2006-2007:
My first sober New Year's Eve--I spent it at my parent's house, feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't "partying," raising a toast with airborne and going to bed way too early.
2005-2006:
I brought the New Year in with NDN, partying down in Buenos Aires! We ate dinner with his friend Gerardo's family, hit a few parties, stayed up all night and jumped in a cab headed for the coast in the morning.
2004-2005:
Liu was in town visiting. We spent the evening at Cheers, getting absolutely wasted with BigSis, AGrub, English and the usual Cheers crowd. (FightingMensch was flirting with Liu and threatened to "fight" Bro-in-Law and AGrub.) The next morning, I woke up at 6:00 AM in my overcoat on the floor of my bathroom. I had to say goodbye to Liu fast and jump into a cab headed for the airport for a family vacation to Puerto Rico (on which Hammer came along!).
2003-2004:
I threw a party at my place. Liu was here visiting. My high school aged step-cousin came to the party. The evening ended with English making out with JBC's friend and toppling over a platter of cheese. My sister recommended that we all eat M&Ms and pretzels in one bite (sweet and salty!)
2000-2003: All of these years were spent at parties thrown by BigSis and Bro-in-Law in their old apartment on 56th and Broadway. From the roof of their building, there was a direct view of the ball-drop in Times Square.
'02-'03:
Everyone tried to get to the roof in time for midnight, but the elevators were slow and full (as the rest of the building had the same idea). Most of the party decided to run up the 15 flights of stairs, but I was wasted (as usual) and stubbornly insisted on waiting for the elevator. They were all dead tired and panting when they made it to the top, but I made it there on time too, and all in one piece!
'01-'02:
My former boss, IronChef came to the party. I was still dating B that year and we were living on the Upper West Side. We were in the process of moving from an apartment on the 3rd floor of our building to the 15th floor, and for some reason had access to both apartments that night. My friend HW and her abusive boyfriend stayed over in the spare apartment. The next morning we all had brunch and HW started downing screwdrivers.
'00-'01:
This was my first New Year's as a college grad. BigSis and Bro-in-Law were throwing their first party. Liu was in town visiting, and Anxious and Buke (her boyfriend at the time) came to the party. Buke was flirting with Liu the entire time.
1999-2000:
This was perhaps the craziest party night of them all. Liu and I were seniors in college and decided to welcome the new millennium in style. We started with jello-shots and cocaine in her dorm room. Her brother and his friend Chris were in town visiting. They poured themselves big bottles of jack and coke for the road and we all headed downtown, on the fringe of the crowds at Times Square and then to a club on 14th Street. All of us got insanely fucked up, as ecstasy was added to the mix (and so was our slightly crazy friend "E-the-R". In fact, I think that was the night E-the-R grabbed my arm violently and called me a whore. He was nuts.) My hair was dyed black then and I had purple contact lenses. Strange... Anyway, the night turned into an orgy of sorts. We were all fucked up beyond belief. I called B at midnight from a payphone near the coat-check in the club and he proposed to me on the phone. (It was the first year we were dating). I accepted, but he took it back the next day. Anyway, a lot more could be said about that night, but I'll leave it at that...
1998-1999:
This New Year's came at the height of my personal insanity. It was the month I was arrested. BigSis, Bro-in-Law and a bunch of their friends joined me for a party at AIR7's place. I wrote all about that incredibly fucked up night already. You can read about it here.
1997-1998:
This was my sophomore year of college. I went to see The Barber of Seville at the Met with my friend BahBoy. I remember I had a ton of blue glitter on my eyes. It was bitterly cold out. Afterwards we met up with my friend Nicole and her roommate who were students at NYU. We made our way down to Times Square after the crowds had cleared, and ate overpriced, lousy food at Howard Johnson's.
So... that's the last ten. This year I'm going to Pixie's anniversary watch and then afterwards to a party on the Upper East Side. I hope it's fun!
Happy New Year everyone!!!!
love,
h
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Footprints
I've been in a strange space in my head all day today. I went to see Hansel & Gretel with my mom this afternoon. It was a decidedly strange production-- part realistic, part expressionist and part Dada-absurdist.
On the drive home, she brought up something from the past that I have a huge resentment about and it sent me into a downward spiral. I thought I had come to terms with most of that, but for some reason I was raw and angry today. So, I came back up to my apartment, shut off my cell phone for several hours, scowled and watched Eastern Promises.
Later on in the evening, I met up with NDN and his friends K & J who are in town, visiting from the UK. K is NDN's "oldest friend." We ate dinner at Lasagna and then headed over to FuBar for a game of pool. I haven't been in that bar since my drinking days. We all pretty much sucked at pool and there was a group of asshole boys waiting to take the table from us, so we quit after one game. After hanging out there for a while longer, we all headed back to my place.
K loves Broadway and likes to sing (which NDN neglected to mention!) but once we discovered that we shared that interest, we sang a few numbers. It was fun, but she and J were exhausted from their travels and NDN's allergy to Mr. Rochester was acting up, so the three of them went back to his place at about 1:30. I, however, was just getting started.
Maybe it was being out at the bar, or maybe it was just that cursed 1:00 AM "Second Wind" that seems to come without fail. But in any case, it awoke something old in me-- the nocturnal Hyde who never knows when to call it quits. The girl for whom "enough" is never enough!
I had to get out of the house.
So... I stopped over at Cheers.
It was strange-- I haven't had a drink for a year and nearly 8 months, and yet, I walked into the bar and was greeted with hugs and smiles by several people-- the RedFacedLawyer, Manwich, BarMan and strangely-- a random girl-- WelcomeToTheJungle-- some girl who I met at the bar and had come to my birthday party in 2005. I gossiped with BarMan a little bit and told him that Anxious and BulgarianGuy had gotten hitched. He was stunned that he had to hear the news from me.
Before I left, BarMan and I had another conversation that left me feeling strange-- kind of bad, kind of nostalgic, kind of like a ghost, kind of guilty, but mostly just strange.
"Do you know Sherri, the new bartender?" he asked.
"Um... no."
"That's right, I guess you wouldn't!" he laughed. "You don't even really know Dawn all that well, do you?"
"No... I mean, I know her, but I don't know know her."
"I'm telling you, Hyde," he went on, "it's just not the same around here without you. Seriously-- we had to change the way we order Jack after you stopped coming here."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Our Jack Daniels order! You used to go through at least four bottles a week-- just you and just on the Jack! We don't order as much now."
"Are you serious?"
My stomach flipped a little bit.
"Dead serious! I tell the new girls stories about you all the time."
"You do?"
"I tell them that they've never seen anything like it. They always say that there's no way that you could have been worse than FightingMensch, but I tell them that they're wrong-- that you were! That you could drink him under the table."
"BarMan!"
Now I was just embarrassed.
"No, I didn't mean that in a bad way, Hyde! I just meant that you should be proud!"
"Be proud? That you're telling stories about how much I was a drunk?"
"How much you could drink! You should be proud."
"I think I should be proud that I stopped drinking-- especially given that I was drinking that much."
"Yeah, well that too, of course!"
Now I think he was embarrassed.
"I didn't mean it like that, Hyde-- only that it was legendary-- that's all."
"Yeah, it's okay," I said. "But I've got to be going now anyway. Say hi to ThursdayGirl for me."
And I left.
But I still didn't want to go home.
So, I headed downtown to Marie's Crisis.
On the way there, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. Was "Hyde" really back to her old ways? I just had to tell someone what BarMan had said to me and it was too late to call anyone I know. It turns out that my cabdriver has never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life!! And he was very encouraging about my sobriety. By the time we arrived, he was telling me to stay away from alcoholic boyfriends and wishing me many blessings for the New Year.
I was a "girl in black," pale with red lipstick. And I sat in the corner with my diet coke and scowled at the crowd, brooding because the pianist was on break and I had nothing else to do with myself. Some woman approached me after about fifteen minutes.
"Are you okay, miss?" she asked.
"Um, yeah. I'm fine."
I tried to muster a smile. She looked as if she felt awkward for having intruded like that.
"But thanks for asking!" I added.
Something is fucked up about that-- I'm sitting there sober and people are asking me if I'm okay?
Anyway, the pianist came back on, I sang a slew of songs, it picked up my mood, and I blew everyone away with Summertime again.
At the end of the night (nearly 4:00 AM), some brash, nasal singer from Australia kept wanting my attention. He told me that he's starred in the Sydney productions of Phantom and Les Mis and couldn't believe that I'm not singing professionally or performing anywhere. He asked where I trained.
"Um... nowhere," I stammered. "I mean, I take lessons, but I didn't go to conservatory or anything."
"You have to audition," he said. "Believe me-- I know what's out there. The room stopped when you sang. You have it. You have IT."
I loved that he was praising me like that, but I don't know why I always get so timid and modest and try to pretend that I have less training or knowledge than I do. I don't know why I put myself into that subordinate role. I don't know why I don't ever take a risk and try to do something with my singing. I don't know why going to Marie's and singing for the drunks at 4:00 AM is all the risk I'm willing to take-- especially when it feels good to feed on the praise.
I just felt strange again. I finished the night feeling strange. I guess I just don't have an accurate read on how people perceive me. BarMan surprised me. The woman who asked if I were okay surprised me. The Australian "Phantom" surprised me.
Back in my neighborhood, all the bars were closed. But "enough" still wasn't enough for this girl. I thought about how hellish it used to be when the bars would close and I wasn't done for the night-- how I would be dying to see Narc, just to keep it going, or how I would invite strange men back to my place to do coke JUST to keep it going, or how if I were desperate, I would go to the 24-hour deli for wine or use whatever I had stocked in my place to drink until my head hit the floor and I didn't have to face "trying to fall asleep."
Tonight, I couldn't do any of those things. So, I chain-smoked a few cigarettes (while fully aware that they damage the very voice that carried me through the night), walked about ten blocks South of my place and then swung across the street and walked back up. I passed the new bar that PumpedUp opened and they were closing up, but I saw the old Bouncer through the window and he waved at me and mouthed "Happy New Year."
Eventually, I had to come home. I found myself wishing for the thing to knock myself out. I still don't want to end the night. Who is this girl and how did she suddenly reappear? I have a disease and maybe I shouldn't play with it this way. They say it is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I thought about taking a Lunesta, or taking two. But I think I have to deny myself even the one-- that's not what I have them for. I am not allowed to knock myself out because I'm uncomfortable. Who do I think I am? How fucking strong do I think I am that I can walk through the footprints of my past and come away unscathed. Maybe it worked this time, but how do I know that this is something I can do?
I don't know anything anymore.
I'm scared of Narc moving away. I'm scared of how it will feel. I'm scared of the emptiness, the loss, the ending. I'm scared of knowing that he's not somewhere downtown, a few miles away-- drinking or playing a video game or napping or contemplating his naval.
I'm scared.
What BarMan said really bothered me. Maybe it bothered me because I miss the girl who could drink like that. Maybe I'm jealous of her. Maybe I hate her. I just wish I felt grounded in this new self.
I want to be grounded in this new self.
I'm babbling now. And it's nearly 5:00 AM. I think it's time to go face the torment of my pillowcase. I don't want to be awake when the sun starts flashing against the Chrysler building. There's nothing worse than the morning.
Good night.
love,
h
On the drive home, she brought up something from the past that I have a huge resentment about and it sent me into a downward spiral. I thought I had come to terms with most of that, but for some reason I was raw and angry today. So, I came back up to my apartment, shut off my cell phone for several hours, scowled and watched Eastern Promises.
Later on in the evening, I met up with NDN and his friends K & J who are in town, visiting from the UK. K is NDN's "oldest friend." We ate dinner at Lasagna and then headed over to FuBar for a game of pool. I haven't been in that bar since my drinking days. We all pretty much sucked at pool and there was a group of asshole boys waiting to take the table from us, so we quit after one game. After hanging out there for a while longer, we all headed back to my place.
K loves Broadway and likes to sing (which NDN neglected to mention!) but once we discovered that we shared that interest, we sang a few numbers. It was fun, but she and J were exhausted from their travels and NDN's allergy to Mr. Rochester was acting up, so the three of them went back to his place at about 1:30. I, however, was just getting started.
Maybe it was being out at the bar, or maybe it was just that cursed 1:00 AM "Second Wind" that seems to come without fail. But in any case, it awoke something old in me-- the nocturnal Hyde who never knows when to call it quits. The girl for whom "enough" is never enough!
I had to get out of the house.
So... I stopped over at Cheers.
It was strange-- I haven't had a drink for a year and nearly 8 months, and yet, I walked into the bar and was greeted with hugs and smiles by several people-- the RedFacedLawyer, Manwich, BarMan and strangely-- a random girl-- WelcomeToTheJungle-- some girl who I met at the bar and had come to my birthday party in 2005. I gossiped with BarMan a little bit and told him that Anxious and BulgarianGuy had gotten hitched. He was stunned that he had to hear the news from me.
Before I left, BarMan and I had another conversation that left me feeling strange-- kind of bad, kind of nostalgic, kind of like a ghost, kind of guilty, but mostly just strange.
"Do you know Sherri, the new bartender?" he asked.
"Um... no."
"That's right, I guess you wouldn't!" he laughed. "You don't even really know Dawn all that well, do you?"
"No... I mean, I know her, but I don't know know her."
"I'm telling you, Hyde," he went on, "it's just not the same around here without you. Seriously-- we had to change the way we order Jack after you stopped coming here."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Our Jack Daniels order! You used to go through at least four bottles a week-- just you and just on the Jack! We don't order as much now."
"Are you serious?"
My stomach flipped a little bit.
"Dead serious! I tell the new girls stories about you all the time."
"You do?"
"I tell them that they've never seen anything like it. They always say that there's no way that you could have been worse than FightingMensch, but I tell them that they're wrong-- that you were! That you could drink him under the table."
"BarMan!"
Now I was just embarrassed.
"No, I didn't mean that in a bad way, Hyde! I just meant that you should be proud!"
"Be proud? That you're telling stories about how much I was a drunk?"
"How much you could drink! You should be proud."
"I think I should be proud that I stopped drinking-- especially given that I was drinking that much."
"Yeah, well that too, of course!"
Now I think he was embarrassed.
"I didn't mean it like that, Hyde-- only that it was legendary-- that's all."
"Yeah, it's okay," I said. "But I've got to be going now anyway. Say hi to ThursdayGirl for me."
And I left.
But I still didn't want to go home.
So, I headed downtown to Marie's Crisis.
On the way there, I struck up a conversation with my cab driver. Was "Hyde" really back to her old ways? I just had to tell someone what BarMan had said to me and it was too late to call anyone I know. It turns out that my cabdriver has never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life!! And he was very encouraging about my sobriety. By the time we arrived, he was telling me to stay away from alcoholic boyfriends and wishing me many blessings for the New Year.
I was a "girl in black," pale with red lipstick. And I sat in the corner with my diet coke and scowled at the crowd, brooding because the pianist was on break and I had nothing else to do with myself. Some woman approached me after about fifteen minutes.
"Are you okay, miss?" she asked.
"Um, yeah. I'm fine."
I tried to muster a smile. She looked as if she felt awkward for having intruded like that.
"But thanks for asking!" I added.
Something is fucked up about that-- I'm sitting there sober and people are asking me if I'm okay?
Anyway, the pianist came back on, I sang a slew of songs, it picked up my mood, and I blew everyone away with Summertime again.
At the end of the night (nearly 4:00 AM), some brash, nasal singer from Australia kept wanting my attention. He told me that he's starred in the Sydney productions of Phantom and Les Mis and couldn't believe that I'm not singing professionally or performing anywhere. He asked where I trained.
"Um... nowhere," I stammered. "I mean, I take lessons, but I didn't go to conservatory or anything."
"You have to audition," he said. "Believe me-- I know what's out there. The room stopped when you sang. You have it. You have IT."
I loved that he was praising me like that, but I don't know why I always get so timid and modest and try to pretend that I have less training or knowledge than I do. I don't know why I put myself into that subordinate role. I don't know why I don't ever take a risk and try to do something with my singing. I don't know why going to Marie's and singing for the drunks at 4:00 AM is all the risk I'm willing to take-- especially when it feels good to feed on the praise.
I just felt strange again. I finished the night feeling strange. I guess I just don't have an accurate read on how people perceive me. BarMan surprised me. The woman who asked if I were okay surprised me. The Australian "Phantom" surprised me.
Back in my neighborhood, all the bars were closed. But "enough" still wasn't enough for this girl. I thought about how hellish it used to be when the bars would close and I wasn't done for the night-- how I would be dying to see Narc, just to keep it going, or how I would invite strange men back to my place to do coke JUST to keep it going, or how if I were desperate, I would go to the 24-hour deli for wine or use whatever I had stocked in my place to drink until my head hit the floor and I didn't have to face "trying to fall asleep."
Tonight, I couldn't do any of those things. So, I chain-smoked a few cigarettes (while fully aware that they damage the very voice that carried me through the night), walked about ten blocks South of my place and then swung across the street and walked back up. I passed the new bar that PumpedUp opened and they were closing up, but I saw the old Bouncer through the window and he waved at me and mouthed "Happy New Year."
Eventually, I had to come home. I found myself wishing for the thing to knock myself out. I still don't want to end the night. Who is this girl and how did she suddenly reappear? I have a disease and maybe I shouldn't play with it this way. They say it is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I thought about taking a Lunesta, or taking two. But I think I have to deny myself even the one-- that's not what I have them for. I am not allowed to knock myself out because I'm uncomfortable. Who do I think I am? How fucking strong do I think I am that I can walk through the footprints of my past and come away unscathed. Maybe it worked this time, but how do I know that this is something I can do?
I don't know anything anymore.
I'm scared of Narc moving away. I'm scared of how it will feel. I'm scared of the emptiness, the loss, the ending. I'm scared of knowing that he's not somewhere downtown, a few miles away-- drinking or playing a video game or napping or contemplating his naval.
I'm scared.
What BarMan said really bothered me. Maybe it bothered me because I miss the girl who could drink like that. Maybe I'm jealous of her. Maybe I hate her. I just wish I felt grounded in this new self.
I want to be grounded in this new self.
I'm babbling now. And it's nearly 5:00 AM. I think it's time to go face the torment of my pillowcase. I don't want to be awake when the sun starts flashing against the Chrysler building. There's nothing worse than the morning.
Good night.
love,
h
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Isang Isip
Ich bin von Kopf bis Fuß auf Liebe eingestellt...
Denn das ist meine Welt – und sonst gar nichts.
Das ist, was soll ich machen, meine Natur.
Ich kann halt lieben nur – und sonst gar nichts.
I am in the final stretch with my grades. They're due at midnight, but I find myself needing to blog. So, I'll have to make it quick. Sort of stressful given how much I have to say...
My heart is brimming right now. I think that's the only way to describe it... brimming! B and I used to have a term for that feeling. He called it "isang isip" which means "one thought" in Tagalog. It's the most amazing feeling. It is bliss. I am completely and utterly present; completely and utterly content; completely and utterly peaceful and happy and at home in the word. I know that these moments don't last, but I don't care. Today has already been an eternity for me because I am living in a state of beatitude. I don't know how to better describe it than that. My heart is practically aching. And I don't even care that I had to spend the day under a mountain of paperwork.
What am I aching with? What am I brimming with? What else? Narc, of course. And I'm not even really sure why.
We spent the day together yesterday. I got back to the city at around 8:00 PM on Christmas night and called him because I thought he might be lonely. When I didn't hear back from him, I went to bed around 1:00 AM. He finally did call back-- at about 6:00 AM. He wanted to come up here, offering up some lame excuse about how he couldn't get to sleep at his place because "the dishwasher was running and it was making too much noise." He was definitely tipsy. Since I was dying for him to come see my tree and because it didn't require me traveling out into the cold night, I agreed. It was still dark out when he arrived, closer to 7:00 AM, but the sky had the first tinges of morning-blue.
He kissed me as soon as I answered the door and I wanted to melt. Our energies were just in sync. It was a perfect Christmas gift. Of course, I showed him the tree. He inhaled the pine and told me it was beautiful and kissed me again. I was happy. It was bliss. He told me that he loves me over and over. (Okay-- I know it was the wine talking, but I didn't care and I still don't.) We crawled into my bed, I loved him, and eventually we fell asleep.
The next morning, we woke up at around noon and we had some more sex, but then I let him sleep in some more until nearly 4:00 PM. I ordered in lunch and got him a sandwich, although it was probably a little soggy by the time he woke up. Then I just graded papers for a few hours before he finally joined me in the living room. Night was falling. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior was on TV. Narc told me that he had met Dan Millman when he was in Costa Rica a few years back.
He got dressed and I buried my face in his chest on the couch. His shirt smelled like cigarettes and faded cologne and for some reason, I wanted to inhale it until I drowned. That was a perfect moment for me. I just love him. I just do.
At 4:30 I had to leave for my voice lesson. He said he would wait for me to get back. The lesson wiped me out. I hadn't sung for two weeks and my stomach muscles were aching-- especially from the Wagner. I felt good at my lesson, though. I was wearing a new red hoodie and liked the way it made my cheeks look flushed when I looked in the mirror. I was happy.
When I got back home, Narc was in the shower. I knocked on the door.
"Come in with me!" he called.
So, I did.
When we got out, I was shivering, so I crawled back into bed.
"Why don't we go somewhere to get dinner," he suggested.
"Okay. But where?"
He suggested a Japanese place in his neighborhood. I agreed.
Before we left, NDN stopped by my apartment. He hasn't seen Narc in forever, so I think his curiosity was satisfied.
It was raining out when we left the house-- a half frozen rain. Narc paid for the cab downtown and took us to a place called Megu.
It was not what I was expecting. The place was outright swanky (as you can see from the pic) and the food was expensive-- he ordered us the $125 prix fix dinner. From the entrance we had to walk up a very modern staircase lit with candles (to the beat of throbbing lounge music) before we were seated by a beautiful and impeccably manicured hostess. She placed us next to the giant carved-ice Buddha sitting atop a pond filled with red rose petals.
Narc had met the sommelier at a bar in the neighborhood a week or so earlier, so he came over to the table to greet us. The food was absolutely incredible. I can't remember everything that was served to us (as the dinner was five or six courses, and it was a tasting menu), but it included edamame with sea salt, red snapper salad, some kind of rock shrimp with a mysterious red spice, oysters, eel with something on top of it, foie gras, sushi, the most tender and velvety sashimi ever, a main course of kobe beef flambé, some kind of banana creme pastry thing for dessert... I'm sure I'm forgetting half of it right now, but the bottom line is that it was AMAZING. There was even someone to periodically come by the table and freshly grate our wasabi for us.
And I was even more in love with him while we were eating dinner. I was just grateful to be with him at that moment. In any case, we talked about a million and one things (lovers who have trouble saying "I love you"). Narc told me that he's not talking to Laurie anymore because he "wanted to clear that type of woman out of his life."
"But I thought she was your 'best friend'," I said.
"She was fun to hang out with for a while, but in the end, it's all the same-- she always wants me to pay for everything, she always just wants to whine about her affair with her married boss, and she ignores me half the time we're out."
I have a feeling that half of that story was omitted, but whatever... I really don't care.
Later, I told him that I am sad that he is moving. (I am. But I'm also incredibly relieved about it. It's the only way I can see my way out of this thing). I told him that I'm going to miss him.
"I'll be back to visit," he said.
"Will you really?"
"Yeah. And at some point, I'll keep a place on both coasts!"
"But by that time, we'll both be in a different life-moment," I said.
"That's true. You'll be a 'Dr.', married to some fabulous operatic bass singer with two kids."
"Maybe... And you?"
"I don't know," he said. "I just want to get my career kicked off and surround myself with film people right now. The next girl I date will have to be in the industry. Maybe I'll be like Cameron and marry my producer."
"Maybe."
In love; in love; in love... I was bursting at the seams, but couldn't say it to him.
James called before the meal was through and said his plane had just landed. He was in from Texas where he had gone to spend Christmas with his kids. Narc told him he was at Megu with me.
"It'll make him crazy jealous," he said.
Narc's plan is to move to LA with James and three other guys. They're all going to "break into the industry" out there. He told me that he and James have agreed that starting January 1st they're both going to lay off drugs and alcohol and just get into shape because they "have to" if they're going to make it on the West Coast. We'll see... James' mom told him she thinks he needs to go to rehab.
Anyway, back at his place, we had lots of sex (and then more on the floor), cuddled under a cover on his living room couch, watched King Ralph-- a god-awful movie with one funny part, watched a few episodes of Extras and when the memory of our meal had faded, we ate two pretzel rods which I had with me. (I'm obsessed with pretzel rods these days!) Narc told me a strange story about how he had picked up someone's cell phone while at Bar and Books and when its owner came to retrieve it, she recognized him from the bar.
"Don't you know Hyde?" she asked.
Who was it? None other than the Scorpion! Strange...
Anyway, we headed to bed around 2:30 AM. I burrowed down into him. I was still in "isangisip." We had sex again and all I could think about the whole time was looking at him across the table from me in the restaurant and how much I loved him at that moment in the restaurant and how grateful I was to be with him. I wanted to melt into him forever and ever.
This morning, we lolled in bed for a little while, but I really didn't have the luxury. I had to get home and start grading. So, I kissed him goodbye, the last kiss of 2007. He and James are headed to Canyon Ranch in Massachusetts for New Years. (James keeps referring to it as "Cougar Ranch." That kind of sums him up.) They're leaving tomorrow and coming back on January 2nd.
And so, I've carried something with me (in me) all day today and I'm not quite sure what it is. But whatever it is, I love it. And I love him.
Maybe I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. But, I really am starting to believe that he's moving to LA on "March 1st" as he keeps saying, and with that, I've decided to stop struggling. It's like the ending of a favorite book. I know I only have a few chapters left, and I don't want it to end, but at the same time, you can't read a book forever. At some point, it's time to put it down and look back on its pages with love and in memory.
I don't know... I am obsessed with my red sweater and since it's from the Gap, I think I'm going to go get one in another color tomorrow morning.
I really have to get back to grading now. Two hours til the grades are due! I'm racing against the clock.
love,
h
I am designed for love from head to toe,
That is my world - and nothing else.
That is, what can I do, my nature.
I can only love - and nothing else.
Denn das ist meine Welt – und sonst gar nichts.
Das ist, was soll ich machen, meine Natur.
Ich kann halt lieben nur – und sonst gar nichts.
I am in the final stretch with my grades. They're due at midnight, but I find myself needing to blog. So, I'll have to make it quick. Sort of stressful given how much I have to say...
My heart is brimming right now. I think that's the only way to describe it... brimming! B and I used to have a term for that feeling. He called it "isang isip" which means "one thought" in Tagalog. It's the most amazing feeling. It is bliss. I am completely and utterly present; completely and utterly content; completely and utterly peaceful and happy and at home in the word. I know that these moments don't last, but I don't care. Today has already been an eternity for me because I am living in a state of beatitude. I don't know how to better describe it than that. My heart is practically aching. And I don't even care that I had to spend the day under a mountain of paperwork.
What am I aching with? What am I brimming with? What else? Narc, of course. And I'm not even really sure why.
We spent the day together yesterday. I got back to the city at around 8:00 PM on Christmas night and called him because I thought he might be lonely. When I didn't hear back from him, I went to bed around 1:00 AM. He finally did call back-- at about 6:00 AM. He wanted to come up here, offering up some lame excuse about how he couldn't get to sleep at his place because "the dishwasher was running and it was making too much noise." He was definitely tipsy. Since I was dying for him to come see my tree and because it didn't require me traveling out into the cold night, I agreed. It was still dark out when he arrived, closer to 7:00 AM, but the sky had the first tinges of morning-blue.
He kissed me as soon as I answered the door and I wanted to melt. Our energies were just in sync. It was a perfect Christmas gift. Of course, I showed him the tree. He inhaled the pine and told me it was beautiful and kissed me again. I was happy. It was bliss. He told me that he loves me over and over. (Okay-- I know it was the wine talking, but I didn't care and I still don't.) We crawled into my bed, I loved him, and eventually we fell asleep.
The next morning, we woke up at around noon and we had some more sex, but then I let him sleep in some more until nearly 4:00 PM. I ordered in lunch and got him a sandwich, although it was probably a little soggy by the time he woke up. Then I just graded papers for a few hours before he finally joined me in the living room. Night was falling. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior was on TV. Narc told me that he had met Dan Millman when he was in Costa Rica a few years back.
He got dressed and I buried my face in his chest on the couch. His shirt smelled like cigarettes and faded cologne and for some reason, I wanted to inhale it until I drowned. That was a perfect moment for me. I just love him. I just do.
At 4:30 I had to leave for my voice lesson. He said he would wait for me to get back. The lesson wiped me out. I hadn't sung for two weeks and my stomach muscles were aching-- especially from the Wagner. I felt good at my lesson, though. I was wearing a new red hoodie and liked the way it made my cheeks look flushed when I looked in the mirror. I was happy.
When I got back home, Narc was in the shower. I knocked on the door.
"Come in with me!" he called.
So, I did.
When we got out, I was shivering, so I crawled back into bed.
"Why don't we go somewhere to get dinner," he suggested.
"Okay. But where?"
He suggested a Japanese place in his neighborhood. I agreed.
Before we left, NDN stopped by my apartment. He hasn't seen Narc in forever, so I think his curiosity was satisfied.
It was raining out when we left the house-- a half frozen rain. Narc paid for the cab downtown and took us to a place called Megu.
It was not what I was expecting. The place was outright swanky (as you can see from the pic) and the food was expensive-- he ordered us the $125 prix fix dinner. From the entrance we had to walk up a very modern staircase lit with candles (to the beat of throbbing lounge music) before we were seated by a beautiful and impeccably manicured hostess. She placed us next to the giant carved-ice Buddha sitting atop a pond filled with red rose petals.Narc had met the sommelier at a bar in the neighborhood a week or so earlier, so he came over to the table to greet us. The food was absolutely incredible. I can't remember everything that was served to us (as the dinner was five or six courses, and it was a tasting menu), but it included edamame with sea salt, red snapper salad, some kind of rock shrimp with a mysterious red spice, oysters, eel with something on top of it, foie gras, sushi, the most tender and velvety sashimi ever, a main course of kobe beef flambé, some kind of banana creme pastry thing for dessert... I'm sure I'm forgetting half of it right now, but the bottom line is that it was AMAZING. There was even someone to periodically come by the table and freshly grate our wasabi for us.
And I was even more in love with him while we were eating dinner. I was just grateful to be with him at that moment. In any case, we talked about a million and one things (lovers who have trouble saying "I love you"). Narc told me that he's not talking to Laurie anymore because he "wanted to clear that type of woman out of his life."
"But I thought she was your 'best friend'," I said.
"She was fun to hang out with for a while, but in the end, it's all the same-- she always wants me to pay for everything, she always just wants to whine about her affair with her married boss, and she ignores me half the time we're out."
I have a feeling that half of that story was omitted, but whatever... I really don't care.
Later, I told him that I am sad that he is moving. (I am. But I'm also incredibly relieved about it. It's the only way I can see my way out of this thing). I told him that I'm going to miss him.
"I'll be back to visit," he said.
"Will you really?"
"Yeah. And at some point, I'll keep a place on both coasts!"
"But by that time, we'll both be in a different life-moment," I said.
"That's true. You'll be a 'Dr.', married to some fabulous operatic bass singer with two kids."
"Maybe... And you?"
"I don't know," he said. "I just want to get my career kicked off and surround myself with film people right now. The next girl I date will have to be in the industry. Maybe I'll be like Cameron and marry my producer."
"Maybe."
In love; in love; in love... I was bursting at the seams, but couldn't say it to him.
James called before the meal was through and said his plane had just landed. He was in from Texas where he had gone to spend Christmas with his kids. Narc told him he was at Megu with me.
"It'll make him crazy jealous," he said.
Narc's plan is to move to LA with James and three other guys. They're all going to "break into the industry" out there. He told me that he and James have agreed that starting January 1st they're both going to lay off drugs and alcohol and just get into shape because they "have to" if they're going to make it on the West Coast. We'll see... James' mom told him she thinks he needs to go to rehab.
Anyway, back at his place, we had lots of sex (and then more on the floor), cuddled under a cover on his living room couch, watched King Ralph-- a god-awful movie with one funny part, watched a few episodes of Extras and when the memory of our meal had faded, we ate two pretzel rods which I had with me. (I'm obsessed with pretzel rods these days!) Narc told me a strange story about how he had picked up someone's cell phone while at Bar and Books and when its owner came to retrieve it, she recognized him from the bar.
"Don't you know Hyde?" she asked.
Who was it? None other than the Scorpion! Strange...
Anyway, we headed to bed around 2:30 AM. I burrowed down into him. I was still in "isangisip." We had sex again and all I could think about the whole time was looking at him across the table from me in the restaurant and how much I loved him at that moment in the restaurant and how grateful I was to be with him. I wanted to melt into him forever and ever.
This morning, we lolled in bed for a little while, but I really didn't have the luxury. I had to get home and start grading. So, I kissed him goodbye, the last kiss of 2007. He and James are headed to Canyon Ranch in Massachusetts for New Years. (James keeps referring to it as "Cougar Ranch." That kind of sums him up.) They're leaving tomorrow and coming back on January 2nd.
And so, I've carried something with me (in me) all day today and I'm not quite sure what it is. But whatever it is, I love it. And I love him.
Maybe I sound crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. But, I really am starting to believe that he's moving to LA on "March 1st" as he keeps saying, and with that, I've decided to stop struggling. It's like the ending of a favorite book. I know I only have a few chapters left, and I don't want it to end, but at the same time, you can't read a book forever. At some point, it's time to put it down and look back on its pages with love and in memory.
I don't know... I am obsessed with my red sweater and since it's from the Gap, I think I'm going to go get one in another color tomorrow morning.
I really have to get back to grading now. Two hours til the grades are due! I'm racing against the clock.
love,
h
I am designed for love from head to toe,
That is my world - and nothing else.
That is, what can I do, my nature.
I can only love - and nothing else.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Old Angst (on Facebook)
Facebook is a strange thing. People from your past can find you so easily. In a way, it was nicer before all of this internet stuff-- people would disappear and stay disappeared and where they went and whatever lingering feelings they left behind could be part of life's memories and mysteries.
In any case, I just got a facebook email from a girl I went to college with. I was never particularly friends with her. I knew her from choir. It was a strange letter-- one that dragged up all that old stuff about ChoirMan-- stuff I don't want to think about right now... stuff that is uneasy (and definitely not for Christmas!).
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Hyde --
I've actually wondered now and again what you ended up doing. You were the person whose voice I always listened for to make sure I was singing right! I hope life has treated you well. My life is insanely busy but good -- I teach HS in San Francisco and we have 4 kids, so good things.
I wanted to say, I look back on that last year in college and question my judgement on some occasions, so if any bad decisions I made were hurtful to you I am really truly sorry.
Anyway, are you in touch with anyone? I see Contessa and KSing, that's really cool. There's one woman in our community who gets season tickets to the SF opera and likes to take me once a year, so I just saw Macbeth (maybe that's why I was thinking choir?), that was fun.
Hope all is well,
ND
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of shocked that she thinks she was hurtful to me. That one moment of life for which she was around was such a small piece of that drama. But then again, what do I know? That part of my life is so much a blur that it's hard to keep straight exactly what did happen.
Anyway, Christmas was nice and I love my family. Perhaps I'll write more about that tomorrow. Tonight I want to take my feelings and my cat and snuggle somewhere and be cozy.
Merry Christmas to you all!
love,
h
In any case, I just got a facebook email from a girl I went to college with. I was never particularly friends with her. I knew her from choir. It was a strange letter-- one that dragged up all that old stuff about ChoirMan-- stuff I don't want to think about right now... stuff that is uneasy (and definitely not for Christmas!).
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Hyde --
I've actually wondered now and again what you ended up doing. You were the person whose voice I always listened for to make sure I was singing right! I hope life has treated you well. My life is insanely busy but good -- I teach HS in San Francisco and we have 4 kids, so good things.
I wanted to say, I look back on that last year in college and question my judgement on some occasions, so if any bad decisions I made were hurtful to you I am really truly sorry.
Anyway, are you in touch with anyone? I see Contessa and KSing, that's really cool. There's one woman in our community who gets season tickets to the SF opera and likes to take me once a year, so I just saw Macbeth (maybe that's why I was thinking choir?), that was fun.
Hope all is well,
ND
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of shocked that she thinks she was hurtful to me. That one moment of life for which she was around was such a small piece of that drama. But then again, what do I know? That part of my life is so much a blur that it's hard to keep straight exactly what did happen.
Anyway, Christmas was nice and I love my family. Perhaps I'll write more about that tomorrow. Tonight I want to take my feelings and my cat and snuggle somewhere and be cozy.
Merry Christmas to you all!
love,
h
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas Eve!
Things have been absolutely insane around here-- insanely busy, that is. So much so, that I still don't have time to write a proper post.
Friday I spent five hours in the library followed by some Christmas shopping and dinner with Anxious. She announced that she and BulgarianGuy ran off and got married at City Hall last week!! WTF?!?
On Saturday, I worked some more, had some IM contact with Narc, hung out a little with NDN and then headed off for Long Island where LilSis and JBC were throwing a party. I didn't get back to the city until around 1:00 AM, but I went down to see Narc-- the first time in about a week and a half.
On Sunday I wasted too much time with him before leaving when James came over, tried to get some grading done, did my last minute Christmas shopping and went to AA.
Today I have a million things to do before heading out to Long Island this afternoon (writing cards for the doormen, getting all the presents together, showering, packing, grading a little if I can).
So, I'll be back with a more thorough update on all of it as soon as I can. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!
love,
h
Friday I spent five hours in the library followed by some Christmas shopping and dinner with Anxious. She announced that she and BulgarianGuy ran off and got married at City Hall last week!! WTF?!?
On Saturday, I worked some more, had some IM contact with Narc, hung out a little with NDN and then headed off for Long Island where LilSis and JBC were throwing a party. I didn't get back to the city until around 1:00 AM, but I went down to see Narc-- the first time in about a week and a half.
On Sunday I wasted too much time with him before leaving when James came over, tried to get some grading done, did my last minute Christmas shopping and went to AA.
Today I have a million things to do before heading out to Long Island this afternoon (writing cards for the doormen, getting all the presents together, showering, packing, grading a little if I can).
So, I'll be back with a more thorough update on all of it as soon as I can. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!
love,
h
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me!! (Again!!)
Guess what? My blog is three years old today!I don't have time to write a whole year in review post (as I'm racing off to Long Island for a party). So... I thought I'd repost what I posted up here three years ago:
La la la!!!
On one hour of sleep...
On one hour of sleep concentration evades me. I'm still wearing my earrings and shoes from last night. When I look in the mirror right now I look haggard--like my "September Song" painting. Maybe it's not healthy to stare in the mirror for so long. It makes me sad...anxious about what happened last night.
On one hour of sleep I'm too tired to tell the story again.
Then I remember B's advice about showers--the rememdy to all things with no short term remedy. OLTL is on Soapnet. I don't have the strength to follow...I've missed too many episodes lately and it requires some mental agility to catch up. Pathetic, considering I should be writing some lofty paper, or at least grading some exams...
Maybe later. Now for the shower...
THANK GOD THINGS HAVE CHANGED!!!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Afternoon Obsessions
Oh, man! My back is hurting! I've been sitting in the same library chair for five hours. I think I'm done for the day. I'm supposed to meet Anxious soon, anyway, to do a little Christmas shopping.
Narc still isn't talking to me. (Nothing in over a week now).
I am obsessed with my MAC lustreglass in "Venetian." (Shade description: Maraschino pink with pearl). It's a little more than fabulous.
I was also obsessed all afternoon with a rap video by the German rapper "Fler." It's nationalist and kind of creepy, but I can't get the song out of my head now. (I also sort of find it wildly amusing.)
Um... Well, that's about it for now. I hope I can get my whole Christmas list done by the end of the day. I despise Christmas shopping... despise it!!! I think I need another coat of lip gloss.
love,
h
Narc still isn't talking to me. (Nothing in over a week now).
I am obsessed with my MAC lustreglass in "Venetian." (Shade description: Maraschino pink with pearl). It's a little more than fabulous.I was also obsessed all afternoon with a rap video by the German rapper "Fler." It's nationalist and kind of creepy, but I can't get the song out of my head now. (I also sort of find it wildly amusing.)
Um... Well, that's about it for now. I hope I can get my whole Christmas list done by the end of the day. I despise Christmas shopping... despise it!!! I think I need another coat of lip gloss.
love,
h
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Hyde acts like Hyde
I'm sitting in my office, eating a hard-boiled egg, about to give the last exam of the semester. I'm still sick, but it's not as bad as yesterday, and even then-- I had to cancel my voice lesson, but other than that, it wasn't debilitating.
Narc is still "not talking to me." "Ignoring" is probably the better word for it. I guess I don't exist anymore. It's been a week now; I don't know why; but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I tried to re-conceptualize myself yesterday and for the most part, it worked! (A minor miracle.)
I dragged my coughing, sneezing, groaning self out of the apartment by 1:00 PM and headed over to the New York Public Library. The books I needed were all in the Jewish division, and I couldn't bring my bags, my coat or my water bottle in there with me, so I was a little frustrated. Once I got going on the research, though, it felt good and I was on a roll. My fellow readers in that quiet (and isolating) room were a strange group. Nearly everyone there stayed for an extended period of time. I read incessantly for a good 4-5 hours before I got library burn-out.
By that time, it was dark out and it was raining-- a point which frustrated me because I had planned to walk to my therapy appointment. Instead, I caught a bus in the bustle of Fifth Avenue that moved slower along its route than a baby could have crawled. I had plenty of time though, so it didn't really matter.
Before therapy, I stopped into the diner for a bowl of soup. I felt strange, having spent the whole day in solitary scholarly pursuits and then dining alone. I kept playing with my cell phone-- texting a few people, calling a few others. But then, a woman came in with her toddler-- a really spunky kid, and I grew interested in observing them. I realized how little I do that anymore-- just observe what's going on around me. I'm always plugged in to my iPod or fiddling with my cell phone-- never fully present. So, I made a little exercise of it-- to stay engaged with my environment. It was kind of interesting.
Therapy was really useful. I'm sad that we are going to have to skip next week because of the holiday. And then, I came home, nose running and completely exhausted. I talked to Brick on the phone for quite some time. (He seems to be fully embracing getting sober. Yay!) And then I called some newcomer women from my own group-- talking to Brick made me remember how important that is. And then I made some hard-boiled eggs and watched Oz on HBO On-Demand. And then I went to bed.
What a "normal" day. What an "appropriate" day. I acted like a graduate student yesterday (for once!) and it felt good. In some ways I felt more like myself than I have in a very, very long time. It was a "Hyde" that needs to be reclaimed. A more true self than this crazy woman who thinks she's "Echo."
So, after I give this exam, I going to head back to the library again and try to put in at least three hours or so. I'm still sick, so I'm not sure what my endurance will be-- my eyes are a little watery and all the reading can get dizzying. Then, it's off to AA tonight, and then?
I guess I'll cap the night by enjoying my Christmas tree. I absolutely love having a tree in my house. Mr. Rochester does too.
love,
h
Narc is still "not talking to me." "Ignoring" is probably the better word for it. I guess I don't exist anymore. It's been a week now; I don't know why; but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I tried to re-conceptualize myself yesterday and for the most part, it worked! (A minor miracle.)
I dragged my coughing, sneezing, groaning self out of the apartment by 1:00 PM and headed over to the New York Public Library. The books I needed were all in the Jewish division, and I couldn't bring my bags, my coat or my water bottle in there with me, so I was a little frustrated. Once I got going on the research, though, it felt good and I was on a roll. My fellow readers in that quiet (and isolating) room were a strange group. Nearly everyone there stayed for an extended period of time. I read incessantly for a good 4-5 hours before I got library burn-out.
By that time, it was dark out and it was raining-- a point which frustrated me because I had planned to walk to my therapy appointment. Instead, I caught a bus in the bustle of Fifth Avenue that moved slower along its route than a baby could have crawled. I had plenty of time though, so it didn't really matter.
Before therapy, I stopped into the diner for a bowl of soup. I felt strange, having spent the whole day in solitary scholarly pursuits and then dining alone. I kept playing with my cell phone-- texting a few people, calling a few others. But then, a woman came in with her toddler-- a really spunky kid, and I grew interested in observing them. I realized how little I do that anymore-- just observe what's going on around me. I'm always plugged in to my iPod or fiddling with my cell phone-- never fully present. So, I made a little exercise of it-- to stay engaged with my environment. It was kind of interesting.
Therapy was really useful. I'm sad that we are going to have to skip next week because of the holiday. And then, I came home, nose running and completely exhausted. I talked to Brick on the phone for quite some time. (He seems to be fully embracing getting sober. Yay!) And then I called some newcomer women from my own group-- talking to Brick made me remember how important that is. And then I made some hard-boiled eggs and watched Oz on HBO On-Demand. And then I went to bed.
What a "normal" day. What an "appropriate" day. I acted like a graduate student yesterday (for once!) and it felt good. In some ways I felt more like myself than I have in a very, very long time. It was a "Hyde" that needs to be reclaimed. A more true self than this crazy woman who thinks she's "Echo."
So, after I give this exam, I going to head back to the library again and try to put in at least three hours or so. I'm still sick, so I'm not sure what my endurance will be-- my eyes are a little watery and all the reading can get dizzying. Then, it's off to AA tonight, and then?
I guess I'll cap the night by enjoying my Christmas tree. I absolutely love having a tree in my house. Mr. Rochester does too.
love,
h
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Hammerphilia
Well, that's it-- I'm full fledged sick. The cold has moved into my throat and chest and I had to cancel my voice lesson this afternoon.
Last night I couldn't sleep. Narc isn't responding to me again. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. But, because I couldn't sleep, I was online for along time and spent quite a while reading Hammer's old blog-- Hammerphilia. I read through the fall of '05 into the winter and spring of '06 and for some reason, it really helped me. Even though I knew everything that happened to her and even though I was super close to her at the time, in some ways, it was all witnessed through the fog of my own drinking and bottoming out and my own drama. Reading back on it now, I really identify with her feelings, and it made me feel stronger about doing what I have to do right now-- go to the library and start to put Narc behind me. I saw her doing just that and facing her own anxiety and loneliness and now she has come out the other end.
In any case, with Narc--I feel that things are coming to an end with him. I'm not sure how or exactly when, but I think that it will be over within six months. I'm just going to have to brace myself to face the anxiety that follows.
Anyway, I've laid in bed for way too long this morning. Even though I'm sick, I need to get out and do some work.
There's a lot on my mind today...
love,
h
Last night I couldn't sleep. Narc isn't responding to me again. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. But, because I couldn't sleep, I was online for along time and spent quite a while reading Hammer's old blog-- Hammerphilia. I read through the fall of '05 into the winter and spring of '06 and for some reason, it really helped me. Even though I knew everything that happened to her and even though I was super close to her at the time, in some ways, it was all witnessed through the fog of my own drinking and bottoming out and my own drama. Reading back on it now, I really identify with her feelings, and it made me feel stronger about doing what I have to do right now-- go to the library and start to put Narc behind me. I saw her doing just that and facing her own anxiety and loneliness and now she has come out the other end.
In any case, with Narc--I feel that things are coming to an end with him. I'm not sure how or exactly when, but I think that it will be over within six months. I'm just going to have to brace myself to face the anxiety that follows.
Anyway, I've laid in bed for way too long this morning. Even though I'm sick, I need to get out and do some work.
There's a lot on my mind today...
love,
h
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Finally...
Finally getting some work done.
Finally feeling a little relief from that cold
Finally heard from N, but am currently being ignored again. (He's depressed).
Finally gave my first final exam.
Finally got some work done on my next paper. Finally!!! That's the most important thing. That's what I have to get back to right now!
love,
h
Finally feeling a little relief from that cold
Finally heard from N, but am currently being ignored again. (He's depressed).
Finally gave my first final exam.
Finally got some work done on my next paper. Finally!!! That's the most important thing. That's what I have to get back to right now!
love,
h
Monday, December 17, 2007
The Unexamined Life
It has been a really strange day. Two absolute strangers asked me why I'm not married. A cab driver sang "Happy Birthday" to me and told me that he would disown his children if they didn't marry Jews. The guy who works in the copy room at my college found it necessary to tell me I'm a "beautiful woman" before filling me in on the problems with his most recent child-support hearing (restraining order and all!). As for me? I'm just feeling kind of run down and dizzy-- the combination of a bad cold and forgetting to eat until 2:00 PM.
My therapist told me to spend more time in the "unexamined life." He thinks I need to spend greater parts of my day doing tasks-- cleaning up, doing paperwork, preparing food, and not analyzing. Something to think about.
Brick called me today. He wants to stop drinking again. I really hope he's okay.
This past weekend was nice. I spent most of Friday cleaning my house. Then I had to go with BigSis to get an MRI. Afterwards, we drank coffee at a cute little cafe we stumbled upon, and then went to see Enchanted. It was a sweet and funny movie. Then I came home and baked into the wee hours of the night-- my (infamous?) sugar cookies and saffron buns and a crown for St. Lucy Day. I was exhausted by the time I got to sleep.
Saturday was party-preparation day. Again, I spent most of it cleaning, running to the supermarket and getting everything in place. It was an absolutely fabulous party and I was overwhelmed with the number of people who care about me and came out to tell me so. There must have been 50 people there at one point, and that's not counting those who came later. Two of my friends from AA gave me a karaoke machine as a gift-- it was a little like having "Cheers" brought to my living room! There was so much food and so many people. It was great. The party shifted gears and moods a few times as different groups of friends came and went. It started at 7:00 and the last stragglers (Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her husband, and a random guy from AA) left at 2:00 AM.
As my great grandmother would say "A good time was had by all."
Cherubino slept over afterwards, and we stayed up chatting until 3:30. Again, I was exhausted by the time I collapsed into bed. But even though I have hordes of friends and even though the evening was full and fun, there was a creeping voice in my head that grew louder the moment I was alone-- What about Narc? It asked. It's the piece of me that never wants to allow me peace or happiness.
On Sunday, Cherubino woke me up when she came into my bedroom to get her shoes. My head was pounding and I felt like shit. It was a weird visceral reminder of daily hangovers. This headache, however, was due to a cold. I spent most of the afternoon napping before I managed to get myself out the AA meeting. I brought boxes and boxes of desserts with me-- all stuff people had arrived with the night before.
And I spent a lot of time on the phone Sunday night. After walking Pixie to her subway, I spoke to Bezoukhoff, then to Shorty, and then to Liu.
And what about Narc?
I think he's "not talking to me." At least for the moment. I texted him "what's up?" on Sunday and he never answered. I don't want to get into it now. It just produces way too much anxiety. Instead, I need to get back to work on my paper. I'm doing my best to take my therapist's advice and live the unexamined life.
love,
h
My therapist told me to spend more time in the "unexamined life." He thinks I need to spend greater parts of my day doing tasks-- cleaning up, doing paperwork, preparing food, and not analyzing. Something to think about.
Brick called me today. He wants to stop drinking again. I really hope he's okay.
This past weekend was nice. I spent most of Friday cleaning my house. Then I had to go with BigSis to get an MRI. Afterwards, we drank coffee at a cute little cafe we stumbled upon, and then went to see Enchanted. It was a sweet and funny movie. Then I came home and baked into the wee hours of the night-- my (infamous?) sugar cookies and saffron buns and a crown for St. Lucy Day. I was exhausted by the time I got to sleep.
Saturday was party-preparation day. Again, I spent most of it cleaning, running to the supermarket and getting everything in place. It was an absolutely fabulous party and I was overwhelmed with the number of people who care about me and came out to tell me so. There must have been 50 people there at one point, and that's not counting those who came later. Two of my friends from AA gave me a karaoke machine as a gift-- it was a little like having "Cheers" brought to my living room! There was so much food and so many people. It was great. The party shifted gears and moods a few times as different groups of friends came and went. It started at 7:00 and the last stragglers (Bezoukhoff, Contessa and her husband, and a random guy from AA) left at 2:00 AM.
As my great grandmother would say "A good time was had by all."
Cherubino slept over afterwards, and we stayed up chatting until 3:30. Again, I was exhausted by the time I collapsed into bed. But even though I have hordes of friends and even though the evening was full and fun, there was a creeping voice in my head that grew louder the moment I was alone-- What about Narc? It asked. It's the piece of me that never wants to allow me peace or happiness.
On Sunday, Cherubino woke me up when she came into my bedroom to get her shoes. My head was pounding and I felt like shit. It was a weird visceral reminder of daily hangovers. This headache, however, was due to a cold. I spent most of the afternoon napping before I managed to get myself out the AA meeting. I brought boxes and boxes of desserts with me-- all stuff people had arrived with the night before.
And I spent a lot of time on the phone Sunday night. After walking Pixie to her subway, I spoke to Bezoukhoff, then to Shorty, and then to Liu.
And what about Narc?
I think he's "not talking to me." At least for the moment. I texted him "what's up?" on Sunday and he never answered. I don't want to get into it now. It just produces way too much anxiety. Instead, I need to get back to work on my paper. I'm doing my best to take my therapist's advice and live the unexamined life.
love,
h
Friday, December 14, 2007
My Brain
Sometimes I hate my brain.
Tonight is my night for La Bohème and baking. I love this tradition, and this year is no different (except for the fact that I killed several packages of yeast by overheating them). But my brain won't leave me alone. It won't let me rest and be mindless. I'm still stuck wondering about that text message from last night. I'm wondering if he will call me... wishing he will... and then wondering why I wish that. I don't wish it.
Tomorrow night I'm going to have tons and tons and tons of people over here-- all people who care about me. Why do I not have that feeling of relief when any of them call? Why am I so hooked on him? Why can't I get over this? I hate it. I hate it, I hate it!! It's like my brain has to dream up ways to make me think that nothing is right, when in fact, everything is alright. Everything is just fine. If I had a different brain, I might even be content... happy... it could be a perfect night.
But I'm me... so, even through the baking and Bohème I can't breathe and my chest is tight over this bullshit.
love,
h
Tonight is my night for La Bohème and baking. I love this tradition, and this year is no different (except for the fact that I killed several packages of yeast by overheating them). But my brain won't leave me alone. It won't let me rest and be mindless. I'm still stuck wondering about that text message from last night. I'm wondering if he will call me... wishing he will... and then wondering why I wish that. I don't wish it.
Tomorrow night I'm going to have tons and tons and tons of people over here-- all people who care about me. Why do I not have that feeling of relief when any of them call? Why am I so hooked on him? Why can't I get over this? I hate it. I hate it, I hate it!! It's like my brain has to dream up ways to make me think that nothing is right, when in fact, everything is alright. Everything is just fine. If I had a different brain, I might even be content... happy... it could be a perfect night.
But I'm me... so, even through the baking and Bohème I can't breathe and my chest is tight over this bullshit.
love,
h
Weekend Whirlwinds
The weekend is approaching fast and I still have a ton of things to do before it comes-- mostly cleaning related things. I have to get my apartment in shape for my party tomorrow.
I never even got a chance to write about last weekend. It was jam-packed and fun and I actually was "happy" last weekend. On Saturday night, Cherubino hung out here for a while and then she and NDN and I went to an AA holiday party. Cherubino and I sang at the party. We all danced. It was fun to introduce NDN to the AA crowd. Afterwards, NDN and I went over to a party of his (thrown by some alumnus of his college). NDN wanted to go for the infamously good food, even though neither of us knew anyone there. So... after he ate his fill, we left.
On Sunday last week my mom, stepfather, BigSis, Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC all came into the city for brunch to celebrate my mom's birthday. After we ate, we walked up and down Fifth Avenue, like tourists, peering at the tree, St. Patrick's, FAO and all the rest of it. It was a really nice afternoon, despite my aversion to the shopping and sightseeing crowds.
Later that night I stopped at Hammer's for latkas with her and the Alaskan. It was a fun little hang out. Then I headed over to Joe's Pub to meet NDN. He had invited me to a concert performed by a woman he had met a few weeks earlier at some party. Her name is Smadar and the concert was part of some Sephardic music festival. She sang in Hebrew, Arabic and Ladino and I have to say-- she was really amazing. We had a great time.
So, last weekend was busy, as this weekend is shaping up to be too. I have to take some time out to do work, though. I have to write a final exam by Monday and I have, have, HAVE to work on my next incomplete.
This morning when I woke up I had a text from Narc. It was sent at 2:00 AM: Was going to write but just too much writing today. When do you want to talk?
It's strange. I feel like that text wasn't intended for me-- that it was sent to me by mistake.
I wrote back: Went to bed early. Narc, I'm always willing to talk. I hope there are new things to say. Will be home this morn, out in the afternoon, home tonight. Call whenever.
He hasn't called. I don't get it. I don't get him. But I don't really feel like seeing him again right now unless he apologizes to me, and I doubt that's forthcoming.
Anyway, that's it for now... back to cleaning.
love,
h
I never even got a chance to write about last weekend. It was jam-packed and fun and I actually was "happy" last weekend. On Saturday night, Cherubino hung out here for a while and then she and NDN and I went to an AA holiday party. Cherubino and I sang at the party. We all danced. It was fun to introduce NDN to the AA crowd. Afterwards, NDN and I went over to a party of his (thrown by some alumnus of his college). NDN wanted to go for the infamously good food, even though neither of us knew anyone there. So... after he ate his fill, we left.
On Sunday last week my mom, stepfather, BigSis, Bro-in-Law, LilSis and JBC all came into the city for brunch to celebrate my mom's birthday. After we ate, we walked up and down Fifth Avenue, like tourists, peering at the tree, St. Patrick's, FAO and all the rest of it. It was a really nice afternoon, despite my aversion to the shopping and sightseeing crowds.
Later that night I stopped at Hammer's for latkas with her and the Alaskan. It was a fun little hang out. Then I headed over to Joe's Pub to meet NDN. He had invited me to a concert performed by a woman he had met a few weeks earlier at some party. Her name is Smadar and the concert was part of some Sephardic music festival. She sang in Hebrew, Arabic and Ladino and I have to say-- she was really amazing. We had a great time.
So, last weekend was busy, as this weekend is shaping up to be too. I have to take some time out to do work, though. I have to write a final exam by Monday and I have, have, HAVE to work on my next incomplete.
This morning when I woke up I had a text from Narc. It was sent at 2:00 AM: Was going to write but just too much writing today. When do you want to talk?
It's strange. I feel like that text wasn't intended for me-- that it was sent to me by mistake.
I wrote back: Went to bed early. Narc, I'm always willing to talk. I hope there are new things to say. Will be home this morn, out in the afternoon, home tonight. Call whenever.
He hasn't called. I don't get it. I don't get him. But I don't really feel like seeing him again right now unless he apologizes to me, and I doubt that's forthcoming.
Anyway, that's it for now... back to cleaning.
love,
h
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Past Perfect
Yesterday was truly an awesome birthday-- a most awesome birthday. Perhaps, even perfect!
I woke up with Narc, but left early to meet B for breakfast in my neighborhood. After B and I ate, I came home, showered and got dressed.
I also had the task of figuring out where to buy a Christmas tree since the people usually stationed nearby on Second Avenue were nowhere to be found this year. I called Home Depot, but they only had nine-footers left. So, I walked over to First Avenue and asked a sanitation worker if he knew where the trees were. He directed me north about 7 blocks. With that figured out, I came home, watched I Love New York and waited for B to get back from his "writing fellows" meeting.
When B arrived, we hung out for a bit and then set out to get the tree. I went with the pricier choice because it was a big, fat, glorious tree and I had to have it. After that, we came back to my place and waited for the tree to be delivered, listening to music and just hanging out.
At 2:30, I walked B out and headed to therapy. After therapy, I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but a serious muscular workout! From there, I decided to walk home. I swung past the windows at Bergdorf's even though I had already seen them, just because they are soooooo amazing this year. I liked walking in the cold, but the crowds on 5th Avenue are a bit much to handle.
Once back home, I relaxed for a while, waiting for it to be time to meet Hammer. Then I headed to the West Village where we got dinner in a Thai restaurant. It was good to catch up with her and hear about all the things she's doing and how her life is growing and changing. After dinner we headed to Marie's Crisis where we sang and sang. It was fun. I love that place and I hadn't been there with Hammer in quite a while. There were a lot of crazy characters lurking about to spice it all up.
At around 11:30, we headed out, and I went back to Narc's (which had been negotiated via text while we were at Marie's), Ben & Jerry's in tow.
At his place, he was frustrated trying to finish the game Portal and eventually gave up. Then he put on some DVD of a miniseries called Brideshead Revisited. It was strange, and I fell asleep on the couch pretty quickly, given that I had been up late the night before and had such a packed day. At nearly 2:00 AM, I relocated to the bedroom. I'm not sure when Narc joined me.
So-- that was it-- my perfect birthday.
Today? Not so perfect.
I woke up with Narc, which was nice, and we had sex, which was nice, but my head was thumping, as if I had a hangover. Maybe it was the pillow or the way that I slept.
Narc told me that he is definitely moving to LA in February. I don't know if it's true, but if so, it's one way to solve my problem.
Anyway, he was telling me stories about when he had taken classes at the New York Film Academy and all of the interesting people there. At some point, he decided to get up and google one or two of them to see if anything ever became of them.
One woman in his class had been a former "Miss Universe" and had been dating his friend. He found a fan-site for her, though, that said she was dating some Latino rapper. So... that got him started.
He started to rail on women, saying that "it figures" that she cheated on his friend and left him for some rapper, that all women are like that, etc. I should have kept my mouth shut and let it pass, but I challenged him. I told him that he doesn't know how the relationship ended, that he shouldn't make assumptions and that they aren't always right. I pointed out that he was wrong about me when he attacked me for being a "liar and a whore" over Thanksgiving.
"You should give people the benefit of the doubt."
"I made an educated guess about you," he said. "Chances were it was right... and what I usually find is that women are doing things to you that are ten times worse than you can ever imagine... you just usually find out about it a year later or something."
This started an even more in depth soliloquy against women-- women will fuck anyone who entices them right, women will look you straight in the eye and lie to you unflinchingly and innocently and have no problem with it, all women are two-faced, none of them are trustworthy, most of them are whores. Whenever I tried to protest, he had two tactics-- one was to say "oh, okay, Hyde-- YOU are the only exception. YOU are the only angel. All the other women I know suck." Or, he said "you're the same. You lied to me that time I found your blog."
"I never lied!" I insisted. "I didn't hook up with that guy! He pissed on my hand on the street--right there on Second Avenue! I didn't even kiss him! And I was wasted and it was two years ago!"
"When I asked you about it then, you lied. You are perfectly capable of lying. All women are."
"Maybe I didn't want to tell you because it's embarrassing. Who knows? But this is dumb, Narc. You lie to me all the time!"
"Like when?"
I rolled over in bed.
" I don't want to get into this," I said.
"Every woman I've ever known has been a liar and a whore," he said.
"Maybe it's the people you're choosing to hang out with."
"Oh, so they're all terrible and you're the only angel?"
"That's not what I said. But maybe you pick people who prove your point for you. I feel bad for you, Narc."
"Yeah? Well so do I!"
"I know you do... Believe me--- I know you do."
I was feeling disgusted. I got up out of bed.
"I'm going home," I said.
I started to get dressed. He ignored me and started to do the same. I sneezed twice. He didn't say anything. Then, he made a phone call to some photography guy he wants on his movie. It was as if I weren't there. So, I waited for him to hang up the phone.
"Can I ask you something?" I said, when he finally emerged from his bedroom.
"Yeah... sure..." he had a funny look on his face.
"Are we friends?"
"I don't know, are we?" he shot back.
"Well, I think so! But do you?"
"I don't know, Hyde... we never seem to have pleasant conversations."
"What??" (That answer surprised me.)
"I don't know how to be here if we're not friends," I said. "And I don't know how to be your friend if you think I'm so rotten-- that I'm a liar... completely two-faced. It's like I'm going to rip the mask of at any moment and be the awful woman that every woman is. I'm not! I'm not rotten!" I insisted. "I'm not rotten!"
My eyes were glassy and I didn't want them to spill. If I cried, it would all be written off as "female hysterics."
"I'm not saying you're rotten," he said.
"But you are, if you think I'm a liar."
"It's only logical, Hyde. In my experience, women are liars. In my experience women are two-faced. You want me to believe your the only exception?"
"I'm not trying to be an exception! That's your rule and not mine. I'm not trying to compare myself to the women you know. I'm just trying to be me. And I don't know... if we're not friends.... I don't know, Narc. I'm trying to be your friend. I'm not rotten!!"
He obviously wasn't going to back down or apologize for the insults he hurled at me two weeks ago... after all, it's only logical that I'm a liar and a whore, right?
"I've got to go," I said.
"Ok. See you later."
He was standing in his kitchen in his boxers. I gave him a hug and then swung out the door.
Then I got met by the weather-- it was freezing out with a mix of snow and rain and slush and my sneakers were sliding all over the sidewalk. Then I went to an ATM and found that I had a negative balance (because the check I deposited yesterday hadn't cleared yet, and I had emptied my account when I bought the Christmas tree!). So, I couldn't even take a cab home. I had to walk freezing and shaking and sliding all the way over to the dripping subway and then home from Grand Central Station. Ick.
And now I'm here. And I'm thinking that Narc is toxic. He's a bitter toxic poison. Maybe this is all because I am an Ophiucus...
love,
h
I woke up with Narc, but left early to meet B for breakfast in my neighborhood. After B and I ate, I came home, showered and got dressed.
I also had the task of figuring out where to buy a Christmas tree since the people usually stationed nearby on Second Avenue were nowhere to be found this year. I called Home Depot, but they only had nine-footers left. So, I walked over to First Avenue and asked a sanitation worker if he knew where the trees were. He directed me north about 7 blocks. With that figured out, I came home, watched I Love New York and waited for B to get back from his "writing fellows" meeting.
When B arrived, we hung out for a bit and then set out to get the tree. I went with the pricier choice because it was a big, fat, glorious tree and I had to have it. After that, we came back to my place and waited for the tree to be delivered, listening to music and just hanging out.
At 2:30, I walked B out and headed to therapy. After therapy, I went to my voice lesson. It was a good lesson, but a serious muscular workout! From there, I decided to walk home. I swung past the windows at Bergdorf's even though I had already seen them, just because they are soooooo amazing this year. I liked walking in the cold, but the crowds on 5th Avenue are a bit much to handle.
Once back home, I relaxed for a while, waiting for it to be time to meet Hammer. Then I headed to the West Village where we got dinner in a Thai restaurant. It was good to catch up with her and hear about all the things she's doing and how her life is growing and changing. After dinner we headed to Marie's Crisis where we sang and sang. It was fun. I love that place and I hadn't been there with Hammer in quite a while. There were a lot of crazy characters lurking about to spice it all up.
At around 11:30, we headed out, and I went back to Narc's (which had been negotiated via text while we were at Marie's), Ben & Jerry's in tow.
At his place, he was frustrated trying to finish the game Portal and eventually gave up. Then he put on some DVD of a miniseries called Brideshead Revisited. It was strange, and I fell asleep on the couch pretty quickly, given that I had been up late the night before and had such a packed day. At nearly 2:00 AM, I relocated to the bedroom. I'm not sure when Narc joined me.
So-- that was it-- my perfect birthday.
Today? Not so perfect.
I woke up with Narc, which was nice, and we had sex, which was nice, but my head was thumping, as if I had a hangover. Maybe it was the pillow or the way that I slept.
Narc told me that he is definitely moving to LA in February. I don't know if it's true, but if so, it's one way to solve my problem.
Anyway, he was telling me stories about when he had taken classes at the New York Film Academy and all of the interesting people there. At some point, he decided to get up and google one or two of them to see if anything ever became of them.
One woman in his class had been a former "Miss Universe" and had been dating his friend. He found a fan-site for her, though, that said she was dating some Latino rapper. So... that got him started.
He started to rail on women, saying that "it figures" that she cheated on his friend and left him for some rapper, that all women are like that, etc. I should have kept my mouth shut and let it pass, but I challenged him. I told him that he doesn't know how the relationship ended, that he shouldn't make assumptions and that they aren't always right. I pointed out that he was wrong about me when he attacked me for being a "liar and a whore" over Thanksgiving.
"You should give people the benefit of the doubt."
"I made an educated guess about you," he said. "Chances were it was right... and what I usually find is that women are doing things to you that are ten times worse than you can ever imagine... you just usually find out about it a year later or something."
This started an even more in depth soliloquy against women-- women will fuck anyone who entices them right, women will look you straight in the eye and lie to you unflinchingly and innocently and have no problem with it, all women are two-faced, none of them are trustworthy, most of them are whores. Whenever I tried to protest, he had two tactics-- one was to say "oh, okay, Hyde-- YOU are the only exception. YOU are the only angel. All the other women I know suck." Or, he said "you're the same. You lied to me that time I found your blog."
"I never lied!" I insisted. "I didn't hook up with that guy! He pissed on my hand on the street--right there on Second Avenue! I didn't even kiss him! And I was wasted and it was two years ago!"
"When I asked you about it then, you lied. You are perfectly capable of lying. All women are."
"Maybe I didn't want to tell you because it's embarrassing. Who knows? But this is dumb, Narc. You lie to me all the time!"
"Like when?"
I rolled over in bed.
" I don't want to get into this," I said.
"Every woman I've ever known has been a liar and a whore," he said.
"Maybe it's the people you're choosing to hang out with."
"Oh, so they're all terrible and you're the only angel?"
"That's not what I said. But maybe you pick people who prove your point for you. I feel bad for you, Narc."
"Yeah? Well so do I!"
"I know you do... Believe me--- I know you do."
I was feeling disgusted. I got up out of bed.
"I'm going home," I said.
I started to get dressed. He ignored me and started to do the same. I sneezed twice. He didn't say anything. Then, he made a phone call to some photography guy he wants on his movie. It was as if I weren't there. So, I waited for him to hang up the phone.
"Can I ask you something?" I said, when he finally emerged from his bedroom.
"Yeah... sure..." he had a funny look on his face.
"Are we friends?"
"I don't know, are we?" he shot back.
"Well, I think so! But do you?"
"I don't know, Hyde... we never seem to have pleasant conversations."
"What??" (That answer surprised me.)
"I don't know how to be here if we're not friends," I said. "And I don't know how to be your friend if you think I'm so rotten-- that I'm a liar... completely two-faced. It's like I'm going to rip the mask of at any moment and be the awful woman that every woman is. I'm not! I'm not rotten!" I insisted. "I'm not rotten!"
My eyes were glassy and I didn't want them to spill. If I cried, it would all be written off as "female hysterics."
"I'm not saying you're rotten," he said.
"But you are, if you think I'm a liar."
"It's only logical, Hyde. In my experience, women are liars. In my experience women are two-faced. You want me to believe your the only exception?"
"I'm not trying to be an exception! That's your rule and not mine. I'm not trying to compare myself to the women you know. I'm just trying to be me. And I don't know... if we're not friends.... I don't know, Narc. I'm trying to be your friend. I'm not rotten!!"
He obviously wasn't going to back down or apologize for the insults he hurled at me two weeks ago... after all, it's only logical that I'm a liar and a whore, right?
"I've got to go," I said.
"Ok. See you later."
He was standing in his kitchen in his boxers. I gave him a hug and then swung out the door.
Then I got met by the weather-- it was freezing out with a mix of snow and rain and slush and my sneakers were sliding all over the sidewalk. Then I went to an ATM and found that I had a negative balance (because the check I deposited yesterday hadn't cleared yet, and I had emptied my account when I bought the Christmas tree!). So, I couldn't even take a cab home. I had to walk freezing and shaking and sliding all the way over to the dripping subway and then home from Grand Central Station. Ick.
And now I'm here. And I'm thinking that Narc is toxic. He's a bitter toxic poison. Maybe this is all because I am an Ophiucus...
love,
h
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
He's Back
So, Narc is back from New Orleans all in one piece (although still with a bruise in the corner of his eye). He texted me yesterday in the morning that he would be arriving in NY at around 6:00 PM and asked if I wanted to come down. I was surprised that he would want to see me on the night of his arrival at home. It's not what I was expecting.
For most of the day yesterday I tried to clean my house-- I say "tried" because it seems like no matter how much work I do, there is still tons to be done in order for it to look even halfway decent.
After the Monday night meditation meeting, I hopped in a cab and headed down to see him. When I got to his lobby, he wasn't home. I can't tell you how it felt-- to think I was being stood up again. I called him, but his phone was off. So, I sat down, stewing, and decided to wait for fifteen minutes before heading home. He called me just a few minutes later. He said he had been having a massage and it went a few minutes over. Ok. That's ok...
But when he got back to his building, he told me that we had to go meet James.
"Huh?"
"He left his stuff at my place when we got back from the airport. Then we both went for massages and now he's waiting for me at the Blue Goose," he explained.
"So, you want to go over there now?"
We walked over. I have to say-- I felt a little uncomfortable and I'm not sure why. But I was glad to see Narc and wanted to throw my arms around him.
Narc held the door for me as we entered the restaurant, which means I was the first to see James and his face lit up with surprise. I guess Narc didn't tell him that we had plans. But he was very gracious and kissed me hello (on both cheeks) and I was feeling even more strange. I asked them about the trip. It was pretty much what I expected-- they were wasted at all hours, drank til 10:00 AM from the night before, went to some strip clubs, etc. But overall, they both seemed pretty bored with the experience. I remember what that feels like-- to be so completely bored with drunken nights out. I have to say, it made me grateful for how much more vivid my life has become since I got sober.
Narc and James both ordered Hungarian goulash and I had some soup. I told Narc I am an "Ophiuchus." We were talking about birthdays.
"Hers is on Wednesday," he told James.
I was relieved that he remembered.
They were talking about some master plan to go away one weekend and get blitzed and then come back and the next weekend go to some spa or retreat and recover and to alternate weekends like that in general.
"Sounds like a life of luxury," I said.
After dinner, James walked us back to Narc's place, but left shortly thereafter. Narc and I watched Borat, which strangely, I had never seen. I thought it was funny, but I also thought it was kind of mean.
We both decided to go to bed early, as he hadn't slept in nearly 30 hours and I had to wake up to teach the next morning. I felt so good being next to him.
"I like sleeping with you," I said.
"Awww..." he pulled me in tighter.
We had sex. I was very content. Very content.
But I know that this is over somewhere inside of me. I know that I'm getting stronger. I know that I have more clarity. And soon, I won't be able to do this game of "make believe" anymore.
Anyway, I left early this morning and now I'm here in my office, about to go to class. There's lots to post about the weekend, but I'll have to get to it later.
Hope you all have a great day!
love,
h
For most of the day yesterday I tried to clean my house-- I say "tried" because it seems like no matter how much work I do, there is still tons to be done in order for it to look even halfway decent.
After the Monday night meditation meeting, I hopped in a cab and headed down to see him. When I got to his lobby, he wasn't home. I can't tell you how it felt-- to think I was being stood up again. I called him, but his phone was off. So, I sat down, stewing, and decided to wait for fifteen minutes before heading home. He called me just a few minutes later. He said he had been having a massage and it went a few minutes over. Ok. That's ok...
But when he got back to his building, he told me that we had to go meet James.
"Huh?"
"He left his stuff at my place when we got back from the airport. Then we both went for massages and now he's waiting for me at the Blue Goose," he explained.
"So, you want to go over there now?"
We walked over. I have to say-- I felt a little uncomfortable and I'm not sure why. But I was glad to see Narc and wanted to throw my arms around him.
Narc held the door for me as we entered the restaurant, which means I was the first to see James and his face lit up with surprise. I guess Narc didn't tell him that we had plans. But he was very gracious and kissed me hello (on both cheeks) and I was feeling even more strange. I asked them about the trip. It was pretty much what I expected-- they were wasted at all hours, drank til 10:00 AM from the night before, went to some strip clubs, etc. But overall, they both seemed pretty bored with the experience. I remember what that feels like-- to be so completely bored with drunken nights out. I have to say, it made me grateful for how much more vivid my life has become since I got sober.
Narc and James both ordered Hungarian goulash and I had some soup. I told Narc I am an "Ophiuchus." We were talking about birthdays.
"Hers is on Wednesday," he told James.
I was relieved that he remembered.
They were talking about some master plan to go away one weekend and get blitzed and then come back and the next weekend go to some spa or retreat and recover and to alternate weekends like that in general.
"Sounds like a life of luxury," I said.
After dinner, James walked us back to Narc's place, but left shortly thereafter. Narc and I watched Borat, which strangely, I had never seen. I thought it was funny, but I also thought it was kind of mean.
We both decided to go to bed early, as he hadn't slept in nearly 30 hours and I had to wake up to teach the next morning. I felt so good being next to him.
"I like sleeping with you," I said.
"Awww..." he pulled me in tighter.
We had sex. I was very content. Very content.
But I know that this is over somewhere inside of me. I know that I'm getting stronger. I know that I have more clarity. And soon, I won't be able to do this game of "make believe" anymore.
Anyway, I left early this morning and now I'm here in my office, about to go to class. There's lots to post about the weekend, but I'll have to get to it later.
Hope you all have a great day!
love,
h
Monday, December 10, 2007
Ophiuchus
I learned something new last night, thanks to the Alaskan. I'm not a Sagittarius after all, but rather, I am in the 13th sun-sign-- the largely unrecognized Ophiuchus! This little known fact immediately interested me, first of all because I like astrology stuff, and second of all because I have never felt like a Sag. The typical Sagittarius is optimistic, adventuresome, extroverted, athletic, loves the outdoors and is a fire sign.So... what is Ophiuchus? There is a 13th constellation through which the sun passes, making it a sun sign. However, it was neglected when the Zodiac charts were constructed by the ancient Babylonians. Also-- when they made the original Zodiac chart, they divided the sun signs into 12 equal parts, even though some of the constellations are significantly larger than others, so the sun takes longer to pass through some than others. Another reason for the inaccuracy in the original zodiac chart is the Earth slightly wobbles as it rotates, shifting on its axis, and that apparently changes the line-up of the signs as well.
Anyway, if you add Ophiuchus, all of the dates are shifted. Scorpio becomes an air sign (whereas it used to be listed as a water) and Ophiuchus becomes a water sign. You can see the shifted elements on the chart below.
Ophiuchus is the "Serpent-handler" and a healer. I found a few websites listing character traits, and one was uncannily like me. Here's what it said:Ophiuchus
Your true sign may be that of The Serpent Bearer, Ophiuchus!
The 13th sign, Ophiuchus, corresponds to the position of the sun from approximately November 30th to December 17th.
Ophiuchii are not yet accepted into our modern Zodiac and so there is no standard personality description, so I think this is as close as you'll find to an accurate description, based upon the Ophiuchi's history and mythologies.
An Ophiuchus will have a great learning ability early in life, possibly even skip a grade or two because they are so advanced. or be placed in advanced learning courses early on. Young Ophiuchii will be wise beyond their years, easily understanding the concepts of life and death, and how the world works through both honesty and deception. Because of this, Ophiuchii may seem to grow up faster than their peers, and a lot of the time be alienated from people, for simply being unable to find intellectual equals. They will often perceive the actions of others as idiotic, childish, foolish, and un-evolved.
Serpent bearers, being positioned between Scorpio and Sagittarius, will have similar traits to both these. Fun-loving, self-confident, proud, witty and child-like, Ophiuchii often have many friends due to their magnetic personalities. Unfortunately though, most Ophiuchii are subject to bouts of depression and may also have a lazy, procrastinating side.
Many Ophiuchii also have a natural ability as a Healer, able to relieve other's pains through touch, as well as other astrological talents being that the Ophiuchi can pull knowledge (Like the serpent in the garden, and the tree of knowledge) from seemingly nowhere and utilize the skills or traits of almost any astrological sign. Ophiuchi are often artistically inclined as well, often having poetic and musical talents, as well as visual art aptitude.
The Ophiuchus has been "Bitten by the serpent" multiply and metaphorically, thus, the Ophiuchus is accustomed to its poison, which is why the Ophiuchus is a prime candidate for finding the real truth (though venomous) in things. Unlike most, whom spurn truth because its to difficult to deal with, the Ophiuchus is (like one accustomed to a serpents bite) adapted to the poison.
On the down side, Ophiuchi are prone to addiction of all kinds. Including, drug addition, alcoholism, and sexual addiction. This stems from their pleasure seeking mentality and inability to "get enough", it also stems from their "need for the poison", as the Ophiuchus has the ability to work "snake medicine" as the Native Americans, much like the shamans of old.
The best careers for Ophiuchi are in the following fields: Religion/Philosophy, Arts/Music, Acting, Medical, Science, and Writing.
*********************
That basically sums up my childhood in the first part, and the rest of it is mostly accurate too.
If you want to know what your sign would be under the adjusted Zodiac, you can find a chart here.
Here is the symbol for an Ophiuchus.Anyway, that's it for now. Time to go start my day!
:)
love,
h
Friday, December 7, 2007
Christmas Music
I just finished re-stringing my apartment in Christmas lights. I say "re-stringing" because it once sported Christmas lights all year round, until Brick suggested (strongly) that I take them down. I'm not sure if I overdid it this time or not. The lights are purple and gold. And no-- I don't have my Christmas tree yet.
I have been listening to the Saint-Saëns Christmas Oratorio. It's gorgeous and is making me think of my freshman year in college and ChoirMan and all of that. Today I transferred a slew of old cassette tapes into MP3 files-- a bunch of concerts from '96, '97 and '98. I also went to therapy this afternoon. Even thought it was only 4:00 when I set out, night was falling and the snow was coming down.
(The lights are floating stars.)
I talked to Brick on the phone for a while today and yesterday. Even though he's drinking and is trying to "control" it, he seems to be happy, and so I'm happy for him. He keeps telling me I'd like LA, but somehow I seriously doubt it.
As for Narc, he's in New Orleans and I have a bleeding bladder infection. Yuck. But it's okay. It's all okay for the moment because it is where it is. Therapy is helping me with acceptance. I really am feeling okay at this very moment.
Tomorrow night my AA group is having a huge holiday party. I'm going to take NDN. Cherubino and I are going to sing the duet from Lakmé, so she's coming over here a little early so we can practice.
Um... what else? That's it. At some point, I want to tell the story of what happened the night of Thanksgiving, but I'm still not up for it.
I am just loving the winter and trying to avoid the end-of-semester stress. I need to pick a day to do my sugar cookies and La Bohème. Since I've been off sugar for a while now, it would make sense to do them sometime before my birthday party so I can feed them to my guests.
I'm feeling a little sad that it's my birthday next week. I'm not sure why. Maybe because things didn't "turn out" exactly as I had expected.
I'm kind of in love with Puccini right now, but whenever I think that I creep myself out because
B thinks Puccini looks just like my dad. I just wish one of these days I could prove Freud wrong.
In any case, I started reading The Idiot. It will probably be slow going because I have so much work to do right now, but maybe I'll be able to get into it after Christmas.
That's it for now.
Lots of love,
h
I have been listening to the Saint-Saëns Christmas Oratorio. It's gorgeous and is making me think of my freshman year in college and ChoirMan and all of that. Today I transferred a slew of old cassette tapes into MP3 files-- a bunch of concerts from '96, '97 and '98. I also went to therapy this afternoon. Even thought it was only 4:00 when I set out, night was falling and the snow was coming down.
(The lights are floating stars.)
I talked to Brick on the phone for a while today and yesterday. Even though he's drinking and is trying to "control" it, he seems to be happy, and so I'm happy for him. He keeps telling me I'd like LA, but somehow I seriously doubt it.
As for Narc, he's in New Orleans and I have a bleeding bladder infection. Yuck. But it's okay. It's all okay for the moment because it is where it is. Therapy is helping me with acceptance. I really am feeling okay at this very moment.
Tomorrow night my AA group is having a huge holiday party. I'm going to take NDN. Cherubino and I are going to sing the duet from Lakmé, so she's coming over here a little early so we can practice.
Um... what else? That's it. At some point, I want to tell the story of what happened the night of Thanksgiving, but I'm still not up for it.
I am just loving the winter and trying to avoid the end-of-semester stress. I need to pick a day to do my sugar cookies and La Bohème. Since I've been off sugar for a while now, it would make sense to do them sometime before my birthday party so I can feed them to my guests.I'm feeling a little sad that it's my birthday next week. I'm not sure why. Maybe because things didn't "turn out" exactly as I had expected.
I'm kind of in love with Puccini right now, but whenever I think that I creep myself out because
B thinks Puccini looks just like my dad. I just wish one of these days I could prove Freud wrong.
In any case, I started reading The Idiot. It will probably be slow going because I have so much work to do right now, but maybe I'll be able to get into it after Christmas.
That's it for now.
Lots of love,
h
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
In the Clouds
Everything is still in a cloud. My psychiatrist just upped my antidepressant. I saw Narc last night for the first time in a while. His head was all bruised and the side of his face looked like someone had aimed for the eye and then he fell and hit his head somewhere else. He doesn't remember what happened. We had amazing sex last night. My sponsor told me we are back to "not talking about Narc." Great... she was just about the only reason I survived the weekend at all. Guess I will have to make due on my own again.
Anyway, things aren't all that bad. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I taught the English Civil War in the morning. I love being friends with Pixie and StarGazer. I owe Hammer lunch because I lost our bet about Beauty and the Geek. I had a good voice lesson today. NDN left a giant wooden cross outside my door-- just two planks nailed together. He is nuts.
I love that it snowed tonight. My "sober family" had a little get together on the Upper West Side. I walked along Central Park West afterwards and watched the snow flutter down in ribbons under the pink lamplight. I talked to Bezoukhoff on the phone for a bit while I walked.
Narc is going to New Orleans with James this weekend. I really am scared they might not make it back alive. His doctor warned him that his liver is fucked up and that he should stop drinking. He told me that last night. My head was on his chest.
My therapist told me to read The Idiot. I'm going to order a copy online.
Feeling a little like Leaving Las Vegas right now.
love,
h
Anyway, things aren't all that bad. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I taught the English Civil War in the morning. I love being friends with Pixie and StarGazer. I owe Hammer lunch because I lost our bet about Beauty and the Geek. I had a good voice lesson today. NDN left a giant wooden cross outside my door-- just two planks nailed together. He is nuts.
I love that it snowed tonight. My "sober family" had a little get together on the Upper West Side. I walked along Central Park West afterwards and watched the snow flutter down in ribbons under the pink lamplight. I talked to Bezoukhoff on the phone for a bit while I walked.
Narc is going to New Orleans with James this weekend. I really am scared they might not make it back alive. His doctor warned him that his liver is fucked up and that he should stop drinking. He told me that last night. My head was on his chest.
My therapist told me to read The Idiot. I'm going to order a copy online.
Feeling a little like Leaving Las Vegas right now.
love,
h
Monday, December 3, 2007
Energy Kitchen (and other things)
I'm addicted to ordering from "Energy Kitchen" this week. Brick used to always want to order from there, and I never wanted to. But it's healthy and fresh and the food is tasting so gooooood to me right now.
I need to be more productive. I need to remember to take my vitamins. Aside from eating healthy food, I am slipping back into mega-self-destruction mode. And it's just because I'm feeling helpless.
There are a lot of holiday parties coming up, though (including my own birthday party!) and so that's something to look forward to.
I am trying so hard to keep some clarity on Narc. I am trying so hard to see him for who he truly is and to not get lost in delusions. I'm praying to St. Lucy to keep the lights on-- to give perfect vision to my eyes.
love,
h
I need to be more productive. I need to remember to take my vitamins. Aside from eating healthy food, I am slipping back into mega-self-destruction mode. And it's just because I'm feeling helpless.
There are a lot of holiday parties coming up, though (including my own birthday party!) and so that's something to look forward to.
I am trying so hard to keep some clarity on Narc. I am trying so hard to see him for who he truly is and to not get lost in delusions. I'm praying to St. Lucy to keep the lights on-- to give perfect vision to my eyes.
love,
h
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thoughts for the day...
THE JAYWALKER: (p.37)
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect tothe first drink (Narc) as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substitutedalcoholism (Narc) for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol (Narc) has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language but isn't it true?
________________________
And a few words that I need to remember...
Kind: Of a sympathetic or helpful nature; gentle; arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance; of a kind to give pleasure or relief.
Cruel: Disposed to inflict pain or suffering; devoid of humane feelings; causing or conducive to injury, grief or pain; unrelieved by leniency.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted
________________________
And a few words that I need to remember...
Kind: Of a sympathetic or helpful nature; gentle; arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance; of a kind to give pleasure or relief.
Cruel: Disposed to inflict pain or suffering; devoid of humane feelings; causing or conducive to injury, grief or pain; unrelieved by leniency.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Out of the Mire
Congratulations to VJ-- she is having a boy!
As for me, things are still not in order and I still find myself unable to write. I'm just in pain... stark white pain. Maybe I'm bottoming with this... I don't know. But I'm one more step and then one more step closer to it all being over with Narc.
On Thursday after AA I went to a restaurant on the Upper East Side, owned by one of the members of our group. There was a huge group of AA's there, which was nice, because I got to talk to people who I don't usually talk to. I was in a bad place in my head, though, and I feel like I talked to too many people about my personal business. I regret it afterwards.
At around 11:00 PM, the party was breaking up, but I still didn't want to go home, so I took the crosstown bus and then the 1/9 subway all the way to Greenwich Village and made my way over to Marie's Crisis. On the bus, I bumped into another AA-- a guy that I met a year ago when he was just coming in, although I had only seen him once or twice since then. We had a serious talk on the bus, even though I barely know him, and before he hopped off, he gave me his business card.
Anyway, I sang at Marie's until 3:00 AM. It was hard to get completely out of my head, but I had moments in which I was purely gone, and it was fucking awesome. I didn't get to bed until after 5:00 AM, though.
Yesterday I was blue. I stayed in bed until the sky grew dark. I watched a few episodes of The Sopranos on In-Demand. I feel like I missed the boat with that show when it was on, so I figured with the writer's strike and all, I might as well start watching it now.
Anyway, something happened later in the evening that sent me into a tailspin. I really don't know how to handle my emotions. I just felt a hot searing spiritual pain in my chest that immobilized me. I really thought I would die in my desk chair, never being able to move again. I did somehow muster the ability to call Cherubino, and before I got her, I talked to Leseco. Cherubino invited me out to a comedy club with her and a friend of hers to see some improv group. I agreed to go.
I speed-walked all the way to the West Side, through the throngs of tourists at Rockefeller Center, listening to Wagner and Verdi all the while. I felt better being out and being valued. I am so grateful for my friends... so grateful I can't even express it.
Cherubino came back to my place with me and stayed the night last night. I couldn't sleep at all and woke up early this morning without an alarm.
I'm going to the opera today with B. We're going to see Domingo in Gluck's Iphigenie en Tauride. What a treat! Later, I'm going to a Lessons and Carols at my favorite church with Pixie. I'm also going to make my "amends" to B today. I'm scared about it, but I've been stuck, not doing any work on my 9th step for a long time, and maybe, since I don't know what to do about Narc, doing step-work is the only way for me to move forward and feel better.
Anyway, that's it for now. Like I said-- I'm in a lot of pain, I sometimes forget to breathe, and I barely feel capable of writing, but I also don't want to let the blog go completely.
Hope you are all well out there...
love,
h
PS: Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 65 today. Happy December!
As for me, things are still not in order and I still find myself unable to write. I'm just in pain... stark white pain. Maybe I'm bottoming with this... I don't know. But I'm one more step and then one more step closer to it all being over with Narc.
On Thursday after AA I went to a restaurant on the Upper East Side, owned by one of the members of our group. There was a huge group of AA's there, which was nice, because I got to talk to people who I don't usually talk to. I was in a bad place in my head, though, and I feel like I talked to too many people about my personal business. I regret it afterwards.
At around 11:00 PM, the party was breaking up, but I still didn't want to go home, so I took the crosstown bus and then the 1/9 subway all the way to Greenwich Village and made my way over to Marie's Crisis. On the bus, I bumped into another AA-- a guy that I met a year ago when he was just coming in, although I had only seen him once or twice since then. We had a serious talk on the bus, even though I barely know him, and before he hopped off, he gave me his business card.
Anyway, I sang at Marie's until 3:00 AM. It was hard to get completely out of my head, but I had moments in which I was purely gone, and it was fucking awesome. I didn't get to bed until after 5:00 AM, though.
Yesterday I was blue. I stayed in bed until the sky grew dark. I watched a few episodes of The Sopranos on In-Demand. I feel like I missed the boat with that show when it was on, so I figured with the writer's strike and all, I might as well start watching it now.
Anyway, something happened later in the evening that sent me into a tailspin. I really don't know how to handle my emotions. I just felt a hot searing spiritual pain in my chest that immobilized me. I really thought I would die in my desk chair, never being able to move again. I did somehow muster the ability to call Cherubino, and before I got her, I talked to Leseco. Cherubino invited me out to a comedy club with her and a friend of hers to see some improv group. I agreed to go.
I speed-walked all the way to the West Side, through the throngs of tourists at Rockefeller Center, listening to Wagner and Verdi all the while. I felt better being out and being valued. I am so grateful for my friends... so grateful I can't even express it.
Cherubino came back to my place with me and stayed the night last night. I couldn't sleep at all and woke up early this morning without an alarm.
I'm going to the opera today with B. We're going to see Domingo in Gluck's Iphigenie en Tauride. What a treat! Later, I'm going to a Lessons and Carols at my favorite church with Pixie. I'm also going to make my "amends" to B today. I'm scared about it, but I've been stuck, not doing any work on my 9th step for a long time, and maybe, since I don't know what to do about Narc, doing step-work is the only way for me to move forward and feel better.
Anyway, that's it for now. Like I said-- I'm in a lot of pain, I sometimes forget to breathe, and I barely feel capable of writing, but I also don't want to let the blog go completely.
Hope you are all well out there...
love,
h
PS: Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 65 today. Happy December!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Despite it All...
Despite it all, I've been in a remarkably good mood... and not much in the mood for blogging. I'm still dealing with all of the emotional fallout from the weekend.
I had a good talk with my mom. She just kicks ass.
Yesterday I taught, cleaned up my apartment a little and then went to AA. They were taping an episode of Law & Order in our usual location, so we were moved to a different church.
Today I had a doctor's appointment and then therapy and then a voice lesson. The two new arias I'm working on are both a little crazy and both a little apropos.
I'm totally broke right now... too broke to be taking taxis around town.
I had dinner with Cherubino after my voice lesson (Cherubino who just scored a job playing "Cherubino," by the way!).
Narc invited me over tonight. I still don't have it in me to explain all that. I don't know if I'm gonna go.
I took the bus home tonight. All of the Christmas lights are up. 5th Avenue is all decked out.
I want Sam and Nicole to win on Beauty and the Geek. Hammer and the Alaskan are rooting for Jasmine and Dave.
Anyway, that's it for now...
love,
h
I had a good talk with my mom. She just kicks ass.
Yesterday I taught, cleaned up my apartment a little and then went to AA. They were taping an episode of Law & Order in our usual location, so we were moved to a different church.
Today I had a doctor's appointment and then therapy and then a voice lesson. The two new arias I'm working on are both a little crazy and both a little apropos.
I'm totally broke right now... too broke to be taking taxis around town.
I had dinner with Cherubino after my voice lesson (Cherubino who just scored a job playing "Cherubino," by the way!).
Narc invited me over tonight. I still don't have it in me to explain all that. I don't know if I'm gonna go.
I took the bus home tonight. All of the Christmas lights are up. 5th Avenue is all decked out.
I want Sam and Nicole to win on Beauty and the Geek. Hammer and the Alaskan are rooting for Jasmine and Dave.
Anyway, that's it for now...
love,
h
Monday, November 26, 2007
Interviewed
There's been some very serious drama the past few days and buckets of tears, but I still don't have it in me to write it all out.
I had a job interview today for summer teaching. I really hope I get the position b/c if so, I will be able to teach an upper level elective course in 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History. Finally-- a relief from these damn global surveys!!!
Anyway, I'm just writing to write something... Bezoukhoff is over right now doing some work. NDN and I ate Chinese food last night and then I went to AA and out to a diner with some girls.
I thought I was never going to speak to Narc again and then he called to quasi-apologize, but I am still not sure where I am with any of that.
Anyway, I'll be glad for the AA meditation meeting tonight.
That's all for now...
love,
h
I had a job interview today for summer teaching. I really hope I get the position b/c if so, I will be able to teach an upper level elective course in 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History. Finally-- a relief from these damn global surveys!!!
Anyway, I'm just writing to write something... Bezoukhoff is over right now doing some work. NDN and I ate Chinese food last night and then I went to AA and out to a diner with some girls.
I thought I was never going to speak to Narc again and then he called to quasi-apologize, but I am still not sure where I am with any of that.
Anyway, I'll be glad for the AA meditation meeting tonight.
That's all for now...
love,
h
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Confliction Affliction
I'm going to write about something other than N... Because no matter how much what happened is eating at me, and no matter how much I want to break down and cry all over the rest of my life, I don't want to give short shrift to everything else-- especially in this week of thanks and gratitude. I have an amazing family and amazing friends.
On Wednesday evening I had a voice lesson. My teacher assigned me two new arias-- "Traft ihr das Schiff im Meere" from Dutchman and "Madre, pietosa Vergine" from Forza. From there, I headed straight to Penn Station and out to Long Island. I didn't want to have to make the trip on Thursday morning, as I would have had to cut straight through the Macy's parade.
Anyway, my mom picked me up at the other end and back at her house, I sang her some of the songs I'm working on. LilSis and JBC came home; my stepfather and stepbrother came home; we ate some dinner. Later, I made Swedish meatballs until after midnight at my mom's request. She has been taking old boxes out of storage and had some of my things for me to go through. There were stacks and stacks of old diaries (I was a seriously prolific kid!!) and they were kind of sad to look through. I wrote a poem entitled "alcoholism" when I was only 11. Weird, right? There was also a box of old clothes that had a pile of stuff belonging to B.
Before bed that night, Narc called. He had obliterated himself. All he could say was something like "save me" and "I'm screwed." I could barely understand him through his thick slurring, and besides that, James was ranting and chanting and singing something in the background. It was a little disturbing and didn't help me get to sleep.
Thanksgiving morning brought more cooking. I helped my mom make the turkey and stuffing and then I made potatoes and spent an hour french-cutting string beans for her. I also made sugar free pumpkin pies (as I'm currently off sugar) and they came out delicious. We normally have about 20 people at our thanksgiving, although this year, we were cut in half, as BigSis and Bro-in-Law went to the Dominican Republic on vacation, and my aunt and cousins Jail and Jol were all in Florence, and Bro-in-Law's sister and her husband and the kids didn't come. It was a very chill Thanksgiving, but a very nice one.
My mom took me back to the train at around 9:30. When I was on my way home, Narc called. He was, once again, wasted beyond belief. He kept saying he had to talk to me about something. I told him I'd call him when I got back to my place.
This is the part of the story I want to skip, as I'm not in a place to think about it any more than necessary, and I certainly don't want to write about it.
To make a long story short, by the end of the night, I was in tears and I can't talk to him again unless he can muster some sort of apology. Thank god StarGazer was there for me to cry to... and Bezoukhoff helped me through a lot of it too.
I slept in on Friday, barely able to breathe because my heart was stuffed into my throat and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. It was a nice escape from myself to go meet Anxious for lunch at the Cafe Orlin in the East Village. We chatted over coffee and lunch for a good two hours. She is planning on moving out to LA in a few months (to do a Spanish language and literature PhD at UCLA) and so, we are going to try to squeeze in a few more dates before she goes.
After we parted ways, I walked along St. Mark's and bought some mittens and a new amethyst. (A girl can never have too many amethysts!). Pixie sent me a text that she was nearby, so I headed over to Yaffa Cafe to meet her (not to be confused with Yaffa's in Tribeca where Narc and I used to hang out). We had a great conversation while I ate grilled calamari. I really needed her advice, as I was still spinning a bit from what had gone down the previous night. I just didn't want to be in my own skin anymore. From there, Pixie went to a meeting, and I headed home to meet Bezoukhoff.
Bezoukhoff, Pixie and I all had tickets to see Ute Lemper in concert that night at Joe's Pub. I put on glittering purple eye-makeup and a wig and Bezoukhoff renamed me "Isoldebella." We at some of my (sugar-free) pumpkin pie, listened to Kurt Weill, the Mozart Requiem and portions of Cabaret, and then headed back downtown to meet up with Pixie.
The Ute concert was phenomenal!! She sang so many of my favorites-- songs from The Blue Angel, some Edith Piaf, some Jacques Brel, of course the Brecht and Weill stuff, Philip Glass' "Streets of Berlin." She slunk around the stage in a draped black dress and a red boa. Like I said-- phenomenal!
It was freezing outside when we exited the bar. Pixie went home and Bezoukhoff headed back to my place where we examined the royal family trees of Britain, the German principalities, Greece and Russia before I bid him adieu and headed to bed.
I couldn't sleep. My heart was in my throat again.
Narc, Narc, Narc.
He texted me just after 2:00 AM: Can't sleep. Are you up? Wanna talk?
I gripped the phone in my shaking hand for a while before I responded.
I have nothing to say after last night, I wrote.
"K," was his answer.
"K"?????? "K"?!?!??! That was it?!?!?!
Now I was even more anxious than before. I texted my sponsor, and then somehow, by the grace of God, eventually got to sleep.
This morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. It felt like my tongue was made of cotton-- a feeling that I've gotten used to being without now that I've stopped drinking and drugging. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I peered over the top of my comforter. When did my room turn into a pig sty?
Pixie called (thank god!) and asked if I wanted to go to a 1:00 PM women's meeting with her. I agreed. It was good to have something to get me out of the house. I talked to Cherubino. She told me to stay busy.
The women's meeting was nice, I suppose, but I could hardly stay present for any of it, and everyone was annoying me. We headed over to Mud afterwards for lunch. And then we talked. And talked. And talked. Pixie and I can go on forever in conversation, and by the end of it, I was feeling present and actually (maybe?) a little good (?) again.
But back at home, the "bad" started to creep back in. I want to call him. I want to call him, but I can't, because I want to have some self-respect too. Cherubino is right-- I'm not confused, but rather, I'm conflicted. In any case, I talked to VJ on the phone for a while and then headed over to Union Square to meet StarGazer. We went to see American Gangster at the movies.
We should have guessed how insane a Saturday night movie in Union Square would be... we ended up having to sit in the third row. I didn't care though... that just put me closer to Denzel's gorgeous face, and I'll never complain about that!!
And so, I'm home now and it's nearly 2:00 AM and there's that damn anxiety again... and the pain...
("You know I love you," he said. That doesn't make it okay.)
But here's my dilemma-- he won't apologize because he can't apologize. I don't think he's capable of apologizing for this one (because that would mean taking a little personal responsibility). And so, where does that leave me? Holding my ground and never talking to him again? Or compromising myself and calling him at some point? Both of those options suck. They just suck!!!
"Maybe there's a third option," Pixie said. "Maybe you can't see it, but God sees it, so you should just do nothing and hang on right now."
I wish I could think that way, I really do.
My God is beauty and order and connectivity and meaning and fate and the enormous fabric of the great human whole. But my God does not watch over me and protect me and give me the things that I need. I wish I could have faith in a God like that, but it died for me long, long ago.
I don't have faith enough to let go. I am trying to be my own rock, my own God in a sea of chaos, stalwart against the crashing waves of Narc. I have nothing to fear because I can trust that I am unmovable. But I can't feel better right now unless I can trust letting go. Letting go. Letting go? Fucking impossible. I fucking can't do it.
I can't.
I am so incredibly angry with him, and yet I find myself aching for the phone to ring. Why???
What do I plan to do when it does?
love,
h
On Wednesday evening I had a voice lesson. My teacher assigned me two new arias-- "Traft ihr das Schiff im Meere" from Dutchman and "Madre, pietosa Vergine" from Forza. From there, I headed straight to Penn Station and out to Long Island. I didn't want to have to make the trip on Thursday morning, as I would have had to cut straight through the Macy's parade.
Anyway, my mom picked me up at the other end and back at her house, I sang her some of the songs I'm working on. LilSis and JBC came home; my stepfather and stepbrother came home; we ate some dinner. Later, I made Swedish meatballs until after midnight at my mom's request. She has been taking old boxes out of storage and had some of my things for me to go through. There were stacks and stacks of old diaries (I was a seriously prolific kid!!) and they were kind of sad to look through. I wrote a poem entitled "alcoholism" when I was only 11. Weird, right? There was also a box of old clothes that had a pile of stuff belonging to B.
Before bed that night, Narc called. He had obliterated himself. All he could say was something like "save me" and "I'm screwed." I could barely understand him through his thick slurring, and besides that, James was ranting and chanting and singing something in the background. It was a little disturbing and didn't help me get to sleep.
Thanksgiving morning brought more cooking. I helped my mom make the turkey and stuffing and then I made potatoes and spent an hour french-cutting string beans for her. I also made sugar free pumpkin pies (as I'm currently off sugar) and they came out delicious. We normally have about 20 people at our thanksgiving, although this year, we were cut in half, as BigSis and Bro-in-Law went to the Dominican Republic on vacation, and my aunt and cousins Jail and Jol were all in Florence, and Bro-in-Law's sister and her husband and the kids didn't come. It was a very chill Thanksgiving, but a very nice one.
My mom took me back to the train at around 9:30. When I was on my way home, Narc called. He was, once again, wasted beyond belief. He kept saying he had to talk to me about something. I told him I'd call him when I got back to my place.
This is the part of the story I want to skip, as I'm not in a place to think about it any more than necessary, and I certainly don't want to write about it.
To make a long story short, by the end of the night, I was in tears and I can't talk to him again unless he can muster some sort of apology. Thank god StarGazer was there for me to cry to... and Bezoukhoff helped me through a lot of it too.
I slept in on Friday, barely able to breathe because my heart was stuffed into my throat and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. It was a nice escape from myself to go meet Anxious for lunch at the Cafe Orlin in the East Village. We chatted over coffee and lunch for a good two hours. She is planning on moving out to LA in a few months (to do a Spanish language and literature PhD at UCLA) and so, we are going to try to squeeze in a few more dates before she goes.
After we parted ways, I walked along St. Mark's and bought some mittens and a new amethyst. (A girl can never have too many amethysts!). Pixie sent me a text that she was nearby, so I headed over to Yaffa Cafe to meet her (not to be confused with Yaffa's in Tribeca where Narc and I used to hang out). We had a great conversation while I ate grilled calamari. I really needed her advice, as I was still spinning a bit from what had gone down the previous night. I just didn't want to be in my own skin anymore. From there, Pixie went to a meeting, and I headed home to meet Bezoukhoff.
Bezoukhoff, Pixie and I all had tickets to see Ute Lemper in concert that night at Joe's Pub. I put on glittering purple eye-makeup and a wig and Bezoukhoff renamed me "Isoldebella." We at some of my (sugar-free) pumpkin pie, listened to Kurt Weill, the Mozart Requiem and portions of Cabaret, and then headed back downtown to meet up with Pixie.
The Ute concert was phenomenal!! She sang so many of my favorites-- songs from The Blue Angel, some Edith Piaf, some Jacques Brel, of course the Brecht and Weill stuff, Philip Glass' "Streets of Berlin." She slunk around the stage in a draped black dress and a red boa. Like I said-- phenomenal!
It was freezing outside when we exited the bar. Pixie went home and Bezoukhoff headed back to my place where we examined the royal family trees of Britain, the German principalities, Greece and Russia before I bid him adieu and headed to bed.
I couldn't sleep. My heart was in my throat again.
Narc, Narc, Narc.
He texted me just after 2:00 AM: Can't sleep. Are you up? Wanna talk?
I gripped the phone in my shaking hand for a while before I responded.
I have nothing to say after last night, I wrote.
"K," was his answer.
"K"?????? "K"?!?!??! That was it?!?!?!
Now I was even more anxious than before. I texted my sponsor, and then somehow, by the grace of God, eventually got to sleep.
This morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. It felt like my tongue was made of cotton-- a feeling that I've gotten used to being without now that I've stopped drinking and drugging. I just wanted to stay under the covers. I peered over the top of my comforter. When did my room turn into a pig sty?
Pixie called (thank god!) and asked if I wanted to go to a 1:00 PM women's meeting with her. I agreed. It was good to have something to get me out of the house. I talked to Cherubino. She told me to stay busy.
The women's meeting was nice, I suppose, but I could hardly stay present for any of it, and everyone was annoying me. We headed over to Mud afterwards for lunch. And then we talked. And talked. And talked. Pixie and I can go on forever in conversation, and by the end of it, I was feeling present and actually (maybe?) a little good (?) again.
But back at home, the "bad" started to creep back in. I want to call him. I want to call him, but I can't, because I want to have some self-respect too. Cherubino is right-- I'm not confused, but rather, I'm conflicted. In any case, I talked to VJ on the phone for a while and then headed over to Union Square to meet StarGazer. We went to see American Gangster at the movies.
We should have guessed how insane a Saturday night movie in Union Square would be... we ended up having to sit in the third row. I didn't care though... that just put me closer to Denzel's gorgeous face, and I'll never complain about that!!
And so, I'm home now and it's nearly 2:00 AM and there's that damn anxiety again... and the pain...
("You know I love you," he said. That doesn't make it okay.)
But here's my dilemma-- he won't apologize because he can't apologize. I don't think he's capable of apologizing for this one (because that would mean taking a little personal responsibility). And so, where does that leave me? Holding my ground and never talking to him again? Or compromising myself and calling him at some point? Both of those options suck. They just suck!!!
"Maybe there's a third option," Pixie said. "Maybe you can't see it, but God sees it, so you should just do nothing and hang on right now."
I wish I could think that way, I really do.
My God is beauty and order and connectivity and meaning and fate and the enormous fabric of the great human whole. But my God does not watch over me and protect me and give me the things that I need. I wish I could have faith in a God like that, but it died for me long, long ago.
I don't have faith enough to let go. I am trying to be my own rock, my own God in a sea of chaos, stalwart against the crashing waves of Narc. I have nothing to fear because I can trust that I am unmovable. But I can't feel better right now unless I can trust letting go. Letting go. Letting go? Fucking impossible. I fucking can't do it.
I can't.
I am so incredibly angry with him, and yet I find myself aching for the phone to ring. Why???
What do I plan to do when it does?
love,
h
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksgiving
A lot has been going on over the past few days... On Saturday night, I went to a birthday dinner for B. StarGazer came with me. It was at a little Burmese place in the East Village. I had a good time, but I have to say-- B has a really odd group of friends.
Afterwards, StarGazer and I went for a walk. We stopped by the Perry Street Workshop (a place for AA meetings) and we saw a guy almost choke to death before another guy frantically saved him with the Heimlich maneuver, all while some girl was screaming "Call 911!!"
The street outside was packed with snow, even though it hasn't snowed here. It was odd, but I later found out that it was because they were filming a scene for the Sex in the City movie over there.
After that I went to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show-tunes for the next two hours. I sighted SingMan across the piano. We made acknowledging eye-contact, but that was about it.
Later that night, I went down to see Narc. It was fine. Well... fine. Nothing new there. I was so hyper after the singing that my arrival there felt a little like a downer. The next afternoon we went out for Vietnamese food and talked and talked and talked (about mostly nothing, however...).
Later that day, I curled up in bed, ignored the rain and finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.
On Monday I went to therapy in the morning-- a sort of "emergency" extra session since I'm going through so much confusion with all of this Narc shit right now. My therapist has an interesting theory about my behavior-- He suggested that because of the chaos I grew up with that it's important to me to be 100% unswerving and stable and devoted and never, ever break a promise, because I am being the parent that I wished for. So, I am being that way to Narc... but in doing so, I trap myself. Anyway, it was more developed than that, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now.
Then, I started to do a little reading in preparation for my next paper. I also got a pedicure. Later that night, I met StarGazer, Pixie and Meema at a diner on the Upper West Side before heading over to a show at the Beacon Theater-- The Swell Season-- Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and a group of backup musicians including a cellist and a violinist. Martha Wainright opened for them. The concert was fucking amazing. I haven't had a live music experience like that in a long time. It made me want to write poetry. Pixie was crying next to me the whole time. I love being friends with emotional and slightly fucked up girls. We definitely all "get" each other.
I got into bed at around 1:00 AM last night and fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour or so later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He wanted me to come down and watch Scarface with him.
"I'm asleep though," I said, wanting to be convinced.
"You can sleep on the couch while we watch," he said. "Just come cuddle with me."
"I don't know..."
"Well, I don't want to drag you here."
"That's not very convincing, Narc!"
"Hyde, just come here now!" he said, finally delivering the bossiness I love from him.
"Ok."
As you can see, I send mixed signals and don't really help myself at all.
So, I went. We watched Scarface. I dozed off on the couch. He cooked a sausage and drank "King's Tea." We went to bed and had lots of sex.
Maybe I'm still in love with him? I thought. No... I'm not. Well, yes, I am. I feel so comfortable with him. My body wants to be next to his. It's just natural. That's not love. That's habit. But I DO love him. So what? What does that have to do with anything?
Anyway, we woke up this morning and had more sex. Narc asked where I wanted to go for lunch. We had been joking about going to "Hooters" the night before (something that made me nostalgic for my days with VJ!). Suddenly, though, James called and Narc turned around and made lunch plans with him without saying a word to me about it! He didn't apologize or invite me. I don't know why I was surprised. It was just a bitter reminder that Narc is Narc is Narc. So, I got dressed with a grimace on my face and blew out of there as quickly as possible.
AA was fun tonight. After the meeting I went out with a group of friends to the diner and stayed until just after midnight. I want to go get into bed and catch up on my soap opera. But I figured if I didn't update now, I might not until after the holiday... and by then, my whole world may have changed. Who knows what fate will throw in my path!
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to catch up with Hammer. Then I have a voice lesson and then I'm heading out to Long Island.
In case I'm not back sooner, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all! We all have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful just for being able to feel grateful. Just for being able to feel anything at all.
I'm starting to understand the beauty of life on life's terms... acceptance... even if not everything is the way I want it to be.
love,
h
By the way-- my cat's personality is changing. Is it possible for a cat's personality to change? He is so much more aggressive about getting my attention lately. He used to ignore me a lot more. Strange...
Afterwards, StarGazer and I went for a walk. We stopped by the Perry Street Workshop (a place for AA meetings) and we saw a guy almost choke to death before another guy frantically saved him with the Heimlich maneuver, all while some girl was screaming "Call 911!!"
The street outside was packed with snow, even though it hasn't snowed here. It was odd, but I later found out that it was because they were filming a scene for the Sex in the City movie over there.
After that I went to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show-tunes for the next two hours. I sighted SingMan across the piano. We made acknowledging eye-contact, but that was about it.
Later that night, I went down to see Narc. It was fine. Well... fine. Nothing new there. I was so hyper after the singing that my arrival there felt a little like a downer. The next afternoon we went out for Vietnamese food and talked and talked and talked (about mostly nothing, however...).
Later that day, I curled up in bed, ignored the rain and finished reading Eat, Pray, Love.
On Monday I went to therapy in the morning-- a sort of "emergency" extra session since I'm going through so much confusion with all of this Narc shit right now. My therapist has an interesting theory about my behavior-- He suggested that because of the chaos I grew up with that it's important to me to be 100% unswerving and stable and devoted and never, ever break a promise, because I am being the parent that I wished for. So, I am being that way to Narc... but in doing so, I trap myself. Anyway, it was more developed than that, but I don't feel like thinking about it right now.
Then, I started to do a little reading in preparation for my next paper. I also got a pedicure. Later that night, I met StarGazer, Pixie and Meema at a diner on the Upper West Side before heading over to a show at the Beacon Theater-- The Swell Season-- Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova and a group of backup musicians including a cellist and a violinist. Martha Wainright opened for them. The concert was fucking amazing. I haven't had a live music experience like that in a long time. It made me want to write poetry. Pixie was crying next to me the whole time. I love being friends with emotional and slightly fucked up girls. We definitely all "get" each other.
I got into bed at around 1:00 AM last night and fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour or so later, my phone rang. It was Narc. He wanted me to come down and watch Scarface with him.
"I'm asleep though," I said, wanting to be convinced.
"You can sleep on the couch while we watch," he said. "Just come cuddle with me."
"I don't know..."
"Well, I don't want to drag you here."
"That's not very convincing, Narc!"
"Hyde, just come here now!" he said, finally delivering the bossiness I love from him.
"Ok."
As you can see, I send mixed signals and don't really help myself at all.
So, I went. We watched Scarface. I dozed off on the couch. He cooked a sausage and drank "King's Tea." We went to bed and had lots of sex.
Maybe I'm still in love with him? I thought. No... I'm not. Well, yes, I am. I feel so comfortable with him. My body wants to be next to his. It's just natural. That's not love. That's habit. But I DO love him. So what? What does that have to do with anything?
Anyway, we woke up this morning and had more sex. Narc asked where I wanted to go for lunch. We had been joking about going to "Hooters" the night before (something that made me nostalgic for my days with VJ!). Suddenly, though, James called and Narc turned around and made lunch plans with him without saying a word to me about it! He didn't apologize or invite me. I don't know why I was surprised. It was just a bitter reminder that Narc is Narc is Narc. So, I got dressed with a grimace on my face and blew out of there as quickly as possible.
AA was fun tonight. After the meeting I went out with a group of friends to the diner and stayed until just after midnight. I want to go get into bed and catch up on my soap opera. But I figured if I didn't update now, I might not until after the holiday... and by then, my whole world may have changed. Who knows what fate will throw in my path!
Tomorrow afternoon I'm going to catch up with Hammer. Then I have a voice lesson and then I'm heading out to Long Island.
In case I'm not back sooner, HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all! We all have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful just for being able to feel grateful. Just for being able to feel anything at all.
I'm starting to understand the beauty of life on life's terms... acceptance... even if not everything is the way I want it to be.
love,
h
By the way-- my cat's personality is changing. Is it possible for a cat's personality to change? He is so much more aggressive about getting my attention lately. He used to ignore me a lot more. Strange...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Reflections
I need to give myself permission...
If I end things... if I stop loving him... if I let "forever" have an ending... how can I ever trust my own word again? How can "always" mean anything when I've told lies like that to my own heart?
I am a liar.
But maybe I need to give myself permission to be a liar... Maybe it's not such a bad thing to have been wrong.
(But maybe it is...)
This is all about who I am in the world and whether or not I can trust myself...
love,
h
If I end things... if I stop loving him... if I let "forever" have an ending... how can I ever trust my own word again? How can "always" mean anything when I've told lies like that to my own heart?
I am a liar.
But maybe I need to give myself permission to be a liar... Maybe it's not such a bad thing to have been wrong.
(But maybe it is...)
This is all about who I am in the world and whether or not I can trust myself...
love,
h
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