"To Thine Own Self Be True"

It's only now sinking in... the change, that is.

I spent the entire day today with my sponsor, working on my 8th step... Technically, I'm on "9" now, but I still need to do a little writing before I start making amends. We listened to Elvis songs and ordered in diner food and took a walk to get Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. As the evening approached, we watched Hilary and Jackie. I thought it was brilliant.

But now it's dark. My chest feels tight. She has gone home and I feel desperate. I feel alone. Something in me wants to break a window... to stab myself in the chest with a piece of glass. But that's just one thought. I have too much inertia to do anything other than type this post. And besides, I really don't want to stab myself in the chest, after all.

Well... let's get down to it.

Yesterday I overslept, as I had been up the previous night pacing my apartment, eating ice pops with Brick and grappling with Narc. I was supposed to meet Hammer and her parents at MoMA. Her aunt was in town as well... the infamous "All of Me" aunt. I got there an hour late and found them on the 5th floor. I took a cell phone pic of Hammer in front of "Yves Klein Blue." After the museum we walked around the design shop and then headed to Ben Ash for lunch. Hammer's mom drew a picture of a dress on a napkin. She just bought her dress for Lil'Hammer's wedding.

After lunch, Hammer and I parted ways from her family and walked down towards our school. We paused on 47th street where I tried on ruby rings. Then Hammer headed to school and I went to Pinkberry. That was it for the afternoon.

Later that night, StarGazer called me.

"Wanna go to Lasagna for dinner?" she asked.

"Sure."

And then I got a text from Narc.

With a few friends, still. Will give a call in a bit.

I got dressed to meet StarGazer and misplaced my phone somewhere in my bedroom. I had to leave the apartment without it, which made me anxious for obvious reasons. But dinner was nice.

"How was your day?" I asked her.

"Well, work is getting better," she said, "now that I'm happy."

It was strange to hear her say she was "happy." It gave me pause. Am I happy? As I sat there at the dinner table last night, I had to admit that I am. (Am I? I am.)

After dinner, she left for a meeting at the 79th street workshop. I headed home. I found my phone in my pajama drawer. Narc hadn't called. So, I called Hammer. Her parents were still out. She told me what her friend CurlyQ is up to. Hammer and I like to talk about CurlyQ's dating life.

At around 11:00, when I still hadn't heard from Narc, I decided to send him a text. The days of waiting around for him all night have come to an end.

Just back home, I said. Have to be up by 9:00 tomorrow, so going to bed by 1:00 AM. Just letting you know...

He called me not a moment later.

"Yeah, I was just wrapping up with Laurie and her friend," he said.

To tell you the truth, I don't remember exactly how this conversation went-- only a few of the things that were said.

Narc told me that he wants to get his life in order.

"I've been on replay... repeat for the past six years," he said. "I'm thinking about cutting out booze altogether."

I was surprised he brought that up to me.

"I have no regrets about it," I said.

"Yeah, but then I think-- can I really cut it out forever? I mean-- maybe that's a little extreme. I'm fine for the most part. I just have to avoid those crazy nights out with James."

"I can't think in terms of forever," I told him. "Just one day. That's it. 'Forever' scares me. I just recommit myself each morning to the things I do to bring my life to where I want it to go. And I thought I couldn't survive without alcohol, but I'm happy now," I said, thinking of my earlier conversation with StarGazer. "I don't drink, I don't have a boyfriend, I've put on a ton of weight and I am still sitting on my incompletes, but life is finally moving and I'm happier than I've ever been."

"I want to be too," he said.

I told him that my "diet" is the next thing on project-status for me.

"You can't try to do it all at once, Narc."

Anyway, the conversation went a lot of places from there. But neither of us said anything about getting together. He was sober, so of course things were awkward. I had to do the dirty work.

"So..." I began. "Do you want to get together tonight, or what?"

"Um..." his voice was a little flat. "Do you think that's a good idea, Hyde?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what you were saying last night. I don't want to fuck with your head, you know."

I felt soft... affectionate. It was okay.

"I think I'm the only one who can fuck with my head, Narc!" I laughed.

"How so?"

"It all depends on how I take it all in, right?"

"I don't think so," he countered. "Plenty of people have fucked with my head in the past."

Oh yeah... I forgot he hasn't done a Fourth Step.

"I don't know," I said. "But I do know that I don't want to get into this right now. I just can't stomach a heavy conversation right now."

"Me neither!"

He seemed hugely relieved. Then there was silence.

"So...?" I said again. "Should I come?"

Somehow I still couldn't choose. I like him to tell me what to do. I wanted him to make the decision for us.

He paused again.

"Yeah. Come down." His voice was low and decisive. I liked it.

"Okay," I said, breathlessly sweeping things into a bag. "Give me 20 minutes to get out of here."

My heart was pounding. POUNDING, POUNDING, POUNDING. I hadn't seen him since February 26th. I had put on weight. Would he say anything about that? Why did I care? I've never felt insecure about my body around him before. Why did it suddenly seem to be a pressing issue. I needed to see him. I needed to see him to put a lot of fears to rest.

I can't explain how or why and I know it makes no sense at all, but I knew that going there was the right thing to do.

I got into a cab. The phone rang. It was Pixie-- a friend of mine in AA who just got her six months. She was having a rough day. It was good to talk to her. It took my mind off of myself and what I was doing.

And then I was in Tribeca. My heart was still pounding... harder than ever now. I felt dizzy as I approached his building. The number on the awning seemed extra large to me.

I pushed open the heavy glass door. The doorman seemed surprised to see me.

"How have you been?" he asked. "How's the teaching going?"

"Um, fine," I said. I laughed as if I were comfortable. But my fear was mounting.

And then I was in the elevator. The air was thick with the smell of Narc's building... that peculiar and particular smell. I was disoriented when the elevator door opened. For a moment I didn't know which way to turn.

And then I was in front of his door. Part of me wanted to turn back, but I was determined to walk through this. So, I raised my fist and knocked.

He answered the door in boxers and a t-shirt.

"Oh, hey," he said, when he greeted me-- as if it were the most casual meeting in the world.

His body looked slimmer but his face looked fuller. It was weird. And he had on new glasses... greenish rimmed "Prada" glasses. He walked towards the couch. I scanned the room to take in the changes.

He had one of those black ladder bookshelves leaning up against the wall and a few humongous paintings on the wall, presumably done by PopStar's dad who is a fairly accomplished artist in Russia. There was a big cardboard box near the back end of the living room.

"She's still in the process of getting her stuff out," he offered.

"New shelves, new paintings, new pillows," I said, plopping down on the couch, and grabbing a few pillows around me for comfort.

Narc was watching Family Guy.

"Yeah," he said.

And then we just both started watching the TV. And I felt instantly at ease. We chatted and laughed and I realized that I missed him... really him... the real him and not the crazy fantasy scripted him (although I've obviously missed that man too.) I just genuinely missed my friend. ("Friend?")

Narc wanted to stretch out. He wanted to put his feet up, but there was no room unless he put his legs up on my lap, as he used to do. Neither of us had touched the other. He was positioned awkwardly half off the couch. I shifted to make it easier for him to put his feet on me. He took the cue and did. I was grateful for the contact. I put my hand around his ankle. It felt so familiar. So good.

So, we sat like that for a while-- talking, watching TV while I rubbed his legs. Then he got up.

"It's time for you to go to bed," he said. " You need to be up early in the morning."

"Oh... okay."

I wasn't tired and I was very nervous, but I followed him into the bedroom. Nothing had happened... no real touching, no kissing, nothing... so I wasn't sure what the protocol was. If clothes were going to come off, I had imagined it would have been in the "heat of the moment."

But he closed the blinds and started to strip down. I stood there watching him... and the underwear... were off! He got into bed, but left the lights on and didn't pull the covers up. I felt awkward and didn't want to be naked in front of him... not like that, at least. But I did it. I took off my clothes... all of them... and got into bed next to him.

It was so fucking weird.

This whole scene was SO FUCKING WEIRD.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just sort of snuggled up next to him and buried my face in his chest. He put his arm around me and caressed me a little bit. But none of it felt right. So... I did what I do when I don't know what to do... I moved down to give him a blow job. He pushed my head down. So, it seemed like I had made the right move.

I know he likes what I do in that department and he seemed to really appreciate it. I felt almost scared though. I don't even know what I was feeling. It wasn't long before he came in my mouth and that was even stranger. I don't mean to be gross and to go into too many details, but given that this is my blog and I was very confused, I'm just going to write about it. Something about having him inside me and inside my belly again was painful for me. I felt like my heart would break. But at the same time, it was a distant heartbreak-- one with no target. I felt so far removed from everyone and everything and even myself.

"I really needed that," he said. "God, I missed that."

And he seemed to be done. He climbed over me and shut the light.

Then I was just laying there and he was snuggling up with his pillow, apparently content and going to sleep. He hadn't touched me. He hadn't even kissed me. I guess he didn't want to, because he certainly could have.

So, I wedged my way between him and the pillow and buried my face in his chest and tried to breathe and tried not to cry.

Everything is FINE, Hyde! I kept telling myself. You're safe. You're okay. The drama is in your head. Nothing bad is happening. Just CHILL OUT.

I was restless though and couldn't stay settled there. His bed was still white on white on white-- what will forever be "Narc" to me-- but the pillow cases were edged with a sort of lace and there was a top-sheet to match. It was someone else's bed. It was PopStar's bed. I was in another woman's bed.

"I can't sleep Narc," I said. "I'm not tired."

He opened one eye.

"Are you going to take your makeup off?" he asked. "I think you should. It'll only take a sec."

He has never asked that of me before. Were these her sheets? Was she going to come pick up the bedding? I felt gross. But I did what he said and went to the bathroom.

I couldn't find anything to use to get the makeup off. I didn't want to put soap in my eyes. The bathroom was stuffed though-- stuffed with products carrying Russian labels. Why didn't she take that stuff with her? I picked up a few of the bottles to see if any of them were makeup removers. They all seemed to be moisturizers or lotions of some kind. I found a box of plastic press-on nails--long ones with a black and gold leopard print. Eww... somehow that made it all even grosser. I decided to try to get the mascara off with water alone. I rubbed wet toilet paper in my eyes and it hurt. Nothing was right, but nothing was wrong either. I went back into the bedroom.

Back in bed next to Narc, I wanted something from him... I wanted him to be with me... I'm not sure, at that point, if I wanted to have sex with him, but I didn't want to be ignored by him. I felt like I was in the room alone.

"This is weird, Narc," I said.

"What?"

"I feel weird, don't you?" I whispered.

"Maybe a little," he said. His eyes were still closed.

"I feel weird," I repeated.

"Just relax he said. "Stay still and close your eyes and go to sleep. You'll be okay."

He was wrong. I tossed around a few more times and then I tried to engage him sexually again. It worked for a little bit... kinda, sorta... not really. My cell phone buzzed. It was nearly 2:00 AM.

"Is that your phone?" he asked.

"What?"

"Your phone. Mine is off and in the other room."

"Oh. I guess it is."

I got up and grabbed the phone. Brick was calling. I got up out of the bed and picked it up.

"I'll just be a sec," I said to Narc.

"Are you okay?" I asked Brick, moving into the living room.

Brick let out a tirade of fear about how his boyfriend is cheating on him and about how he is freaking out. I tried to calm him down for a minute or two.

"I've gotta go, though," I told him. "It's kind of an awkward time right now."

"Oh my God, Hyde! Are you with Narc?"

"Yeah."

"Are you having sex?"

"Sort of."

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry... Go finish. Go finish and then call me back."

"I have to go. I'll call you later."

I had been careful not to say Brick's name, so Narc didn't know who called. I don't know why I cared.

"Good news? Bad news?" he asked when I came back into the bedroom.

"Oh, it's nothing," I said. "Don't worry about it." And I climbed back into bed with him.

Narc put his arm around me, but he wasn't present. I lay there and closed my eyes. I willed sleep to come but it was nowhere. It felt wrong. All of this was starting to feel wrong.

"I don't know if I can do this, Narc," I whispered again.

"Shhh..." His eyes were still closed and he patted my head.

"I think I may go home."

That got his attention. He opened his eyes and looked at me in the dark, half startled and half sad. My face was close to his, although still half on his chest.

"Go home? Now? Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't know if I can sleep here."

"You can't go home," he protested. "You have to wake up early. You should just get to sleep now."

"I don't know if I can."

"Why don't you take something?"

"I have nothing here to take."

"I can give you NyQuil," he said. "A little NyQuil will knock you right out."

"Yeah... but I'm not so sure I should take that," I said, wearily. "I think I should maybe just go home."

I could sense that he was really upset, but he didn't betray himself. He didn't say anything.

"Is that okay with you?" I asked, a plea in my voice.

"Yeah..." He seemed cold now. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you need to do, do it. If that's what you want..." His voice trailed off.

"I feel bad," I said, "But I just feel weird, you know? And I don't think I can sleep here."

I felt awful. Like I had violated something. Like I had torn apart some unspoken agreement. Like I was ripping everything we had ever had between us. I was nauseous with guilt.

"I think I have to," I said quietly. "I'm going to go."

"Okay." He was shut off now. Completely shut off.

I crawled up on top of him and kissed his cheek.

"Give me a hug," I said. "I really am sorry."

I squeezed him as tight as I could and in a flash scooped up my clothes and my phone.

"I'm gonna pee and then I'm gonna go," I said. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah, goodnight." He had already turned over and away.

Everything inside of me hurt.

I was sweaty and felt his cum in me like a rock. I called Brick back from the elevator.

"Where are you?" he asked.

I started to tell him what had happened.

"Want me to swing by and scoop you up in a cab?" I asked.

He agreed.

On my way to get Brick, I wrote Narc a text:

It was really nice to see you & I had a good time.

(All true. It was beautiful to see him. I really had missed him).

Sorry I couldn't stay, I said. Hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this. Lots of love...

I really, really do love Narc. I really love him.

When I met Brick it felt like a scene straight out of last summer. Me and Brick and Narc on my lips and Ben & Jerry's and a talk that went straight through til 4:00 AM.

Finally, Brick and I crawled into bed together. I felt relieved and safe and sad and so FUCKING SAD that I wanted to scream and break something, but I was too relieved and soft and cozy and tired to do anything except go to sleep.

Brick woke me up this morning with his "good morning" song. It felt worlds away from last night. We walked to Dunkin' Donuts and he bought me my first iced coffee of the day. Then I kissed him goodbye as he went off to his meeting. I felt grimy and gross in the heat. I returned to my apartment to await my sponsor.

Just before 10:00 AM, Narc texted me:

Slept well, though jackhammers woke me at 8:00 AM! You were right though, was a little weird. Maybe too soon.

His message left me relieved, but still sad. I have no regrets about having gone there. In a weird way, I feel closer to him and grateful for the fact that he struggles too. I thought about something he had said to me on Thursday night.

"Narc, you make me crazy!" I had said. "You're like taking a crazy pill or something."

"You don't have the monopoly on that," he told me. "Don't you know, you make me crazy too?"

I know it to be true.

Anwyay, I wrote back:

Yeah. But let's hang out again anyway with no expectations. And we'll see what happens. Sorry about the jackhammers. If you go to Dobb's Ferry, have fun! :)

Cherubino arrived at around 10:00 AM. I wasn't going to tell her any of what had happened. We had agreed to stop talking about Narc since I wasn't willing to take her suggestions. But I told her anyway because she is my friend.

And then I did my 8th step. She also had me write out a "sex ideal"-- everything that I want in a "partner." She said it was really important. I took my time with it.

And then she spent the entire day and we watched Hilary and Jackie.

And now it is dark and I am all alone again.

I feel sad and scared. I feel immobilized.

But I am looking at my "1-year-of-sobriety" coin. "To Thine Own Self Be True," it says.

I just want the night to turn into day again. I know I'll make it through, but I'm not in a good place tonight.

I really don't know who I am.

I love him, but I wanted to leave. And that bubble of "Hyde and Narc" that I thought I could return to? It wasn't there. It wasn't there for me. If it's gone... if it really is gone, I need to figure out a way to mourn. Because it feels like this is going to kill me.

Anyway, that's it for now... Hope you're all having a good night.

love,
h

Surprised

Much, much, MUCH to update! But alas, I have no time at the moment. Cherubino should be here any moment. We are going to start work on my 8th step.

But I learned a lot about myself last night. And I'm starting to feel like I have my higher power back.

love,
h

(PS: If Narc and I "had" an anniversary, today would be three years.)

Patience, Grasshopper!

Yesterday I taught the last class of the summer session (not counting Tuesday when I will be administering a final exam). I was glad for it to be over. Two and a half hour lectures are not an easy thing to do...

The rest of the afternoon I cleaned my apartment. I was feeling dead tired, but I did it anyway, as it really needed to be done.

Brick was supposed to meet me at my Thursday night AA meeting, but texted at the last minute that he couldn't make it. After the meeting I met him back at my place.

The sky was roaring with thunder and lightning last night, so although the rain hadn't broken, we decided to order in. We ate from Lasagna and Brick told me all about his new boyfriend. I sang Pace pace mio dio for him so that he could hear my new breathing technique. At around 11:00 PM we settled in on the couch to watch Dream Girls. Shortly after it started, Brick drifted off to sleep.

I liked the movie a lot, except I wasn't in love with the music... It all climaxed too fast and then stayed there at a fever pitch and I started to feel assaulted by all of the vocal runs and intense belting. In any case, I was having a nice cozy evening when my phone buzzed. It was a text from Narc.

**WARNING: If you are so fucking sick of "Hyde and Narc" that you can no longer bear it (as I sometimes feel), don't read on**

Restless tonight... Up? he wrote.

I froze. I wasn't sure what to say.

Yeah, was all I could muster. Then I waited...

Come down, he said.

I didn't answer.

Or I can come up, he followed.

I still didn't answer. But I could feel my dinner turning over in my stomach. I literally felt frozen. When is this ever going to stop??? I guess my long silence unnerved him because he wrote to me yet again:

Debating?

So, I finally replied: What to say to you? Yes...

Narc: So come down

Hyde: I've got someone on my couch tonight.

Narc: In the mood for a classic movie. We shall watch something great.

Hyde: I'm watching "Dream Girls" right now.

And then the phone rang.

"Hydeeeeeeen..."

"Can I call you back, Narc?" I asked. "The movie is really about to end."

"What part is it up to?"

"They're breaking up... I mean, it's really ending."

"That's only half way through!"

"No... not the first break up... look, trust me... I'll call you in 15 minutes."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

At this point, Brick had woken up.

"Hyde! What's going on?" he grinned at me. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing... Narc... You know..."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

I could do nothing but stare straight ahead. I really felt immobilized. Perfect ambivalence. Too many feelings.

"I'm going to move into the bedroom, okay?" Brick said, pulling himself up off the couch. "What are you going to do?"

"Call him back, I guess... because I said I would."

"Why don't you come in there with me and call from in there? That way you can't say anything too crazy..."

I did.

Narc wasn't drunk... maybe a tiny bit tipsy. But it didn't matter, he was out in full force trying to get me to come down there. I talked to him for a long time. I sort of wish I had blogged last night so that I could remember exactly what was said... a lot was said.

I told Narc that I ought to "start charging."

"For what?" he asked.

"For our visits. Really-- you call me when your depressed and restless to come fuck you... Why shouldn't I?"

"Hyde! I'm not depressed right now... I'm feeling great in fact... the best I've felt in weeks. And I want someone to watch a movie with."

"You want someone to watch a movie with? Anyone? So, it doesn't have to be me?"

"Of course, I want it to be you," he said, seemingly annoyed with me.

"I want you to come down here and watch a movie and then I'm going to fuck your brains out."

"Why do you want to watch a movie with me?" I asked, ignoring the latter part of what he just said.

"To tell you the truth, Hyde-- you are the most brilliant and intelligent of my friends who knows the least about movies. I like telling you stuff-- about how the movies were made, etc. and you're always into it-- like 'oh, really, Narc?'"

"I just don't think I can do this," I said.

"Why not???" He was getting frustrated with me.

"Because of how I feel."

"I thought you said you were over all that."

"Over all what?"

"I thought you said you were over all your feelings for me!" he laughed.

"What?!? When did I ever say that?"

"Last week! When we video chatted. That's what you said."

"I didn't say that, Narc! Why would I say that? I think I'm constitutionally incapable of 'getting over' my feelings just like that."

"Look, Hyde-- what's the big deal? You're going to come down here. You're going to watch a movie with me. And I'm going to fuck you until you can't anymore. So, come on."

"It's going to mess with me, Narc," I protested.

"How?"

"I'm going to feel in love with you again."

"How is it that my cumming in your face is going to make you fall in love with me?"

I started to laugh.

"Can I call you back?" I asked.

"Why?"

"I don't know... I need to go pray or something, okay?"

"Yeah, Hyde," he sighed. "Call me back."

When I hung up the phone I let out a groan and curled up on the bed. I felt destroyed. Brick got up and got me a purple ice pop. He ate a red one. (I thought of how VJ used to come over and eat the leftover orange ones).

"You're not going to go there, are you?" he asked.

"I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Hyde, you have tools to deal with this now."

"I don't want my tools," I whined.

But in all of this, I realized something... I think what attracts me to this with Narc is the act of giving in to him. That's where it peaks for me. That moment of utter abandon and self-destruction. Release. Falling. I called him back.

"Yeeees?"

"It's me."

"I know. Are you coming?"

"I don't know."

"Have you been smoking a lot of cigarettes, Hyde?"

"No."

"You're lying. I bet you've been chain-smoking like a chimney!"

"What? No! I only smoke every once in a while... rarely. Why?"

"I don't know. I want some cigarettes."

"You've been smoking," I said. "You told me you lost your voice from it last week."

"Oh, yeah... but that was just that night out with the boys."

"You need to be careful, Narc."

"Why?"

"Your blood clots!"

"I don't have blood clots!"

He seemed annoyed that I had brought the whole thing up. Apparently he has stopped all treatment and gone off the coumadin. He wanted to stick to the matter at hand.

"Hyde? What's the big deal?" he asked, returning to the issue of whether or not I would come fuck him.

"You disappeared, Narc! I mean, I know you were trying to work out your thing with PopStar, but I had feelings for you and you disappeared for four months! It hurt. It really hurt."

"Aw, c'mon! Life hurts, Hyde!"

I didn't respond. Clearly he wanted to either evade taking responsibility or he wanted to self-victimize, but I didn't care to hear either.

"And then the other day," I went on, "I was really torn up about whether or not to see you... I really was. And I finally broke down and said 'okay, I'll see him again,' and then you rejected me!"

"I didn't reject you, Hyde! This is nonsense! PopStar was on my couch that night. I didn't expect she would be there. It was the LAST night. She moved out the NEXT day. Also, not an easy thing..."

"Are you okay?" I asked, quietly, coming back to myself for a moment.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he said.

"It's just-- I have feelings for you and you clearly don't have feelings for me, and--"

"Of course I have feelings for you, Hyde!" he said, interrupting me.

"Oh, you do? So, what are they?"

"What?"

"What are your feelings for me?"

He paused, as if not sure of how to proceed.

"I love you, Hyde," he said. "I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to finish your incompletes and to get in shape and have the things you want. And I'm sick of this pretending."

"Pretending?"

"Pretending that I don't want you."

"When were you pretending that?"

"For the past few months!"

I wasn't sure what to say at this point... unsure of whether there was any truth to what he was telling me, or if was just a ploy to get me to come down to his place.

"You said you love me, Narc."

"I do love you. You know that."

"I have to call you back again," I said.

"What?"

"I just have to go. I just have to call you back."

"Is that because BRICK is there," he said, irritated. "I'm sure Brick can take care of your place for you. He's a big boy."

"I'll call you back," I said again, hanging up.

Once off the phone, I grabbed my pillow.

"He said he loves me, Brick."

"Oh, Deloris!" Brick sighed (his sometimes nickname for me.)

I went into the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether it was to shave my legs or throw up.

"Are you going?" Brick called after me.

"I have to," I said. "I have to go there."

"Did he tell you that? That you have to?"

I came back into the bedroom.

"I just want to kill myself," I said.

"Don't say that."

"I can't deal, though. I can't think. I just don't want to be dealing with choices."

"But you do have a choice," Brick pointed out. "You don't have to go. Saying that is like abdicating responsibility."

"You're right." I started to pace my bedroom. My heart was pounding. "I can't go. I just can't. How can I go there? But how can I not? I'm calling him back."

"What are you going to say?"

I didn't answer Brick. Instead, I dialed Narc again. It was about 1:45 AM.

"Are you coming?" he answered.

"I can't. I just can't, Narc. But I can come tomorrow. If you want to see me, and if you really do, let's make a plan for tomorrow."

"I can't think beyond 24 hours, Hyde," he sighed.

"So, you don't want to see me tomorrow?"

"I want to fuck you tonight and tomorrow night."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"You said you love me."

"I do love you, Hyde."

Now he was on the breaking point.

"Are you coming or not?"

"I don't know."

"Look, Hyde... it's late. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to be awake for another half hour. If you want to come down, come. If you don't want to, don't. But I can't do this anymore on the phone."

"Okay."

We hung up. Ten minutes later, I decided that I couldn't do it. I called him back.

"Yup?"

"I can't come, Narc."

"You're not coming?'

"No. I just can't come tonight. But we can make a plan for tomorrow..."

"Uh... yeah..."

"Do you want to meet up tomorrow?"

"Um.... why don't you just call me then."

"Okay. Good night."

Brick was desperately trying to fall asleep at this point. I took a Lunesta and crawled into bed next to him. My heart was still racing and I was wide awake. I set the alarm for 6:30 AM for Brick and shut the light. My phone was clutched in my hand. It buzzed again.

Wish you would come down anyway, he wrote. Spontaneous, like in the movies. Sweet dreams, hon.

I considered it. I didn't want to let him down and he knew it. I got up and went into the bathroom. I wandered into the kitchen and wrote him another text.

Problem is I do love you, I wrote back. The second problem is I just took a Lunesta. Wish I didn't have to disappoint you. Wish you were wrapped around me. Until tomorrow...

I got back in bed. But Narc hadn't given up yet. He sent me one more text:

Still time...

My reply?

Patience grasshopper! ;)

Another Fourth

On Tuesday night NDN and I watched Black Snake Moan. I liked it. But when I went back upstairs to go to sleep, I couldn't. I was obsessing and panicking and called Bezoukhoff in the middle of the night to calm me down.

On the morning of the Fourth, NDN and I met Hammer at Penn Station. I needed some red bulls to stabilize me. Hammer brought me a crystal game to help answer questions about my future. NDN read the paper on the railroad. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house.

The usual crowd was there from my family. I gave D&D (BigSis' niece and nephew) pop rocks. Hammer and I graded papers. NDN went in the pool despite the freezing weather and then fell asleep on the couch. My stepbrother did a new strange dance similar to "the robot." My cousin Jol made her usual delicious cupcakes. My mom initiated a conversation about how "young people" today are all hooked up to technology with our iPods, etc. everywhere we go.

On the train ride home, we bumped into someone who NDN works with. She squeezed into the seat next to me and I looked disgruntled about it. We had a talk about Nick Sanchez.

Last night I went to Hammer's place to grade papers while she cleaned her house. We listened to a lot of music. She removed art supplies from the corner where the Alaskan had stored them and had to find a place for his enormous paintings. We could hear the sound of fireworks crackling and booming outside. At 10:00 PM we went up to the roof to check it out. It was surreal. "An 'Impressionist' New York," as Hammer noted. The rooftop was slick from the recent rain and people were but silhouettes.

Back downstairs Hammer and I obsessed over old emails-- INSANE letters from the Wizard and multiple curt breakup messages from Narc.

It was late when I got home. I got very little sleep last night. Now I'm off to teach my class.

Happy Fourth of July!

love,
h

The Fast and the Fleeting

My AA meeting was awesome tonight... really inspiring. And I talked to a lot of "newcomers" and felt good. I felt at peace there. Why can't I carry that with me out of the rooms? Why can't I take that peace into the rest of my life? Why does the anxiety and fear and distrust and self-hatred and heartbreak flood back in as if the meeting had never happened?

But it did happen.

A lot of things have happened to me and sometimes it feels like they haven't... like my whole past is invented and fleeting and I am going to lose it and everything and myself if I don't hang on to every last scrap of memory...every last scrap of documentation.

Anyway, perhaps I'm rambling now. I'm going downstairs to watch Black Snake Moan with NDN. Tomorrow he and Hammer are coming out to Long Island with me for the Fourth of July.

I hate not being in control of the world.

That's it...

love,
h

The Anesthesiologist

I had to go have an endoscopy done this afternoon-- a procedure in which they knock you out and then stick a tube with a camera down your throat to take pictures of your esophagus and stomach.

When I got settled into the chair, the anesthesiologist wrapped a rubber band around my arm. It was super tight. I must have been wincing.

"I know it hurts," he said. "But just a little while longer."

The way he said it, I felt a slight masochistic pleasure from bearing the pain. He asked me to hold my arm up higher.

"Good girl," he said. I liked that.

He said that again a few times.

I tried to look at he was doing when he stuck the catheter in.

"I don't want you to look over here," he said.

So, I turned away.

Right before they knocked me out he told me that I was going to feel a little high and that I'd then fall asleep.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

"Only because I'm sober," I said.

"I want you to relax. You are going to be very well taken care of. Just let go... Good girl."

I was strangely turned on by the whole thing. I told Hammer about it after. I think this is all a good sign... first I noticed an attractive guy at the Punk show and then I was turned on by the bossy yet paternalistic anesthesiologist. When I'm obsessed with one man, I tend not to notice any others.

Hmmm... Maybe I meant what I said in my last text to Narc. I'm not sure yet...

love,
h

TT Gets a Date...

...and it's not with me! Let me explain...

The last time I wrote I was about to take off for the "Dead Betties" concert with my friends "A" and Pixie. We met in the East Village and grabbed a bite to eat in the diner. A is going through his first "sober" relationship and had quite a few words of wisdom for me. A post about relationships in sobriety may be forthcoming.

The show was down on the Lower East Side at a place called "The Cake Shop," not far from NDN's favorite-- Congee Village. We got there relatively early-- early enough that there was an open bar going. All three of us are alcoholics with relatively new sobriety so that was kind of rough... at least for me. I could see a certain Mr. "Jack Daniels" winking at me from across the bar. I also saw a really hot guy there... at least I thought so. When I pointed him out to Pixie, she said that he wasn't her type at all. But I thought he had a beautiful face that looked a little bruised or swollen in an Elvis/Brando way. I really enjoyed looking at him. It was nice.

The act before the Betties was pretty grating on my ears and my eardrums started to hurt. Punk is just not my scene. But it made for some good people watching. The band didn't come on until after midnight and by that point I was a little tired and my ears were feeling swollen. I stayed until around 1:30 AM and then headed back to my neighborhood.

When I was almost home, I decided to stop into Cheers. I was surprised to see TT there. He was there with a group of his friends, two of whom are semi-regulars at Cheers, and so I already knew them.

"It's Hyde, back from the dead!" BarMan announced as I came in. PumpedUp asked if I was drinking. One of the Colombians was back tending bar for the summer. I settled in at TT's table with a diet coke. A really gross guy was coming onto me.

"So what happened to all that wild sex we used to have in the back alley?" he asked.

I just looked at him. Alcohol does funny things to people.

TT looked startled at my arrival.

"I was going to call you," he stammered. "I was going to call, but I figured you wouldn't be around."

He was slurring his words a bit. He was clearly drunk.

"That's okay," I smiled.

"I wanted to do that Evanescence song with you," he said. "I even told my friends, right guys?" he said, gesturing towards them with his beer.

He was leaning across me and being a little physical. He got me a soda. Then, at some point, I didn't see where he went. When he finally reemerged, it turns out he had been outside with one of his "friends" while she was smoking.

Interesting... I thought.

Then, when they were back inside, she started rubbing his leg. It was clear they were together... or if not "together" together then at least on a date. No wonder TT was acting strange and flustered. I decided not to stick around too long. If he was on a date, I certainly didn't want to get in the way of it.

When I left, he and the girl were outside smoking again.

"It was really nice meeting you!" she said in a chipper tone.

"Yeah, you too."

TT looked uncomfortable. I smiled at them both and spun on my heels towards home.

When I got back to my place, I couldn't sleep, so I watched American Psycho which I had saved on the DVR. It freaked me out and made me think about FightingMensch and his world. There was no way I could fall asleep after the movie. Every time I shut the light, I thought I saw a naked Christian Bale lurking in the shadows with a chain saw. It was seriously scaring me. I had to fall asleep with the lights on and sleep didn't come until around 5:00 AM.

This morning I woke up at 9:30, as B was due to meet me for brunch after he got through with church. We went for Filipino food and I had my favorite Pinoy breakfast-- tapsilog. I played him the tape from my most recent voice lesson. Afterwards we sat in Starbucks and talked about the difficulties of living a "spiritual life"-- again, something for a later post.

For most of the rest of today I tried, unsuccessfully, to nap. I'm thinking of Narc... of course I am, but I'm not sure quite what my thoughts are. I'm feeling something, but nothing, and I can't articulate any of it. Slope called me in the afternoon. She doesn't want to come back to our "home group" because of some gossip spreading around about her. I don't blame her. She switched sponsors. She's not ready to give up her self-destructive behavior when it comes to men. I totally identified. Then I got dressed for the meeting.

I had been asked to lead tonight's meeting and it all went really well. I felt good about it. When I got home, I talked to Hammer who was feeling saaad that the Alaskan had left town.

"Guess what?" she said to me.

"What?"

"Guess who I saw on Bleeker and Sixth?"

"Don't tell me... who?"

"Double-T! And he was with some girl."

Fucking unbelievable, right??? What is it with Bleeker and Sixth? First Brick and Narc... now Double-T. A lot of strange things have been happening these days.

I want to hold myself to a higher standard. So... why am I still entertaining thoughts of Narc?

love,
h