Once again...

I'm tired of this blog at this address. It happens...

I'm starting over again. You can find me here.

cheers!
h

Ich Hab' Die Ganze Nacht Geweint...

I must be self-obsessed because I've been watching Season 1 of "Sex and the City" and every episode that I see pertains immediately to me.

There's nothing I can do except admire my new haircut while listening to Marlene Dietrich tracks and chain-smoke cigarettes. Even though Marlboro Reds are strong enough to burn my tongue sometimes, the smoke they produce is deliciously thick.

Still not feeling it with Narc. No attraction. Am I done? Maybe. Is he done? Maybe. I slept there last night, but neither one of us really wanted to have sex. I lay there, unable to fall asleep, wondering what the whole point of it is if we're not having sex. I mean... that's what we were, to me... That's the aspect of my personality that needed him. Without it, I still love him in a way, but I don't need him. And if I don't need him, there's no reason for me to prioritize him when I have so much fucking work to do. I contemplated leaving. I contemplated saying something. But, for what? I don't know when I fell asleep.

Anyway, tomorrow is BigSis' baby shower. I spent waaaay too much money on her presents-- money I don't really have. I was just excited to buy things for my niece.

Have to run now. Heading to AA on the Upper West...

=h=

...docendo discimus...

I've been working my ass off this week. Somehow I feel as if I've just awakened from a long sleep and have realized how much work there is to do! This Intellectual History course is still monopolizing my life. I need to find time to get those last incompletes done and start prepping for my orals.

I talked to Hammer on the phone yesterday. It seems that she's having a fun and productive research summer in Paris. I miss her over here though...

On Friday, Narc and I ate at Sabarsky. On Saturday I went to NJ for my friend's baby shower and got into a fight with my sisters and my mom. It led to a mini-breakdown and a lot of tears on Saturday night, but it was ultimately cathartic-- a good, healthy cry that I apparently needed. I stayed over Narc's that night and we went to the movies the next day. We grocery shopped at Whole Foods. I'm still feeling "out of love" with him. It's freaky. My fingers are crossed that it sticks. How liberating that would be...!

And since then, I've just been working... I bought some new clothes on Monday. I had dinner with Anxious last night. B found out that he's having a girl. BigSis' baby shower is this coming Saturday.

I think I like my new haircut after all. I feel like a different person-- a scholar, a woman, worldly somehow... Or just a New York City grad student. I kind of like it.

Hmmm...

"You love until you don't"

Well, life is just rolling along. (As is my CD transfer... I'm now about to do Wagner's entire Ring cycle...)

Yesterday in class, a really annoying student kept trying to argue with me that Nietzsche was an anti-Semite.

Tonight Narc and I are going to hear Britta Phillips in concert at the Zipper Factory. I'm excited because she did the voice of "Jem" in Jem & the Holograms. I'm not familiar with her stuff otherwise. Narc got us the tickets a few weeks ago.

Things with Narc are weird. He hasn't had a drink in a few weeks and I feel like things have gotten routine between us because of it. It's not exactly passion-less, but it kind of is. How the hell did that happen? I keep thinking of that Regina Spektor song-- "You love until you don't." Maybe it's as simple as that. He's having a lot of post-acute withdrawal symptoms and actually acknowledged that he's feeling it.

Yesterday we went to go see the Batman movie in IMAX in the morning. Afterwards, after his doctor appointment, we ate lunch in the West Village. For some reason, I found myself being passive aggressive and bringing up things that happened three years ago. When I realized what I was doing, I apologized for it.

"I don't mean to be dragging up unpleasant things from the past," I said. "I guess I just have really unresolved feelings about it."

"I don't even remember any of that," he said nonchalantly. "It must have effected you a lot more than it effected me. So sensitive, Hyde!"

He said it in a way that was meant to diminish what I felt.

"Sensitive? I don't think so," I said. "I practically had to numb myself out to put up with all of it. In fact, I had very little emotional reaction given the massive amount of emotional pain that I was in."

The subject of the Exhibitionist came up.

"Being mad at her is like being mad about a discarded napkin," he said. "She's nothing..."

"I'm not mad at her," I said. "I'm mad at you, I guess. I think I'm just really mad at you. I was in a lot of pain. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it."

He didn't answer, but looked uncomfortable.

"There's no point in doing this right now, though," I said. "I'm just sorry if I was being passive aggressive."

I don't know why I am starting to feel things only now. I don't know why I don't feel passion for him right now. I don't know what to make of any of it, except that "you love until you don't."

Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we're supposed to get lunch at the Cafe Sabarsky. Hammer and I had always said we would eat there together, but I doubt that's ever going to happen at this point. I haven't talked to her in months.

This weekend I have another baby shower to attend and then I'm off to Stonybrook for GoldenFinch's 30th birthday.

As for this afternoon, I have to go make some photocopies and then teach a class on late-19th century sociology before the concert.

So... I'm off to keep rolling...

-h-

Monumental

I've started the somewhat monumental task of transferring my CD collection onto iTunes. Obviously, I had already done this in part, as every time I cared to hear a particular CD I would load it into the computer. But I never before undertook the entire project.

I must have at least 400 CD's. They take up a lot of shelf space. I want them out of my apartment. I'm trying to unclutter the place and get some better energy flowing.

So far, I've been working on the transfer for about a week-- every time I sit down to write a lesson plan, I try to copy a few CD's. I just finished my lesson on Social Darwinism and 19th century racism. I am listening to some Johnny Cash right now. I own nine Johnny Cash albums and haven't heard any of them in a long time. Some of the songs are so simple... so beautiful. Others make me laugh and think of AIR7 and of spring break in New Orleans a long time ago...

Yes... that was a long time ago.

love,
h

The Beach Bum

I'm still here... apparently just a lot less inspired to blog. I've been busy... I spent most of the week that I last posted with Narc. We went grocery shopping at the new "Whole Foods" that opened in Tribeca and experimented with his George Foreman grill. I ended up seeing the Exhibitionist again later that weekend again. She "dropped by" his place while I was there, going on and on about how she had just broken up with her 50-something, rich, producer boyfriend.

"I blew it!" she said. "The huge loft apartment, the shopping, the trips..."

Then she and Narc went on a bit about how in your 20's, women have all the power but once you're in your 30's and beyond, men have all the power. And what are relationships? An exchange of sex for cash. I hate when Narc gets into that line of thinking, and I usually argue with him. But with the Exhibitionist, I see where he gets it. She IS like that. I just kept my mouth shut for the most part and tried not to puke.

That weekend I went to Long Island on Saturday for my cousin's 1-year-old birthday party and then came back to the city to attend a pre-Bastille Day party hosted by my friend NV. NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika were there. NDN was trying very hard to make some new friends.

(The "e" is sticking on my laptop as I'm trying to write this and it's realllly annoying!)

Anyway, I continued to spend nearly all my free time with Narc until Tuesday when his ex-girlfriend arrived from New Orleans. I have been feeling very lonely and existentially out of sorts lately. Of all people, I called Narc to talk about it on Sunday night.

"I think I just want a boyfriend," I told him.

I don't know why I went to him. Maybe I feel like there's no one else there sometimes.

On Wednesday I chopped off my hair. It was really damaged and I've been avoiding this moment for as long as possible, but in the end, if I want my healthy thick long hair back, I have to retire my flat-iron and start over. I still can't quite get used to it, but whatever...

For most of the week, I slaved away writing lectures for my class. On Thursday I was on my way to the school where I used to teach to clean out my office, when I got a phone call. It was a guy from AA who has a crush on me. I picked up on that a few months ago, but we've only had a few conversations. Once he sent me a really cute text that I looked "pretty" at a meeting. It turns out he's taking a class at the same college where I'm teaching this summer. We're both there at the same time on most weeknights. He asked if I wanted to get coffee or dinner after class.

"Sure!" I said.

But when we hung up, I thought about how nervous he had sounded on the phone and realized that it was probably a date.

It was... But I tried to keep it casual by suggesting a diner and immediately grabbing the tab to pay half. We didn't have that much to talk about until we got on the subject of our old-ways. He told me about all of the psychedelic drugs he did. Anyway, afterwards, we awkwardly parted ways on the street corner. I know you're probably thinking that I should give this guy a chance, but I'm not attracted to him... at least not right now.

Narc had sent me a text that his ex was going to stay with some other friends that night. He asked if I wanted to come down (and bring him Mint Milano cookies!). I went over there.

While I was on the phone with my mom trying to arrange a train-pickup for the next day, someone beeped into my phone on call waiting. It was the guy with whom I had been on the date/non-date.

"What's up?"

"Um... I just wanted to call to tell you something," he said.

"What?"

"Well... um... I was thinking and... Well... I really should have paid the whole bill. I mean, I regret that I didn't do that; I mean, I don't know why I didn't do that..."

I felt really bad at that point, for whatever part I was playing in all this.

"Don't worry about it!" I said, continuing the confusion for him. "It's not a big deal. I had fun. I'll talk to you later."

Basically, I got through that conversation ASAP.

As for this weekend-- I went to the beach every day.

On Friday I went out to Long Island with my mom and LilSis. We went to ToBay and ate crab cakes and I started reading Anna Karenina. I absolutely love it. Liu promised I would. Why, on Earth, haven't I read it before now???

On the train back to the city, I was completely overwhelmed by the crowds headed to the Billy Joel concert. I have been so sick of the crowds in this city lately... too many people! I feel like my old irritable self, when I used to go around quoting "No Exit" and stepping on people's toes. I think it may be because I've hardly been going to meetings since this new class started. I mean, don't get me wrong-- I absolutely love New York. But even the best of friends can sometimes be on bad terms.

I went right to AA from the train, still full of beach grime, only stopping for some Pinkberry and to pick up some corn on the cob for my friend Drew's barbecue after the meeting. The guy with whom I had the date was there, and I said hello to him, but after that we barely said two words.

Drew is house-sitting for her boss' friend-- an absolutely awesome triplex on the Upper West Side. There was a little backyard, bohemian floor tiles, two enormous cats and a Scottish Terrier-- supposedly the brother of George Bush's dog. StarGazer came with her boyfriend, and it was nice to finally get to meet him. Pixie was there too, and a number of new girls, many of whom are counting days.

I left there sometime after midnight. TT had texted me that he was at Cheers, so I decided to poke my head in. On my way out of the cab, I encountered a drunk guy and two girls waiting to get in. It was none other than KHill. Weird. I said hi to him and he nearly didn't recognize me. ThursdayGirl was there and was raving about how good I look. (New haircut and all!) I have to say-- it feels good to go back to a place where I was rock bottom and so fucking crazy and to have them acknowledge the change. Somehow it makes the enormity of it all so much more real to me.

I stayed out that night until after 3:00 AM and on Saturday got up to head out to Brighton Beach to meet Anxious, who is back in town for the summer. (In case you forgot, about six months ago, she moved to LA to do a PhD program in Spanish language and lit). NDN and Tamika stopped by in the morning and brought me a coffee.

The train took a while to get all the way out to Brighton Beach and the crowds were thick. I hated all the people around me again. Plus it was so fucking hot out!! But once I got there and felt the breeze off the water, and heard the rhythm of the sea, it was all OK.

Anxious and BulgarianGuy and I ate lunch on the boardwalk before he took off and we moved down onto the sand. I tried to take a dip in the water, but I saw some jellyfish and got scared. Mostly, we just sat on the beach and talked and talked. We've been friends for over ten years. I sometimes forget how good it feels just to talk to someone who knows you without having to explain anything.

On Saturday night, I went straight from the beach to Benihana in Midtown for my friend AGrub's birthday dinner. AGrub is really BigSis' friend, so she and Bro-in-Law were there. (So was her friend, English, who I haven't seen in a while). BigSis is really starting to get big with her pregnancy. I'm so excited for my niece!!

On our way out of the restaurant a somewhat drunk and slightly belligerent Tracy Morgan bumped into us on his way in. That was kind of strange...

In any case, I went home to shower and change after that. And at around 12:45 AM, I went back out to meet NDN and Tamika who were at a party for her friend at a nearby bar. The crowds outside the bar were really annoying though. The line to get in was long and the people were drunk. I didn't want to be there, so I just left.

I was feeling restless though, and really irritable. I had gotten dressed to go out and so I wanted to go out and do something, but I didn't want to deal with the crowds at that bar. I started to walk home and passed by "Overlook." So... I decided to go in. In retrospect, it really wasn't a "sober" decision-- especially since I was feeling so moody and disconnected. But that's the very reason why I felt driven away from going home and being cozy. In any case, I didn't want to sit at the bar surrounded by alcohol and people. I don't know what I wanted-- I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't stand people either.

So... I got a diet coke and took it to a booth in the back of the bar near the pool table. Then I just sipped it and mulled... sipped it and mulled... I was brooding, I guess you could say.

It wasn't long before a really cute, smiling guy found me and asked why I was sitting alone. I started to chat with him. He's from Holland and works for some big bank. His company sent him here for a few months. His companions at the pool table were both Belgian. We probably talked for about 45 minutes before he asked for my number. I didn't feel like myself. I kind of wanted to punch someone in the face. But, I tried to act sane and smiled and gave him my number. I probably won't pick up if he calls.

At around 2:30 AM I excused myself and went home.

This morning I woke up and watched a few episodes of "The Sopranos" (I'm in Season 5) before heading back out into the heat wave and back onto the subway to meet Pixie and a new AA, "Laurie" at Coney Island. More beach time!! I read my book the whole way there on the train and was happy in a simple sort of way. Overall, I had a great day. I'm so glad I went. The sand felt good between my toes, and in the same way it was great to talk to Anxious--an old friend-- it was great to have moments of discovery with these newer friends. After a few hours of surf and sand, we grabbed a slice of pizza and got onto the subway.

I got out at Union Square, said goodbye to the girls and bought Narc a piece of lapis lazuli at one of the flea market stands there. Then I came home, ate my leftover Benihana for dinner and answered some emails. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight and wake up early tomorrow to get some work done.

So... I'm kind of caught up on my blogging now, right?

Hope you're all well out there!!

lots of love,
h

Working (it) Out

Oh, man! I'm exhausted!! I just started teaching a new class yesterday and it is working me to the bone. I posted my syllabus, as that's pretty much all I've been thinking about this week.

Last week was a tough one. I went through a lot of different emotions, went to a few Al-Anon meetings, was weepy and depressed, skipped out on my camping trip, and fostered resentments at everyone. All the while, I spent every free minute with Narc. He bought "Rock Band" and we made a band called "Ultramarine."

I think that this week, doing work and thinking about ideas are good for me. It makes me "me." I've also been doing a lot of yoga. (Well, not exactly a lot, but at least a lot more...)

Last night Narc and I watched the "Glitter and Gold" episode of Jem and the Holograms. I was entirely shocked to realize that I had whole chunks of dialogue memorized. How could I have retained it from only watching it one time, twenty years ago??

Who knows...

Oh-- I have a little story. The other day as I was arriving at Narc's I saw the Exhibitionist on my way out.

"Exhibitionist!" I called out to her.

She looked really confused.

"I'm Hyde... Narc's friend? How are you?"

"Oh! Oh my god! You lost so much weight!" she said. "You look great."

"Er, um... thanks."

"Not that you looked bad before, but..."

"Yeah, I guess I've been trying to get healthy."

She just kept looking at me as though she were shocked and still off guard. After that we exchanged a few words about Narc, about his health, about the last time he was in the hospital compared to this time, about his new acquisition of Rock Band. It was kind of an awkward conversation. It was also very clear that I had spent a lot of time with him. She hadn't seen him in months.

"Wow, you look great," she repeated several more times, seemingly startled, before taking her leave of me.

When I got upstairs, I told Narc that I had bumped into her. I think he had hoped we would miss each other. I told him about our conversation. A few minutes later, Narc got a text.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said.

"What did she say?"

"Probably just wants to tell me she bumped into you."

When he opened the text, he wouldn't let me read it.

"What did she say???"

"It's nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"No, really! Tell me!"

It took a little more convincing, but he ultimately showed me the text.

Just bumped into Hyde, she wrote. She looks great. Lost a lot of weight. You should marry that one. She loves you!

Narc was embarrassed, I think, but I just laughed. I don't want to marry him. And I hate her shallow world and her shallow values, that somehow NOW I'm marriage material for him, whereas I wasn't when I weighed more. At the same time, I couldn't help but find myself secretly pleased and feeling somehow vindicated by her comment. And I didn't like that in myself. I don't know what that feeling was all about.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more right now. I only wanted to stop by because I miss blogging (sort of) and I wish I had more of an impulse to write right now. I guess I'm just going through something else at the moment-- something that doesn't want to be sorted out on paper. (Or, more precisely... on the computer).

love,
h