Worried

I was on my way to school this morning when I got an incoherent text from Narc. I wrote back with a question mark. Then he called. He couldn't speak. His words were so slurred that I could barely make anything out. I asked if he had just gotten home. He said he hadn't been to sleep yet. He said he couldn't go to sleep because he was "surrounded by movies," (or something like that.) Then he asked me to come down there.

"I can't. I'm teaching," I said. "But are you sure you're okay?"

"Um, no," he answered.

Now what was I supposed to do?

I told him that if he wanted to see me later that he should call me when he wakes up.

"Why don't you call me?" he insisted.

"Okay, if that's what you want..."

"We're done now, Hyde," he said. And then he hung up the phone.

I'm worried about him. I really wish he weren't doing coke with James. It's so dangerous given his circulation problems. And he had really pretty much stopped doing coke until the past six months. I wish I could say something or do something, but I know how I used to react to people who had a problem with my drug use. It's not going to make a bit of difference.

I wish I weren't thinking about this right now. I have five minutes til class and I'm going to get reviewed today.

Yuck...

I just had to get it out somewhere...

love,
h

Normalization

I figured I'd write something quick, as I was intending to post all day and never got around to it. Bezoukhoff is over right now, returning a phone call in the other room.

Anyway, yesterday when after I got out of teaching, I got a text from Narc saying something to the effect of "You were supposed to wake me up by blowing me!!" to which I replied "You really wanted me to?" I told him I didn't want to disturb his sleep because I was up so early, but I was sure he'd have another chance for that.

How soon can you come back over? he asked.

I told him not until after AA later that night. He told me to come by when I could and that in the meantime he was "taking care of himself."

I'm not quite sure what's going on with us right now, but I'm too sick of analyzing to bother analyzing right now.

Tuesday was a long day and I was anxious to get out of AA and go down to see Narc. I spoke to NDN in the afternoon and he gave me some big news-- he quit his job! I haven't really had a chance to talk it all out with him yet though. After AA, Talis, my old sponsor, was all of a sudden super friendly to me. She usually doesn't even say hello, so I found her sudden display of affection a little annoying. I wasn't sure if it was done for the benefit of Meema who was standing nearby.

Anyway, I "took care" of Narc when I got to his place, and then we had a pretty chill night watching TV. It was raining out and I liked being indoors with him against the backdrop of wind and lightning. He played me the "Iran so far" sketch on YouTube, we watched Boston Legal, an old episode of Sex in the City and part of Steven Seagal's Hard to Kill. I was dead tired and falling asleep on the couch. It was weird to be back there for a third night in a row, though. It was too domestic--as if I lived there. There was really no drama at all.

I had a very strange dream last night. In it, my hair was falling out in clumps. I was with Narc and he had to leave me to go pick up Hammer from the airport. They were in the middle of some conversation upon their return, and wouldn't let me join in. I kept trying to get attention from them, but neither of them was interested in me at all and I felt jealous and abandoned. It was weird. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't quite sure what to think...

Anyway, this morning we slept in for a while and then had to clear out because his maid was coming. He went to Landmarc to meet James and I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff for a study session. On my way there, I called Hammer. She was stressed out that ProfPP is the professor who's going to be interviewing her for the Fulbright, and there is some tension between them ever since she ditched him to make ProfSex her dissertation advisor.

Bezoukhoff and I talked about our papers over tea and then sat down to get some serious work done. I put in about four hours there, which is more than I've done in a while, and I'm glad that I did it. I had to head out in the late afternoon, though, because I had a voice lesson. Bezoukhoff agreed to meet me at my place later.

My voice lesson was great. I am so much better than I was 2 weeks ago. I've been having trouble rebuilding strength in the muscles I need to sing ever since the surgery. I also have to re-learn muscle support, but it's going okay. My voice was pretty full and I had a decent amount of support under the B-flats. I was especially loving singing the Verdi.

Alvaro, io t'amo!

Back in my neighborhood, I met Bezoukhoff at the Amish Market and then we came over to my place where I sang arias until I was about ready to croak while he cooked us dinner. We watched some TV (he even tolerated "One Life to Live" for me. What a guy!) and that brings me to right now.

I'm getting observed in class tomorrow, so I need to make sure I get a decent night's sleep and wake up a little early to get my stuff together. So... I'm gonna get off the computer in a few.

I never detailed that weird night that Narc and I had on Sunday night, but maybe I'll just let it go. I don't know... we'll see if I have energy to relive that later in the week. I've seen him so much lately that I'm kind of glad to be back in my own house and my own bed tonight.

Wish me luck with my review!

love,
h

"If you want me..."

It's been a strange two days... spent most of it with Narc. I went down there on Sunday night. We met at Grace. I'll have to report on that evening when I have slightly more time. (Hammer says the two of us should have a reality show!).

On Monday morning I left to meet Hammer at the Tea Spot. (I guess it was more like Monday afternoon). I actually managed to outline my fascism paper. Once Hammer got there, though, we didn't get much work done. We had a lot of gossiping to catch up on. It was hot out, but we strolled through Washington Square Park anyway. Pixie stopped by to say hi on her way to an AA meeting. I went to hear her speak at that very meeting at 2:00 PM. She was great, and I'm so glad to be her friend.

Afterwards, Narc texted. He had just gotten out of bed from when I had left him that morning. (He had a considerable amount to drink the night before). He wanted me to come back to his place and to take a walk to Chinatown for dumplings. When I got there, though, he said he had just gotten an email about a meeting on the Upper West Side and had to leave in half an hour. So, we had quickie sex and then left together, sharing a cab uptown. We saw a crazy, homeless woman wandering on the sidewalk.

"When I see people like that, I'm grateful I got sober," I said.

"Yeah-- I'd see you in 40 years and trip over you living in the gutter," he laughed.

"It would be bad."

"What am I saying?" he shook his head, "I'd probably be in the gutter right next to you."

"Yeah-- there we'd be, still complaining that we're in the same rut; still wasting all of our days and passing the nights together."

Narc asked if I had walked by any of the filming for the new Sex in the City movie.

"Not yet," I said.

I told him about my favorite episode-- when Big has his heart troubles.

"I remember that one," he said. "He turns all cold in the morning."

"Don't you know what that's like?" I smiled, "to say things in the night and negate them by acting as if they were never said in the light of day."

He didn't answer.

Anyway, I kissed him goodbye on my corner, hopped out of the cab, showered, polished my nails, ate a subway wrap and headed to AA. I felt incredibly restored and re-centered having gone to two meetings in one day.

Originally I had plans to meet up with Jake for dinner, but he called and pushed it off til Wednesday. Narc texted me again that he was out in the West Village with some friends and asked if I wanted to meet up later. I told him that I had to go to bed early because I was teaching the next morning.

Not too late. Let you know, he wrote.

He ended up writing just after 11:00 PM, asking me to come to his place. So, I did, contingent on the promise that we would be to bed early.

At his place we smoked cigarettes and talked about meditation (and he becoming a goat-herder and I becoming a nun on the same mountain-top) and he made me play Halo-3. I wasn't very good at it, but I was much better at navigating the terrain than I was when I first picked up a controller a few years ago to try Resident Evil.

No matter how much I had been hating him for the night before, things seemed restored. I felt close to him again that night. I told him that I love him. He said the same.

Anyway, I just got to my office and have some things to print out and some emails to answer before starting class. So... I'll be back with an account of Sunday night later.

Until then...

love,
h

Perspective

The opera was, well... Mozart! Mellifluous, shimmering and compact.

I went to bed at a fairly decent hour on Friday night (I think it was around 2:00 AM?) and woke up at about 10:30 on Saturday morning, so I got a good night's sleep for once! My mom came and picked me up at nearly 1:00 PM, a little late, and complaining about traffic in the tunnel.

It was nice to be back at the opera-- a true harbinger of Fall, despite the nearly 90-degree weather!

Afterwards, she dropped me off at my place and I had a quiet night in. I talked to Pixie on the phone for a while (to hear the gossip about her date on Friday!) and then I talked to Liu on the phone for a really long time, which was awesome, because I miss her a lot and we haven't had a good chat in a while.

This morning the Time Warner people showed up to fix my intermittent Internet access and cable box problems. I really hope this takes care of everything once and for all.

I'm trying to decide what to do with myself today-- get started on my work, like I'm supposed to, or take an hour or two to clean my house first (it's reaching the unbearable point again).

In any case, I'm feeling a little more sane today, and yesterday too, I suppose. Perspective. Why is it so hard to come by?

Happy Sunday!

love,
h

"Words Fall Through Me"

I'm home now and expectations will be the death of me. Expecting what I shouldn't expect. So many expectations.

I just got back from Anxious' 32nd birthday event-- drinks at a place called Sortie on the West Side. I chatted with Bulgi for quite a while. It seems like another lifetime in which I knew the Bulgi at Cheers, in which I invited him back here late nights. Did that ever happen-- the time when he missed the toilet peeing in Narc's bathroom?

Earlier in the evening, Meema and I went to go see Once. Glen Hansard looks a lot like Narc, but smaller and with rounder features and bluer eyes. But they both have that scruffy red beard.

The movie was kind of awesome. We bumped into two other girls from AA in the theater. We also bumped into some Simchat Torah "rejoicing" on E 12th Street.

And I spent the morning with Narc. I went over there last night after AA because he wanted to "come in my mouth" and because I love him. We hung out at his place watching TV and went to bed early.

This morning I went with him to meet with his building management. (He has received more than a few noise violation complaints and needed the moral support in the meeting!). Afterwards, we had brunch at Petite Abeille.

From there, we both had a little time to kill before I was off to therapy and he was off to do whatever... (get a massage?), so we decided to take a walk. We walked down to Battery Park and stared out at the water. We saw the ghost of a three mast ship. Then we went to visit Narc's ducks. He fed them saltine crackers that I had in my bag.

My therapist tells me that I am grappling with an Apollonian/Dionysian spiritual struggle. I gained a lot of insight about a lot of things in the session today, but don't have it in me to sort through it for the blog right now. I felt better about myself afterwards, though, and more at peace with my choices in general.

Tomorrow I'm going to the opera with my mom. It's our first opera of the season and we're going to see Figaro.

I guess that's it for now. My eyes are stinging, but my makeup is still sparkling.

I'm thinking of a picture that Narc emailed to me this afternoon-- a "sad bear."

He had told me some tragic story about his 11th birthday. When I answered his email I signed it "love you." I am such a dork.

Anyway, I need to stop this. I kind of want to be with Narc again tonight, but even more than that, I want to be okay right where I am. Today can be okay "as is," right?

Sometimes I feel very far away. I want to feel a pulse.

Good night to you all.

love,
h

"Our Dried Voices"

I feel like I'm living in some strange aftermath of last week's events. (Or maybe it's just the anaesthesia wearing off... I had to go for an endoscopy this morning). I do feel much more like "myself" ever since I had that talk with Cherubino, but I also feel much sadder. There's a tragic knot in my life that simply can not be untangled: I love Narc. I can't change him; nor can I afford to adjust my life to meet him on his terms. It's that simple. I can not see the solution.

I'm certainly not in the right frame of mind to rehash everything that happened on Sunday night, but to make a long story short, I met him and James at a bar called Grace in Tribeca at around 1:00 AM. They were already both drunk when I arrived. We stayed until about 4:30 AM and the two of them proceeded to get wasted-- Narc, barely able to speak or find the back of his bar-stool, while James, bounding around, eyes rolling back from all of the blow. And I loved being there.

A lot of strange conversations were had. James invited me for a movie night on Tuesday, but I said I couldn't go because I had to be a "milk maid" and bring milk to 400 people.

"Don't worry, I wouldn't have gone, even if I could have," I later told Narc. "I know that you don't want me to interact and mix in with your friends."

He was silent for a moment. Then he leaned back in his chair. I thought he might fall off of it.

"You've never managed to insult me before, Hyde, but you just did! I'm offended. Didn't think you could do it, but you did."

"What??? How is that offensive to you? Isn't that the truth?"

I pointed out that he's had dozens of parties and dinners and hundreds of nights out drinking with other friends in the time that I've known him and never once has he invited me along for any of it.

"It's your choice," I said, "but I'm just saying-- I know you don't want me there, so I wouldn't make you uncomfortable and show. That's all."

Later on, James was talking about his divorce and his kids and said something about how he wanted his wife to have an abortion when she first got pregnant. Then he apologized to me.

"I know about you and N," he said.

I was confused. He seemed to know a lot about me. I thought Narc never talked about me to anyone. I thought he pretended that I didn't exist. But there I go-- wrong about him again.

Anyway, not much else that transpired is worth noting-- the bartender had a Pink Floyd tattoo on his ass and let us light up after-hours, James claimed to fall in love with some French girl at the other end of the bar, I just wanted to take care of Narc. When we left to walk home, James was leagues behind us and I held Narc's hand. He was stumbling and I was really afraid he would fall and get very hurt. I told him that I loved his hands.

James showed up back at Narc's place. By this point, it must have been 5:00 AM and neither of them were making very much sense. Nevertheless, they cracked open a bottle of champagne and downed it between the two of them. Narc broke a champagne glass. There was a debate about Wagner and then Philip Glass. The word "wanker" was liberally tossed around. Narc called James a "moron." I just wanted to go to sleep. We all smoked a few semi-stale black&gold's. Narc and James fought about "the Doors."

At around 6:00 AM, Narc told James to leave.

"Get out! I want to go to bed with my girl," he kept saying.

Even though I knew his brain was semi-obliterated, I loved that he called me "my girl." James made some lewd comments about what we would do when he left. I blushed.

It scares me how much I love alcohol... how much I just still vicariously want to be around it. It is sick, sick, sick. It scares me how powerful this disease, this obsession, can be-- even now. Just to be near what was truly the greatest love of my life...

In any case, James finally left just after 6:00 AM, Narc stripped my clothes off me and kissed me ferociously, telling me that he loves me. I was buckling. I told him that I love him too, "so, so much," and I meant it. I was losing it.

"I love you from my heart," he kept saying, "not in that fake worship way, but in my heart, Hyde."

He wanted to have unprotected sex. He put his head at the foot of the bed. I wondered if he would remember anything in the morning. I am in love with a phantom. Truly, a phantom.

But it was a beautiful night for me (if I ignored the fact that he was literally out of his mind), and I let myself enjoy it for what it was.

We didn't go to sleep until after 8:00 AM.

The next day, despite all of the work I had to do, I did none of it. Narc continued to be physically affectionate in the morning, and sex was filled with strange new intimacies. I wasn't sure how to read anything that was happening. But I felt my heart sinking again.

I lied to my sponsor when I called her to check in. I told her I was "doing work."

"Why don't you tell her you spent the day with a dick up your ass?" he laughed.

I laughed too, but there was a hollow place inside my chest that told me that it wasn't funny. There was a hollow voice inside my ear that told me I was in danger. I was ignoring that hollowed sound. I wanted to bury my face in his flesh and drown out that empty ringing.

We bought him a gyro sandwich and went back to his place to watch Rock of Love, the series finale. Narc always calls the winners on reality shows. I was feeling a little sick.

"Aww," he said, stroking my hair.

My Cousin Vinny was showing on TV. We had some more sex, relocating to the bathroom. He pissed on me and masturbated over me. I just wanted to be at his feet. I just wanted self-annihilation. I just wanted to give myself away. I think that's what I did. I think that's exactly what I did.

Something intense... something too personal... I don't know if it sounds sick or crazy, but it brought us closer.

I had to re-shower and leave in time to get to AA. He had to read some script for a friend. As soon as I exited into the "real world," I felt like a fraud, lost, a liar, dirt. Greeting people "hello" at AA, I felt dirty, but pleased with my secret, and wanting nothing more than to run back to him. I wasn't present in that meeting Monday night. I forgot why I was going to AA at all... I wrote Narc a text... a text about a secret between the two of us. "You're a dirty girl," he said in his response. I felt that to be true. But the hollowing was growing, scooping out my insides. Suddenly, I didn't belong anywhere.

I hadn't done my work all afternoon. I wanted to do it that night, but I couldn't. I was too tired after the continued lack of sleep. I felt leagues away from the girl who is a student, a teacher, a daughter, a friend. I only wanted to be a girl who belongs to Narc. I am in danger. I knew it. I sat on my couch. I called Cherubino and started to spill to her, but she was in the subway and had to call me back. Then I got a text from Narc.

Just beat Halo 3. Yay! How's the library? he asked me.

Hyde: Yay!! That was fast. Are you sad it's over? Working at home now. So exhausted. Need to take better care of my sleep. Today was Rochie's bday. How was meeting with Dave

Narc: Dave bumped meeting til tomorrow, which worked out great as I wouldn't have finished the play in time at any rate!

Hyde: That's good. You and I both didn't get our shit done. Just came clean to my sponsor about decadent afternoon. Just want to snuggle with Roch and watch the soaps now.

Narc: Aww!! Rochie is always reliable for a good cuddle. Will attempt bed soon myself...

Hyde: Yeah, well you and Roch are my boys to cuddle with. Sweet dreams tonight!

Narc: You too hon. Text me when you're masturbating and I'll do it with you.

I spoke to Cherubino after all that and she didn't judge me at all. She really did help. But I hate the reality that emerged. All I want to do is be with him, but it comes at the expense of everything else in my life. I'm "Mr. Hyde" with him, still. It comes at the expense of my health, my sleep, my program, my classes, my teaching, my honesty. She told me to make a schedule, to schedule him in if I want to, but to stick to a schedule. She also told me to write out a "First Step" on Narc. I felt better and worse all at the same time.

When I checked my phone upon awakening, I saw that Narc had sent me a text in the middle of the night. He was having bad dreams.

Yesterday was my crazy busy day and the havoc of my weekend caught up with me. I was exhausted while teaching, had to swap around my lesson plans, was unprepared for my German history class, and was dying on my feet at the AA meeting later that night. The only good part was that I got to see Hammer for a little while in the afternoon and I haven't been seeing that much of her lately. Narc and I exchanged a few texts in the afternoon. His movie night with James was postponed...

I finally got home after 9:00 PM and collapsed on the couch. Bezoukhoff came over and we watched some TV. Pixie is an actress and was on a major network TV show last night, so we had to watch! And of course, I talked through a lot of this stuff about Narc with Bezoukhoff. He gave me a new idea. The idea of "toying" with an idea... Narc "toys" with the idea of being in a relationship with me, I think. But he never means it. Anyway, I was grateful for sleep to come when it did.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm tired of writing. My throat feels hoarse. I am one of the "hollow men." I want to disappear into him. I want to disengage. I want to escape. But I also want the richness of life and of choice. It's looking more and more like I can't have both. I feel like there is a "tragedy" now intrinsic to my very being-- and not in a dramatic way. There is a quiet tragedy that composes me because I love, I love, I love. I love and I can't.

love,
h

Back to Step 1

Things are getting unmanageable. I lied to my sponsor (several times if you count "by omission"), Narc has taken to pissing all over me (which I'm not sure how to process), and I was out with Narc and James on Sunday night until 6:00 AM. I didn't write my lecture on China, nor have I finished the reading for my German history class. Oh, and I'm falling in love again, only it's different now-- somehow more realistic, which only makes it worse.

I need to salvage what I can. I called Cherubino tonight and fessed up and it felt soooo good. She was great. She helped me put things back in perspective and I forgot why I was afraid to talk to her to begin with.

I need to go to sleep. I didn't go to sleep until 8:00 AM last night/this morning. Tomorrow is my long day. I'm going to have to teach Byzantium and push China to Thursday.

I feel like things are so intense and so intimate with N right now. I feel so accepting. I feel accepted. I hope it's not an illusion. I know that it is temporary.

Anyway, that's it for now.

To bed for this one!

love,
h

PS: Happy Birthday Mr. Rochester! He is 5 years old today. :)