He had quite a dramatic bio too! Afterwards, we all walked around the museum for a bit before Contessa and her husband had to take off. Bezoukhoff and I continued meandering and I contemplated plucking out my eyebrows and shaving back my hairline so that I could become a medieval beauty. I at least want to get myself some medieval headgear. After two hours or so, I bought a book called Wonderful Blood in the bookstore, we grabbed lunch at a nearby diner and then hopped in a cab back downtown to meet B and his wife at church for the Easter Vigil.
Bezoukhoff and I got there first, but we found B without too much of a problem. His wife seemed startled when I said hello. It's always awkward for me to see her because I know that she hates me just for the very fact of my existence. It's an uncomfortable feeling. In any case, the service was beautiful in a restrained, Anglican kind of way. Afterwards, B asked if we wanted to go out for a bite, but I had to turn them down, as I had to dash off to Pixie's party.
Pixie held her birthday dinner at a Union Square restaurant called Japonais. She invited about ten girls. I brought Bezoukhoff along, which momentarily felt awkward, but it all worked out in the end. I realized being there, how much time I've spent away from AA fellowship lately. I miss it and I think it's no good for me to be investing so much of my time into Narc. It's got to be a poor investment! On the other hand, I can't seem to stop myself...
By the time dinner was through, I was absolutely exhausted. I hadn't been home since Thursday, I was grimy and dizzy and tired and couldn't wait to crawl into bed.
On Easter morning I overslept. I had to dash out of the house, slightly disoriented and only once I was in the taxi did I realize that I had forgotten my wallet. Thankfully, I had about $15 jammed into my jeans pocket-- just enough to pay for the cab and get me on the train to see my family.
At my parents house, I had a mini shopping spree! (Well, sort of...) I had stored a lot of clothes there a while back-- clothes that have been too small on me for years, but now fit. So, I got try everything on and it was a lot of fun. I came home with half of a new wardrobe!
At 1:00 PM we went over to Bro-in-Law's parents' house for Easter dinner. It was a really nice afternoon. I love playing with his sister's kids (D&D). And I got to have my first ever go at "Guitar Hero." I loved it!! I loved it so much that I left there determined to get myself some kind of game system so that I could play at home. JBC volunteered his old Ps2. Fantastic!
Meanwhile, Narc and I were texting all afternoon. He has a funny idea about making a live-action Jem & the Holograms movie, and my sisters and I were trying to construct the perfect cast. I also got to make my amends to Bro-in-Law, and that went really well. He is just so amazing. He told me that he feels like I'm a sister and that he's just grateful to get to know me even more now that I'm sober. He said that he loves me and that he's proud of me. I feel so lucky to have him in my family.
I didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM that night, after waiting on a very long and cold taxi line at Penn Station. I was carrying a duffel full of all of those clothes plus the Ps2! Back home, after showering and chatting for a while with a friend from AA, I gave Narc a call. Of course, he invited me down. I think I arrived at around 1:00 AM, sandwiches, Doritos, Gatorade, red bull and ice cream in tow. We stayed up for a while talking and watching TV. He was excited about my acquisition of a PlayStation. (Remember, he can "love, love, LOVE" me if I become a "gamer chick").
The next afternoon we headed over to Chinatown for soup dumplings, bubble tea and video game shopping. Over lunch, I semi-convinced Narc to make a pact with me that we will both be more productive, get more sleep and wake up earlier this week. At the game shop, we picked up "God of War" and FF12. Then we headed back to my place to set up the system.
Narc got it all arranged in pretty short order. He introduced me to Final Fantasy 12 and before I knew it, I had been playing for four hours. I'm not sure if this is all such a good idea for someone like me with an addictive personality and a PhD to finish. In any case, he skipped his tarot class to stay with me while I played. At 9:00 PM, I could play no more and so we headed over to Rosa Mexicana for dinner. Narc called his friend Smith who lives on the Upper East Side, inviting him to join us, but Smith was otherwise occupied. After dinner, we stopped in at Cheers because Narc wanted a pint of Guinness. I guess he's on a Guiness kick... BarMan was there, but otherwise the place was pretty empty. I was glad that Narc reminded me that it was PumpedUp's birthday. I always like to leave him a card and a little something. This year I gave him a chocolate "Wonka egg." Ha ha...
Anyway, back at my place, Narc insisted that we try out "God of War."
"Aren't I supposed to be monogamous to one game at a time?" I asked. "Isn't that what you told me this afternoon?"
"Well, you have to try them all out first and then see which one you want to be monogamous with!" he laughed.
"Oh, is that how it works?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's never the way I do it. I usually try only one and if it's okay, I just decide to stick with it."
We popped the game in, waited a second and--
nothing.
The system wouldn't read the disc. Not easily defeated, we tried again.
Nothing.
Then the color went out and the screen went fuzzy. It would appear that my newly acquired PS2 was already fried. I was crestfallen. So was he.
Still, not easily defeated (I said I was stubborn, right?) I went online to see if anyone else had suffered similar problems. The one suggestion I kept coming across was that we clean the lens. That, however, was easier said than done. It required dismantling the system and I all I had for tools was my tiny "matryoshka" hammer. Yet, somehow, after about an hour, we managed to remove all the screws (even with one of them slightly stirpped.) Both of us were half delerious with chapped hands from grabbing on to the tiny screwdrivers so tightly. Once we finally got the thing apart, I couldn't find any rubbing alcohol. This project, which we wouldn't give up on, sent us back out at 2:00 AM to Duane Reade for the alcohol and compressed air. We finally got the lens cleaned, finally got the system put back together, finally plugged it in and-- color was back!
And then... the color was gone.
:(
I was so sad. It was still broken. No "God of War" for me.
Narc promised that tomorrow morning he'll take me back to Chinatown and we'll get a new "used" PS2. I hope it's not too much money.
Anyway, after that there wasn't much else to do except go to bed. We had made a deal to both have productive days, so the alarm was set and this morning we were up with a groan.
We got dressed while Highlander was blaring on the TV and then I came here to teach. I am still obsessed with looking medieval, so I've been shopping around online for a caul or coronet or fillet or snood. Like I said-- it's all about the headgear.
Um... well, that's it for now. Hope everyone has had a happy Easter and that we are all able to die to death and spiritually resurrect ourselves for yet another year. And I hope I figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life... in short order.
lots of love,
h
On Wednesday after that disconcerting and disheartening text exchange with Narc, I headed into my voice lesson and somehow managed to pull off some fabulous singing. When I emerged, I called Bezoukhoff to see if he wanted to meet up. I sang him a rendition of Pace, pace and he noted a considerable improvement in my technique. Yay! After that, I had to recount to him the latest twists and turns in the never ending Narc-saga (de rigeur!), followed by some "comfort" food at the Comfort Diner. Once back at my apartment, we enjoyed some youtube entertainment (including this gem) and ordered an English-subtitled DVD set of Schtirlitz (whom I once wrote about here). As for Narc? Despite that afternoon's text-drama, he sent me a few "normal" texts that night-- prosaic commentary about HBO's In Treatment, and that sort of thing.
The next day was a long one. Bezoukhoff had given me some new and interesting ideas for a paper, so I set about pulling articles to read while administering midterm exams. (Trotsky calling Stalin a Bonapartist and all that jazz...) At least teaching didn't require the boundless reams of energy as usual. All I had to do was sit there and read those articles while my students took their exams. Still, the day seemed to stretch on eternally. By the time I got to AA, I was wiped out, craving home and a hot shower like never before. As for Narc? He had texted me in the afternoon, seeking my company. However, as I was busy all day, I promised to call when AA was through. He was at Blaue Gans and invited me down. I re-dressed, dried my hair, applied my makeup, packed an overnight bag and eventually made it out of my house.
When I got there, Narc was sitting at the bar. He was wearing a rose colored shirt, a tiny cordial glass set in front of him. He was disappointed that I had just missed his friend the Shark.
That's odd, I thought. He has never wanted me to meet the Shark before... Stop over-analyzing, Hyde!
"I'm curious what you would think of him," he said. "You two are such complete and utter opposites. You're two totally different aspects of my life."
"Really? How so?" I asked. "How are we opposites?"
"Well, the Shark is super aggressive," he explained. "He cuts people up and cuts people down for the fun of it. That's why he's so good in the court room. This guy is all about making money. He used to be a fierce rugby player. You can see it-- he's huge; he's intense and he's got this shaved head... Anyway, all of that competitiveness is now everywhere in his regular life."
"And how would you describe me?" I smiled.
"You? You're very soft, Hyde."
"Soft?"
"Pliable. You're flexible for people, warm, nurturing. You're a caretaker. Not competitive at all. Your energy is inviting and sweet. I can't picture you on a 'stage' like the Shark's courtroom. That is, unless maybe it's singing opera."
"Don't forget that I teach," I laughed. "I'm on a stage several times a week. And as for being pliable and flexible? Most people would say I'm super stubborn!"
"I didn't mean being soft was a bad thing," he scoffed. "I just meant that you're really nurturing and put yourself out there."
"No, I know that Narc. I'm just saying, it's interesting because I'm not like that in every part of my life. I'm definitely like that with you though. I guess we all ever know just a part of each other... To be honest, I have no idea how I'd sum you up if someone ever asked!"
He had clearly had a few drinks, although he wasn't drunk. I ordered a diet coke and waited for him to finish the one in front of him. It smelled like pine trees.
"I'm just in a strange mood today," he said. "I've been crying all afternoon."
"Crying? What happened?"
That was certainly out of left field!
"Just a memory that came up, that's all. I want to tell you about it, but not here. Not now. It's just been a depressing week."
"Yeah, I know. I've been depressed this week too," I said, giving him a certain look. "It hasn't been an easy one."
I wanted to say more, but I didn't. After that, the subject turned. We sat at the bar for a while longer, chatting about a whole slew of things before heading back to his place.
Ah! Thursday night! We were both excited about the new episode of Lost awaiting us. However, before we ever had the chance to turn it on, the conversation turned to Narc's disturbing memory. I don't want to talk about it specifically or in detail, as I don't think that's fair to him, but I can tell you this-- it was certainly strange. He remembered a girl (Allison S.) being bullied by some really horrible boys and Narc did nothing to stop it. As he was telling me this story, he started to cry. His eyes were red and he was choking. I've never seen anything like it. To be honest, I've only ever seen Narc cry once before and that was three years ago. Unsure of how to react, I tried to reassure him that he was just a kid when it happened; I tried to hug him and listen. But this very conversation opened dozens of dark passageways. For both of us, it led to discussion of parents, disappointments, old wounds and childhood in general.
Part of me wonders if it wasn't all just a little bit convenient for this memory to disturb him on that very night. There was clearly a rift between us over LAGirl. I had clearly made my anger and discontent known. And here was something to restore it all back to normal. To make Hyde the "nurturer," the "soft, pliable" lover that I am somehow supposed to be. Whether or not it was intentional, it worked. It called on me to forget my anger. It erased the hard place in my heart that it has taken so long for me to uncover.
In any case, we chain-smoked and talked about the "Allison S. story" for at least a few hours before the darkness lifted and the conversation turned entirely to other things. I told Narc of some strange dreams. The first was about my sister. (Have I told you all that BigSis is pregnant? I found out a few weeks ago, but it was supposed to be a secret until now). Anyway, in my dream, BigSis was driving a car and I was in the passenger seat. She drove us right off a cliff. The car was suspended in the air for quite some time and we were both aware that we were going to die, with only a slight chance of survival.
"Cover your head!" I screamed, thinking of all the brain damage suffered by my stepbrother in his car accident.
"I can't! I have to hold onto the baby!" she called back.
She let go of the wheel and held down on her stomach as tight as she could. I felt really guilty that I was able to cover my head but that she couldn't. I felt guilty and helpless and I waited for the fall.
In a second dream, Narc was interviewing me.
"When is the first time you knew that I meant anything to you?" he asked, with a pen and paper poised.
"Um... August, 2004--right before you disappeared to the Dominican Republic on that so-called 'blind date,'" I said.
He jotted down my answer.
"And when's the first time you knew I meant everything to you?"
"That's easy!" I laughed. "November 19, 2004-- the KGB Bar night."
Anyway, on Thursday night I told him about both of those dreams.
"What's the KGB bar night?" he asked.
"Narc! You know it-- the night we went up on your roof."
I told him the story again. I was a little embarrassed in midst of it, but it felt good to be so honest. I want to have no qualms about making my feelings clear. I think it's important that he knows how I have experienced the past few years-- that my experience of this relationship is different than his, but that it's consistent. That way, he can't think that I'm being "irrational" for feeling pain about this thing with LAGirl; that way, he can't think that his perception is the only perception.
Talking about all of those memories brought up the night that we met. Even that night, we remember differently. He remembers a lot more about the sex than I do; he remembers what we talked about before and after; he remembers every position. I was so high on coke at that point that it's a blur. I remember more about our first conversations in the bar and immediately back at his place. It is all so strange.
In any case, we had sex and then went to bed. He told me that he loves me. I loved it and hated it at once. I felt indulgent, but also guilty for ignoring the part of me that is desperately trying to cling to my anger-- to my truth.
The next morning as I was brushing my teeth, I decided to be bold.
"Can I ask you something?" I began.
"Yeah, sure. What?"
"Um... Is there any particular reason why my toothbrush is back in your cabinet?"
Oh man, did I just say that?
"What do you mean?" he asked, seemingly ruffled. "Didn't you put it there?"
"Um, no, Narc. I always put it back under the sink."
"Does it matter?" he laughed.
This was awkward.
"Don't you remember having a very explicit conversation about it? Don't you remember telling me that my toothbrush had to be kept under the sink, lest it make some kind of statement?"
"Oh. Uh-- yeah, I guess," he muttered. "I mean, at the time I felt like there should just be my toothbrush in there, I guess. But... now it doesn't bother me. I don't know, Hyde..."
"Ok. I was just asking," I said.
Later, we headed over to Megu for lunch-- that fancy Japanese place he took me to a few weeks ago. I told him that I cut my ankle the other day. (I'm sure he saw it the night before anyway). He didn't ask me why. He only told me that he had another friend who struggled with cutting and put it down for years, but then picked up again when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend.
"Yeah, it's hard," I said.
I didn't know what else to say. I don't think he did either. I just didn't want to feel weird about it.
After lunch, I graded papers at his place for a few hours while he watched TV. The evening fell. It was time for another meal.
Narc wanted to find a pint of Guinness, but there are no "proper" Irish pubs in his neighborhood. We walked around for a while in search of one, only to find the sole neighborhood pub closed down for renovations. Finally, we settled on Mai House on Franklin Street.The food there was really excellent. But while we were eating, somehow the subject of birthdays came up.
"Speaking of birthdays, can I ask you something?" I interjected.
(Uh oh. Another "Can I ask you something...")
"Yeah, sure."
"Why don't you ever invite me to your birthday parties?"
It was an uncomfortable question. But somehow, I just asked it.
"Um... I don't know, Hyde. I mean, I don't really have birthday parties," he stammered. "It's just a few friends..."
"Yeah, but why don't you invite me?"
"I don't send out invitations," he laughed.
"No, really-- why haven't you ever asked me to come?"
"Well, it's just a few of us. Just a few close friends, you know?"
"Close friends? You spend waaaaay more time with me than you do with anyone else."
"It's not a measure of friendship," he said.
I just looked at him plainly.
"Look, I don't know, Hyde!" he said, starting to get defensive. "You probably wouldn't want to come-- that's why. I mean, everyone would be drinking."
"First of all, this is the fourth birthday I'll have known you for. I haven't been sober for that long. Besides, that can't really have anything to do with it. You drink around me all the time. And even if I wouldn't want to come, you could still invite me and let that be my call."
"You want to come? Fine, so come this year. I think we're going to see Indiana Jones or something."
"I don't want to impose, Narc. I only wanted to know why you had never asked me."
I was hoping I hadn't ruined the night by being so forward. Either way, I didn't regret the conversation. But I was glad when we were somehow able to move on.
NDN was texting me that he felt really sick. I called him when we left the restaurant. Narc wanted to stop at a deli, so we did a little grocery shopping while I checked in with NDN on the phone.
As for the rest, everything was fine that night... sort of.
Narc kept talking about some costume party he had been invited to for the following night. He has a new friend, R-- some architect he met at Blaue Gans. R invited him to the party. Narc asked LAGirl to come along. It stung. I wish it didn't, but it did. Furthermore, I saw that he had sent her a text, asking her: spend the weekend with me. I couldn't let on that I had seen it. Later, she wrote him something back telling him that she couldn't go to the party because she would be perpetually busy until the "end of term." I guess she's in school or something. Either way, it doesn't sound like she's interested in him.
But, I had to crush my feelings somewhere and tuck them away into oblivion so that I wouldn't explode or once again, vomit my soul out into the toilet bowl. It hurt.
Oh well... can't dwell, right?
The next morning I had to wake up relatively early to meet Contessa and her husband for brunch up in Inwood. Bezoukhoff and I and Contessa and her husband all had tickets to see Pomerium at the Cloisters (the medieval museum). I met them for brunch at a cafe up on 187th street (quite a haul from Tribeca!) and then we walked through the park to the museum and met up with Bezoukhoff. Contessa told me that I have the "perfect family." I had to laugh. In any case, she seems to be doing okay, considering what she must be feeling with the loss of her father.
The concert was beautiful. They sang Renaissance motets about the Passion and Resurrection. My favorite composer was Gesualdo. He had quite a dramatic bio too! Afterwards, we all walked around the museum for a bit before Contessa and her husband had to take off. Bezoukhoff and I continued meandering and I contemplated plucking out my eyebrows and shaving back my hairline so that I could become a medieval beauty. I at least want to get myself some medieval headgear. After two hours or so, I bought a book called Wonderful Blood in the bookstore, we grabbed lunch at a nearby diner and then hopped in a cab back downtown to meet B and his wife at church for the Easter Vigil.
Bezoukhoff and I got there first, but we found B without too much of a problem. His wife seemed startled when I said hello. It's always awkward for me to see her because I know that she hates me just for the very fact of my existence. It's an uncomfortable feeling. In any case, the service was beautiful in a restrained, Anglican kind of way. Afterwards, B asked if we wanted to go out for a bite, but I had to turn them down, as I had to dash off to Pixie's party.
Pixie held her birthday dinner at a Union Square restaurant called Japonais. She invited about ten girls. I brought Bezoukhoff along, which momentarily felt awkward, but it all worked out in the end. I realized being there, how much time I've spent away from AA fellowship lately. I miss it and I think it's no good for me to be investing so much of my time into Narc. It's got to be a poor investment! On the other hand, I can't seem to stop myself...
By the time dinner was through, I was absolutely exhausted. I hadn't been home since Thursday, I was grimy and dizzy and tired and couldn't wait to crawl into bed.
On Easter morning I overslept. I had to dash out of the house, slightly disoriented and only once I was in the taxi did I realize that I had forgotten my wallet. Thankfully, I had about $15 jammed into my jeans pocket-- just enough to pay for the cab and get me on the train to see my family.
At my parents house, I had a mini shopping spree! (Well, sort of...) I had stored a lot of clothes there a while back-- clothes that have been too small on me for years, but now fit. So, I got try everything on and it was a lot of fun. I came home with half of a new wardrobe!
At 1:00 PM we went over to Bro-in-Law's parents' house for Easter dinner. It was a really nice afternoon. I love playing with his sister's kids (D&D). And I got to have my first ever go at "Guitar Hero." I loved it!! I loved it so much that I left there determined to get myself some kind of game system so that I could play at home. JBC volunteered his old Ps2. Fantastic!
Meanwhile, Narc and I were texting all afternoon. He has a funny idea about making a live-action Jem & the Holograms movie, and my sisters and I were trying to construct the perfect cast. I also got to make my amends to Bro-in-Law, and that went really well. He is just so amazing. He told me that he feels like I'm a sister and that he's just grateful to get to know me even more now that I'm sober. He said that he loves me and that he's proud of me. I feel so lucky to have him in my family.
I didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM that night, after waiting on a very long and cold taxi line at Penn Station. I was carrying a duffel full of all of those clothes plus the Ps2! Back home, after showering and chatting for a while with a friend from AA, I gave Narc a call. Of course, he invited me down. I think I arrived at around 1:00 AM, sandwiches, Doritos, Gatorade, red bull and ice cream in tow. We stayed up for a while talking and watching TV. He was excited about my acquisition of a PlayStation. (Remember, he can "love, love, LOVE" me if I become a "gamer chick").
The next afternoon we headed over to Chinatown for soup dumplings, bubble tea and video game shopping. Over lunch, I semi-convinced Narc to make a pact with me that we will both be more productive, get more sleep and wake up earlier this week. At the game shop, we picked up "God of War" and FF12. Then we headed back to my place to set up the system.
Narc got it all arranged in pretty short order. He introduced me to Final Fantasy 12 and before I knew it, I had been playing for four hours. I'm not sure if this is all such a good idea for someone like me with an addictive personality and a PhD to finish. In any case, he skipped his tarot class to stay with me while I played. At 9:00 PM, I could play no more and so we headed over to Rosa Mexicana for dinner. Narc called his friend Smith who lives on the Upper East Side, inviting him to join us, but Smith was otherwise occupied. After dinner, we stopped in at Cheers because Narc wanted a pint of Guinness. I guess he's on a Guiness kick... BarMan was there, but otherwise the place was pretty empty. I was glad that Narc reminded me that it was PumpedUp's birthday. I always like to leave him a card and a little something. This year I gave him a chocolate "Wonka egg." Ha ha...
Anyway, back at my place, Narc insisted that we try out "God of War."
"Aren't I supposed to be monogamous to one game at a time?" I asked. "Isn't that what you told me this afternoon?"
"Well, you have to try them all out first and then see which one you want to be monogamous with!" he laughed.
"Oh, is that how it works?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's never the way I do it. I usually try only one and if it's okay, I just decide to stick with it."
We popped the game in, waited a second and--
nothing.
The system wouldn't read the disc. Not easily defeated, we tried again.
Nothing.
Then the color went out and the screen went fuzzy. It would appear that my newly acquired PS2 was already fried. I was crestfallen. So was he.
Still, not easily defeated (I said I was stubborn, right?) I went online to see if anyone else had suffered similar problems. The one suggestion I kept coming across was that we clean the lens. That, however, was easier said than done. It required dismantling the system and I all I had for tools was my tiny "matryoshka" hammer. Yet, somehow, after about an hour, we managed to remove all the screws (even with one of them slightly stirpped.) Both of us were half delerious with chapped hands from grabbing on to the tiny screwdrivers so tightly. Once we finally got the thing apart, I couldn't find any rubbing alcohol. This project, which we wouldn't give up on, sent us back out at 2:00 AM to Duane Reade for the alcohol and compressed air. We finally got the lens cleaned, finally got the system put back together, finally plugged it in and-- color was back!
And then... the color was gone.
:(
I was so sad. It was still broken. No "God of War" for me.
Narc promised that tomorrow morning he'll take me back to Chinatown and we'll get a new "used" PS2. I hope it's not too much money.
Anyway, after that there wasn't much else to do except go to bed. We had made a deal to both have productive days, so the alarm was set and this morning we were up with a groan.
We got dressed while Highlander was blaring on the TV and then I came here to teach. I am still obsessed with looking medieval, so I've been shopping around online for a caul or coronet or fillet or snood. Like I said-- it's all about the headgear.
Um... well, that's it for now. Hope everyone has had a happy Easter and that we are all able to die to death and spiritually resurrect ourselves for yet another year. And I hope I figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life... in short order.
lots of love,
h
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
In Text
Hyde:
So, my therapist wouldn't tell me what to do.
Narc:
They never do my dear.
Hyde:
Fuck that. Guess I'm back to turning all pain back on myself. Or numbing out with TV. Off to a voice lesson now. Perhaps sublimation in art will offer some relief.
Narc:
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." So says Wesley from "The Princess Bride."
Hyde:
Yes, but where to put it so it doesn't kill you? I'm starting to get pissed off. Just when I thought I didn't know how to feel anger...
Narc:
Don't know what to tell you, hon. If you're feeling depressed or angry over this "Me and LA-Girl" thing you're imagining, then perhaps we shouldn't see each other...
No more pain for you. Problem solved.
Hyde:
That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to sort through my feelings. Maybe should have txtd someone other than you. If I want to stop hanging out, I'll let you know. Please don't patronize me, though, by telling me that I'm imagining things. Thanks.
Narc:
I won't patronize you so long as you don't continue to make vast and sweeping assumptions about people you don't know and have never met.
Hyde:
Besides, do you really think not having you in my life means "no more pain" for me? I love you, remember?
Narc:
Well, it's degrees of pain, I guess. I'm going to date again eventually, so are you. Don't know why you're suddenly so paranoid about this just now.
Hyde:
I have no assumptions about LA-Girl. But really, I don't want to talk about this via text. Sorry if I started it. Didn't mean to.
Narc:
K.
Hyde:
Heading into voice now. Love you.
So, my therapist wouldn't tell me what to do.
Narc:
They never do my dear.
Hyde:
Fuck that. Guess I'm back to turning all pain back on myself. Or numbing out with TV. Off to a voice lesson now. Perhaps sublimation in art will offer some relief.
Narc:
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." So says Wesley from "The Princess Bride."
Hyde:
Yes, but where to put it so it doesn't kill you? I'm starting to get pissed off. Just when I thought I didn't know how to feel anger...
Narc:
Don't know what to tell you, hon. If you're feeling depressed or angry over this "Me and LA-Girl" thing you're imagining, then perhaps we shouldn't see each other...
No more pain for you. Problem solved.
Hyde:
That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to sort through my feelings. Maybe should have txtd someone other than you. If I want to stop hanging out, I'll let you know. Please don't patronize me, though, by telling me that I'm imagining things. Thanks.
Narc:
I won't patronize you so long as you don't continue to make vast and sweeping assumptions about people you don't know and have never met.
Hyde:
Besides, do you really think not having you in my life means "no more pain" for me? I love you, remember?
Narc:
Well, it's degrees of pain, I guess. I'm going to date again eventually, so are you. Don't know why you're suddenly so paranoid about this just now.
Hyde:
I have no assumptions about LA-Girl. But really, I don't want to talk about this via text. Sorry if I started it. Didn't mean to.
Narc:
K.
Hyde:
Heading into voice now. Love you.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Escalation, Regression
I'm not in very good shape. Not at all. I don't even really have the energy to explain. At the same time, I'm totally fine. Everything is just totally fine. Nobody would notice that I'm in terrible shape.
Narc called me late on Sunday night-- around 2:00 AM. He came over. I asked him how his wine tasting thing was. He told me that he took LA-Girl and that afterwards she came back to his place and they polished off two bottles of wine. Then she passed out (in his bed) and so he slept next to her. He said they were fully clothed. I asked him if he kissed her; he said no. I asked him if he put his arms around her; he said yes.
I am so entirely grossed out.
Anyway, it was a rough night for me. We talked in circles about it. He kept trying to assure me that he's not interested in this girl, that he loves me, etc. But I know better. I told him that my intuition told me years ago that PopStarChick was trouble, but I ignored that intuition. My intuition told me that Laurie was trouble. I can sense these shifts in his energy. I told him that. I told him that the first time PopStar appeared on my radar was June, 2005. And Laurie? Things turned with her this past fall. He admitted that I was right-- that my intuition was pretty much dead on.
"But, am I supposed to live my life by your intuition, Hyde?" he asked.
"No. But I'M supposed to live my life by my intuition."
He kept telling me that he loves me and that he and LA-Girl are "just friends."
"Just friends?" I exclaimed. "Aren't we 'just friends'???"
He didn't really answer that.
The bottom line-- he told me that he really likes this girl, that she's cute and that he likes to flirt with her, so she's going to be a part of his life.
"I don't want her to be a part of my life," I said. "But you're a part of my life, Narc, and if she's a part of yours, I only see one solution."
"What? That I get rid of her? It's not going to happen," he said.
"No, that I get rid of you. Although I can't believe I'm even saying that."
"This is SO stupid, Hyde!" he said. "You want to end our relationship over this girl that I'm not even interested in! If you want to be all dramatic and find a reason to be in pain and make melodrama, go right ahead. But that's your business."
"I'm not being dramatic," I said. "I just don't want to get hurt. I ignored my feelings last time, and it hurt like hell. I don't want to get hurt."
I brought up the whole thing with PopStar. He got defensive.
"YOU were intimate with other people too," he said.
"What? When?"
"I remember your blog, Hyde."
"What? KHill peed on my hand while I was wasted, two and a half years ago on the street on Second Avenue and you're calling that intimate? That's insane."
"How do I know your blog isn't filled with stories like that."
"You want to know what my blog's filled with Narc?"
"What?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"It's about you. It's about now I love you. If you read it, you'd probably think I was ridiculous. But that's what it's about."
"Yeah, maybe I would," he said.
When we were heading to bed, I showed him how I had cleaned up my closets.
"Wow! There will be nothing left on your agenda to get your life in order by 30," he laughed. (That had been my stated goal.)
"Yes, there's still something left."
"What?"
"Fall in love with someone other than you," I said.
"That's real nice," he muttered. "Thanks."
Later, we got in bed. I didn't want to take my clothes off.
"Just take your clothes off," he said.
"I can't. I feel weird."
"Can't you feel weird with your clothes off?"
"No."
He tried to snuggle me. I was trying not to cry.
"What do you want, Hyde? A marriage proposal?"
"No. I just want to feel special," I said.
"Well, I can't promise you that I can make you feel special. But I can promise you that I love you, okay? You know that I love you."
"I don't know," I said.
Then I tried to kiss him. Maybe I just wanted validation. He didn't want to kiss. He wanted to go to sleep.
"Why don't you want to kiss me?" I asked.
"I'm tired," he said. "It doesn't mean anything. Stop analyzing."
He passed out and was snoring so loudly that I couldn't sleep. I was up until nearly 6:00 AM. I had to go remove myself and sleep on my own couch.
The next morning, I crawled back into bed with him at around 10:30 AM. When he woke up, he had an erection. I thought he wanted to have sex, but instead he just wanted to masturbate in my mouth. Nice.
We stayed in bed though and later had sex too. I don't know what I was thinking about.
He said we had to get food.
"But not Indian," I said. "I had that yesterday."
"So did I!" he said. "And I left the containers all out in my living room."
"That's not like you," I smiled. "You're always so neat!"
"Well, not to bring up a sore subject, but LA-Girl left the stuff out. She stayed at my place all day on Sunday until I had to leave for M's birthday dinner. So, we had lunch."
I felt like I was going to puke.
For the rest of the afternoon, I thought I might have a panic attack. I didn't let on though. We talked about masochistic love. I was really nice to him and tried to make things as normal as possible. He knew I was sad though. He could see the sadness.
He took a shower and wanted me to come in with him. I didn't want to. I gave him a blow job before he went in, and then while he was in there, I took a razor and cut my ankle. It helped. I felt a little better.
"It's nothing, Hyde," he said again when he came out of the shower.
I didn't have time to bandage myself up, and I didn't want him to see what I had done. I was worried that the cuff of my jeans were going to get stained on the inside.
"It's not nothing to me," I answered.
"I don't know what you want to do, then," he said.
"I have to talk to my therapist. Maybe when you're done playing with her, we can resume as usual."
"I'm not playing with her," he said.
"Narc, I know you like her. You have other female friends that I don't care about. I'm not a crazy jealous person. But I know you're into her. You had a date."
"It wasn't a date."
"What do you call it when you take a girl to a wine tasting, bring her back to your place, get drunk and then go to sleep with her in your arms?"
"It wasn't like that. She just passed out," he said.
"But you slept with your arms around her."
"It's just nice to feel another person once in a while," he said. "It's a guy thing."
"I don't want to sleep in your bed when another girl has slept there the night before. And I don't want to sleep in your arms when another girl has slept there the night before."
"Again, Hyde-- this is your little drama. It's not a big deal."
Anyway, it went on like that until he had to leave for his class.
After he left, I spoke to a few of my girlfriends from AA. Then I had to leave to meet Jake for dinner. TT had sent me a text, though: At Cheers. Please stop by.
So, on my way to meet Jake, I stopped in at Cheers. TT gave me a big hug hello and bought me a soda. As I could only stay for a few minutes, I promised to come back on my way home.
Jake and I met at an awesome little place in Little Korea-- Bon Chon Chicken. It was atmospheric. We ate chicken and caught up on life. Afterwards, we had Pinkberry and walked back to my neighborhood. I asked Jake if he wanted to come with me to Cheers. I thought I could use some cheering up by getting attention from TT.
TT seemed glad to see me and gave me another hug hello. I introduced him to Jake and then made my way over to the bar to get us drinks. I got held up saying hello to the old cast of characters-- PumpedUp, ThursdayGirl, BarMan, one of the Columbians, etc. By the time I went to look for TT again, I found him drunk-dancing with some girl. He was all over her, kissing her neck and dipping her in his dance. I have to say-- I was a little bewildered. Jake was laughing at me, as the situation was so utterly ridiculous. He said we should get up and dance too.
"What! No-- no use in making drama. But I don't get what this is about."
Anyway, at some point, the drunk girl he was dancing with disappeared and I approached TT to say hi.
"It looks like you've got a tall, handsome fella," he said. "Why don't you go work that thing."
Now it was starting to make sense.
"I'm not with Jake!" I laughed. "We've been friends for 10 years-- since college. He lives with his girlfriend!"
"Maybe it's just his height," said TT. "I'm not used to guys being as tall as I am. I guess it's intimidating." (They are both about 6'4")
This was so strange though. I talked to TT for a moment or two longer, but there was nothing to say given this weird dynamic.
"I think it's going to be one of those mornings tomorrow with a bad judgement call," he said.
I wasn't sure if he meant that he had made a bad judgement call, that the drunk girl he had been dancing with had made a bad judgement call. It wasn't at all clear. He was a little incoherent.
Anyway, in the midst of all that, Narc texted me to see what I was up to. I don't know why, but I wrote him back (something about the John Adams show on HBO first).
Missing you tonight, I said.
As for tonight, welcome to come down if you like, will be up for a bit, he answered.
I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I felt. I told him I would call him when I left Cheers.
At midnight, Jake and I headed home. I stopped in to say hi to NDN and his friend before going back to my place. Then I texted Narc:
Yeah, I think I'll come. Don't want to be by myself right now. Leaving in 5...
I almost couldn't breathe as I was approaching his building.
You can do this. You can do this, Hyde, I kept telling myself. I didn't want to be there since that girl had just been there. I felt sick about it. But there had to be a first time, right? Just get in there and erase her energy, I repeated.
Narc and I watched some TV. That movie "Dead Again" was on. At around 2:30 AM, I told him I had to get to bed. I had to teach the next day.
We got in bed. This time I slept naked. It was strange. We had sex. It felt good, but in a masochistic way. This morning I got up and got dressed and things felt almost normal. They are normal, I guess. How is this any different from what's been going on the entire time?
He hugged me goodbye when I left. I was wearing my winter coat and he was naked. I liked that I had a barrier on. He seemed more vulnerable that way.
Anyway, since then, I've been here at school doing midterm reviews. And I'm enjoying the fact that my ankle is all scratched up. I like looking at it. I like feeling the sting. But I hate that I indulged that part of myself. It's a bad habit that I thought I had put to bed a long time ago.
Bottom line-- I can't wait for therapy tomorrow. I really, really need help right now. But overall, I'm okay, I guess. One of my friends in AA suggested I do another fourth step but just on my relationship with Narc. I think I will. Obviously it needs a thorough house-cleaning. Oh, and in other news, the Alaskan just gave Hammer an engagement ring. I've only seen it via cell-phone photo, but it looks beautiful. It's diamond with a cabochon ruby.
Um... so that's it.
More later when there's more to tell.
love,
h
Narc called me late on Sunday night-- around 2:00 AM. He came over. I asked him how his wine tasting thing was. He told me that he took LA-Girl and that afterwards she came back to his place and they polished off two bottles of wine. Then she passed out (in his bed) and so he slept next to her. He said they were fully clothed. I asked him if he kissed her; he said no. I asked him if he put his arms around her; he said yes.
I am so entirely grossed out.
Anyway, it was a rough night for me. We talked in circles about it. He kept trying to assure me that he's not interested in this girl, that he loves me, etc. But I know better. I told him that my intuition told me years ago that PopStarChick was trouble, but I ignored that intuition. My intuition told me that Laurie was trouble. I can sense these shifts in his energy. I told him that. I told him that the first time PopStar appeared on my radar was June, 2005. And Laurie? Things turned with her this past fall. He admitted that I was right-- that my intuition was pretty much dead on.
"But, am I supposed to live my life by your intuition, Hyde?" he asked.
"No. But I'M supposed to live my life by my intuition."
He kept telling me that he loves me and that he and LA-Girl are "just friends."
"Just friends?" I exclaimed. "Aren't we 'just friends'???"
He didn't really answer that.
The bottom line-- he told me that he really likes this girl, that she's cute and that he likes to flirt with her, so she's going to be a part of his life.
"I don't want her to be a part of my life," I said. "But you're a part of my life, Narc, and if she's a part of yours, I only see one solution."
"What? That I get rid of her? It's not going to happen," he said.
"No, that I get rid of you. Although I can't believe I'm even saying that."
"This is SO stupid, Hyde!" he said. "You want to end our relationship over this girl that I'm not even interested in! If you want to be all dramatic and find a reason to be in pain and make melodrama, go right ahead. But that's your business."
"I'm not being dramatic," I said. "I just don't want to get hurt. I ignored my feelings last time, and it hurt like hell. I don't want to get hurt."
I brought up the whole thing with PopStar. He got defensive.
"YOU were intimate with other people too," he said.
"What? When?"
"I remember your blog, Hyde."
"What? KHill peed on my hand while I was wasted, two and a half years ago on the street on Second Avenue and you're calling that intimate? That's insane."
"How do I know your blog isn't filled with stories like that."
"You want to know what my blog's filled with Narc?"
"What?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"It's about you. It's about now I love you. If you read it, you'd probably think I was ridiculous. But that's what it's about."
"Yeah, maybe I would," he said.
When we were heading to bed, I showed him how I had cleaned up my closets.
"Wow! There will be nothing left on your agenda to get your life in order by 30," he laughed. (That had been my stated goal.)
"Yes, there's still something left."
"What?"
"Fall in love with someone other than you," I said.
"That's real nice," he muttered. "Thanks."
Later, we got in bed. I didn't want to take my clothes off.
"Just take your clothes off," he said.
"I can't. I feel weird."
"Can't you feel weird with your clothes off?"
"No."
He tried to snuggle me. I was trying not to cry.
"What do you want, Hyde? A marriage proposal?"
"No. I just want to feel special," I said.
"Well, I can't promise you that I can make you feel special. But I can promise you that I love you, okay? You know that I love you."
"I don't know," I said.
Then I tried to kiss him. Maybe I just wanted validation. He didn't want to kiss. He wanted to go to sleep.
"Why don't you want to kiss me?" I asked.
"I'm tired," he said. "It doesn't mean anything. Stop analyzing."
He passed out and was snoring so loudly that I couldn't sleep. I was up until nearly 6:00 AM. I had to go remove myself and sleep on my own couch.
The next morning, I crawled back into bed with him at around 10:30 AM. When he woke up, he had an erection. I thought he wanted to have sex, but instead he just wanted to masturbate in my mouth. Nice.
We stayed in bed though and later had sex too. I don't know what I was thinking about.
He said we had to get food.
"But not Indian," I said. "I had that yesterday."
"So did I!" he said. "And I left the containers all out in my living room."
"That's not like you," I smiled. "You're always so neat!"
"Well, not to bring up a sore subject, but LA-Girl left the stuff out. She stayed at my place all day on Sunday until I had to leave for M's birthday dinner. So, we had lunch."
I felt like I was going to puke.
For the rest of the afternoon, I thought I might have a panic attack. I didn't let on though. We talked about masochistic love. I was really nice to him and tried to make things as normal as possible. He knew I was sad though. He could see the sadness.
He took a shower and wanted me to come in with him. I didn't want to. I gave him a blow job before he went in, and then while he was in there, I took a razor and cut my ankle. It helped. I felt a little better.
"It's nothing, Hyde," he said again when he came out of the shower.
I didn't have time to bandage myself up, and I didn't want him to see what I had done. I was worried that the cuff of my jeans were going to get stained on the inside.
"It's not nothing to me," I answered.
"I don't know what you want to do, then," he said.
"I have to talk to my therapist. Maybe when you're done playing with her, we can resume as usual."
"I'm not playing with her," he said.
"Narc, I know you like her. You have other female friends that I don't care about. I'm not a crazy jealous person. But I know you're into her. You had a date."
"It wasn't a date."
"What do you call it when you take a girl to a wine tasting, bring her back to your place, get drunk and then go to sleep with her in your arms?"
"It wasn't like that. She just passed out," he said.
"But you slept with your arms around her."
"It's just nice to feel another person once in a while," he said. "It's a guy thing."
"I don't want to sleep in your bed when another girl has slept there the night before. And I don't want to sleep in your arms when another girl has slept there the night before."
"Again, Hyde-- this is your little drama. It's not a big deal."
Anyway, it went on like that until he had to leave for his class.
After he left, I spoke to a few of my girlfriends from AA. Then I had to leave to meet Jake for dinner. TT had sent me a text, though: At Cheers. Please stop by.
So, on my way to meet Jake, I stopped in at Cheers. TT gave me a big hug hello and bought me a soda. As I could only stay for a few minutes, I promised to come back on my way home.
Jake and I met at an awesome little place in Little Korea-- Bon Chon Chicken. It was atmospheric. We ate chicken and caught up on life. Afterwards, we had Pinkberry and walked back to my neighborhood. I asked Jake if he wanted to come with me to Cheers. I thought I could use some cheering up by getting attention from TT.
TT seemed glad to see me and gave me another hug hello. I introduced him to Jake and then made my way over to the bar to get us drinks. I got held up saying hello to the old cast of characters-- PumpedUp, ThursdayGirl, BarMan, one of the Columbians, etc. By the time I went to look for TT again, I found him drunk-dancing with some girl. He was all over her, kissing her neck and dipping her in his dance. I have to say-- I was a little bewildered. Jake was laughing at me, as the situation was so utterly ridiculous. He said we should get up and dance too.
"What! No-- no use in making drama. But I don't get what this is about."
Anyway, at some point, the drunk girl he was dancing with disappeared and I approached TT to say hi.
"It looks like you've got a tall, handsome fella," he said. "Why don't you go work that thing."
Now it was starting to make sense.
"I'm not with Jake!" I laughed. "We've been friends for 10 years-- since college. He lives with his girlfriend!"
"Maybe it's just his height," said TT. "I'm not used to guys being as tall as I am. I guess it's intimidating." (They are both about 6'4")
This was so strange though. I talked to TT for a moment or two longer, but there was nothing to say given this weird dynamic.
"I think it's going to be one of those mornings tomorrow with a bad judgement call," he said.
I wasn't sure if he meant that he had made a bad judgement call, that the drunk girl he had been dancing with had made a bad judgement call. It wasn't at all clear. He was a little incoherent.
Anyway, in the midst of all that, Narc texted me to see what I was up to. I don't know why, but I wrote him back (something about the John Adams show on HBO first).
Missing you tonight, I said.
As for tonight, welcome to come down if you like, will be up for a bit, he answered.
I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I felt. I told him I would call him when I left Cheers.
At midnight, Jake and I headed home. I stopped in to say hi to NDN and his friend before going back to my place. Then I texted Narc:
Yeah, I think I'll come. Don't want to be by myself right now. Leaving in 5...
I almost couldn't breathe as I was approaching his building.
You can do this. You can do this, Hyde, I kept telling myself. I didn't want to be there since that girl had just been there. I felt sick about it. But there had to be a first time, right? Just get in there and erase her energy, I repeated.
Narc and I watched some TV. That movie "Dead Again" was on. At around 2:30 AM, I told him I had to get to bed. I had to teach the next day.
We got in bed. This time I slept naked. It was strange. We had sex. It felt good, but in a masochistic way. This morning I got up and got dressed and things felt almost normal. They are normal, I guess. How is this any different from what's been going on the entire time?
He hugged me goodbye when I left. I was wearing my winter coat and he was naked. I liked that I had a barrier on. He seemed more vulnerable that way.
Anyway, since then, I've been here at school doing midterm reviews. And I'm enjoying the fact that my ankle is all scratched up. I like looking at it. I like feeling the sting. But I hate that I indulged that part of myself. It's a bad habit that I thought I had put to bed a long time ago.
Bottom line-- I can't wait for therapy tomorrow. I really, really need help right now. But overall, I'm okay, I guess. One of my friends in AA suggested I do another fourth step but just on my relationship with Narc. I think I will. Obviously it needs a thorough house-cleaning. Oh, and in other news, the Alaskan just gave Hammer an engagement ring. I've only seen it via cell-phone photo, but it looks beautiful. It's diamond with a cabochon ruby.
Um... so that's it.
More later when there's more to tell.
love,
h
Sunday, March 16, 2008
O dieses Licht, wie lang verlosch es nicht!*
It has been a strange weekend. Good in many ways, but I'm depressed nonetheless.
On Thursday night, after AA, and after picking up some yogurt and a banana at the deli, I was on my way home and happened to walk right by KHill. I haven't seen him in forever. It was the strangest thing-- that crush that I used to have on him came flooding back and I was suddenly so hyper. Our eyes met, but we didn't pause or say hello. Then he and his friends headed into Cheers and I, with my head spinning, came home. I was off the wall about it, although I'm not sure why. It triggered something old in me... something that wanted to go out and get into trouble. I wanted to get all dressed up and go over to the bar, as much as I knew it was a bad idea. It's the first time I've ever felt one of those "people/places/things" triggers that strongly. In any case, I called my sponsor, talked to Brick and went next door to my neighbor's place where NDN was hanging out and the two of them were cooking dinner. It took me a long time to come out of that strange, hyper "Hyde" feeling-- to come back to being "Jekyll." So strange.
On Friday I got to spend some time with Hammer in the early afternoon. I went over to her apartment with some bubble tea and we just hung out there for a while. Later that evening, I met Contessa at the opera. It was a strange night at Lincoln Center.
First of all, we had agreed to meet at the fountain, but that was impossible, as the entire plaza was walled off due to construction. Then, in the lobby, I bumped into my department chair (who I really don't like!) and we had to say awkward "hello's."
We were there for Tristan & Isolde with Ben Heppner and Deborah Voigt, but the general manager came out to explain that Heppner was out with a "very bad virus," although "the rest of the cast was in excellent health!" He presented our new "Tristan" who was singing the role for the first time. (And it is a notoriously difficult role). The audience was very supportive.
Then, in Act II, right in the middle of the act, Deborah Voigt just walked off stage. The tenor kept right on singing as the curtain fell on him, the house lights went out, the orchestra stopped and the orchestra pit went dark. Just at that point, the line on the subtitle screen was something like "in the darkness, unknown and unimagined, dimly perceived." For a moment, I thought it was some kind of strange interpretation to go with the ultramodern minimalist sets. Then someone cried out "the power is out!" The audience began to murmur. A moment later, Peter Gelb, the general manager, appeared to explain.
"Ms. Voigt has had a sudden illness and can not continue. She will be replaced by Janice Baird. Please bear with us."
Again-- strange...
When Baird first started to sing, I didn't think her voice could match the power of Deborah Voigt, but by the third act, she had won me over. I fully experienced the opera that night, in the supreme sense of it. I think I was entirely transfigured by the liebestod. Then again, it's not to hard to sell me on those ideas.
As I explained in an email to GoldenFinch, I entirely identified with and understood the day/night imagery perhaps for the first time. Their love (represented by the orchestral music) is so detached from reality. It is entirely self-contained so that it is its own only truth. Tristan and Isolde become the universe to each other (as in "I AM Heathcliff!") because their love exists in a world outside all other worldly phenomena. In its own realm, it's not in sync with reality. It's the same bubble I slip into with Narc. Brangaene warns Isolde not to distinguish her torch (don't go down to Tribeca!) but she ignores the warning. Then, while they're singing the love duet (O sink down upon us, night of love. Make me forget I live: take me into your bosom, free me from the world!) Brangaene's protests are offstage, far away, vain-- a faint echo of reality.
"There is a 'real world' and this relationship is not reality!" she says. "Beware. Come back. King Marke and quotidian responsibilities are coming!"
Even the fact that they fell in love by drinking a potion-- it's strong enough to die for even though it isn't natural or the truest of "true" love. It's where I am-- the love might be imagined or invented, but it is still overwhelming me. And I'm lost in the swimming sickness of that "noumenal" world and have to keep yanking myself back into the "phenomenal." How can I stay present and write papers when there is the ever flowing tide of nauseating love-death music in my soul???
Anyway... so that was the opera of Friday night. I think that the libestod made me half orgasm and half cry. (Probably what it was intended to do, right?)
The whole time we were there, Narc was texting me. He wanted to see me and was probably bored waiting, as it was a six hour opera. I finally got out at almost 1:00 AM.
Coming down? he wrote.
I stopped at the deli to get him some Gatorade and to get me some dinner and jumped into a cab. We sat up talking for a long time-- mostly about his "breakup" with James and ModelChick.
"They're both no loss," he said. "They weren't the kind of people I want in my life anymore. I mean, ModelChick was a useful person to have for parties, but..."
"Useful?" I inquired.
"Well, yeah, because she's so beautiful-- she makes the party look good. You know-- she's a pretty ornament."
"I'm sure there are plenty of pretty ornaments out there who won't fuck you over emotionally," I said.
"Yeah. I guess it's just my thing for ditsy blonds. Blame it on my mother being one of them. But they usually fuck you over."
The conversation turned to some other things. Then he brought up something strange.
"You know-- it's been three years since that prophecy and I guess it's not going to come true."
"The angel who visited you?"
"Yeah."
(For those of you who weren't reading my blog three years ago, back in July '05, Narc said that he was visited by an angel who told him three things-- that he would make a movie, but probably only one; that he should become a vegetarian; and that he would marry someone he already knew within three years and that it would be the "first happiness he has ever known.")
"It might still come true," I said. "You never know!"
"No. It won't. The three years are up in June!"
"Maybe it's not three years exactly. And you almost got married to PopStar, right?"
"'Almost' doesn't count," he said. "She was so positive about it-- so authoritative. I was sure it would happen, but it's not going to now. Think about it Hyde," he laughed, "There are no more women in my life! I've cut them all out! PopStar is gone, Laurie's gone, the Exhibitionist is gone, ModelChick is gone, Danielle is gone. I have not a single female around. Of course it's not going to come true!"
"Yeah, I guess," I said.
But seriously-- what am I supposed to think, feel or say when he says things like that? Do I not exist? Or do I just not count? Did he say it on purpose? It's not like I want to marry Narc. Even in my most fucked up imaginings of the future, there's no way that we can have any kind of real life together. But still... it was either immensely dense, or else intentionally hurtful.
In any case, we went to bed around 3:00 AM, had sex during which I ignored my spiritual discomfort, and that was that.
On Saturday he said that he had to meet his friend the Shark for lunch, so I headed back up to my apartment and resumed my most recent apartment project-- an overhauling of my closets. I have been in the rare mood to throw things away and I'm ditching about 80% of my wardrobe. Narc later wrote to me that the Shark cancelled on him. Whatever...
At around 3:00 PM, StarGazer called me to ask if I had heard the news-- a huge crane had wiped out an entire townhouse and part of another building not far from where I live. In fact, "Fubar" was decimated. (I used to go there on weeknights after Cheers had closed, and then if Manchester also closed or stopped serving me b/c I was too drunk. Fubar was always open until 4:00 AM and sometimes a little later. And poor NDN-- that's his favorite bar!)
Later that evening, I had plans to meet B on the Upper West Side. We met for Chinese food, poked around Barnes & Noble and then headed over to a church on 66th Street to hear the Astoria Symphony. It was a great program-- a piece by Puccini, Barber's Adagio for Strings, an original work by a composer who was there in there in the audience, and then after the intermission-- Beethoven's 5th. I'm not a number one fan of symphonic music, but the Barber holds a special place in my heart, and as for the Beethoven-- I experienced it like never before. The orchestra was youthful and energetic and the space was acoustically brilliant and we were so close. I felt like an organic part of the music and not just a passive member of the audience. Also, my brain seems to be able to pull apart musical lines much easier and sustain attention much better these days. I swear-- it's the clearing of the alcoholic fog. I hear music the way I used to.
B's wife has been out of town all weekend. It was nice to spend such a long evening with him again. I miss the way we used to hang out as best friends. After the concert we walked to Pinkberry and then I got in a cab to head home.
I was anxious. Anxious upon anxious. Why? Because when I had left Narc that morning, he told me that he was going to a wine tasting that evening. And I know that he invited LA-Girl to go with him. I can't say or prove that he's "dating" her, but he is certainly still flirting with her in a way that makes me feel sick if I let myself think of it-- sending her suggestive texts and what not. I did my best to shove my feelings down into the pit of my stomach, since I didn't know what else to do with them, and I just came home.
Then I watched TV for hours. And guess what? I finally finished all of Lost!!!! So, I'm all caught up and the pressure of those marathons of Lost has dissipated. I don't have to watch another episode until we get a new one on Thursday. Phew! I think I went to bed at around 3:00 AM. I felt like my gut was chewing itself apart and tearing at all the walls of my insides.
Today I had brunch with StarGazer and another friend from AA (I can't remember if I've given her a blog name). It was raining out and I walked past the wreckage from that crane. On the way home, I smoked cigarettes and didn't care if my hair got wet. It felt a little liberating. But really, I just felt like crying. Nobody understands why I'm still in this thing. I don't understand it either. There is nowhere to go for comfort, for understanding. There is no one who can shut this off except me, and I just- can't- do- it. I just can't. I just can't. But I hate this so fucking much.
I hate it.
Anyway, for the rest of the afternoon today, I've been working on my apartment-- cleaning, organizing and trying not to vomit my soul out into the toilet. Even if I did, there would be nothing to do next except clean the toilet. I know he has dinner plans tonight on the Upper East Side for his friend M's birthday. I'm kind of obsessing about it and then telling myself to shut up.
Oh, and I'm dreading St. Patrick's Day. I hated it even when I was drinking. I never had fun on that day and my neighborhood gets colonized by drunks. Now it's 10 times worse.
But... that's it for now. I'm listening to a million different versions of the song "Hallelujah." And I just ordered Indian food off "seamless web." Oh, and Hammer just IM'd me. So, I think I'm gonna spell check and then get off blogger. I need to stop obsessing about myself anyway.
love,
h
* Oh, this light, how long before it was extinguished!
On Thursday night, after AA, and after picking up some yogurt and a banana at the deli, I was on my way home and happened to walk right by KHill. I haven't seen him in forever. It was the strangest thing-- that crush that I used to have on him came flooding back and I was suddenly so hyper. Our eyes met, but we didn't pause or say hello. Then he and his friends headed into Cheers and I, with my head spinning, came home. I was off the wall about it, although I'm not sure why. It triggered something old in me... something that wanted to go out and get into trouble. I wanted to get all dressed up and go over to the bar, as much as I knew it was a bad idea. It's the first time I've ever felt one of those "people/places/things" triggers that strongly. In any case, I called my sponsor, talked to Brick and went next door to my neighbor's place where NDN was hanging out and the two of them were cooking dinner. It took me a long time to come out of that strange, hyper "Hyde" feeling-- to come back to being "Jekyll." So strange.
On Friday I got to spend some time with Hammer in the early afternoon. I went over to her apartment with some bubble tea and we just hung out there for a while. Later that evening, I met Contessa at the opera. It was a strange night at Lincoln Center.
First of all, we had agreed to meet at the fountain, but that was impossible, as the entire plaza was walled off due to construction. Then, in the lobby, I bumped into my department chair (who I really don't like!) and we had to say awkward "hello's."
We were there for Tristan & Isolde with Ben Heppner and Deborah Voigt, but the general manager came out to explain that Heppner was out with a "very bad virus," although "the rest of the cast was in excellent health!" He presented our new "Tristan" who was singing the role for the first time. (And it is a notoriously difficult role). The audience was very supportive.
Then, in Act II, right in the middle of the act, Deborah Voigt just walked off stage. The tenor kept right on singing as the curtain fell on him, the house lights went out, the orchestra stopped and the orchestra pit went dark. Just at that point, the line on the subtitle screen was something like "in the darkness, unknown and unimagined, dimly perceived." For a moment, I thought it was some kind of strange interpretation to go with the ultramodern minimalist sets. Then someone cried out "the power is out!" The audience began to murmur. A moment later, Peter Gelb, the general manager, appeared to explain.
"Ms. Voigt has had a sudden illness and can not continue. She will be replaced by Janice Baird. Please bear with us."
Again-- strange...
When Baird first started to sing, I didn't think her voice could match the power of Deborah Voigt, but by the third act, she had won me over. I fully experienced the opera that night, in the supreme sense of it. I think I was entirely transfigured by the liebestod. Then again, it's not to hard to sell me on those ideas.
As I explained in an email to GoldenFinch, I entirely identified with and understood the day/night imagery perhaps for the first time. Their love (represented by the orchestral music) is so detached from reality. It is entirely self-contained so that it is its own only truth. Tristan and Isolde become the universe to each other (as in "I AM Heathcliff!") because their love exists in a world outside all other worldly phenomena. In its own realm, it's not in sync with reality. It's the same bubble I slip into with Narc. Brangaene warns Isolde not to distinguish her torch (don't go down to Tribeca!) but she ignores the warning. Then, while they're singing the love duet (O sink down upon us, night of love. Make me forget I live: take me into your bosom, free me from the world!) Brangaene's protests are offstage, far away, vain-- a faint echo of reality.
"There is a 'real world' and this relationship is not reality!" she says. "Beware. Come back. King Marke and quotidian responsibilities are coming!"
Even the fact that they fell in love by drinking a potion-- it's strong enough to die for even though it isn't natural or the truest of "true" love. It's where I am-- the love might be imagined or invented, but it is still overwhelming me. And I'm lost in the swimming sickness of that "noumenal" world and have to keep yanking myself back into the "phenomenal." How can I stay present and write papers when there is the ever flowing tide of nauseating love-death music in my soul???
Anyway... so that was the opera of Friday night. I think that the libestod made me half orgasm and half cry. (Probably what it was intended to do, right?)
The whole time we were there, Narc was texting me. He wanted to see me and was probably bored waiting, as it was a six hour opera. I finally got out at almost 1:00 AM.
Coming down? he wrote.
I stopped at the deli to get him some Gatorade and to get me some dinner and jumped into a cab. We sat up talking for a long time-- mostly about his "breakup" with James and ModelChick.
"They're both no loss," he said. "They weren't the kind of people I want in my life anymore. I mean, ModelChick was a useful person to have for parties, but..."
"Useful?" I inquired.
"Well, yeah, because she's so beautiful-- she makes the party look good. You know-- she's a pretty ornament."
"I'm sure there are plenty of pretty ornaments out there who won't fuck you over emotionally," I said.
"Yeah. I guess it's just my thing for ditsy blonds. Blame it on my mother being one of them. But they usually fuck you over."
The conversation turned to some other things. Then he brought up something strange.
"You know-- it's been three years since that prophecy and I guess it's not going to come true."
"The angel who visited you?"
"Yeah."
(For those of you who weren't reading my blog three years ago, back in July '05, Narc said that he was visited by an angel who told him three things-- that he would make a movie, but probably only one; that he should become a vegetarian; and that he would marry someone he already knew within three years and that it would be the "first happiness he has ever known.")
"It might still come true," I said. "You never know!"
"No. It won't. The three years are up in June!"
"Maybe it's not three years exactly. And you almost got married to PopStar, right?"
"'Almost' doesn't count," he said. "She was so positive about it-- so authoritative. I was sure it would happen, but it's not going to now. Think about it Hyde," he laughed, "There are no more women in my life! I've cut them all out! PopStar is gone, Laurie's gone, the Exhibitionist is gone, ModelChick is gone, Danielle is gone. I have not a single female around. Of course it's not going to come true!"
"Yeah, I guess," I said.
But seriously-- what am I supposed to think, feel or say when he says things like that? Do I not exist? Or do I just not count? Did he say it on purpose? It's not like I want to marry Narc. Even in my most fucked up imaginings of the future, there's no way that we can have any kind of real life together. But still... it was either immensely dense, or else intentionally hurtful.
In any case, we went to bed around 3:00 AM, had sex during which I ignored my spiritual discomfort, and that was that.
On Saturday he said that he had to meet his friend the Shark for lunch, so I headed back up to my apartment and resumed my most recent apartment project-- an overhauling of my closets. I have been in the rare mood to throw things away and I'm ditching about 80% of my wardrobe. Narc later wrote to me that the Shark cancelled on him. Whatever...
At around 3:00 PM, StarGazer called me to ask if I had heard the news-- a huge crane had wiped out an entire townhouse and part of another building not far from where I live. In fact, "Fubar" was decimated. (I used to go there on weeknights after Cheers had closed, and then if Manchester also closed or stopped serving me b/c I was too drunk. Fubar was always open until 4:00 AM and sometimes a little later. And poor NDN-- that's his favorite bar!)
Later that evening, I had plans to meet B on the Upper West Side. We met for Chinese food, poked around Barnes & Noble and then headed over to a church on 66th Street to hear the Astoria Symphony. It was a great program-- a piece by Puccini, Barber's Adagio for Strings, an original work by a composer who was there in there in the audience, and then after the intermission-- Beethoven's 5th. I'm not a number one fan of symphonic music, but the Barber holds a special place in my heart, and as for the Beethoven-- I experienced it like never before. The orchestra was youthful and energetic and the space was acoustically brilliant and we were so close. I felt like an organic part of the music and not just a passive member of the audience. Also, my brain seems to be able to pull apart musical lines much easier and sustain attention much better these days. I swear-- it's the clearing of the alcoholic fog. I hear music the way I used to.
B's wife has been out of town all weekend. It was nice to spend such a long evening with him again. I miss the way we used to hang out as best friends. After the concert we walked to Pinkberry and then I got in a cab to head home.
I was anxious. Anxious upon anxious. Why? Because when I had left Narc that morning, he told me that he was going to a wine tasting that evening. And I know that he invited LA-Girl to go with him. I can't say or prove that he's "dating" her, but he is certainly still flirting with her in a way that makes me feel sick if I let myself think of it-- sending her suggestive texts and what not. I did my best to shove my feelings down into the pit of my stomach, since I didn't know what else to do with them, and I just came home.
Then I watched TV for hours. And guess what? I finally finished all of Lost!!!! So, I'm all caught up and the pressure of those marathons of Lost has dissipated. I don't have to watch another episode until we get a new one on Thursday. Phew! I think I went to bed at around 3:00 AM. I felt like my gut was chewing itself apart and tearing at all the walls of my insides.
Today I had brunch with StarGazer and another friend from AA (I can't remember if I've given her a blog name). It was raining out and I walked past the wreckage from that crane. On the way home, I smoked cigarettes and didn't care if my hair got wet. It felt a little liberating. But really, I just felt like crying. Nobody understands why I'm still in this thing. I don't understand it either. There is nowhere to go for comfort, for understanding. There is no one who can shut this off except me, and I just- can't- do- it. I just can't. I just can't. But I hate this so fucking much.
I hate it.
Anyway, for the rest of the afternoon today, I've been working on my apartment-- cleaning, organizing and trying not to vomit my soul out into the toilet. Even if I did, there would be nothing to do next except clean the toilet. I know he has dinner plans tonight on the Upper East Side for his friend M's birthday. I'm kind of obsessing about it and then telling myself to shut up.
Oh, and I'm dreading St. Patrick's Day. I hated it even when I was drinking. I never had fun on that day and my neighborhood gets colonized by drunks. Now it's 10 times worse.
But... that's it for now. I'm listening to a million different versions of the song "Hallelujah." And I just ordered Indian food off "seamless web." Oh, and Hammer just IM'd me. So, I think I'm gonna spell check and then get off blogger. I need to stop obsessing about myself anyway.
love,
h
* Oh, this light, how long before it was extinguished!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Toiletries and Song
Finally... a day with a little less drama! Nothing too dramatic has happened in the past few days, but today is the first day I'm feeling grounded and a little more "normal."
I was stood up by a Professor on Tuesday evening, even though I scrambled to get to school between teaching and AA. It was really annoying. After the meeting, I went to the diner with Meema and some others, and then home to use all of my amazing new shower products.
I have been obsessed with smelling like coconut lately. Yes, that's right... I am obsessed with coconut. I have always loved coconuts. We have a long history. Coconut, coconut, coconut. Coconut everything. (Life would be simpler if I actually WERE a coconut). But, the point is, I bought a million coconut/vanilla products at Sabon on Friday and finally got to make luxurious use of them.
Narc wanted me to come down and see him again, but I felt a little guilty leaving my beloved cat for yet another night. I had already slept at his place the previous three nights in a row. I told him I wasn't sure, but then at around midnight, decided to go. I brought him chocolate chip cookies, we watched some TV and then went to bed.
Yesterday I had my voice lesson in the afternoon and worked my ass off singing Pace, pace mio dio. My voice teacher showed me a new technique of holding a scarf around my rib cage to better gauge what's going on with my breathing. I think it's going to really help when I practice. After that, I walked to therapy (which was a pretty long walk), had a great session and then texted Narc. B had invited me to a 6:00 PM concert that night at the Tribeca Arts Center, just a few blocks from where Narc lives. I got out of therapy at 4:00 and didn't really have time to go home, so I asked Narc if I could come back to his place until 5:45 or so.
When I got there, he was pretty much doing the same thing that he had been doing when I left-- wasting time on the Internet. He had gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a tea kettle. He said he was supposed to meet two writers later to talk about a rewrite for one of his scripts. I hung out on his bed, while he sat at the computer and then we both left together.
Once I got to B's concert, I was very confused. I seemed to be the only one there. The orchestra was up on stage rehearsing and when I caught B's eye, he signaled to me, asking what I was doing there.
You told me 6:00! I signalled back.
It turns out that the concert wasn't scheduled to start until 8:00, and that he had given me the rehearsal time instead. I was a little aggravated, but brushed it off as an honest mistake and settled into a seat in the auditorium with some reading for one of my papers.
I was really proud of B for last night. He has always fantasized about playing the cello and at every orchestra concert we've ever attended, he has been jealous of the cello section. He started playing just a few years ago, and just recently found a beginner level orchestra. It certainly wasn't a very polished performance, to say the least, but I was so happy to see him up there.
There were only two awkward moments in the course of the evening-- the first: B told me that he read my last blog post. I was entirely unaware that he ever bothered to still read my blog, and I felt completely embarrassed that he read all of that "love" stuff about Narc. The second: another friend of his at the concert mistook me for his wife. B quickly told her that I was his "best friend," but I still felt weird about it.
At the intermission, there was a mother and her two kids in the bathroom. One of the little girls, a chubby 6-year-old (or so) with frizzy hair in a cute little ponytail was jumping up and down, urging her mom to hurry up.
"We're gonna miss it! We're gonna miss it, mommy!" she kept saying.
Her mom was basically ignoring her, trying to take care of her little sister.
"Mommy, I don't want to miss it! When I hear music... it makes me want to FLY!" she exclaimed.
It was so beautiful to me-- that this mediocre concert so touched the heart of that little girl. She was filled with such simple appreciation and wonder. I felt like I was going to cry. She reminded me a little bit of myself when I was little and for some reason, that made me feel sad.
Anyway, they made it back to their seats in time, as did I, for the Fauré Requiem. Narc texted me during the intermission that his meeting was done, and asked about the concert. I told him it was only halfway through. At the end, I texted him again, asking if I should come by. He said he wanted to just read and go to bed early. In a way, I was grateful. I think (for the first time ever?) I was a little sick of spending all that time with him.
I'm still confused about where he is on all of that. I can't get the image out of my head, of our two toothbrushes together in his medicine cabinet. They are laying front to back, almost as if they are spooning each other.
In any case, it was good for me to sleep at home last night. I got to catch up on a little more Lost. (Narc has completely left me in the dust and is able to watch new episodes now. I'm still in the middle of Season 3).
This morning he sent me another text:
Finally got James on the phone, at least all that's over with... Ugh, talk about needing a drink...!
I wrote back:
Oh, man! Just be nice to yourself today. It's almost Easter-- death & resurrection are in the air. It's a good thing. And I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. :)
He didn't answer after that. So... I just continued on my day and taught my first class. I'm feeling a little run down, so I kind of can't wait for the day to be over. Maybe I need another date with my coconut body scrub. But overall, everything is okay right now.
love,
h
I was stood up by a Professor on Tuesday evening, even though I scrambled to get to school between teaching and AA. It was really annoying. After the meeting, I went to the diner with Meema and some others, and then home to use all of my amazing new shower products.
I have been obsessed with smelling like coconut lately. Yes, that's right... I am obsessed with coconut. I have always loved coconuts. We have a long history. Coconut, coconut, coconut. Coconut everything. (Life would be simpler if I actually WERE a coconut). But, the point is, I bought a million coconut/vanilla products at Sabon on Friday and finally got to make luxurious use of them.
Narc wanted me to come down and see him again, but I felt a little guilty leaving my beloved cat for yet another night. I had already slept at his place the previous three nights in a row. I told him I wasn't sure, but then at around midnight, decided to go. I brought him chocolate chip cookies, we watched some TV and then went to bed.
Yesterday I had my voice lesson in the afternoon and worked my ass off singing Pace, pace mio dio. My voice teacher showed me a new technique of holding a scarf around my rib cage to better gauge what's going on with my breathing. I think it's going to really help when I practice. After that, I walked to therapy (which was a pretty long walk), had a great session and then texted Narc. B had invited me to a 6:00 PM concert that night at the Tribeca Arts Center, just a few blocks from where Narc lives. I got out of therapy at 4:00 and didn't really have time to go home, so I asked Narc if I could come back to his place until 5:45 or so.
When I got there, he was pretty much doing the same thing that he had been doing when I left-- wasting time on the Internet. He had gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a tea kettle. He said he was supposed to meet two writers later to talk about a rewrite for one of his scripts. I hung out on his bed, while he sat at the computer and then we both left together.
Once I got to B's concert, I was very confused. I seemed to be the only one there. The orchestra was up on stage rehearsing and when I caught B's eye, he signaled to me, asking what I was doing there.
You told me 6:00! I signalled back.
It turns out that the concert wasn't scheduled to start until 8:00, and that he had given me the rehearsal time instead. I was a little aggravated, but brushed it off as an honest mistake and settled into a seat in the auditorium with some reading for one of my papers.
I was really proud of B for last night. He has always fantasized about playing the cello and at every orchestra concert we've ever attended, he has been jealous of the cello section. He started playing just a few years ago, and just recently found a beginner level orchestra. It certainly wasn't a very polished performance, to say the least, but I was so happy to see him up there.
There were only two awkward moments in the course of the evening-- the first: B told me that he read my last blog post. I was entirely unaware that he ever bothered to still read my blog, and I felt completely embarrassed that he read all of that "love" stuff about Narc. The second: another friend of his at the concert mistook me for his wife. B quickly told her that I was his "best friend," but I still felt weird about it.
At the intermission, there was a mother and her two kids in the bathroom. One of the little girls, a chubby 6-year-old (or so) with frizzy hair in a cute little ponytail was jumping up and down, urging her mom to hurry up.
"We're gonna miss it! We're gonna miss it, mommy!" she kept saying.
Her mom was basically ignoring her, trying to take care of her little sister.
"Mommy, I don't want to miss it! When I hear music... it makes me want to FLY!" she exclaimed.
It was so beautiful to me-- that this mediocre concert so touched the heart of that little girl. She was filled with such simple appreciation and wonder. I felt like I was going to cry. She reminded me a little bit of myself when I was little and for some reason, that made me feel sad.
Anyway, they made it back to their seats in time, as did I, for the Fauré Requiem. Narc texted me during the intermission that his meeting was done, and asked about the concert. I told him it was only halfway through. At the end, I texted him again, asking if I should come by. He said he wanted to just read and go to bed early. In a way, I was grateful. I think (for the first time ever?) I was a little sick of spending all that time with him.
I'm still confused about where he is on all of that. I can't get the image out of my head, of our two toothbrushes together in his medicine cabinet. They are laying front to back, almost as if they are spooning each other.
In any case, it was good for me to sleep at home last night. I got to catch up on a little more Lost. (Narc has completely left me in the dust and is able to watch new episodes now. I'm still in the middle of Season 3).
This morning he sent me another text:
Finally got James on the phone, at least all that's over with... Ugh, talk about needing a drink...!
I wrote back:
Oh, man! Just be nice to yourself today. It's almost Easter-- death & resurrection are in the air. It's a good thing. And I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. :)
He didn't answer after that. So... I just continued on my day and taught my first class. I'm feeling a little run down, so I kind of can't wait for the day to be over. Maybe I need another date with my coconut body scrub. But overall, everything is okay right now.
love,
h
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Who knows...
At last... I finally have a moment to post something. (Although I probably should be catching up on some reading for my research paper, but whatever...) Things are a million times better than when I posted last week and I suppose I should remember that-- that no matter how bad I'm feeling at any given time, it most certainly will pass.
Anyway, a lot has been happening. On Thursday I was anxiously awaiting contact from Narc after sending that text to him on Wednesday night-- that I wanted to explain why I needed space. He called at around 3:30 while I was in my office. He sounded like he had just gotten out of bed.
"My office-mate is here, so I really can't talk right now," I said. "Can I call you later tonight?"
"Sure."
"After AA-- around 9:00?"
"Yeah, fine."
So, I managed to slog through the rest of the day. I was happy to see StarGazer at AA-- a friendly face, solace from the chaos in my head. When I got out of the meeting, Narc had sent me a text telling me that he had gone to dinner with his friend Smith. I wrote back that he should call me before midnight or else we could talk the next day. I didn't want to try to do this over a drunken phone call at 3:00 AM.
I went home that night and watched old episodes of The Sopranos. Surprisingly, Narc called at around 11:30.
"What's up?" he said.
"Not much... just here watching TV."
"I think I have to break it off with ModelChick and James."
"What?"
"Yeah-- I found out that James fucked her. I specifically asked him not to."
We talked about that for a while longer. ModelChick is Narc's ex-girlfriend and still friend. Apparently James used to hit on her and Narc specifically asked him not to sleep with her. He said that he was determined to completely end his relationship with both of them. I felt bad for him. But then again, he chooses the shittiest people to spend his time with.
Because we were talking about James (and what a whore he can be) Narc mentioned LA-Girl (in the context of James fucking her in LA). I took my opening and just blurted it out.
"Yeah, LA-Girl..." I muttered. "Narc-- are you dating her?"
My heart was in my throat after I said it.
"What? No!" he exclaimed.
"Because that's what I wanted to talk to you about," I went on. "I think you're dating her."
"I'm not. Why would you think that?"
"Because you said your Oscar party was just guys and then later said she was there. And then on Friday when I asked you what you were up to, you blatantly ignored my question and that was the night you saw her..."
"She just came by on Oscar night!" he said. "It's not like I invited her-- she just stopped by!"
"She knew where you lived?"
"Well, no-- she called about doing the movie and then I told her I had people over and she should swing by. It wasn't a big deal. And on that Friday I met her for a meeting about the movie at Flor del Sol. She only came back here so we could print the script. It wasn't a date. And that's the only time I saw her."
I wanted to say that I KNEW he saw her again on Monday night, but I couldn't.
"Look, it's not about the specifics," I said. "Obviously, you're not my boyfriend, you can date whomever you want. I'm just saying-- I'm uncomfortable. I haven't been sleeping well at your house. Remember how I woke up so early on Sunday?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"And then again on Wednesday-- I just woke up alert. I didn't feel right. I don't feel right being in a sexual relationship with someone who is dating or pursuing somebody else."
"I'm not dating or pursuing LA-Girl."
"Well, if not LA-Girl, then whoever... but the point is that I feel too vulnerable being sexually intimate with you and not knowing if at any moment I'm going to turn around and you'll be gone. You're not the only one who got hurt from that whole thing with PopStar, you know."
"What are you talking about?"
"Narc! I was seeing you for three years and you know that I love you. And then one day you told me in a text message that you were dating PopStar and had to disappear for a while."
"Well, I couldn't very well go on seeing both of you at the same time."
"I know, but there could have been some discussion... some warning! And then, while I was in bed with you a few months after that, you told me you were getting married. I'm just saying, Narc... it hurt. I won't go through it again. I just won't go through it."
"At some point, we'll both have to be dating someone else," he answered.
"I know. But as soon as it's on the horizon, I want out. I'm just asking you-- out of friendship, out of respect for me, if you are interested in someone else or start to date someone else, please, please, please tell me so that I can protect myself emotionally. It's one thing if we're both in between people and fucking around. It's another if you're seeing someone. I don't want to be in that."
"That's fair," he said. "But, Hyde-- I'm not dating LA-Girl. You know everything about me! I probably tell you too much already. Seriously, why would I date her? She fucked James and she has herpes."
"I don't know... I just had to say what I had to say."
"Well, okay."
There was a considerable pause.
"So... do you want to come down?" he asked.
"I don't think I can tonight. I'm meeting Brick pretty early tomorrow and I need sleep. I've been exhausted from all this... waiting to talk to you, you know..."
"I would have called sooner, but I was passed out when you left that message. I was out with James before that. It's when I found out about him and ModelChick."
"Yeah, ok. Let's just check in tomorrow or whatever."
And that was that.
So, I went to bed that night with a measure of peace.
The next morning, my phone rang at 8:30.
"Hyde!!! I'm almost to your house!!"
It was Brick. I hadn't seen him since July. Thursday was his birthday and he was in town visiting his boyfriend, friends and family. It was awesome to see him again. He was the exact same Brick-- a whirlwind. He was shocked at how much weight I've lost, so that was kind of fun. We hung out at my place for a little while and then walked up to the Morning Star Diner (one of our former favorite haunts) and got breakfast. After breakfast, Brick needed to go find LA Dodger hats because he forgot to bring them from LA for his nephews and niece. So, we walked over to a place on 5th Avenue where he picked up the hats and had the kids' initials embroidered. At around 11:30, we said goodbye and I headed off to school.
Hammer and some other students had organized a writing workshop in which several well-published professors from our department would give writing tips and suggestions to students. It was a great event and it was good to feel some department-community for once. The highlight of the afternoon, though, was ProfFascism. We had him in our first year and he used to be super straight-laced. He's a good looking guy in his late 30's and used to be clean shaven and wear a suit and tie and a wedding ring every day. On Friday he showed up kind of rumpled, with the "sexy stubble" and a mega tattoo snaking down his entire forearm onto his hand. Oh-- and there was no wedding ring. It was a total transformation. I would definitely be crushing on him if we had him for class now.
After the workshop, I had to leave right away and head downtown to meet my friend IronChef. IronChef is a few years older than I am. She had been my boss at my first job out of college-- at a major music management company. The last time I saw her, a year and a half ago, she was leaving for Taiwan to work for the Taipei cultural ministry. Now, she was back, having quit that job. We met in SoHo at a little cafe and caught up on both of our lives. She's hoping to stay in NY permanently, but of course has to get the visa stuff straightened out. She already has one job offer from another very prestigious music management company. I'm sure she'll figure it all out!
When I left the cafe, it was raining and I was carrying a stack of library books. I tried my best to shield them with my coat. Cabs were scarce, as I was not far from the Holland Tunnel. I finally managed to find one, although I walked as far as Church Street and was semi-drenched.
I settled in back at home, showered and ate something and before long, Narc sent me a text. I asked him if he had "broken up" with James. He said he had tried, but James brought another friend to lunch, so it had to wait. Then he invited me down.
It was a nice night. Things seemed back to "normal," although I suppose there is really no such thing as "normal" when it comes to me and Narc. We watched some Lost, hung out for a bit and eventually went to bed.
On Saturday morning, I had to leave his place around noon in order to meet the rest of my family for my cousin's birthday lunch. Jol, the youngest of my cousins is a student at NYU and just turned 21. We met at Pete's Tavern on Irving Place. My mom had an old friend that lives nearby (the friend with whom she met my dad, actually), and so she gave her friend a call. She came down to the restaurant to say hi, and that was kind of interesting. The lunch was nice and it's always good to see my sisters and the boys. Unfortunately, I had to cut it short because I had signed up for an AA bowling trip taking place across town.
So, I raced across town to Port Authority (where I had horrible memories of coming down off coke the morning I went to go see Hammer in DC) and went up to the bowling alley. There were so many of us there. It was awesome! And everyone was having so much fun. I joined a game and was the high scorer. (That's not saying much, though, with a score of 111).
After bowling, Pixie and I caught up for a bit, as she shared a cab with me back to the East Side. She was headed to our group's Saturday night meeting, but I couldn't go, as I had plans with NDN.
NDN is working a new job now, for which he has been given a company car. He wanted to go off and find some kind of "adventure" that would make use of the car. He decided to take me to Valentino's-- a little Italian restaurant up in Yonkers that he used to frequent with his family as a kid. When I knocked on his door at around 7:30, he was a sight to behold. He was dressed entirely like a guido, and I have to say-- it rather suited him. He is such a weirdo, sometimes, that I have to laugh. Even though I was not in "costume," we hit the road and it wasn't long before we were dining on some delicious zuppa di pesce. It was definitely well worth the trip for the laughs alone. NDN thinks the place has ties to the mob and the bouncer at the door seemed to fit his theory.
Anyway, we were home by around 10:30 PM and I was exhausted!! Even so, I could hardly sleep that night. I just felt so wound up. I think it was 4:00 AM (not helped by the fact that we turned the clocks) by the time I got some rest.
The next day, when I opened my eyes, it was 1:51 PM. Shit!! I was late to meet Brick and his friends for brunch!! Brick had scheduled a 2:00 PM brunch at Norma's (in the Parker Meridian hotel). I sent him a text, got dressed as fast as I could and hopped in a cab. It was nice to meet his other people-- people I've heard so much about, especially his boyfriend. One of his other friends from college is also in the program, so I took her number. Afterwards, I gave Brick a sad hug goodbye and was on my way.
I stopped off in Sabon for a little more retail therapy before getting home. Narc and I had been texting throughout the afternoon and at around 8:00 PM, he invited me to come down and meet him at Blaue Gans. I wasn't really prepared for the night that I was given once I got there.
Narc had been meeting with the DP for his movie (if it ever gets made!!). When I arrived, he was outside on the street smoking. I waited for him to finish and then we took our seats at the bar. I asked him if he had done his "breakup" yet with either James or ModelChick.
"James, not yet, but ModelChick-- yeah, today on the phone."
We talked about that for a long time. He was really upset with them both and kept going on about the poor quality of people in his life.
"The worst part is, that I could have seen this coming!" he said.
"No, that's the best part," I told him. "That part is in your control. This doesn't have to happen again."
He talked for a while more about how he wants to rid his life of all of the "duplicitous" people in it.
"You really see who your friends are in a time of crisis," he said. "When I was in the hospital last year, James didn't come once to see me."
"But you do have real friends," I said. "CouchSleeper was there all the time."
And so was I! I wanted to add, but didn't.
I didn't have to add it. Narc thought it too. He put his arm around me. He ordered me something to eat. He was being so affectionate towards me that night.
Back at his place, things got stranger. Perhaps, though, it was all just a mirage. Who knows.
"We watch too much TV together," he said. "And I don't want that to be what we're about."
"I agree."
"So, let's do something else."
"Ok. I'm game. What do you want to do?"
Narc suggested listening to the new NIN album (just released on their website) and watching Brian Eno's "77 Million Paintings."
"Come here," he said, pulling me in close on his chest. He kissed me.
"I love you," he said.
"What?"
"I love you so much. I don't tell you that enough, Hyde. But, I love you and I always have."
I didn't really know what to say.
"I love you too," I said. But the words sounded strange coming out of my mouth.
"You've always been there for me... no matter what," he said, before kissing me again.
I can't tell you for how long I've been starving to hear those words. Here they were, and I had no fucking clue where to put them!
The night went on like that. We made out for a few hours. It was so intense. I don't want to record it all here. I'd rather it be ephemeral and magical-- like one of those 77 million paintings that will never reappear.
We listened to a piece that he had composed in college. I think he was a little embarrassed I would criticize it. But everything was so beautiful and he made himself so vulnerable.
He wasn't drunk at all when we got to his place, but he poured himself a few more at his apartment. And he was getting tipsy.
"If you're going to be my girl, Hyde," he said, "if I'm going to love, love you... you have to be more of a gamer chick."
"You don't love, love me?"
"I do love, love you. But if I'm going to love, love, LOVE you..."
"Ok... So what's a gamer chick?"
("Your girl?" What does that mean?!?!)
"A gamer!" he said. "You've got to beat some games."
"Narc, I really suck at those games. I don't even know how to use the controllers. But I can try."
"That's all I ask!" he exclaimed. "I only ask that you try! I'd try to play piano for you, you know."
That was the weirdest analogy ever, but ok....
"Yeah, but I wouldn't expect you to be able to sit down and play Beethoven in one night," I smiled.
"Just willingness."
"I'm definitely willing," I answered.
So, he put on Heavenly Sword. It was a gorgeous game, and I played for a while, but it was almost 3:00 AM and I was super tired.
"Can't we go to bed soon?" I asked.
"Not until you pass this part! I know you can do it!"
I had to sit there trying to master some canon-shooting scene while he cheered me on. I was desperately happy when I got it on the fourth try, but only because I wanted to go to bed and I felt like I was losing control of the situation.
I was happy back in bed with him though. He pulled me close in the dark.
"I like sleeping next to you, Hyde."
"I like sleeping here too. I always sleep well here."
"I don't want you to ever, ever go to sleep here again not knowing how much I love you," he said. "I always love you. Always!!"
"Ok, Narc."
"And you can sleep here every night if you want."
"Thank you."
"I will never leave you," he said.
I tried to close my ears to it, so that my head wouldn't explode. I can't even begin to explain how many emotions and thoughts were racing across my brain all at once.
Just let yourself be happy right now, Hyde. Just let it go and enjoy this moment and go to sleep.
The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I found my toothbrush in the cabinet next to his-- this after he had specifically told me (a few months ago) that it had to be stored under the sink so that it didn't have any "meaning." Strange.
He was equally loving in the morning, even free of all the alcohol. And it was perfect being intimate with him. When I left, he kissed me and told me that he would see me later and to call when I got through with my obligations. (Huh? What the fuck is going on??)
All of that said and done, I couldn't stick around all day. I was supposed to meet Hammer to do some work, but had to cancel and get to school to meet a Professor. After that, I grabbed coffee with B and then headed up to Columbia to hear Catherine Hall, a British historian, give a lecture.
The talk was very interesting-- she was applying the methodology of a social historian to the subject matter of intellectual historians. Perhaps I will blog more about that later.
When I got out, I texted Narc.
At BG with Smith. Come by? he replied.
So... he was inviting me to meet him while he was out with a friend other than James??? Again-- what the fuck is going on? I told him I had to stop home first, but eventually got down there at around 9:45 PM.
Smith said that he had met me before and that he knew who I was. I smiled and said "nice to see you again," but I don't think I've met him. I wouldn't forget something like that-- you know me and my obsessive chronicling and obsessvie memory! Narc put his hand on my leg, as if we were a couple. They were talking about getting shares out in the Hamptons this summer.
Back at his place a little while later, I ate an orange and polished my nails. He smoked a few cigarettes. We watched The Prestige. He performed a really awesome card trick (and I owed him a kiss at the end). It all felt almost real. Then we went to sleep at around 1:00 AM and I left this morning to come teach. He has already texted me to "call later." I don't know how to process all this. He's acting like I'm his girlfriend.
Anyway, I've been talking to Cherubino at it and that has all been giving me a lot of anxiety and some resentment. I want to write more about that, but I have to go teach in another ten minutes and don't have time. So, I'll leave it at that for now.
Who knows...
love,
h
Anyway, a lot has been happening. On Thursday I was anxiously awaiting contact from Narc after sending that text to him on Wednesday night-- that I wanted to explain why I needed space. He called at around 3:30 while I was in my office. He sounded like he had just gotten out of bed.
"My office-mate is here, so I really can't talk right now," I said. "Can I call you later tonight?"
"Sure."
"After AA-- around 9:00?"
"Yeah, fine."
So, I managed to slog through the rest of the day. I was happy to see StarGazer at AA-- a friendly face, solace from the chaos in my head. When I got out of the meeting, Narc had sent me a text telling me that he had gone to dinner with his friend Smith. I wrote back that he should call me before midnight or else we could talk the next day. I didn't want to try to do this over a drunken phone call at 3:00 AM.
I went home that night and watched old episodes of The Sopranos. Surprisingly, Narc called at around 11:30.
"What's up?" he said.
"Not much... just here watching TV."
"I think I have to break it off with ModelChick and James."
"What?"
"Yeah-- I found out that James fucked her. I specifically asked him not to."
We talked about that for a while longer. ModelChick is Narc's ex-girlfriend and still friend. Apparently James used to hit on her and Narc specifically asked him not to sleep with her. He said that he was determined to completely end his relationship with both of them. I felt bad for him. But then again, he chooses the shittiest people to spend his time with.
Because we were talking about James (and what a whore he can be) Narc mentioned LA-Girl (in the context of James fucking her in LA). I took my opening and just blurted it out.
"Yeah, LA-Girl..." I muttered. "Narc-- are you dating her?"
My heart was in my throat after I said it.
"What? No!" he exclaimed.
"Because that's what I wanted to talk to you about," I went on. "I think you're dating her."
"I'm not. Why would you think that?"
"Because you said your Oscar party was just guys and then later said she was there. And then on Friday when I asked you what you were up to, you blatantly ignored my question and that was the night you saw her..."
"She just came by on Oscar night!" he said. "It's not like I invited her-- she just stopped by!"
"She knew where you lived?"
"Well, no-- she called about doing the movie and then I told her I had people over and she should swing by. It wasn't a big deal. And on that Friday I met her for a meeting about the movie at Flor del Sol. She only came back here so we could print the script. It wasn't a date. And that's the only time I saw her."
I wanted to say that I KNEW he saw her again on Monday night, but I couldn't.
"Look, it's not about the specifics," I said. "Obviously, you're not my boyfriend, you can date whomever you want. I'm just saying-- I'm uncomfortable. I haven't been sleeping well at your house. Remember how I woke up so early on Sunday?"
"Yeah, I remember."
"And then again on Wednesday-- I just woke up alert. I didn't feel right. I don't feel right being in a sexual relationship with someone who is dating or pursuing somebody else."
"I'm not dating or pursuing LA-Girl."
"Well, if not LA-Girl, then whoever... but the point is that I feel too vulnerable being sexually intimate with you and not knowing if at any moment I'm going to turn around and you'll be gone. You're not the only one who got hurt from that whole thing with PopStar, you know."
"What are you talking about?"
"Narc! I was seeing you for three years and you know that I love you. And then one day you told me in a text message that you were dating PopStar and had to disappear for a while."
"Well, I couldn't very well go on seeing both of you at the same time."
"I know, but there could have been some discussion... some warning! And then, while I was in bed with you a few months after that, you told me you were getting married. I'm just saying, Narc... it hurt. I won't go through it again. I just won't go through it."
"At some point, we'll both have to be dating someone else," he answered.
"I know. But as soon as it's on the horizon, I want out. I'm just asking you-- out of friendship, out of respect for me, if you are interested in someone else or start to date someone else, please, please, please tell me so that I can protect myself emotionally. It's one thing if we're both in between people and fucking around. It's another if you're seeing someone. I don't want to be in that."
"That's fair," he said. "But, Hyde-- I'm not dating LA-Girl. You know everything about me! I probably tell you too much already. Seriously, why would I date her? She fucked James and she has herpes."
"I don't know... I just had to say what I had to say."
"Well, okay."
There was a considerable pause.
"So... do you want to come down?" he asked.
"I don't think I can tonight. I'm meeting Brick pretty early tomorrow and I need sleep. I've been exhausted from all this... waiting to talk to you, you know..."
"I would have called sooner, but I was passed out when you left that message. I was out with James before that. It's when I found out about him and ModelChick."
"Yeah, ok. Let's just check in tomorrow or whatever."
And that was that.
So, I went to bed that night with a measure of peace.
The next morning, my phone rang at 8:30.
"Hyde!!! I'm almost to your house!!"
It was Brick. I hadn't seen him since July. Thursday was his birthday and he was in town visiting his boyfriend, friends and family. It was awesome to see him again. He was the exact same Brick-- a whirlwind. He was shocked at how much weight I've lost, so that was kind of fun. We hung out at my place for a little while and then walked up to the Morning Star Diner (one of our former favorite haunts) and got breakfast. After breakfast, Brick needed to go find LA Dodger hats because he forgot to bring them from LA for his nephews and niece. So, we walked over to a place on 5th Avenue where he picked up the hats and had the kids' initials embroidered. At around 11:30, we said goodbye and I headed off to school.
Hammer and some other students had organized a writing workshop in which several well-published professors from our department would give writing tips and suggestions to students. It was a great event and it was good to feel some department-community for once. The highlight of the afternoon, though, was ProfFascism. We had him in our first year and he used to be super straight-laced. He's a good looking guy in his late 30's and used to be clean shaven and wear a suit and tie and a wedding ring every day. On Friday he showed up kind of rumpled, with the "sexy stubble" and a mega tattoo snaking down his entire forearm onto his hand. Oh-- and there was no wedding ring. It was a total transformation. I would definitely be crushing on him if we had him for class now.
After the workshop, I had to leave right away and head downtown to meet my friend IronChef. IronChef is a few years older than I am. She had been my boss at my first job out of college-- at a major music management company. The last time I saw her, a year and a half ago, she was leaving for Taiwan to work for the Taipei cultural ministry. Now, she was back, having quit that job. We met in SoHo at a little cafe and caught up on both of our lives. She's hoping to stay in NY permanently, but of course has to get the visa stuff straightened out. She already has one job offer from another very prestigious music management company. I'm sure she'll figure it all out!
When I left the cafe, it was raining and I was carrying a stack of library books. I tried my best to shield them with my coat. Cabs were scarce, as I was not far from the Holland Tunnel. I finally managed to find one, although I walked as far as Church Street and was semi-drenched.
I settled in back at home, showered and ate something and before long, Narc sent me a text. I asked him if he had "broken up" with James. He said he had tried, but James brought another friend to lunch, so it had to wait. Then he invited me down.
It was a nice night. Things seemed back to "normal," although I suppose there is really no such thing as "normal" when it comes to me and Narc. We watched some Lost, hung out for a bit and eventually went to bed.
On Saturday morning, I had to leave his place around noon in order to meet the rest of my family for my cousin's birthday lunch. Jol, the youngest of my cousins is a student at NYU and just turned 21. We met at Pete's Tavern on Irving Place. My mom had an old friend that lives nearby (the friend with whom she met my dad, actually), and so she gave her friend a call. She came down to the restaurant to say hi, and that was kind of interesting. The lunch was nice and it's always good to see my sisters and the boys. Unfortunately, I had to cut it short because I had signed up for an AA bowling trip taking place across town.
So, I raced across town to Port Authority (where I had horrible memories of coming down off coke the morning I went to go see Hammer in DC) and went up to the bowling alley. There were so many of us there. It was awesome! And everyone was having so much fun. I joined a game and was the high scorer. (That's not saying much, though, with a score of 111).
After bowling, Pixie and I caught up for a bit, as she shared a cab with me back to the East Side. She was headed to our group's Saturday night meeting, but I couldn't go, as I had plans with NDN.
NDN is working a new job now, for which he has been given a company car. He wanted to go off and find some kind of "adventure" that would make use of the car. He decided to take me to Valentino's-- a little Italian restaurant up in Yonkers that he used to frequent with his family as a kid. When I knocked on his door at around 7:30, he was a sight to behold. He was dressed entirely like a guido, and I have to say-- it rather suited him. He is such a weirdo, sometimes, that I have to laugh. Even though I was not in "costume," we hit the road and it wasn't long before we were dining on some delicious zuppa di pesce. It was definitely well worth the trip for the laughs alone. NDN thinks the place has ties to the mob and the bouncer at the door seemed to fit his theory.
Anyway, we were home by around 10:30 PM and I was exhausted!! Even so, I could hardly sleep that night. I just felt so wound up. I think it was 4:00 AM (not helped by the fact that we turned the clocks) by the time I got some rest.
The next day, when I opened my eyes, it was 1:51 PM. Shit!! I was late to meet Brick and his friends for brunch!! Brick had scheduled a 2:00 PM brunch at Norma's (in the Parker Meridian hotel). I sent him a text, got dressed as fast as I could and hopped in a cab. It was nice to meet his other people-- people I've heard so much about, especially his boyfriend. One of his other friends from college is also in the program, so I took her number. Afterwards, I gave Brick a sad hug goodbye and was on my way.
I stopped off in Sabon for a little more retail therapy before getting home. Narc and I had been texting throughout the afternoon and at around 8:00 PM, he invited me to come down and meet him at Blaue Gans. I wasn't really prepared for the night that I was given once I got there.
Narc had been meeting with the DP for his movie (if it ever gets made!!). When I arrived, he was outside on the street smoking. I waited for him to finish and then we took our seats at the bar. I asked him if he had done his "breakup" yet with either James or ModelChick.
"James, not yet, but ModelChick-- yeah, today on the phone."
We talked about that for a long time. He was really upset with them both and kept going on about the poor quality of people in his life.
"The worst part is, that I could have seen this coming!" he said.
"No, that's the best part," I told him. "That part is in your control. This doesn't have to happen again."
He talked for a while more about how he wants to rid his life of all of the "duplicitous" people in it.
"You really see who your friends are in a time of crisis," he said. "When I was in the hospital last year, James didn't come once to see me."
"But you do have real friends," I said. "CouchSleeper was there all the time."
And so was I! I wanted to add, but didn't.
I didn't have to add it. Narc thought it too. He put his arm around me. He ordered me something to eat. He was being so affectionate towards me that night.
Back at his place, things got stranger. Perhaps, though, it was all just a mirage. Who knows.
"We watch too much TV together," he said. "And I don't want that to be what we're about."
"I agree."
"So, let's do something else."
"Ok. I'm game. What do you want to do?"
Narc suggested listening to the new NIN album (just released on their website) and watching Brian Eno's "77 Million Paintings."
"Come here," he said, pulling me in close on his chest. He kissed me.
"I love you," he said.
"What?"
"I love you so much. I don't tell you that enough, Hyde. But, I love you and I always have."
I didn't really know what to say.
"I love you too," I said. But the words sounded strange coming out of my mouth.
"You've always been there for me... no matter what," he said, before kissing me again.
I can't tell you for how long I've been starving to hear those words. Here they were, and I had no fucking clue where to put them!
The night went on like that. We made out for a few hours. It was so intense. I don't want to record it all here. I'd rather it be ephemeral and magical-- like one of those 77 million paintings that will never reappear.
We listened to a piece that he had composed in college. I think he was a little embarrassed I would criticize it. But everything was so beautiful and he made himself so vulnerable.
He wasn't drunk at all when we got to his place, but he poured himself a few more at his apartment. And he was getting tipsy.
"If you're going to be my girl, Hyde," he said, "if I'm going to love, love you... you have to be more of a gamer chick."
"You don't love, love me?"
"I do love, love you. But if I'm going to love, love, LOVE you..."
"Ok... So what's a gamer chick?"
("Your girl?" What does that mean?!?!)
"A gamer!" he said. "You've got to beat some games."
"Narc, I really suck at those games. I don't even know how to use the controllers. But I can try."
"That's all I ask!" he exclaimed. "I only ask that you try! I'd try to play piano for you, you know."
That was the weirdest analogy ever, but ok....
"Yeah, but I wouldn't expect you to be able to sit down and play Beethoven in one night," I smiled.
"Just willingness."
"I'm definitely willing," I answered.
So, he put on Heavenly Sword. It was a gorgeous game, and I played for a while, but it was almost 3:00 AM and I was super tired.
"Can't we go to bed soon?" I asked.
"Not until you pass this part! I know you can do it!"
I had to sit there trying to master some canon-shooting scene while he cheered me on. I was desperately happy when I got it on the fourth try, but only because I wanted to go to bed and I felt like I was losing control of the situation.
I was happy back in bed with him though. He pulled me close in the dark.
"I like sleeping next to you, Hyde."
"I like sleeping here too. I always sleep well here."
"I don't want you to ever, ever go to sleep here again not knowing how much I love you," he said. "I always love you. Always!!"
"Ok, Narc."
"And you can sleep here every night if you want."
"Thank you."
"I will never leave you," he said.
I tried to close my ears to it, so that my head wouldn't explode. I can't even begin to explain how many emotions and thoughts were racing across my brain all at once.
Just let yourself be happy right now, Hyde. Just let it go and enjoy this moment and go to sleep.
The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I found my toothbrush in the cabinet next to his-- this after he had specifically told me (a few months ago) that it had to be stored under the sink so that it didn't have any "meaning." Strange.
He was equally loving in the morning, even free of all the alcohol. And it was perfect being intimate with him. When I left, he kissed me and told me that he would see me later and to call when I got through with my obligations. (Huh? What the fuck is going on??)
All of that said and done, I couldn't stick around all day. I was supposed to meet Hammer to do some work, but had to cancel and get to school to meet a Professor. After that, I grabbed coffee with B and then headed up to Columbia to hear Catherine Hall, a British historian, give a lecture.
The talk was very interesting-- she was applying the methodology of a social historian to the subject matter of intellectual historians. Perhaps I will blog more about that later.
When I got out, I texted Narc.
At BG with Smith. Come by? he replied.
So... he was inviting me to meet him while he was out with a friend other than James??? Again-- what the fuck is going on? I told him I had to stop home first, but eventually got down there at around 9:45 PM.
Smith said that he had met me before and that he knew who I was. I smiled and said "nice to see you again," but I don't think I've met him. I wouldn't forget something like that-- you know me and my obsessive chronicling and obsessvie memory! Narc put his hand on my leg, as if we were a couple. They were talking about getting shares out in the Hamptons this summer.
Back at his place a little while later, I ate an orange and polished my nails. He smoked a few cigarettes. We watched The Prestige. He performed a really awesome card trick (and I owed him a kiss at the end). It all felt almost real. Then we went to sleep at around 1:00 AM and I left this morning to come teach. He has already texted me to "call later." I don't know how to process all this. He's acting like I'm his girlfriend.
Anyway, I've been talking to Cherubino at it and that has all been giving me a lot of anxiety and some resentment. I want to write more about that, but I have to go teach in another ten minutes and don't have time. So, I'll leave it at that for now.
Who knows...
love,
h
Saturday, March 8, 2008
The Storm has Passed
I'm feeling much, much better. Narc and I talked on Thursday night and I saw him last night. I have a lot to write out here, but not much time. It has been an insanely busy weekend so far...
Thanks for everyone's support. It means a lot.
I'll be back with more...
love,
h
Thanks for everyone's support. It means a lot.
I'll be back with more...
love,
h
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Getting what I asked for...
So, I made it through the night and today is another day. Um... well, I only "made it through" depending on how you interpret that statement. I did leave him a message. I told him that I wanted to talk to him to explain what I had said earlier that morning.
I was talking to VJ about all of this on the phone last night and she said that she always feels better in these situations when the ball is in her court-- when she hasn't been the last one to make contact. That makes sense, but for some reason, I feel better when I'm waiting for him. If he's waiting for me, there's too much pressure on me to do something; my action or inaction has too much impact. It scares me.
I felt a little relief after I left the message. Of course, he didn't call me back. He probably won't for a while. But then again, isn't that what I asked for?
Here is the rock:
I DON'T WANT SPACE
Here is the hard place:
I CAN'T COPE WITH HIM PURSUING SOMEONE ELSE.
And here I am in between the two, with nowhere to go.
I am obsessing today. I am distracted and my heart is racing. I can't eat much, but I kind of like the feeling of being emptied.
It's only day two... Day TWO! I keep telling myself. Think about day 2 when you stopped drinking. Life is NOTHING like Day 2 now! It has to get better. It has to get better.
But will it? Will I allow it to? Do I want it to? I want to stop hurting, but I don't want to lose him.
Last year at this time was the exact moment when he told me that PopStar was back. Well, he didn't really tell me upfront. Instead, he just stopped talking to me. I was confused and devastated. And so, I wrote him a letter:
I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt. I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.
Thanks.
Hyde
His reply after days of torment and silence:
Always fretting, you are!! Worry not my dear, just been extraordinarily busy as of late--haven't been keeping with quite a few people as a result (yourself included). Also, PopStar just back in from Moscow, so figuring out all of that etc. Pushing on with a few projects, will write or give a call soon.
--Narc
And then I just wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I wanted to slice myself to shreds. It's all there in the archives... all over last March!
I texted this to my sponsor almost exactly a year ago:
I'm dying. I want to text him so badly. Going to take a shower to keep myself away from the phone. I feel like I'm white knuckling it with Narc. It's maddening!!
How is it that I'm in the exact same space today.
How do I let myself do this over and over and over? How do I numb out the past and get amnesia about all of it? Just when I'm proud of myself for changing so much in my life, I'm reminded of my tendencies to live the same day, the same moment, the same emotion over and over and over and over. What is that about???
I guess reading the archives is helping a little. It's helping me to realize how long I've been suffering over all this. It's helping me remember that this does not make me feel good.
(But I don't care, says the little voice in my head. I don't care if I feel bad. I just want to be with him.)
I don't know...
In any case, I did my best to function yesterday. I went to my voice lesson, but my body was entirely deflated. I could only drag enough breath from my gut to power my voice through a few measures. I was pushing and my throat was closed. My shoulders wouldn't hold up. My teacher cut the lesson short at 45 minutes.
"You're just in no shape to sing today!" she remarked.
So, I went to Old Navy and bought a few things. It helped a little. Then I watched "Lost" in bed. I wonder if he's watching too...
(It's only been a day since you've seen him, Hyde! Stop this ridiculous romanticizing of your "separation"!)
This morning I prayed on the phone with Pixie. Then I dragged myself up and out to teach. We are doing Italian and German Unification, but I didn't really enjoy it. I just wanted to get through.
Brick is in town this weekend, though, and I'm going to get to see him tomorrow morning! I haven't seen him since July. Oh-- and it's his birthday today. He's got around 50 days sober again (I think). I just hope and pray that he gets it and finds happiness.
In other news, I'm upset with B. I'm feeling a little abandoned by old friends, but don't want to get into all of that here. It's just painful and seems to underscore all of these feelings I'm having about Narc.
But really-- how did I let this post get so utterly depressing? Didn't I empower myself when I said I needed space? Wasn't I in fact asking for what I need? Why is it so hard to remember that? Why does it hurt so much when it's only what I asked for?
I can't wait for today to be over. I want to go home. I need to get some sleep if I'm going to get through the insanely busy weekend ahead. Not only am I meeting up with Brick tomorrow, but I am going to a writing seminar at school and then I'm meeting another old friend--IronChef. She's back in town after 18 months in Taiwan.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I spewed out all of what I had to spew at the computer screen. I'm going to go try to do something productive now, before teaching my next class.
love,
h
I was talking to VJ about all of this on the phone last night and she said that she always feels better in these situations when the ball is in her court-- when she hasn't been the last one to make contact. That makes sense, but for some reason, I feel better when I'm waiting for him. If he's waiting for me, there's too much pressure on me to do something; my action or inaction has too much impact. It scares me.
I felt a little relief after I left the message. Of course, he didn't call me back. He probably won't for a while. But then again, isn't that what I asked for?
Here is the rock:
I DON'T WANT SPACE
Here is the hard place:
I CAN'T COPE WITH HIM PURSUING SOMEONE ELSE.
And here I am in between the two, with nowhere to go.
I am obsessing today. I am distracted and my heart is racing. I can't eat much, but I kind of like the feeling of being emptied.
It's only day two... Day TWO! I keep telling myself. Think about day 2 when you stopped drinking. Life is NOTHING like Day 2 now! It has to get better. It has to get better.
But will it? Will I allow it to? Do I want it to? I want to stop hurting, but I don't want to lose him.
Last year at this time was the exact moment when he told me that PopStar was back. Well, he didn't really tell me upfront. Instead, he just stopped talking to me. I was confused and devastated. And so, I wrote him a letter:
I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt. I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.
Thanks.
Hyde
His reply after days of torment and silence:
Always fretting, you are!! Worry not my dear, just been extraordinarily busy as of late--haven't been keeping with quite a few people as a result (yourself included). Also, PopStar just back in from Moscow, so figuring out all of that etc. Pushing on with a few projects, will write or give a call soon.
--Narc
And then I just wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I wanted to slice myself to shreds. It's all there in the archives... all over last March!
I texted this to my sponsor almost exactly a year ago:
I'm dying. I want to text him so badly. Going to take a shower to keep myself away from the phone. I feel like I'm white knuckling it with Narc. It's maddening!!
How is it that I'm in the exact same space today.
How do I let myself do this over and over and over? How do I numb out the past and get amnesia about all of it? Just when I'm proud of myself for changing so much in my life, I'm reminded of my tendencies to live the same day, the same moment, the same emotion over and over and over and over. What is that about???
I guess reading the archives is helping a little. It's helping me to realize how long I've been suffering over all this. It's helping me remember that this does not make me feel good.
(But I don't care, says the little voice in my head. I don't care if I feel bad. I just want to be with him.)
I don't know...
In any case, I did my best to function yesterday. I went to my voice lesson, but my body was entirely deflated. I could only drag enough breath from my gut to power my voice through a few measures. I was pushing and my throat was closed. My shoulders wouldn't hold up. My teacher cut the lesson short at 45 minutes.
"You're just in no shape to sing today!" she remarked.
So, I went to Old Navy and bought a few things. It helped a little. Then I watched "Lost" in bed. I wonder if he's watching too...
(It's only been a day since you've seen him, Hyde! Stop this ridiculous romanticizing of your "separation"!)
This morning I prayed on the phone with Pixie. Then I dragged myself up and out to teach. We are doing Italian and German Unification, but I didn't really enjoy it. I just wanted to get through.
Brick is in town this weekend, though, and I'm going to get to see him tomorrow morning! I haven't seen him since July. Oh-- and it's his birthday today. He's got around 50 days sober again (I think). I just hope and pray that he gets it and finds happiness.
In other news, I'm upset with B. I'm feeling a little abandoned by old friends, but don't want to get into all of that here. It's just painful and seems to underscore all of these feelings I'm having about Narc.
But really-- how did I let this post get so utterly depressing? Didn't I empower myself when I said I needed space? Wasn't I in fact asking for what I need? Why is it so hard to remember that? Why does it hurt so much when it's only what I asked for?
I can't wait for today to be over. I want to go home. I need to get some sleep if I'm going to get through the insanely busy weekend ahead. Not only am I meeting up with Brick tomorrow, but I am going to a writing seminar at school and then I'm meeting another old friend--IronChef. She's back in town after 18 months in Taiwan.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I spewed out all of what I had to spew at the computer screen. I'm going to go try to do something productive now, before teaching my next class.
love,
h
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I wish...
I am so anxious. So, so, so, so anxious.
I wish I could take it back. I'd take it all back.
I wish I could take it back. I'd take it all back.
Alienation
I found out that Narc saw LA-Girl again on Monday night before he invited me down. I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.
Narc is sick to his stomach too, but for different reasons-- he thinks he has some kind of stomach virus.
Last night after AA I went down to see him, with everything he asked for in tow-- Pepto Bismol, vanilla ice cream, gatorade and chicken soup. But my stomach was gnawing at me for its own reasons. Gnawing and gnashing. Gnashing and tight.
(But all those souls who weary were and naked/ Their color changed and gnashed their teeth together.)
We watched the boys on American Idol and then Narc told me a sad story about some high school crush. We realized that we both had to wear palatal expanders as kids. And then we watched the first part of Tron. It was a strange movie.
I ignored my gnashing and actually had a nice time. Ahhh! Denial! My sweet, old friend.
I didn't sleep well last night though. This morning, I opened my eyes at 7:00 AM, fully awake. I sat up in bed, alert and aware that I had to do something.
What to do?
I didn't know, so I took a shower. I dried my hair; I put on my makeup; I sat on his couch in my underwear staring out the window; I pulled on my jeans and stared out the window some more. Then I decided to write him a note.
Narc,
Looks like I haven't been sleeping very well at your place the past few nights. I'm unsettled; it doesn't feel good; and I know why.
As long as you are dating/pursuing LA-Girl (or anyone else in particular), I need to keep my distance.
I don't like saying this in a note. It feels cowardly. But I can't bring myself to say it any other way. And I won't put myself through these feelings again.
Let me know if anything changes.
Until then,
Hyde.
I sat there with the note in my hand for quite some time.
What if he comes out of the bedroom? I thought. If he does, I can't leave this note. Do I even want to leave the note? No, I can't leave this note. I'm not going to leave this note.
I shoved the note into my notebook and stared out the window some more. Somehow, leaving the note didn't seem like the right thing to do. It was cowardly. And besides, what was the point? We'd have to talk about it; and then he would either fumble around saying he's not dating LA-Girl, or he would argue with me that we're in a "non-relationship" and I'm being unreasonable. Either conversation was not one I wanted to have.
So, I decided that I needed to do something else. And I honestly don't know where this came from. I went into his bedroom.
"Um, Narc?"
He rolled over and opened his eyes. "Yeah?"
"Um..." I felt totally and completely disassociated from what was coming out of my mouth. My heart felt like a feather.
"Um, I think I need a little space for a while."
My voice was low and sounded foreign to me. He didn't say anything at first; but I could feel the tension rising off his skin like heat. He rolled over so his back was to me.
"Okay..." he said.
He thinks I'm being irrational. He thinks this is just drama.
"Well, Hyde... I'll call you in a little bit. We'll see what we want to do."
I stood there looking at him, my heart pounding, but somehow still like a feather.
"I know what I want to do," I said plainly. "I want a little distance."
Now I felt frozen. What did I do? What did I do?
"Fine." He said.
He shut his eyes. The conversation was over.
I lingered there for a moment more. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to say "no, don't go, Hyde! What's wrong? Let's fix it!" I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean it, that I didn't know why I said it.
"I hope your stomach feels better," I said.
He didn't answer. I stood there a moment longer.
"Bye."
And then I left. And then I called Pixie. And then I called Cherubino. And now I'm home and I feel numb. It's a good thing I have therapy today.
I don't want space or distance, but I do know that I can't go through another PopStar. I'm done. I guess it's up to him now.
love,
h
Narc is sick to his stomach too, but for different reasons-- he thinks he has some kind of stomach virus.
Last night after AA I went down to see him, with everything he asked for in tow-- Pepto Bismol, vanilla ice cream, gatorade and chicken soup. But my stomach was gnawing at me for its own reasons. Gnawing and gnashing. Gnashing and tight.
(But all those souls who weary were and naked/ Their color changed and gnashed their teeth together.)
We watched the boys on American Idol and then Narc told me a sad story about some high school crush. We realized that we both had to wear palatal expanders as kids. And then we watched the first part of Tron. It was a strange movie.
I ignored my gnashing and actually had a nice time. Ahhh! Denial! My sweet, old friend.
I didn't sleep well last night though. This morning, I opened my eyes at 7:00 AM, fully awake. I sat up in bed, alert and aware that I had to do something.
What to do?
I didn't know, so I took a shower. I dried my hair; I put on my makeup; I sat on his couch in my underwear staring out the window; I pulled on my jeans and stared out the window some more. Then I decided to write him a note.
Narc,
Looks like I haven't been sleeping very well at your place the past few nights. I'm unsettled; it doesn't feel good; and I know why.
As long as you are dating/pursuing LA-Girl (or anyone else in particular), I need to keep my distance.
I don't like saying this in a note. It feels cowardly. But I can't bring myself to say it any other way. And I won't put myself through these feelings again.
Let me know if anything changes.
Until then,
Hyde.
I sat there with the note in my hand for quite some time.
What if he comes out of the bedroom? I thought. If he does, I can't leave this note. Do I even want to leave the note? No, I can't leave this note. I'm not going to leave this note.
I shoved the note into my notebook and stared out the window some more. Somehow, leaving the note didn't seem like the right thing to do. It was cowardly. And besides, what was the point? We'd have to talk about it; and then he would either fumble around saying he's not dating LA-Girl, or he would argue with me that we're in a "non-relationship" and I'm being unreasonable. Either conversation was not one I wanted to have.
So, I decided that I needed to do something else. And I honestly don't know where this came from. I went into his bedroom.
"Um, Narc?"
He rolled over and opened his eyes. "Yeah?"
"Um..." I felt totally and completely disassociated from what was coming out of my mouth. My heart felt like a feather.
"Um, I think I need a little space for a while."
My voice was low and sounded foreign to me. He didn't say anything at first; but I could feel the tension rising off his skin like heat. He rolled over so his back was to me.
"Okay..." he said.
He thinks I'm being irrational. He thinks this is just drama.
"Well, Hyde... I'll call you in a little bit. We'll see what we want to do."
I stood there looking at him, my heart pounding, but somehow still like a feather.
"I know what I want to do," I said plainly. "I want a little distance."
Now I felt frozen. What did I do? What did I do?
"Fine." He said.
He shut his eyes. The conversation was over.
I lingered there for a moment more. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to say "no, don't go, Hyde! What's wrong? Let's fix it!" I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean it, that I didn't know why I said it.
"I hope your stomach feels better," I said.
He didn't answer. I stood there a moment longer.
"Bye."
And then I left. And then I called Pixie. And then I called Cherubino. And now I'm home and I feel numb. It's a good thing I have therapy today.
I don't want space or distance, but I do know that I can't go through another PopStar. I'm done. I guess it's up to him now.
love,
h
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I'm Lost
I presented my prospectus last night, but it left me more confused than ever. I hate having to stand up behind half formed ideas. I hate having to pretend that I have opinionated arguments to make about subjects that I have barely begun to process. The feedback I got was helpful, but I am left with the sinking feeling that I'm really not interested in my subject matter and I don't want to get boxed into something I find uninteresting for my dissertation. In any case, I wrote a detailed email to my advisor this afternoon. Hopefully he'll be able to help me.
Yesterday I did a little shopping-- classic retail therapy!! It was nice to walk around outside in short sleeves, with my new Prada sunglasses and my iPod. Spring! :)
After class I came home, ordered dinner that I didn't eat, showered and got ready for bed. Narc had texted me a few times that day, but still, I was feeling anxious. It's becoming more and more clear that I do this to myself. But I don't know how to stop.
He texted me at around midnight, inviting me over. Despite the fact that I was already in bed, I decided to go. He had been basically doing nothing all day-- went to his Tarot class, was reading a book in some restaurant/bar that evening. We tried to start Season 3 of "Lost," but were having difficulty with the streaming. So, we went to bed around 2:00.
I was exhausted beyond belief. I fell asleep fast and had strange dreams that I was travelling with my husband, some military guy and we had to escape political persecution. I was hauling huge duffel bags on my shoulders, although I didn't know what was in them. I was much older in my dream-- in my mid-late 40's. Anyway, we escaped to Poland and then I opened the bags to find they were body bags and my adult children were in them. One of the children was still alive though. I don't remember a good chunk of what came after that, but the dream ended with my "husband" getting impaled on barbed wire trying to escape from a second location. Who the fuck knows what any of that is about!!
So, this morning, I packed up my stuff and headed off to teach. The classroom was so stifling hot that I could barely stand, let around move around animatedly and lecture. I did most of the lecture sitting down. Maybe not the most dynamic performance, but I really did feel as if I would faint otherwise.
Tonight I've got AA, etc. I'm not feeling well, though, and sort of wish I could just go home and skip the rest of my day. I think my body is weak from continually fighting this UTI. I still have to pick up the third prescription I've had called in for me over this.
I'm tired. I'm confused from doing too much 10th step. I'm anxious and paranoid about my relationships. I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know when I'm going to start my second two papers. I'm watching too much "Lost."
Um... the end.
love,
h
Yesterday I did a little shopping-- classic retail therapy!! It was nice to walk around outside in short sleeves, with my new Prada sunglasses and my iPod. Spring! :)
After class I came home, ordered dinner that I didn't eat, showered and got ready for bed. Narc had texted me a few times that day, but still, I was feeling anxious. It's becoming more and more clear that I do this to myself. But I don't know how to stop.
He texted me at around midnight, inviting me over. Despite the fact that I was already in bed, I decided to go. He had been basically doing nothing all day-- went to his Tarot class, was reading a book in some restaurant/bar that evening. We tried to start Season 3 of "Lost," but were having difficulty with the streaming. So, we went to bed around 2:00.
I was exhausted beyond belief. I fell asleep fast and had strange dreams that I was travelling with my husband, some military guy and we had to escape political persecution. I was hauling huge duffel bags on my shoulders, although I didn't know what was in them. I was much older in my dream-- in my mid-late 40's. Anyway, we escaped to Poland and then I opened the bags to find they were body bags and my adult children were in them. One of the children was still alive though. I don't remember a good chunk of what came after that, but the dream ended with my "husband" getting impaled on barbed wire trying to escape from a second location. Who the fuck knows what any of that is about!!
So, this morning, I packed up my stuff and headed off to teach. The classroom was so stifling hot that I could barely stand, let around move around animatedly and lecture. I did most of the lecture sitting down. Maybe not the most dynamic performance, but I really did feel as if I would faint otherwise.
Tonight I've got AA, etc. I'm not feeling well, though, and sort of wish I could just go home and skip the rest of my day. I think my body is weak from continually fighting this UTI. I still have to pick up the third prescription I've had called in for me over this.
I'm tired. I'm confused from doing too much 10th step. I'm anxious and paranoid about my relationships. I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know when I'm going to start my second two papers. I'm watching too much "Lost."
Um... the end.
love,
h
Monday, March 3, 2008
Here we go again...
So, I survived the weekend and the prospectus got done. Thank God!
On Saturday after a day of library, I had dinner with my parents. Later on, I went down to see Narc. I didn't go into this all that much, but I had a feeling he was hanging out with that LA-girl on Friday and it turns out that I was right. (Sometimes I am just really intuitive or really psychic when it comes to him.)
It's no big deal at this point, but I can see it coming. She's the same girl as the Exhibitionist/PopStar/Laurie and whoever else there's been in the past. She's the exact same type. It's the exact same dynamic. Apparently he needs to keep putting himself through this. It may not last longer than this one day, or she may stick around for months. And if he gets on a roller coaster with her, then I'll be on one too. I just don't have it in me to go through that again.
And seriously-- Narc hates women because he thinks they're all materialistic, shallow, duplicitous and whatever else. But this is who he decides to crush on-- a girl who was in LA with some guy, yet on that trip fucked James. (Oh-- and she has a gross STD and doesn't think it's a big deal. James has the same one. At least that should ensure that Narc doesn't ever sleep with her.) I don't think she's interested in him at all. She thinks Narc is going to give her a part in a movie (what movie???) and that's why she's flirting with him. She knows it; he knows it; and now I know it.
Whatever... None of this is my problem. That is, unless I make it my problem.
I don't want to deal with this. It's stupid and I'm not going to go through it again. But at the same time, it's not something I know how to talk to him about and so I just didn't say anything. He was being shady about the whole thing to begin with, so on some level he knows that it's not okay or that it would hurt me.
Anyway, the point is that we had a lot of sex and I felt weird about it. I still feel a little weird about it. In some ways, we're closer than ever (as friends, that is). But in other ways, we still can't talk at all.
We finished out Season 2 of Lost that night and the next morning. I actually woke up at 8:00 AM on Saturday and did a lot of work on his laptop while he slept. Then we finished Lost and then I had to finish the prospectus.
I was exhausted beyond belief last night. I thought it might be due to some medication I'm on, but I came home and went to bed early and it turns out that I just really needed some sleep. This weekend has been emotionally draining.
I'm also pissed off at my doctor and at my pharmacy. I had that really horrible UTI last week, have been on Cipro for six days now and am still having symptoms. I've been on Cipro many times in the past and never had a problem with it. But since I was still in pain, I finally went online and looked up the drug. It turns out that if you take it with iron or calcium or whatever other vitamin supplements, it renders the drug 90% ineffective. My doctors and my pharmacy know I'm taking those things. I'm on a prescription iron supplement, for God's sake! So, no wonder it hasn't been working. I've just been downing super-strong antibiotics for no apparent reason. Ugh! I called the doctor this morning and I'm going over to the pharmacy later to yell at them for not giving me some warning.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm meeting BigSis later for lunch and then I've got class tonight. It felt good to make the deadline and get my prospectus in on time. I'm actually sort of enjoying this class...
love,
h
On Saturday after a day of library, I had dinner with my parents. Later on, I went down to see Narc. I didn't go into this all that much, but I had a feeling he was hanging out with that LA-girl on Friday and it turns out that I was right. (Sometimes I am just really intuitive or really psychic when it comes to him.)
It's no big deal at this point, but I can see it coming. She's the same girl as the Exhibitionist/PopStar/Laurie and whoever else there's been in the past. She's the exact same type. It's the exact same dynamic. Apparently he needs to keep putting himself through this. It may not last longer than this one day, or she may stick around for months. And if he gets on a roller coaster with her, then I'll be on one too. I just don't have it in me to go through that again.
And seriously-- Narc hates women because he thinks they're all materialistic, shallow, duplicitous and whatever else. But this is who he decides to crush on-- a girl who was in LA with some guy, yet on that trip fucked James. (Oh-- and she has a gross STD and doesn't think it's a big deal. James has the same one. At least that should ensure that Narc doesn't ever sleep with her.) I don't think she's interested in him at all. She thinks Narc is going to give her a part in a movie (what movie???) and that's why she's flirting with him. She knows it; he knows it; and now I know it.
Whatever... None of this is my problem. That is, unless I make it my problem.
I don't want to deal with this. It's stupid and I'm not going to go through it again. But at the same time, it's not something I know how to talk to him about and so I just didn't say anything. He was being shady about the whole thing to begin with, so on some level he knows that it's not okay or that it would hurt me.
Anyway, the point is that we had a lot of sex and I felt weird about it. I still feel a little weird about it. In some ways, we're closer than ever (as friends, that is). But in other ways, we still can't talk at all.
We finished out Season 2 of Lost that night and the next morning. I actually woke up at 8:00 AM on Saturday and did a lot of work on his laptop while he slept. Then we finished Lost and then I had to finish the prospectus.
I was exhausted beyond belief last night. I thought it might be due to some medication I'm on, but I came home and went to bed early and it turns out that I just really needed some sleep. This weekend has been emotionally draining.
I'm also pissed off at my doctor and at my pharmacy. I had that really horrible UTI last week, have been on Cipro for six days now and am still having symptoms. I've been on Cipro many times in the past and never had a problem with it. But since I was still in pain, I finally went online and looked up the drug. It turns out that if you take it with iron or calcium or whatever other vitamin supplements, it renders the drug 90% ineffective. My doctors and my pharmacy know I'm taking those things. I'm on a prescription iron supplement, for God's sake! So, no wonder it hasn't been working. I've just been downing super-strong antibiotics for no apparent reason. Ugh! I called the doctor this morning and I'm going over to the pharmacy later to yell at them for not giving me some warning.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm meeting BigSis later for lunch and then I've got class tonight. It felt good to make the deadline and get my prospectus in on time. I'm actually sort of enjoying this class...
love,
h
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