Despite it all, I've been in a remarkably good mood... and not much in the mood for blogging. I'm still dealing with all of the emotional fallout from the weekend.
I had a good talk with my mom. She just kicks ass.
Yesterday I taught, cleaned up my apartment a little and then went to AA. They were taping an episode of Law & Order in our usual location, so we were moved to a different church.
Today I had a doctor's appointment and then therapy and then a voice lesson. The two new arias I'm working on are both a little crazy and both a little apropos.
I'm totally broke right now... too broke to be taking taxis around town.
I had dinner with Cherubino after my voice lesson (Cherubino who just scored a job playing "Cherubino," by the way!).
Narc invited me over tonight. I still don't have it in me to explain all that. I don't know if I'm gonna go.
I took the bus home tonight. All of the Christmas lights are up. 5th Avenue is all decked out.
I want Sam and Nicole to win on Beauty and the Geek. Hammer and the Alaskan are rooting for Jasmine and Dave.
Anyway, that's it for now...
love,
h
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Interviewed
There's been some very serious drama the past few days and buckets of tears, but I still don't have it in me to write it all out.
I had a job interview today for summer teaching. I really hope I get the position b/c if so, I will be able to teach an upper level elective course in 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History. Finally-- a relief from these damn global surveys!!!
Anyway, I'm just writing to write something... Bezoukhoff is over right now doing some work. NDN and I ate Chinese food last night and then I went to AA and out to a diner with some girls.
I thought I was never going to speak to Narc again and then he called to quasi-apologize, but I am still not sure where I am with any of that.
Anyway, I'll be glad for the AA meditation meeting tonight.
That's all for now...
love,
h
I had a job interview today for summer teaching. I really hope I get the position b/c if so, I will be able to teach an upper level elective course in 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History. Finally-- a relief from these damn global surveys!!!
Anyway, I'm just writing to write something... Bezoukhoff is over right now doing some work. NDN and I ate Chinese food last night and then I went to AA and out to a diner with some girls.
I thought I was never going to speak to Narc again and then he called to quasi-apologize, but I am still not sure where I am with any of that.
Anyway, I'll be glad for the AA meditation meeting tonight.
That's all for now...
love,
h
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Confliction Affliction
I'm going to write about something other than N... Because no matter how much what happened is eating at me, and no matter how much I want to break down and cry all over the rest of my life, I don't want to give short shrift to everything else-- especially in this week of thanks and gratitude. I have an amazing family and amazing friends.
On Wednesday evening I had a voice lesson. My teacher assigned me two new arias-- "Traft ihr das Schiff im Meere" from Dutchman and "Madre, pietosa Vergine" from Forza. From there, I headed straight to Penn Station and out to Long Island. I didn't want to have to make the trip on Thursday morning, as I would have had to cut straight through the Macy's parade.
Anyway, my mom picked me up at the other end and back at her house, I sang her some of the songs I'm working on. LilSis and JBC came home; my stepfather and stepbrother came home; we ate some dinner. Later, I made Swedish meatballs until after midnight at my mom's request. She has been taking old boxes out of storage and had some of my things for me to go through. There were stacks and stacks of old diaries (I was a seriously prolific kid!!) and they were kind of sad to look through. I wrote a poem entitled "alcoholism" when I was only 11. Weird, right? There was also a box of old clothes that had a pile of stuff belonging to B.
Before bed that night, Narc called. He had obliterated himself. All he could say was something like "save me" and "I'm screwed." I could barely understand him through his thick slurring, and besides that, James was ranting and chanting and singing something in the background. It was a little disturbing and didn't help me get to sleep.
Thanksgiving morning brought more cooking. I helped my mom make the turkey and stuffing and then I made potatoes and spent an hour french-cutting string beans for her. I also made sugar free pumpkin pies (as I'm currently off sugar) and they came out delicious. We normally have about 20 people at our thanksgiving, although this year, we were cut in half, as BigSis and Bro-in-Law went to the Dominican Republic on vacation, and my aunt and cousins Jail and Jol were all in Florence, and Bro-in-Law's sister and her husband and the kids didn't come. It was a very chill Thanksgiving, but a very nice one.
My mom took me back to the train at around 9:30. When I was on my way home, Narc called. He was, once again, wasted beyond belief. He kept saying he had to talk to me about something. I told him I'd call him when I got back to my place.
This is the part of the story I want to skip, as I'm not in a place to think about it any more than necessary, and I certainly don't want to write about it.
To make a long story short, by the end of the night, I was in tears and I can't talk to him again unless he can muster some sort of apology. Thank god StarGazer was there for me to cry to... and Bezoukhoff helped me through a lot of it too.
I slept in on Friday, barely able to breathe because my heart was stuffed into my throat and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. It was a nice escape from myself to go meet Anxious for lunch at the Cafe Orlin in the East Village. We chatted over coffee and lunch for a good two hours. She is planning on moving out to LA in a few months (to do a Spanish language and literature PhD at UCLA) and so, we are going to try to squeeze in a few more dates before she goes.
After we parted ways, I walked along St. Mark's and bought some mittens and a new amethyst. (A girl can never have too many amethysts!). Pixie sent me a text that she was nearby, so I headed over to Yaffa Cafe to meet her (not to be confused with Yaffa's in Tribeca where Narc and I used to hang out). We had a great conversation while I ate grilled calamari. I really needed her advice, as I was still spinning a bit from what had gone down the previous night. I just didn't want to be in my own skin anymore. From there, Pixie went to a meeting, and I headed home to meet Bezoukhoff.
Bezoukhoff, Pixie and I all had tickets to see Ute Lemper in concert that night at Joe's Pub. I put on glittering purple eye-makeup and a wig and Bezoukhoff renamed me "Isoldebella." We at some of my (sugar-free) pumpkin pie, listened to Kurt Weill, the Mozart Requiem and portions of Cabaret, and then headed back downtown to meet up with Pixie.
The Ute concert was phenomenal!! She sang so many of my favorites-- songs from The Blue Angel, some Edith Piaf, some Jacques Brel, of course the Brecht and Weill stuff, Philip Glass' "Streets of Berlin." She slunk around the stage in a draped black dress and a red boa. Like I said-- phenomenal!
It was freezing outside when we exited the bar. Pixie went home and Bezoukhoff headed back to my place where we examined the royal family trees of Britain, the German principalities, Greece and Russia before I bid him adieu and headed to bed.
I couldn't sleep. My heart was in my throat again.
Narc, Narc, Narc.
He texted me just after 2:00 AM: Can't sleep. Are you up? Wanna talk?
I gripped the phone in my shaking hand for a while before I responded.
I have nothing to say after last night, I wrote.
"K," was his answer.
"K"?????? "K"?!?!??! That was it?!?!?!
Now I was even more anxious than before. I texted my sponsor, and then somehow, by the grace of God, eventually got to sleep.
This morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. It felt like my tongue was made of cotton-- a feeling that I've gotten used to being without now that I've stopped drinking and drugging. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I peered over the top of my comforter. When did my room turn into a pig sty?
Pixie called (thank god!) and asked if I wanted to go to a 1:00 PM women's meeting with her. I agreed. It was good to have something to get me out of the house. I talked to Cherubino. She told me to stay busy.
The women's meeting was nice, I suppose, but I could hardly stay present for any of it, and everyone was annoying me. We headed over to Mud afterwards for lunch. And then we talked. And talked. And talked. Pixie and I can go on forever in conversation, and by the end of it, I was feeling present and actually (maybe?) a little good (?) again.
But back at home, the "bad" started to creep back in. I want to call him. I want to call him, but I can't, because I want to have some self-respect too. Cherubino is right-- I'm not confused, but rather, I'm conflicted. In any case, I talked to VJ on the phone for a while and then headed over to Union Square to meet StarGazer. We went to see American Gangster at the movies.
We should have guessed how insane a Saturday night movie in Union Square would be... we ended up having to sit in the third row. I didn't care though... that just put me closer to Denzel's gorgeous face, and I'll never complain about that!!
And so, I'm home now and it's nearly 2:00 AM and there's that damn anxiety again... and the pain...
("You know I love you," he said. That doesn't make it okay.)
But here's my dilemma-- he won't apologize because he can't apologize. I don't think he's capable of apologizing for this one (because that would mean taking a little personal responsibility). And so, where does that leave me? Holding my ground and never talking to him again? Or compromising myself and calling him at some point? Both of those options suck. They just suck!!!
"Maybe there's a third option," Pixie said. "Maybe you can't see it, but God sees it, so you should just do nothing and hang on right now."
I wish I could think that way, I really do.
My God is beauty and order and connectivity and meaning and fate and the enormous fabric of the great human whole. But my God does not watch over me and protect me and give me the things that I need. I wish I could have faith in a God like that, but it died for me long, long ago.
I don't have faith enough to let go. I am trying to be my own rock, my own God in a sea of chaos, stalwart against the crashing waves of Narc. I have nothing to fear because I can trust that I am unmovable. But I can't feel better right now unless I can trust letting go. Letting go. Letting go? Fucking impossible. I fucking can't do it.
I can't.
I am so incredibly angry with him, and yet I find myself aching for the phone to ring. Why???
What do I plan to do when it does?
love,
h
On Wednesday evening I had a voice lesson. My teacher assigned me two new arias-- "Traft ihr das Schiff im Meere" from Dutchman and "Madre, pietosa Vergine" from Forza. From there, I headed straight to Penn Station and out to Long Island. I didn't want to have to make the trip on Thursday morning, as I would have had to cut straight through the Macy's parade.
Anyway, my mom picked me up at the other end and back at her house, I sang her some of the songs I'm working on. LilSis and JBC came home; my stepfather and stepbrother came home; we ate some dinner. Later, I made Swedish meatballs until after midnight at my mom's request. She has been taking old boxes out of storage and had some of my things for me to go through. There were stacks and stacks of old diaries (I was a seriously prolific kid!!) and they were kind of sad to look through. I wrote a poem entitled "alcoholism" when I was only 11. Weird, right? There was also a box of old clothes that had a pile of stuff belonging to B.
Before bed that night, Narc called. He had obliterated himself. All he could say was something like "save me" and "I'm screwed." I could barely understand him through his thick slurring, and besides that, James was ranting and chanting and singing something in the background. It was a little disturbing and didn't help me get to sleep.
Thanksgiving morning brought more cooking. I helped my mom make the turkey and stuffing and then I made potatoes and spent an hour french-cutting string beans for her. I also made sugar free pumpkin pies (as I'm currently off sugar) and they came out delicious. We normally have about 20 people at our thanksgiving, although this year, we were cut in half, as BigSis and Bro-in-Law went to the Dominican Republic on vacation, and my aunt and cousins Jail and Jol were all in Florence, and Bro-in-Law's sister and her husband and the kids didn't come. It was a very chill Thanksgiving, but a very nice one.
My mom took me back to the train at around 9:30. When I was on my way home, Narc called. He was, once again, wasted beyond belief. He kept saying he had to talk to me about something. I told him I'd call him when I got back to my place.
This is the part of the story I want to skip, as I'm not in a place to think about it any more than necessary, and I certainly don't want to write about it.
To make a long story short, by the end of the night, I was in tears and I can't talk to him again unless he can muster some sort of apology. Thank god StarGazer was there for me to cry to... and Bezoukhoff helped me through a lot of it too.
I slept in on Friday, barely able to breathe because my heart was stuffed into my throat and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. It was a nice escape from myself to go meet Anxious for lunch at the Cafe Orlin in the East Village. We chatted over coffee and lunch for a good two hours. She is planning on moving out to LA in a few months (to do a Spanish language and literature PhD at UCLA) and so, we are going to try to squeeze in a few more dates before she goes.
After we parted ways, I walked along St. Mark's and bought some mittens and a new amethyst. (A girl can never have too many amethysts!). Pixie sent me a text that she was nearby, so I headed over to Yaffa Cafe to meet her (not to be confused with Yaffa's in Tribeca where Narc and I used to hang out). We had a great conversation while I ate grilled calamari. I really needed her advice, as I was still spinning a bit from what had gone down the previous night. I just didn't want to be in my own skin anymore. From there, Pixie went to a meeting, and I headed home to meet Bezoukhoff.
Bezoukhoff, Pixie and I all had tickets to see Ute Lemper in concert that night at Joe's Pub. I put on glittering purple eye-makeup and a wig and Bezoukhoff renamed me "Isoldebella." We at some of my (sugar-free) pumpkin pie, listened to Kurt Weill, the Mozart Requiem and portions of Cabaret, and then headed back downtown to meet up with Pixie.
The Ute concert was phenomenal!! She sang so many of my favorites-- songs from The Blue Angel, some Edith Piaf, some Jacques Brel, of course the Brecht and Weill stuff, Philip Glass' "Streets of Berlin." She slunk around the stage in a draped black dress and a red boa. Like I said-- phenomenal!
It was freezing outside when we exited the bar. Pixie went home and Bezoukhoff headed back to my place where we examined the royal family trees of Britain, the German principalities, Greece and Russia before I bid him adieu and headed to bed.
I couldn't sleep. My heart was in my throat again.
Narc, Narc, Narc.
He texted me just after 2:00 AM: Can't sleep. Are you up? Wanna talk?
I gripped the phone in my shaking hand for a while before I responded.
I have nothing to say after last night, I wrote.
"K," was his answer.
"K"?????? "K"?!?!??! That was it?!?!?!
Now I was even more anxious than before. I texted my sponsor, and then somehow, by the grace of God, eventually got to sleep.
This morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. It felt like my tongue was made of cotton-- a feeling that I've gotten used to being without now that I've stopped drinking and drugging. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I peered over the top of my comforter. When did my room turn into a pig sty?
Pixie called (thank god!) and asked if I wanted to go to a 1:00 PM women's meeting with her. I agreed. It was good to have something to get me out of the house. I talked to Cherubino. She told me to stay busy.
The women's meeting was nice, I suppose, but I could hardly stay present for any of it, and everyone was annoying me. We headed over to Mud afterwards for lunch. And then we talked. And talked. And talked. Pixie and I can go on forever in conversation, and by the end of it, I was feeling present and actually (maybe?) a little good (?) again.
But back at home, the "bad" started to creep back in. I want to call him. I want to call him, but I can't, because I want to have some self-respect too. Cherubino is right-- I'm not confused, but rather, I'm conflicted. In any case, I talked to VJ on the phone for a while and then headed over to Union Square to meet StarGazer. We went to see American Gangster at the movies.
We should have guessed how insane a Saturday night movie in Union Square would be... we ended up having to sit in the third row. I didn't care though... that just put me closer to Denzel's gorgeous face, and I'll never complain about that!!
And so, I'm home now and it's nearly 2:00 AM and there's that damn anxiety again... and the pain...
("You know I love you," he said. That doesn't make it okay.)
But here's my dilemma-- he won't apologize because he can't apologize. I don't think he's capable of apologizing for this one (because that would mean taking a little personal responsibility). And so, where does that leave me? Holding my ground and never talking to him again? Or compromising myself and calling him at some point? Both of those options suck. They just suck!!!
"Maybe there's a third option," Pixie said. "Maybe you can't see it, but God sees it, so you should just do nothing and hang on right now."
I wish I could think that way, I really do.
My God is beauty and order and connectivity and meaning and fate and the enormous fabric of the great human whole. But my God does not watch over me and protect me and give me the things that I need. I wish I could have faith in a God like that, but it died for me long, long ago.
I don't have faith enough to let go. I am trying to be my own rock, my own God in a sea of chaos, stalwart against the crashing waves of Narc. I have nothing to fear because I can trust that I am unmovable. But I can't feel better right now unless I can trust letting go. Letting go. Letting go? Fucking impossible. I fucking can't do it.
I can't.
I am so incredibly angry with him, and yet I find myself aching for the phone to ring. Why???
What do I plan to do when it does?
love,
h
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving
A lot has been going on over the past few days... On Saturday night, I went to a birthday dinner for B. StarGazer came with me. It was at a little Burmese place in the East Village. I had a good time, but I have to say-- B has a really odd group of friends.
Afterwards, StarGazer and I went for a walk. We stopped by the Perry Street Workshop (a place for AA meetings) and we saw a guy almost choke to death before another guy frantically saved him with the Heimlich maneuver, all while some girl was screaming "Call 911!!"
The street outside was packed with snow, even though it hasn't snowed here. It was odd, but I later found out that it was because they were filming a scene for the Sex in the City movie over there.
After that I went to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show-tunes for the next two hours. I sighted SingMan across the piano. We made acknowledging eye-contact, but that was about it.
Later that night, I went down to see Narc. It was fine. Well... fine. Nothing new there. I was so hyper after the singing that my arrival there felt a little like a downer. The next afternoon we went out for Vietnamese food and talked and talked and talked (about mostly nothing, however...).
Later that day, I curled up in bed, ignored the rain and finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.
On Monday I went to therapy in the morning-- a sort of "emergency" extra session since I'm going through so much confusion with all of this Narc shit right now. My therapist has an interesting theory about my behavior-- He suggested that because of the chaos I grew up with that it's important to me to be 100% unswerving and stable and devoted and never, ever break a promise, because I am being the parent that I wished for. So, I am being that way to Narc... but in doing so, I trap myself. Anyway, it was more developed than that, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now.
Then, I started to do a little reading in preparation for my next paper. I also got a pedicure. Later that night, I met StarGazer, Pixie and Meema at a diner on the Upper West Side before heading over to a show at the Beacon Theater-- The Swell Season-- Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and a group of backup musicians including a cellist and a violinist. Martha Wainright opened for them. The concert was fucking amazing. I haven't had a live music experience like that in a long time. It made me want to write poetry. Pixie was crying next to me the whole time. I love being friends with emotional and slightly fucked up girls. We definitely all "get" each other.
I got into bed at around 1:00 AM last night and fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour or so later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He wanted me to come down and watch Scarface with him.
"I'm asleep though," I said, wanting to be convinced.
"You can sleep on the couch while we watch," he said. "Just come cuddle with me."
"I don't know..."
"Well, I don't want to drag you here."
"That's not very convincing, Narc!"
"Hyde, just come here now!" he said, finally delivering the bossiness I love from him.
"Ok."
As you can see, I send mixed signals and don't really help myself at all.
So, I went. We watched Scarface. I dozed off on the couch. He cooked a sausage and drank "King's Tea." We went to bed and had lots of sex.
Maybe I'm still in love with him? I thought. No... I'm not. Well, yes, I am. I feel so comfortable with him. My body wants to be next to his. It's just natural. That's not love. That's habit. But I DO love him. So what? What does that have to do with anything?
Anyway, we woke up this morning and had more sex. Narc asked where I wanted to go for lunch. We had been joking about going to "Hooters" the night before (something that made me nostalgic for my days with VJ!). Suddenly, though, James called and Narc turned around and made lunch plans with him without saying a word to me about it! He didn't apologize or invite me. I don't know why I was surprised. It was just a bitter reminder that Narc is Narc is Narc. So, I got dressed with a grimace on my face and blew out of there as quickly as possible.
AA was fun tonight. After the meeting I went out with a group of friends to the diner and stayed until just after midnight. I want to go get into bed and catch up on my soap opera. But I figured if I didn't update now, I might not until after the holiday... and by then, my whole world may have changed. Who knows what fate will throw in my path!
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to catch up with Hammer. Then I have a voice lesson and then I'm heading out to Long Island.
In case I'm not back sooner, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all! We all have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful just for being able to feel grateful. Just for being able to feel anything at all.
I'm starting to understand the beauty of life on life's terms... acceptance... even if not everything is the way I want it to be.
love,
h
By the way-- my cat's personality is changing. Is it possible for a cat's personality to change? He is so much more aggressive about getting my attention lately. He used to ignore me a lot more. Strange...
Afterwards, StarGazer and I went for a walk. We stopped by the Perry Street Workshop (a place for AA meetings) and we saw a guy almost choke to death before another guy frantically saved him with the Heimlich maneuver, all while some girl was screaming "Call 911!!"
The street outside was packed with snow, even though it hasn't snowed here. It was odd, but I later found out that it was because they were filming a scene for the Sex in the City movie over there.
After that I went to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show-tunes for the next two hours. I sighted SingMan across the piano. We made acknowledging eye-contact, but that was about it.
Later that night, I went down to see Narc. It was fine. Well... fine. Nothing new there. I was so hyper after the singing that my arrival there felt a little like a downer. The next afternoon we went out for Vietnamese food and talked and talked and talked (about mostly nothing, however...).
Later that day, I curled up in bed, ignored the rain and finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.
On Monday I went to therapy in the morning-- a sort of "emergency" extra session since I'm going through so much confusion with all of this Narc shit right now. My therapist has an interesting theory about my behavior-- He suggested that because of the chaos I grew up with that it's important to me to be 100% unswerving and stable and devoted and never, ever break a promise, because I am being the parent that I wished for. So, I am being that way to Narc... but in doing so, I trap myself. Anyway, it was more developed than that, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now.
Then, I started to do a little reading in preparation for my next paper. I also got a pedicure. Later that night, I met StarGazer, Pixie and Meema at a diner on the Upper West Side before heading over to a show at the Beacon Theater-- The Swell Season-- Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and a group of backup musicians including a cellist and a violinist. Martha Wainright opened for them. The concert was fucking amazing. I haven't had a live music experience like that in a long time. It made me want to write poetry. Pixie was crying next to me the whole time. I love being friends with emotional and slightly fucked up girls. We definitely all "get" each other.
I got into bed at around 1:00 AM last night and fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour or so later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He wanted me to come down and watch Scarface with him.
"I'm asleep though," I said, wanting to be convinced.
"You can sleep on the couch while we watch," he said. "Just come cuddle with me."
"I don't know..."
"Well, I don't want to drag you here."
"That's not very convincing, Narc!"
"Hyde, just come here now!" he said, finally delivering the bossiness I love from him.
"Ok."
As you can see, I send mixed signals and don't really help myself at all.
So, I went. We watched Scarface. I dozed off on the couch. He cooked a sausage and drank "King's Tea." We went to bed and had lots of sex.
Maybe I'm still in love with him? I thought. No... I'm not. Well, yes, I am. I feel so comfortable with him. My body wants to be next to his. It's just natural. That's not love. That's habit. But I DO love him. So what? What does that have to do with anything?
Anyway, we woke up this morning and had more sex. Narc asked where I wanted to go for lunch. We had been joking about going to "Hooters" the night before (something that made me nostalgic for my days with VJ!). Suddenly, though, James called and Narc turned around and made lunch plans with him without saying a word to me about it! He didn't apologize or invite me. I don't know why I was surprised. It was just a bitter reminder that Narc is Narc is Narc. So, I got dressed with a grimace on my face and blew out of there as quickly as possible.
AA was fun tonight. After the meeting I went out with a group of friends to the diner and stayed until just after midnight. I want to go get into bed and catch up on my soap opera. But I figured if I didn't update now, I might not until after the holiday... and by then, my whole world may have changed. Who knows what fate will throw in my path!
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to catch up with Hammer. Then I have a voice lesson and then I'm heading out to Long Island.
In case I'm not back sooner, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all! We all have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful just for being able to feel grateful. Just for being able to feel anything at all.
I'm starting to understand the beauty of life on life's terms... acceptance... even if not everything is the way I want it to be.
love,
h
By the way-- my cat's personality is changing. Is it possible for a cat's personality to change? He is so much more aggressive about getting my attention lately. He used to ignore me a lot more. Strange...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Reflections
I need to give myself permission...
If I end things... if I stop loving him... if I let "forever" have an ending... how can I ever trust my own word again? How can "always" mean anything when I've told lies like that to my own heart?
I am a liar.
But maybe I need to give myself permission to be a liar... Maybe it's not such a bad thing to have been wrong.
(But maybe it is...)
This is all about who I am in the world and whether or not I can trust myself...
love,
h
If I end things... if I stop loving him... if I let "forever" have an ending... how can I ever trust my own word again? How can "always" mean anything when I've told lies like that to my own heart?
I am a liar.
But maybe I need to give myself permission to be a liar... Maybe it's not such a bad thing to have been wrong.
(But maybe it is...)
This is all about who I am in the world and whether or not I can trust myself...
love,
h
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Gratitude
I just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and am feeling incredibly, incredibly grateful to be who I am and to be where I am.
I am also eating leftovers from my lunch-- Lemongrass Beef from the most delicious Vietnamese restaurant in the world, down near Narc's place. (There are so many surprisingly amazing restaurants in his neighborhood!)
I am grateful that tomorrow is November 19th and that I'm feeling incredibly at peace with the world. Perhaps it is never to late for a song to be unsung.
["This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."
Honestly-- I don't feel that my heart is broken right now, though.]
I shut off my cell phone. It's been off for the past few hours. I like that no one can reach me right now-- no one except for my cat, who has been very persistent in his quest for head scratches despite the fact that I was trying to ignore him while engrossed in my reading.
I am grateful that tomorrow is November 19th.
I feel lucky to be me. I wouldn't choose to be anyone else in the world. I am in love with my own story.
love,
h
I am also eating leftovers from my lunch-- Lemongrass Beef from the most delicious Vietnamese restaurant in the world, down near Narc's place. (There are so many surprisingly amazing restaurants in his neighborhood!)
I am grateful that tomorrow is November 19th and that I'm feeling incredibly at peace with the world. Perhaps it is never to late for a song to be unsung.
["This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."
Honestly-- I don't feel that my heart is broken right now, though.]
I shut off my cell phone. It's been off for the past few hours. I like that no one can reach me right now-- no one except for my cat, who has been very persistent in his quest for head scratches despite the fact that I was trying to ignore him while engrossed in my reading.
I am grateful that tomorrow is November 19th.
I feel lucky to be me. I wouldn't choose to be anyone else in the world. I am in love with my own story.
love,
h
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Contradictions
Is it just me, or does this not make any sense???
Item No.1: Text sent from Narc to Laurie:
I'm sorry if I seem too forward sometimes love. Just wish you would let go a bit and let me love you. Promise you won't get hurt."
Item No.2: Narc's statement to me:
"There's absolutely nothing between me and Laurie. Nothing at all."
Am I being lied to? Did I misinterpret something?
I'm uneasy.
Gonna go eat lunch...
love,
h
Item No.1: Text sent from Narc to Laurie:
I'm sorry if I seem too forward sometimes love. Just wish you would let go a bit and let me love you. Promise you won't get hurt."
Item No.2: Narc's statement to me:
"There's absolutely nothing between me and Laurie. Nothing at all."
Am I being lied to? Did I misinterpret something?
I'm uneasy.
Gonna go eat lunch...
love,
h
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
The Epilogue
I don't know what our conversation meant to him, but at around 5:00 PM I got the following text:
So gonna come down later tonight, or do you need to think a bit more...?
I didn't write back. Instead, I called. I told him (again) that I was going to the opera with NV but would call him when I got out. That's what I did. I called him when I got home and told him that I wasn't going to come down.
"I still need to sort this out," I said. "And I'm just emotionally exhausted from this morning, physically exhausted... and I have to wake up early tomorrow."
He started to engage me in conversation-- telling me about a meeting he had tonight with a friend of his about actually shooting a new script he's working on... I told him about the opera.
"And you should know," he said, "I spoke to Laurie today. I told her what happened-- that I called you her name and all that. 'There isn't anything weird between us? Is there?' I asked her. And she was like- 'No! Of course not! We're just friends.' So... there you go. There's absolutely nothing between me and Laurie. Nothing at all."
"Narc... It's obvious you have a thing for her," I said. "But, whatever..."
"No, really, Hyde! Laurie is beautiful and I love her and all... she's great. But she's not date-able! I could never date Laurie. I mean-- no. No way. There comes a point when you have to divide the world into 'date-able' and 'not-date-able' and Laurie is definitely not."
I didn't point out that I also fall into that category for him.
"Well, that's fine then... I don't know what you want me to say. I mean, you really don't have to explain yourself to me. It's just clear that something is up between you and her and I felt bad about it, but whatever... I guess I just wanted to know what's going on."
"I don't have to explain myself to you, Hyde, but I don't want you sitting around being in pain or feeling bad about this for nothing."
"Well, then, thanks," I said. "I'll file that information away. Thanks for clearing that up for me."
We talked for a few more minutes after that. Narc is going to see Beowolf in IMAX 3-D tomorrow night. I'm going to see it on Friday morning with B.
"I'll text you after the movie tomorrow and tell you how it is," he said.
"Thanks."
"Well... I really wish I could have seen you tonight. It would have been great if you could have brought down some Lunesta."
"It's just not the night, Narc. I really want to talk to my therapist first... maybe get some clarity."
"Just don't take it all so seriously, Hyde!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, but you are inflating everything into such drama."
"Are you kidding me?? All I do is repress my feelings and toss things off and never make drama out of any of the things that go down between me and you."
"Well, that's not good either... Don't want you exploding in a rage," he half laughed.
"It's not anger, Narc. I have no anger. It's more frustration... Well, I don't know... Pain? Confusion? In any case, it's probably best to talk to my therapist first."
"I hope he tells you something that will make you feel better."
"Yeah."
"Well, hopefully I'll see you another night then... soon... since unfortunately, tonight didn't work out," he said.
"Ok. Well, then... good night?" I offered.
"Good night, Hyde."
Good night to you too, blogland!
love,
h
So gonna come down later tonight, or do you need to think a bit more...?
I didn't write back. Instead, I called. I told him (again) that I was going to the opera with NV but would call him when I got out. That's what I did. I called him when I got home and told him that I wasn't going to come down.
"I still need to sort this out," I said. "And I'm just emotionally exhausted from this morning, physically exhausted... and I have to wake up early tomorrow."
He started to engage me in conversation-- telling me about a meeting he had tonight with a friend of his about actually shooting a new script he's working on... I told him about the opera.
"And you should know," he said, "I spoke to Laurie today. I told her what happened-- that I called you her name and all that. 'There isn't anything weird between us? Is there?' I asked her. And she was like- 'No! Of course not! We're just friends.' So... there you go. There's absolutely nothing between me and Laurie. Nothing at all."
"Narc... It's obvious you have a thing for her," I said. "But, whatever..."
"No, really, Hyde! Laurie is beautiful and I love her and all... she's great. But she's not date-able! I could never date Laurie. I mean-- no. No way. There comes a point when you have to divide the world into 'date-able' and 'not-date-able' and Laurie is definitely not."
I didn't point out that I also fall into that category for him.
"Well, that's fine then... I don't know what you want me to say. I mean, you really don't have to explain yourself to me. It's just clear that something is up between you and her and I felt bad about it, but whatever... I guess I just wanted to know what's going on."
"I don't have to explain myself to you, Hyde, but I don't want you sitting around being in pain or feeling bad about this for nothing."
"Well, then, thanks," I said. "I'll file that information away. Thanks for clearing that up for me."
We talked for a few more minutes after that. Narc is going to see Beowolf in IMAX 3-D tomorrow night. I'm going to see it on Friday morning with B.
"I'll text you after the movie tomorrow and tell you how it is," he said.
"Thanks."
"Well... I really wish I could have seen you tonight. It would have been great if you could have brought down some Lunesta."
"It's just not the night, Narc. I really want to talk to my therapist first... maybe get some clarity."
"Just don't take it all so seriously, Hyde!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, but you are inflating everything into such drama."
"Are you kidding me?? All I do is repress my feelings and toss things off and never make drama out of any of the things that go down between me and you."
"Well, that's not good either... Don't want you exploding in a rage," he half laughed.
"It's not anger, Narc. I have no anger. It's more frustration... Well, I don't know... Pain? Confusion? In any case, it's probably best to talk to my therapist first."
"I hope he tells you something that will make you feel better."
"Yeah."
"Well, hopefully I'll see you another night then... soon... since unfortunately, tonight didn't work out," he said.
"Ok. Well, then... good night?" I offered.
"Good night, Hyde."
Good night to you too, blogland!
love,
h
"To Conquer Death you Only Have to Die"
Yesterday was one for the books...
After I posted in the afternoon, I went to class and then to AA. BigSis' friend AGrub came to the meeting with me, just to "check it out." After he left, we were having elections. While they were counting the ballots, everyone waited restlessly. There must have been at least 200 people there.
"Hey, R-- got any entertainment for us?" our meeting chair shouted out to the guy who plans most of our group activities.
"How about Cherubino and Hyde sing something?" he suggested.
Everyone started cheering, and although I didn't want to, I found myself peer-pressured into the front of the room. But where was Cherubino?? I didn't see her anywhere.
"Go on, Hyde! Sing something!!"
I so, so, SO didn't want to. I hate doing anything unprepared, let alone singing without accompaniment, sheet music or a lot of time to mentally overcome my shyness and stage fright. Yet there, I was, suddenly in front of a microphone staring out at the crowd. So... I sang. They cheered. Everyone congratulated me like mad afterwards. But I felt sick and flushed and the whole thing was absolutely surreal.
On my way home, Narc called. He was wasted beyond belief. I could barely understand anything he was saying. But I somehow ended up agreeing to let him come over.
Back at my place, I called Cherubino to process the whole singing thing with her. She told me to "write it out" and call her back before 11:00 PM.
Then the doorbell rang. Narc was stumbling into the walls. I poured him a glass of water and lit him a cigarette.
"Take off your clothes," he said.
"Not yet, Narc. I just got home. I need to unwind first."
He started to kiss me. It was like taking the "first drink"-- a chemical reaction. He almost dropped his cigarette. I burned the tip of my finger. Unmanageabilty.
"Well, I'm going to take off my clothes, then," he said.
We stood there for a while-- making out in the space between my dining table and my kitchen counter. He stripped my clothes off me. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I was afraid he was going to fall down and crack open his head. So... I led him into the bedroom.
We had sex, but he was really very drunk and every time I tried to look in his eyes, they were unfocused and rolling back. He was sloppy and smelled sweet and sour-- like old whiskey, sugar and smoke.
"I love you," I said.
He said something back that was incomprehensible. I thought he was going to pass out.
"Will you rub my back?" he asked? "Do you have massage oil?"
I was surprised at this request.
"Um... yeah... let me go find some."
I gave him a massage and he passed out cold in the middle. I felt a little sick. I went to go look for my cell phone to call back my sponsor to go over my singing fear/resentment. I couldn't find my phone anywhere. It was almost 11:00 PM.
Shit, shit, shit! Where was my phone???
I picked up Narc's phone so that I could call mine and find it by the ring. His phone had two missed calls. One was from Laurie. It bothered me. I snooped. I looked at his sent messages. He had a whole bunch of affectionate messages sent to her.
"I'm sorry if I seem too forward sometimes love," one of them said. "Just wish you would let go a bit and let me love you. Promise you won't get hurt."
Obviously that sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Is there any other way to interpret that? But I swallowed down my feelings, called my sponsor and didn't say a word about Narc.
When I hung up the phone with her, I felt empty and spent and spinning. I felt sick and dark. I called Pixie and talked some of it through with her.
"If you don't want him to be there right now, ask him to leave," she said. "And you're not alone. I'm here. You can call me at any moment. And God is with you right there in your apartment."
I agreed to try.
I went back into the bedroom. Narc was still flopped on his stomach snoring into my pillow.
"Narc... wake up," I nudged softly. He didn't even flinch.
"Narc! Narc!" I insisted a little louder. I started to push his arm a little.
He was stone cold knocked out. There was no point to this. I called Pixie back. We agreed that I would sleep on the couch and call her if I needed anything else. I dragged a comforter and pillows over to the sofa. I was so uncomfortable... so much pain, so much fear, so much anxiety, so much confusion. I kept trying to remind myself of what she had told me-- that I wasn't alone. It was then that StarGazer called. I lay there huddled in on the couch and told her what had happened. It feels good to have such amazing friends. Finally, after 1:00 AM, I was able to drift off to sleep.
At around 6:00 AM, I heard him moving around from the bathroom to the kitchen. I opened my eyes.
"Narc? Is that you?"
"Yeah... What are you doing out here?" he asked.
"I was mad at you."
"Come back to bed, Hyde," he said. He was still clearly half asleep. So was I.
"I don't know."
"Well, stay out here if you want, but I'm going back to bed. And I think you should come with me."
"Umm.... well, ok."
I followed him into the bedroom and he snuggled me close, but I kept on my underwear and tank top as a defense. I was asleep again within minutes.
This morning I woke up at around 9:00 AM. He was still in a deep sleep. At around 10:30 I tried to nudge him awake.
"Mmm... not just yet," he said.
"Narc, I want to talk to you though," I whispered.
He didn't respond.
"Narc-- I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Did I just say that? Who made me say that?
He opened one eye and looked down at me. I felt tears starting to well up in my own.
"What makes you say that?" he asked, calmly.
"I just... I just don't think this is working anymore," I stammered. "I mean-- it's painful, right?"
"Who's in pain?" he asked. "What's painful?"
"I am... I'm in pain. Pain, pain, pain. And it can't have a good ending."
"Nothing has a good ending, Hyde," he smiled. "It all ends in death."
"Death doesn't have to be a bad thing," I murmured.
I suddenly regretted having opened this can of worms.
"I just don't feel good in it. I mean-- you know that I... the feelings I have for you... and you want something else. I mean... I just don't think it's healthy. I can't..."
He didn't respond. So, I just put my head down in the pillow and cried.
He started to stroke my hair and pulled me in close. I could feel my hot tears on his chest soaking back into my own eyelashes. He put his hand down my underwear. I didn't say anything either.
You're not going anywhere, he was saying in the silence. You belong to me. I didn't protest.
So... we had sex. But I was still crying.
"What do you think about what I said?" I asked afterwards.
"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "You know I love being with you. And I thought you were cool with everything. I mean, I know that you had feelings for me in the past, but I thought that since we got back together it was understood that we were just having fun together."
"Did I say that?" I asked.
"Yeah, you did."
"Well, if I ever said that, maybe I wanted to believe it. But come on, Narc... You know how I feel about you. I've been in love with you for three years. Don't pretend you don't know that."
Anyway, some time later, I insisted we get out of bed.
"Today is B's birthday," I explained. "I have to meet him for lunch and then work on my paper and then go to a voice lesson and then meet my friend NV to go to the opera tonight."
"What are you seeing?"
"Vanessa. It's Samuel Barber."
I got up and started to get dressed. He masturbated while he watched me dress. It was a little weird. I felt sad.
Finally, he got up and got dressed too. I was lacing up my boots.
"Can we finish this discussion?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure..." he said.
The whole thing was so uncomfortable though.
"I just don't want to sit around waiting for my heart to be broken."
"How can your heart be broken, Hyde? There are no surprises here. It's not like one day I'm just going to drop it on you that I'm going away."
"You have in the past!"
"I have not... only once maybe, when we had a talk similar to this one. And that's only because I want you to be happy."
"I just know you're going to date someone else one of these days and it's going to hurt."
"What about you?" he asked. "Why don't you date someone else?"
"I can't if I'm in love with you!"
He just stared back at me.
"I know you have a crush on Laurie," I said.
"What? No-- Laurie and I are just friends."
"No, Narc... You have a crush on her. Remember, you called me by her name?"
"There's nothing between me and Laurie that I know of."
"That you know of? Well, say that if you want, but I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. It just hurts."
"Hyde, what do you want?"
"I just feel like half a person when I'm with you, Narc. I'm not whole. I'm not even half... I'm just a part... a piece... sex. There's nothing else you value about me. And I have to deny my own feelings all the time. I don't want to be in love with you, but I am. And I always try to make that go away, but I can't make it!"
"I care about you," he said. "I do."
"I guess I know that," I said. "I mean-- I know you care about me. If you didn't, or if I didn't know that, I wouldn't still be here."
" And I love being with you," he said. "But you want me to value you? I don't know what you want me to say to that..."
"Maybe you could find some ways to show it?"
"How do you want me to show it?"
I wasn't sure how to answer his question.
"This is not a one night stand anymore, Narc. It's NOT a one night stand!"
"But it's not a marriage either."
I started laughing out loud.
"A marriage?! God, no! Who is saying that? I just want it to be more whole-- more real... I want to feel respected... valued."
"What does that even mean, though, Hyde?"
"I used to think you and I were so similar," I said. "I used to think we're so similar, but we're not."
"We're definitely not," he said.
"I know... we're not. We think about things differently. Way different things factor into our decision making. I mean-- I know we're not compatible in a relationship, but the way I think gets overwhelmed by my heart. My heart doesn't care. I pulled that lever to love you three years ago this month and I can't un-pull it!"
"You should un-pull it."
"I can't."
"Well, first of all-- I don't think we're incompatible," he said.
"We are."
"No... we're not. We're just not what the other is looking for in the opposite sex."
"How do you know what I'm looking for?"
"Well, you're not looking for me, Hyde! I drink every night... my lifestyle... always going out... I'm not what you want."
"And what are you looking for?"
"Someone that makes me burn to do things I need to do," he said. "I need a really strong woman. Strong and motivated..."
I didn't say anything.
"We just don't find those things that we need in each other," he went on.
"I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship with you, Narc. Trust me-- I know that you're not what I want in the long term. You're not what I want on paper."
"Then what are you asking me for?" he asked.
Again, I didn't know what to say. What AM I asking him for? What DO I want from him? Have I ever even bothered to work out my own answers to those questions?
"I don't know how to answer that," I told him. "Maybe we could finish this conversation once I've had time to think. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about it."
He smiled at that.
"I just want to feel more whole," I went on. "I want to feel like you want all of me in whatever it is we do... it's not just you, but I need that in all my relationships. We don't do things like friends. We don't act like friends."
"If we act like friends and we're having sex, then that's a relationship," he said.
"You've said that before, but it's not true. It's just respect and appreciation."
We were sitting on my bed. He was in his overcoat. I had been downloading my paper onto my laptop while we were talking.
"You're going to be late to meet B," he said.
"Yeah, I know. Can we talk about this more in a few days?"
"Of course," he said.
I went into the living room and pulled on my coat.
"Do you think it's cold outside?"
"I don't' know."
"Can I have a hug?"
"Of course."
I swung my arms up around his neck and buried my face in that cavern between his cheek and shoulder.
We walked out to the elevator together. I put on another coat of lip gloss.
I got the first cab. He gave me another hug.
"I'll talk to you in a few days, hon," he said.
It was awkward.
And then I went to lunch with B.
love,
h
After I posted in the afternoon, I went to class and then to AA. BigSis' friend AGrub came to the meeting with me, just to "check it out." After he left, we were having elections. While they were counting the ballots, everyone waited restlessly. There must have been at least 200 people there.
"Hey, R-- got any entertainment for us?" our meeting chair shouted out to the guy who plans most of our group activities.
"How about Cherubino and Hyde sing something?" he suggested.
Everyone started cheering, and although I didn't want to, I found myself peer-pressured into the front of the room. But where was Cherubino?? I didn't see her anywhere.
"Go on, Hyde! Sing something!!"
I so, so, SO didn't want to. I hate doing anything unprepared, let alone singing without accompaniment, sheet music or a lot of time to mentally overcome my shyness and stage fright. Yet there, I was, suddenly in front of a microphone staring out at the crowd. So... I sang. They cheered. Everyone congratulated me like mad afterwards. But I felt sick and flushed and the whole thing was absolutely surreal.
On my way home, Narc called. He was wasted beyond belief. I could barely understand anything he was saying. But I somehow ended up agreeing to let him come over.
Back at my place, I called Cherubino to process the whole singing thing with her. She told me to "write it out" and call her back before 11:00 PM.
Then the doorbell rang. Narc was stumbling into the walls. I poured him a glass of water and lit him a cigarette.
"Take off your clothes," he said.
"Not yet, Narc. I just got home. I need to unwind first."
He started to kiss me. It was like taking the "first drink"-- a chemical reaction. He almost dropped his cigarette. I burned the tip of my finger. Unmanageabilty.
"Well, I'm going to take off my clothes, then," he said.
We stood there for a while-- making out in the space between my dining table and my kitchen counter. He stripped my clothes off me. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I was afraid he was going to fall down and crack open his head. So... I led him into the bedroom.
We had sex, but he was really very drunk and every time I tried to look in his eyes, they were unfocused and rolling back. He was sloppy and smelled sweet and sour-- like old whiskey, sugar and smoke.
"I love you," I said.
He said something back that was incomprehensible. I thought he was going to pass out.
"Will you rub my back?" he asked? "Do you have massage oil?"
I was surprised at this request.
"Um... yeah... let me go find some."
I gave him a massage and he passed out cold in the middle. I felt a little sick. I went to go look for my cell phone to call back my sponsor to go over my singing fear/resentment. I couldn't find my phone anywhere. It was almost 11:00 PM.
Shit, shit, shit! Where was my phone???
I picked up Narc's phone so that I could call mine and find it by the ring. His phone had two missed calls. One was from Laurie. It bothered me. I snooped. I looked at his sent messages. He had a whole bunch of affectionate messages sent to her.
"I'm sorry if I seem too forward sometimes love," one of them said. "Just wish you would let go a bit and let me love you. Promise you won't get hurt."
Obviously that sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Is there any other way to interpret that? But I swallowed down my feelings, called my sponsor and didn't say a word about Narc.
When I hung up the phone with her, I felt empty and spent and spinning. I felt sick and dark. I called Pixie and talked some of it through with her.
"If you don't want him to be there right now, ask him to leave," she said. "And you're not alone. I'm here. You can call me at any moment. And God is with you right there in your apartment."
I agreed to try.
I went back into the bedroom. Narc was still flopped on his stomach snoring into my pillow.
"Narc... wake up," I nudged softly. He didn't even flinch.
"Narc! Narc!" I insisted a little louder. I started to push his arm a little.
He was stone cold knocked out. There was no point to this. I called Pixie back. We agreed that I would sleep on the couch and call her if I needed anything else. I dragged a comforter and pillows over to the sofa. I was so uncomfortable... so much pain, so much fear, so much anxiety, so much confusion. I kept trying to remind myself of what she had told me-- that I wasn't alone. It was then that StarGazer called. I lay there huddled in on the couch and told her what had happened. It feels good to have such amazing friends. Finally, after 1:00 AM, I was able to drift off to sleep.
At around 6:00 AM, I heard him moving around from the bathroom to the kitchen. I opened my eyes.
"Narc? Is that you?"
"Yeah... What are you doing out here?" he asked.
"I was mad at you."
"Come back to bed, Hyde," he said. He was still clearly half asleep. So was I.
"I don't know."
"Well, stay out here if you want, but I'm going back to bed. And I think you should come with me."
"Umm.... well, ok."
I followed him into the bedroom and he snuggled me close, but I kept on my underwear and tank top as a defense. I was asleep again within minutes.
This morning I woke up at around 9:00 AM. He was still in a deep sleep. At around 10:30 I tried to nudge him awake.
"Mmm... not just yet," he said.
"Narc, I want to talk to you though," I whispered.
He didn't respond.
"Narc-- I don't think we should see each other anymore."
Did I just say that? Who made me say that?
He opened one eye and looked down at me. I felt tears starting to well up in my own.
"What makes you say that?" he asked, calmly.
"I just... I just don't think this is working anymore," I stammered. "I mean-- it's painful, right?"
"Who's in pain?" he asked. "What's painful?"
"I am... I'm in pain. Pain, pain, pain. And it can't have a good ending."
"Nothing has a good ending, Hyde," he smiled. "It all ends in death."
"Death doesn't have to be a bad thing," I murmured.
I suddenly regretted having opened this can of worms.
"I just don't feel good in it. I mean-- you know that I... the feelings I have for you... and you want something else. I mean... I just don't think it's healthy. I can't..."
He didn't respond. So, I just put my head down in the pillow and cried.
He started to stroke my hair and pulled me in close. I could feel my hot tears on his chest soaking back into my own eyelashes. He put his hand down my underwear. I didn't say anything either.
You're not going anywhere, he was saying in the silence. You belong to me. I didn't protest.
So... we had sex. But I was still crying.
"What do you think about what I said?" I asked afterwards.
"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "You know I love being with you. And I thought you were cool with everything. I mean, I know that you had feelings for me in the past, but I thought that since we got back together it was understood that we were just having fun together."
"Did I say that?" I asked.
"Yeah, you did."
"Well, if I ever said that, maybe I wanted to believe it. But come on, Narc... You know how I feel about you. I've been in love with you for three years. Don't pretend you don't know that."
Anyway, some time later, I insisted we get out of bed.
"Today is B's birthday," I explained. "I have to meet him for lunch and then work on my paper and then go to a voice lesson and then meet my friend NV to go to the opera tonight."
"What are you seeing?"
"Vanessa. It's Samuel Barber."
I got up and started to get dressed. He masturbated while he watched me dress. It was a little weird. I felt sad.
Finally, he got up and got dressed too. I was lacing up my boots.
"Can we finish this discussion?" I asked.
"Yeah, sure..." he said.
The whole thing was so uncomfortable though.
"I just don't want to sit around waiting for my heart to be broken."
"How can your heart be broken, Hyde? There are no surprises here. It's not like one day I'm just going to drop it on you that I'm going away."
"You have in the past!"
"I have not... only once maybe, when we had a talk similar to this one. And that's only because I want you to be happy."
"I just know you're going to date someone else one of these days and it's going to hurt."
"What about you?" he asked. "Why don't you date someone else?"
"I can't if I'm in love with you!"
He just stared back at me.
"I know you have a crush on Laurie," I said.
"What? No-- Laurie and I are just friends."
"No, Narc... You have a crush on her. Remember, you called me by her name?"
"There's nothing between me and Laurie that I know of."
"That you know of? Well, say that if you want, but I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. It just hurts."
"Hyde, what do you want?"
"I just feel like half a person when I'm with you, Narc. I'm not whole. I'm not even half... I'm just a part... a piece... sex. There's nothing else you value about me. And I have to deny my own feelings all the time. I don't want to be in love with you, but I am. And I always try to make that go away, but I can't make it!"
"I care about you," he said. "I do."
"I guess I know that," I said. "I mean-- I know you care about me. If you didn't, or if I didn't know that, I wouldn't still be here."
" And I love being with you," he said. "But you want me to value you? I don't know what you want me to say to that..."
"Maybe you could find some ways to show it?"
"How do you want me to show it?"
I wasn't sure how to answer his question.
"This is not a one night stand anymore, Narc. It's NOT a one night stand!"
"But it's not a marriage either."
I started laughing out loud.
"A marriage?! God, no! Who is saying that? I just want it to be more whole-- more real... I want to feel respected... valued."
"What does that even mean, though, Hyde?"
"I used to think you and I were so similar," I said. "I used to think we're so similar, but we're not."
"We're definitely not," he said.
"I know... we're not. We think about things differently. Way different things factor into our decision making. I mean-- I know we're not compatible in a relationship, but the way I think gets overwhelmed by my heart. My heart doesn't care. I pulled that lever to love you three years ago this month and I can't un-pull it!"
"You should un-pull it."
"I can't."
"Well, first of all-- I don't think we're incompatible," he said.
"We are."
"No... we're not. We're just not what the other is looking for in the opposite sex."
"How do you know what I'm looking for?"
"Well, you're not looking for me, Hyde! I drink every night... my lifestyle... always going out... I'm not what you want."
"And what are you looking for?"
"Someone that makes me burn to do things I need to do," he said. "I need a really strong woman. Strong and motivated..."
I didn't say anything.
"We just don't find those things that we need in each other," he went on.
"I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship with you, Narc. Trust me-- I know that you're not what I want in the long term. You're not what I want on paper."
"Then what are you asking me for?" he asked.
Again, I didn't know what to say. What AM I asking him for? What DO I want from him? Have I ever even bothered to work out my own answers to those questions?
"I don't know how to answer that," I told him. "Maybe we could finish this conversation once I've had time to think. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about it."
He smiled at that.
"I just want to feel more whole," I went on. "I want to feel like you want all of me in whatever it is we do... it's not just you, but I need that in all my relationships. We don't do things like friends. We don't act like friends."
"If we act like friends and we're having sex, then that's a relationship," he said.
"You've said that before, but it's not true. It's just respect and appreciation."
We were sitting on my bed. He was in his overcoat. I had been downloading my paper onto my laptop while we were talking.
"You're going to be late to meet B," he said.
"Yeah, I know. Can we talk about this more in a few days?"
"Of course," he said.
I went into the living room and pulled on my coat.
"Do you think it's cold outside?"
"I don't' know."
"Can I have a hug?"
"Of course."
I swung my arms up around his neck and buried my face in that cavern between his cheek and shoulder.
We walked out to the elevator together. I put on another coat of lip gloss.
I got the first cab. He gave me another hug.
"I'll talk to you in a few days, hon," he said.
It was awkward.
And then I went to lunch with B.
love,
h
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Normalization
It's about that time of year when I realize that I only have a month and a half left to the semester and an insurmountable amount of work to accomplish before that. I am almost (almost!) done with my Italian fascism paper (on which I worked all weekend) but that, of course, left me no time to get my reading done for the German history class today, nor was I able to write new lesson plans (something about feudal Japan?) and so I have been completely and utterly unprepared all day.
This morning, I caught a cab fairly quickly, despite the rain (which always makes it more difficult). However, my luck just about ended there, as the cab got pulled over for "blocking the box," the cab driver was given a ticket and I sat patiently in the back seat while a bitter argument with the traffic officer ensued. Needless to say, I was late for class.
I skipped feudal Japan and cut straight to the Reformation (which has now thrown the course out of sequence, but whatever...) and rushed to the library after class to print out the German history articles I hadn't had time to read. Leave it to my school to have an enormous computer lab with all but one of the printers broken and the only working printer rejecting everything I tried to print. I will not be able to get this reading done, and I can only hope that no attention is drawn to my lack of preparation. I absolutely hate walking into things unprepared.
So... that's today. So far, it's all chaos.
The weekend was nice. On Friday I hung out at home and worked on my paper. On Saturday I hung out at home and worked on my paper. NDN came up for a while and kept me company. I took a break at around 6:00 when Bezoukhoff arrived. We had plans to go to the movies, where we saw Lust, Caution. It was awesome. I'm still there, a little bit, in my head.
Narc sent me a text at around 4:00 AM on Saturday night. I didn't get it until 5:00 AM when I opened my eyes for a sec and saw my phone was buzzing. I called him and we spoke briefly, making a plan for me to go down and see him the next morning. Despite the fact that my paper wasn't finished, I couldn't resist...
So... On Sunday morning I had brunch with NDN at a nearby diner and then headed to Tribeca. Narc and I lolled around in bed for most of the morning and early afternoon before heading for sushi at his favorite spot. He was going on and on about Laurie. He said he hadn't heard from her in a few days and was worried that he might have said something that "stepped over the line."
"I don't understand what you mean," I said.
"Well, we're always joking around that we should just get married. And she invited me home for Christmas... Maybe she thought I was serious about that or something."
"If it was just a joke, why should she think that?" I asked. "And why don't you date her, anyway?"
"No... there's nothing between us," he frowned. "Besides, we'd probably both end up in AA."
"That's not such a bad thing."
I was so fucking confused at this point... confused and sad, I guess... or, if not sad, then disturbed. I couldn't put my finger on just what I was feeling, but it wasn't good. So, we kept eating sushi and I tried to ignore my feelings.
Narc also went on about how everyone cheats and about how his friend Danielle (at 38 years old, like Laurie) is crushing on some 26 year old rock-band guy and how all women are like that. I am so sick of his "women are shallow and only want rich, hot guys" diatribes. I just don't want to engage with it anymore. It makes no sense to me. I pointed out that he cheated on PopStar.
"Not until November or so... not until I was sure she was cheating on me."
"Narc, I know we slept together before that-- we were in bed the day you told me you were going to Russia to apply for the marriage!"
"No. That's not true," he said.
"Whatever... not like it matters."
(I looked it up on the blog. She left towards the end of August. We had sex a month later-- on September 18th.)
It's weird, though-- for Narc, all the women he spends time with (except for me) are exactly like that. I started to think about how we all surround ourselves with people who normalize our behavior. For me, it's "normal" to be in AA, it's "normal" to be a single girl living in NYC, it's "normal" to be getting a PhD. Basically all of my friends are doing one or the other. When I used to drink with Narc, we "normalized" each others drinking. Why does he chose such shitty women to spend his time with?
Anyway, after sushi, we went back to his place and I tried to work on my paper a little bit while he played (and beat) Mario on the Wii. Then we decided to cook dinner. Narc doesn't know anything about cooking, but he bought some chicken breasts and wanted to give it a go. So, we made the chicken breasts and some mixed vegetables and he lit a candle and we ate together perched at his dining table. I was trying so hard not to lose my grip on reality. It was cozy and sweet, but a lie.
Afterwards, we watched some more TV (including part of that movie-- "Hard Candy" in which a 14 year old girl wants to castrate a 31 year old man) and then some Sex in the City (we both have very strong opinions about Mr. Big!) and then we headed to bed.
On Monday, I hung out there until about noon and then headed home to attempt some more work on my paper. I got a little done, but was feeling lethargic and wasteful and didn't do as much as I could have. Later on, I headed to AA and tried to resume my work when I got back that night, but again-- I was not at the peak of my productivity.
And that brings me to today-- I'm trying to throw myself into my scholastic life, but it feels awful to be constantly scrambling to climb up this slippery mountain while I keep berating myself that it should have been climbed long ago. I want this work to be finished. I want to be prepared for things. I want to have my feet on the ground.
I don't know... But in any case, I have to run to class now.
later!
love,
h
This morning, I caught a cab fairly quickly, despite the rain (which always makes it more difficult). However, my luck just about ended there, as the cab got pulled over for "blocking the box," the cab driver was given a ticket and I sat patiently in the back seat while a bitter argument with the traffic officer ensued. Needless to say, I was late for class.
I skipped feudal Japan and cut straight to the Reformation (which has now thrown the course out of sequence, but whatever...) and rushed to the library after class to print out the German history articles I hadn't had time to read. Leave it to my school to have an enormous computer lab with all but one of the printers broken and the only working printer rejecting everything I tried to print. I will not be able to get this reading done, and I can only hope that no attention is drawn to my lack of preparation. I absolutely hate walking into things unprepared.
So... that's today. So far, it's all chaos.
The weekend was nice. On Friday I hung out at home and worked on my paper. On Saturday I hung out at home and worked on my paper. NDN came up for a while and kept me company. I took a break at around 6:00 when Bezoukhoff arrived. We had plans to go to the movies, where we saw Lust, Caution. It was awesome. I'm still there, a little bit, in my head.
Narc sent me a text at around 4:00 AM on Saturday night. I didn't get it until 5:00 AM when I opened my eyes for a sec and saw my phone was buzzing. I called him and we spoke briefly, making a plan for me to go down and see him the next morning. Despite the fact that my paper wasn't finished, I couldn't resist...
So... On Sunday morning I had brunch with NDN at a nearby diner and then headed to Tribeca. Narc and I lolled around in bed for most of the morning and early afternoon before heading for sushi at his favorite spot. He was going on and on about Laurie. He said he hadn't heard from her in a few days and was worried that he might have said something that "stepped over the line."
"I don't understand what you mean," I said.
"Well, we're always joking around that we should just get married. And she invited me home for Christmas... Maybe she thought I was serious about that or something."
"If it was just a joke, why should she think that?" I asked. "And why don't you date her, anyway?"
"No... there's nothing between us," he frowned. "Besides, we'd probably both end up in AA."
"That's not such a bad thing."
I was so fucking confused at this point... confused and sad, I guess... or, if not sad, then disturbed. I couldn't put my finger on just what I was feeling, but it wasn't good. So, we kept eating sushi and I tried to ignore my feelings.
Narc also went on about how everyone cheats and about how his friend Danielle (at 38 years old, like Laurie) is crushing on some 26 year old rock-band guy and how all women are like that. I am so sick of his "women are shallow and only want rich, hot guys" diatribes. I just don't want to engage with it anymore. It makes no sense to me. I pointed out that he cheated on PopStar.
"Not until November or so... not until I was sure she was cheating on me."
"Narc, I know we slept together before that-- we were in bed the day you told me you were going to Russia to apply for the marriage!"
"No. That's not true," he said.
"Whatever... not like it matters."
(I looked it up on the blog. She left towards the end of August. We had sex a month later-- on September 18th.)
It's weird, though-- for Narc, all the women he spends time with (except for me) are exactly like that. I started to think about how we all surround ourselves with people who normalize our behavior. For me, it's "normal" to be in AA, it's "normal" to be a single girl living in NYC, it's "normal" to be getting a PhD. Basically all of my friends are doing one or the other. When I used to drink with Narc, we "normalized" each others drinking. Why does he chose such shitty women to spend his time with?
Anyway, after sushi, we went back to his place and I tried to work on my paper a little bit while he played (and beat) Mario on the Wii. Then we decided to cook dinner. Narc doesn't know anything about cooking, but he bought some chicken breasts and wanted to give it a go. So, we made the chicken breasts and some mixed vegetables and he lit a candle and we ate together perched at his dining table. I was trying so hard not to lose my grip on reality. It was cozy and sweet, but a lie.
Afterwards, we watched some more TV (including part of that movie-- "Hard Candy" in which a 14 year old girl wants to castrate a 31 year old man) and then some Sex in the City (we both have very strong opinions about Mr. Big!) and then we headed to bed.
On Monday, I hung out there until about noon and then headed home to attempt some more work on my paper. I got a little done, but was feeling lethargic and wasteful and didn't do as much as I could have. Later on, I headed to AA and tried to resume my work when I got back that night, but again-- I was not at the peak of my productivity.
And that brings me to today-- I'm trying to throw myself into my scholastic life, but it feels awful to be constantly scrambling to climb up this slippery mountain while I keep berating myself that it should have been climbed long ago. I want this work to be finished. I want to be prepared for things. I want to have my feet on the ground.
I don't know... But in any case, I have to run to class now.
later!
love,
h
Monday, November 12, 2007
He is a God
I can't stop watching this.
I taped this performance off PBS in 1997. I taped it over VJ's video of A Christmas Story. I've watched it (and the rest of the act) dozens and dozens of times.
The other day when Bezoukhoff was over, I showed it to him-- Act IV of Puccini's Manon Lescaut with Placido Domingo and Renatta Scotto-- 1980 at the Metropolitan Opera.
Domingo is a God to me here. I cry every single time. Too bad they don't have Scotto's "sola, perdutta, abandonata" in the same clip. (Although you can see it here!) It's also divine.
Pure.
It's just pure something..
love,
h
I taped this performance off PBS in 1997. I taped it over VJ's video of A Christmas Story. I've watched it (and the rest of the act) dozens and dozens of times.
The other day when Bezoukhoff was over, I showed it to him-- Act IV of Puccini's Manon Lescaut with Placido Domingo and Renatta Scotto-- 1980 at the Metropolitan Opera.
Domingo is a God to me here. I cry every single time. Too bad they don't have Scotto's "sola, perdutta, abandonata" in the same clip. (Although you can see it here!) It's also divine.
Pure.
It's just pure something..
love,
h
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Love Story
My heart is swallowing itself.
Every love story I see makes me think of him... from the Louisiana desert to war-torn Shanghai. Tears in my eyes for them. He is everywhere.
He is everywhere except here.
love,
h
Every love story I see makes me think of him... from the Louisiana desert to war-torn Shanghai. Tears in my eyes for them. He is everywhere.
He is everywhere except here.
love,
h
Friday, November 9, 2007
In the Quiet
It's a quiet night tonight-- quiet and chilled and damp and dark. It got dark out so early today. I was leaving the hair salon just after four and the sky was already half black, threatening rain. I'm glad to be home now. It's the right kind of night to be at home.
Last night I had dinner with Cherubino and StarGazer after the meeting. We went to a little Indian place up a flight of stairs. It was strange.
Today I'm supposed to be working on my fascism paper. I better get started if I'm ever going to finish.
I'm running low on cash right now and it's really stressing me out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford a voice lesson this week.
Anyway, that's it for now. Hammer is going to stop by in a few. I think she's with the Alaskan? We shall see...
Back to work...
love,
h
Last night I had dinner with Cherubino and StarGazer after the meeting. We went to a little Indian place up a flight of stairs. It was strange.
Today I'm supposed to be working on my fascism paper. I better get started if I'm ever going to finish.
I'm running low on cash right now and it's really stressing me out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford a voice lesson this week.
Anyway, that's it for now. Hammer is going to stop by in a few. I think she's with the Alaskan? We shall see...
Back to work...
love,
h
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Settling Storm
Feeling a little better and more myself. Maybe it is the cold weather setting in... Maybe it is the fact that the city is slowly stringing itself up in lights and the windows are bare in preparation for holiday displays. I love it.
I don't feel like summarizing the whole debacle of Tuesday night. The bottom line is that I lent Narc money that he was supposed to give back to me on Monday, he pushed it to Tuesday and then flaked on me and in effect "stood me up." Even so, I had a great time out with my AA friends at the diner on Tuesday evening and I had a long and meaningful talk with Pixie.
After midnight I went to visit PonyTailBoy at the gay piano bar where he works. I hung out there for about an hour or so, but it soon wore thin. I was approached by a very drunk businessman from out of town who politely inquired if he might have access to my lingerie wardrobe. I respectfully declined, but wished him luck finding someone else. From there I popped into Cheers. It was completely empty except for BarMan and two friends who were watching the Sean Connery on Jeopardy! sketches from SNL on youtube. I didn't stay long.
When I woke up yesterday morning I had six missed calls and four very drunk messages from Narc all left at about 3:30 AM. Ugh. More of the same. It's boring even me at this point.
I tried to ignore the knot in my stomach and instead headed to my doctor's appointment.
The good news is that I'm right on schedule with my recovery, all of my blood work checks out and everything is apparently great. Yay.
Narc texted me in the afternoon that he had my money. I told him to "leave it with the doorman."
Later on in the day I had a positively kick-ass voice lesson. I swear, my voice is ten times bigger when I sing in lessons. The Massenet was flowing like liquid gold. I had such a singing high.
Afterwards, I went to hear Pixie speak at a meeting on the Upper East Side. The meeting was in a very rich neighborhood and the meeting room looked like it was a period room straight out of the Met Museum. The crowd was older and most of them were in suits. Pixie and I both looked very "downtown" in comparison, if only just for the sneakers and shabbiness. It was a little intimidating, but cool because once the meeting started the differences melted away.
When I got home last night, Narc called. He said he had the money and could come drop it off, "unless I wanted to come to him."
"No. I don't want to go to your house tonight, Narc," I said flatly.
I wasn't sure how to be about all this, though.
He ended up coming by and I was pretty frank about it. I told him that I felt disrespected and that it was unacceptable, etc. He gave me some excuse about Mercury being in retrograde (which, by the way, ended on Nov. 1). But in the end, he apologized, with a look on his face that told me he really didn't know what to say. I hammered my point in. But perhaps, I should have followed it with some action. Instead, we ordered takeout and he stayed over. He was restless in his sleep and we both woke up before the alarm this morning. Weird. He also told me that he has been having trouble with his heartbeat again and his breathing. He thinks it might be the cold weather. I reminded him that this is the time of year when he got really sick last year. It all scares me too much to think about...
Pixie left her cell phone in a cab last night and whoever found it called me. My neighbor happily volunteered to pick it up since he was headed in that direction. Very cool of him.
Tonight, my friend BahBoy is competing in a "Verdi baritone" competition where Placido Domingo will be one of the judges. So cool. It's too bad I can't go hear him, though, because I have AA.
Anyway, that's it for now. Have to go teach in a couple of minutes.
later...
love,
h
I don't feel like summarizing the whole debacle of Tuesday night. The bottom line is that I lent Narc money that he was supposed to give back to me on Monday, he pushed it to Tuesday and then flaked on me and in effect "stood me up." Even so, I had a great time out with my AA friends at the diner on Tuesday evening and I had a long and meaningful talk with Pixie.
After midnight I went to visit PonyTailBoy at the gay piano bar where he works. I hung out there for about an hour or so, but it soon wore thin. I was approached by a very drunk businessman from out of town who politely inquired if he might have access to my lingerie wardrobe. I respectfully declined, but wished him luck finding someone else. From there I popped into Cheers. It was completely empty except for BarMan and two friends who were watching the Sean Connery on Jeopardy! sketches from SNL on youtube. I didn't stay long.
When I woke up yesterday morning I had six missed calls and four very drunk messages from Narc all left at about 3:30 AM. Ugh. More of the same. It's boring even me at this point.
I tried to ignore the knot in my stomach and instead headed to my doctor's appointment.
The good news is that I'm right on schedule with my recovery, all of my blood work checks out and everything is apparently great. Yay.
Narc texted me in the afternoon that he had my money. I told him to "leave it with the doorman."
Later on in the day I had a positively kick-ass voice lesson. I swear, my voice is ten times bigger when I sing in lessons. The Massenet was flowing like liquid gold. I had such a singing high.
Afterwards, I went to hear Pixie speak at a meeting on the Upper East Side. The meeting was in a very rich neighborhood and the meeting room looked like it was a period room straight out of the Met Museum. The crowd was older and most of them were in suits. Pixie and I both looked very "downtown" in comparison, if only just for the sneakers and shabbiness. It was a little intimidating, but cool because once the meeting started the differences melted away.
When I got home last night, Narc called. He said he had the money and could come drop it off, "unless I wanted to come to him."
"No. I don't want to go to your house tonight, Narc," I said flatly.
I wasn't sure how to be about all this, though.
He ended up coming by and I was pretty frank about it. I told him that I felt disrespected and that it was unacceptable, etc. He gave me some excuse about Mercury being in retrograde (which, by the way, ended on Nov. 1). But in the end, he apologized, with a look on his face that told me he really didn't know what to say. I hammered my point in. But perhaps, I should have followed it with some action. Instead, we ordered takeout and he stayed over. He was restless in his sleep and we both woke up before the alarm this morning. Weird. He also told me that he has been having trouble with his heartbeat again and his breathing. He thinks it might be the cold weather. I reminded him that this is the time of year when he got really sick last year. It all scares me too much to think about...
Pixie left her cell phone in a cab last night and whoever found it called me. My neighbor happily volunteered to pick it up since he was headed in that direction. Very cool of him.
Tonight, my friend BahBoy is competing in a "Verdi baritone" competition where Placido Domingo will be one of the judges. So cool. It's too bad I can't go hear him, though, because I have AA.
Anyway, that's it for now. Have to go teach in a couple of minutes.
later...
love,
h
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
At 2:38 AM
Feeling so disrespected and so tired of this shit. Going to bed now. Have my 3-month post-op check up in the morning.
I'm not the same girl I used to be.
love,
h
I'm not the same girl I used to be.
love,
h
Monday, November 5, 2007
New Addition
There's a new addition to our circle of friends-- William.
I can't wait to meet him...
love,
h
Sunday, November 4, 2007
"Believe, Obey, Fight!"
I am absolutely brain-tired to the point of losing my ability to function. So... I think it's time to call it a night in terms of this paper. A few more days of super-hard work like this and I should be able to pull it together. Fascism as form devoid of ideology... that doesn't even make sense to me, but it's sort of what I'm arguing. I don't know... like I said, my brain is about to shut down, so I'm not going to get into it here.
On Friday night the Fauré concert with B was beautiful. Afterwards, Narc came back to my placed (he was in the neighborhood) and we ate dinner/watched TV for a while before going to spend the night at his apartment. He wasn't feeling great, nor was I, so it was a chill night. I did get to try out the new Mario game for Wii. It was pretty cool.
On Saturday morning, we laid around in bed for a while (and played Zelda on the DS and had sex) and then I headed back to my place. That afternoon, I met GoldenFinch at Carnegie Hall. We went for lunch at a French bistro that I like (La Bonne Soupe) and then headed back to the theater to see "Berlin: Symphony of a City" with the Edmund Meisel score arranged for two pianos and percussion. It was pretty amazing. The thing that blew my mind was how much like present-day New York it was... modernity is modernity, I guess.
Afterwards, we grabbed a quick coffee and I headed to Astoria for BigSis' birthday party. It was an awesome evening. My mom gave her a card for each year she's been alive, each with a memory of something that happened that year. (Being the historian and obsessive recorder that I am, I had to help her piece all that together!). After dinner with the family, the party shifted to a wine bar. It was nice to sit and catch up with BigSis' friends, AGrub and English. I didn't get home until pretty late.
This morning I had brunch with NDN. Afterwards we came back to my apartment and tried to get some work done together, but he has been depressed and mostly just wanted to lay around on my couch. I tried to ignore him and that depressive energy and worked a lot on my paper instead. Finally, he and I had a talk and he got a little bit of work done himself. He is in the midst of a job search, having just quit his job, and is in a bit of a dark place.
I'm wondering where Narc is today. I can't believe that even through my brain fatigue and basic thought-obliteration that such a creeping obsessive anxiety can fight its way through... but there it is. I'm wondering why I haven't heard from him.
I need to put my brain to rest now. My eyes are blurring and won't focus for much longer on the computer screen. I want to save some juice for tomorrow.
"Believe, Obey, Fight!" the Italian fascist slogan says... Believe what? Obey what? Fight what? Form without content. It's nothing like Liberté , Egalité , Fraternité ...
Ok. I'm done now.
Good night.
love,
h
On Friday night the Fauré concert with B was beautiful. Afterwards, Narc came back to my placed (he was in the neighborhood) and we ate dinner/watched TV for a while before going to spend the night at his apartment. He wasn't feeling great, nor was I, so it was a chill night. I did get to try out the new Mario game for Wii. It was pretty cool.
On Saturday morning, we laid around in bed for a while (and played Zelda on the DS and had sex) and then I headed back to my place. That afternoon, I met GoldenFinch at Carnegie Hall. We went for lunch at a French bistro that I like (La Bonne Soupe) and then headed back to the theater to see "Berlin: Symphony of a City" with the Edmund Meisel score arranged for two pianos and percussion. It was pretty amazing. The thing that blew my mind was how much like present-day New York it was... modernity is modernity, I guess.
Afterwards, we grabbed a quick coffee and I headed to Astoria for BigSis' birthday party. It was an awesome evening. My mom gave her a card for each year she's been alive, each with a memory of something that happened that year. (Being the historian and obsessive recorder that I am, I had to help her piece all that together!). After dinner with the family, the party shifted to a wine bar. It was nice to sit and catch up with BigSis' friends, AGrub and English. I didn't get home until pretty late.
This morning I had brunch with NDN. Afterwards we came back to my apartment and tried to get some work done together, but he has been depressed and mostly just wanted to lay around on my couch. I tried to ignore him and that depressive energy and worked a lot on my paper instead. Finally, he and I had a talk and he got a little bit of work done himself. He is in the midst of a job search, having just quit his job, and is in a bit of a dark place.
I'm wondering where Narc is today. I can't believe that even through my brain fatigue and basic thought-obliteration that such a creeping obsessive anxiety can fight its way through... but there it is. I'm wondering why I haven't heard from him.
I need to put my brain to rest now. My eyes are blurring and won't focus for much longer on the computer screen. I want to save some juice for tomorrow.
"Believe, Obey, Fight!" the Italian fascist slogan says... Believe what? Obey what? Fight what? Form without content. It's nothing like Liberté , Egalité , Fraternité ...
Ok. I'm done now.
Good night.
love,
h
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
The Grand Illusion
I was feeling empowered last night-- empowered and run down at the same time.
So, like I said, I got into bed at 11:30 or so and started to drift off to sleep. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He said he really wanted to see me. I told him that I was already drifting off. He said he left James at the Jazz club because James had just rung up the coke dealer, and Narc didn't want that kind of night.
"I could come to you, Hyde. I could be there in 10 minutes. I would like to see you."
"Um.... well, ok."
I hopped out of bed, cleared my computer history, swept the makeup containers off my bed, straightened out the pillows and took a breath. Then the doorman buzzed me.
I answered the door in my underpants and socks-- it's what I had been sleeping in.
"Hyde, you should be naked," he said, sweeping past me. "Take off the rest of your clothes."
"Ok."
Narc took off his coat and sat down on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.
"Your elevator is Orwellian," he said.
"It is?"
"Come over here and undress me."
"Undress you?"
He was in a strange mood and I was sleepy. I complied, kneeling to pull off his shoes and socks. When I had finished, he stood there staring me in the eyes.
"God, I love you," he said. "You know that I love you, don't you?"
I shook my head "no."
"I do. Of course I do. How could you not know that I do?"
I just stood there, not saying anything. Narc said he would be right back.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I'm going to pee. I want to be able to enjoy this moment. But I don't want you to move. Don't move until I come back."
I laughed to myself. We've both seen Secretary.
Anyway, he came back. I hadn't moved. What followed is way too personal to detail on the blog, but he was incredibly loving and in an incredibly strange mood. He kept calling me a "mermaid." "My sweet, sweet mermaid," he was saying. He put his head on my belly and my chest and was clinging to me. He kept telling me that I was beautiful. He put his hands around my waist.
"You're really losing weight," he said. "Are you still going to love me when you're done?"
"Are you still going to love me?" I asked. I didn't know what to say.
"Of course, of course," he murmured. "I love you now."
We had sex for a while. Then we sat on the couch.
"I'm going to ask you something a little misogynistic," he said.
"What?"
I was bracing myself for something bad.
"Can you go get me some cigarettes and an ashtray?"
"Narc! Of course! How is that misogynistic? You know I like doing things for you."
He wanted to go into the shower. I said "ok." Some strange sexual things ensued. Like I said-- a weird, weird night.
I don't think this has changed anything. I haven't changed my sentiment at all since my last post. But I let myself enjoy last night for what it was-- a moment in time.
Later, when we got in bed, it was more of the same.
"I love you, Hyde," he kept whispering.
"Do you really?" I asked.
"How can you even ask that?" he said, again.
What am I supposed to think?
Anyway, it wasn't broken when we got up this morning. He put his arms around my waist and snuggled me in so close. We got up at around 9:30 (when Hammer called) and laid around for most of the morning being insanely decadent. I told him I had to meet Contessa for lunch at 1:00, so he called and made a lunch plan with the Exhibitionist. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we left the house.
So, here I am-- just back from lunch with Contessa. We went for sushi. She talked a bit about her new-married life.
So, here I am-- not about to go back on the progress I've made. I don't care that he says he "loves me." (Well, obviously I care. Obviously it kills me and melts me!) But, I still need to be treated with respect. I still don't want to set myself up for more pain. I still don't want to compromise my own needs, my own schedule, my own health, my own work, my own relationships for him.
As beautiful as last night was, it exists in a time capsule and I can't let it deter me.
B is coming with me to the Faure concert tonight.
That's it for now.
love,
h
So, like I said, I got into bed at 11:30 or so and started to drift off to sleep. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He said he really wanted to see me. I told him that I was already drifting off. He said he left James at the Jazz club because James had just rung up the coke dealer, and Narc didn't want that kind of night.
"I could come to you, Hyde. I could be there in 10 minutes. I would like to see you."
"Um.... well, ok."
I hopped out of bed, cleared my computer history, swept the makeup containers off my bed, straightened out the pillows and took a breath. Then the doorman buzzed me.
I answered the door in my underpants and socks-- it's what I had been sleeping in.
"Hyde, you should be naked," he said, sweeping past me. "Take off the rest of your clothes."
"Ok."
Narc took off his coat and sat down on the bar stool at my kitchen counter.
"Your elevator is Orwellian," he said.
"It is?"
"Come over here and undress me."
"Undress you?"
He was in a strange mood and I was sleepy. I complied, kneeling to pull off his shoes and socks. When I had finished, he stood there staring me in the eyes.
"God, I love you," he said. "You know that I love you, don't you?"
I shook my head "no."
"I do. Of course I do. How could you not know that I do?"
I just stood there, not saying anything. Narc said he would be right back.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"I'm going to pee. I want to be able to enjoy this moment. But I don't want you to move. Don't move until I come back."
I laughed to myself. We've both seen Secretary.
Anyway, he came back. I hadn't moved. What followed is way too personal to detail on the blog, but he was incredibly loving and in an incredibly strange mood. He kept calling me a "mermaid." "My sweet, sweet mermaid," he was saying. He put his head on my belly and my chest and was clinging to me. He kept telling me that I was beautiful. He put his hands around my waist.
"You're really losing weight," he said. "Are you still going to love me when you're done?"
"Are you still going to love me?" I asked. I didn't know what to say.
"Of course, of course," he murmured. "I love you now."
We had sex for a while. Then we sat on the couch.
"I'm going to ask you something a little misogynistic," he said.
"What?"
I was bracing myself for something bad.
"Can you go get me some cigarettes and an ashtray?"
"Narc! Of course! How is that misogynistic? You know I like doing things for you."
He wanted to go into the shower. I said "ok." Some strange sexual things ensued. Like I said-- a weird, weird night.
I don't think this has changed anything. I haven't changed my sentiment at all since my last post. But I let myself enjoy last night for what it was-- a moment in time.
Later, when we got in bed, it was more of the same.
"I love you, Hyde," he kept whispering.
"Do you really?" I asked.
"How can you even ask that?" he said, again.
What am I supposed to think?
Anyway, it wasn't broken when we got up this morning. He put his arms around my waist and snuggled me in so close. We got up at around 9:30 (when Hammer called) and laid around for most of the morning being insanely decadent. I told him I had to meet Contessa for lunch at 1:00, so he called and made a lunch plan with the Exhibitionist. I was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we left the house.
So, here I am-- just back from lunch with Contessa. We went for sushi. She talked a bit about her new-married life.
So, here I am-- not about to go back on the progress I've made. I don't care that he says he "loves me." (Well, obviously I care. Obviously it kills me and melts me!) But, I still need to be treated with respect. I still don't want to set myself up for more pain. I still don't want to compromise my own needs, my own schedule, my own health, my own work, my own relationships for him.
As beautiful as last night was, it exists in a time capsule and I can't let it deter me.
B is coming with me to the Faure concert tonight.
That's it for now.
love,
h
Thursday, November 1, 2007
So Be It
I've been scatter-brained all day today, but clearer about certain things. I overslept, left my lecture notes at home, had to fast until 2:30 in the afternoon...
When I woke up this morning, I had gotten a text from Narc sent at 6:50 AM.
Come down when you're up. Call, it said.
I know this has happened a million and one times before, but it left me feeling like crap. He goes out with his "real friends" for Halloween and I get the 7:00 AM blow job text message? Maybe Toy is right-- maybe I should start charging. I felt disgusted. I didn't want to see him.
I didn't respond.
Therapy was helpful this afternoon. We are talking about things that make me uncomfortable, but I have also been feeling a little more real.
After therapy I had to go have my blood drawn for a post-surgery check-up. Like I said, I was fasting, and they took fourteen viles of blood from me! I was so woozy when it was done. To make matters worse, they drew from both my arms. I'm sure it's going to bruise.
While I was sitting there with the needle stuck into me, watching that hot red fluid fill up the test tubes, my phone vibrated in my pocket. On my way out of the lab, my knees already weak, I checked the message. It was Narc, in a voice that made my knees even weaker. His voice was low and a little gravely and he called me "Hydeeeen," as he is sometimes prone to do. He wanted to see me.
I stumbled into a diner and ordered some melon and cottage cheese. I called my mom on the phone and we talked for a good 40 minutes before I hung up with her and decided to call Narc back. He wanted to see me.
"I'm not free right now," I said. "I'm finishing up in a diner. Then I have to go to Club Monaco to get BigSis a gift card for her birthday. And then I have AA later..."
"AA gets in the way of all our evenings," he said.
"I can come by after," I offered. (I really didn't want to.)
"But I wanted to see you earlier. I was trying to make dinner plans with Laurie for later."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Narc. I'm not free until later."
"Why don't you call me after AA?" he suggested.
"Fine," I agreed.
I asked him how his Halloween had been.
"It was fun. We went out to the bar. ModelChick came and dressed like a girl scout. Frenchie went as a geisha. It wasn't a late night though."
"Seemed like it from your 7:00 AM text..."
"That's because James and I came back to my place and played the new Mario Brothers. It is seriously THE work of art of the millennium. It's more gorgeous than any painting I've ever seen."
"Narc! I can't believe that."
The phone call went on for a few more minutes, but my heart was dead in my throat and so I was not myself.
I didn't want to see him.
I went through the rest of the day as planned. I had some time to kill before AA, so I went into a breathtaking church on 65th and Lex and just sat there.
It's a French-Gothic style church. I've passed it a million times, but have never gone in. And, as luck would have it, they're having a free concert of Faure's Requiem on Friday night!
Anyway, I was filling in for LashGirl on her literature commitment tonight, so AA was happily distracting with work for me to do. I got to talk to Hammer for a few minutes before the meeting, which was nice, as we have been playing phone tag. She told me about a strange dream that she had in which she and I were swimming in the ocean and Spinsterwitch was a mermaid on a nearby cruise-ship that had left the port without us!
Afterwards, I went out for dinner with Pixie and Yogarl. We sat and talked and sat and talked and sat and talked and I never called Narc back.
And now it is 11:00 PM and I've just gotten home. So, I just now called Narc. Of course, he didn't pick up. (I'm sure he's either mad at me for putting him off, or is out drinking and hasn't had a single thought of me. Either way, it sucks.) I still don't want to see him. I am going to change the rules. I am not going to be available to him unless I am truly available. He's going to have to respect my time. If that means this thing falls apart, then so be it. I can't be "Atlas" holding it all together anymore.
I told him in my message to call me by 11:15 or I was going to sleep. I mean it. (I think?) No-- I really do mean it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
love,
h
ADDENDUM:
I just got a text from Narc: "At amazing Jazz club-- sorry. Out for a bit, love to see you later, else next time."
So, I wrote back: "Cool. Text later if you want to see if I'm still up. Otherwise, next time, like you said."
UGH!
When I woke up this morning, I had gotten a text from Narc sent at 6:50 AM.
Come down when you're up. Call, it said.
I know this has happened a million and one times before, but it left me feeling like crap. He goes out with his "real friends" for Halloween and I get the 7:00 AM blow job text message? Maybe Toy is right-- maybe I should start charging. I felt disgusted. I didn't want to see him.
I didn't respond.
Therapy was helpful this afternoon. We are talking about things that make me uncomfortable, but I have also been feeling a little more real.
After therapy I had to go have my blood drawn for a post-surgery check-up. Like I said, I was fasting, and they took fourteen viles of blood from me! I was so woozy when it was done. To make matters worse, they drew from both my arms. I'm sure it's going to bruise.
While I was sitting there with the needle stuck into me, watching that hot red fluid fill up the test tubes, my phone vibrated in my pocket. On my way out of the lab, my knees already weak, I checked the message. It was Narc, in a voice that made my knees even weaker. His voice was low and a little gravely and he called me "Hydeeeen," as he is sometimes prone to do. He wanted to see me.
I stumbled into a diner and ordered some melon and cottage cheese. I called my mom on the phone and we talked for a good 40 minutes before I hung up with her and decided to call Narc back. He wanted to see me.
"I'm not free right now," I said. "I'm finishing up in a diner. Then I have to go to Club Monaco to get BigSis a gift card for her birthday. And then I have AA later..."
"AA gets in the way of all our evenings," he said.
"I can come by after," I offered. (I really didn't want to.)
"But I wanted to see you earlier. I was trying to make dinner plans with Laurie for later."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Narc. I'm not free until later."
"Why don't you call me after AA?" he suggested.
"Fine," I agreed.
I asked him how his Halloween had been.
"It was fun. We went out to the bar. ModelChick came and dressed like a girl scout. Frenchie went as a geisha. It wasn't a late night though."
"Seemed like it from your 7:00 AM text..."
"That's because James and I came back to my place and played the new Mario Brothers. It is seriously THE work of art of the millennium. It's more gorgeous than any painting I've ever seen."
"Narc! I can't believe that."
The phone call went on for a few more minutes, but my heart was dead in my throat and so I was not myself.
I didn't want to see him.
I went through the rest of the day as planned. I had some time to kill before AA, so I went into a breathtaking church on 65th and Lex and just sat there.
It's a French-Gothic style church. I've passed it a million times, but have never gone in. And, as luck would have it, they're having a free concert of Faure's Requiem on Friday night!Anyway, I was filling in for LashGirl on her literature commitment tonight, so AA was happily distracting with work for me to do. I got to talk to Hammer for a few minutes before the meeting, which was nice, as we have been playing phone tag. She told me about a strange dream that she had in which she and I were swimming in the ocean and Spinsterwitch was a mermaid on a nearby cruise-ship that had left the port without us!
Afterwards, I went out for dinner with Pixie and Yogarl. We sat and talked and sat and talked and sat and talked and I never called Narc back.
And now it is 11:00 PM and I've just gotten home. So, I just now called Narc. Of course, he didn't pick up. (I'm sure he's either mad at me for putting him off, or is out drinking and hasn't had a single thought of me. Either way, it sucks.) I still don't want to see him. I am going to change the rules. I am not going to be available to him unless I am truly available. He's going to have to respect my time. If that means this thing falls apart, then so be it. I can't be "Atlas" holding it all together anymore.
I told him in my message to call me by 11:15 or I was going to sleep. I mean it. (I think?) No-- I really do mean it.
Anyway, that's it for now.
love,
h
ADDENDUM:
I just got a text from Narc: "At amazing Jazz club-- sorry. Out for a bit, love to see you later, else next time."
So, I wrote back: "Cool. Text later if you want to see if I'm still up. Otherwise, next time, like you said."
UGH!
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