Pretty Things with Hammer

I still don't like leaving anything Narc-related up as my last post... Guess it's still too hard for me to confront. So, I'm going to post some pictures! A few pics from the day Hammer and I went to see the cherry blossoms, and one picture of a watercolor I made at Hammer's house. Enjoy!

The Man of my Dreams

Dream-O-Meter...

I had a really strange dream just before I woke up this morning. I don't have time to write it all out now, but I have to say something before I forget it all...

I dreamed that Narc finally called me. He wanted to meet me for lunch. I was thrilled and overwhelmed.

"I've missed you so much," he said. "I was wrong not to call you. And I want to see you."

I agreed to meet him, but for some reason we had to go for lunch with BigSis as well and some other people (I can't remember who else was there.)

The restaurant we chose was on top of an enormous hill. Narc met us on the bottom. He gave me the longest hug when I saw him. I buried my head between his neck and shoulder.

"I don't ever want to leave this kweba," I said.

(That's really strange, I have to note, because that's something I used to say to B. "Kweba" means "cave" in Tagalog.)

"I don't want you to either he said," laughing at me and kissing my hair.

We started to walk up the hill. My sister and the others were ahead of us and Narc lagged behind to talk to me. (Something he would NEVER have done in real life!)

"I have to say, I'm confused," he began.

"About what?"

"About marriage. I want to marry PopStarChick, but she doesn't want to marry. She looked at me square in the eye and told me that she's in no rush."

In my dream, I was crestfallen. He didn't want to be with me. But I swallowed it down and tried to give him the friendliest advice possible.

"It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, Narc. Maybe she just needs more time to figure out who she is and what she wants. She's very young. I didn't know what I wanted at that age."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed. "I wanted to buy her a ring, but I guess I have to return it."

(Again, this is strange because I was having a conversation with B yesterday about wedding jitters, etc. and I was trying my best to be very encouraging about his relationship with Drippy.)

A woman from my AA group was walking up the hill behind us.

"Hi, Hyde!" she said. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Oh... um, yeah-- this is Narc," I said.

It turns out we were going to the same restaurant. The walk up the hill was talking forever and I was exhausted. I didn't want the woman from AA to eavesdrop on any more of my conversation with Narc.

"Really, the reason why I wanted to see you," he began again, "is that I'm moving."

"What???"

"Yeah. I'm moving to San Jose. I don't think PopStar wants to come with me, but I just need to get out of New York."

I felt panicked in the dream... panicked to lose him, but again, I tried my best not to let on.

"Of course you can come out and visit," he said. "I knew you'd be sad, so I wanted to tell you in person."

(Again, this Narc is CLEARLY not based on any reality).

When we finally got to the restaurant, I was frustrated to have to share that emotional moment with BigSis and the others who were sitting at the table. I wanted to cry and throw my arms around Narc, but I didn't want to make a display in front of the others. Narc was sitting next to me and sensed that something was wrong.

"Come here," he said, pulling my head down onto his chest.

His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and I could feel some of his chest hairs against my cheek. He was rubbing my head to soothe me. Then he started to tuck my hair behind my ear.

"She likes that," he said to my sister.

"Shh..." he tried to soothe me. "You can just stay here on dib dib."

(Again, this is like B-- he used to tuck my hair behind my ear affectionately all the time, and "dib dib" is a word for "chest.")

"San Jose? Really?" I whispered. "Won't you miss New York?"

I started to think about following him to San Jose. Would it be viable?

And then I woke up.

I'm a little freaked out by the blending of B and Narc in that dream. Which of them was it supposed to be?

I still miss Narc so much...

So much.

love,
h

The Rich Mundane

It's been quite a week. As you all know, on Tuesday I celebrated my anniversary with my home group. On Wednesday, the actual day, I went back to the place where I did outpatient and went to the AA meeting there. The meeting chair asked me to come back and speak. Later in the afternoon I went to see Spiderman 3 with B.

On Thursday, after teaching, I went up to see a diabetes specialist at Columbia Presbyterian with my mom. I have a lot to think about in that department, but I don't really want to process all of it here on the blog.

That night, I got my one-year coin at my home-group's meeting. It felt really good. Afterwards, I came back and made shrimp and linguine in white clam sauce (inspired by the many varieties of clam sauce I've had a la NDN) and I dined with Bezoukhoff and StarGazer. It was so much fun. We laughed about some of my "dramatic" writing from earlier years and we all watch a few episodes of Season 1 of Rome. I forgot that there's a naked Mark Antony shower scene. I was happy...

On Friday I met Hammer for some delicious pinkberry and then headed over to therapy. My therapist told me that I should re-read Dostoevsky. I asked him why. He said because I want to "aestheticize my life." I liked the suggestion, whether or not it will prove fruitful. Afterwards I met Hammer at Borders and picked up a copy of The Brothers Karamazov which I have since started to read. I forgot how much I like to read novels.

Afterwards Hammer and I walked back to my place in the disgustingly humid weather. We bumped into PumpedUp on the street.

That night, I met NDN to go to synagogue. We went to a place that neither of us has been before. We sat with a girl who lives on the 10th floor of our building. Afterwards, NDN took me out to dinner at The Palm! We ate lamb chops and ENORMOUS crab legs and creamed spinach and potatoes and had clams casino for an appetizer. We both agreed that we loved the maitre-d' and we were brainstorming ways on how to become friends with him.

After that, we bummed around my apartment for a while, but I was exhausted and needed to get to sleep.

On Saturday I woke up bright and early to head out to Long Island for a "bridal makeup" workshop that my mom signed us up for. It was bizarre on many levels. For one thing, the woman teaching us what colors to use and how to best compliment our skin tone, etc. had the most awful bleached blond white hair on a very orange complexion with darkly lined lips. I didn't have too much confidence in her, but I did learn a few things about how to keep makeup holding up for hours. Given that I'm a makeup artist extraordinaire (at least I like to think so), it's a good thing to know...

After that, BigSis went home, but I went back to my mom's to do LilSis' makeup for her friend's wedding that night. (BigSis' car had been vandalized and she had to pick it up from the shop.) JBC, my mom and I ate eggplant rollatini for lunch. Then my mom drove me back to the train and I happily read Karamozov on my way home.

There's more to say... for example, why I'm annoyed at my sponsor and all about Mother's day, but I have to go. I poured out a bottle of carrot oil into my hair and it's starting to drip down my neck. I have to go jump into the shower before it makes a mess.

Oh-- and in terms of Narc's birthday? I did call and leave a message. But it was a fairly neutral message. Now that's it for me. Now I'm saying goodbye. I'm not going to contact him again... (At least not unless he contacts me first and I don't see that happening any time soon).

I hate transition, but I guess it's just a fact of life, n'est pas?

Love,

H

I Did It!

One year down, the rest of my life to go... Okay... I'll stick to one day at a time.

But, I did it!!! I can't believe I did it! 365 days without a drink... Fucking unbelievable.

I just got back from celebrating with my home group. BigSis came and so did Hammer. Hammer just helped me arrange the armfuls of flowers I came home with. A little different from our antics a year ago...

Life is confusing. But, I did it... And nothing can take that away from me.

love,
h

A Day in the Life

I love life on life's terms. I really do.

Today is the seventeenth anniversary of when my dad died. I lost my office keys and was locked out this morning. I couldn't check my email. I taught a class about the "discovery" of the New World and felt white bourgeois guilt at not being able to cover the history of the native civilizations. Then when I got home, my computer crashed.

Luckily, Dan's friends are in the business of saving lives when computers crash, so I called them and they're coming to salvage my hard-drive on Wednesday.

In the afternoon I met Hammer in SoHo. She came with me to the Apple Store. My stomach shot through with pain being there, as it all reminded me too much of Narc, but I bought a computer and it is beautiful. I love it.

Afterwards, Hammer and I ate lunch at a bar/cafe where I once met TT for a date and where Hammer's friend sat and wrote her wedding vows. Hammer helped me carry the computer to a cab, but a bunch of obnoxious girls stole the first cab. Hammer wanted to give them the finger, but sort of chickened out at the last minute.

When I got home, I figured out how to video conference with Hammer and we three-way chatted with the Alaskan and then I had a brief video conference with the Alaskan. I got to show him my enormous Mark Antony poster.

Then I went to my meeting-- a meditation meeting. Everyone was approaching me with hugs and smiles for my upcoming anniversary. When I saw Pilman, I asked him about Brick.

"Have you seen him around?" I asked. "Is he still sober."

"He is," he said.

I can't help but think about Brick these days. Something about that relationship got to me in a really primal way.

So, after meeting with my sponsor briefly, as I walked home, I decided to call him. I remembered that his 90 days were approaching and I left him a message telling him that I am proud of him and can't think of my one year anniversary without thinking of him. Then I went to pick up Chinese food.

Waiting for my order, my phone rang. It was Brick. I hadn't spoken to him in months. It was great to hear his voice. I think I understand now... I understand that he can't be what I wanted him to be and I can't expect it of him. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him. I told him to come to my anniversary watch. He said that he had texted me back when I wrote to him a week or two ago. I never got the text. Ah, the snags in modern communication!

And that's that. I'm going to eat my Chinese food now. And then I'm going to sleep. Perhaps I'll rest a little easier tonight knowing that my father can finally rest in peace. What killed him and what killed his father and what killed probably countless others of my ancestors is not going to kill me. I stopped it. Today was sad and today was glad and today was frustrating and today was happily surprising. It was just life.

A long, long time ago (back in December, '05) I wrote a post about an adventure that NDN and I were seeking one weekend. It prompted a discussion about "adventure" and NDN asked Mr. Mystic what he considered an adventure to be. Mr Mystic replied:

NDN, the simplest way for me to describe my Idea of an Adventure, would be in the dictionary form, “an unusual, exiting, and daring experience. Have I had any? I am in one right now it’s called Life.

I think I finally understand what he means...

love,
h

Cherry Blossom Blue

Today was a full and beautiful day. I slept in (for once!) and then met BigSis for lunch in Madison Square Park. I love that our relationship is changing every day and that we're still getting closer. She said to me the other day that she and I share a closeness that she doesn't have with anyone else in the world. It's because we pretty much grew up as twins.

After that, I went to therapy. It was a rewarding session. He helped me see that a lot of what I've been obsessing about this week has been about distracting myself from the guilt I've been feeling about my upcoming anniversary. "Survivor's Guilt" is what he called it. And it doesn't help that my anniversary is only two days after the anniversary of my dad's death. It's quite a week...

From there I headed downtown to meet Hammer for our third attempt at the cherry blossoms in Brooklyn. Our first try was on Sunday, but we were turned off by the crowds. Our second attempt was on Wednesday, but we were deterred by the gray skies and chilly weather. Today was perfect-- a cherry blossom blue sky and none of the weekend crowds!

The blossoms were absolutely beautiful. We stretched out on the lawn and painted with Hammer's water colors. A chubby blond three year old approached and wanted to play with our paints. He wanted to paint a "blue warthog." Needless to say, the warthog never fully materialized. I named my painting "sakura" in honor of both the blossoms and the creepy Japanese song by the same name that I used to play on the piano. Oh-- and I did manage to get a little work in on my Fourth Step.

Anyway, after that, we were "spit out" of the gardens into some random Brooklyn neighborhood (as Hammer put it). But we managed to find the subway and took it to Atlantic Avenue from where we walked to Juniors for dinner and cheesecake. On the way back to the city Hammer drew me a really funny picture of something inappropriate for the blog (something that we agreed never to mention again!). And from there it was back to her place to bum around and watch Ugly Betty and The Daily Show. I did a little more work on my Fourth Step and Hammer regaled me with stories from previous blog entries.

After that, I headed uptown to celebrate the one year anniversary of my friend BA. When I got to the diner, I felt like I had entered into some sort of dream world. There were so many people there and so much energy. It was hard to switch into that kind of social mode, coming straight out of "self-reflection" and "tv-mode" with Hammer. I sat with LashGirl and made her laugh by singing "Someday My Prince Will Come" with a 1930's warble in my voice. I also hung out with Pixie, Meema and a few others. BA spoke about his experiences this year just before midnight. It was really moving. Everyone smiled at me and said "You're next!" I didn't quite know what to do with the attention. I've been feeling down on myself lately and not really wanting people to look at me.

In any case, I headed home at around 12:15 AM. As I was about to get into the cab, some guy on his bike nearly slammed into the cab door. Then, the cab driver asked me if I thought his cab smelled like urine. I said "no." He said I was a nice girl and asked where my family was from. We ended up getting in a long discussion about how my parents met.

TT had left me a message earlier in the evening that he would be at Cheers. I should have headed straight home (as I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety and I have been having a lot of feelings I don't know how to deal with) but I stopped into Cheers anyway. He was really happy to see me. I really don't understand why he likes me. Maybe I should stop trying to understand. It's flattering, though, that he still does... BarMan was there and told me that he quit drinking for 16 days as a "cleanse" and that he lost 15 lbs. That's a little crazy. ThursdayGirl was there too. PumpedUp was the most happy to see me.

"You're just the girl I've been looking for!" he exclaimed.

"What... why?" I asked.

He asked me if I would be willing to host a little BBQ party for the Cheers staff on my roof. I told him "of course." They needed a nice place outdoors and nearby. PumpedUp has certainly done enough for me over the years that it's my pleasure to do something nice for him.

In any case, at around 1:00, I told TT that I had to head home. I have a women's meeting I want to go to in the morning, and I already feel the insomnia creeping up, certainly not helped by the fact that I've had about 10 diet cokes since 11:00 PM.

But overall, it was a beautiful day. ThursdayGirl smiled when I told her my year was approaching.

"Are you happy?" she asked.

I wanted to say no. I assumed the answer was no. But that's not true. I was happy-ish today... happy in some ways. And being happy in some ways is the same as being sad in some ways. Neither one should be the only way I define myself.

"I am happy," I told her.

"Last time you saw Narc?"

"February 26th."

"And your last drink?"

"May 9th of last year!"

"I'm so proud of you," she smiled.

I'm loathe to say it. I'm really loathe to say it... but I'm proud of me too. I never thought I could do it. But perhaps, this is just the beginning.

love,
h

Maxima Enim, Patientia Virtus

There is a fierce lightning storm outside right now. I love it when the weather gets intense.

I just read an email from my friend NiS. He's living in Paris right now. He said he's been reading through my "Ghosts of Hyde" blog. I'm glad that he wrote to me. I'm thinking about what he said. And I have a lot of feelings right now... they're all sort of hovering above me and I can't quite make any of them out.

I'm just glad for the lightning.

The blinds are pulled down in my living room, but I can still peek through the bottom of one window and watch the blurred tail-lights of the traffic dripping down second avenue. The cars are darting about, like little neon fish in a tank.

I made a decision to do something today that I think is going to change things. But I can't do it just yet... so I'm not going to talk about it. I need to be patient.

"In God's time, not your time," as my sponsor would say.

"Patience is a virtue."

I'm just grateful for the terrifying thunder.

I have a new fantasy, as I told Hammer the other day-- I want to marry a tattooed timpani player.

love,
h